Cutting Loose: An Adult Guide to Coming to Terms with your Parents

by Howard M. Halpern

Coming of age and coming to terms with parents

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Personal Development

Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 1976

About the author

Howard M. Halpern was an American psychotherapist and author who mainly wrote self-help books about severing or realigning burdensome relationships.

Serving as president of the American Academy of Psychotherapists from 1970 to 1972, Halpern was a therapist for over fifty years. He died of leukemia on Christmas Day, 2011 at the age of 82.

Reviews

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recommend reading this book after reading Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents" to get a nice combination of understanding toxic family dynamics and developing specific strategies to interact with family going forward.

[Dottie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recognizing the "songs and dances" which entangle us within our families and learning new music and new dances or even to just let go and refuse to dance in order to survive and grow. This is the best of the self-help books I've encoutnered over time -- practical and non-judgemental and very workable solutions.

[Katarina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zanimiva knjiga. Ampak prevod v slovenščino je katastrofalen. Rodilnik ne obstaja, vejice so po večini na napačnih mestih, ali pa jih sploh ni tam, kjer bi morale biti. Prav tako me nervira uporaba besede"kateri" namesto "ki". Lektor, si sploh opravil svoje delo?

[Nika · Rating 2 out of 5]

When I started reading the book I was sure I would rate it with 5 stars.
Here is why I give it only two:

The author was more wirting on extreme cases of family relationships and sometimes your true situation can be only a glimps of what he was writing about (but that does not mean you don't want to work on it).

The style of writing, which was always addressing the reader seemed to me a bit too personal, since you might not indentify with those extreme cases.

The book is based on types/groups of moms, dads, families etc. To some extent you can say there are some people who act like XYZ but I think it's more complicated than grouping behaviors and naming them. There are several models of working in psychotheraphy, and I don't necessary agree with this one, although I did not see under what model is he making his statments.

I was not sure why the groups that he presented in the book were picked? Perhaps randomly or they are the most common ones?

So those are some key reasons for only two stars. It was for me, too confusing and I wish the structure would be more clear.

[Carol Keefer · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a recommended read from my psychotherapist that told me how to not continue in the familial role I grew up in. Of course, my family of origin said I was self-centered to not continue as the family scapegoat. I need healthy boundaries. I had internalized a lot of guilt and shame to play the scapegoat and wasn't at all happy in that role.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good at helping you identify issues and for realizing that parents are sometimes trying to get from you what they never got as children or are perpetuating the cycle of their upbringing. Definitely helped me identify issues I need to deal with in my own family.

[Annaliese Tabbert · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although this book is informative and helpful there was a lot of story telling about his previous clients and not as much handling or solving. Gives a good idea of why parents/offspring do what they do and acquire the roles they have.

[Mojca · Rating 4 out of 5]

ni bed. nisem spremenjena oseba, nisem mela globokih uvidov, ampak je blo zanimivo brat interpretacije

grozen slo prevajalec sicer :(

[Greg Talbot · Rating 4 out of 5]

"We're adults. We've got the credentials and scars to show for it." Such beginnings the analysis by Halpern and his no BS conversation with the reader. He uses his metaphor of the dance, the behaviors we exhibit when we're with our family; including dependencies, clownish behavior, feelings of inadequacy and unresolved conflicts. It's a family dance.

Really liked Halpern's tackling the idea that your parents are not always the nurturing guiding forces in our life that we'd like. One of the big tackaways for me is that by looking at the child within your parent (or anyone really), you can take a more compassionate view moving forward.

The book feels comforting even as it gets increaingly more alarmingly - talking toward some uncomfortable subjects and existential questions. But it tackles the subject marvelously.

[Jack Oughton · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book can help you understand (and possibly modify) the toxic family dynamics that so many of us unconsciously fall into when dealing with our parents. Howard refers to these as 'songs and dances', and has over 35 years professional experience in helping people deal with them.

He identifies various patterns of 'dance', your mileage may vary and your very own situation may not be represented here - nevertheless, seeing examples of other people dealing with it can help you consider your own situation and how to address it. It made me a little uncomfortable at points, in a good way.

It all brings to mind that Philip Larkin poem:

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you..."

[Suzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are some good tips in here for dealing with people who you have been around a lot but get in a certain negative role with on a regular basis. It was written in the 70s, so there are some comments about the origin of people's sexuality that may rub you the wrong way. If anyone tries to give you problems about reading this, you should know it basically counsels being respectful and patient and regards the other people's feelings but also counts in your own need to assert yourself and your own feelings.

[Evan East · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an illuminating book that helped me to see the different toxic ways in which my parents relate to me and I to them as well as the price that I'm paying for it. I will read it again as I keep becoming more and more independent from them, emotionally and financially.

[China · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book, very helpful!