Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners : Understanding Covert Incest

by Kenneth M. Adams

Did you have a parent whose love for you felt more confining than freeing, more demanding than giving, more intrusive than nurturing? Did you feel trapped in a "psychological marriage" with this parent? If so, you may be a victim of covert incest.

Identification of this kind of incest is difficult, since covert incest victims often feel idealized and privileged, not violated and abused. In Silently Seduced, Dr. Adams, through illustrative case examples and perceptive insight, provides covert incest victims a framework to understand what happened to them, how their lives and relationships continue to be affected and how to begin the process of recovery.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Parenting, Mental Health, Relationships, Health

116 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1991

Reviews

[Nik Maack · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book THE TRUTH made reference to this book. So I ordered it. Because my issues are in here. I could tell, just based on The Game and it's description of this text.

I have been in therapy a long time. A lot of the issues described in this brief text are issues I have struggled with. It is very creepy to see all my problems laid out so neatly. All those problems become so many beads on a string.

It's a deceptively simple book with a simple thesis: when your opposite sex parent treats you like a surrogate spouse, it messes you up. It makes you approach reality a particular way. Your needs get put in a vault, buried, as you try to help others. But those buried needs fester and eventually explode.

I learned as a child (from my mom) that my father is bad and my mother is a saint and I had to take care of my mother. It damaged me. It messed me up. Even seeing this written down, that others have dealt with the same issues, is heartening.

As I continue to struggle with my "family of origin" and their madness, it's books like this one that offer a glimmer of hope.

[Morgan Blackledge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Covert incest (also known as emotional incest) refers to dysfunctional (emotionally enmeshed) parent/child dynamics whereby: (a) the parent relies on the child for emotional or moral support, physical affection or any non-overtly sexual intimacy that would be more appropriately reserved for adult relationships. And/or (b) the child is put in a protective, parenting, caretaking or quasi spousal role to the parent.

Covert incest can (and nearly always does) have a negative effect on the child's emotional development and ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

Covert incest is usually dismissed, or viewed as somehow less harmful than overtly sexual incest, but it can be EXTREMELY traumatic and HIGHLY emotionally damaging.

A child put in this role typically internalizes the notion that (a) love is transactional, (b) their worth comes from being a good caretaker, and (c) that their feelings and needs don’t matter.

Being in this role installs a deep, silent, painful, unconscious (unknown but deeply felt) sense of shame at our core.

That core shame can affect us in our sense of self, whereby we feel unworthy, broken, incomplete, and incompetent to the task of living.

Core shame affects our professional achievement, in that we overachieve in some regards and underachieve in others.

Many of us are and workaholic types, who also feel deeply uncomfortable with authority and power. As such, we either avoid leadership roles, or suffer tremendous cognitive dissonance and anxiety when we are in leadership.

Core shame similarly affects or ability to manifest creatively. We are GREAT at helping others achieve their creative vision. But we feel frozen in shame (paralyzed and somehow unsafe) when it comes to fulfilling our own creative vision.

Core shame, and the subsequent sense of incompleteness can set us on an endless self improvement mission, or on a perpetual quest for new knowledge or spiritual enlightenment.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But trying desperately to fix something that isn’t actually broken can be like a dog chasing it’s tail. Exhausting when you can’t quite catch it. And disappointing when you do.

Perhaps most importantly.

Core shame affects our relationships, whereby our sense of incompleteness can make us needy and codependent in relationships, or our perfectionism can make us perpetually disappointed in our partners (or both).

This book was one of the first to name and discuss covert incest. It is still a classic and oft cited text in this domain.

So why 4/5 stars ?

I had a mixed reading experience.

In fact.

I started it and set it down for a spell.

Something about the oddly specific nature of the examples in the first part of the book were incongruent to my personal experience, and that left me feeling like I was not the intended audience.

However, I read a lot of other good books on this topic that referenced this book. So I decided to pick it back up. And I’m glad I did. The remainder of the book was quite relevant and ultimately very useful.

4/5 ⭐️ (recommended with minor reservations)

[Catie]

I think that this book is a good introduction to the concept of covert incest for people who are just coming to terms with the idea that a parent or guardian used them as an emotional substitute for a partner. I struggle with the terms "covert incest" and even the title of the book is upsetting. Covert incest IS upsetting, but as someone who experienced it, labeling it "incest" made it so hard to come to terms with. I think more compassionate language is needed in talking about children whose parents over-rely on them for emotional or psychological needs. It's hard enough not to feel bad or dirty when someone uses you. As much as I understand these things need to be called out into the light and treated with all seriousness, words can be triggering.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I purchased this book to use clinically, however found it personally enlightening as well. It is fairly simple to read, but the message belies the book's easy readability.

