Savage Love: Straight Answers from America's Most Popular Sex Columnist

by Dan Savage

Welcome to the hot new wave of writing about sex: Savage Love. Columnist Dan Savage has hand-picked over 300 letters from six years worth of "Savage Love," a no-holds-barred syndicated sex-advice column which runs in 16 papers in the United States and Canada, including The Village Voice and the San Francisco Weekly. An original and funny thinker, thrashing around in the playground of human sexuality, Savage advises on a wide range of titillating topics:

* What is the best seduction music?
* How do I come out to my fundamentalist parents?
* What is so wonderful about intercourse, anyway?

Forget Anka Radakovich and Isadora Altman. Tune in to Dan Savage as he answers these questions and much more in his own uniquely irreverent and sexually spunky style.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Sexuality, LGBT, Queer, Essays, Self Help

352 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1998

About the author

Dan Savage is a writer, TV personality, and activist best known for his political and social commentary, as well as his honest approach to sex, love and relationships.

Savage’s sex advice column, “Savage Love,” is syndicated in newspapers and websites throughout the United States, Canada, Europe and Asia. He is the Editorial Director of The Stranger, Seattle’s weekly alternative newspaper, and his writing has appeared in publications including The New York Times, The New York Times Magazine, GQ, Rolling Stone, The Onion, and on Salon.com.

As an author, Savage’s books include: American Savage: Insights, Slights and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics; Savage Love; The Kid: What Happened When My Boyfriend and I Decided to Get Pregnant (PEN West Award for Creative Nonfiction, Lambda Literary Award for Nonfiction); Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America; The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage and My Family, and co-author of How to be a Person.

In addition to his appearances on CNN, MSNBC, and The Colbert Report, Savage is a contributor to Ira Glass’s This American Life, and has appeared on NPR’s Fresh Air with Terry Gross, HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher, and ABC's 20/20. Savage is a frequent and popular speaker on college campuses across the United States and Canada.

In September 2010, Savage and his husband Terry Miller created a YouTube video to inspire hope for LGBT young people facing harassment. In response to a number of students taking their own lives, Savage and Miller wanted to create a personal message to let LGBT youth know that “it gets better”. Today, the It Gets Better Project (www.itgetsbetter.org) has become a global movement, inspiring more than 50,000 It Gets Better videos viewed over 50 million times. The It Gets Better book, co-edited by Savage and Miller, was published in March 2011, and two It Gets Better, documentary specials have aired on MTV. In 2012 the It Gets Better Project received the Governors Award Emmy from the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.

Dan Savage grew up in Chicago and now lives in Seattle, Washington with his husband and their son, DJ.

Reviews

[Hank Stuever · Rating 5 out of 5]

The original.

[M— · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's interesting as a static and rather random collection of Dan Savage's earliest advice columns, but the book has largely outserved its purpose. The reference appeal of this book is very limited, as the topics of many these columns were more relevant at the time of their original publication; and I found the entertainment appeal rather negligible, as the original Savage Love tagline of "Hey, Faggot" grated on my reading experience for the same reasons as why the Savage eventually dropped the tagline all together.

The same content is available on the web as part of the complete Savage Love archives, and I found it far easier to both browse and search through the web archive than to read this book.

While I am an avid reader of Savage's column and blog and recommend his memoir publications highly, this particular book is deservedly out of print.

Related reviews:
Savage Love
It Gets Better
American Savage

[Patricia · Rating 2 out of 5]

This cost me 25 cents at a used book sale. That was about the appropriate price.

[Geordie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading Dan Savage is always a pleasure. He's witty, eloquent, courageous, and sympathetic - unless you're a scumbag or in denial, in which case his literary bitch-slap is ALSO a great pleasure to read.

I recommend this book, but, in all honesty, not passionately. This is an older book, and Savage has absolutely improved with age and experience. He's funnier and smarter these days, and less likely to throw out crass jokes for a cheap laugh. Give this book a try, but don't let it be your first Dan Savage book.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been a fan of Dan Savage for more than a decade, but this book stretches back even further in time to the early days of the column when Dan was addressed as 'Dear Faggot.' I love the humour and insight Dan reveals in his answers to questions that run the gamut from long distance relationships to cunnilingus to baking tips. The answers where he quotes his mother are especially poignant now.
The book is a "best of" from his column and contains questions and answers Dan Savage continues to address in his current column and podcast. Reading this made me realize that despite Dan's occasional snark, he's actually incredibly patient to answer questions that recur again and again with good humour (the book isn't repetitious, though. It'll just be incredibly familiar to anyone who's a fan).

