Pirates of the Retail Wasteland

by Adam Selzer

Leon and his miscreant buddies from the gifted pool are mad as hell, and they’re not going to take it anymore! Their favorite downtown coffeeshop, Sip–the only survivor in the barren moonscape of decrepit Old Downtown–is in danger of being run out of business by the ubiquitous and oh-so-corporate coffee chain, Wackford’s. Wackford’s doesn’t host readings or smell funky or support the arts the way Sip does–it’s basically a glorified office. With the help of the Wackford’s manager–a self-described “McHobo” who’s worked for every chain along the strip–Leon and his friends decide to protest by taking over the Wackford’s and making it into a middle-management office. Meanwhile, Leon deals with an unwanted crush, a Mohawked father, and his friend Dustin’s ongoing quest to take down the gym teacher via depressing poems. Nothing quite goes as expected, but that’s the great thing about life in the gifted pool.

Genres: Young Adult, Humor

197 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Adam Selzer blocked Goodreads on his computer for years but now he's on here, so let him have it. His first book was HOW TO GET SUSPENDED AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE (now available in a "Now With More Swearing") edition, his next one is PLAY ME BACKWARDS (for satanic young adults), and his best known is probably I KISSED A ZOMBIE AND I LIKED IT, a Twilight satire that was not marketed as a satire.

He also writes the SMART ALECK'S GUIDE series and has published a bunch of Chicago history/ghostlore books.

You can also find him under the name SJ Adams, the name he used for SPARKS: THE EPIC, COMPLETELY TRUE BLUE (ALMOST) HOLY QUEST OF DEBBIE, which won a Stonewall honor and made the YALSA popular paperback list.

Reviews

[Jennifer Wardrip · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reviewed by Michaela Pallante aka "Mickey" for TeensReadToo.com

Leon and his friends have a problem.

Just as they are assigned to come up with a monument for their gifted pool group, they learn a terrible truth. Their favorite coffee shop, Sip, could be going out of business.

Sip has been struggling against its big corporate competitor, Wackfords, another coffee chain downtown, and it's quickly losing the battle.

Leon and his friends don't like this and decide to take matters into their own hands. With some help from the Wackfords manager (who is surprisingly like Leon and his friends) they form a plan to save Sip.

However, you know what they say about even the best laid plans....

This book is smart and very, very funny. Readers will love going through this fight with Leon and find him as easy to relate to as a best friend.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adam Selzer I love you.

[Erin Mendoza · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a weird book and it just wasn't for me. The characters were 8th graders which kind of threw me and it didn't really go anywhere.

[Swankivy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked that Adam again nailed that whole "too smart for their own good" gifted pool culture (especially how the gym teacher was convinced it had to be one of them that was sending him depressing poetry), but even though I kinda thought the students were individually amusing, I didn't have much personal attachment to any of them. I was also kinda surprised that even the "BRING DOWN ALL THINGS CAPITALIST" Communist of the group didn't think it was a little tame to take over a coffeeshop with express permission and help from two of the workers. In the last book about Leon, his dad's wacky inventions somehow tied into the plot, whereas in this one Leon's dad kept up his harebrained ideas in such a way that it made me feel there wasn't much of a clearly-defined reason for him to be in the book as much as he was. I did chuckle at the literary references and I did appreciate that a lot of "bohemian" and "alternative" culture was given a nod in this book, but I often felt that these bits felt a little randomly inserted. Perhaps this was intentional since kids Leon's age often do sort of latch onto an aspect of culture and define themselves by it for a while as they learn to understand it. And finally, I was a little disappointed in Leon for having a main motivation of wanting to impress Anna. Sure he LIKED being a "pirate," but he committed to the idea when he felt it would make Anna think he was revolutionary enough. I would have liked some revelation of Leon's embracing of the cause for the cause's sake at some point. I'll wrap up by saying it held my attention and that the dialogue is well-written!

[Julie Decker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Leon's back for another round of goofiness with his friends from the gifted pool. There's a coffee shop they all like--called Sip--and it's the usual indie coffee shop, with readings and community involvement and not being run by Corporate Evil. And of course when Sip's business is threatened by Big Business in the form of Wackford's coffee shops, Leon and his allies decide to take it down (or at least make a point) through a demonstration. They may be able to save Sip if the right people listen. More importantly, Leon's anti-capitalist ways may actually impress Anna. . . .

