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Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect
Internationally renowned infant specialist Magda Gerber, M.A., the founder of RIE, offers a healthy new approach to infant care based on a profound respect for each baby's individual needs and abilities.
240 pages, Paperback
First published June 30, 1998
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
July 11, 2012
Now that I have read several parenting books, I have come to one huge realization: No book should be taken in total. None of these authors know my little boy, my wife, or me. While they may give us a lot to consider, they cannot understand our individual temperments and our personal and family values. As a result, read away, but tread lightly. Act as gleaner. And trust your own gut and know this: You are the expert at parenting your own child.
That said, Magda Gerber has a warm tone which feels like a nice blend of attachment parenting and a lot of common sense. And her overall claim is one worth considering. Her proposal is simply that we treat even infants with respect. She endorses that we communicate with our infant children often, even though they may not understand our words. We should say, "I'm going to pick you up now!" instead of just swooping and scooping. When changing their diaper, we should talk through each step in the process--not solely to encourage language acquisition but out of respect for them as developing individuals.
There is a lot more to consider here, but again beware of taking everything as gospel. At times the book felt like an advertisement for her REI classes (which I'm not sure where they are offered, but I would consider attending to see what other wisdom she has in store). But again, as a new parent, while I'm grateful for the advice and insight, I must also trust my own intuition, observations and insights.
That said, Magda Gerber has a warm tone which feels like a nice blend of attachment parenting and a lot of common sense. And her overall claim is one worth considering. Her proposal is simply that we treat even infants with respect. She endorses that we communicate with our infant children often, even though they may not understand our words. We should say, "I'm going to pick you up now!" instead of just swooping and scooping. When changing their diaper, we should talk through each step in the process--not solely to encourage language acquisition but out of respect for them as developing individuals.
There is a lot more to consider here, but again beware of taking everything as gospel. At times the book felt like an advertisement for her REI classes (which I'm not sure where they are offered, but I would consider attending to see what other wisdom she has in store). But again, as a new parent, while I'm grateful for the advice and insight, I must also trust my own intuition, observations and insights.
August 30, 2018
I see why this book is the one that often gets recommended as an introduction to RIE for parents. Compared to Your Self-Confident Baby, it's quicker to get through because each chapter is quite short. They both have the grandma tone. This one feels warmer to me, but that could also just be a function of me being more used to this philosophy now. Your Self-Confident Baby does have a more information on Dr. Pikler's work with orphaned children, though, which is quite persuasive for the benefits of these methods. My recommendations right now would probably be:
* Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect if you're already mostly bought in
* Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start for someone who responds more to logic and evidence
* Baby Knows Best: Raising a Confident and Resourceful Child, the RIE Way for non-parent caregivers
* Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame if you like Janet Lansbury's writing style from her blog posts and want them collected into a book
* Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect if you're already mostly bought in
* Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start for someone who responds more to logic and evidence
* Baby Knows Best: Raising a Confident and Resourceful Child, the RIE Way for non-parent caregivers
* Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame if you like Janet Lansbury's writing style from her blog posts and want them collected into a book
Read
July 13, 2011What a helpful and warm reference book to return to time and time again of how to love and respect our children.
Two things I particularly appreciate about this book is the advice of talking to your newborn babies as if they understand and letting them know what you're about to do e.g. I'm about to change your nappies. Gerber compares this to if you (as an adult) were reliant on a carer and they just lifted up your legs by your feet and started taking off your pants without explaining what they were doing - how would you respond? Another tip I return to is being specific about the language we use with our children. So instead of saying 'Good Girl' (what does this mean?) we can note specifically what is happening: "I can see you're trying really hard to stand up, and look now you've done it." It's perhaps interesting to reflect on how much we assess and reward our own and our children's physical achievements. Is it necessary? Could it be enough to just be observing, to be there, to be present, without commenting or feeding back. Do we need to categorize their progress or our own?
Two things I particularly appreciate about this book is the advice of talking to your newborn babies as if they understand and letting them know what you're about to do e.g. I'm about to change your nappies. Gerber compares this to if you (as an adult) were reliant on a carer and they just lifted up your legs by your feet and started taking off your pants without explaining what they were doing - how would you respond? Another tip I return to is being specific about the language we use with our children. So instead of saying 'Good Girl' (what does this mean?) we can note specifically what is happening: "I can see you're trying really hard to stand up, and look now you've done it." It's perhaps interesting to reflect on how much we assess and reward our own and our children's physical achievements. Is it necessary? Could it be enough to just be observing, to be there, to be present, without commenting or feeding back. Do we need to categorize their progress or our own?
