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I Kissed Dating Goodbye
Updated hardcover edition 2003
221 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1997
736 people are currently reading
10850 people want to read
About the author
Joshua Harris
70 books567 followersJoshua Harris lived outside Washington, D.C., in Gaithersburg, Maryland, where he was a pastor at Covenant Life Church. His greatest passion was preaching the gospel and calling his generation to wholehearted devotion to God. Each January he lead a national conference for singles called New Attitude.
He since apostatised, divorced & became an LGBTQ+ advocate.
He since apostatised, divorced & became an LGBTQ+ advocate.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,010 reviews
September 29, 2007
It's weird.
When I read this for the first and only time, I had just parted ways with a high school girlfriend. Our relationship had been the most intense I'd ever had, and while we were in it, we were both pretty positive that this was real and fervent love. She's now happily married to a great guy who isn't me, and I'm now happily married to an amazing woman who isn't her. I'm not proud of how it ended, but it needed to.
This book fell into the midst of that dynamic in my life, and it rocked me. Not date girls casually as a means to get to know them, and instead enjoy healthy friendships, one day implementing the idea of courting a girl whom you were led to by the Lord? At the time, amazing! In many ways, I needed this book then. It helped to focus me, and remind me of the importance and necessity of my heart's need for Christ first and foremost, before all things and before all others.
Would I still recommend it? Would I tell someone else that "You should read this in order to know how God wants us to deal with dating, relationships, and the whole nine yards?"
It's doubtful.
It helped me, but it also contributed to and suggested a rigidity of interaction and relationship that eventually had to be cast aside in order for me to develop relationship and fall in love with the woman who would become my life. This book is one of a number of different books that I'd suggest reading (if you insist on reading it) with a constant consideration of its contents as "idea" and "suggestion", whether or not it says "this is what you have to do". Very real problems tend to arise when Christians hammer things down and define them with no wiggle room for mystery, change, trust, and guidance by the Holy Spirit.
When I read this for the first and only time, I had just parted ways with a high school girlfriend. Our relationship had been the most intense I'd ever had, and while we were in it, we were both pretty positive that this was real and fervent love. She's now happily married to a great guy who isn't me, and I'm now happily married to an amazing woman who isn't her. I'm not proud of how it ended, but it needed to.
This book fell into the midst of that dynamic in my life, and it rocked me. Not date girls casually as a means to get to know them, and instead enjoy healthy friendships, one day implementing the idea of courting a girl whom you were led to by the Lord? At the time, amazing! In many ways, I needed this book then. It helped to focus me, and remind me of the importance and necessity of my heart's need for Christ first and foremost, before all things and before all others.
Would I still recommend it? Would I tell someone else that "You should read this in order to know how God wants us to deal with dating, relationships, and the whole nine yards?"
It's doubtful.
It helped me, but it also contributed to and suggested a rigidity of interaction and relationship that eventually had to be cast aside in order for me to develop relationship and fall in love with the woman who would become my life. This book is one of a number of different books that I'd suggest reading (if you insist on reading it) with a constant consideration of its contents as "idea" and "suggestion", whether or not it says "this is what you have to do". Very real problems tend to arise when Christians hammer things down and define them with no wiggle room for mystery, change, trust, and guidance by the Holy Spirit.
October 23, 2018
I know no one's going to read my review, but I've just been itching to write it. I have a feeling it will turn into a long rambling session since I feel pretty strongly about this subject. I know I'm just another young adult who wasn't fond of this book, so my critique is probably insignificant among the sea of others out there. I know that I'm just "young and foolish" and how could I ever question this book's teachings-everyone should do it! Everyone who has ever followed what Joshua Harris says has wonderful results and a lifelong, heavenly marriage, right?
As someone who had to read this in my junior year of high school (I was homeschooled), I don't necessarily believe that. Sure, there are some couples who did the whole courtship thing and ended up marrying the love of their life. As long as they're truly happy, who am I to tell them what they should have done? I just don't believe courtship works for everyone.
This is what I think: let teenagers be teenagers. They're not impure if they hold hands. They don't suddenly lose their innocence if they have crushes. They're not damaged goods for kissing their boyfriend or girlfriend. They're not immoral if they do have a boyfriend or girlfriend in the first place. Nearly everyone who is a strong advocate for courtship is all like, "But you'll regret your stupid choices one day. Guard your heart!" You know what I do regret? Never experiencing that part of being a teenager. I will never know what it's like. Maybe deep down, I'm still one of those girls who is desperate or maybe I'm just being sentimental. But honestly, don't take those years for granted. I'm not saying that teenagers should be reckless and do everything on a whim. Not at all. Logic and common sense should (obviously) be valued. I simply believe that keeping your heart under lock and key at all times is a terrible-possibly damaging-idea. Besides, C.S. Lewis said "to love at all is to be vulnerable." You know what else makes you vulnerable? Being alive. If you do break up with your significant other and feel sad for awhile, that's just part of life! It won't be unbearable and you will get through it. Life is all about discovery, full of warmth and rawness and giving and taking and pouring yourself out! It is impossible to avoid pain in life, and shielding yourself from "getting hurt" by romantic relationships is only going to increase your fear of the world.
I'm going to try to word this in a way that makes sense, but which sounds better to you...experiencing love as a young teen and going through all the sweet and difficult times but you grow and learn from it anyway, or being an adult who has never done anything like that court someone with the intention of marriage, but nothing turned out like you thought it would and you just broke down and gave up? Because I have heard stories about the latter. A lot of stories. All because of this book. It can definitely happen, and courtship champions should stop acting as though it is impossible. Their method isn't perfect either. Nothing in life is perfect. Besides, if you wait too long to be romantically involved with someone, you may find yourself struggling to bond with them like you should since you were taught from an early age to continually "be on guard because every guy/girl you meet is going to rip your heart to shreds." Again, I'm not saying this happens to everyone, it's solely my theory.
Anyway, I'm sure I have bored you quite enough. On with the book. I've only read it once and that was a few years ago, and would rather not read it again. From what I remember, his writing style was extremely repetitive and he repeated the same ideas over…and over…and over again. I literally had to take a break after reading a few pages at a time.
I also remember a particular passage where a woman was explaining this dream where she was marrying her fiancé (I think he was, anyway) and they were at the altar. Then all of the fiancé's exes went up to him and stood next to him…uh…if you've read this book, you probably already know what I'm talking about. I find that passage ridiculous. Was he implying that our hearts are only capable of so much love before they crash and burn? You love your family, you love your friends, and you love your pets. You love certain musicians, artists and writers. I'm sure that loving more people, whether they'll become part of your past or stay with you for a long time, is NOT going to make you unworthy or undesirable. A loving heart is a truly beautiful thing.
One thing I strongly dislike is this "all guys/girls are evil and out to get me EXCEPT for my future husband/wife" mindset. If you actually believe that, it will show, trust me. I know that not everyone who is for courtship thinks like that, but quite a few of them do. If you have that mindset, how will any guy or girl be able to approach you and want to start a relationship with you in the first place? Think about it.
That's just the short version of all my thoughts. If I go on too much longer, my fingers won't be able to type for a while. Like I mentioned near the beginning, if couples who courted are truly happy that they did it…kudos to them. Josh Harris had good intentions, but I suspect this book has done more damage than good.
So, in summary: I'm tired of Christians who practice courtship treating this book like it's the pinnacle of nonfiction, and homeschooling parents (since these beliefs are the norm in many homeschool circles) must stop micromanaging their adult children's lives. It's just wrong on so many levels.
Edit: 3/5/17
I find it very telling how Harris has apologized for the hurt his book has caused and seems to be stepping away from it altogether. On his website, he is now accepting stories from IKDG readers on how it affected their lives. Old news, I know, but it's a step and I can't help but feel proud of him for sincerely trying to understand.
Edit: 10/23/18
Just read this afternoon that IKDG will no longer be printed.
As someone who had to read this in my junior year of high school (I was homeschooled), I don't necessarily believe that. Sure, there are some couples who did the whole courtship thing and ended up marrying the love of their life. As long as they're truly happy, who am I to tell them what they should have done? I just don't believe courtship works for everyone.
