By the Time You Read This: The Space between Cheslie's Smile and Mental Illness—Her Story in Her Own Words

by April Simpkins, Cheslie Kryst

By the Time You Read This is the story former Miss USA Cheslie Kryst was about to publish before her tragic suicide. Her mother, April, wraps up the narrative by exploring the mental illness and depression that took her daughter’s life.

The text read, “By the time you get this . . .” This is the story of Cheslie Kryst, a former Miss USA, in her own words.

When the world awoke on the morning of January 30, 2022, many were shocked to learn of the tragic death of former Miss USA Cheslie Kryst.

For most people, the news was unfathomable. How could a young woman in the prime of her life—a pageant queen, accomplished attorney, Extra correspondent, and tireless advocate for charity organizations—have been lost to the world so suddenly?

By the Time You Read This shares the manuscript Cheslie wrote before her passing, her story in her own words—from the highest highs of passing two bar exams, winning Miss USA, and beginning an exciting career as an entertainment journalist to the lowest lows of heartbreak, betrayal, and persistent depression.

When Cheslie’s mother, April Simpkins, picks up the narrative, she shares for the first time what she experienced in the aftermath of Cheslie’s suicide. When faced with such a devastating loss, how does a mother find a way to carry on?

Whether you are someone who struggles to maintain your mental health, or you love someone who does, this book will share insight into a reality that impacts thousands of families every year—as well as provide hope for those who are left behind.

Net proceeds from the book will be used to support the Cheslie C. Kryst Foundation, which is being founded in Cheslie’s honor.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Audiobook, Biography, Grief, Biography Memoir

221 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 23, 2024

Reviews

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Content Warning: Suicide

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988)

Crisis Text Line (741741)

4.5 Stars

I remember seeing Cheslie on Entertainment Tonight after she won Miss USA, when 3 title holder were Black Miss USA, Miss America, Miss Universe. I like most people don't keep up with pageants but it was cool that Black women had won 3 major pageants. I later remember seeing her on Extra occasionally and she seemed sweet and full of life. So I was obviously saddened to hear about her death in January of 2022.

By The Time You Read This, is Cheslie's story of her time as Miss USA and her mother published it because Cheslie asked her too in her suicide note. She wanted this out in the world so her mother April being a great mother did as told. This is a gut wrenching book and not because this book is sad. It's not a sad book. She doesn't mention her mental health really at all, other than some normal anxiety related to being a lawyer and Miss USA. It's sad because you can relate to her. You like her. You are rooting for her. You want her to achieve all her dreams....but she's gone. You want to see what she'll do next...but than you remember that she's not here anymore.

I think we need to talk about Suicide differently. We use terms like " Committed Suicide", "Decided to end their life", "Took their life". I think we should actually call it what it is They lost their life to Depression. When someone dies from Cancer we don't use language that blames them for their own death, we say the disease that killed them. Cheslie didn't commit suicide, she died from a terminal mental illness. I tend to have an unpopular opinion of suicide, I think that if you should be able to decide when to end your life. I've never been suicidal but I still want the option to end my life someday if thats what I want to do. I don't want to die and I've never thought about suicide, so I'm coming at this from a different place than some who lives with mental illness.

The saddest part of this book is the fact that she hidden her deteriorating mental health from everyone who could have helped her. She wrote that she was tired and just wanted to go be with God. One of the reasons I'm no longer Catholic was because we were taught that if you lose your life from mental illness you don't go to heaven. Even as a child that seemed awful. I have a very close family member who I fear will lose their battle with depression everyday and the thought that they would be punished in the afterlife is disgusting. Now I don't even believe in the afterlife anymore but if I'm wrong I hope Cheslie is with God and at peace.

This is a rough read not in content but just knowing that she wrote this while knowing she wouldn't be around to see it published.

Oh and one more thing FUCK YOU NYPD for telling The New York Post how Cheslie died before telling her mother. As usual the police are trash.

[Dawn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think the title is misleading. Mental illness or any hints Cheslie suffered with this is not apparent until April’s contribution to the end of the book. I wish there was more written by April actually. 3/4 of the book is all about beauty pageants. I wanted to know about Cheslie and her struggles with mental illness as the title alludes to.

