The Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers Can Learn from Each Other

by Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot

With the insights she has gleaned from her close and subtle observation of parent-teacher conferences, renowned Harvard University professor Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot has written a wise, useful book about the ways in which parents and teachers can make the most of their essential conversation—the dialogue between the most vital people in a child’s life.

“The essential conversation” is the crucial exchange that occurs between parents and teachers—a dialogue that takes place more than one hundred million times a year across our country and is both mirror of and metaphor for the larger cultural forces that define family-school relationships and shape the development of our children. Participating in this twice-yearly ritual, so friendly and benign in its apparent goals, parents and teachers are often wracked with anxiety. In a meeting marked by decorum and politeness, they frequently exhibit wariness and assume defensive postures. Even though the conversation appears to be focused on the student, adults may find themselves playing out their own childhood histories, insecurities, and fears.

Through vivid portraits and parables, Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot captures the dynamics of this complex, intense relationship from the perspective of both parents and teachers. She also identifies new principles and practices for improving family-school relationships. In a voice that combines the passion of a mother, the skepticism of a social scientist, and the keen understanding of one of our nation’s most admired educators, Lawrence-Lightfoot offers penetrating analysis and an urgent call to arms for all those who want to act in the best interests of their children.

For parents and teachers who seek productive dialogues and collaborative alliances in support of the learning and growth of their children, this book will offer valuable insights, incisive lessons, and deft guidance on how to communicate more effectively. In The Essential Conversation, Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot brings scholarship, warmth, and wisdom to an immensely important cultural subject—the way we raise our children.


From the Hardcover edition.

Genres: Education, Parenting, Nonfiction, Teaching, Professional Development, Read For School

288 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot is an American sociologist who examines the culture of schools, the patterns and structures of classroom life, socialization within families and communities, and the relationships between culture and learning styles. She has been a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education since the 1970s.

Reviews

[Lorette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book should be given to every new teacher when they enter the workforce. Wonderfully, thoughtfully, and sensitively written, a qualitative accounting of how teachers and parents approach each other in the borderlands, the pitfalls, and some of the reasons why. I was especially impressed with some of the grayer areas that I have happened upon myself: the change in relating to parents after becoming a parent, some of the differences in working with parents of identified Special needs students. I need to think some of this over, in particular, student-led conferences, the need in establishing boundaries, the differing needs in parent populations.

[Joy Kirr · Rating 4 out of 5]

This gave me so very many tips on what to do and not do, and say and not say IN the parent-teacher conference. Let me know if you want to see my personal notes. I read this one for the #ClearTheAir Twitter conversations happening in August of 2019.

[NSAA Group]

With the insights she has gleaned from her close and subtle observation of parent-teacher conferences, renowned Harvard University professor Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot has written a wise, useful book about the ways in which parents and teachers can make the most of their essential conversation—the dialogue between the most vital people in a child’s life.

“The essential conversation” is the crucial exchange that occurs between parents and teachers—a dialogue that takes place more than one hundred million times a year across our country and is both mirror of and metaphor for the larger cultural forces that define family-school relationships and shape the development of our children. Participating in this twice-yearly ritual, so friendly and benign in its apparent goals, parents and teachers are often wracked with anxiety. In a meeting marked by decorum and politeness, they frequently exhibit wariness and assume defensive postures. Even though the conversation appears to be focused on the student, adults may find themselves playing out their own childhood histories, insecurities, and fears.

Through vivid portraits and parables, Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot captures the dynamics of this complex, intense relationship from the perspective of both parents and teachers. She also identifies new principles and practices for improving family-school relationships. In a voice that combines the passion of a mother, the skepticism of a social scientist, and the keen understanding of one of our nation’s most admired educators, Lawrence-Lightfoot offers penetrating analysis and an urgent call to arms for all those who want to act in the best interests of their children.

For parents and teachers who seek productive dialogues and collaborative alliances in support of the learning and growth of their children, this book will offer valuable insights, incisive lessons, and deft guidance on how to communicate more effectively. In The Essential Conversation, Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot brings scholarship, warmth, and wisdom to an immensely important cultural subject—the way we raise our children.