[Leilah Thiel · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's odd, looking back on this book, how much it shaped me at the time. There were a lot of things which really helped me. That said, I internalized a lot of his biphobic bullshit & body shaming back in the day, and it took *forever* to unlearn that shit. Given that and his rampant transphobia, I really couldn't recommend this to anyone. While it was transformative for me, it wasn't always in a good way. There are better books by better people out there.

[Evan Kirby · Rating 4 out of 5]

I know it's against his gimmick, but I enjoy Savage more when he's just giving straight advice rather than when he's cracking wise on the letters and making jokes. I get it's supposed to be entertainment, but sometimes it veers a little more towards that path than I would like when I'd just as rather get everything straight (pun not intended).

[Fawn · Rating 4 out of 5]

If for no other reason than to understand the meaning of, "How 'd that happen?" you should read this book.

[Meg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dan Savage should be required reading for high school Health classes. I think if my students read his books they would be more accepting and make less mistakes.

[Ann Feutz · Rating 2 out of 5]

I remember reading Savage Love whenever I was able to snag a copy of The Onion, but it's been many years since I had last done so.

I picked this book up at a sale for about 50 cents and after the first few pages, found myself feeling like I had to force myself to get through to the end. I particularly hated the continued use of Savage's original tagline and wished he hadn't included it before every freaking letter.

There was definitely a lot of information about sex and relationships here. For a book published in 1998, some of it is still relevant. Other topics, though, are completely out-dated. There were times when I laughed out loud and times when my eyes glazed over.

One thing is for sure- Dan Savage is definitely a dick. I assume it's because that behavior is more entertaining to readers and/or sells more copies. It is both funny and sad in the sections of this book when people start arguing with Dan about the advice he gives to people.

Final verdict: Meh. Not for me.

[Gopal Sadagopal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very honest, daring and purely rational approach to sex. I liked that he is not afraid to attack society norms that are hypocritical and discriminatory based on religious shrouds.

One area he misses out: He doesn’t talk about happiness coming from contentment. Perfection is a mirage. Whether it is sex, money, power or athletic achievement, going after ‘everything’ may help you achieve more but not necessarily happiness. Somewhere along the way, happiness is found only when one is content with what has been acquired/achieved/experienced. It is not the same as compromising or as the author says ‘price for admission ‘. And it is not giving up and settling for less satisfactory status. It is being happy to have what you have.

[Dominika · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been a fan of Dan Savage's podcast as well as his column, and this is pretty much just a collection of those questions and answers. I suppose how much you'd get from this depends on your own relationship philosophy, but I love this. Dan has a nice mixture of rational tough-love advice and some of the new-age forgiveness, and he's obviously quite open towards different sexualities, relationship dynamics, and kink. And I like this collection in the same way that I like cookbooks: Yeah, you can go online and get a million recipes, or search for a specific piece of advice, but it's just fun to browse and get inspired.

[Christopher Small · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book as a way to navigate my existence during my NAFTA VISA years living & working in Seattle WA — In my after office hours/spare time I attended various lectures / “town halls” put on by the local LGBTQmunity of Seattle’s Capitol Hill district ...a highlight of these events were those attended by Dan Savage among the other notable panelists —
Mr. Savage is a great character in real life — and his matter of fact advice is invaluable.
This is a perfect book to tote around whilst commuting & it’s format allows for easy hopping around.
Very entertaining to say the least!

[Kristal Stidham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not much about sex and relationships that isn't covered here. It's all interesting, but best taken in small amounts, as the snark and superiority get stale after a handful of pages. I'm not complaining -- he's a fun personality for sure, but I like his current incarnation as a political and social influencer better.

[Alison Curtis · Rating 3 out of 5]

He can be kind of a dick but he's funny. Some stories were ridiculous and readers often got into full-on brawls over a disagreement with his responses. Definitely entertaining.