March 10, 2010
As D.H. Lawrence said, "How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning."
I wasn't sure about this book at first. I mean, she advocates letting your child go down stairs head first because it's the way they want to do it and that's the way they learn. I think she has probably worked with smarter babies than what I have since I think mine would have split her head open if I'd let her try that.
Stair-mastering aside, I like the general philosophy of this book which is basically that babies may need you to feed and change them, but they're pretty good at figuring everything else out on their own because they're autonomous beings who deserve to be respected as such. I already follow some of the principles, like just childproofing everything and letting her roam free. Sometimes I discover too late that things I thought were childproofed actually aren't, but c'est la vie.
This book is probably the antidote to "helicopter parents" since it encourages attending to your child's needs and then leaving them alone to explore at will thus giving them self-confidence that comes from self-mastery. It's made me feel a lot better about skipping out on all the "baby and me" type classes out there.
I wasn't sure about this book at first. I mean, she advocates letting your child go down stairs head first because it's the way they want to do it and that's the way they learn. I think she has probably worked with smarter babies than what I have since I think mine would have split her head open if I'd let her try that.
Stair-mastering aside, I like the general philosophy of this book which is basically that babies may need you to feed and change them, but they're pretty good at figuring everything else out on their own because they're autonomous beings who deserve to be respected as such. I already follow some of the principles, like just childproofing everything and letting her roam free. Sometimes I discover too late that things I thought were childproofed actually aren't, but c'est la vie.
This book is probably the antidote to "helicopter parents" since it encourages attending to your child's needs and then leaving them alone to explore at will thus giving them self-confidence that comes from self-mastery. It's made me feel a lot better about skipping out on all the "baby and me" type classes out there.
June 8, 2014
"Do less, observe more, enjoy most!" - Magda Gerber
I learned of Magda Gerber through the teachers in our Waldorf school whom encourage her philosophy of parenting/teaching. Well, lo and behold. I absolutely love this author. Gerber is incredibly warm, inviting and nurturing. It's empathy, attachment driven with strong personal respect/boundaries (for both child and parent). She encourages parent therapy since we all essentially "re-live" our childhood (traumas) through parenting our children. Top 5 parenting books I've ever read.
I learned of Magda Gerber through the teachers in our Waldorf school whom encourage her philosophy of parenting/teaching. Well, lo and behold. I absolutely love this author. Gerber is incredibly warm, inviting and nurturing. It's empathy, attachment driven with strong personal respect/boundaries (for both child and parent). She encourages parent therapy since we all essentially "re-live" our childhood (traumas) through parenting our children. Top 5 parenting books I've ever read.
September 26, 2024
3.5 Some things do sound like "privileged kids and parents". A lot of good advice, but a lot of things wouldn't be easy to implement at all ("just have a big outdoor space available as a garden or patio and fit it with a permanent outside playpen and crib!" Sure...). Baffled about the "give a wollen or cotton scarf as a first toy" but also "absolutely avoid a nylon or silk scarf, it can choke the baby" or how rattles and other toys don't make sense for a kid so give your kid containers from the household shop instead. It has the potential to be a bit extreme. Although it talks about mum and dad and parents being involved equally, the Saturday routine chapter is basically all about a mum doing everything (childcare and house chores) while dad only briefly appears at 4 pm checking on the baby while "reading his magazines" to let mum cook. Also the bit about trying to stop working for the first two years or at least work part-time sounds condescending, especially when it kind of implies that it's a personal choice and not a financial one, especially in a society that already penalises working women after maternity leave in so many ways. It never really says "women should stop working" but it kind of implies it as no male voices are really presented anywhere. It was still progressive for its time, but certainly privileged. It doesn't surprise me to hear that the inspiration comes from a pediatrician working for a few selected wealthy families in Budapest, having the time to observe the babies for hours at the time.
Read
January 13, 2012The RIE approach teaches parents to observe kids and not try to solve their frustrations or conflicts for them, but try as much as possible to let them solve them by themselves.