This is what I think: let teenagers be teenagers. They're not impure if they hold hands. They don't suddenly lose their innocence if they have crushes. They're not damaged goods for kissing their boyfriend or girlfriend. They're not immoral if they do have a boyfriend or girlfriend in the first place. Nearly everyone who is a strong advocate for courtship is all like, "But you'll regret your stupid choices one day. Guard your heart!" You know what I do regret? Never experiencing that part of being a teenager. I will never know what it's like. Maybe deep down, I'm still one of those girls who is desperate or maybe I'm just being sentimental. But honestly, don't take those years for granted. I'm not saying that teenagers should be reckless and do everything on a whim. Not at all. Logic and common sense should (obviously) be valued. I simply believe that keeping your heart under lock and key at all times is a terrible-possibly damaging-idea. Besides, C.S. Lewis said "to love at all is to be vulnerable." You know what else makes you vulnerable? Being alive. If you do break up with your significant other and feel sad for awhile, that's just part of life! It won't be unbearable and you will get through it. Life is all about discovery, full of warmth and rawness and giving and taking and pouring yourself out! It is impossible to avoid pain in life, and shielding yourself from "getting hurt" by romantic relationships is only going to increase your fear of the world.
I'm going to try to word this in a way that makes sense, but which sounds better to you...experiencing love as a young teen and going through all the sweet and difficult times but you grow and learn from it anyway, or being an adult who has never done anything like that court someone with the intention of marriage, but nothing turned out like you thought it would and you just broke down and gave up? Because I have heard stories about the latter. A lot of stories. All because of this book. It can definitely happen, and courtship champions should stop acting as though it is impossible. Their method isn't perfect either. Nothing in life is perfect. Besides, if you wait too long to be romantically involved with someone, you may find yourself struggling to bond with them like you should since you were taught from an early age to continually "be on guard because every guy/girl you meet is going to rip your heart to shreds." Again, I'm not saying this happens to everyone, it's solely my theory.
Anyway, I'm sure I have bored you quite enough. On with the book. I've only read it once and that was a few years ago, and would rather not read it again. From what I remember, his writing style was extremely repetitive and he repeated the same ideas over…and over…and over again. I literally had to take a break after reading a few pages at a time.
I also remember a particular passage where a woman was explaining this dream where she was marrying her fiancé (I think he was, anyway) and they were at the altar. Then all of the fiancé's exes went up to him and stood next to him…uh…if you've read this book, you probably already know what I'm talking about. I find that passage ridiculous. Was he implying that our hearts are only capable of so much love before they crash and burn? You love your family, you love your friends, and you love your pets. You love certain musicians, artists and writers. I'm sure that loving more people, whether they'll become part of your past or stay with you for a long time, is NOT going to make you unworthy or undesirable. A loving heart is a truly beautiful thing.
One thing I strongly dislike is this "all guys/girls are evil and out to get me EXCEPT for my future husband/wife" mindset. If you actually believe that, it will show, trust me. I know that not everyone who is for courtship thinks like that, but quite a few of them do. If you have that mindset, how will any guy or girl be able to approach you and want to start a relationship with you in the first place? Think about it.
That's just the short version of all my thoughts. If I go on too much longer, my fingers won't be able to type for a while. Like I mentioned near the beginning, if couples who courted are truly happy that they did it…kudos to them. Josh Harris had good intentions, but I suspect this book has done more damage than good.
So, in summary: I'm tired of Christians who practice courtship treating this book like it's the pinnacle of nonfiction, and homeschooling parents (since these beliefs are the norm in many homeschool circles) must stop micromanaging their adult children's lives. It's just wrong on so many levels.
Edit: 3/5/17
I find it very telling how Harris has apologized for the hurt his book has caused and seems to be stepping away from it altogether. On his website, he is now accepting stories from IKDG readers on how it affected their lives. Old news, I know, but it's a step and I can't help but feel proud of him for sincerely trying to understand.
Edit: 10/23/18
Just read this afternoon that IKDG will no longer be printed.
March 14, 2008
I am a 17 year old christian teenage girl who has lived her relationship life according to this book and has no regrets. I have healthy friendships with a lot of guys but--amazingly enough--not a single boyfriend. And my life has been just fine for it. Actually, my life has been great. The whole point of the book is that there is a season for everything: a season for investing in friendships, and a season for dating/courting for the purpose of marriage. This has worked just fine for all the people around me (most singles in my church don't practice dating either), and there has been no lack of wonderful marriages. I don't date, but that doesn't mean I've thrown away marriage. I'm just using my time to serve God instead of committing my heart to a boyfriend right now. (Which is the whole point of the book).
It is actually a fun book, and very easy to read. Josh is not condemning, but he does let people know that there are other options out there besides dating.
It is actually a fun book, and very easy to read. Josh is not condemning, but he does let people know that there are other options out there besides dating.
June 10, 2011
I was forced to read this book by the female youth leader in a youth group I was a part of, along with all the other guys. Some of us kissed dating goodbye, others of us kissed youth group goodbye.
June 17, 2012
“Tired of the game? Kiss dating goodbye.
Dating: Isn't there a better way?
I Kissed Dating Goodbye suggests there is. Reorder your romantic life in the light of God's Word and find more fulfillment than a date could ever give – a life of sincere love, true purity, and purposeful singleness.” That is the promise and the premise behind Joshua Harris' new book I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
Joshua Harris writes pretty well, and he makes several good points in this book. When he talks about God's view on love, Harris is right on the money. Love is not just a feeling. It is not a dominating force that overwhelms our ability to follow God. Unfortunately, Harris' radical new take on dating is really old-fashioned Pharisaical law. Harris has rightly shown some problems with our culture's view of dating, but his own system, while claiming to be biblical, reminds me very much of the Pharisees practice of writing their own laws to make sure that their fellow Jews wouldn't break God's laws. And we know how Jesus felt about that!
You might be wondering what I mean when I say that Harris has replaced a defective system with his own set of rules, instead of following God's laws. Pharisee-ism can be a very subtle thing. So let me give a very clear example. One of the key reasons Harris gives for avoiding dating is because it does not live up to God's standards for love as set out in 1 Corinthians 13. Dating is short-term, it can be self-centered, and it can lead someone to fall away from God. Harris' solution is to avoid committing to one person until you are ready to marry. Is that a biblical perspective on love? 1 Corinthians 13 is not talking about romantic love. It is talking about the love that we are supposed to have for all believers all the time!
Now, can dating be self-centered? Of course it can.
Can dating lead you to care too much about the short-term? Yep.
Can dating cause someone to fall away from God? Definitely.
Can dating lead to prematurely intimate physical relationships? No doubt.
But it doesn't have to do any of these things. Harris proposes his own solution, courtship, which is no more biblical than dating. There isn't really any advice on dating or courting in the Bible because that was not a very big part of that culture. Marriages were (mostly) arranged affairs that were as much about economics and social status as love. So, there is really no such thing as "biblical" courtship or dating or whatever else. There are just decisions that believers need to make about how they are going to follow God in their situation.
So, I liked this book for some of its criticisms of our culture. I just don't think the prescription is any better than the disease.
Dating: Isn't there a better way?
I Kissed Dating Goodbye suggests there is. Reorder your romantic life in the light of God's Word and find more fulfillment than a date could ever give – a life of sincere love, true purity, and purposeful singleness.” That is the promise and the premise behind Joshua Harris' new book I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
Joshua Harris writes pretty well, and he makes several good points in this book. When he talks about God's view on love, Harris is right on the money. Love is not just a feeling. It is not a dominating force that overwhelms our ability to follow God. Unfortunately, Harris' radical new take on dating is really old-fashioned Pharisaical law. Harris has rightly shown some problems with our culture's view of dating, but his own system, while claiming to be biblical, reminds me very much of the Pharisees practice of writing their own laws to make sure that their fellow Jews wouldn't break God's laws. And we know how Jesus felt about that!
You might be wondering what I mean when I say that Harris has replaced a defective system with his own set of rules, instead of following God's laws. Pharisee-ism can be a very subtle thing. So let me give a very clear example. One of the key reasons Harris gives for avoiding dating is because it does not live up to God's standards for love as set out in 1 Corinthians 13. Dating is short-term, it can be self-centered, and it can lead someone to fall away from God. Harris' solution is to avoid committing to one person until you are ready to marry. Is that a biblical perspective on love? 1 Corinthians 13 is not talking about romantic love. It is talking about the love that we are supposed to have for all believers all the time!
