Stop Walking on Eggshells (Third Edition): Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

by Randi Kreger

Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped more than a million people with friends and family members suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand this difficult disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones to stop relying on dangerous behaviors. This fully revised and updated third edition includes the very latest BPD research, extensive new information on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), comorbidity and the effectiveness of schema therapy, and includes coping and communication skills readers can use to stabilize their relationship with the BPD or NPD sufferer in their life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Audiobook

442 pages, Paperback

Published October 10, 2023

About the author

Randi Kreger is a best-selling author of books about borderline personality disorder. Her site also offers a number of specialized booklets and CDs for family members. The site is also a conduit to her online family support community "Welcome to Oz."

Reviews

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened on audiobook. Helped me so much.

[Jewel · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book does way more to depress you about how terrible it is to have to love someone with BPD than it does to help you actually "stop walking on eggshells" and get your life back.

[iness · Rating 1 out of 5]

I burnt this book, that's how insensitive it was to people with BPD

[Hannah Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helped me distinguish some of the signs and symptoms of the borderline personality disorder. It would be more helpful if it included more tips and tools how to prevent episodes, manage situations, and handle people with the disorder!

[Ashley Foster · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this audibook based on a recommendation from my therapist, and I'm glad I did.

Overall, a helpful guide that provides a lot of insight and does a good job not to vilify those with mental illness, but provide necessary tools to protect yourself from further abuse. If you struggle to maintain boundaries with BPD individuals, this is recommended listening for a reason. You'll understand that although you might feel guilty for sticking to your boundaries, everyone is better off for it. While you don't have the power to change others, you DO have the power to change yourself.

[Tess · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book to be a good starting place to understand the social and internal mechanics of BPD and NPD. As someone who has read other titles (books, journal articles, research, college classes, etc.) on the subject, I'll say that this book definitely does not provide a complete picture of the disorder. It also seems like it is a much better resource for individuals who wish to remain in relationships with their loved ones with BPD and not those who need to break contact. That being said, this book was very educational for me as a psych student and a great starting place for people who want to learn more about the disorder.

[Pamela · Rating 5 out of 5]

This provided so much relative insight. highly recommend.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

ohft

[Valerie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t like their description and portrayal of BPD but think that the suggestions for how to address communication and boundary setting were helpful.

[Lucinda Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

From a list of books to read if your parents fucked you up. Though I don’t necessarily have any narcissistic or BPD people in my life anymore, still a good book. Good tools and conversation templates for having difficult conversations with people whose actions don’t make traditional logical sense, setting boundaries, and protecting yourself, your family, and the diagnosed person from harm. Would recommend to anyone confused or suffering in a chaotic/“toxic” relationship, regardless of whether this specific diagnosis would be accurate or not it’s a good starting point.

[Walter Robles · Rating 4 out of 5]

It starts with explanations on what BPD and narcissism is and how a lot of people have both, but eventually gives parents the tools to help their children and not give up, but also how to leave if the adult children refuse to help themselves and start acusing them in court, tells spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends how to hang on if they want to stay but also tells them if the BPD person is unwilling to work together that statistics show it will fail, but if they recognize and seek help most people will have a good relationship, I find it very balanced if you read it completely, but of course it's pretty obvious a person with bpd might find this as an attack instead of understanding that is a way of his partner of saying I'm having trouble coping with this but I really need help on how to help you so we can both get our needs met.

I would totally recommend this book to a significant other of a person with BPD if and only if they are willing to finish it, if not this can be used as a weapon, specially if narcisists use it to turn tables.

[Danell · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an OK starting place - please know that is for people in relationships with those who struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder so it places focus on the support, communication skills, and boundary setting needs that they have rather than building understanding of BPD. Newer research is finding that BPD is a trauma-related disorder and therefore, treatment focus and options are beginning to reflect this as well as offer more compassion and empathy for those who struggle with BPD.

[Shiva Das · Rating 1 out of 5]

So much worse than I could've predicted. This book was recommended to me as a "non-vilifying" resource and it is not that. If you have BPD or care about someone with BPD, I highly recommend reading Lost In the Mirror by Richard Moskowitz instead. This book essentially treats people with BPD as lost causes, the people in their lives as unquestionable victims, and is unbelievably misinformed.

The author, Randi, has no qualifications other than starting an online support group. They continually conflate BPD and NPD traits.

The book is ridiculed with speculation. Example: on page 160, the author states that "the percentage of physically abusive women who have BPD is probably much higher [than the reported percentage of men, which is 30%]". No study confirms this.

Many other "facts" are presented with no citation. Some are easily disproven or contradicted by other parts of the book. Example: on page 166, they state that "about 10% of people with BPD attempt suicide." This is incorrect. The actual number is around 70%, with 10% COMPLETING suicide. Another example: on page 2, they state that 40% of people with BPD also have NPD. Then on page 39, they say the percentage is "16 to 39."

Much of the book is just quoting Randi's online support group posts.