It is a good complement to the attachment parenting theory. Attachment parenting can be overwhelming for parents because it's putting a lot of responsibility on parents, especially when you're a first-time parent. It can feel as if it's your responsibility to stop your child cries.
But babies need to express themselves, and sometimes their whimpers and little cries are no more than them trying to find their way to do something (grabbing a toy or going to sleep) and us picking them up or giving the toy would be disrupting. They are just expressing their frustration and trying to work them out. Ultimately, giving them the opportunity to figure things out on their own and not always entertain them empowers them.
All in all, a good book to help you find your own parenting style. A bit too preachy to my liking but certainly a very interesting approach.
It is a good complement to the attachment parenting theory. Attachment parenting can be overwhelming for parents because it's putting a lot of responsibility on parents, especially when you're a first-time parent. It can feel as if it's your responsibility to stop your child cries.
But babies need to express themselves, and sometimes their whimpers and little cries are no more than them trying to find their way to do something (grabbing a toy or going to sleep) and us picking them up or giving the toy would be disrupting. They are just expressing their frustration and trying to work them out. Ultimately, giving them the opportunity to figure things out on their own and not always entertain them empowers them.
All in all, a good book to help you find your own parenting style. A bit too preachy to my liking but certainly a very interesting approach.
July 20, 2016
If I were to recommend just one book to expectant parents, it'd be this one. A great antidote to the mania for training your baby to do everything, and also to the pressure to be a Pinterest-perfect, or just plain perfect (read: martyred) mom. Very loving and respectful approach to raising a human being.
September 29, 2008
This book is a must for anyone who cares for babies. The idea of caring for infants with respect may sound undeniable, but this book teaches you how many of the ways infants are commonly treated are not respectful. It is super easy to read and so informative! a great resource for parents!
July 8, 2019
Book for work.
Hm, it is a truly different perspective to what I have read before about educating children. I liked how the author introduced the term 'educaring' and the whole aspect of nature vs nurture comes into one. I also appreciated the point of view that even the most little humans are humans, rather than 'something that will be something after a year or so'.
I did not like certain examples for a couple of situations. 1) Two children are fighting for the same toy. No agreement is reached even after trying to extinguish 'fire'. Suggested solution? Hide the toy and they will stop crying. Erm, that doesn't sound like a solution at all. 2)Infant is crying, mum needs her own time. Infant time vs. your time. Solution? 'Mummy needs to talk on the phone. I will be back in 20 minutes' and leaves the room -- erm, you be the judge.
Hm, it is a truly different perspective to what I have read before about educating children. I liked how the author introduced the term 'educaring' and the whole aspect of nature vs nurture comes into one. I also appreciated the point of view that even the most little humans are humans, rather than 'something that will be something after a year or so'.
I did not like certain examples for a couple of situations. 1) Two children are fighting for the same toy. No agreement is reached even after trying to extinguish 'fire'. Suggested solution? Hide the toy and they will stop crying. Erm, that doesn't sound like a solution at all. 2)Infant is crying, mum needs her own time. Infant time vs. your time. Solution? 'Mummy needs to talk on the phone. I will be back in 20 minutes' and leaves the room -- erm, you be the judge.
April 15, 2019
I love the RIE philosophy, however having recently read “Your Self-Confident Baby” also by Magda Gerber, this book read as the Cliff’s Notes companion to that. Would definitely recommend “Your Self-Confident Baby” over “Dear Parents...” as it gives a more comprehensive overview of the concepts and real-life examples.
November 26, 2018
Even though the title says infants, the book is applicable to all kids.
Good and practical ways to handle kids and situations are discussed.
I felt bit overlap with 'No bad kids' which I read earlier.
Good and practical ways to handle kids and situations are discussed.
I felt bit overlap with 'No bad kids' which I read earlier.
March 17, 2019
I wish I would have read this before our little one was born. I feel like so much of the preparation is focused on the birth and not what comes next. I found this book centering, practical, and helpful for the whirlwind of new lessons in the first year.
March 17, 2020
Das Buch gibt einem viel Mut, das Kind einfach machen zu lassen und ihm viel zuzutrauen ohne es zu überfordern.