[Samuel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just because they carry it well it doesn’t mean the weight isn’t heavy. Always check on your strong friends too. What an amazing person, this was heartbreaking and beyond inspiring..

Black mental health matters too!

[Louise Hulewsky]

Unsure how to rate this one. As a person who has struggled with mental illness since early childhood I can relate to the experiences shared in this book. Depression is a thief

[nish · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️ 5

I will preface this by saying I am extremely biased-I read this book the day it was delivered in one afternoon. I was eager to read this book when I first heard news of it being released. I have been a fan of Cheslie's since I watched her be crowned Miss USA. She served as a huge inspiration for me to embrace my curly hair. News of her tragic death was shocking and has stuck with me since it happened. I've read many comments stating "would anyone care if she wasn't beautiful and accomplished" and while I think comments like these are understandable, Cheslie's story is a reminder that the assumptions and projections society places onto people aren't always valid. I connected a lot with Cheslie in terms of being a perfectionist and high achieving Black woman who also struggles with imposter syndrome, negative self-talk, and insecurities that can have a huge impact on how you see yourself vs how everyone else sees you. Her death has impacted me tremendously as I think about and imagine the profound pain she must have been experiencing.

Her story is beautifully written. I really appreciated the exploration of her feelings behind some of the biggest moments in her life. Moments we may have watched and couldn't have imagined she was battling insecurities during. I found my eyes watering as she mentioned comments she would make to herself or how hard she would on herself at times, as I found deep connections to this. Her story made me feel connection-connection to someone I didn't know but was highly inspired by. Someone that I saw as incredibly beautiful and successful but also had mental health struggles. I remember after her passing being shocked because I had just seen a Tik Tok of hers a few days before. I remember saying "she seemed so happy, I never would have guessed she was battling with depression" I appreciate her willingness and her mother's strength to share her story because I believe this will touch so many and will save lives. Normalizing mental health struggles and being brave enough to share yours. In a world where we have to appear as if we "have it all together" it is so important to see that we all have struggles. I commend her for writing her story and my heart hurts thinking about all the other lessons we could have learned from this incredible woman. I am taking away so much from this book and will recommend it to anyone who listens.

[Ernest · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book contains two sections. The first section is an autobiography of an individual driven for success and conscience of the societal and political environment in which she lived. It is a very entertaining exposure of the beauty pageant industry. However, Kryst does not write about her mental health challenges and thus her story is incomplete.

The second section in written by her mother. She painfully details the death of her child and how she now moves forward to help others.

The book is a good choice for a book club or parent/teenager shared reading experience.

[Candice · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone who was profoundly shaken when Cheslie killed herself - a smiling beauty queen so deeply depressed that she not only died by suicide but did so by inflicting such violence on her body by her means of suicide - I was really hoping to learn more about her from her. I did find the stories about pageants and her life interesting and a good read.

The title and press around this book suggest she talks about her depression and mental illness. She does not. Only at the end does her mom share the last text she sent, and she pours her heart out. And absent knowing in advance what happens, it would have felt like a cruel twist from an unreliable narrator.

She is candid about her feelings of inadequacy and not belonging, but not the deep unbearable sadness and hopelessness she later shares with her mom. Certainly nothing about an earlier suicide attempt. In a way, it’s haunting how she writes about being happy and overcoming challenges all while knowing what she was battling. It was her story to share, so I am not critical of her words, and instead the title and marketing. Her mom’s account is wrenching and heartbreaking- but very short (less than 30 pages) and the only place where we learn of what little Cheslie did share with her mom. Cheslie’s account ends two years before her death making the reader wonder what happened during those years?

Still, I’m glad I read it and learned about a woman that lived a short but extraordinary life.

[Amy]

Impossible to rate as it is basically a su*c*de letter. Heartbreaking, unexpectedly down to earth, and incredibly relatable.
"We must get beyond surface-level pleasantries and social media-filtered presentations of people's lives."
We really, really must.

[Joann Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I expected. Mainly discusses Cheslie's pageants and her reign. The last 2 Chapters are by her mother and talk about the grief her mother felt after losing her daughter to suicide, which I'm sure was overwhelming but it's not what I expected. There was nothing about her struggle which I can understand if she was dealing with functional depression, but what about how her family coped and what supports they felt made a difference. Most of her mother's story was about shutting others out which I believe some people have to do but how do you go on? And if you don't want to share that, why tell the story? What about her father, her step parents, her siblings? How did they cope? I'm sure she was a wonderful person but I feel it's important to tell her story.