I enjoyed some of the dialogue and uber-wittiness of the characters, and there's a sort of captured-and-distilled teenager feel about the characters (yes, that's a good thing). I remember the way especially bright kids would often grab onto one subject (like an author or a movie or a style of art) and fixate on it to make it theirs, incorporating its knowledge into their identity. This is explored very well in this book. There are two reasons I didn't enjoy it more, though, and they're pretty subjective. I didn't entirely believe the way they "took over" the Wackford's would plausibly demonstrate what they wanted it to, since it was done with the complete cooperation of some of its employees. And I didn't personally feel invested in the characters most of the time. People who like slightly off the wall, wacky plots with an indie-positive message are going to like this a lot, though. For me, it didn't become a favorite, but it entertained me.

[Jackie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of tongue-in-cheek, middle-school geeky humor is written all over the pages of Pirates of the Retail Wasteland. Leon and his other gifted-pool classmates are challenged to create a monument that has neglectfully been previously denied. In their wacky, stick-it-to-the-man sort-of way, the pool creates an (implied) monument to the slowly dying, beloved coffee shop, Sip. The corporate, cookie-cutter, glossy Wackford's Coffee House is overtaking the town of Cornersville Trace...and they aren't going to take it anymore!

So, they take over Wackford's on a snowy day, set up shop as an Accounting and Midlevel Management Strategies Office and manage to tick off virtually every customer that comes in the door, with the hopes of steering them in the direction of Sip's. Pirates of the corporate wasteland...AAARRGGG mateys!

Navigating the waters of the early teenage years, figuring out first love, and trying to stay afloat during their last year in middle school, these snarkily smart kids are delightful (but, don't tell them I said that). I just love that the adults in the book give these kids their due...and don't pat them on the head and say, "now, now...you know you can't do that!" We'd all love to have those kind of adults in our lives.

[Brandon Will · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is book two of a wonderful planned series that didn't get to become a series. It didn't sell enough copies, I guess. Didn't seem deserving of the P.R. push due possibly to lack of lusty emo vamps and/or classless upper-class gals. (And it doesn't help that the cover art looks like clip art in a second grade Phonics workbook from 1992.)

Nope, all you'll find here is a group of friends in eigth grade having some hi-jinks, making some memories, and fumbling through defining the things that are important to them. And you get a guy torn between the girl he likes and the girl who likes him. You know - the boring stuff we actually have to navigate through in our real lives that's actually really interesting and funny to look at.

There's a lot of fun and a lot of truth on these pages. I just wish there could've been more books, and more pages. Heck, Degrassi kids got to go to high school. I wish the kids from Cornersville Trace could've too.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fabulous book that makes you laugh out loud! Author Adam Selzer (www.adamselzer.com) really captures the mindset of 8th grade Leon, a gifted student planning a "pirate takeover" of the local chain coffee shop! At times very sarcastic and cynical, the book is extremely funny if you can relate to middle school angst sprinkled with occasional immaturity. The book feels fresh and contemporary. Unlike many YA books where parents are invisible or don't exist, Leon's parents are integral to the story - even adding an additional layer of humor. While the plot seems rather implausible from an adult perspective, it would be totally logical to a middle schooler. BOOKLIST: "Give this to fans of Bucking the Sarge by Christopher Paul Curtis (2004) who enjoy seeing smart, rule-breaking kids take on the adult world."

[Jim · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really enjoyed How to Get Suspended and Influence People, so I was looking forward to the sequel. Unfortunately, I came away feeling rather disappointed. How to Get Suspended had bite to it; the satire was razor sharp and the jokes were laugh-out-loud funny in places. Pirates, on the other hand, while still a pleasant light read, feels like just another run-of-the-mill teen comedy. Leon and his friends are still good characters, and they do have their moments in this book. However, neither they nor the author himself seemed to have as much of an emotional investment in their political "cause of the semester" this time around (chain stores and box stores putting mom-and-pop shops out of business), and it shows.

[Trina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A group of highly intelligent middle school weirdos decide to take over a thinly disguised Starbucks and turn it into a business office that does not serve coffee in an attempt to save their favorite indie coffeehouse (Sips) from going out of business. If offered the opportunity, I'm almost positive my own weirdo students would do the same thing.

I'm not quite sure it's appropriate to a middle school audience (there's enough smoochy stuff that it makes me nervous), but it's absolutely hilarious.