Now, can dating be self-centered? Of course it can.
Can dating lead you to care too much about the short-term? Yep.
Can dating cause someone to fall away from God? Definitely.
Can dating lead to prematurely intimate physical relationships? No doubt.
But it doesn't have to do any of these things. Harris proposes his own solution, courtship, which is no more biblical than dating. There isn't really any advice on dating or courting in the Bible because that was not a very big part of that culture. Marriages were (mostly) arranged affairs that were as much about economics and social status as love. So, there is really no such thing as "biblical" courtship or dating or whatever else. There are just decisions that believers need to make about how they are going to follow God in their situation.
So, I liked this book for some of its criticisms of our culture. I just don't think the prescription is any better than the disease.
October 11, 2007
I actually kissed dating goodbye after I got married (except the infrequent times my wife and I can leave our kids at home and go out for a quick dinner). However, this book really is a challenge to teens and younger adults (college/young singles) to rethink their mindset of the 'dating' culture. Some will cringe in reading this ideology for the first time, but when contimplating how to protect your own holiness and the purity of others, it makes more sense. Accountability and NOT acting on feelings or immature desires is beneficial in ANY relationship, particularly towards the opposite sex. The Bible does not say, "THOU SHALT NOT DATE" but it does call us to holiness and to protect the purity of others. This is a practical book to present and different approach to developing godly relationships that may lead to marriage based on Scriptural truths.
BTW - I've noticed that SOMETIMES the people who hate this book are also people who are a bit boy or girl "crazy" and will attack it as "stupid" or "unbiblical". It is like the alcoholic stating that Jesus drank wine, Paul told Timothy to take a little wine for his ailments, and the Passover is warrant to drink alcohol even though it will hurt them (as an alcholic).
BTW - I've noticed that SOMETIMES the people who hate this book are also people who are a bit boy or girl "crazy" and will attack it as "stupid" or "unbiblical". It is like the alcoholic stating that Jesus drank wine, Paul told Timothy to take a little wine for his ailments, and the Passover is warrant to drink alcohol even though it will hurt them (as an alcholic).
October 29, 2012
Coming from a happily married woman, I found this to be a stupid composition that follows a typical Christian formula of twisting Scripture to suit the point the author wants to make. "Purposeful singleness"? Common sense, rather than blowing up your every state of being into assuring yourself of your godliness, will get you further in my opinion. Only made a splash because it was written by a young, attractive male who claimed to have quit dating for good. Don't listen to me, though, read it for yourself and make up your own mind- unlike the author would have you do.
Read
April 13, 2018Bull honkey. This philosophy destroys intimacy and feeds the guilt culture that is overly a part of modern Christian families. Zero stars.
September 3, 2012
While the book is well-written and the ideas are well-expressed and thought out, Harris' theories just don't play well in a complex world filled with people. There is no set of rules or philosophies that one can apply to Christian premarital romance (nor any kind of romance, nor any kind of relationship, for that matter), and I believe that, unfortunately, Harris' ideas are a contribution to a philosophy that has caused much pain and cynicism in young single Christian circles (I can say this from experience).
In concurrence with Harris' ideas, many of our parents, with the best intentions, told us pubescent, hormonal Christians that we should wait for "God to bring the right one"; that "God has designed someone just for you". Harris has taken this idea and designed a dating paradigm that fosters to it, gearing up singles to pursue only that one, special, unique someone that God has made just for them. This has led many of us naive, unsuspecting singles to expect to suddenly wake up one morning with the perfect man/woman, a ring on our finger, passionate sex (that of course was saved for marriage without any sort of struggle), and a relationship with depth that's centered around Christ.
What I mean to say is, we know what we want and we expect God to get us there without any effort on our part. Having always been told to wait for God to bring this ominous "One" to us, to kiss dating goodbye, and that God has sculpted said "One" just for us, we have this hopelessly naive and incorrect idea that if we sit around, living our romance-free and happy lives (which, let's be honest, is unfortunately a bit of an oxymoron in our culture), God is going to make romance happen to us and another unsuspecting, beautiful, godly, pure individual.
The repercussions of this are the cause of constant frustration in both sexes. I've heard so many of my girl friends complain about this guy that they like so much, who they happen to know likes them, with whom she hangs out all the time (often one-on-one, over coffee) and this guy just won't ask her out, won't pursue her openly, won't lay his cards on the table and make himself vulnerable. Being a guy, and a guy that's been guilty of this, I can tell you that it's largely due to the aforementioned paradigm. Asking a girl out is terrifying, even if you know she'll say yes; vulnerability is petrifying. This is why the unconscious assumption that God will "bring the right person" to us is so comfortable. It requires no risk. God is going to do all the work for us. That's why we hang out with that girl we love for hours on end, always alluding to our feelings for her but never outright pursuing her, waiting for God to make it happen. It's comfortable, it's safe, and then you end up with mountains of sexual tension that haven't been expressed and eventually that coffee date becomes a make-out session without any pretext, without definitions, which leads to crossed boundaries and baggage. Fortunately I've been able to avoid this, but I've seen it far too many times for me to dismiss it as anything less than a pattern.
Alternately, I've heard many guys, myself included, complain about girls that simply will not say yes to a date. Because of our paradigm, those of us guys that have already gone through the frustrations of "kissing dating goodbye", realized that the difference between dating and Harris' ideas are simply in semantics, and have moved on to dating have found that many amazing, beautiful and godly girls will say no to a date with an amazing, godly man not because she's not attracted to him or not interested, but because she can't see herself marrying him. There's an expectation that, because God has this perfect man made for them, as soon as she sees him she'll be hopelessly in love and there won't even need to be a first date. A date, or courtship, or whatever you want to call it, is the context in which you get to know the other in order to determine whether you could marry that person. You can't determine that in day-to-day life. But, at the same time, girls expect us to pursue them, but not in a dating context because of the negative stigma given to that construct. Us guys are given so many mixed signals, because we're expected to pursue the girl like Christ pursues the Church (thanks, Francine Rivers, for giving every Christian woman the expectation that a good Christian man will be a cookie cut-out from Redeeming Love), but then again, if we do any kind of pursuing and the girl isn't already convinced that she could marry the guy, then we get shot down. So we are forced into the exact same context mentioned above, hanging out with the girl we like, allowing her to get to know us in a nonromantic context so that she can determine whether she could marry us (again, you can't determine how romantically compatible you are with someone in a nonromantic context). So as the two hang out more and more, and the girl still comes no closer to determining marriageability, emotions and sexual tension are still on the rise, and the same consequence mentioned above takes place.
All this being said, it's no wonder that young, single Christians are among the most romantically cynical beings I've ever met - and I am often guilty of this as well. I'm not saying that Joshua Harris is solely to blame, but I do believe that his books and ideology are a manifestation of this vague, misleading and tragic dating philosophy that is fostering so many embittered cynics in young Christian circles. The Church needs to begin addressing this issue, and realizing that there is no clean-cut solution and set of rules to apply to the grey area of romance. Only working relationship with us singles, intimate knowledge of our individual situations and, most importantly, the love and grace of Christ can lead us into romance with healthy expectations and practices. We don't need more books, we need older, experienced believers investing in us. That's what the Church is, anyway: a complex body of relationships, not a bookshelf of philosophies.
In concurrence with Harris' ideas, many of our parents, with the best intentions, told us pubescent, hormonal Christians that we should wait for "God to bring the right one"; that "God has designed someone just for you". Harris has taken this idea and designed a dating paradigm that fosters to it, gearing up singles to pursue only that one, special, unique someone that God has made just for them. This has led many of us naive, unsuspecting singles to expect to suddenly wake up one morning with the perfect man/woman, a ring on our finger, passionate sex (that of course was saved for marriage without any sort of struggle), and a relationship with depth that's centered around Christ.
What I mean to say is, we know what we want and we expect God to get us there without any effort on our part. Having always been told to wait for God to bring this ominous "One" to us, to kiss dating goodbye, and that God has sculpted said "One" just for us, we have this hopelessly naive and incorrect idea that if we sit around, living our romance-free and happy lives (which, let's be honest, is unfortunately a bit of an oxymoron in our culture), God is going to make romance happen to us and another unsuspecting, beautiful, godly, pure individual.
