(Full disclosure: I received a free e-ARC for review through NetGalley.)
-- 4.5 stars --
"I like to think of the mind as a garden. You nurture and grow the flowers, vegetables, and fruit (your beneficial and realistic thoughts) and discard the weeds (your unhelpful and untrue thoughts) before they overtake your garden."
I'm not exactly what you'd call a voracious reader of self-help books; not because I don't need the help (lol), but because I find most of the advice to be rather vague, intangible, and, well not all that helpful. Oftentimes I walk away feeling confused and overwhelmed, with no idea where to start, or how to put the principles I just read about into action.
But Liz Kelly's THIS BOOK IS CHEAPER THAN THERAPY? *This* is the self-help book I've been looking for.
A LICSW (licensed independent clinical social worker) and therapist practicing in the Washington, DC area, Kelly offers a plethora of practical advice for surviving and thriving if/when therapy isn't an option.
This includes sections on:
- Self-care (including physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, recreational, financial, and professional); pro-tip: self-care isn't always doing what feels good
- Cognitive distortions; countering and reframing negative thoughts; naming your inner critic and putting them on trial; and positive self-talk and affirmations (be your own damn cheerleader!)
- Breaking the cycle (downward spiral) over overthinking
- Practicing self-compassion (ask yourself: "Would you treat your best friend this way?")
- The mind-body connection, including activating your "rest and digest" system (parasympathetic nervous system) to promote calmness: by using grounding techniques; mindful breathing; meditation; visualization; progressive muscle relaxation; power posing; being in nature; mindfulness, activating the vagus nerve (by singing, yawning, or gargling); yoga nidra; massage; practicing gratitude; cold water immersion; and hugs, cuddles, and weighted blankets
- Regulating your emotions
- Radical acceptance
- Establishing and enforcing boundaries (a "fuck budget")
- Dealing with emotional dumpers (eve if that person is you!)
- Building and nurturing connections by finding and meeting good people; active listening; fighting fair; and apologizing like a pro
- Dealing with grief and loss (including collective grief)
- Finding meaning in your life through belonging, purpose, transcendence, and storytelling
- Identifying your core values and constructing a life that honors them ("Turning your values into action allows you to live with intention rather than let the momentum of the daily grind take over.")
- Finding a therapist and getting the most out of therapy
Each chapter ends with three "action items" that expertly distill the main points of the section into concrete steps that you can take today, this week, or even in this moment. I especially love the action items in the final chapter (on finding a therapist); like I said, I often walk away from self-help books feeling lost and overwhelmed, but these final three action items encourage the reader to create an achievable, realistic path forward by choosing just one or two takeaways and putting them into practice.
Kelly has a cheeky, conversational style that I found engaging, but might not be for everyone; if you don't appreciate a well-placed f-bomb, maybe keep walking. (Tbh, she had me with the Fred Rococo reference.)
As a youngish widow, I found the chapter on grief especially poignant ("Grief sometimes feels like being homesick for a place that doesn’t exist anymore."), if necessarily brief. In the other direction, I found the relationship stuff ("This Is Your Brain on Love") a little out of place. Dating advice feels like a whole other conversation/book/genre. But maybe that's just because I'm single, cranky, and not looking (see, e.g., "young widow").