[Dee Dee G · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who has suffered from depression off and on since childhood, masking it and keeping it from people takes a tremendous amount of protecting that secret from the world. Sometimes the most happiest and most positive humans are secretly hurting and feel an overwhelming amount of dread everyday. Cheslie shared her story the way she wanted and no one can tell from her words that she suffered from depression in most of the book. The message she left to her mom before she died is absolutely heartbreaking. When someone makes up their mind that they don’t want to be here anymore they will make sure that will happen. I follow her mom April on Instagram and admire how she’s using this unbearable pain to help others.

[kiriahsbookshelf · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a heartbreaking read but I feel it was necessary. I’m so glad Chelsie was able to tell her story via her Mom.

This book was real and raw. I really enjoyed this read.

It was so filled with emotions and I caught myself getting teary eyed as I listened especially when her mom part came. So so sad.

Kinda hard to do reviews on books such as this so I’ll stop here. ❤️

[Lackof_shelf_control · Rating 5 out of 5]

‼️ TW: suicide & depression ‼️

This book is heavy and I don’t recommend to everyone because of the potentially triggering content. I cried through the whole book.

The first half of the book she wrote herself and I don’t think you entirely see the pain she was in. You get glimpses of it, but I feel like she was so used to putting on a brave face and this is what we were seeing. I saw other reviews complaining about how the book was “misleading”, but I think it beautifully illustrates how pain can be hidden and how depression does not discriminate. There is also a lot of talk about pageants, so I don’t think everyone is the right audience to fully embrace how powerful this. As a former titleholder, the pageantry aspect was insightful and truly depicted how unglamorous the job can be.

The second half is written by her Mom and explains the day the world lost Cheslie and how it has affected everyone moving forward. It also highlights her Mom turning her grief into a positive cause for mental health awareness. Seeing the words written on her goodbye letter is powerful and vulnerable to even be included in this book.

This book weighs heavy on my heart and I tear up just thinking about her. I hope her soul is at peace and I applaud her Mom for her strength. Rest in Power Cheslie 🕊️

If you are in need of emotional support please reach out to the national mental health hotline :

Call 988
https://988lifeline.org/

[Tracy GH · Rating 4 out of 5]

Depression is such a thief.

This story brought home the truth that we just never know the depths of someone’s sadness and struggles. They can seem to have it all and be barely holding it together.

More sadly, suicide will impact us all, at one point in our lives. All of these stories need to be told, to make us aware and empathetic.

RIP Cheslie Kryst. 🙏🏻

[CatReader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cheslie Kryst (1991-2022) was Miss USA 2019, and also a social media influencer, lawyer, fashionista, former collegiate athlete, and a person who struggled privately with depression who ended her life at the age of 30, not long after her reign as Miss USA ended. The first ~90% of this book is a memoir she wrote that reminded me a lot of fellow biracial Black young woman Elaine Welteroth's memoir More Than Enough: Claiming Space for Who You Are, where she highlighted the most memorable parts of her pageant experience, told relatable stories about her struggles, and sought to inspire others to strive for their ambitions. Though Kryst doesn't address her mental health except in veiled remarks and reading between the lines in her memoir (particularly where she talks about her diet and body image), I got the sense she was very much a perfectionist, had very high expectations of herself, and was her own worst critic, often perseverating on her regrets and how she could have worked harder to succeed if she could get do-overs.

The last ~10% of the book, as well as the introduction, is written by Kryst's mother, April Simpkins, about the aftermath of Kryst's death. Kryst and Simpkins were very close, and Simpkins writes candidly about the extent of her grief. She also tells a fuller story of her daughter's struggles with depression and the fear of disclosing her private battles publicly during her Miss USA tenure, due to the stigma and pushback she could face.

Kryst wanted her book published posthumously to potentially benefit others struggling privately from mental illness. I think this is a great reminder of how people can portray their life as perfect and inspirational on the outside (and these days, on social media), but inwardly the reality is starkly different.

My statistics:
Book 227 for 2024
Book 1830 cumulatively

[Book Reviews by Tara aka Queen of Memoirs]

I didn’t rate this memoir because I simply cannot do it. This book is about the lesson. And the lesson cannot be rated🙏🏽.

