1.5 stars. Thank you to NetGalley, Sourcebooks, and Bloom Books for this advanced copy. You can pick up The Empress on January 7, 2025.
I just want to know what possessed me to ask for this book when I've read this author's work before and actively disliked it. SHOCKER, this one was no different. But I did read the ENTIRE book so I could justify my negative feelings with incontrovertible proof that the book is terrible.
Let's begin.
Our main character, Hannah, is a literal walking 2010s meme. She's not like other girls with her messy bun, threadbare clothes, and small body (we'll come back to that). Hannah refers to herself or her life as "desperate" no less than 42 times (yes, I did count). She's literally failing at life with her shitty corporate job, shitty cheating boyfriend, and shitty lack of friends or loved ones.
So, of course, she's the chosen one.
After Hannah anti-climactically falls through a portal into another realm, she's rescued by our tall, muscled, dark-haired leading man, Kane Blackthorne. This is where the 0.5 stars come in -- this man is no different from any other blueprint romantasy MMC, but he DID amuse me with his banter and sexy times with Hannah. The romance served its purpose, until everything went to shit (we'll get to that).
Now, here are some scattered moments that I feel I need to address because they contributed to the overall cringe of this book and how much the writing TRULY brought down every potentially redeemable component:
- She can't get over his manliness.
- She's SO clumsy that she turned her phone flashlight on in the middle of a tavern and everyone literally pointed and screamed, "WITCH!"
- She's so tiny that she might as well be "full of feathers" or "sturdy as a newly birthed fawn."
- His nickname for her is now Little Fawn.
- He used a literal onion to explain a metaphor about the layers between worlds.
- There are not one, but TWO millennial-core makeover montages (and she specifically says in one case, "Let the makeover montage begin."
- They get interrupted during sexy bathwater pomegranate time and she tells the maid, "Ashwood and his erection were just leaving."
- To which he responds, "Actually, I was hoping to come, not go." This line did in fact gag me in the best way.
- There's a ton of shady behavior with the FMC's best friend's husband and the MMC's ex-fiancee that just complicates everything for no reason.
- The second makeover montage is her having a girl boss moment and feeling all powerful and sexy while she literally cosplays as Daenerys Targaryen.
- This line exists: "And, not to sound white savior-ish or anything, but I'm also the only one who can save your kingdom."
- She does literally nothing to save the kingdom but they win anyway.
- They have magical sex that restores an ancient phallic Tower.
All that is to say, if you like self-insert Outlander fan fic or dreamed about being kidnapped by a hot vaguely historical man, this might be your book. Just know what you're getting into with the rest of it.