Ghosts Aliens

by Trey Hamburger

Are you freaked out by the mere thought of a bird winking at you? Or do you panic when you hear an unexplained gurgling sound?

Well, listen to this. On Saturday, March 8, at 7:12 p.m., Trey Hamburger heard a second hand account of a teleporting Hot Pocket and started wiggin' out bad. So he and his amigo Mike Stevens basically went into combat mode and ended up encountering some of the most seriously messed-up shit ever. And they're STILL FREAKED OUT ABOUT IT. Now, even though these guys aren't SCIENTISTS, it's pretty for sure that they might have extrapolated something HUGE, which will have the intellectual community going nuts for weeks.

This is their story.

Ghost/Aliens is probably the first time ever a regular person has investigated this sort of thing. So now the people of planet Earth will finally know the truth about all those levitating towels and dead grandpas popping up all over the place.


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Genres: Humor, Science Fiction, Comedy, Fiction

274 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Hello amigos and amigas,

My name is Robert Hamburger, aka Trey Hamburger. I am the author of REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book and GHOSTS/ALIENS. I am a ninja / ghost / alien expert.

If you have any questions or would like to discuss weird stuff, send me a message or post one on this author board.

Websites:
http://www.ghostsaliens.net
http://www.realultimatepower.net

Reviews

[Justin Robar · Rating 5 out of 5]

I almost let this absolute treasure pass me by. Trey Hamburger's seminal, caustic, inflammatory... okay, pretty much just funny as hell rendition of the possible teleportation of a hot pocket and the paranormal research buddy-cop adventure that follows, is brilliantly hilarious. The 272p title packs thrice as much humor as any cookie-cutter comedy flick, combined with marvelous illustrations by the seductive Worawalan Chantawong.

Folks, the real skinny on "Ghosts/Aliens" is, it's a damn funny read, it's fairly quick (as many of the 272 pages contain illustrations), it's also fairly inexpensive (the paperback & Kindle versions typically run for under 12 bucks), and it's one of those books that you CAN in fact judge by its cover; the moment you look at the cover of this book and see keywords like "PORNO", "Al-Qaeda", "headbutts", "hidden driveways", "DELICIOUS", "KATANAS", "AMIGOS", "buttheads", and "dynamite", you know you're in for a fantastically-funny ride. Trey Hamburger delivers on every single page.

If you're a fan of the random and ridiculous - and let's face it, if you're on the internet a lot, you probably are - you're going to love "Ghosts/Aliens".

[Sara the Librarian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am shelving this under "science fiction" in the loosest possible way since, technically, it does refer fairly frequently to ghosts and/or aliens and in fact often shoves the two words together as if creating a chimera of every half remembered episode of "The X-Files" and "spirit orb" in "Ghosthunters." But that's more or less where any science fiction or paranormal activity ends.

For Mr. Trey Hamburger, a mind bogglingly stupid stoner (please god let him be stoned because otherwise I can't figure out how someone so dense has survived as long as he has) it all begins the day his "amigo" Mike calls to report "some totally messed up shit." The shit is a Hot Pocket that Mike was microwaving that, according to Mike, somehow transported itself out of the microwave and onto a plate while Mike was out of the room. There was no way Mike did this himself (Trey has known him for two years and Mike would NOT do that guys) so clearly the entire world is under attack by ghosts and/or aliens and Trey and Mike are obviously the only ones who can stop them.

Wackiness and messed up shit ensues.

I honestly gave this book about twenty pages before the (admittedly very funny) joke of two idiots fighting non-existent monsters got super old and everything spiraled into a depressing "Napoleon Dynamite" fanfiction. Color me surprised when the whole thing, all 272 pages of it, continues to be entertaining and occasionally laugh out loud hilarious until its somewhat abrupt end.

Make no mistake this is not a deep novel that is only masquerading as the novel equivalent of that guy who hangs out in front of the 7-11 in your town wearing a tin foil hat and shrieking about the grassy knoll, the Illuminati and being a CIA operative who went to Mars to battle Nazis. This is, straight up, two teenagers who are either very, very stoned or very, very intellectually challenged convincing themselves that (among other equally insane things) the Indian man next door is an alien who's vaporized their friend and that the only way to combat this threat is creating "an elite fighting force" who's primary objective is to sit around and get even more stoned (if that is humanly possible) while dreaming up ways to become more elite.

It helps that Mr. Hamburger peppers his book with frequent interruptions from Mike (who for reasons that defy any type of Earth logic is represented as a tiny illustration of a Camaro (yes, the car) with a little dialogue bubble over its "head") that read much like a screenplay, a myriad of hilarious letters to various scientists who they try to recruit to help in the "battle" or petition for funds, and their deeply insane "evidence." If forced to read only Mr. Hamburger's narration I imagine I would have been attempting to extract my own eyeballs with my bookmark by page 10.