The most important lesson I learned from this book is…
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CHECK ON YOUR STRONG FRIENDS!
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When it comes to mental health I often hear people say, “Check on your strong friends.” Cheslie’s story shows us why this statement is so true. This book allowed me to see just how convincing someone who is struggling with suicidal tendencies can be. Cheslie was the epitome of a strong woman. Yet, she showed no signs that she was battling mental illness. As I read each page and took in each of her accomplishments, I had to remind myself that this Division I track star, civil litigation attorney, Miss USA who also placed in the top 10 of the Miss Universe pageant, and 𝘌𝘹𝘵𝘳𝘢 news correspondent…sadly jumped to her death💔.
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I put off reading this book for a while. I thought it was going to be too depressing. But surprisingly it wasn’t.
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The book contains two parts:
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𝗣𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗢𝗻𝗲 𝗖𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗹𝗶𝗲’𝘀 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆:
In part one (13 Chapters) Cheslie shares her experiences as Miss USA 2019. She walks us through her life from high school, through college, law school and as a practicing attorney. All this takes place as she prepares for the Miss USA pageant. She writes about what it was like being an African American woman on the pageant circuit. It was an inspiring story. I was so proud of all that she accomplished. Yet, I couldn’t cheer for her because I know all of it came at a price. A price no person should have to pay.
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Throughout the entire book she never once let on that she was suffering from depression. She never mentioned that she had once before attempted suicide. The only time she briefly mentions anything affecting her mental wellbeing was when she spoke of her breakup with her longtime boyfriend Justin. And even then it didn’t come off as extreme. It seemed like the normal emotions a young woman feels after a breakup.
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Cheslie’s part of the book was not sad at all. As a matter of fact, aside from knowing her tragic fate, I found her part of the book inspirational. A good story.
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𝗣𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗔𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗹’𝘀 𝗦𝘁𝗼𝗿𝘆:
April is Cheslie’s mother. Her part of the story consists of three short chapters at the end of the book. It is in her part we learn that Cheslie has committed suicide.
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April details the morning this tragic event took place. She shares a portion of the text message Cheslie sent to her just before she jumped. The title of this book, “By The Time You Read This” is how Cheslie began the last text she wrote to her mother. It states, “First, I’m sorry. By the time you get this, I won’t be alive anymore…” HEARTBREAKING😢. April also tells how Cheslie suffered from mental illness throughout her life. She writes about the pain of losing her “baby girl”. This part of the book broke my heart. I was glad it was only three short chapters because I was near tears while reading it. My heart goes out to April.
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This memoir was extremely eye opening. It allowed me to see how someone can flourish in life, yet suffer so deeply on the inside.
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All I can say is…
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PLEASE CHECK ON YOUR STRONG FRIENDS. Just because they look well put together and their social media displays beautiful pics of a happy person does not mean they are not struggling with suicidal thoughts. If someone goes M.I.A, reach out to them. Ask how they’re doing. Let them know that you care. Let them know that they are not alone.

[Kate Harms Bogus · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m not really sure what to say about this book. Chelsie wrote about a key part of her life that she wanted…yet that part wasn’t the whole story. She was struggling with severe depression and mental illness and yet she didn’t share any part of that. You learned about it in part two of the book written by her mom.

I will say it took me back a bit when I saw all the pictures of her mom included - that felt really disingenuous to me. The book is supposed to be about Chelsie not April. And the pictures included of April didn’t really seem to fit the book.

[Jenna Diaz · Rating 5 out of 5]

A devastating and necessary read. To read her thoughts through her words was a real look into what living with depression looks like. I’m grateful she wrote this and hope it helps others the way it helped me.

[Hilary · Rating 3 out of 5]

Three stars, because I didn’t learn anything new about Cheslie. I saw shadows of each story from this book in her social media and in articles before/after her death. Also, her mother’s portion of this novel did feel rushed to me.

[Nicole Fye · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an important read. I didn’t know much about pageantry and what all it encompasses, so I was shocked to read about how busy and stressful pageantry life is behind the scenes. Cheslie had a strong voice and likeable, hard working personality that is evident throughout her autobiography. Knowing what happened to her gives this book a haunting quality and made me really read between the lines of what she was saying. The second part of the book from her mom’s perspective is crushing, but her message is so important. I read this in a day because it was so captivating, but it is a heavy read.

