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Flogged into Soggy Mansex by the Flying Spaghetti Monster
In the proud tradition of "A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay" and "Taken by the T-Rex," a secular holiday story from Brad Vance!
Campbell is home for the holidays in dreary Dustbin, Texas. Even a good parking spot is a freakin’ “Christmas Miracle” to his family, and his secular gay ass is dying to get away from it all. Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears, and spirits him off for a long session of hot spaghetti and meatballs sexin’. But the FSM has a Hidden Agenda! He doesn’t just want Campbell’s body – His Noodliness needs Campbell’s help to perform the Ultimate Holiday Miracle!
Campbell is home for the holidays in dreary Dustbin, Texas. Even a good parking spot is a freakin’ “Christmas Miracle” to his family, and his secular gay ass is dying to get away from it all. Then the Flying Spaghetti Monster appears, and spirits him off for a long session of hot spaghetti and meatballs sexin’. But the FSM has a Hidden Agenda! He doesn’t just want Campbell’s body – His Noodliness needs Campbell’s help to perform the Ultimate Holiday Miracle!
25 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 24, 2014
1 person is currently reading
22 people want to read
About the author
Brad Vance
61 books244 followersBrad Vance is the author of over twenty books. He's hard at work on the sequel to Stabitha. Keep up with Brad at BradVanceAuthor.com, or email him at BradVanceAuthor@gmail.com.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
November 26, 2014
Sweet Mother of Christmas Jizzmas!!!
Yeah, this happened. Two words-Noodle Tentacles.
And it's Hee-Haw-larious!
BradVance (one word) has been taunting me with this for a good solid 48 hrs over on FB. At first I thought he was fucking with me. Oh no, he said. If the Nazis at Amazon approved it he was good to go. Earlier today I heard the mating call over the interwebs, otherwise known as being tagged, and bought this sucker so fast it made my debit card squeak. Boy, am I glad I did.
Sorta tentacle holidayporn story with a flying spaghetti monster (FSM) for only 99¢?
Let me tell you about this little meatball right here. <--see what I did there? FSM has a serious mission to perform for his people, the Pastafarians, and he needs Campbell's help. FSM is going up against the Texas Board of Education.
Good luck with that deal, FSM. *cringe* Why does he need to enlist Campbell, you ask? Who the fuck knows. Stop asking inane questions. Just go with it.
Where's the porn, you ask? Keep your shirt on! Sheesh.
FSM is a busy omniscient being but even omniscient beings need to let off a little steam periodically. The holidays are stressful. All work and no play makes for a frustrated FSM. Can't have that. Did I mention that FSM is a little… ahem, kinky?
"Look at me," He laughed. "Do I look like vanilla sex to you?"
I'm fairly certain I'll never look at bucatini the same way again. Or spaghetti sauce for that matter.
*slow clap, BradVance, slow clap*
Seriously, I haven't chuckled this hard in quite some time.
Only available for a limited folks. Don't let this one pass you by.
Yeah, this happened. Two words-Noodle Tentacles.
And it's Hee-Haw-larious!
BradVance (one word) has been taunting me with this for a good solid 48 hrs over on FB. At first I thought he was fucking with me. Oh no, he said. If the Nazis at Amazon approved it he was good to go. Earlier today I heard the mating call over the interwebs, otherwise known as being tagged, and bought this sucker so fast it made my debit card squeak. Boy, am I glad I did.
Sorta tentacle holiday
Let me tell you about this little meatball right here. <--see what I did there? FSM has a serious mission to perform for his people, the Pastafarians, and he needs Campbell's help. FSM is going up against the Texas Board of Education.
Good luck with that deal, FSM. *cringe* Why does he need to enlist Campbell, you ask? Who the fuck knows. Stop asking inane questions. Just go with it.
Where's the porn, you ask? Keep your shirt on! Sheesh.
FSM is a busy omniscient being but even omniscient beings need to let off a little steam periodically. The holidays are stressful. All work and no play makes for a frustrated FSM. Can't have that. Did I mention that FSM is a little… ahem, kinky?
"Look at me," He laughed. "Do I look like vanilla sex to you?"
I'm fairly certain I'll never look at bucatini the same way again. Or spaghetti sauce for that matter.
*slow clap, BradVance, slow clap*
Seriously, I haven't chuckled this hard in quite some time.
Only available for a limited folks. Don't let this one pass you by.
November 30, 2014
"He was warm, so warm and fresh. His noodly appendages embraced me in return, and I couldn’t help but notice how firm they were, just…al dente.
I felt the strangest thing then. A stirring of desire. His meatballs were so firm and juicy, like, you know. Well, shit, any pair of body parts that turn you on, all in one. I could feel the firm, incredibly large bucatini between His…legs for a lack of a better word. I started getting an erection."
Campbell, our horny protagonist (also shares his name with the popular soup brand, coincidence??), got an erection for this:
The Spaghetti Flying Monster.
And the Pasta Monster Deity...performs anal on a human man.
This author takes gay erotica and pasta to merge them into one weird as fuck PWP with Santa jism sprinkled on top.
For reals.
If you ever looked at a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and thought...hmm I wonder how it'd be if I fucked that, you get your wish in this story.
A main issue I have with a lot of PWP: when you try to tie in smarts into a PWP.
It's PORN WITHOUT PLOT. Very rarely can political arguments or views on religion work when the reader wants to fucking stroke one out.
Do you really think someone wants to have their cock out and wonder about the Texas school system?
You can make all the valid points you want.
But a guy got gay sexed in the butt by pasta. He got spaghetti sauced jizzed by spaghetti noodles.
That trumps EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't get that out the brain. It stays. Horny, anal loving noodles beats any political argument you want to make.
