The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight

by Dan B. Allender, Steve Call

What if you could experience a marriage that is not just good, but truly life-giving? Therapists Dan Allender and Steve Call show how deeper intimacy can bring more healing and delight.

Every relationship has its highs and lows, but we often don't know what to do with our "lows," or how we ended up there. What is creating friction, exacerbating our pain, and standing in the way of intimacy?

More often than not, it is the stories of our past drifting into the present. But if we are willing to look at them closely, we will be able to write a new story for the future.

With more than seventy years of therapeutic experience combined, Dan Allender and Steve Call demonstrate how God is inviting you and your partner to a wild faith journey with the hope of transformation. With personal stories, key psychological insights, and practical advice, The Deep-Rooted Marriage will help you:

Address past trauma, giving you greater courage and compassion to engage your present struggles.
Disrupt cycles of conflict based on shame, judgment, and resentment.
Create safety when feeling threatened and offer attunement, empathy, and honor toward differences.
Adopt humility, honesty, kindness, curiosity, defiance against what divides, and intention to bless.
Learn practices that cultivate emotional intimacy, generating new goodness between you and beyond you.


Marriage is not about merely getting along or resolving conflict through compromise. It reveals who you are and invites you to who you can become. Marriage offers a space for you to experience what you are made for—honor and delight. And it is the ground from which redemption is meant to grow, where, together, you can reflect God's image more and experience a taste of heaven.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Self Help, Counselling, Audiobook, Relationships, Theology

256 pages, Hardcover

Published January 21, 2025

About the author

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.

Reviews

[Reid Parrish · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marriage will break you.

Our culture’s view of marriage often presents as an extended spa experience where you get laid and play house. If you don’t like it, you can leave. Quite frankly, the church doesn’t offer a much better framework when it idolizes marriage.

The truth is that marriage will unavoidably drive you to the end of yourself. It will reopen closed wounds and dig its fingers into them. It will expose your biggest flaws, generate your biggest failures, and exacerbate your biggest insecurities. It will strip you bare in front of another human and bring you face to face with the universal question: will they still love me?

Allender and Call bring us to this reality and offer a word of hope: Marriage provides a covenantal relationship where my wounds, flaws, failures, and insecurities are brought out into the open and I can still experience love. A place where I can be deeply seen, known, and still loved… and therefore changed.

The question isn’t if the darkness within me or my spouse will be brought into the light, the question is how we respond to it. I think every married couple should read this.

The bad news: marriage is a war.

The good news: you’re fighting beside your spouse, not against them.

This book is an excellent weapon for this fight.

Disclaimer: I’m bias but I think my wife and I have an incredible marriage. Not in spite of everything written above, but because of it. One of the primary ways I receive the love of Christ, live in the love of Christ, and give the love of Christ is through my marriage.

[Alicia Shaddix · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5⭐️

This is my 2nd Allender book. Really enjoy his content!

[Libby Valerio · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! Lots of therapeutic language and real life scenarios of the joys and pains of marriage.

[Alexis · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 rounded to 5! Gooooood stuff in here. Put it down for a while but picked it up this past week and the timing was providential. A book I’d recommend to any married couple!

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful book! I will go back to it again and again. The recurring theme is to honor, delight, and never stop being curious about your spouse.

"Life is war, and marriage provides us with a close and intimate ally with whom we may wage this war. The battle requires bold love, forgiveness, confrontation, and repentance".

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good - one of my favorite books on marriage, and expect to come back to it for the beautiful blend of imago dei theology, attachment, and psychology.

[Samuel Kassing · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a four star book when I read it charitably. A three star book when I read it critically. But would be a five star book for many.

The malformation of your first formation is critical to navigate marital pain and to pursue marital intimacy.

[Dexter Carter · Rating 5 out of 5]

“The goal of marriage is to convince us at the deepest recess of our bodies and hearts that we can’t remain who we are and create the world of love we desire”

Meaning of Marriage helped me to prepare for getting married. This book reminded me not to grow weary of doing the good work for finding healing from my past.

[Michael Wenig · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fantastic book because it holds and maintains an incredibly high view of marriage. And not just a high view of marriage that makes you feel good and excited about marriage, but a raw, real and extremely gritty view of marriage that should make you (if not married) really consider whether you’re up for the commitment marriage actually requires, and if you are married, it will ask you to consider how you can better live in the raw, real and gritty view it discusses.

This was written by Dan Allender, so obviously it talks about family of origin, trauma, emotional healing and everything else you could expect along those lines, so if that on the whole is something you’re not on board with and willing to digest, I’d skip this book. But if that is something you’re already experiencing or desiring to explore, this book will help you on that path.

I’m very thankful for this book. I rented it from the library, but I think I need to purchase my own copy so I can reread and reference it. While written for marriage, it was personally helpful for me in my own journey of healing and identifying wounds that I carry (with me all the time, not just in marriage) and how they might affect me today.