[Emily Keller · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first 75% of this book is an inside look into the writers experiences in national pageants & reign as Miss USA. She speaks of the pressures, excitement and pain she felt as she walked through these experiences. The later of this book was written by her mom, depicting her suicide and the ripple effects it had on their community.
A sobering read but an important one

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

My tears felt like they would never end. I would never have heard of this woman except that my friend recommended this book. Beauty pageants interest me as much as watching an apple rot. So I’m really glad I heard about her. This morning, I saw a post on Instagram yelling at people to take control of their lives and overcome depression with exercise. That was someone who was insensitive and inexperienced in clinical depression. No one the pain another Is undergoing, and this book underscored that very beautifully. I urge people who are in despair to reach out. There is always someone who will want to listen. And I’m so deeply sorry that this bright and lovely woman lost in the end, that the world lost her in the end.

[Joms · Rating 1 out of 5]

For a book that claims to be about a person who has been struggling with depression, I kept waiting to hear about it. Until you get to the last chapter, when April mentions that her daughter had depression, the story is about a strong Confident Woman navigating the ups and downs of peagent world. There was no mention of any depression in Cheslie's story. So in the end, when April mentions that her daughter has been struggling with depression for entire life, I walked away with a feeling that the memoir was written by Cheslie to hide her struggles with depression. It was not an honest memoir by Cheslie.

[Sofia Waiser]

After some thought, I concluded that this book is impossible to rate. It is beautifully written and, at the same time, jarring to know such a person with such a light has passed. I hope April finds comfort and peace knowing that sharing her daughter‘s story may save someone’s life. Even though Cheslie may not have always recognized it, she was an incredible woman, and I consider it a privilege to have read her story.🫶🏽

[Jennifer Brooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking but necessary story to be told. Thank you Chelsea for leaving this for the countless people suffering from depression daily. You never know what someone is carrying behind their smile.

Suicide hotline - 988

[Alyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

So thankful April told her daughter’s story. I hope this book helps those who struggle with depression and anxiety - 1 in 5, you are not alone. I loved how the first part was all Cheslie’s view/life, and the second part was April’s story. I wish I could hug her, as a mother I just can’t imagine her loss.❤️‍🩹

[Meghan Mayllen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the honor of seeing Cheslie speak during her 2019 Miss USA tour with Dress for Success Ultimate Power Luncheon in Charlotte. I kept thinking to myself how amazing it was to see such a smart and talented hard working woman representing Charlotte and the state of North Carolina. I was saddened to see the news of her passing in January 2022 remembering her incredible light that day in Charlotte. She did so much great advocacy for Dress for Success, which as she said in the book was near and dear to her heart and helps so many women. This book is so important for mental health and to read Cheslie’s story and then her moms was hard but important. Everyone is fighting their own battles that we don’t know about. Check on your friends and family.

April spoke at the Ultimate Power luncheon in Charlotte 2022 after Cheslie’s death. Her tireless work on sharing Cheslie’s story and advocating for mental health is wonderful. I will be recommending this book to many people.

[Jackie Goebel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is heartbreaking, but so needed. Depression is a thief. Memoirs are always hard to rate. Rating this a 5 because of the importance of the message. It might not be what you expect to read based on the summary of the book, but it is their story and they get to tell it in their own way.

Based on the summary of the book, in Cheslie’s section I expected to hear her talk about her mental health struggles more directly. But as she talked about her life, you could see her desire for perfection and the pressure she felt. From personal experience of loving someone with persistent depression, people who deal with depression can be very good at keeping it all inside while others have no idea how bad things really are - which is evident from Cheslie’s writing and also then how her mom describes things about Cheslie’s death. Her mom’s writing gutted me because that reality is a real fear of mine, but her bravery in sharing her story is so, so important.

[Margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember hearing about Chelsie jumping to her death. I was saddened when I learned about the news and I always wondered why. I am so glad that her mother wrote the afterword and she talked about her grief and how she coped. I would suggest this book for anyone who has thought about suicide or lost someone to suicide.

