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206 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1964
What I used to be, was no good for me. But it was from that not-good that I’d organized the best thing of all: hope. From my own flaw I had created a future good. Am I afraid now that my new way of being doesn’t make sense? But why not let myself be carried away by whatever happens? I would have to take the holy risk of chance. And I will substitute fate for probability.
More and more I had nothing to ask for. And I was seeing, with fascination and horror, the pieces of my rotten mummy clothes falling dry to the floor, I was watching my transformation from chrysalis into moist larva, my wings were slowly shrinking back scorched. And a belly entirely new and made for the ground, a new belly was being reborn.
Hell is the mouth that bites and eats the living flesh with its blood, and the one being eaten howls with delight in his eye: hell is pain as delight of the matter, and with the laughter of delight, the tears run in pain. And the tear that comes from the laughter of pain is the opposite of redemption.
A friend in Brazil told me of a young woman in Rio who'd read Clarice Lispector obsessively and was convinced—as I and legions of other Clarice devotees have been—that she and Clarice Lispector would have a life-changing connection if they met in person. She managed to get in touch with the writer, who kindly agreed to meet her. When the young woman arrived, Clarice sat and stared at her and said nothing until the woman finally fled the apartment.
... and I am not understanding whatever it is I'm saying, never! never again shall I understand anything I say. Since how could I speak without the word lying for me? how could I speak except timidly like this: life just is for me. Life just is for me, and I don't understand what I'm saying. And so I adore it.
Δώσ' μου το χέρι σου. Γιατί δεν ξέρω πια για τι πράγμα μιλάω. Νομίζω πως τα επινόησα όλα, τίποτα από αυτά δεν υπήρξε! Αν όμως επινόησα αυτό που μου συνέβη χθες - ποιος μου εγγυάται πως δεν επινόησα επίσης τη ζωή μου ολόκληρη πριν από χθες;
Ψάχνω, ψάχνω. Προσπαθώ να καταλάβω. Προσπαθώ να δώσω σε κάποιον αυτό που έζησα και δεν ξέρω σε ποιον, μα δεν θέλω να μείνω με αυτό που έζησα. Δεν ξέρω τι να το κάνω αυτό που έζησα, φοβάμαι αυτή τη βαθιά αποδιοργάνωση. Δεν εμπιστεύομαι αυτό που μου συνέβη. Να μου συνέβη κάτι που εγώ, μην ξέροντας πώς να το ζήσω, το έζησα σαν κάτι άλλο; Αυτό θα ήθελα να το ονομάσω αποδιοργάνωση, και θα είχα τη σιγουριά να ριψοκινδυνεύσω, γιατί θα ήξερα πού να επιστρέψω μετά: στην προηγούμενη οργάνωση. Προτιμώ να το ονομάσω αποδιοργάνωση γιατί δεν θέλω να αυτοεπιβεβαιωθώ σε ό,τι έζησα - με την αυτοεπιβεβαίωση θα έχανα τον κόσμο όπως τον είχα, και ξέρω πως δεν έχω δυνατότητα για άλλον.