The book focuses on covert incest, as the title suggests, and will probably not be very beneficial for overt incest survivors seeking answers. A client of mine borrowed the book and reported that little pertained to her. This does not mean, however that the parent-child dynamics involved in covert incest can't also exist in a more physically/sexually abusive relationship. I recommend this book for clinicians and survivors.

[Alex · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a great book both for practitioners and those who are survivors of cover incest. Adams does a great job of differentiating between overt and covert incest, and boldly asserts that covert incest can be as damaging as overt incest, regardless of whether there was physical contact. He points out that the importance lies in the sexually charged relationship between the parent and child. Adams also explains the particularities of male and female survivor experiences, using both theory and illuminating clinical vignettes.

I found the last few chapters of the book particularly helpful, as he moved more into current symptoms as well as a path towards healing. He also looks at sex addiction as an outcome of covert incest, which I believe is particularly helpful because that might be the instigator for exploring the past in the first place. In the end, Adams also provides a great list of resources, including support groups and helpful texts. This is not a manual for practitioners, but rather a helpful tool to better understand covert incest for survivors as well as practitioners.

[Aisling · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

A good introduction to covert incest, focuses mainly on covert incest between “opposite sex” parents and their children with little exploration of surrogacy partner relationships between the “same sex” parent and child. The implications of covert incest on queer relationships is not considered / overlooked besides one question in the FAQ relating to gay men being their mothers surrogate partner.

The book spends a lot of time talking about the relationship between adult sexual addiction and the experience of covert incest in childhood, I feel like the potential for sexual repulsion was never mentioned.

Still feel the book has useful information and can be enlightening if you identify with the issues brought forth in the book, at the same time it doesn’t leave you with much to process any “ick” feelings that might arrive from re-examining your familial relationships through the lens of covert incest.

Also many of the suggestions involve 12 step programs or reconnecting with one or both parents - I feel the book could benefit from including solutions that don’t involve reopening potentially harmful or abusive relationships

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

Covert Incest - when a parent puts their emotional needs above that of their children...pretty powerful language and the relational outcomes are profound well into the child's adult years. This book is for anyone who has been in an enmeshed relationship with a parent.

[Satish]

Read this before you get married

Most of us think we had happy childhoods and everything that was happening around us is usual and normal. This book is highly recommended for people to recognize dysfunction in their families and how that shows up in adult lives.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 plus. I'm really glad I came across this book which was kind of a happy accident. I had a wide array of puzzle pieces from several different people, I knew the puzzles themselves were related or similar, and I WAS heading in the right direction (it turns out). Then BOOM! with this shining light of a book. Any uncertainty on my part was erased by what's contained in these pages. Thank you, Dr Adams! (And I didn't even read the updated revised edition, but I'm going to.)

[Miguel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs to read this. Adams is an expert on the subject and will make you look at family life so completely different. Even if you're not a victim, you will be able to identify those around you and make sense of the chaos happening in your relationships

[Vanessa VD · Rating 2 out of 5]

Little information. But a practical guide to help people to see the symptoms and realize that they are not alone, to be able to take a step and unpluge the damage.

[Kostiantyn Levin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Попри гучний заголовок, в книзі не йдеться про дії сексуального характеру. Кеннет Адамс пише про прихований (covert) інцест в родинах і його наслідки для дітей. Йдеться про ситуацію, коли в дисфункціональних родинах (один чи обидва батьки алкоголіки; нездатні до близькості, уникають одне одного; незадоволені шлюбом) хтось з батьків використовує дитину іншої статі в якості сурогатного емоційного партнера. Тобто, коли енергію, яку доросла людина мала б спрямувати на свого/свою партнера/партнерку, вона спрямовує на дитину, створюючи занадто близький емоційний зв'язок. Коли з дитини роблять довірену особу, якій, зокрема, жаліються на партнера, по факту партнера дитиною заміщаючи.

Така дитина стає другим (емоційно - першим) чоловіком (чи дружиною) в родині, і виростає, не отримавши нележного емоційного зв'язку з батьками в якості, власне, дитини. Сепаруватись від таких батьків надзвичайно складно, тому, в результаті, в дорослому житті це призводить до нездатності будувати здорові стосунки. На них автоматично переноситься модель поведінки з тим з батьків, чиїм "сурогантним партнером" була людина в дитинстві (як варіант — переноситься компульсивна поведінка, спрямована на уникання прямого переносу), а разом з моделлю переноситься і прихована злість за необхідність колись бути в цій ролі.

Книжка здебільншого складається з коротких історій пацієнтів, які все-таки дійшли до психотерапевта, бажаючи розібратися з поточними стосунками (чи їх відсутністю) і, в процесі, згадали, як саме до них ставилися їхні батьки, щоразу описуючи історію covert incest.

