Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men's Violence, and Women's Lives

Feminist Crosscurrents

by Dee L.R. Graham

Have you wondered: Why women are more sympathetic than men toward O. J. Simpson? Why women were no more supportive of the Equal Rights Amendment than men? Why women are no more likely than men to support a female political candidate? Why women are no more likely than men to embrace feminism--a movement by, about, and for women? Why some women stay with men who abuse them? Loving to Survive addresses just these issues and poses a surprising answer. Likening women's situation to that of hostages, Dee L. R. Graham and her co- authors argue that women bond with men and adopt men's perspective in an effort to escape the threat of men's violence against them.

Dee Graham's announcement, in 1991, of her research on male-female bonding was immediately followed by a national firestorm of media interest. Her startling and provocative conclusion was covered in dozens of national newspapers and heatedly debated. In Loving to Survive, Graham provides us with a complete account of her remarkable insights into relationships between men and women.

In 1973, three women and one man were held hostage in one of the largest banks in Stockholm by two ex-convicts. These two men threatened their lives, but also showed them kindness. Over the course of the long ordeal, the hostages came to identify with their captors, developing an emotional bond with them. They began to perceive the police, their prospective liberators, as their enemies, and their captors as their friends, as a source of security. This seemingly bizarre reaction to captivity, in which the hostages and captors mutually bond to one another, has been documented in other cases as well, and has become widely known as Stockholm Syndrome.

The authors of this book take this syndrome as their starting point to develop a new way of looking at male-female relationships. Loving to Survive considers men's violence against women as crucial to understanding women's current psychology. Men's violence creates ever-present, and therefore often unrecognized, terror in women. This terror is often experienced as a fear for any woman of rape by any man or as a fear of making any man angry. They propose that women's current psychology is actually a psychology of women under conditions of captivitythat is, under conditions of terror caused by male violence against women. Therefore, women's responses to men, and to male violence, resemble hostages' responses to captors.

Loving to Survive explores women's bonding to men as it relates to men's violence against women. It proposes that, like hostages who work to placate their captors lest they kill them, women work to please men, and from this springs women's femininity. Femininity describes a set of behaviors that please men because they communicate a woman's acceptance of her subordinate status. Thus, feminine behaviors are, in essence, survival strategies. Like hostages who bond to their captors, women bond to men in an effort to survive.

This is a book that will forever change the way we look at male-female relationships and women's lives.

Genres: Feminism, Nonfiction, Psychology, Womens, Feminist Theory, Gender, Gender Studies

348 pages, Kindle Edition

First published July 1, 1994

Reviews

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

My very conservative boss gave me a gift certificate to,B&N years ago, and since it was "free money" I decided to buy this book - the library did not have it. I'm sure he'd be horrified by the concepts in this book, but I found it to be an incredible read - one of those books where your own notes in the margin take up more room than the original text. It's a radical theory, but I think Psychologist Dee Graham does a great job of defending her thesis. The section on why straight men are so terrified of gay men is worth the whole book, but then, you have to read the whole book to put her reasoninginto context. One of those books I am STILL angry I loaned to someone, since of course I never got it back.

[Tamsin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well this is everything I think now

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential to anyone who wants to understand how women relate to men and themselves

[Rhylan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be required reading for every woman in the world. That’s not an overstatement. If you’re a woman, whether or not you’ve experienced abuse, you must read this. Despite the heavy title, I promise it’s not as dry as it sounds. It’s a book about what it means to be a woman—the lies society has taught us about being women—and how crippled and fearful these teachings can leave us. It will shock you, infuriate you, enthrall you with its sickening revelations, but ultimately heal injuries you didn’t know you had. I’d recommend it for men too, but only if they’ve reached a place where they can read about social and institutionalized misogyny without getting defensive. This book does not play a blame game. It cites many studies very coolly and clearly, but it does present the blunt facts about what patriarchy is and how it has infested every facet of our lives even if you think you’ve escaped its influence.

“It was as though he wanted to annihilate me. More than the slapping, or the kicks… as though he wanted to tear me apart from the inside out and simply leave nothing there.”