Teils ist es mir aber zu extrem - anche Dinge wären für mich persönlich so nicht praktikabel, und ich bin mir auch nicht sicher ob mein Kind dafür gemacht wäre.
Teils ist es mir aber zu extrem - anche Dinge wären für mich persönlich so nicht praktikabel, und ich bin mir auch nicht sicher ob mein Kind dafür gemacht wäre.
October 10, 2022
I had to read this for my RIE class but find more and more similarities to what I have always believed and this method.
I am trying to find way to incorporate more of these practices into my practice.
I am trying to find way to incorporate more of these practices into my practice.
April 12, 2024
There is some truly bananas shit in this book, but there is also some food for thought. Like most of the pregnancy and parenting books I've read, I tried to scan it and glean what jived with my style while ignoring the rest.
February 11, 2018
I’m really starting to dig this RIE stuff. How have I not heard of this before now?
February 4, 2019
3.5 stars. I read this book because Janet Lansbury speaks so highly of Magda Gerber. Some good takeaways, but not as much as I had hoped.
May 20, 2024
Very Sudbury/unschool-y
October 23, 2024
A must-read for all caregivers.
April 6, 2025
SOOO grateful I found this book in my parenting journey. So so important and so inspirational.
November 11, 2025
My queen Magda
May 3, 2010
"Think of having a baby as a unique time that you can both enjoy - it never comes back again. And that is the time for you to invest, to put in time. This is a time of letting go, a time to feel at ease, not hurried, not pushed, not wanting to achieve. If you are wanting to do something else while you are with your children, this ambivalence, this being torn, can make this time more difficult. (That does not mean you cannot also make arrangements and go away at times.) You still have the rest of your life to do all the things that you want to do." p.25
"All healthy babies cry. We would worry if they didn't cry - no infant can be raised without crying. Respond to the baby, reflecting that you are there and that eventually you will learn to understand the reasons for the crying. do not start crazy tricks. Infants do not need them at any age, and neither do you. Do not make babies dependent on distractions that you do not want them to depend on later. Your baby will learn to be calm from calm parents in a calm atmosphere." p. 42
"Do you tolerate your child's crying? It seems so much easier to do something about crying: to pick up, move around, take for a ride, pat, bounce. When the baby cries, the first step should be to determine why he cries, rather than to try to stop the crying. When you have eliminated hunger and other standard discomforts and the baby is still crying, that is the time to tolerate crying, even to respect the infant's right to cry. You might want to say "I am here to help you, but I do not know what you need. Try to tell me." If that is what you feel, share it; this is the beginning of communication." p. 168-169
"All healthy babies cry. We would worry if they didn't cry - no infant can be raised without crying. Respond to the baby, reflecting that you are there and that eventually you will learn to understand the reasons for the crying. do not start crazy tricks. Infants do not need them at any age, and neither do you. Do not make babies dependent on distractions that you do not want them to depend on later. Your baby will learn to be calm from calm parents in a calm atmosphere." p. 42
"Do you tolerate your child's crying? It seems so much easier to do something about crying: to pick up, move around, take for a ride, pat, bounce. When the baby cries, the first step should be to determine why he cries, rather than to try to stop the crying. When you have eliminated hunger and other standard discomforts and the baby is still crying, that is the time to tolerate crying, even to respect the infant's right to cry. You might want to say "I am here to help you, but I do not know what you need. Try to tell me." If that is what you feel, share it; this is the beginning of communication." p. 168-169
September 16, 2014
Full of good, thought-provoking ideas concerning raising children that are harder to implement than one would think.
I heard of RIE late in my first pregnancy, but I wasn't ready to "listen" then. What? Tell my baby I'm going to pick her up beforehand? Who does that? Who has time for it? Not I when they don't understand anyway. And yet, and yet. It is one simple thing among many that helps parents (people in general) start a respectful relationship with a baby from the very first. I've been doing my best to use RIE principles with my son and I see a marked difference in quantified-beyond-a-doubt things like the preparedness of his body to be moved/held. Other aspects of his personality and routines that differ from my daughter's are harder to attribute 100% to RIE, but he is not as fussy or needy, he is a good napper, and he sleeps early with no undue fuss. Better than all those things, though, is the pleasure I've experienced watching him grow and discover at his own pace. Neither my husband nor I are into pushing kids to learn things before they are ready, but RIE is helping me to truly pay attention to both of my children.