[AJ · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful in unpacking a lot of my childhood and reassuring myself that my feelings and experiences were valid. However, the extreme cis-heteronormativity present in this book and the focus on dysfunctional romantic relationships in adulthood meant that I found its overall impact lessened dramatically - One LGBT question in the last chapter does not representation make, and the insistence on the gender ratios within the covertly incestuous relationship seemed preposterous and unnecessary. Additionally, there was much discussion of sex addiction, but I would’ve liked to see some coverage of those who in turn end up sex repulsed by the “icky” feelings within covert incest.

My favourite quotes were:

“There is an important difference between overt and covert incest: while the overt victim feels abused, the covert victim feels idealized and privileged. Yet, underneath the thin mask of feeling special and privileged rests the same trauma of the overt victim: rage, anger, shame, and guilt. The sense of exploitation resulting from being a parent’s surrogate partner or spouse is buried behind a wall of illusion and denial.”

“Both parents are active participants in this covertly incestuous relationship. One is getting some needs met through the child and the other is relieved at not having to deal with the reality of the unsatisfied partner.”

“Vitality is lost under the insidious, lifelong trap that “I should keep being there for my mother; after all, she was always there for me.” Again, it cannot be stressed enough that the mother’s preoccupation with the child is not a statement of love for the child, but a statement of dire neediness by the mother.”

“Covert-incest victims look to places and circumstances in life where they can overachieve and attempt perfectionism. But they never feel adequate. They are ridden with guilt that they haven’t done enough, shame that they ‘aren’t enough,’ and anger that their needs are not met.”

“Covert incest victims resist seeking help because they experience it as a sign of weakness. They often offer help, but seldom are able to receive it.”

“By not resolving [one’s] family-of-origin issues, [one] prevents [them]self from moving on in life, and instead adds to the ongoing state of ambivalence that covert incest victims experience with commitment.”

“Allow yourself to be outraged over being burdened with so much guilt. Your sense of outrage helps you set boundaries. Adults who grew up with functional parents who did not use them to gratify their own needs do not feel enormous guilt when the adult child attempts to get their needs met.”

“Setting boundaries with others does not require their consent and understanding. Don’t leave it to others to grant you freedom to state your needs!”

“The liability for covert incest survivors is that if you are too invested in your parent’s life, you cannot invest in a life of your own filled with contentment and happiness. From this perspective, you can see how critical it is that you separate from your parent and from the impact of covert incest.”

[Hope · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was suggested to me in a forum for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. The author seems more familiar with male victims of covert incest, and tends to focus on victims dealing with addictions. It's also a very short work - more an overview of what covert incest is than a thorough examination of it. That all being said, it is a good, basic overview. I'm neither male, nor dealing with an active addiction, but still saw myself in this book. That it's a short work becomes an advantage - a victim in denial might not be willing to read a longer work, but may well see themselves in this one.

I prefer to find suggestions and ideas for recovery in books aimed at adult children of abuse/neglect/dysfunction, which this book is light on. There are suggestions, but they're almost too vague to be helpful. However, this book would be a good place to start for someone looking into the topic of covert incest.

[theperksofbeingmarissa ;) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a great introduction to covert incest like most have said. There wasn't much focus on mother-daughter covert incest which is what I was looking to learn more about.

***As the eldest child of one an alcoholic and another an addict, I def resonated with most of the stories in this book. I could never put my finger on why I felt "sick" about my relationships with both of them until I was introduced to the word "enmeshment." I wanted to read more about it and found this book. I'm glad I did.

[Kyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not an easy read but definitely gave me more clarification on how my mother pushed her needs onto me and how I took care of other women in my life that only used me for advice or their own needs. I feel like I wasted my whole life taking care of other people that seldom deserved my love and care. Ugh.

[Shayna Marks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Adams explores the topic of covert incest within families in an informative and professional way. Using anecdotes Adams offers examples as well as the problems that arise when a child suffers from covert incest.

Great book about a little known topic.

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Perhaps it was the fact that this book was overly Freudian, but this book creeped me out. I understand the conceptualizations, yet the way the information was articulated and conveyed came across as outdated and unhelpful.

[erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

an interesting theory and a definite twist on the codependent model.

[Aasiya Maaviah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book after it was recommended in Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel. She explained the premise beautifully, and Kenneth Adams did not disappoint.

The poor behavior of many men is often attributed to a permissive society, rarely being linked to lazy or negligent parenting. Jealous, competitive fathers and needy mothers frequently contribute to the development of narcissistic personality disorders. Society tends to assume that men are naturally less emotionally intelligent, more resilient, and therefore less affected by their parents’ shortcomings during childhood. As a result, these issues often remain unaddressed for entire lifetimes.

Meanwhile, women are frequently treated as partners to both parents and are secretly resented for their maturity and competence. In Silently Seduced, Kenneth uses the provocatively titled book to tackle the unsettling topic of covert incest—an issue that quietly undermines the inner lives of many seemingly functional adults who struggle to understand why life feels harder than it should.