[Bluebelle-the-Inquisitive (Catherine) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cheslie didn’t do this to me, or to anyone else. She felt unimaginable pain and needed that pain to stop. That is the struggle of many people battling persistent mental depression. — April Simpkins

Warnings: suicide, depression, domestic abuse

You need to go into this with your eyes open. This isn’t a biography/autobiography, it’s a memoir. This is Cheslie Kryst writing about her time in the pageant scene and the mental illness it exasperated. I also think you need to be aware that this is something of an unaliving note to the world, yes she was already in the process of getting it published but it doesn’t feel like that. I read this for much of the same reason I think I read When Breath Becomes Air it is bearing witness to someone's final testimony before they are gone, what they wanted the world to see. However, both Paul Kalanithi and Cheslie are extremely interesting.

Cheslie Kryst was an extremely intelligent, strong, feministic woman who will be missed greatly. Her work as a criminal justice advocate, volunteer work for Dress for Success and an advocate for modernising the pageant world improved all her dissipate worlds. I will never judge anyone who unalives themselves, you cannot understand her life until you have walked in their shoes. Her mother, April Simpkins, is a wonderful woman herself who honoured her daughter's wishes and let us see this snapshot into a very private woman's life. My thanks to Emana Rachelle for her work narrating this audiobook and bringing Cheslie to life for me. Her voice was perfect and got the tone and inflections in the right places. I hope that April was pleased with the choice to use Emana. I am very glad that April chose to tell some of her story and narrate it herself. Her pain is palpable, her depression and grief palpable. Her last messages to people suffering with persistent mental illness feel more direct as she narrates it. I am very glad I chose to listen to this rather than read it, I think reading it could have been a slog but I could listen to it in a single day (manageable at 6 hours).

Some thoughts in lieu of of better review. I find it hard to do a quality review on an audiobook, I take fewer notes.

There is a wonderful discussion of the place of pageants in the modern era in chapter 8. She discusses it in relation to the male and the female gaze and brings lingerie shows into the discussion as well using SAVAGE x FENTY (inclusive, designed for the female gaze and sex-positive) and Victoria’s Secret (the good old boys club, the male gaze and sexually objectifying). She wants the pageants to move towards the SAVAGE x FENTY route to include more diverse women and have minorities win more often. They had started but progress by highlighting the accomplishments of the wonderful contestants (Cheslie herself was a practising attorney, her close friend at the competition Victoria was an urgent care nurse and the runner-up was an accountant) was slow. Highlighting the changes the pageant management have made was one thing she advocated for during her reign. Pageant fans want change management needs to change with it.

Her thoughts on Donald Trump when asked “Would you have competed in the Miss America pageant if Donald Trump still owned it” are well informed. We get to her real answer, not the “I don’t know” she provides the interviewer to avoid anything being misconstrued. It’s a lot more complicated than you would think but her answer is a yes she would because it is about advancement in her short pageant career window. But even the non-answer was used for clickbait.

Listening to Cheslie talk about her relationship ups and downs was something. She was badly hurt by Justin, gaslit and cheated on. She speaks to women trapped in emotionally abusive relationships. He never hit her but if this highly educated and put-together woman can get caught in a relationship with a bad choice in men? The isolation is hard to listen to. The introvert in me related to a lot of what she was saying about singledom.

Chesile was a part of what she called the start of the black legacy with all six major pageant titles being held by black women at once in 2019. However, the photoshoot discussed only includes three of them. Miss USA Cheslie (North Carolina)
• Miss America Nia Imani Franklin (New York)
• Miss Teen USA Kaliegh Garris (Connecticut)
• Miss United States Alexia Robinson (Missouri)
• Miss World Toni-Ann Singh (Jamacia)
• Miss Universe Zozibini Tunzi (South Africa)

The Miss Universe pageant, something that has been a huge build up for the narrative to date, is sort of over in a rush. Cheslie picks at her mistake, a time we really see her mental demons. She doesn’t mention her gorgeous national costume or the good that came out of it which makes me sad. Right after this we get a discussion of the sisterhood of the Miss USA winners made me smile, it was a perfect replacement for a sorority for her. It felt a helluva lot less bitchy than one though.