The repercussions of this are the cause of constant frustration in both sexes. I've heard so many of my girl friends complain about this guy that they like so much, who they happen to know likes them, with whom she hangs out all the time (often one-on-one, over coffee) and this guy just won't ask her out, won't pursue her openly, won't lay his cards on the table and make himself vulnerable. Being a guy, and a guy that's been guilty of this, I can tell you that it's largely due to the aforementioned paradigm. Asking a girl out is terrifying, even if you know she'll say yes; vulnerability is petrifying. This is why the unconscious assumption that God will "bring the right person" to us is so comfortable. It requires no risk. God is going to do all the work for us. That's why we hang out with that girl we love for hours on end, always alluding to our feelings for her but never outright pursuing her, waiting for God to make it happen. It's comfortable, it's safe, and then you end up with mountains of sexual tension that haven't been expressed and eventually that coffee date becomes a make-out session without any pretext, without definitions, which leads to crossed boundaries and baggage. Fortunately I've been able to avoid this, but I've seen it far too many times for me to dismiss it as anything less than a pattern.
Alternately, I've heard many guys, myself included, complain about girls that simply will not say yes to a date. Because of our paradigm, those of us guys that have already gone through the frustrations of "kissing dating goodbye", realized that the difference between dating and Harris' ideas are simply in semantics, and have moved on to dating have found that many amazing, beautiful and godly girls will say no to a date with an amazing, godly man not because she's not attracted to him or not interested, but because she can't see herself marrying him. There's an expectation that, because God has this perfect man made for them, as soon as she sees him she'll be hopelessly in love and there won't even need to be a first date. A date, or courtship, or whatever you want to call it, is the context in which you get to know the other in order to determine whether you could marry that person. You can't determine that in day-to-day life. But, at the same time, girls expect us to pursue them, but not in a dating context because of the negative stigma given to that construct. Us guys are given so many mixed signals, because we're expected to pursue the girl like Christ pursues the Church (thanks, Francine Rivers, for giving every Christian woman the expectation that a good Christian man will be a cookie cut-out from Redeeming Love), but then again, if we do any kind of pursuing and the girl isn't already convinced that she could marry the guy, then we get shot down. So we are forced into the exact same context mentioned above, hanging out with the girl we like, allowing her to get to know us in a nonromantic context so that she can determine whether she could marry us (again, you can't determine how romantically compatible you are with someone in a nonromantic context). So as the two hang out more and more, and the girl still comes no closer to determining marriageability, emotions and sexual tension are still on the rise, and the same consequence mentioned above takes place.
All this being said, it's no wonder that young, single Christians are among the most romantically cynical beings I've ever met - and I am often guilty of this as well. I'm not saying that Joshua Harris is solely to blame, but I do believe that his books and ideology are a manifestation of this vague, misleading and tragic dating philosophy that is fostering so many embittered cynics in young Christian circles. The Church needs to begin addressing this issue, and realizing that there is no clean-cut solution and set of rules to apply to the grey area of romance. Only working relationship with us singles, intimate knowledge of our individual situations and, most importantly, the love and grace of Christ can lead us into romance with healthy expectations and practices. We don't need more books, we need older, experienced believers investing in us. That's what the Church is, anyway: a complex body of relationships, not a bookshelf of philosophies.
June 30, 2016
"A relationship based solely on physical attraction and romantic feelings will last only as long as the feelings last.I admit I didn't agree with everything that's written on this book. It was a bit judgemental and one-sided for me(I'm not being angry or offended, I'm just merely stating my observations)note that I'm not a Christian as well. It was the author's own conviction and commitment. But what made me like this book was the fact that it wasn't trying to force those information down our throats.
By inflating the importance of feelings, we neglect the impt of putting love in action. When we evaluate the quality of our love for someone else simply by our own emotional fulfillment, we are being selfish.
Feelings governed them, and finally, when the feelings ended, so did their relationship."
"Whatever words you use, remember that the goal of your communication is not winning a debate or convincing your hearers of your view."It was just there for your to read and to consider to follow if you deem fit. It was always trying to pose questions and the possibility of what can happen for certain things that happen in our life.
I Kissed Dating Goodbye isn't all about dating and love. There were talks of impurity which we might all agree that society doesn't see important in relationship anymore. It teaches us the necessity of break-up which we all know is hard. Messy.
"Remember you don't have to prove them wrong to do what you know is right. There's a good chance they won't understand at first or will think you're making up excuse for bringing a relationship to an end. Don't try to argue with them to prove a point."This book disagrees with what our society think is acceptable, and I admit that it is refreshing to read something like this, like hearing different opinions.
Overall, it's a good read and if you're open-minded on other's religions, this is still a highly recommended book for everyone.
"Find someone who will light candles, not just curse the darkness"
July 2, 2012
I spent years of my life guilt-ridden needlessly due to this book.
This book is designed to make christian teens/young adults scared to death of not only sex, but kissing and cuddling someone they care about. It uses fallacies and guilt tactics to make people feel like they will be dirtied and unwanted if they enjoy someone else physically. I find this book repulsive because it makes so many people self-loathing. I know at least 30 20-30 year olds who used this book as a 'guide' in HS along with me. Let me say, this book did not make them better Christians. I think 3 of those people stayed religious and got married, the others have shunned Christianity and moved on.
So before you thrust this book on your child, think about THAT.
This book is designed to make christian teens/young adults scared to death of not only sex, but kissing and cuddling someone they care about. It uses fallacies and guilt tactics to make people feel like they will be dirtied and unwanted if they enjoy someone else physically. I find this book repulsive because it makes so many people self-loathing. I know at least 30 20-30 year olds who used this book as a 'guide' in HS along with me. Let me say, this book did not make them better Christians. I think 3 of those people stayed religious and got married, the others have shunned Christianity and moved on.
So before you thrust this book on your child, think about THAT.
December 15, 2025
It's weird when an author apologizes for a book he wrote. Weirder still when the author actually requests the publisher to pull the book from publication and goes on a nation-wide "apology" tour for all the harm he may have caused with his book.
This is apparently what happened with Joshua Harris and his 1997 book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Harris was a Christian pastor who, in 2019, got divorced, apostatized (a word I just learned today---yay!---that means "to renounce one's religion"), and has publicly apologized to the LGBTQ community for espousing anti-gay views in the book.
Joshua and Shannon Harris divorced in 2019 after almost 21 years of marriage. The divorce was amicable, and they remain friends and strong supporters of each other and their three children.
Interestingly enough, it is this book that I attribute to my spiritual growth and meeting and falling in love with the woman I have been married to for the past 15 years, so it is odd to hear that Harris not only rejects the book but actively works to promote views that would have been completely antithetical to what he was preaching in it.
Let me be clear: I am, like Harris, someone who does not call myself a Christian anymore, despite a love and respect for Christ's teachings. Like Harris, I think, my gripe is with the church and some of the anti-gay, misogynistic, and anti-intelletual stances that many Christian fundamentalists double down on. My gripe is not with Christ.
This book, though, came to me in a time in my life when I needed it. My early to mid-20s was a maelstrom of bad decisions and worse thinking. I was, not to put too fine a point on it, an asshole. I was regularly going to nightclubs and strip clubs and not treating women---or myself, for that matter---with respect. "Dating" was a joke, really. I looked at women as a means to an end, if you know what I mean. I was not in a good place.
Then, a friend of mine invited me to a bible study session, to which I remember initially laughing in his face. Weirdly, though, I went...
Someone from that bible study gave me a copy of this book. I remember looking at it as if that person had handed me a dead squirrel. Weirdly, though, I read it...
I won't pretend that everything in the book touched my heart. But something about the idea of not dating for selfish reasons (i.e. "lustful" reasons) appealed to me. As did the idea of abstinence before marriage. (Full disclosure: I was not a virgin, and I really struggled to get over my harmful view of myself as "damaged goods". The idea of "what's past is past" is a difficult one to accept sometimes.)