This is not a resource as much as it is the authors airing their grievances about someone with BPD they clearly felt mistreated by.

[Alicia Bayer · Rating 1 out of 5]

Really vilifies people with BPD. I have loved ones who have been diagnosed with BPD by true experts and they are not at all the way people with BPD are portrayed in this book. I had hoped the revised edition would correct some of the way the first edition painted all BPD sufferers as monsters but that hasn’t changed.

If you are angry about your relationship with someone with BPD or narcissistic personality disorder (strangely, they are grouped together here like they are the same disorder), then this will be a good book if you want to feel validated in hating them and standing up to them. Otherwise, it is not much of a resource.

Note that I have been unable to find evidence that Kreger has any formal training at all in psychology, psychiatry or Borderline Personality Disorder. Her bio is all about how she has led groups, written books, given speeches and lived with someone who had BPD and narcissistic personality disorder for 50 years. She strikes me as someone who has built an enormously profitable career on giving comfort to people with mentally ill loved ones who have been making them miserable, but her books are extremely damaging to the people who have these illnesses and she does not seem to have had any actual training in treatment for people with BPD or their families.

[Yycdaisy]

Liked the chapter on Protecting Children from BPD Behavior. Very interesting advice about going to court and how it threatens the fragile identity and insecurities of someone with BPD:
1. Think strategically, not reactively. Don't act impulsively if you get angry.
2. Choose your battles. Some issues don't need a response.
3. Don't make yourself a target. In court innocent things you've said/done may be twisted for adversarial purposes. Keep your composure.
4. Be very honest. Things that are half-true are harder to deny than statements you can prove to be totally false.
5. Gather evidence that shows the true nature of your spouse's behavior patterns. Some of the most useful evidence may appear during the actual court case.

[Chris Allmon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an incredible resource, and I only wish I had found it early in my last relationship. It really helps understand whats happening with a BPD partner. Even if there ends up being nothing you can do to help someone who doesnt want to be helped, understanding the issue and the neurological conditions can help regulate your own emotional responses to BPD related abuse, as well as help you take action to save your own mental health.

[Matt Fogarty · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had come across this book years ago. As someone who was married to a partner with BPD it would’ve been very helpful in navigating a lot of the problems that we had in a relationship. I am grateful that I read it as it will help with the coparenting relationship and communicating through issues that they come up. Some of the tactics I had already been aware of through other resources and experiences. Overall, definitely worth a read if you have a loved one who battles with BPD or NPD.

[Emily Brezina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like if I had read this book sooner and learned the coping strategies/skills recommended I would have been able to stay in my previous relationship. I loved hearing the stories from people with BPD and the people who were close to them. I believe I learned a lot about BPD, its effects on their loved ones, the struggle people with BPD face, and DBT skills and resources.

I love when it said that you triggered their explosive behavior, but you didn’t cause it.

Highly recommend!

[Elia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fairly new to the world of borderline personality disorder and I found this book helpful in laying out the medical side of the disorder. How to have compassion for people with BPD. I also found a lot of useful information on how to take care of myself and my children. How to look at my relationship moving forward who has signs of BPD.

[Santino Esposito · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is invaluable for anyone with a borderline person in their life. This book contains tactics you can use to help yourself manage a relationship with someone who has BPD and deepen your understanding of the disorder. The advice present is deep and meaningful beyond any online self-help guide or advice I've received from therapy.

[kelsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parts of this book were extremely helpful to me to understand more deeply how my loved one struggles. Parts of this book made me beyond angry.Parts of this book made me extremely sad. For my loved one and myself.
Overall I am walking away with a better understanding of BPD my loved one and myself. Worth the time and emotional ups and downs.

[Stephanie Bowden · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really insightful and gave me a lot of tools to use with a family member suffering from BPD. It validated my feelings and hard decisions I have had to make to protect my own peace. Highly recommend if you need insight on BPD.

[Brad · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you live this lifestyle, this is a great book. Lots of relatable tips and suggestions for how to make things better. I review it from time to time when I'm helping a client or dealing with someone who pushes those buttons for me.

[Jane Lebak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seems like a pretty solid book about dealing with the behaviors, fears, and thoughts of someone with BPD. The advice seemed sound. The authors were not all-over negative about BPD. I listened to the audio, and it was well done.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

You might NEED to read this book. If you or someone you know is caught in a relationship filled with huge highs and dangerous, devastating lows - read this book! It helps explain behavior and helps you set boundaries to keep yourself mentally stable and safe.

[Samer Aldroubi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practically oriented. Also really good at helping the person on the other side consider the baggage they may have.

[Benjamin Rodgers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good information. Relatable but hard to put into practice.

[Kalee McFall · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like this book was helpful in me understanding my persons borderline personality disorder, and gave me some tools on how to do things.

[Esha · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent resource for family/friends of those with BPD.
Wouldn't suggest persons with BPD read it unless they're in therapy/recovery.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clear, concise knowledge and advice about borderline personality disorder. Will definitely recommend this book to clients.