[Andrea · Rating 3 out of 5]

//

[Elena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Has just what you want in an author— a point of view, humor, insights and a glimpse into what may be a different lifestyle from your own. Lots of fun

[cindabella · Rating 4 out of 5]

Savage Love, amongst other things, tells the true story about a heterosexual sailor who beat a gay sailor to death by repeatedly slamming his head against a urinal in a bathroom in Japan and the gay sailor could only be identified by his mother from the tattoos on his arms.

Despite this reality of hate, sex columnist Dan Savage gives advice that should be taught to everyone, just like the art of kunyaza, where womens pleasure comes first in Rwanda (see New Internationalist: The joy of kunyaza: womens pleasure comes first in Rwanda... https://newint.org/features/web-exclu... ).

This article describes how 'in Western culture, where sex tends to be centred on the pleasure of a man, female ejaculation is taboo. In 2014, the British Board of Film Classification joined Australia in banning female ejaculation in porn, supposedly on the grounds that it also outlawed urolagnia (people urinating on each other for sexual pleasure) and it is difficult to tell the two apart.'

With 'the overarching influence of Western porn and popular culture, which is so often focused on the needs of men and toxic gender norms, [this] is simultaneously making sex in Rwanda less equal.' which, Simba, a herbal doctor from Rwanda is quoted as saying '‘goes back to colonial times. In order to control us the white people brought new ideas and new systems to Africans to derail our culture... Some practices were actually discarded because the missionaries thought they were dirty, that it was a sin to the Christian god to keep practicing kunyaza, all because the white men didn’t know about it,’.

Which relates to some of the advice given by Dan Savage in his book Savage Love such as, 'Most women don't come from just ... [having sex]. It's important to say most, because some women insist they have orgasms from just ... [having sex] with no clitoral stimulation at all, says a dyke pal of mine. In her vast experience with la femme lesbos, my pal has never been with a woman who came from vaginal stimulation alone’.

'... if straight sex was more like gay sex...When a guy goes to bed with a gay guy penetration is never assumed. It has to be agreed to and very often isn’t on the menu, and unlike most breeder sex, both the participants in gay sex have most likely been penetrated themselves, so both understand why someone might not want to for some reason and are willing to 'settle' for hand jobs or head instead'.

So is the lack of kunyaza being practiced by men in heterosexual encounters in Western countries because, as Simba says in the New Internationalist article simply because they don't know about it? and if not, why not? Why did those with the power to do so censor the art of female ejaculation in Western pornography and popular culture whilst promoting and focussing on the needs of men, and how does this relate to what Dan Savage refers to in his book as 'breeder sex'?

Could it be that some men just want to use women to breed? For example in 'How to Rule a Country', Cicero describes the need of the powerful in Rome for women to come to Rome, to breed a next generation of Romans who could become soldiers and men who would exchange their work as labourers in exchange for their 'safety and security'.

This is also reinforced by the book ‘Women, Nation State’ edited by Nira Yuval Davis, which uses examples of several nation states and demonstrates using evidence how women are used as breeders of the population to provide a military for the state, and states how ‘much of the breeding that engaged white women during the last years of the 19th century provided the grim fodder for the slaughter at Gallipolli and France between 1914-1918. Over 333,770 men went overseas and 63,163 or nearly 1 in 5 died in active service. Only 1 in 3 escaped wounds, capture or death’

Women, Nation State also suggests that breeding is required to create a labour force and a continued supply of women to provide sexual gratification for men, which Silvia Federici has noted in her book ‘Caliban the Witch’, women were also needed to provide free access to sex for the 'youngest and most rebellious male workers' which meant less rebellious male workers that were easier to control'

[Zahra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd like to hearby nominated Terry Miller (Dan Savage's husband) for sainthood.
I realize that Dan Savage is the Howard Stern of sex advice columnists, but if his advice reflects his outlook on relationships, the man he's shared the majority of his adult life with must be a saint.

Don't get me wrong. Some of his answers are hilarious and I want to high-five him and tell him 'well said!' because some of the letters he replies to are a testament to not just bad, but non-existent sex education and he has to S P E L L it out to them.
Other parts of the book just make me want to scream at him. Who does he think he is? Who is he to tell people to cheat on their spouses? Who is he to tell people to walk away when a relationship hits a few snags?

