冲突的勇气

by Jayson Gaddis

【回避冲突，换不来和谐的关系，只会在自己内心发动战争；敢于冲突，才能捍卫自我边界，停止内耗，让关系更亲密， 冲突避坑指南+勇气修炼手册+关系进阶宝鉴，助你在冲突中无畏做自己，收获真感情】

害怕冲突是人之常情，为了避免冲突，我们常常忍气吞声，委屈讨好对方，或把自己封闭起来。但回避冲突不仅换不来和谐的人际关系，还会在自己的内心发动战争，让自己置身于尴尬、愤怒、委屈、恐惧、后悔的狂轰滥炸中。因此，我们需要敢于直面人际交往中的各种冲突。 在本书中，作者将心理学、神经生物学和人际动力学等学科编织在一起，通过生活化的案例、亲身经验以及各种行之有效的工具，向读者展示了，如何在不委屈、不内耗的情况下，解决因意见不合、童年投射、安全感缺失、价值观差异以及内心积怨带来的冲突，拥有更亲密、更有意义的关系。

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Marriage, Audiobook, Leadership

382 pages, Paperback

First published October 5, 2021

Reviews

[Rachel Anning · Rating 5 out of 5]

A user guide for humans! An incredibly powerful book IF you do the work. Jayson has delved deeply into finding out what makes for great relationship. From therapy and neurobiology, to relational studies and developmental psychology. Standing on the shoulders of giants Jayson has learned from the best and studied with many of the Greats. There's not a stone left unturned. A veritable wealth of experience in here, nuggets of gold from decades of study, and self-experimentation, all presented in a graspable way. He's filled the book with analogies and examples that help remind us of the tools. There are useful action points at the end of each chapter to help us integrate the lessons. There is no fantasy offered here, no illusion of it being easy, no shortcuts. A roadmap that if navigated together, will lead through trials and discomfort to some kinda fabulous (one that embraces conflict and difficult conversations all the way). To top it off, Jayson admits, even though he and his partner are deeply embedded in this work they still face issues and annoyances (often)... there's something fabulously human and realistic about that. No fantasy of perfection. The realness of a dance that might well include the occasional foot-stomper or fall. But a dance that has grace and kindness and moments of magic.

[Selin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do all the workshops. It helps

[Fia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Must-Read for Everyone

As I mature, I increasingly notice that people often talk at you rather than with you. In the midst of conflict, many listen merely to respond instead of striving to understand. “Getting to Zero” offers specific tools to facilitate meaningful conversations and collaborative problem-solving in high-stakes relationships.

One particularly valuable feature of this book is the accompanying PDF worksheet, which readers can fill out to apply the concepts in their own lives. Overall, this is an excellent read for anyone looking to improve their communication and conflict resolution skills. It helped me realize how I could communicate effectively as well.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Feeling like everyone should read this book before getting into a long-term relationship or any sort of long-term friendship honestly. It had great insight on communicating with family, friends, and partners. I think it's so important to remember that everyone has things they carry with them, and it's our job to do the work to come to terms with those things. This book did a great job of explaining how it is not anyone else's job to "fix" the parts of you that others broke. I really enjoyed the advice in this book, but especially the last third of the book!

[enchantingprose · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very informative and easy to follow. I liked how he broke things down by conflict and explained triggers. I would recommend this book to anyone looking for personal growth

[Les Reynolds · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of good stuff. Somewhat overly passionate and pushy.

[Aaron Warren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Edit because I didn't realize how new this book was/is when I read it.

What if you have just "let something go" or your partner never comes back to finish the argument once it starts. How can you recognize when your scared animal takes over and you need a break to not damage your relationship with harsh words that don't even address the heart of the matter. When should you make a decision that a relationship isn't worth saving? All of these concepts are talked about in this book with action steps to help improve them.

There are a lot of really good action steps, the author even states it is best when read with a group or another person to help make it actionable.

I checked out the audiobook via my library, and really liked it, but would suggest getting a hard copy or digital so you can go back and reference what is written and will help with setting up the exercises (though the audio book does a good job with the word pictures it creates)

It definitely opened my eyes to ways I have as well as my significant other have been interacting and why we haven't always been effective at conflict.

[Ariel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fabulous! Cant wait to use these practices. One star off only because in the audiobook, the author would not stop telling me to pull the car over.

[Cody Northup · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not Bad

For the most part this book isn’t bad. I feel that it started off much stronger than it finished but that also could be because it wasn’t quite what I was looking for. There were also some questionable conversation tactics towards the middle-end that I don’t agree with and if people spoke to me that way I would become more irritated.

I always want to find some positivity to take away from books though so here are some good things from this book:

1. If addressed in a healthy way, followed by “getting back to zero,” conflict in any relationship is an opportunity to build and create a deeper and more genuine connection.

2. When we can move out of the “valley of victimhood” and into the “author” mindset we create an opportunity for growth and genuine connection.

3. “Until your values around conflict change, you won’t change, and it will be hard to “find” your True Self.”

4. In order to increase your comfort with conflict you need to increase your “emotional discomfort threshold.” (I felt this was solid advice and completely agree. It falls a part a little bit when he tries to explain HOW to increase your emotional comfort threshold.)