This is 2.5 stars but I had a couple of chuckles out of it.
Oh and the pasta sex.
A board filled with smutty possibilities or dinner?
I felt the strangest thing then. A stirring of desire. His meatballs were so firm and juicy, like, you know. Well, shit, any pair of body parts that turn you on, all in one. I could feel the firm, incredibly large bucatini between His…legs for a lack of a better word. I started getting an erection."
Campbell, our horny protagonist (also shares his name with the popular soup brand, coincidence??), got an erection for this:
The Spaghetti Flying Monster.
And the Pasta Monster Deity...performs anal on a human man.
This author takes gay erotica and pasta to merge them into one weird as fuck PWP with Santa jism sprinkled on top.
For reals.
If you ever looked at a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and thought...hmm I wonder how it'd be if I fucked that, you get your wish in this story.
A main issue I have with a lot of PWP: when you try to tie in smarts into a PWP.
It's PORN WITHOUT PLOT. Very rarely can political arguments or views on religion work when the reader wants to fucking stroke one out.
Do you really think someone wants to have their cock out and wonder about the Texas school system?
You can make all the valid points you want.
But a guy got gay sexed in the butt by pasta. He got spaghetti sauced jizzed by spaghetti noodles.
That trumps EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! You don't get that out the brain. It stays. Horny, anal loving noodles beats any political argument you want to make.
This is 2.5 stars but I had a couple of chuckles out of it.
Oh and the pasta sex.
A board filled with smutty possibilities or dinner?
December 8, 2014
I was expecting a really hilarious story here and I didn't get that. I really didn't get the point of the story but I did like the grandma and her cussing. I was shocked when the story ended at 53%.
I should have known this would suck spaghetti meatballs with a title like this.
I should have known this would suck spaghetti meatballs with a title like this.
November 26, 2014
There are no words...I have been touched by His noodly appendage.
April 7, 2015
Hmmm....where to start...i don't even know, because i'm not sure what I just read.
I'm glad it was a short read. Not sure if I could have taken much more of it.
2.5 stars.
I'm glad it was a short read. Not sure if I could have taken much more of it.
2.5 stars.
September 23, 2015
I have...I mean...when I...
It was exactly what it was supposed to be...and I have no other words to describe it.
You know what pissed me off though? Buying something and having it end at 53% and the other 47% being the flogging of other wares.
I call bullshit.
It was exactly what it was supposed to be...and I have no other words to describe it.
You know what pissed me off though? Buying something and having it end at 53% and the other 47% being the flogging of other wares.
I call bullshit.
November 28, 2014
This was bazaar and it squicked me out a little bit when the . I was expecting it to be a lot more fun.
November 22, 2015
Silly and fun...but I was expecting more.
November 26, 2014
Carbo Diem!
Oh, how I've missed Brad Vance, and his awesomeness! This is a quick (and dirrrrty!) tale of the Great Miracle wrought by His Noodleness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster: to bring science and rational thought back to the dark hinterlands of Texas. To do so, He recruits the seemingly lone sane man at Jumbo Mart; him being gay and from New York makes him that much more fabulous! And His Noodleness will thank this Pastafarian in the most intimate, and satisfying, way...
Get this quick; this is in limited release for the holidays, and you don't want this to pass you by! And, perhaps, this is the beginning of a deluge of new writing from this author! (HINT HINT: Where is Rob the Daemon III?!)
Oh, how I've missed Brad Vance, and his awesomeness! This is a quick (and dirrrrty!) tale of the Great Miracle wrought by His Noodleness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster: to bring science and rational thought back to the dark hinterlands of Texas. To do so, He recruits the seemingly lone sane man at Jumbo Mart; him being gay and from New York makes him that much more fabulous! And His Noodleness will thank this Pastafarian in the most intimate, and satisfying, way...
Get this quick; this is in limited release for the holidays, and you don't want this to pass you by! And, perhaps, this is the beginning of a deluge of new writing from this author! (HINT HINT: Where is Rob the Daemon III?!)
November 25, 2014
Oh. This is not Grandma's Christmas Story.
This is not for the masses.
But if you're a bit irreverent, a bit jaded, a bit overwhelmed by the fundamentalists bleating about "the war on christmas" and blah blah blah...
This one is for you.
I laughed until I cried. Then I cried that it was over. (ok, the last is a little bit of an exaggeration, but I WANTED to cry I tell you!!!)
This is not for the masses.
But if you're a bit irreverent, a bit jaded, a bit overwhelmed by the fundamentalists bleating about "the war on christmas" and blah blah blah...
This one is for you.
I laughed until I cried. Then I cried that it was over. (ok, the last is a little bit of an exaggeration, but I WANTED to cry I tell you!!!)
November 21, 2015
Do not mistake this for another of Chuck Tingle's surrealistic stories. Yes, this is silly and the erotica is oddly arousing but Brad Vance takes the time to create characters that have life. And he has a plot that makes sense and ties into Pastafarian philosophy.
My secular holiday season has been started in a wonderful way with this story.
My secular holiday season has been started in a wonderful way with this story.
December 19, 2015
Pretty funny
A short funny tale about a swearing grandma an atheist grandson and a fundamentalist aunt. What do you get when you believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Read and you'll never look at pasta the same again.
A short funny tale about a swearing grandma an atheist grandson and a fundamentalist aunt. What do you get when you believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Read and you'll never look at pasta the same again.
December 4, 2014
Oh wow. This was just all kinds of weird and wacky. PWP, laughed my ass off, but.. Umm.. Yeah. Spaghetti sex. Nuff said.
April 18, 2015
It was silly, but it made me laugh.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews