Parenting Teens With Love And Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood, Updated and Expanded Edition

by Foster W. Cline, Jim Fay

Parents need help to teach their teens how to make decisions responsibly―and do so without going crazy or damaging the relationship.

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic, from the duo who wrote Parenting with Love and Logic, empowers parents with the skills necessary to set limits, teach important skills, and encourage decision-making in their teenagers.

Covering a wide range of real-life issues teens face―including divorce, ADD, addiction, and sex―this book gives you the tools to help your teens find their identity and grow in maturity. Indexed for easy reference.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Family, Education, Relationships, Reference

320 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1992

Reviews

[Kirsten (lush.lit.life) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am of two minds about this book and the approach. On one hand many of the principles are sound and have given me a calm framework for working through common issues with my teens. It is also a reminder that adolescence is a time to start granting your child greater autonomy. I do feel that the degree to which a parent can do that depends a lot on the child - and when the child betrays certain trusts sometimes they have to have some freedoms temporarily reduced. The options presented in the book seemed too drastic sometimes - leave your child to themselves for the most part but then offer them the option of living on the streets (p.173) for example. But the idea of open dialogue re: issues is useful - freedom in action (for the most part) but always with discussion. Encouraging kids to take ownership of education, etc. All good thoughts.

Where this book really stopped working for me was in the examples and sample conversations. Some are just ridiculous and hokey. I would be disappointed in my child if they could not see through such transparent conversational manipulations. It might make life easier, but I would wonder what was wrong with my child that they could be so easily manipulated.

Even worse, in a sample conversation presented as "real" a mother discusses the dangers of early promiscuity with her daughter (p. 123) " Mom: When young girls have sex early, the darn bugs have a lot more time to gnaw away at the cervix...they can make it pretty ragged you know...[later on] the sperm have a real challenge..it gets too crowded with bugs and scar tissue...."I agree that there are real dangers to early promiscuity but if your child is mature enough to be having this conversation you ought to use science based evidence and REAL terms.

Later (because this bizarre conversation was so effective) these same parents receive a letter from a college health professional complimenting them on their sexually pure daughter. I cannot believe that letter is for real and, if so, I feel it violates a number of health ethics codes- especially patient confidentiality.

My biggest WTF moment (and really, I have WTF written in the margins several times throughout) came on pg. 245. This is a sample conversation of a mother cautioning her daughter in a smooth and calm way re: the potential dangers of chat rooms. As the mother has, with love and logic, brought her daughter around to seeing the dangers she adds: "That's a wise decision. (then, with a laugh) I'd be pretty broken up if you were raped and cut up."

WTF?!?! Really, my head exploded when I read that. When would it ever be appropriate to toss off a comment about rape and dismemberment with a cute little chuckle? NEVER! NEVER FREAKING EVER! That comment tossed off lightly would ALWAYS be WRONG. I have never been moved to write a letter to the author's of a parenting book in protest, but I am tempted now. The edition I am reading is 2006, I can only hope that someone caught that ERROR and has corrected it in subsequent editions. I keep telling myself that maybe I am over-reacting but NO I AM NOT. I am just pretty doggone sure that in any context that pretend mother is WRONG.

So there is my conflict in rating the book, some very useful information and ideas - will generate some great discussion between myself and my spouse as well as between us and our teens, but the authors can keep their sample conversations because I have more respect for my kids than to use false and/or misrepresented horrors presented in an eerily calm fashion to manipulate them (as if i could) - if I tried it I know my kids and they would choose living on the street over listening to these dialogues. And I could hardly blame them.

[Another · Rating 2 out of 5]

Short on love. At various points it advocates throwing out teens because helping them might cost a lot of money, and telling your daughter you'd be bummed if she was raped and cut up because she got involved with a weirdo in a chat room. Craziness!

I also don't care for their religious views. I wish books that use a Christian or bible based philosophy would state that on the cover. The bible is not a good basis for parenting, in my opinion. So, that makes this a bit short on logic too.

I think the stuff about throwing out teens, etc. comes directly from christian beliefs about how God (seen as a parental figure) treats "sinners" (damnation, punishment, etc). This is not my belief system, so I can't justify using it as a basis for parenting.

The stuff about sex was also quite religion based, which stands in the way of healthy, normal discussion with teens about sexuality. There is a section in the book about a mom talking with a 15 year old about why early sex is bad, it's all about "the darn bugs have a lot more time to gnaw away at the cervix of the uterus; they can make it pretty ragged", it's just ludicrous. How about a discussion that's age appropriate and factual? Fifteen year olds can handle a lot of information about sex that's specific and scientific. How about "we think it's healthier to avoid sex until marriage (or whatever) because you are safe from pregnancy, stds, emotional problems, etc." and actual scientifically accurate info, like birth control effectiveness, std statistics, etc.? Scary talk about "the darn bugs" is plain idiotic.

I like the idea of preparing teens for responsibility, but I'm not sure this is the best approach.

There is nothing here for parents of teens with big problems, except the advice to "seek counseling". (I recommend "The Explosive Child" for parents of kids with anger problems or depression.)

[Lori · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reader: "I can see that you really wanted to write a good book that helped parents with their teenagers. Man, that's a tough job. How do you think you did?"

Foster: "Gee Reader, I thought I did a swell job. I put a lot of effort into this and really did my best."

Reader: "I'm sure you did and I'm proud of you. But did you really take the time to read and update what you had to say? Is it possible that you got so enthralled with what it is that you usually say to parents that you perhaps didn't listen to yourself and your message? Do you want to know what some people might do?"

Foster: "Gosh Reader, I do. I have important things to say and I have years of experience helping kids who get into drinking and drugging."

Reader: "Yeah, about that 'drugging' thing...we don't say that, Foster."

Foster: "But I thought I was being hip to the lingo."

Reader: "I love you too much to argue, Foster."

Foster: "So how can I make this book better?"

Reader: "Well, some people might get an editor that's not afraid to say things you don't want to hear, like your terminology is outdated, that the extremes of situations are unnecessary (seriously...'cut up and raped?') and that you repeat yourself and that the dialogue sounds like a 'Leave it to Beaver' episode acted out with sock puppets instead of real people. And maybe what you think is empathy is actually more like condescension and won't be received with a 'Gee shucks, dad. You're right' kind of response."

Foster: "Wow Reader. I never thought of it like that. You're right. I love you Reader."

Reader: "I love you too Foster."


So basically, I'm so disappointed by this book because I usually love all the 'Love and Logic' teachings. They say everybody has a book in them, but some people really just have a bullet-pointed brochure. I could condense this book into that brochure and cut his 'pearls of wisdom' from a list of 36 to a Top Ten Pearls. I could also eliminate a lot of chapters, because let's face it, if you have a kid who has gone to the extreme of ANY parental nightmare (cults, gangs, runaway etc.) the LAST thing you do is pick up some sort of self-help book titled "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic." Seriously. Dial 9-1-1. Be that as it may, a reader may glean from these pages little helpful tidbits to hone their parenting styles and stay calm in the storm that is the teenage years, but I spent far too much time talking back to this book and being a sassy parent. I accept my consequences.

[Morgan · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has many 5 star reviews and I honestly cannot figure out why. It opens with a story about a woman tricking her son into thinking he’s going to jail and tells the officer to put him in with pedophiles and sex abusers. That isn’t loving or logical, and I almost put the book down right then. Since I have several friends who love this book, I decided to keep reading.

The overall ideas such as not yelling, natural consequences, and giving teens responsibility make sense. But they don’t encourage building a strong relationship as a backbone to this, and they give many horrible examples and bad advice.

They encourage throwing a 15 year old out on the street, and then encourage putting your kids on the streets or threatening to several times throughout the book. The things they say to the kids do not sound loving, such as “it’s an irritation to be around you”, and the conversations in general are so fake and forced and will not go like that in real life. So what will you say when your kid doesn’t happily comply after you tell them they’re gonna live on the streets?

Instead of teaching basic human decency, like we should have compassion for each other in this house and do things for each other, they say “well I pay the mortgage so you have to do this.”

Some specific issues I had were the abstinence based stance they took, telling kids they will become infertile if they have sex too early, supposedly a random doctor wrote to this woman and congratulated her on her daughter being a virgin??? They say it’s okay to say to a gay child “I hope you will live a heterosexual life” and say that is still accepting them. They suggest kicking kids out or calling the police on them (and in my opinion that does not take into account that police encounters can be dangerous or the fact that they now have a record that is hard to bounce back from particularly for non-white people). They praised someone who left their kids alone because they were annoying her and made them figure out and pay on their own for a taxi. They say “cocaine is distributed to kids in almost every elementary school” ???! They tell a girl she will be raped and cut up and another girl she’ll be beat up and raped. I do encourage talking about risks with kids, but the way they do it is not at all with love. Parents have an obligation to feed their children, even if they spend all their allowance, and we shouldn’t say “you can get food out of the fridge when you pay for it” when they know the child has no money.

This book had no love or logic in my opinion and I can’t understand how it has been so praised.

[ChapterOne · Rating 5 out of 5]

There will come a point in time when “Because I said so” is no longer going to work. Your children will still love you – but they will no longer accept your value systems JUST because they love you. And in a few short years, they will walk out that door. Yes, you have been a good parent and “provided” for them all along. But have you “prepared” them for the rest of their lives? That’s the question this book makes you think about.

The title sounds cheesy, and the cover looks cheesy, yes. But I did really feel like the book was beneficial and I came away with armed with a few really good tips.

The focus of the book is on preparing your teenagers to be responsible adults by teaching them about making choices and about consequences. The two main tips that I am going to take away with me are -

• Give them lots of practice in decision making. Don’t dictate. Offer choices. Don’t make the decisions for them.

• If they make the wrong decisions, don’t punish them. Let them face the consequences. Punishment breeds resentment. Consequences result in lessons learned.

I didn’t go gaga over every single thing in this book, but much of it DID make sense. I think I’ll check out the other love and logic books too.

[T Adams · Rating 2 out of 5]

Good points: (which parents will hopefully already know)
1. Be consistent
2. Hold your teens responsible
3. Let natural consequences happen so your teen can learn from their mistakes

Things I also agree with:
1. Allowances are not related to doing chores
2. Negotiate curfews by occasion
3. Grounding is not really effective, especially if done repetitively

Reasons I won't recommend this book:
p. 64 - authors misrepresent and then slam the well-proven theory of positive reinforcement (which is not handing out fake complements, as they claim)
p. 86 - "and spring it on them" - the author's advice for blindsiding your teenager with your new found discipline techniques (where is the love or logic here?)
p. 105 - "don't trust your intuition" - never sound advice to anyone
p. 158 - authors tout their new concept of "no punishments" - and recommend instead "hurting from the inside out" (which as they go on to describe by definition ARE punishments/ consequences - which any teenager will see through, no matter what you choose to call it.)

The "and spring it on them" represents what I felt was the overwhelming undertone of their theory - a getting the better of your teenager.

[Cindy Jackson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm suprised that this book got so many 4-5 star ratings. I completely disagreed with many of the principles this book teaches. What I got from this book is this: let your teenagers make their own decisions and live with the consequences, that will teach them responsibility. Hello! Isn't that what adulthood is? I quit reading when I got to this part: Three Messages for Teenagers 1. I love you. 2. If you have any questions, ask. 3. Good luck in life. Good luck? I don't think so. Teenagers should be allowed to make their own decisions about some things, but there is still a lot to teach them between the ages of 12 and 18, before they are ready to go out into the world with nothing more than a "good luck" from their parents. I just think this books philosophy is a little harsh and just doesn't feel right to me as a parent.

[Bobby-Kimberly Beason · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was pretty good. Not sure if its just dated, but some of the examples were so extreme that I laughed out loud! I.E.: telling your daughter she better take care if her braces/teeth or no boy will ever kiss her snaggle toothed face! Lol The basic principles were solid and has helped me ask myself what is a logical consequence for bad behavior that better prepares teens for adulthood? I feel like this book is more appropriate for parenting older teens and even young adults who are still living in the home. Using only love and logic with this very "hands off" approach for younger teens is definitely not my style. I appreciate the more gradual release of responsibility. Interesting read.

[Kristy · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were good principles in this book. There were areas that I definitely need to improve on. I do think this book is far too extreme. Letting your children learn to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences is a sound principle. Leaving them stranded somewhere to teach a lesson is extreme. Having open communication with your children is a sound principle. Telling them they might get raped and chopped up if they give out information in a chat room is extreme.

Another thing I didn't like is the way the book modeled conversations with your teen. The conversations sounded like a therapist talking with a client. I would never want to sound that way with my kids. It did not sound loving at all.

The last thing I didn't like about the book is that they did not give allowances for kids with chemical imbalances. That really does affect their decision process.

Overall, there were some good take aways. I wouldn't use this book as my bible though.

[Peggy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had heard a lot about the Love and Logic method, but had never read any of the books. Since my two are teens, I decided to give this a try. While I did find myself agreeing with a lot of what the authors had to say about teens learning to make their own decisions (with guidance of parents, but in a way as not to be a dictator or helicopter parent) I found the examples of sample dialogue absolutely laughable. I can't see any teen talking to their parents that way. From my experience most teens DON'T want to talk to their parents and herein lies the problem with the love and logic method -- it involves adult-like conversations with kids who don't want to talk. So good luck. Nice theory in concept, but if your kids are like mine, this will be a hard parenting technique to implement, or at least in the way they describe. I guess they need a follow up book - how to use love and logic with kids who don't want to talk to you.

I also found their examples somewhat shocking, and maybe that's why I didn't find the book very useful. A lot of the examples of bad teen behaviors are way beyond what I've experienced with my kids. Some of the examples of teens talking back to their parents were positively unbelievable. Maybe I'm living in a sheltered world, but I don't see many kids where I live talking to their parents in this manner. And if your kids is one that talks this way, I'm not sure love and logic is going to work, as it's too late. Just my two cents.

[Stephanie Sabo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ugh. This was rough. I liked the L&L early childhood, and Parenting with Love and Logic was just okay. This one is obviously dated. Originally published in 1992, though I read the most recent revision (2020), it felt very 90's to me, with a couple of updates slapped on which felt like bandaids rather than an adequate revision. While I agreed with a lot of responses to behavior, I mostly felt annoyed by the implication that teens are inherently spiteful and manipulative and a problem faultless parents just need to get crafty with until their teens leave the nest. I do not think that you get teens who are disrespectful, irresponsible, and risky (drugs, alcohol, sex) without a problematic parent/child relationship of some kind. If not outright trauma. I think the problem with this book is its lack of focus on relationship between parents and teens. It's not so much proactive as reactive. Maybe that is its intent. But, I really believe you'll get much further by building relationships rather than reaction plans.

[Brenda · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were some good ideas in this book, but they were completely outweighed by the extremely hokey sample conversations. Not only that, some of the sample conversations were just downright offensive. Also, some of the ideas had no logical follow-through. Such as if you make a deal, or negotiate, with your teen and they don't hold up their end of the bargain, then what? Since you're not supposed to punish your teen, I'm not exactly sure what you are supposed to do. Throw them out on the street? (That was actually mentioned a few times throughout, which, no)

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

This books takes a load off the helicopter parent who thinks he should swoop down anytime anything happens to their child. An excellent book for new parents or parents of those little ones who are entering their teen years.

[Dawna · Rating 5 out of 5]

OK I know I don't have any teens. I was reading it for my sister who DOES have teens, and I loved the concept so much that my husband is at the library RIGHT NOW picking up the Love and Logic book for younger kids. Can't wait to read it.

[Mica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great principles. Common sense advice and good examples for how to work with teens/youth. I need to read the one for kids, but the same principles apply I'm sure, it's just giving them different freedoms and choices. Love this theory.

[Dawn Wynn · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the mother of four children, I highly recommend this book. Although I'm an avid reader, I unfortunately did not find this book until my third child was 17. It has been a life changer for our family. Whenever I am talking "kids" with people, I reference this book.

[Natalie Kemp · Rating 2 out of 5]

There’s too much wrong with this book to go into every detail. I read this book for a middle school book club. Extremely dated. Boomers are going to be boomers, and that’s basically the gist of this book. I do not recommend this book. There were some important topics covered, and instead of giving some real advice, the situational example would swing to some extreme of leave your kid in jail, let them live on the street, tell them to smoke outside, etc. Very dated and hokey conversation examples. I read love & logic book for my toddler, & I don’t remember it being this terrible.

Outdated:
P. 241: Learn about your kid’s taste in music by reading the newspaper and watching TV
-nope! Unless you want to look like a grandpa.

Commenting on kid’s appearances:
“Fang face”
“Fred was always an ugly kid.”

Weird:
-Dads might start feeling in competition with their sons for mom’s attention when their sons start puberty

Jobs:
That was some very strange advice. It was basically don’t get a job because kids these days just get jobs to purchase nice things. Not save up for college or their expenses. 🤦🏻‍♀️

One good nugget:
I like the advice on giving your teen a car. They need to save up the deductible amount (ex: $500) before they can get a car. And 100% do not buy them a nice car.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read the original Love and Logic book many years ago when my older kids were younger; I found it enlightening. Now that I have a teenager, this book was recommended as a refresher. There are some great reminders in there; specifically I appreciated the reminders to
1) turn more control over to my kids as they grow up
2) react calmly, with empathy and not anger
3) allow real consequences to follow their actions rather than imposing non-related punishments
It was valuable for these and other reminders and insights, definitely.
I could have done without the last half of the book, the 39 "Pearls" that give practical application examples on a variety of topics. A lot of the conversations in the book are cheesy, but the pearl conversations take the cake on unrealistic. Some of them are outdated, some are repetitive.
So I would recommend this book, but only for sections one and two - forget the pearls. :)

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the writing is not superb, I am giving this book four stars because I have begun using some of the techniques with success. Parenting teenagers is difficult and I tend to get emotional. I appreciate that this book helps one keep perspective on the natural course of events that leads toward independence and adulthood and provides language that allows the parent-child relationship to flourish at this time of transition.

[Keilani Ludlow · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. I started implementing a lot of the "mannerisms" for lack of a better word right away and I saw a difference right away. I wasn't having lots of problems with my kids anyway, but hey, forewarned is forearmed, and good-enough really isn't good-enough, I want great! I am buying the book and will review it often. The first half goes through how to implement teaching kids through love and logic, what to do and how to do it and why to do it that way, with lots of actual case-study examples. I've read lots of "educate myself" books and he has a very good style that keeps you interested instead of putting you to sleep. The second half of the book consists of "pearls" which are all specific categories, anger, violence, drinking, grades, allowance, etc. with examples of how to handle different situations. Again, I read it from the standpoint of a parent who isn't trying to fix my kids or our relationship, but to prepare for the teen years we're going into and to strengthen what we have and to raise kids who are responsible for themselves and their actions.

[Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have six children and half of them are teenagers. The older half. Which means adolescence is fairly new territory and that they are all my guinea pigs. More than anything, I want my parenting to be a positive experience for all of us (translation: as few scars as possible!). This book is exactly what I needed!

This book gave me tools to help settle conflict and conversational guides of gentle words to turn away wrath. High praise indeed!!

Even just summing it up for my husband has aided his parenting.