I'm not exaggerating when I say that Harris's book helped to straighten out some of my fucked up views on dating, sexuality, and women in general. It's what led me to eventually meet my wife (at a bible study, no less) and settle down. I've been happily married for 15 years now, and my wife and I have a beautiful 11-year-old daughter. I consider myself pretty blessed, and it wouldn't be inappropriate to say that it's partly due to Harris's book.
Which is why it's weird to hear that Harris has, like millions of Christians, renounced his affiliation with the church and no longer feels comfortable calling himself a Christian. I can relate.
So, even though I no longer need this book, and even though the author himself renounces it, I can honestly say that this was a pretty important book in my life.
P.S. And, if you're a statistics person (like me), here's a good article that shows that abstinence-only sex education classes aren't effective at all: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles....
This is apparently what happened with Joshua Harris and his 1997 book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". Harris was a Christian pastor who, in 2019, got divorced, apostatized (a word I just learned today---yay!---that means "to renounce one's religion"), and has publicly apologized to the LGBTQ community for espousing anti-gay views in the book.
Joshua and Shannon Harris divorced in 2019 after almost 21 years of marriage. The divorce was amicable, and they remain friends and strong supporters of each other and their three children.
Interestingly enough, it is this book that I attribute to my spiritual growth and meeting and falling in love with the woman I have been married to for the past 15 years, so it is odd to hear that Harris not only rejects the book but actively works to promote views that would have been completely antithetical to what he was preaching in it.
Let me be clear: I am, like Harris, someone who does not call myself a Christian anymore, despite a love and respect for Christ's teachings. Like Harris, I think, my gripe is with the church and some of the anti-gay, misogynistic, and anti-intelletual stances that many Christian fundamentalists double down on. My gripe is not with Christ.
This book, though, came to me in a time in my life when I needed it. My early to mid-20s was a maelstrom of bad decisions and worse thinking. I was, not to put too fine a point on it, an asshole. I was regularly going to nightclubs and strip clubs and not treating women---or myself, for that matter---with respect. "Dating" was a joke, really. I looked at women as a means to an end, if you know what I mean. I was not in a good place.
Then, a friend of mine invited me to a bible study session, to which I remember initially laughing in his face. Weirdly, though, I went...
Someone from that bible study gave me a copy of this book. I remember looking at it as if that person had handed me a dead squirrel. Weirdly, though, I read it...
I won't pretend that everything in the book touched my heart. But something about the idea of not dating for selfish reasons (i.e. "lustful" reasons) appealed to me. As did the idea of abstinence before marriage. (Full disclosure: I was not a virgin, and I really struggled to get over my harmful view of myself as "damaged goods". The idea of "what's past is past" is a difficult one to accept sometimes.)
I'm not exaggerating when I say that Harris's book helped to straighten out some of my fucked up views on dating, sexuality, and women in general. It's what led me to eventually meet my wife (at a bible study, no less) and settle down. I've been happily married for 15 years now, and my wife and I have a beautiful 11-year-old daughter. I consider myself pretty blessed, and it wouldn't be inappropriate to say that it's partly due to Harris's book.
Which is why it's weird to hear that Harris has, like millions of Christians, renounced his affiliation with the church and no longer feels comfortable calling himself a Christian. I can relate.
So, even though I no longer need this book, and even though the author himself renounces it, I can honestly say that this was a pretty important book in my life.
P.S. And, if you're a statistics person (like me), here's a good article that shows that abstinence-only sex education classes aren't effective at all: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles....
June 20, 2015
When I first read “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, I wanted to like it. I desperately tried to enjoy it, understand it in entirety, and implement all of its concepts into my life. I could not do so. I have been raised Christian and have accepted the faith as my own these past few years. I am completely in love with Jesus Christ and I believe the Bible with all of my heart. My friend, who loaned me the book, adored it and uses it as the manual for her romantic life. My mother could not have been more pleased that I was reading it. Regardless. I did not appreciate it for the most part.
But here’s something else: I read that book and proceeded to date in high school. I dated a lot. And I had a blast doing it. I only dated guys who could, yes, be potential marriage partners—God-loving, hilarious, attractive, intelligent guys—but I did it because first and foremost we were friends and second: it was fun! I went hiking, bowling, skating, to the movies, and many other fun activities with guys (sometimes in a group and sometimes not). Here’s my point. I am OK haha. I came out fine. I have no “permanent scars” on my heart from the guys I dated, I am not petrified of marriage or sex, and I am not a slut.
Josh Harris prescribes a medication for the dating pitfall called “courting” which is dating with intent to marry, basically. Why we can’t just call it that, I’ll never know. But does he honestly think that people can’t get their hearts broken in other relationships besides dating? If you end a courtship, and you are seriously thinking about marriage, your heart would get broken too. My friendship with my best friend (a girl) ended in high school, and crushed me ten times more than any breakup I had with a guy. Relationships with ANYONE, of any means, are risk, and instead of trying to avoid that risk by following rules, we should embrace them and learn from each other.
We should approach any decision we make with care and caution. To be smart about any relationship we pursue is important. But I think everyone is uniquely and wonderfully created by God, so different things work for different people. “No serious dating in high school”? Ok, tell that to the people who fell in love in high school and have lasting, happy marriages today. “Only group dating”? It’s hard to get to know their heart if you are always in a group. It’s legalistic, whether Harris wants to be or not. And is it really so black and white that we should completely eliminate an entire facet of our lives until a certain time just to avoid pain? Harris thinks so. I do not.
But here’s something else: I read that book and proceeded to date in high school. I dated a lot. And I had a blast doing it. I only dated guys who could, yes, be potential marriage partners—God-loving, hilarious, attractive, intelligent guys—but I did it because first and foremost we were friends and second: it was fun! I went hiking, bowling, skating, to the movies, and many other fun activities with guys (sometimes in a group and sometimes not). Here’s my point. I am OK haha. I came out fine. I have no “permanent scars” on my heart from the guys I dated, I am not petrified of marriage or sex, and I am not a slut.
Josh Harris prescribes a medication for the dating pitfall called “courting” which is dating with intent to marry, basically. Why we can’t just call it that, I’ll never know. But does he honestly think that people can’t get their hearts broken in other relationships besides dating? If you end a courtship, and you are seriously thinking about marriage, your heart would get broken too. My friendship with my best friend (a girl) ended in high school, and crushed me ten times more than any breakup I had with a guy. Relationships with ANYONE, of any means, are risk, and instead of trying to avoid that risk by following rules, we should embrace them and learn from each other.
We should approach any decision we make with care and caution. To be smart about any relationship we pursue is important. But I think everyone is uniquely and wonderfully created by God, so different things work for different people. “No serious dating in high school”? Ok, tell that to the people who fell in love in high school and have lasting, happy marriages today. “Only group dating”? It’s hard to get to know their heart if you are always in a group. It’s legalistic, whether Harris wants to be or not. And is it really so black and white that we should completely eliminate an entire facet of our lives until a certain time just to avoid pain? Harris thinks so. I do not.
February 15, 2008
I first heard of Josh Harris on a Christian radio station. I was driving and listening to him talk about the pitfalls of modern dating. I was so captivated by his message, that I sat in the car listening long after I arrived at my destination. I went and purchased this book the next day.
After the first chapter, I put it down. It was a lot to take in for an ex-feminist, control freak like me. I talked to my dad about it and decided to give the book a chance. My love life has never been the same.
It taught me that if I had continued to give away my heart to lots of boyfriends, I may have nothing left to give my husband. I'm not saying that this concept is easy to accept. I had to stuggle to read this book without rolling my eyes. Joshua backs all of his writing up with Biblical text. He tells it like it is.
This book is wonderful.
After the first chapter, I put it down. It was a lot to take in for an ex-feminist, control freak like me. I talked to my dad about it and decided to give the book a chance. My love life has never been the same.
It taught me that if I had continued to give away my heart to lots of boyfriends, I may have nothing left to give my husband. I'm not saying that this concept is easy to accept. I had to stuggle to read this book without rolling my eyes. Joshua backs all of his writing up with Biblical text. He tells it like it is.
This book is wonderful.
June 16, 2012
I thought the book title was preaching to the choir at & before the time I read it--I didn't care for the dating scene & still don't, but I like having some purpose to being single, rather than just accepting it as an accidental fate.
Josh Harris does a good job writing the book, & I feel bad that I didn't love it like so many people who reviewed it did.