5. Accept your differences, including different values.

[Jung]

When you’re in conflict with someone who’s one of your high-stakes relationships, get to zero by understanding how to listen and speak during conflict. Understand how you and the other person react during conflict, using NESTR meditation to help you deal with your own feelings. Then, by recognizing roadblocks to reconciliation and easing conflict by making agreements, you can get to zero faster.

Actionable advice:

Get outside help.

If you’re finding it difficult to get to zero with your partner, consider getting outside help. Facilitated sessions with a trained couples therapist will help you both move forward. Make sure you’re both willing participants – if you or your partner isn’t fully onboard, there’s not a therapist in the world who can help you. And while you shouldn’t expect miracles if you’ve been bottling up issues for years, even though it may take some time, your therapist can help you get to zero.

[Becky S · Rating 4 out of 5]

Getting to Zero by Jayson Gaddis

Thank you to HachetteGo for a gifted copy.

“The crux of good, strong, long-lasting relationships is the ability and willingness to work through conflict.”

Getting to Zero is an easy to read self-help book offering guidance in decreasing both inner and interpersonal conflict. This book follows a formula of introducing a new concept, clearly explaining the terminology and then illustrating with pertinent examples. At the end of each chapter there are “Action Steps” to complete. The author is adept at simplifying complex psychological teachings to make them more accessible. Personal anecdotes and humor are interspersed throughout.

Read this book if you:

*Are feeling stuck in your relationships
*Want to find better ways to work through conflict
*Appreciate use of metaphors, acronyms and diagrams

[Hilary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Initially, the author sounded like the type of smug, egotistical guy I try to avoid in life. I really appreciated him, sharing his journey to becoming a more evolved man. I find that rating my conflicts on a scale of 1 to 10 according to urgency and intensity is extremely helpful. However, his eight step process for conflict. Resolution can be a bit excessive for every day use. Overall, this book has easy to follow, practical instructions for how to approach conflict and communicate effectively.

[Hannah Talley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't recommend this book enough. I started off by listening to the podcast The Relationship School. Jayson Gaddis just had a way of explaining things I enjoyed so I gave his book a try. It was a challenge, I was expecting to finish in a shorter time span, not close to 8 months. But I took the work seriously, and like any new skill, that takes time and practice. I completed most exercises and got something out of each one. I'll be referencing this book again and again when I run into conflict because I feel like it truly helps identify what's going on after the reaction of the moment.

[Dwi Meiviandari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this book as a cure to my breakup. I’ve notice I repeated the same pattern and noticed that there’s something I have to do with my conflict resolution. I google books about conflict, but so far this books resonates me the most. I did all the workshops and exercises. It helped me understand the reason why conflicts are so scary and how do we actually solve them. The tools are very detailed and easy to understand, and I’m looking forward to share it with my friends (I bought more copies because mine is already full with personal writings). Very much recommended.

[Keets · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mostly finished this months ago but just got around to reading the conclusion. What I found helpful was the discussion around needs, taking ownership of your role in conflict, and actively and consistently finding ways to repair. Some of this felt repackaged from countless other experts, but the simple model is useful for daily reminders.

Oh, and by the way, conflict is still hard for me, but if I take Gaddis’ approach, then I should remind myself that it’s a growth process.

[vijayan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned a lot of things. The main aspect is change should come from our side first. When you want change from other people then always weightage how much it impacts them. If it is easy to change they won't get triggered but not then resentment will start. Also sometimes it is good to move away from certain people whose value and our value gets more conflict than benefits but it will be a last resort one.

[Christy Cirone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book!! I’ll need to read it again and kind of with I had a hard copy so I could mark it up! Its really a must read if you want to improve your relationships, especially the “high stake” ones in your life. I can already see the difference in how I’m approaching hard conversations and the outcomes I’m getting.

[Mikky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good information

Part 3 was super helpful. I wish I would’ve known a lot of this information earlier in life! Although the personal stories and anecdotes might be helpful for some I found myself wanting to skip over some of those parts and “get to the good stuff”.

[Haley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love Jason’s podcast so of course I had to check out his book. Such a great book with so many tips and tools for working through conflict in your life. I think the physical book would be better than the audiobook as there are action steps at the end of each chapter.

[Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this book on audio and I do not think that was the best way to consume this particular book. There are many exercises in it. I think it would be more effective to read a physical copy of this book and journal the exercises as you go.

[Arie van Gemeren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book. Good content throughout. The activities at the end of each chapter were helpful and challenging. I would recommend this book to literally anyone I know because everybody is an amateur at handling conflict, and we all have it.

[sally phillips]

Recommended by a friend. I can honestly say this book would be helpful in any situation…professionally, personally, educationally. The tools provided are clear, the questions at the end of the chapter are truly helpful in providing insight.

[Christine Stiff · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must for anyone who struggles with any relationship. Pretty much all of us!

[Ron Vereggen · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book that I've read on how to build positive relationships! I will be referring back to this book for years.

[Gabriele · Rating 5 out of 5]

The more I read it, the more I liked it.

[Synthia Salomon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Resolving conflict requires you to be hands on: reflect on your own role in the conflict and use that as a springboard to start a conversation.

[Carlee Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the kind of niche content I was looking for… tons of actionable steps and explanations

[Carly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting tips in this book, may need to look for info on the charts as I listened to the book.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book on conflict and the struggle of negative cycles. I wish I had this book back in High School as a manual for life.

[Doralie Gale · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful book for navigating conflict in a respectful, differentiated way.