Really my only problem with this is the abruptness of the end when Hamburger attempts a sort of Hail Mary pass to give some validity to his hero's quest. Its unneeded and not terribly well executed when we're pulled from Mike and Trey's addled POV's into the real world so abruptly. I get what he was going for, its sort of a "It was all a dream.....or WAS IT!?!?!?!" thing, it just isn't needed.

The book is definitely written in a very distinctive style that isn't going to appeal to everyone. "Napoleon Dynamite" comes the closest to describing Hamburger and Mike's way of talking to each other so if that's the height of comedy for you by all means have at it.

This was a surreal and bizzarely enjoyable reading experience and I got a huge kick out of reading portions of it aloud to my husband. It might not be groundbreaking but its worth checking out.

[Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is making me laugh, hard. Robert Hamburger's (of "Real Ultimate Power" fame) older cousin investigates a mysterious paranormal conspiracy that starts with a Hot Pocket that moved... on it's own. If you're familiar with the "Jim Anchower" columnist from "The Onion," imagine that type of narrator in a would-be "X-Files" novel. There are lines like, "I once lived in a duplex that had to be blessed," and "Some idiots out there think that Transylvania is really just Pennsylvania."

***Finished***

I cannot recommend this highly enough, four times yesterday I was laughing to myself sitting alone at Barnes and Noble reading lines like, "In Cambodia, you can throw a grenade at water buffaloes for FIVE BUCKS." If you are interested in gurgling sounds, opening a portal to time/space, or face-punchings, you must read this book.

[Thjodbjorn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm only 100 pages in, but I feel safe in saying that this a life-changing work.

That was written a while ago. Back when I had only read a hundred pages of it. I can now confirm that it IS life-changing. Be prepared to not ever be not ready to rock.

[H. A. Eugene · Rating 4 out of 5]

"If Aristotle was so smart, how come he's dead?" This book rocked my ass.

[jeremy bradner · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Being from the suburbs, we've seen a lot. We're basically pit fighters"

[Angus McKeogh · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty good but not groundbreakingly funny. Sort of a cross between Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Dumb and Dumber. Same kind of humor. I chuckled a few times and thought the story was intriguing enough to continue; also the format of the book was different and interesting. But it wasn't amazingly funny. Moreover having it shelved in the humor section at the bookstore left me unimpressed. So just a bit above average and a long way from exceptional.

[Debs · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m convinced that this book was actually written by Ed Zeddmore and Harry Spengler before they moved out of their parent’s basements and formed the Ghostfacers.

[Kristoffer · Rating 5 out of 5]

teleporting hot pockets are ruining this country

[Broodingferret · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ghosts/Aliens has the distinction of being one of the worst books I have ever read. Being, however, that that is the point, and that the badness is delivered in an amusing way, I feel it's worth a "liked it" rating, though the theme got old pretty quick. Basically the book (which doesn't take itself seriously at all) is written from the perspective of a couple of idiotic and paranoid teenagers who read far too much into entirely mundane things. It was good for a chortle, though I doubt I'll ever pick it up again.

[Matt Karwoski · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is freaking RADICAL. I laughed, hard. If you're a totally awesome dude and like shit like Adult Swim, or eating nachos in the nude, this book is for you.

If you're easily offended by vulgarity or you're a feminist, probably don't read this.

[Colin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a mixed bag for me. Parts were funny, parts were not; and a lot of this aged rather badly over time. If you can put yourself in the mindset of early internet comedy and you like that style, this book is likely for you.

[Brandie · Rating 4 out of 5]

What did I just read? I laughed quite a few times. This book is stupid. If you are like me and like stupid-funny things, It's great

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick, enjoyable read. Very light-hearted and hilarious.

[Mike · Rating 5 out of 5]

A classic. Seriously the funniest book I've ever read.

[Diana Hariyanti · Rating 3 out of 5]

My new manual book to fight aliens with ninja moves...hilarious
I'm gonna find that Ninja Book of yours to master another move...

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

First off, after I had finished reading this book, I noticed that the lettering on the title glows in the dark. I noticed this when I saw the glowing words "GHOSTS/ALIENS" in the dark, which was frickin hilarious to me.

This book is about Trey Hamburger and his friend Mike Stevens investigation into paranormal activity, after their friend Derrick mysteriously dies following encountering a teleporting hot-pocket.