[Isaiah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Imagine in your town, the local stores you have grown up with and love are being taken over by nation-wide fast food chain restaurants. That’s what Leon, the main character of Pirates of the Retail Wasteland, sees. In the book you’ll see how he battles the threat of his town’s take over while also battling his gym teacher, and admirer. What Leon has in his head will show you the steps through his crazy adventure.
What i like about this book is that it has a very big truth to it. Old places that may have been unique to one area, are being taken over.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

Leon and the G&T clan take on the stripmallification of their small-town suburb. Selzer's voice is less big than other YA voices (Levithan, Green, Tashjian) though just as humorous and at times this seems like a less-powerful echo of Rob Thomas's Rats Saw God for a slightly newer YA crowd, but it's a pretty decent read and probably more enjoyable for actual teen guy readers. Traditional YA tropes about weird parents and useless/annoying teachers.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

While the plot wasn't terribly exciting it was cute. Selzer did a marvelous job of writing in such a way that as an adult it brought you back to the feelings the characters had. It drew you back to that awkward period of middle school or even high school when you're trying to find who you are and your crush seemed infinitely cooler than you and a glance could distract you for the rest of the day. I'd recommend if only for that reason.

[Meaghan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this was disappointing. I loved How to Get Suspended and Influence People but this sequel seemed like a watered-down repeat to me. It wasn't as funny or as well-plotted, and I found myself not really caring about their project or Leon's romantic woes. The book seemed to just peter out at the end.

[Erin Reilly-Sanders · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sequel to How to Get Suspended and Influence People, although since it's not clear, I read this one first. Fun, humourous, somewhat informative about the problems with new big box stores but mostly one sided. Not didactic as while the plot is about protesting the stores, the author leaves the reader to decide.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

group of gifted 8th graders set out to fight against the new chain stores running the small town stores out of business. good anti-consumer message and nice to see such smart kids. a few curse words, but pretty tame.

[Rachel]

Released April 8, 2008

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

The kind of book about smart-ass know it all teens that I would have loved as a smart-ass know it all teen. Fun humorous YA read.

[Trevorwright118 · Rating 5 out of 5]

two words for the author and the book. thee best

[Heather · Rating 2 out of 5]

I loved the premise, but the execution was not as great. Disappointing.

[Renegade Librarian Extraordinaire · Rating 5 out of 5]

In How To Get Suspended and Influence People, author Adam Selzer tackled the issue of Censorship. This second installment of the Leon Harris saga deals with the evils of "The Man" and the problem of Big Bad Corporations choking out the Little Guy. You know, all those Mom & Pop small businesses that are just SO much more awesome than their soulless Big Box counterparts.

If only these kids were around when not one, but TWO retail coffee chains barged uninvited into my town and jointly ran my favorite quirky little downtown coffee house, River Street Cafe, out of business. That was a sad, sad day indeed! River Street really did have the best coffee. Like, ever!(Their dark chocolate mint iced mocha was positively sinful) Now the only coffee available for purchase in my town is the overpriced, under-sized crap that tastes like it's been filter-brewed through a sweaty gym sock...or maybe soiled underpants. There is no love in that coffee. Is it any wonder I refuse to fulful my caffeination needs at either Big Box place. Sure I've saved hundreds, perhaps thousands, by buying and brewing my own coffee, but some days I would give just about anything for a River Street Treat. Perhaps not go so far as make a soul-trade deal with Stan (of Play Me Backward), but I'd be open to negotiating a fair trade of some sort. Of course, I may feel differently by the time Friday afternoon rolls around and I am rabid for something caffeinated and sweet to take the edge off the week's insanity.

Damnit! Now I want a Dark Chocolate Mint Iced Moca (with extra whip cream) from River Street. Stupid cravings.

This book also made me want to run amok sporting devil horns once again. And yes, I have done this thing. The year was 2003, and it was Halloween Month (yes, MONTH) at the small local newspaper I used to work for (this paper is yet another casualty of Big Business). Somehow former co-worker, Wendy, and I discovered we both owned a pair of horns. Not those cheap plastic ones from Halloween USA, but the cool clay ones one can buy at the Renaissance Festival. Don't ask how that topic of conversation came up. I don't know myself. But somehow we both learned we had said accessory and somehow we both agreed to bring them to work the following day and wear them around for the entire day. Yes. We followed through. In response, we got several strange looks, a couple compliments, and more than a few snickers. We also ended up scaring the crap out of one of the local nutjobs. You know, the sort who rants about the world ending in a ball of hellfire. Then he realized they were just costumes and gave us the stinkeye.

Ah memories...

Not that I would do this now. I mean, I don't even know where my horns are now. I've moved three times since I last saw them. And my cat Howard DID go through a kleptomaniac phase several years back. Of course the next Renaissance Faire is only about 4 months away. Perhaps I'll treat myself to a new pair so when the urge strikes...

Anyway, this book is awesome. You should read it!