I myself grew up in an environment where I was repeatedly told sexism was over. Where it wasn’t hip to be a feminist (or charmingly, “feminazi”) because women like that were just bitter about problems that no longer plagued us. Outside of a few sexist slurs, misogyny was something that happened to women elsewhere, in countries where female genital mutilation was common, child brides were still being used as bartering chips and you couldn’t hold a job outside of being a housewife or prostitute. Little did I know my carefully constructed bubble of naivety was not one of pure privilege but just another symptom of patriarchal brainwashing that has existed since the dawn of civilization.

I used to think I was exempt from that world, that I already knew better. I was wrong. We’re all affected by misogyny to some extent, not only men but sometimes especially women. Internalized misogyny that leads us to betray our sisters either directly (excusing a male family member or friend for abuse, rape or other harms because you supposedly know him better) or through our outlooks (“I’m not like other girls”) is a disgusting thing, and Loving to Survive is here to explain why we do it. If you want to stop unwittingly maintaining the system, this book is your red pill. It’ll wake you up. It reveals the poison we’ve been consuming since childhood so we can stop harming ourselves and become whole.

“When men discuss with one another their sexual relations with women, they are being (covertly) sexual with one another… although they have sex with women, their emotional bonds are with one another. They are saying to their male companions, ‘You are more important to me than the woman with whom I had sex.’ The companions are invisible, but they are there with the man doing the ‘fucking,’ sharing in his victory of the exploitation of a woman, the men’s bonds strengthened by the sharing, united in their subjugation of femaleness.”

Stockholm Syndrome. That’s where the book starts. A group of people were held hostage in a Swedish bank and the victims started identifying with their captor(s). This wasn’t limited to the women and as it turns out it’s not only limited to typical hostage situations either. Stockholm Syndrome arises among all sorts of groups, from prisoners of war to children from traumatic homes to abuse victims. It’s a coping mechanism born from a survival strategy: We show and even start to deeply believe in affection for those who hold power over us. We seek to placate them, understand and preempt their needs, make excuses for their behavior so we aren’t physically or psychologically destroyed. And the psychological aspect is much more important than many realize.

You hear people asking abuse victims why they “didn’t just leave,” which I’ve always found bafflingly akin to asking someone with depression why they can’t “just be happy.” It’s natural to try and find or manufacture some scrap of goodness within a person you thought you could trust, especially when said person professes to love you and society supports varying levels of abusive relationships as the norm. Acceptance is far easier and less dangerous a task than rebellion, not to mention the immense shame that comes with acknowledging all the times you toed the line to get by another day.

Based on this core explanation of Stockholm Syndrome and how it takes hold, Graham and her associates throw you in the deep end. What if it wasn’t just individual victims with Stockholm Syndrome? What if women as a whole were a hostage group suffering a societal Stockholm Syndrome towards men acting as literal and/or psychological captors?

Sound crazy? Yeah, I thought it was a stretch too at first. Graham seemed reasonable though, and she goes on to systematically examine a huge variety of topics from the history of society to family relations, gender norms, domestic violence, pornography, religion and casual social interactions. Once you’re through it, you’ll realize it’s not such a strange thought after all. They’re all incredibly valuable, but one of my favorite chapters was the fifth titled “The Beauties and the Beasts.” In this section Graham tears apart the concept of femininity to show how the very idea of what it means to “act like a lady” is rooted in misogyny, creating a subordinate class based on our sex. I nor Graham are saying that everything associated with stereotypical femininity is evil, but many of the learned behaviors we’ve unconsciously prioritized (heterosexual romantic relationships over all others, the beauty industry and its ever-changing tenets, being overly empathetic to strangers or those who have wronged us) can lead to immense harm. Getting through that segment felt like tearing out deep-rooted splinters, both painfully laborious and a relief.

“Societal Stockholm Syndrome theory suggests that women are more likely to put men’s interests, feelings, and needs before our own when our survival is dependent upon men’s good will. The more dependent women are on men during any given period in history, the more likely we are to show these ‘selfless’ behaviors. Whether the norms put forth in the magazines are traditional or liberal, the message that women are still responsible for the emotional climate of the relationship remains unchanged."