Oh Cheslie… I knew how she died but not the perfect clusterf*ck of timing. Cheslie was Miss USA 2019 her reign should have ended on 2 May 2020, right in the middle of the virus that shall remain unnamed. Listening to Cheslie talk about that in New York from her 6th ave apartment. Her family in the Carolinas were far less impacted initially. It was hard for her and Zozi who she was at that point sharing an apartment with, neither of them got Covid. That apartment is bigger than my house (3 bed, 3 bath with an office, foyer, full living, dining rooms and a full kitchen). They were both getting paid full salaries. BLM was something she was involved in, as was right. The sisterhood of chapter 12’s title is as much her as Zozi as they got each other through the pandemic. She ended up being Miss USA for 517 days, before handing her crown to Missippi’s Asya Branch another woman of colour.

She wanted to host some or all of the Miss USA or Miss Teen USA events, using them as a proper way to end her reign and start her new career as an entertainment reporter. It was a way perfect way to end it. The way she talks about her reign ending is almost with relief, like she survived it to a degree. Or it could just me that she had lost the weight of the extremely heavy and awkward to place just so crown on her head. Part 1 ends as her pageant career and subsequently her life does, two years later.

I’m glad Cheslie wrote this memoir she is relatable as a woman regardless of demographic. It is a fascinating perspective on the pageant world, work pressures, race and mental health. And all her intelligent side stories gave me pause. I find proper words to review this so once again this is some paragraph of thoughts on single sections I made notes on as I was listening.

Part 2 is April's story as read by her. It is three chapters and about an hour of the audiobook (Cheslie’s Part 1 is about five). It's been a while since I cried as hard as I did listening to the last 3 chapters of this. April's story is an emotional ride and I'm exceptionally glad she included it alongside completed Cheslie's memoir.

30 Jan 2022. Cheslie sent a message to her “First, I’m sorry. By the time you get this, I won’t be alive anymore, and it makes me even more sad to write this because I know it will hurt you the most.” I cried ugly tears. The text message is one of the most painful things I’ve heard in a while. As much as April’s words hurt, as much as listening to her struggling to function hurts, Cheslie's last words made me cry. It was painful. Because she released all the things there we had only seen hints of in the body of the memoir. David is a wonderful husband that feels necessary to say. To watch your wife fall apart like that and being able to help her is devastating.
Cheslie had a life-unending attempt when she was 24 (2015), it was with painkillers. Paige is Cheslie’s older sister and her “second Mom” she can talk to Cheslie when April can’t. April and Cheslie shared everything, except the truth of her mental health and her mental illness.
I am so f*cking angry at the police. How dare they lie to the family about medics being on scene for 3 FUCKING HOURS! And then feed information to a paper rather than talking to her family, especially the person she obviously deemed the most important in the world.

People call us pageant girls fake. Our blinding white smiles, big hair and ever-present positivity, and act assembled to earn shallow and meaningless recognition. People also assume that their work distinguishes them from the parade of tall, slender, crown-donning women they envision when they talk about pageants.

None of that is true. Every one of us has practised a little pageantry in our lives. We call it sportsmanship when we shake hands with the team that defeated us in a basketball tournament. It’s labelled professionalism when we relegate outright anger at coworkers to passive-aggressive emails with the boss copied on the chain. The pageant wave after a win is the same one I’ve seen politicians use after a victory speech in front of a crowd, hand to the sky waving at everyone and no one. Sometimes holding their suit jacket closed with the opposite hand, the same way I gripped my bouquet of flowers in front of me when I won Miss USA. — Cheslie Kryst

This is the national costume Cheslie wore for the 2019 Miss Universe. I love it so much. Not only is it perfectly America, Much better than what Australia comes up with 90% of the time, but I thought of Sandra Bullock when I saw it. For me, Miss Congeniality was my introduction to the existence of pageants.

[Books & Basta]

If you are interested in learning about the human experience related to mental health then you may want to read this book. This is a true story that underpins the individual and collective nature of what battling mental illness was like for an accomplished young woman, including the perspective of her mother and her experience in the aftermath of Cheslie's suicide. While the memoir leaves unanswered questions related to Cheslie’s deeper thoughts and feelings regarding her emotional journey, such is the nature of persistent depression. The narrative explores a deeper emotional intimacy and vulnerability through the lens of Cheslie’s mother which provides readers with her raw perspective of her daughter’s battle with mental illness.

Net proceeds from the book will be used to support the Cheslie C. Kryst Foundation, which is being founded in Cheslie's honor.