A DNF - I read to p. 98 + the last chapter. I gotta start checking these authors for MFAs before I buy their books bc that degree practically guarantees a hateread at this point, and hatereads are a waste of time. In other words this book’s writing is steady, it’s consistent, it’s like you took a interesting rock and stuck it in one of those rock polishing kits that were super cool in elementary school, and the kit smoothed out all of the imperfections and peculiarities and now you’ve just got a rock that’s identical to all the other rocks you’ve used the kit on! I imagine this book might have been interesting if not for the many other books out there which have already done the exact same thing, usually at about the exact same quality level and focusing the exact same themes.
The concept of this book is alternate universes, which should be an interesting SF-y idea - and yet it’s so monotonous. The plot+prose version of driving on a Midwestern freeway. The “I’m definitely in Iowa Manitoba Kansas Montana one of the Dakotas Saskatchewan or Wyoming” of fiction. Yes, the book’s conceit is that each chapter is another alternate universe, with roughly the same characters, same tone, and same emotional conflicts. This chapter is Wyoming, that chapter is North Dakota, this one is Iowa. Oops, they look pretty much the same, turns out alternate universes with the same boring characters who have the same boring issues are pretty much identical! I for one would have loved to pull into an exit ramp when the MC hit the first of her banal “I was insecure and homophobic in middle school but now I’ve realized I’m queer” depression spirals, but much like a Midwestern freeway the exit ramp would not have helped me much. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave (the prairie).
The charitable interpretation here is that the writing & the alternate universes were *intentionally* bland in order to demonstrate the depressing, flattening monotony of grief. That sort of implies that by the end of the book (which was blurbed on my edition as “hopeful” and “[a]n explosion of creative beauty and heart”) there would be some big shift in tone, style - something! Was there? Well, the very last page had a few lines that purposefully ended without punctuation, to show that the MC is living in the moment, finding human connection, no longer hemmed in by her grief……. florals for spring, in other words. Groundbreaking.
Yeah, look, at p. 98 I decided the book wasn’t going to be worth sticking with it, so I flipped to the end and read the last chapter. It was marginally better! Still not great, but there was a LITTLE something there that there wasn’t before. I guess the nicest thing I can say is that maybe now that this book is written North might have the time to put effort into writing something better? But the “autofiction” of it all has me doubting whether that’s going to happen anytime soon. (Autofiction? More like auto-DNF, badum ching.) By which I mean, the Venn diagram between the protagonist and North’s GoodReads bio is very close to a circle. Idk - if all you can write is a very thinly veiled version of your own life (or, in fact, many thinly veiled alternate versions of your own life), where do you go once you’ve done that? What does that lead to, creatively speaking? It just feels so lacking in imagination, empathy, a fundamental curiosity about the world around you…
Sidenote: What I’m also saying here is I’m sick of people for whom the worst thing* that’s happened to them in their life is grad school not working out. Get real problems! I acknowledge I have no sympathy for people whose big idea they want to share with the world through fiction is “academia was stressful and toxic for me.” In a time in which the value of education, science, knowledge, truth etc. are under attack, it’s wild to me that people are writing (& getting that writing published) with so little self-awareness or reflection. I guess what I’m saying is it’s infuriating to read about this protagonist who gets a NASA grant to do research and dislikes the actual work so much she purposefully does undergrad-level busywork rather than anything meaningful, and then to read the author’s bio and see “In previous lives, they worked in an observational cosmology lab on a grant from NASA.” So that real life grant money was just fully wasted, huh. Academia sucks? Sounds like it’s the environment you perpetuated.
Ultimately this character’s journey, from a bleak, boring life to a slightly better life with a small sliver of purpose & meaning, did not need to take up 224 pages. It’s hard for me to imagine a reader who is willing to put up with this level of predictable banality for the full book unless they’re (a) the author’s MFA professor/classmate, and therefore it’s kinda their job, or (b) the kind of reader who likes to read boring litfic about depressed people whose lives are going nowhere so they feel better about how great their own life is in comparison. For any other kind of audience, this could have been (or should have stayed) a short story.
I also have a second sidenote, which is: Far be it from me to recommend people “get religion,” but I did joke to myself at a certain point that the MC should consider dabbling - just the fun bits, for something to do instead of sitting around being depressed - and therefore laughed out loud when I read the final chapter and she’s talking about the Torah and referencing Maimonides. Even there, though, the treatment of religion is at such a shallow level - the protagonist is just looking for a panacea. As long as you can slap a band-aid on it so you can get through the day, there’s no need to do the work to actually learn or grow or change, and religion is just the newest version of that. In that sense this book is the opposite of “hopeful” - the opposite of “[a]n explosion of creative beauty and heart.” It’s bland and a little bleak if you think about it for too long, and that’s more or less where it ends, too.
[*Yes, okay, there’s a little more than that. There’s grief & associated guilt, and there’s also the protagonist’s obvious depression. Everything I’ve said above about how the book handles grief is equally applicable to how it handles the rest of it.]