It seemed odd that the premise of the book is "dating is stupid; but don't quit dating just b/c it's stupid, quit b/c there's something better out there called 'courtship'." Well first of all, to me, if I want to quit doing something b/c it's stupid, that's a good enough reason to quit! And secondly, I still don't see even one small remote difference in "dating" versus "courtship". It might as well be about "don't be a stripper, instead be an exotic dancer!"
I heard this book prompted a brief movement in the late-1990s to make it a goal to save your 1st kiss til the wedding day (someone should've told me that when I was a 2-year-old flower girl at my aunt & uncle's wedding!). But later, we learned that if you save the 1st kiss til the wedding, then your first kiss (which may even be awkward) will be done in public, in front of people who will think & expect you to do a lot more that night! So it's like making a quantum leap in your relationship w/in just a few hours! If anyone actually practiced that, I would love to hear how they made it work & if they would recommend that practice. Anyone?... ... Anyone?... Bueller?
Josh Harris does a good job writing the book, & I feel bad that I didn't love it like so many people who reviewed it did.
It seemed odd that the premise of the book is "dating is stupid; but don't quit dating just b/c it's stupid, quit b/c there's something better out there called 'courtship'." Well first of all, to me, if I want to quit doing something b/c it's stupid, that's a good enough reason to quit! And secondly, I still don't see even one small remote difference in "dating" versus "courtship". It might as well be about "don't be a stripper, instead be an exotic dancer!"
I heard this book prompted a brief movement in the late-1990s to make it a goal to save your 1st kiss til the wedding day (someone should've told me that when I was a 2-year-old flower girl at my aunt & uncle's wedding!). But later, we learned that if you save the 1st kiss til the wedding, then your first kiss (which may even be awkward) will be done in public, in front of people who will think & expect you to do a lot more that night! So it's like making a quantum leap in your relationship w/in just a few hours! If anyone actually practiced that, I would love to hear how they made it work & if they would recommend that practice. Anyone?... ... Anyone?... Bueller?
September 30, 2007
I read this book when I was a broken-hearted nineteen-year-old. At the time the idea of kissing dating goodbye and doing it in the name of God seemed like a grand idea. I think it was largely because I had no dates to kiss goodbye, so it gave me some noble reason to beyond the fact that girls didn't like me and the fact that despite my liking them I was terrified of them. I think Harris has some very valid points as best as I can remember, but they are a bit extreme and maybe even unrealistic. Anytime you set up a system of thought like that it can lead to feelings of guilt and legalism. I am prone to that sort of thing anyway, and I definitely dealt with it after trying my hardest to adopt the ideas in this book. If would feel guilty if I just liked a girl. In some way, I'm thankful that I went through this time in my life because I do think it has balanced out and saved me from just randomly chasing after girls for the fun of it. On the other hand, I don't know that I would have ever done that anyway. I think this book is good for high school kids, but it's probably not very practical once you get older. I saw Joshua Harris speak a few years ago, and I knew it would be really chessy and youth groupy. But you know what? It wasn't. He was a very good speaker, and everything he said was solid and scripturally sound. Oh, and he didn't talk about dating.
June 28, 2008
In this book Joshua Harris tells you to, as the title suggests, to kiss dating goodbye, suggesting that here is a better way to approach romance than simple "dating" could ever provide.
He urges you to ask yourself "what is your motivation in relationships, pleasing yourself or serving others?", "do you give yourself away physically or emotionally in ways you will regret when married?", and "does your current relationship hinder you from serving God as a single person?".
This book does not say that dating is sinful and explains that rejecting typical dating does not mean that you'll never spend time alone with a guy or girl.
Under his suggestions for the many different reasons to read this book he suggests it if you:
1. You just got out of a bad relationship, and you don't want to be hurt again. Not dating sounds like a great idea.
2. You just haven't felt comfortable with dating, and you're looking for alternatives.
3. You're ina great dating relationship, and you're curious why anyone would choose not to date.
This book is full of wonderful suggestions such as dating your wife or husband once you are married and many others.
He urges you to ask yourself "what is your motivation in relationships, pleasing yourself or serving others?", "do you give yourself away physically or emotionally in ways you will regret when married?", and "does your current relationship hinder you from serving God as a single person?".
This book does not say that dating is sinful and explains that rejecting typical dating does not mean that you'll never spend time alone with a guy or girl.
Under his suggestions for the many different reasons to read this book he suggests it if you:
1. You just got out of a bad relationship, and you don't want to be hurt again. Not dating sounds like a great idea.
2. You just haven't felt comfortable with dating, and you're looking for alternatives.
3. You're ina great dating relationship, and you're curious why anyone would choose not to date.
This book is full of wonderful suggestions such as dating your wife or husband once you are married and many others.
April 17, 2017
"it's like giving away piece of your heart to each person and by the time you get married, you're saying, "Here honey, here is all that is left."
sorry, but this quote alone took this one off my bookshelf. ridiculous, potentially hurtful and far too broad statements abound. (a definition of dating is in order. this may be somewhat true if dating=sex to you. If so, you probably aren't reading this book) While a conversation starter with some valid points, I think it is extra- biblical.
sorry, but this quote alone took this one off my bookshelf. ridiculous, potentially hurtful and far too broad statements abound. (a definition of dating is in order. this may be somewhat true if dating=sex to you. If so, you probably aren't reading this book) While a conversation starter with some valid points, I think it is extra- biblical.
partially-read
August 20, 2024This author recently announced that he no longer agrees with the ideas in this book and has kissed his marriage and Christian faith goodbye. Such sad news. 😔 He is also very openly claiming that in doing this, he feels "very much alive, and awake, and surprisingly hopeful", which is very concerning. I pray that God continues to pursue him and speak to his heart, and that he doesn't use his fame to convince others to also walk away from their faith.
May 23, 2011
I wanted to throw this book out of my car while driving at a neurotic speed. I rolled my eyes through the whole thing, and even now as im writing this review...
Seriously joshua harris?? I mean SERIOUSLY??
I read this whole book. Oh yes i did. And i could have said in two sentences what it took him 200 and something pages to write!
1. Women lock yourselves in the house, because you cant discern who to and not to date.
2. Put on a diaper and ask your daddy to start spoon feeding you again cause you cant do anything without him.
BAM theres your book joshey
Seriously joshua harris?? I mean SERIOUSLY??
I read this whole book. Oh yes i did. And i could have said in two sentences what it took him 200 and something pages to write!
1. Women lock yourselves in the house, because you cant discern who to and not to date.
2. Put on a diaper and ask your daddy to start spoon feeding you again cause you cant do anything without him.
BAM theres your book joshey
January 3, 2011
I'm a firm believer that there is no cookie-cutter way of dating. Everyone's story is different, yet, this book came off as if it is the ONLY way to do things. I'm not saying that the book is completely wrong, it brings up a few good points, but ultimately...I don't know that any book can tell you how to date or how to live.
May 28, 2008
The title of this book is different, which is why I picked it up in the first place. The book isn't so much about giving up dating as the title implies, it's more about not dating seriously until you are ready to get married, and to use the time gaining a strong relationships with good friends and especially with Heavenly Father. The author, Joshua Harris, really drives home the idea that singleness is not something to dread, but to realize it as a gift.
June 1, 2019
I read this book a bit apprehensively considering the multitude of opinions that swirl around it and the fact that the author himself has recently apologized for it and said he disagreed with the premise of his own book. That said, there were some helpful suggestions, thoughts, and ideas. There were also assumptions, suggestions, and thoughts in this book that were unhelpful. I won't go into lots of specifics but below are some more general thoughts about the book.
One issue with the book is that it is quite formulaic and rules-focused. Of course, formulas are often what we want to read - it gives us control and a defined route ahead. Maybe that's why this book sold so well. But when the focus is on the formula and the rules, the heart gets left out. Though many of the guidelines and rules suggested in this book are helpful, and most have good reasons behind them, there seemed to be a lack of motivation for the heart. Ultimately it's the heart that matters - you need to get your heart in the right place rather than just try harder to follow a list of rules. And I don't think the author was saying to just try harder to follow a list of rules, but in part, he came across like that. Maybe part of the issue was that he may have assumed readers would already have the 'right heart' coming into it, since it was aimed at Christians. I just think many would have appreciated more focus on the heart behind wanting to pursue purity.