All in all, I must say he didn't leave me cold either way and that's worth something, right?

[N · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fun book to read on the bus, as anyone glancing at your page is likely to be assaulted with the words "fuck", "cock" and/or "pussy". Heh. Anyway, it's an entertaining and informative read. I sped through it a few short hours. Savage makes for a funny, breezy and usually well-informed advisor.

My only warning is that when it comes to the subjects on which you might disagree with the author, your head is likely to go 'splodey at the conviction with which he holds his (alternate) view. If you're conservative, this is likely to happen on every page of the book. But even liberal ol' me was supremely irritated with Savage's view on bisexuality. It's not a caveat that should stop you reading the book, though.

[Kaje Harper · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars. I love Dan Savage's writing in his other books, and reread them repeatedly just to get his amused, acerbic, sane voice in my head. This collection of his newspaper columns is earlier writing, not as polished. And his columnist persona is more acid in tone and less warmly humorous. Still there are some very funny bits in here, and some surprisingly good advice for a newspaper column. Dan Savage still shines as a rational, thoughtful observer of people of all kinds, albeit from his own clearly-defined vantage point as a gay man. As one letter writer put it: "I don't know whether to kiss you or kick your ass for your advice..." Dan's reply? "Why don't you split the difference and kiss my ass." Ah, yes, a way with words.

[Nara · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is no bad in this collection of "best of" Q & A from Dan Savage's excellent sex advice column. It's all from the early years - it was published in 1999, I think - but sex and relationships haven't really changed enough to date it at all (so to speak). I love Dan's straightforward advice, I love the wide, wild, and varied spectrum of human sexuality and curiosity, and I love this book. 'Nuff said.

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written in 1998 or so, Dan Savage has only improved with time. This is a compilation of some of his column from the past 7yrs or so (as of 1998). I find it highly entertaining to browse through and gain a great appreciation of the opinion of 'Savage Love' (not to mention I am addicted to his podcast).

I totally recommend this book for couples (of any variety). I shall now force my bf to read it as well and use it for reference, haha!

[Trin · Rating 3 out of 5]

The best of Savage's sex advice column. Entertaining in that Savage is funny and people are weird. I certainly enjoyed it, but I don't really have any deep thoughts. Just: people are 1) dumb about sex and relationships and 2) into some kinky shit. But then I knew all that.

Note: I got my copy off of BookMooch. It is 1) rather beat-up, and 2) apparently signed. "Abortion--good and good for you! [illegible scrawl that may be Savage's signature]" Huh.

[Kate O'Hanlon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have often thought that my life would be better if I could get Dan Savage to run it for me.

These collection of his advise columns is a good introduction to Savage, sometimes he gives great advise, sometimes he just mocks the querent, and at one point, for reasons I don't quite understand, he ignores the questions entirely to plug Independence Day. Whether he's telling his readers to cheat on their spouses, come out of the closet or see a psychiatric Savage Love is always a good read.

[Ariel · Rating 4 out of 5]

So due to the delightful effects of insomnia, I read this almost entirely during the hours of 1 AM and 5 AM last night/this morning, so I'm not sure if my review is worth much. But I enjoyed it! He is indeed very mean to stupid people, but as I come from a family whose motto could be "do not suffer fools gladly," I found it pretty entertaining.

[Michelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I was living in Chicago I couldn't wait for the reader to come out so that I could read Savage Love. I was missing his columns, so I read this book. Even though it's almost 10 years old, his advice is still current and necessary. People of all persuasions can learn from his honesty, humor, and lack of pity for anyone.

[Dustin Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

An incredibly funny, raw, and insightful book that sheds light on and gives advice on everything from relationships and dating to really solid S&M techniques. Even the parts of the book that may not pertain to you, are incredibly funny. Super quick and easy read, and if you haven't already, do check out his column.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of this book was funny. Savage's advice was, for the most part, very funny. But then there were certain sections of this book, that gave a glimpse into very sad sex lives. That wasn't funny at all. It made me sad.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dan Savage is one of my heroes.

After all the stuff I've read about sex over the years, information in this book STILL surprised me.

Quick, interetsing reading. Savage calls people out for moronic thinking - it's great. He fosters more careful thought.