The book is told in the first person, in a mostly conversational tone. There are various other first hand sources, such as letters and pamphlets sprinkled through out the book. The writing is hilarious, and the use of superlative is absolutely sublime. The use of comic language is truly excellent.

I cannot in good conscience review this book without comparing it to Real Ultimate Power. In all honesty, I did not like this book as much as the original Real Ultimate Power. This book is written from the point of view of a nerdy/dope smoking/sex obsessed/violence loving teenage boy. This is less charming than the 10 y/o boy from Real Ultimate Power. This book also has more of a plot, that is told through the meandering ramblings of Trey Hamburger. This book made me laugh till I cry, but little Robert talking about Ninjas could make me laugh until I passed out, which actually happened once.

I read this book because I think that Real Ultimate Power was frickin hilarious, and I think that Robert Hamburger is a genius warrior poet in the truest sense of the words.

[Jessica Edmonds · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the only book that’s made me laugh so hard I literally cried. I’ve read this book multiple times over the years. Always something I recommend to friends with my weird sense of humor and a love of the absurd. About every year or so I pick it back up and it’s just as funny as the first time I read it. The “don’t judge a book by its cover” line doesn’t apply here. Cramming the cover with random quotes from the book is what made me grab it off the shelf. If you are the kind of person who reads that cover and doesn’t laugh and arrive at a confused curiosity that makes you want to read it, you aren’t the kind of person I wanna hang with. Ghost/Aliens is tied with Night Of The Living Trekies as my favorite book. (Nerd I know) But absurd does it for me. And this is hands down the funniest book I’ve ever read!

[Jon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't like it a bit. I suffered through 5 chapters before giving up and even returning it to the store I'd bought it from 20 minutes earlier. I've never returned a book before, but I was so annoyed on what a waste of paper this was.

Two "dudes" out in exploration of the weird and unknown in the world. Normally, I like tales of weird sh*t happenings, and highly recommend Crooked Little Vein as a recent read. But this book just didn't work for me at all, and just seemed to be trying entirely too hard to be funny.

[Neven · Rating 2 out of 5]

What to say. This follow-up to Hamburger's equally ludicrous 'REAL Ultimate Power' just doesn't quite work, even if it is reasonably fun to read, if you're into that sort of thing.

What sort of thing, exactly? Well, it's a notebook written by a jackass college kid (I think) who idiotically chases ghost and aliens with his idiot friends. It's Internet-troll-persona storytelling. REAL Ultimate Power was the same thing, except told by a young child, which made it slightly more endearing. This will cause some lols, but mostly it'll seem derivative and weak. Sorry, amigos..

[Trevor · Rating 4 out of 5]

The mastermind behind Real Ultimate Power delivers hilarity yet again with Ghosts/Aliens. You will learn many important lessons in this book. Lessons about Hot Pockets, ducks, flippers, Indians, beards, Nabisco, toothpaste, etc. I also found out that my home state of Utah is actually a portal to another dimension, something I did not previously know, but makes quite a lot of sense now that I do. If you like laughter and/or hate ghosts/aliens, you should read this book.

[Lex · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written with a sort of "dude, listen" overtone, this is sort of like if a madcap teen comedy (only with less sex and more dumb guys) was put in book form. It's humorous but not hilarious. Worth a look at if you don't mind lots of swearing, tangents that lead nowhere, and a sidekick who is a talking car.

[Christopher · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this book of letters to scientists, notes and concrete proof of Ghosts/Aliens and everything from the consequences of and how to have sex with them.
Ghosts/Aliens does for Ghosts/Aliens what Hamburger did for Ninjas with REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book.
If this does not win him a sweet Pulitzer nothing will.

[Amy Gashly · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the great tradition of Bill and Ted or maybe Beavis and Butthead, this book will take you on an adventure to protect the human race from evil ghosts/aliens.
Stuff-shirts and lit-snobs need not apply.
Everyone else, get ready to laugh your asses off.

[Oriana]

Ok, I'll bite. I've never heard of this guy, but if Patrick – a very funny guy who in my experience doesn't find anything funny – thinks this is funny, it must be fucking funny.

[Emily Rozmus · Rating 3 out of 5]

funny, very funny

[Elana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great followup to Real Ultimate Power... pretty funny.

[Claire S]

For when I'm very very not in literary-snobby mode. But am in Beavis-and-Butthead mode (or something like that) instead. Maybe.

[Tron · Rating 3 out of 5]

I laughed but it was kind of rediculous! I liked his friend that would blurb in the most

[Jen Kosegi · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book proves that ANYONE can get published. I'd have given it 0 stars, if possible. What a piece of crap--at least I didn't have to pay for it.