Purity is obviously a huge focus of this book, and there really were things in this book that were helpful on the topic. One thing that stood out to me though, was the strong focus on physical purity - almost to the point that physical purity was equated to purity as a whole. Physical purity is most often what we think of when we hear the word purity, but there is so much more to purity than just the physical. People can be 'impure' without ever crossing any physical boundaries. I think it would have been really helpful if Josh had covered purity of the mind and heart more.
Another thing I noticed was a lack of grace. For many reading this book, I think a lot of guilt and shame could be felt - some is helpful and necessary, but I think there could be some that is unnecessary. Joshua Harris said in an article that a regret he has about this book is that it de-emphasized grace - the grace that is so central to the gospel - and I could see what he meant as I was reading.
Honestly, I don't want to bash this book. There are things in it that are biblical, helpful, and applicable. As the author outlines, there are a lot of issues with modern dating and it's good to be aware of that and think that through. At the same time the alternative suggestion needs to be carefully thought about. I'm glad I read it, because for me, it has created the opportunity to think about the things I've mentioned in this review (and things I haven't mentioned too). I just think it needs to be read prayerfully and with discernment.
(If you read this book, the documentary called I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye would be really helpful to watch. Thought-provoking and good to hear reflections on the book from Joshua Harris now, and other people too.)
One issue with the book is that it is quite formulaic and rules-focused. Of course, formulas are often what we want to read - it gives us control and a defined route ahead. Maybe that's why this book sold so well. But when the focus is on the formula and the rules, the heart gets left out. Though many of the guidelines and rules suggested in this book are helpful, and most have good reasons behind them, there seemed to be a lack of motivation for the heart. Ultimately it's the heart that matters - you need to get your heart in the right place rather than just try harder to follow a list of rules. And I don't think the author was saying to just try harder to follow a list of rules, but in part, he came across like that. Maybe part of the issue was that he may have assumed readers would already have the 'right heart' coming into it, since it was aimed at Christians. I just think many would have appreciated more focus on the heart behind wanting to pursue purity.
Purity is obviously a huge focus of this book, and there really were things in this book that were helpful on the topic. One thing that stood out to me though, was the strong focus on physical purity - almost to the point that physical purity was equated to purity as a whole. Physical purity is most often what we think of when we hear the word purity, but there is so much more to purity than just the physical. People can be 'impure' without ever crossing any physical boundaries. I think it would have been really helpful if Josh had covered purity of the mind and heart more.
Another thing I noticed was a lack of grace. For many reading this book, I think a lot of guilt and shame could be felt - some is helpful and necessary, but I think there could be some that is unnecessary. Joshua Harris said in an article that a regret he has about this book is that it de-emphasized grace - the grace that is so central to the gospel - and I could see what he meant as I was reading.
Honestly, I don't want to bash this book. There are things in it that are biblical, helpful, and applicable. As the author outlines, there are a lot of issues with modern dating and it's good to be aware of that and think that through. At the same time the alternative suggestion needs to be carefully thought about. I'm glad I read it, because for me, it has created the opportunity to think about the things I've mentioned in this review (and things I haven't mentioned too). I just think it needs to be read prayerfully and with discernment.
(If you read this book, the documentary called I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye would be really helpful to watch. Thought-provoking and good to hear reflections on the book from Joshua Harris now, and other people too.)
August 25, 2020
Reviewing this book now, in the wake of Harris' renunciation of not only the book, but the religious perspective that inspired it, is in many ways unfair. It's been more than twenty years since I read it (the '97 original); at the time, I would have given it 3 stars.
A book occupying I Kissed Dating Goodbye's niche in the late 90s was perhaps inevitable. Casual serial dating and hookup culture had been normalized for two or three decades, with significant support from pop-culture pressure and peer pressure (identifying with a subculture was not yet "okay" even to the extent that it is now). A significant minority of younger Gen Xers and older Millennials - not to mention their parents! - were uncomfortable with rampant dating, and the emotional and psychological trauma it caused many of their classmates made it easy to justify their fears. So a book by a fellow young person that persuasively advocated "responsible romance" was bound to be embraced.
If IKDG had been allowed to stand on its own - if it hadn't been couched within the toxic authoritarian culture of a particularly ill-bred Evangelicalism - if Harris hadn't followed it up with "courtship" advocacy, including the absurd Boy Meets Girl - then perhaps its legacy would have been less damaging.
As it stands, IKDG was:
- at best, a well-intended pendulum swung too far;
- accepted too-uncritically by those predisposed to agree with its arguments; and
- rejected too-uncritically by those predisposed to disagree.
With few exceptions, although it seemed to change many people's opinions, it changed almost no-one's behavior, and saved even fewer from heartache, relational baggage, and abuse.
If memory serves, its great error was repackaging the good advice guard your heart as the bad advice hide your heart, implying that the former means the latter.
A book occupying I Kissed Dating Goodbye's niche in the late 90s was perhaps inevitable. Casual serial dating and hookup culture had been normalized for two or three decades, with significant support from pop-culture pressure and peer pressure (identifying with a subculture was not yet "okay" even to the extent that it is now). A significant minority of younger Gen Xers and older Millennials - not to mention their parents! - were uncomfortable with rampant dating, and the emotional and psychological trauma it caused many of their classmates made it easy to justify their fears. So a book by a fellow young person that persuasively advocated "responsible romance" was bound to be embraced.
If IKDG had been allowed to stand on its own - if it hadn't been couched within the toxic authoritarian culture of a particularly ill-bred Evangelicalism - if Harris hadn't followed it up with "courtship" advocacy, including the absurd Boy Meets Girl - then perhaps its legacy would have been less damaging.
As it stands, IKDG was:
- at best, a well-intended pendulum swung too far;
- accepted too-uncritically by those predisposed to agree with its arguments; and
- rejected too-uncritically by those predisposed to disagree.
With few exceptions, although it seemed to change many people's opinions, it changed almost no-one's behavior, and saved even fewer from heartache, relational baggage, and abuse.
If memory serves, its great error was repackaging the good advice guard your heart as the bad advice hide your heart, implying that the former means the latter.
September 22, 2020
More than a decade has past and I still remember a good portion of the book.
While I did not embrace all the concepts (sorry, I can't think of anything specific), I do advocate for the premise that Christians tend to try to "fit" people into a fast intimacy because the other person is a Christian. Let me tell you, there are many people calling themselves Christians with the sole objective of tricking women (or men) into a manipulative relationship. These kinds of scenarios lead to much heartache and the betrayals tend to feel so much deeper because many naively believe that the other person won't hurt them.
Life is full of hurt. We can choose to be wise and take our time on observing another person's interactions with us and others, seeing them in the light of day. When we take the slow road, we give ourselves the opportunities to decide what flaws are acceptable and those that are not. When we rush intimacy (even emotionally by over disclosing) we can set ourselves up for overlooking behaviors that may be more obvious if we exercise caution and patience.
I think many of the readers assigning low ratings are those who didn't notice this key message or frankly, they are the ones a genuine seeker would notice if using the above principals. I have counseled many people and I see how quick moving relationships can lead to a lot of unhappiness down the road. True love doesn't occur instantaneously, it is more like a woven rug, which grows steadily.
While I did not embrace all the concepts (sorry, I can't think of anything specific), I do advocate for the premise that Christians tend to try to "fit" people into a fast intimacy because the other person is a Christian. Let me tell you, there are many people calling themselves Christians with the sole objective of tricking women (or men) into a manipulative relationship. These kinds of scenarios lead to much heartache and the betrayals tend to feel so much deeper because many naively believe that the other person won't hurt them.
Life is full of hurt. We can choose to be wise and take our time on observing another person's interactions with us and others, seeing them in the light of day. When we take the slow road, we give ourselves the opportunities to decide what flaws are acceptable and those that are not. When we rush intimacy (even emotionally by over disclosing) we can set ourselves up for overlooking behaviors that may be more obvious if we exercise caution and patience.
I think many of the readers assigning low ratings are those who didn't notice this key message or frankly, they are the ones a genuine seeker would notice if using the above principals. I have counseled many people and I see how quick moving relationships can lead to a lot of unhappiness down the road. True love doesn't occur instantaneously, it is more like a woven rug, which grows steadily.