The only part of this book that felt slightly dated was one section that looked at studies surrounding chivalry, “benevolent sexism” in which women are seemingly prioritized but in reality, reinforced as being weaker and inferior. The dating world has changed quite a lot since the 90s and, as they say, chivalry is dead. For better or worse. It would be interesting to examine today’s supposedly more egalitarian norms involving dating apps, hookup culture and the general expectation of instant gratification whether that’s sex on demand or unlimited access to women through social media and technology.

Many of the traits women are pushed to adopt lead to us feeling less than or even self-loathing, especially when we don’t have a romantic relationship to hold up as a ward against society’s judgment. This results in a less developed sense of identity and control over our own lives. I never realized how much I felt like I “needed” male approval and validation, even from those I barely knew and as someone who prided herself on independence. Loving to Survive allows you to break those expectations and focus wholly on yourself, whoever that may be free of toxic influences for the first time. I read this initially in my late 20s and only afterwards did I finally feel like I’d grown up. I know women both younger and older than me who were just as shaken by this book, but they were also given hope thanks to the knowledge and solutions it offered. Don’t assume you’re above it all and don’t waste any more time accepting a smaller version of yourself. If you’ve come this far, do yourself a favor and take the plunge. Loving to Survive is rarely fun and you’ll have to digest some discomforting truths, but eventually you’ll take away something invaluable.

“If women stopped being feminine, would men love us even less than they do now? If men stopped loving women, would we be left all alone? And wouldn’t women lose access to men’s money, power, and prestige? If men no longer loved women, would women be able to survive? Would we even want to?”

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s not often that I’ve read a book that makes me uncomfortable reading it. This is interesting considering the information shared was to increase awareness of the psychological theory around captor - captive roles and how women and men’s world views are affected by it.

It was an eye opening read and definitely shifted my perspective about collective thought in groups and specifically women. It helped solidify the need to push your boundaries on how you think and act. Changing perspective can and does alter your reality.

Certainly not mainstream reading ... unfortunately.

[Kat Lyse · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most important book for women ever written.
This book goes straight to the core of women's psychology, men's psychology, the basis of men's oppression of women and girls and is the most consciousness raising book for women that exists. I wish this book was mandatory for all women and girls to read. It is both eye-opening, horrifying, depressing and relieving to read. Everything will finally make sense. Everything. It is THE book. I can't recommend it enough.

[Kitty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be mandatory reading in high school. I desperately urge any woman to read this book at the drop of a hat or with absolutely no provocation at all. It is invaluable. You can find it online at http://radfem.org/stockholm/ or interlibrary loan it. Please read this book.

[Danny M · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential read for all women.

[Amelia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading.

[Emilia · Rating 5 out of 5]

AMAZING

[Ariel ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book completely transformed how I think about relationship violence, misogyny, and gender relations. Dr. Graham's words really resonated with me and mirrored my own lived experiences.

[lezhypatia · Rating 4 out of 5]

“And what women need to do is to do feminism—not justify, explain, or theorize in ways that distract us from doing feminism and from noticing that the theory is abundandy present in our practice.”

[Julie EVHS · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book focuses on a law of behavior: Stockholm Syndrome. Basically, it means that the women has developed sympathy for violent men (such as rapists). The book tries to propose many ways women can act natural. He also focuses on the definition, causes and consequences of the syndrome. He also talked about the sterotypes of how people might behave. I think the most helpful part of the book is the solutions he proposed for women and how they can overcome the syndrome themselves.

[Dana · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's too good for me to just review this with a few words.

[Luisa Lopes · Rating 3 out of 5]

É inegável que a construção que a autora faz baseada na síndrome de Estocolmo para explicar a constituição da psicologia feminina é interessante.

No entanto, em certas passagens o apoio único na síndrome deixa a análise um tanto rasa. Alguns trechos são um pouco repetitivos e a própria autora reforça o recorte branco estadounidense.

De qualquer forma, acho que se tivesse lido há uns anos teria ~explodido minha cabeça. Tendo contato com outras literaturas feministas, o livro reforça mais um aspecto da construção que o patriarcado faz em nós.

