SPOILERS
"There are some things we do because we convince ourselves it would be better for everyone involved. We tell ourselves that it's the right thing to do, the altruistic thing to do. It's far easier than telling ourselves the truth."
When Sara Fitzgerald discovers that her daughter Kate suffers from leukemia, she decides that she will fight for her child’s life at all cost. Even if that cost is someone else’s life. And this is how Anna is born. The girl who has never belonged to herself, whose light has been smothered before having even touched the surface of her existence.
"But ever since then, we've been too busy looking over our shoulders to run headlong into growing up. You know how most little kids think they're like cartoon characters - if an anvil drops on their heads they can peel themselves off the sidewalk and keep going? Well, I never once believed that. How could I, when we practically set a place for Death at the dinner table?"
I believe it is everyone’s duty and right to help others. I believe it is everyone’s duty and right to help themselves. As a former lawyer, Sara sometimes doubts her decision to give up her career in the name of the family. She struggles with it. She does not have doubts whatsoever where her two daughters are concerned and about the role each of them needs to play in the other’s life. But when doubts go away, do we stop fighting? Sara keeps struggling. Even though she is confident in her choice. Does pain go away along with doubts? Not always. Sometimes it is exactly when we know that we are right that the pain is the strongest. When Anna files a lawsuit against her parents, wanting a medical emancipation, she has no doubt that her daughter is in the wrong, that she wants to escape her responsibility to keep the family together by keeping her sister alive. When we cannot save those we are responsible for, do we have the right to bestow this responsibility on someone else and expect them to act as we would? Even Anna herself cannot give us the response. She is not confident in her choices, because, really, she is faced with an impossible situation.
"If you have a sister and she dies, do you stop saying you have one? Or are you always a sister, even when the other half of the equation is gone?...I didn't come to see her because it would make me feel better. I came because without her, it's hard to remember who I am."
She does not accept being her sister’s guardian and not having a life of her own, she does not accept being independent and thus dooming her sister to death. Sometimes there is no right choice, there is not a happy ending, there are no heroes and villains. Only doubts. There is no right path for Anna. No matter what she chooses, she cannot live with it, she cannot be happy, she cannot forgive herself. Dying physically is only one form of dying. Some of us die constantly, through the choices we –and others - get or don’t get to make. Through the many ifs and maybes and missed or wrongly chosen opportunities we face. Anna’s life is not her own, regardless of what choice she makes. For her it is over before having even begun. I know next to nothing about genetic engineering, but Anna’s story shows me that there is only so much we have the right to ask of another person. There is only so much we have the right to create. I do believe in the noble motives of Sara Fitzgerald, but I do not believe in the validity of her choice. She decides to create a child with the intent to sacrifice it for the other one’s sake. All her love and care for Anna do not make up for that. Anna does not know where her place is, she feels like there isn’t really a place for her. And the universe seems to agree with her. She never gets to make the choice she so dreads of. At the time she finally receives her much craved freedom, she leaves this world. The child that never had to exist stops existing. There is no more struggle, no more dilemmas. It is over.
"There are orphans and widows, but there is no word for the parent who loses a child. It turns out that after all these years I have spent anticipating this, I am completely at loss. Like coloring the sky in with a crayon; there is no language for grief this big. I wait for a change. And then I feel it, as her heart stops beating beneath my palm - that tiny loss of rhythm, that hollow calm, that utter loss."
Through what Kate receives from her body after Anna is gone, a medical miracle happens and she seems to have gotten recovered from her disease. There are no more relapses. Doctors cannot explain it, but Kate believes that it is because Anna’s death makes up for her own. But what life will Kate have from now on? Will she be able to handle the cost at which she has it?
When I start to feel this way I go into the bathroom and I lift up my shirt and touch the white lines of my scar. I remember how, at first, I thought the stitches seemed to spell out her name. I think about her kidney working inside me and her blood running through my veins. I take her with me, wherever I go.
When we offer somebody a gift, especially the gift of life, we do not always realize or want to realize what we offer them along with it. Do I believe that it was better for Anna to die than to have to live dealing with the consequences of how she was brought to this world? No. Do I believe she should have been born at all? The answer again is no. Kate keeps on living, but with feeling that she cheated death, that she lives somebody else’s life, bearing within herself the same feeling of wrongness her sister struggles with while alive. I do not believe that our survival and the one of those we love is worth all cost. I do not believe in Sara’s choice. After all is said and done, she still ends up with a dead child and those she is left with are scarred for life. But I do not blame her for it. I understand her and I feel for her. I think that it is understandable why someone in her situation cannot see things the way I describe them. It is understandable why she cannot fathom the consequences and the price that comes with her choices.
"It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you."
We are all told all the time how important it is to do the right thing. Sometimes the right thing is too much to ask for. Often right and wrong are not even part of the equation. In a battle in which there are no winners, where there is no right and wrong, where all you can count on are your instincts, hoping that they are there for a reason, that they mean something, that in the end they are worth more than any moral that chains you when you are desperately trying to break free and take a step, any step that may turn the wheel, break the glass, chase away the shadow, bring back the pulse in your body, you know better than to hope that you will keep your hands clean. All you have is the hope that when the battle is over, you will have the strength to pick up the bodies and bury them.
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