February 25, 2019
My favorite part of this book was chapter 12, which was on singleness. A paragraph which reads, "One lady wrote to me, frustrated that people often view a single woman as just marking time until the right man comes along. "Poor single woman!" she continued. "The world wants her to fornicate, and the church wants her to marry!" Whatever happened to what Paul said about the blessings of being single?" (Let me just clarify end of quote)
Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!! Someone finally said something like this about being single (I'm sure someone else has spoken about this but you get my point!)
I have been asked what I plan on doing after graduating high school by different people. I told them I plan on going to a Bible college and the usual response is "Oh looking for a husband then?" and "Going to get your Mrs. degree?" Both of those made me so mad, my immediate response is "No, I want to be a missionary. God is the one in control of my life whatever he wills I'll either be a single missionary or a missionary who is married."
A wonderful reminder in this book was this "Marriage is not the finish line!"
Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!! Someone finally said something like this about being single (I'm sure someone else has spoken about this but you get my point!)
I have been asked what I plan on doing after graduating high school by different people. I told them I plan on going to a Bible college and the usual response is "Oh looking for a husband then?" and "Going to get your Mrs. degree?" Both of those made me so mad, my immediate response is "No, I want to be a missionary. God is the one in control of my life whatever he wills I'll either be a single missionary or a missionary who is married."
A wonderful reminder in this book was this "Marriage is not the finish line!"
April 28, 2018
I know a lot of people hate this book now, but I don't. I agree with quite a bit of it, actually.
On the subject of emotional purity, though...I'm not sure what to think about all that. You guys?
On the subject of emotional purity, though...I'm not sure what to think about all that. You guys?
August 29, 2015
Bullshit
November 18, 2012
Recently a Christian friend, knowing that we are Atheists, gave me some very weird books for my 19 year old daughter who is a single, Atheist student and was angry about the books. I read through them because their weirdness was so fascinating. I was aware of this book because we homeschool just as the Harris family did (Josh is a homeschool grad).
Yes, this is very weird. I have no problems with young people going out in groups but if someone thinks this will keep them from having sex, I have some oceanfront property in a corn field in Nebraska I'd like to sell you.
Again, here is an author that wants for you to let an imaginary god plan your life for you. I noticed the groups his ads promote the book to- those who just got dumped, the loser type who can't even get a date to get dumped, those raised by followers of christian mythology who have scared them away from the opposite sex, religious fanatics- in other words, poor pathetic people who no one is into anyway. Apparently this makes them feel better because they can pretend they didn't want to date anyway (think Aesop's "sour grapes" fable) and kissed it goodbye.
It always fascinates me how many Christians will promote biblical this and that even though something is nowhere to be found in the bible. For example, there is NO prohibition on birth control or abortion in the bible though people certainly were practicing both when the bible was written. Likewise, Josh Harris wants to promote the "biblical way to find a spouse- courtship". All I can say is- "Chapter and verse,please". There was NO courtship in the bible. The father sold the daughter to whomever he chose. One girl in the bible was raped and her dad chose to make peace with the rapist's family by marrying her to her rapist, saying all was made right by that. Huh?
That's right. If Joshua Harris really wanted to get down with his biblical self and really get married the biblical way, his dad needed to go out and purchase a virgin for him, have her checked out to see if she is a virgin and can cook, clean, and weave rugs, and then have them marry with her behind a veil with him seeing her for the first time AFTER the ceremony. The idea of courtship comes from the days of chivalry (Lancelot trying to steal Arthur's wife), not the bible. Women were property to be sold. In fact, many of the men had multiple wives and concubines (whores who lived in the family tents)and were considered beloved by god.
Since my daughter is no virgin and her dad and I have no desire to sell her off to anyone for money or camels, this won't work for us.
Yes, this is very weird. I have no problems with young people going out in groups but if someone thinks this will keep them from having sex, I have some oceanfront property in a corn field in Nebraska I'd like to sell you.
Again, here is an author that wants for you to let an imaginary god plan your life for you. I noticed the groups his ads promote the book to- those who just got dumped, the loser type who can't even get a date to get dumped, those raised by followers of christian mythology who have scared them away from the opposite sex, religious fanatics- in other words, poor pathetic people who no one is into anyway. Apparently this makes them feel better because they can pretend they didn't want to date anyway (think Aesop's "sour grapes" fable) and kissed it goodbye.
It always fascinates me how many Christians will promote biblical this and that even though something is nowhere to be found in the bible. For example, there is NO prohibition on birth control or abortion in the bible though people certainly were practicing both when the bible was written. Likewise, Josh Harris wants to promote the "biblical way to find a spouse- courtship". All I can say is- "Chapter and verse,please". There was NO courtship in the bible. The father sold the daughter to whomever he chose. One girl in the bible was raped and her dad chose to make peace with the rapist's family by marrying her to her rapist, saying all was made right by that. Huh?
That's right. If Joshua Harris really wanted to get down with his biblical self and really get married the biblical way, his dad needed to go out and purchase a virgin for him, have her checked out to see if she is a virgin and can cook, clean, and weave rugs, and then have them marry with her behind a veil with him seeing her for the first time AFTER the ceremony. The idea of courtship comes from the days of chivalry (Lancelot trying to steal Arthur's wife), not the bible. Women were property to be sold. In fact, many of the men had multiple wives and concubines (whores who lived in the family tents)and were considered beloved by god.
Since my daughter is no virgin and her dad and I have no desire to sell her off to anyone for money or camels, this won't work for us.
March 7, 2015
My overall problem with the book is the author seems to have his own ideas about dating and marriage and uses the Bible to support them instead of starting with the Bible or God and forming his ideas from there. There are no biblical grounds to either support or disprove his claims. The Bible just doesn't talk about these issues directly. Although he makes a statement that dating isn't a sin, the rest of his words suggest otherwise. I'm frightened this book became as popular as it did because it's supporting the idea we need a bunch of rules and restrictions to follow God and brings the focus further still from His love. That does nothing to spread God's love and everything to encourage feelings of shame and guilt. Because religion doesn't have quite enough guilt as it is.
The problems with women expressed within this book have been discussed many times before so I won't go into detail. I don't care if this is an "old" book. The idea that women never get to experience free-will is sickening. Someone is always "responsible" for her "protection." Once she leaves the protection of her parents, she enters the protection of her husband. It must be easy to write if it doesn't affect you but I don't even want to think about the toxic mindset required to reduce ~50% of the population to property. And bring more guilt to those who feel otherwise.
I almost get the impression he never really thought deeply about some of the subjects he speaks on and instead regurgitates what he learned in church. "Don't have sex." "Only date Christians." I also don't feel he was in a good spiritual mindset to write an instructional book. He struggled with "physical involvement" and premature emotional intimacy in relationships, as well as blatantly stating he equates sex with marriage. I just see someone compensating for previous failures by adopting the other extreme. Instead of confronting his shortcomings, he goes the long way around by avoiding them completely. I think this book would have worked better if it had only chronicled his own experiences and let others take from it what they wish rather than trying to be the savior of the Christian dating scene. He speaks beyond his knowledge and the book suffers for it.
The problems with women expressed within this book have been discussed many times before so I won't go into detail. I don't care if this is an "old" book. The idea that women never get to experience free-will is sickening. Someone is always "responsible" for her "protection." Once she leaves the protection of her parents, she enters the protection of her husband. It must be easy to write if it doesn't affect you but I don't even want to think about the toxic mindset required to reduce ~50% of the population to property. And bring more guilt to those who feel otherwise.
I almost get the impression he never really thought deeply about some of the subjects he speaks on and instead regurgitates what he learned in church. "Don't have sex." "Only date Christians." I also don't feel he was in a good spiritual mindset to write an instructional book. He struggled with "physical involvement" and premature emotional intimacy in relationships, as well as blatantly stating he equates sex with marriage. I just see someone compensating for previous failures by adopting the other extreme. Instead of confronting his shortcomings, he goes the long way around by avoiding them completely. I think this book would have worked better if it had only chronicled his own experiences and let others take from it what they wish rather than trying to be the savior of the Christian dating scene. He speaks beyond his knowledge and the book suffers for it.
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