I really wish I had been ready to listen with daughter.
I heard of RIE late in my first pregnancy, but I wasn't ready to "listen" then. What? Tell my baby I'm going to pick her up beforehand? Who does that? Who has time for it? Not I when they don't understand anyway. And yet, and yet. It is one simple thing among many that helps parents (people in general) start a respectful relationship with a baby from the very first. I've been doing my best to use RIE principles with my son and I see a marked difference in quantified-beyond-a-doubt things like the preparedness of his body to be moved/held. Other aspects of his personality and routines that differ from my daughter's are harder to attribute 100% to RIE, but he is not as fussy or needy, he is a good napper, and he sleeps early with no undue fuss. Better than all those things, though, is the pleasure I've experienced watching him grow and discover at his own pace. Neither my husband nor I are into pushing kids to learn things before they are ready, but RIE is helping me to truly pay attention to both of my children.
I really wish I had been ready to listen with daughter.
February 12, 2017
Concise and easy to read. A refreshing approach to raising children. Accessible, down-to-earth, and inspirational. I do not plan to implement all of her suggestions, but will aspire to try many of them!
August 12, 2011
My closest friend's mom gave me this book a few weeks ago. I'm not sure what I think of the whole RIE approach, but I'm certainly curious.
Right now, I like the idea of doing a 'tapas' approach to parenting: a taste of this, a taste of that. Yum, tapas...!
***
There's some practical and common sense advice in this book. I like the idea of giving your child the space and freedom to do things on their own, to not help them too much as they reach for the toy, etc. etc. And, of course, we should talk to our children as we change their clothes and whatnot! Sometimes, though, the tone rubbed me the wrong way. It felt a bit superior, sort of "This, little parent, is the best, the only way to raise a child! How dare someone go another route!" All parenting-philosophies can be like this, I suppose. Again, I like the idea of doing what works, and using different aspects of different parenting approaches, to meet my and my child's needs. RIE feels a little restrictive for me.
Right now, I like the idea of doing a 'tapas' approach to parenting: a taste of this, a taste of that. Yum, tapas...!
***
There's some practical and common sense advice in this book. I like the idea of giving your child the space and freedom to do things on their own, to not help them too much as they reach for the toy, etc. etc. And, of course, we should talk to our children as we change their clothes and whatnot! Sometimes, though, the tone rubbed me the wrong way. It felt a bit superior, sort of "This, little parent, is the best, the only way to raise a child! How dare someone go another route!" All parenting-philosophies can be like this, I suppose. Again, I like the idea of doing what works, and using different aspects of different parenting approaches, to meet my and my child's needs. RIE feels a little restrictive for me.
October 22, 2012
A fantastic book for those with infants themselves and also for those caring for other peoples infants. I have done both and found that I followed the RIE approach a lot more strictly when working with other peoples children as I felt I could be more relaxed with my own child and also I was so much more tired with my own that sometimes it took too much effort to follow the theory. I think it is a new way of thinking(although it seems so simple and commonsense) it does take effort on our part...all the children that I have used this appoach on seem to thrive on the happy relationship that develops when respect is the main foundation...happy reading :)
January 4, 2016
Helpful, sensible approach to hands-on, attentive and engaging child-rearing. This book gives parents the confidence to "make room" and bring baby up into a safe, peaceful and engaging environment where the infant is self-guided in learning.
Contrary to the high-tech gadgets that parents are encouraged to own, Gerber offers a tried and true approach. Children can be active, rather than passive observers of toys that whiz and pop and screens that talk and "teach."
RIE methodology spoke to me and definitely helped me with my infant son. Strongly recommend for any parent or daycare professional.
Contrary to the high-tech gadgets that parents are encouraged to own, Gerber offers a tried and true approach. Children can be active, rather than passive observers of toys that whiz and pop and screens that talk and "teach."
RIE methodology spoke to me and definitely helped me with my infant son. Strongly recommend for any parent or daycare professional.
March 25, 2008
Great book about raising infants. Got a lot of good ideas about toys for infants, not intervening and letting children try to work out their issues before stepping in, observation is very important, thumb sucking is not as horrible as I thought, and other great things! Did not totally agree with everything, but loved a lot of her ideas.
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