TIP: The word "bummer" is a great response to a teen request. I tried it myself, and it helped them come up with their own solutions. Read the book for more!!

I highly recommend this book to improve parenting skills and communication with teens. And I will be reading it again soon, to keep the parenting tools fresh.

Good luck! We parents with teens need all the luck we can get. :)

~Valerie Harmon
http://wantstobe.com

[Jen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not really helpful. I read the basic love and logic book so long ago I guess I needed a refresher before I started this one. They don't explain their technique enough. Most of their examples are so extreme that I'm not sure they really apply to more garden-variety teen problems. Though I guess they are designed to make you feel better about your kid? I liked their theory that parents need to turn into more of "consultants" as children age, asking questions and trying to make your children take the responsibility for their own problems. But there's not enough how-to, and I really disagreed with their some of their statements. I'm still looking for a good book about raising tweens/teens, so if anyone has any suggestions, let me know!

[April · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am giving this 2 1/2 stars not because the content was that bad but because I listened to this book on CD and had a very hard time paying attention. The man reading the book had a monotone voice and I found myself zoning out at times. However, I did pick up some good tips on improving communications with tween/ teens by encouraging them to figure out solutions to the problems that their behavior can sometimes cause (instead of figuring it out for them or doling out punishments). This allows teens to feel a sense of independence yet parents can still help provide some boundaries. I also liked the 'Pearls' at the end of the book as they went through different scenarios that can occur during the teenage years.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good advice. I will have to keep this book eternally on my "to read" shelve since I will have to refer to it occasionally. I wish that there was section that said "If your child says/does this....., Here is what you can say/do in response....and here are the results you can expect" Maybe even better, someone could have a section for each type of child personality. Like, "the calm/good child", or "the child who has to test everything for themselves", or "the child who is impulsive", or "the child who is afraid of everything". That would be a good handbook. They could even make it a pocket size handbook so you could pull it out anytime anywhere.

[Stephanie Broyhill · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredibe book. I wish I had read it sooner. Cline explains the necessity of consistency. He discusses the danger of rescuing teens and how doing so threatens their maturity. The book discuses a variey of parenting styles with the pros and cons of each. Part 3, called Parenting Pearls was my favorite part. Practical solutions are offered for issues such as back talk, driving, curfews, dating, parties, internet, grades, money, music, and jobs, just to name a few.

I recommend this book to anyone wih teens (its never too late) and preteens. You won't be sorry.

[Scott Ritchie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Found the book to be mostly vague, unhelpful, out dated, and self promoting. It was written as though you had read some other helpful prequel book and this was just a follow on talking about how great the previous book was. I'll summarize the entire book so you don't have to read it...ask questions, listen to your teens, try to let them experience natural consequences for their words and actions, and take time to think about your response before you say or do something. I don't understand why this book is highly rated.

[Wendy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will have my first teenager in a few months. Before reading this book I felt a little apprehensive about parenting a teen. After reading this book I feel excited and empowered. this book had a lot of common sense suggestions. It made me feel like I am already a good parent and have a lot to look forward to. For me it was the right book at the right time. I do not think it will solve all my problems but I feel much better equipped to face the challenges that await.

[Chad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nothing groundbreaking included in these pages, but the way it is organized helps to make sense of good ideas to help with raising kids. It seems a touch out dated with the all the technology available for kids today, and some of the examples were very extreme, like examples of kids breaking the law and being in jail overnight, but overall I found this book to be helpful with some good ideas that I will try to implement in helping prepare my kids for life.

[Mrs.b · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have heard a lot about this book through the teaching version "Teaching with Love and Logic"...after struggling with some parenting issues, this book really helped me be less angry and involved in the mistakes that my kiddos are working through right now...I have the "teaching" version checked out from the library currently...

[Jess · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt after finishing the book I took 2 helpful tips in the end. This book seems fashioned to religious white people having to deal with the grips of change in their children and the best ways to cope. So if you are a religious white person who is scared of their teenagers this is the book for you!