Also, if you get nervous that it’s not “scripturally rooted enough,” don’t worry, that becomes more prevalent and focused in the last third of the book.

“The goal of marriage is to convince us at the deepest recesses of our bodies and hearts that we can't remain who we are and create the world of love we desire. We are to realize that much of our present story flows from the pages of the past, but if we go back and scribble in the margins of our heartache, we can start writing a new story. If we engage the past with an eye on the future, addressing the log in our dogmatic perspectives and demands, we will be formed, as Key said, into "beautiful new creatures we scarcely recognize."

[Sarah Schuster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read with Micah. Thankful for this one for prompting such good conversation and for all of the reminders of how to fight well, together

[Stacy Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a marriage book like any other. I thoroughly enjoyed this different take on what marriage is and what it can do for you and through you! It seems the possibilities are endless if you’re willing to take a deep look within yourself, your spouse and invite God into every step along the way.

[Analisa Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this with our small group & it was such a great opportunity to go deeper with our friends and not feel alone in certain struggles. It was also good to look at our pasts and see how it has shaped our marriages. I think at times the wording in this book could be hard to understand, but other than that it was great!

[Sally Falahat · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/10 would recommend. Parts of it made me dread the idea of marriage. Other parts really highlighted how sanctifying it could be. Lots to think about and definitely see myself reading it again

[Caleb Tate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is stellar. For someone who values the art of story, this book has everything. It is such a personal representation of the authors’ marital dynamics that focus on both the beauty and the brokenness of their relationships. Not many books are willing to step into both of those realities.

It is also such an easy and dynamics read; switching writing styles between both Dan Allender and Steve Call, as well as uniquely incorporating the voices of their wives into the conversation. This writing style offers so much perspective while maintaining the heart of the literature: “How do I become the face of God to my spouse”.

I recommend to anyone who wants to discover more about their personal story and how that may play into their marriage, those who do not understand the meaning or the purpose of their marital conflict, those who want to find richer meaning in their marriage, and for those who want to discover how to heal so that the may be present to the broken parts of their spouse to move towards them in love.

[Brian Virtue · Rating 5 out of 5]

i was wanting a little bit more but I appreciated the relentless focus on the heart with its complexities and spiritual battle. it is authentic, vulnerable, and deep - deeper than many marriage books tend to go. That being said, it felt like most of the book was relevant for any significant relationships even though examples were from marriage. But I think anyone could benefit from this book in learning about how their stories and trauma impacts their significant relationships.

[Scott Wise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really appreciated the thoughtfulness the authors put into getting to root issues rather than trying to fix surface issues. They also focused on building blocks that create a healthy relationships. This goes all the way to how we view ourselves, noy just our strengths and weaknesses but also how we often are not honest with ourselves about these things, which an be a root cause of so many issues that come from putting 2 humans together.

[Heath · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book on marriage by the Allender’s and Call’s. Drawing on insights from their therapy practices and marriages, the book reads as a guide to the red flags every marriage can encounter and how to navigate those when they come. The book definitely shows the influence of Gottman, IFS, and attachment theory. The authors also beautifully draw on their theology to show how our spouses can show us the face of God.

[Paddlegirl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read on marriage, giving hope for healing and words of encouragement. The wives insight is interesting and the personal relatable examples helpful. Great book to process through with a group.

[Brooke Denniston · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is excellent. While ultimately a “marriage book,” Allendar and Call’s exploration and discussion of our lived stories, past hurts and trauma, resulting patterns, sin, redemption and the overpowering work of the gospel within the context of creating a “deep rooted marriage” offered so much more. I gained an abundance of insight and knowledge in the realms of parenting, how I counsel, friendships and simply understanding my own story better. For that reason, it’s hard not to recommend this book to anyone and everyone.

[Jenifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

A Good book for reflection and then to start a conversation. I was hoping for some more specific things I could do our ideas on how to achieve a better relationship.

[Cindy Davis- Cindy's Book Corner · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am always looking for books that will improve me, my family, and my life, LOL! So when I saw that The Deep-Rooted Marriage was up for review, I requested a copy. I am very happily married but I feel that there is always room for improvement.

"Many good marriage books offer advice about how to spice up your marriage. This is not one of them.

...start from a different premise: we are heading to a banquet of delight, as promised in Psalm 23, and along the way, we will walk through some dark valleys."

The authors are clear from the beginning how they are going to go about framing their book, and what the book is and is not. It is not a memoir but it is a self-help book, especially for those who have experienced trauma. I think we can all agree we bring stuff to a marriage.

"Every marriage is a story of two people formed by different worlds joining together to create a universe that has never existed before. Your marriage is unique in all its goodness and in all that needs redemption."