[Gina Marie c · Rating 2 out of 5]

While this book offers some great suggestions about how to improve and enrich conversations between teachers and parents, it is hard to accept the anti-feminist perspective in the second to last chapter. No teacher (or person for that matter) should ever feel like they cannot be successful at their job because they are not a mother. I cannot imagine how a male teacher feels after reading this chapter.

[Kameka · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a fan of SLL so perhaps I'm not the most unbiased person to write this review. In typical SLL style, this book uses stories to make its point. A very good book and a must read for all those who teach children in any way as well as the parents who raise them.

[Sarah A · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book should be read by every teacher and by every parent.
Whilst not everything in the book applies to everyone and whilst some of the descriptions and suggestions will definitely not work for some people, this book gives a lot of information and ideas for teachers and parents to consider when approaching the issue of the child's education.
Most of the concepts discussed have a lot of merit to me. We all go to parent-teacher conferences with expectations and ideas, but also with our own personal histories to bias what is said.

Different people have different ideas - I don't agree with several of the stated facts about different money status and ethnicity and immigrant status affecting those ideas - people are just different and some of the author's statements can be read a little biased.
Equally the idea that mothers make better teachers can come across a little biased! I do agree that becoming a mother can make some teachers into more understanding and "better" teachers. However I also know that some of my best teachers and some of my daughter's best teachers are those who have no children or their own. And yes some are men too!

Overall this book challenges parents and teachers to think. To think about what they are going into meetings already thinking, already believing whether real or false. It also challenges them to really think about what they want to get out of the meetings and how to best approach the meetings to make that happen. It makes parents think about how to support teachers - and by doing so support their best professional care of the students. It makes teachers realize how they need to approach difficulties - whether it be difficult students or difficult parents - to maximize the happy solutions.

[Naama · Rating 4 out of 5]

Who knew it was possible to create a thoughtful 250-page book centered on analyzing and deconstructing parent-teacher meetings? I will say that ultimately the book went beyond the twice-a-year ritual we generally refer to as the ‘parent-teacher night’ and explored the parent-
teacher relationship in general. It was also a fascinating window into race-relations and the soci-economic dynamics as played out in the school arena.

This book highlighted that, just like in any relationship, the parent-teacher relationship is founded on much more than the child at hand, and can also reflect the back-stories of the people involved in various ways and to various extents. To understand any relationship you have to look below the surface.

In addition to what I saw as anthropological bonuses, I also gleaned some important insights from the book which did directly pertain to the topic at hand:

- Think about where we are coming from as parents versus where the teacher is coming from - it’s important to walk into the relationship with empathy, knowing where the other person is coming from.
- Remember the inherent conflict between caring for the whole class and expecting a standard, versus looking out for the individual child and his needs.
- Learn to balance between building bridges and creating boundaries.
- It’s important a conversation to be based not only on subjective feelings but also various kinds of metrics.
- Think about how to shift the conversation from a 2-way conversation to a 3-way conversation, where the child is also involved.

[Maura · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but it was a slow read for the first half. The first three chapters really dragged. I liked Ch 4 and 6 and loved Ch 5. The concluding chapter was a lot of repeating things from the rest of the book, and I felt myself skimming this. I did like at the end, the author listed a bibliography with her commentary about each. I probably learned as much about parenting as I did about teaching.

I bought the book used and discovered at the end that it is a signed copy! That’s cool!

[Anya Gupta · Rating 5 out of 5]

critical topic. insightful narratives

Great book. We’ll take our preschooler with us for her upcoming parent teacher meeting and try to persuade our school to encourage this for everyone.

[Mary Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely some good insights, but I found it sooo hard to get through this book. There were so many annecdotes and not enough conclusions drawn for me.

[Callie McElroy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I also read this for school, so I thought I would add it. It was a good book about parent-teacher connection to benefit students.