If you’ve ever been labeled a “Mama’s boy” or “Daddy’s princess” and felt uncomfortable with the label, it’s time to pick up this book.

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a decent book, but I feel like it didn't contain as much detail as I would have liked. That's probably because this is a relatively niche idea at the moment and it's hard to come up with a ton of examples (plus wanting to protect the privacy of patients, etc.), but I feel like there's not a lot in here that would make it very clear to the layperson when a situation like this has occurred or is occurring.

I strongly suspect that something akin to this was going on in my family of origin (an alcoholic father and BOTH parents confiding their displeasure with each other to me [but not until later into my teens if I'm recalling correctly]). But there was definitely plenty of room for doubt because certain things never happened to me (I don't believe I was ever 'the special one' and never felt like I was getting a ton of inappropriate affection from either parent, although maybe I was and just didn't view it that way at the time.)

Most of my anger and resentment at the moment comes less from them leaning on me and more for them not letting me set any boundaries or cultivating my own emotions or desires. I was required to be the mature and calm one for my entire family (younger brother as well as both parents) with a double standard that got me very harshly punished for most any form of angry expression, but allowed the rest of them to slam things, stomp around, yell, and generally have tantrums.

Overall a good book. Trying to parse/process through it. When I had it recommended to me, it seemed like it would resonate a lot more strongly than it ultimately ended up doing, so I feel like the author is seriously on to something, but I'd love to see more depth, detail, and fleshing out of these concepts.

[Fleeting Bird · Rating 2 out of 5]

I reduced my rating significantly because of the sensitive subject of childhood sexual abuse. The story of Vickie and her dream about her father's sexual abuse before the age of 5 is problematic. This topic was investigated and it was confirmed that some people are vulnerable to suggestions. They might come to believe false things told by a person they regard as an expert. Since the therapist was using the word "incest" to describe her relationship to her father, thinking about actual sexual abuse was not so far away. Dreams should never be taken literally. Dreams usually are showing our current concerns in a symbolic manner. It's true that there are trauma dreams that portray events exactly as they occurred but if Vickie had really been abused as a child, she would have had that same dream occur throughout her whole life. The dream appears right after the trauma and continues until it is resolved. Since her dream was new, it was just a representation of the associations that were formed by the term covert INCEST.

I don't recommend this book. If you want to learn about this topic, choose "The Emotional Incest Syndrome" by Patricia Love. It is an excellent resource communicated in a more reliable and responsible way. Her story telling is also much better.

Abuse, incest are unnecessary dramatic accusatory definitions. It's emotional enmeshment, role reversal, general ignorance about a healthy family living. I don't like how Freudian tradition sexualized all kinds of bonds. Not everything is about sex. Our current culture puts too much emphasis on it. We really need to sober up a bit.

[Elly Call · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m actually very impressed with this book—unlike many of the family therapy-related books I’ve read this one didn’t pathologize single parents OR ignore/pathologize the alphabet mafia. In fact, the discussion of this family dynamic on queer kids was really matter-of-fact and inclusive, not at all “it’s a mental illness”-y. Points deducted for the intense gender binary-ness of it all, though—I just feel like I would’ve learned more had other genders been included. And I imagine poly readers might get a little irritated by his seeming focus on monogamy as the healthiest expression of love.

A well-written book though, highly recommend if researching. I can’t emphasize enough how happy I was to not get backhanded by nuclear family conservatism while reading it.

[Maria · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enlightening, although I would have appreciated more details regarding the dynamics at play when it's the same-sex parent committing the covert incest on the child. The author did include some information on the subject in the reedition of this book, but only in chapter 8, in the format of "FAQ".
Nonetheless, a good and helpful read.

[Kirby Whitehead · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for learning about specific types of triangulation, the results, and what is required to counteract the abuse. Short and concise. Would love to hear about more of the research and wish some of this information was included. Highly recommend as a mental health professional, maybe slightly over some client’s heads.

[Ivy James · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I know it's impossible for the author to write about every possible scenario of covert incest in a single book, I was a little disappointed that he didn't talk about the consequences of it for lesbians and bi women. Otherwise, great resource.

[Kendell RM · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not discussed enough

The focus is covert or emotional incest and the effects on these children as they age. The stories outline some common patterns. I would have liked to have seen more on prevalence and how some of the behaviour is normalized.

[Audrey · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't finish it after I read this:

"Many parents have feelings of attraction toward their children. That in itself is not damaging. It is in the sexualizing of the child that the violation occurs."

There is also a misogynistic undertone.

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Generally supportive and honest commentary on patterns that could be an invisible wall to healthy connections. TL;DR If you know, you know.

[Geo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really opened my eyes to a lot of things that happened in my childhood. After I finished reading it I wrote in my diary for two hours about everything it illuminated for me.