However, I struggled when the authors started talking about trauma. They state: "Perhaps you feel the word trauma doesn't apply to your story, that it relates only to damages more severe than yours. The truth is, however, that you have known harm, whatever the severity. And what is trauma, exactly?

Trauma is any violation of human dignity that comes through emotional, physical, sexual, or spiritual harm."

I don't agree with their definition, nor do they state where they got their definition of trauma from. According to the online dictionary (I know, not the best, but still), trauma is defined as "deeply distressing or disturbing, an emotional shock following a stressful event that is difficult to cope with or out of our control...and trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, or emotional abuse, neglect, experiencing or witnessing violence, death of a loved one, war, and more."

While some of these things labeled as trauma could fall under the perimeters the authors have set forth, I feel that their definition is more hurt than trauma, not to say trauma could not have come from those things, but hopefully, you get what I am trying to say. I don't believe that everyone brings trauma to a marriage, but like I previously stated, we do all bring junk to the marriage. Our ideas of what marriage is or isn't based upon our parent's marriage or other marriages we've witnessed, TV shows we've watched, etc.

Regardless, if you or your spouse, or you and your spouse have experienced trauma, this book will be helpful to you. The book describes many couples and the experiences they had and how the authors have helped them. They discuss topics of shame, contempt, emotional neglect, and more.

Thank you to Front Gate Media for the opportunity to read and review this book. I was not required to provide a positive review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[Will O'kelley · Rating 4 out of 5]

"You are the face of God to your spouse."

I've read a fair number of books that try to answer questions about marriage theologically. They have helped me immensely in my walk with the Lord and in my marriage as I've wrestled with questions like: what is marriage? why get married? what are the roles of men and women in the home? how do men lead their households? etc.

This book comes at marriage from a different, more experiential, counseling-focused perspective while still staying firmly rooted in a Christian worldview. I don't think this book is for every couple. At times, I found myself getting annoyed at the author's vagueness (just give me three easy steps that will make me not have conflict with my spouse, already!). However, I quickly realized that this is part of the beauty of the book--the authors don't try to give a one-sized-fits-all solution. Rather, in a deeply anecdotal, personal, raw and even poetic way, they describe what it is like to try and work through trauma with your spouse, to see your spouse through the lens of love, and to invite yourself and your spouse into the greatest story ever, the story of the gospel. This is a book about marriage, but it's also a book about how to think and feel, how to love yourself, and how to know and be known. At least for me, there are parts of this book I will be meditating on for a long time.

Yes, there are a few quibbles I have with the book. The authors put a huge amount of stock into the idea that virtually all of our sin patterns/faulty views can be traced back to childhood trauma/family of origin. As someone who has barely scratched the surface on understanding counseling, I am still a bit wary about the totalizing, explanatory power that "trauma" purportedly has. As another aside, one of the authors draws what felt like an extremely oversimplistic comparison between dog psychology and human psychology at one point (yes, I know about Pavlov and Skinner, but...shouldn't we be careful about hasty generalizing from animal to human?).

These things aside, the book has already led to fruitful discussion with my wife about how we can love each other better. Highly recommend!

[Patrick Schultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my! This is rich with vulnerability, theology, humor, counseling insight, and long years of experience. This is not for the faint of heart. It is deeply challenging. Here is one highlight:

“Marriage is in a sense, a microcosm fighting a good fight of faith. Of Defiantly saying, “hell, no!” to what leads us away from God’s heart and life, and “heaven, yes!” to the beauty and transformation invite us to.

Marriage is to be a transformative gift to family, friends, neighbors, and all who encounter true honesty and hope.”

And it was at times hilarious, after sharing the story in which his neighbors watch one of the authors and his wife fight over weeding in the garden they were interrupted by applause from the neighbors who had enjoyed watching them fight!

Then they were invited to join them on the porch. This is where it gets so terribly accessible, after recounting and rich conversation one author summarizes the experience this way: “It was a Holy Sunday afternoon, drinking beer, eating Cheetos, and talking about the mystery of marriage.”

If you were looking for a little bit of self-help and a few pro tips on how to improve your marriage, this is not the book for you. However, if you want to think deeply, be challenged even more deeply, and perhaps experience a bit of the transformation up long for in marriage, this book may suit you.

BTW - I bought the hard copy, and also listened on audible. It was a delight to listen to each of the authors and their wives, who also contributed proportions, each read the their own portion of the book!