Destaque positivo para o trecho sobre a heterossexualidade compulsória no penúltimo capítulo.

[annie · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was brilliant! an essential read for anyone interested in feminist theory. while the topics discussed were uncomfortable at times to assess, this is a read that has definitely shifted my perspective on quite a few issues. the book delves into what it means to be a woman, the basis of men's oppression of women and how that impacts relationships, and women's psychology.

[Lu · Rating 5 out of 5]

sin palabras

[Hazel Theophania · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible, compelling, well articulated, revelatory... read it

[Aimee Georgeson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating.

[Sierra · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5. An important read if you desire a deeper understanding of the relationships between men and women on a societal level.

[Suzana Veiga · Rating 3 out of 5]

Premissa fraca, metodologia ruim, uso relapso de teorias sofisticadas das feministas radicais. Promete pouco e cumpre quase nada.

[maya · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title is so nice. Loving to Survive..... wow.

[Manoela Veras · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pela segunda vez li "Amar para Sobreviver". Na primeira vez, tinha tido alguma dificuldade com a leitura, fato que se repetiu com ainda mais ênfase agora.

A autora bebe de muitas fontes lesbofeministas e feministas radicais dos Estados Unidos. No entanto, a profundidade e o cuidado com generalizações se faz ausente. Passagens contraditórias, uma "patologização" de questões sociais e a ausência de análises sobre a história das mulheres são problemas centrais no livro. Em inúmeras passagens, há também falas universalizantes que partem de um pressuposto, no mínimo, questionável (a expansão da Síndrome do Estocolmo para o seio social) e que podem ser rebatidos a partir de estudos da história das mulheres.

Em suma, todas as considerações e contribuições brilhantes que o livro traz advêm de outras autoras, como a crítica ao amor romântico, à heterossexualidade e à feminilidade. Sugiro, então, ler Adrienne Rich, Audre Lorde, Marylin Frye e outras referências lesbofeministas que trabalham com essas temáticas.

[Sabrina Munhoz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essa leitura deveria ser obrigatória para todas as mulheres pelo poder de abrir consciências, provocar questionamentos profundos e desnaturalizar violências que tantas vezes são romantizadas. É uma obra que oferece não apenas uma análise crítica do patriarcado, mas que provoca reflexões urgentes sobre as estruturas que sustentam a opressão das mulheres.

Não se trata de um livro confortável, e nem acho que deveria ser. É provocador, corajoso e politicamente potente. Sua escrita oferece ferramentas para repensarmos as relações afetivas em uma perspectiva de liberdade e dignidade.

Sigo na esperança de que um dia as mulheres não precisem mais amar para sobreviver.

[Amanda Haake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eu terminei o livro agora e só consigo pensar na extrema necessidade dele ser distribuídos ao maior número de mulheres possível. É, provavelmente, a leitura mais importante da minha vida. Um retrato da história de todas as mulheres onde você encontra suas amigas, familiares e a vocês mesma, me deixando em prantos inúmeras vezes. Parabéns pelo trabalho incrível dessa editora e para todas as mulheres envolvidas nesse projeto! Seguimos JUNTAS! ❤️

[Gabriela Rocha · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Os homens se beneficiam da repressão do terror e das distorções psíquicas subjacentes ao amor das mulheres por eles, pois escravos que amam seus mestres são mais fáceis de dominar”.

“O referencial apresentado pela teoria da síndrome de Estocolmo social permite reconhecer que os relacionamentos patriarcais entre homens e mulheres não são saudáveis sem cair na armadilha de culpar as mulheres pela própria vitimização.”

[ger ci e na · Rating 5 out of 5]

sensacional. Recomendável para todas as heteras (infelizmente são elas que não leem). As que leem reclamam de que é muito "difícil" de digerir o livro. Enquanto lésbica, tenho uma provocação para vocês: se acham "difícil" lidar com o que está escrito neste livro e ainda assim continuam dormindo com o inimigo, vocês são suas piores carrascas.

[Lorelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening and must read for academic radical feminists.

[Mariana · Rating 5 out of 5]

essential.

[Kate Comeau · Rating 5 out of 5]

yes