[Greta Grimm]

Summer of 2018 Stanley staff book discussion.

[Taylor🦋🪐 Alderman · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was on, but seemed a bit repetitive.

[Bridget · Rating 1 out of 5]

So far I'm not enjoying this. The author polled ten teachers - all female - for the basis of the book. It isn't an unbiased collection. Since she is addressing the communication that exists between teachers and parents, I would have liked to read excerpts from parents as well. The only parental view she brings to the book is her own, which invalidates the entire premise of the book. Plus, the author is a social scientist, which absolutely makes her an expert on how teachers and parents should communicate. Give me a break. Give me something real that I can work with.

The author presents some interesting ideas to improve parent-teacher communication. I do plan on adapting and implementing some of them next year.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the idea that parents and teachers need to communicate better. I also liked several of the annecdotes that illustrated the point. However, I also felt that the point was made relatively quickly and not quite so many pages were necessary to make the argument. I also felt a little alienated by the chapter about mothering and teaching - that good teachers only became that way once they had children. I believe I have had several good teachers who were not mothers (including lots of men) and the chapter was difficult to swallow.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good food for thought which ended even better than I thought it would because it affirmed that us Special Education teachers consistently and unconsciously do is wildly important for all students: capitalize on strengths and identify and work on needs. Gave me a few concrete ideas that i would like to try in a classroom as well as something to ponder as the years go by: can a teacher who is not a mother ever truly empathize with her students? I always thought yes, but this book got me thinking...watch out!

[Victoria Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

If this book isn't part of teacher's education materials across this country, it should be! It is an easy to read book that not only makes its points about parent-teacher "conferences" but is written in such a style as to allow existing teachers to reflect, self-assess, and improve their interactions with, and relationships to, the parents of their students.

The stories Dr. Lawrence-Lightfoot tells of her actual observations and interviews with a variety of teachers will entertain, make you laugh, and made me cry. I wanted to, just once, have that essential conversation.

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this. It's not a quick read, nor a light one, but well-written and thought-provoking. As a parent, I felt like I recognized, "Yes! That IS what I look for in a teacher!" and as a teacher it made me determined to be ever-conscious of how I can improve my relationship with my students and their parents. I found Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot's qualitative, anecdotal approach a good fit for the topic -- it kept my interest and reflected that a good teacher can't be defined through quantitative analysis.

[Torsten Schwarz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lawrence-Lightfoot provides a great deal of insight into patent-teacher communication, reasons why it often is unsuccessful, and how to establish effective, child-centered communicative practices with parents. As a male teacher, I found that the text's main weaknesses are that the author only provides insight from female teachers, and most of Lawrence-Lightfoot's anecdotes are drawn almost exclusively from teachers' experiences working in elite primary and secondary institutions.

[Maura · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a little dated at this point. Email communication between parents and teaches is a novel (and not yet) widely embraced development. It also wasn't the book I had hoped for: practical advice on having a decent parent teacher conference.

However, it was an excellent overview and set of insights into how a group of master teachers approached parent communication.

[Amy Gonzalez · Rating 3 out of 5]

An important book about empathy and trust being essential to having productive dialogues between parents and teachers. Very wordy though, and I agree with other reviewers who said it could have been shorter.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is for people who really like to read about parent-teacher conferences, so much so that they will read a book that is only about parent-teacher conferences.

[Dominique · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book takes you through the do's and dont's of having an effective parent conference. Good book, not a great read.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good read for new teachers. It really puts parent/teacher relationships into perspective.

[Burnt]

still reading. this book is making me more nervous than i used to be about parent teacher conversations. cripes.

[Jonna Higgins-Freese · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've tried to read this twice and it's so raw and close to the bone that I can't.

[Claire Aiken · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book outlined the often confusing relationship between parents and teachers.

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book that all teachers should read (especially before parent-teacher conferences). I would even recommend it to parents!

[Ilib4kids]

371.192 LAW

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting but you hVe to dig to find practical information. Missing the perspective of a mLe teacher-- all were female.