[Catherine · Rating 1 out of 5]

Allow me to be the first ONE star review of this book. I feel this is necessary, because I picked up this book based on its high reviews. After reading it (and not being able to finish it!), I am baffled by these high reviews, but to each their own I guess. My husband and I want to spend more time reading together, but this choice was clearly a swing and a miss. This book is a perfect example of what's wrong with the mental/emotional/therapeutic side of our world. There is WAY TOO MUCH focus on "trauma," and ruminating in it. I say trauma with quotes because it's defined so subjectively and it fascinates me what people not only find traumatic, but hang on to it as well. The majority of this book was pretty cringe for my husband and I, but it reached full ridiculousness around pages 85-86 when one of the authors talked about choosing what to wear for a wedding as being a place to perceive a threat and "to begin the process of owning how our past harm triggers the warfare of our spouses." This was tied to her dress matching his suit, and her thinking they would look like they were both wearing identical bowling shirts. My husband and I just looked at each other and said, WHAT!? This was the moment we closed the book and said, no more of this.
Maybe give Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages a go. A much more valuable read.

[Cover Lover Book Review · Rating 4 out of 5]

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐞𝐞𝐩-𝐑𝐨𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞 is a Christian self-help book designed to deepen and enrich marriages. Christians who desire a deeper, richer, more meaningful marriage will undoubtedly discover tools and insights to do so in this book and its accompanying companion guide. The guide asks questions and provides exercises to help strengthen connections between spouses.

It's important to not only understand your spouse, but to understand yourself and the both of you connect (or don’t.) These books help readers recognize patterns that might be detrimental and replace them with better routes that deepen connection and intimacy.

I appreciate the cover art featuring a thriving tree that symbolizes a strong marriage. The well-established tree roots nourish and support just as the presence of God in our marriages cultivates, nurtures, and strengthens us.

First Line: Every marriage is a tapestry.
Genre: Christian Self-help, Non-fiction
Author: Dan B. Allender, Steve Call
Page Count: 256

#CoverLoverBookReview received an advanced reader copy of this book. Opinions are 100% my own.

[Scott Wozniak · Rating 5 out of 5]

I hesitated to read this book because the description sounded the content was the same as other books on marriage I've read. But I kept seeing others recommend it highly as a book worth reading, so I gave it a try.

I'm so glad I did.

Turns out, both things were true. This isn't brand new content. Core idea: the pains of our early lives create response patterns that create the shape of our marriage. So, we should examine, redefine, discuss and relearn. But those are not the authors' words. They don't teach a 4-step framework, or even use the word "should." They tell stories, theirs and patients (with the details changed for privacy). And they do it so well that I was drawn in and emotionally touched the whole book long.

Oh, and along the way, I had some minor insights--which is a major deal because I've been doing this heart work for 25+ years so having any new insights is rare anymore.

Highly recommended--even if you've read a lot of marriage books before.

[Kasia Hubbard · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Deep-Rooted Marriage is exactly what I thought it would be. Deep, thought provoking, well researched and yet down to earth to understand. Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Steve Call walk you through real life experiences of their marriage as well as other individuals to bring across their points of importance. Trauma comes in many forms, and I found the chapter that dove into this, especially when they really broke down the difference between emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse, extremely helpful. I found this book extremely helpful and one that I will definitely recommend to others. Highly worth it!
*I received a copy of this book from NetGalley. This review is my own opinion*

[Ryan George · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought the audio version of this book by Dan Allender and Steve Call when I found the hardback copy in an Amazon box I opened before looking at the shipping label. My wife had bought it for a woman in her ministry, but all I saw was my wife receiving a marriage book. I’m grateful for that accident. Allender and Call demonstrate the vulnerability they challenge readers to try. Their incredibly candid accounts from their own marriages give their assertions and advice more credence. The Jesus part of the manuscript isn’t leveraged for image management or dogma but as a winsome invitation into a richer life experience. Even if you don’t approach this book for advice, it’s worth its cost for the inspiration from the various poignant stories of the redemption of pain.

[Mike · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Do you want a deeply rooted marriage? Then come to the wedding feast broken and needy, just as those Jesus described... It's a lavish banquet of delights that is free to us all, because it came at the cost of another: Jesus,'The Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world'"

Easily one of the best books on marriage I've ever read. Right up there with Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. Full of grace, seasoned with salt, it never feels like a book with recommendations or habits to start to improve things; it is about the love of God and the work of his Holy Spirit in the life of the two people in the marriage, with the emphasis Allender (& Carr) bring about the importance of story and understanding our story and our spouses.

[Marinda Wise · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my umpteenth book on marriage, and it's sitting pretty in my top 5 favorites on the subject.
I love the thereputic authority (based on years of experience) overlapping the spiritual perspective.
This is a "Dig deeper" book that places a high value on the covenant of marriage and in doing so, it exposes root issues that can hinder the overall health of the tree (marriage).
There is a real sense of honesty and transparency from both authors, which I appreciate.
The chapter on blessing and cursing is powerful and applies to so many things.
I love th Celtic vows in the final pages -
"Ye are Blood of my Blood, and Bone of my Bone.
I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One.
I give ye my Spirit, 'til our Life shall be Done."
Highly recommend.