Intimate Connections

by David D. Burns

In this breakthrough book, Dr. David Burns, M.D., author of the bestselling Feeling Good, applies the proven principles of Cognitive Therapy to eliminating the negative thinking and low self-esteem that causes loneliness and shyness. With sensible and sensitive advice, case histories, and revealing exercises, this step-by-step program shows you how to:

- Pinpoint and rid yourself of attitudes that keep you apart from others
- Master the techniques that make you feel and look more attractive
- Deal with people who give you the runaround
- Resist romantic temptations not in your best interest
- Release inhibitions to conquer performance anxiety and enhance sexual pleasure
- Develop fulfilling relationships . . . and more

"Revelatory . . . Burns understands on a gut level."--The Chicago Tribune

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Communication, Personal Development, Love

368 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 1984

About the author

David D. Burns is an American psychiatrist and adjunct professor emeritus in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine. He is the author of bestselling books such as Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, The Feeling Good Handbook and Feeling Great: The Revolutionary New Treatment for Depression and Anxiety.
Burns popularized Albert Ellis's and Aaron T. Beck's cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) when his books became bestsellers during the 1980s. In a January 2021 interview, Burns attributed his rise in popularity and much of his success to an appearance in 1988 on The Phil Donahue Show, to which he was invited by the producer after helping her teenage son with depression.

Reviews

[Amy Christensen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have to say that I dislike the author’s tone. I wanted to forgive him for his attitude towards women as a product of the time in which this book was written. However, as I read on, it became clear to me that he was a misogynist who clearly has nothing but contempt for women. And more dangerously, he implies that he can “cure” pedophilia with cognitive therapy.

That said, I finished the book because I was impressed with some points that he made which caused me to have personal revelations.

I wasn’t aware that my self-esteem was so dangerously low.

I didn’t think I was particularly lonely but I am very quick to judge people. I was startled to have this behavior outlined in the book as common with lonely people. I thought I liked to be alone but I do not cook for myself and often my home becomes quite disorganized because I stop caring. Meaning I stop caring about myself.

This book was heavily focused on sex. However it completely disregarded any discussion on healthy boundaries. Women in particular were encouraged to manipulate men who were unfaithful so that they could “win” them back. I found that disturbing along with the tale of the pedophile.

I learned some things about myself reading this book so it does make me want to attempt reading A Hero With A Thousand Faces again which I hated and refused to finish. Perhaps I would learn something if I tried again. This book showed me that you can often learn something valuable from a complete asshole.

[Mostafa · Rating 5 out of 5]

David burns uses CBT to learn how to reduce anxiety and increase self-confidence in your relationship(s) ... . Burns says that the very first step to start a relationship is self-esteem. You should build a good life for yourself first, become an independently happy person. Now when you have a happy life other people will be interested to have a relation with you....

Useful tips, tricks, trends, experience.

[Lisa (Harmonybites) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Burns is the author of Feeling Good which uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to lift mood. This therapy is grounded in a theory of psychology that at the root of emotional troubles are distorted thinking. Untwist the thinking, the rest follows. I think there's a lot of truth in this take on psychology. All of us run "scripts" in our heads. Naturally if you put yourself down, keep saying in your mind that a situation is hopeless, the emotions will follow. In Intimate Connections, Burns argues that above all we need to work on ourselves before we reach out to others. Ironically, it's when we can stand on our own, be happy by ourselves, that we'll be attracted to others. To that end he provides examples, explanations and exercises to work towards personal mental health and healthy relationships.

[Megan Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

The self-esteem advice bits in this book, and the methods used, are excellent! It's more a book for folks with extreme relationship / self-esteem issues, but it's full of useful tidbits for everybody. My only gripe is that some of his relationship models are kind of... outdated. But otherwise, very lovely.

[Tracy Mills · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great insight for singles! All my single friends should read this.

[Zheng · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a reader in 2016, it was stunning how much of the self-esteem, dating, and mental-health advice in this work was still relevant. Turns out most of the non-toxic and helpful information in the dating advice industry had already been laid out by Dr. Burns in the 80's.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is typically used to treat issues of depression, anxiety and other mild-to-moderate mental health issues. Dating is a huge source of these problems, especially in modern society and so using CBT to address internal struggles is a no-brainer.

Dr. Burns advocates for self-love/esteem/respect while developing genuine coping mechanisms for difficult situations. He also supports assertiveness and re-assessing what we subconsciously perceive as risk (eg. asking someone out and risking rejection. which isn't a huge risk at all).

Overall, this is a classic for me in self-help, dating, and psychology subgenres of non-fiction. Aside from a few specific outdated tips (like placing personal ads in newspapers), this book has aged incredibly well.

[L Cam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very easy to read for a self-help/psychology book. Some bits/examples aren't applicable all around. I like mostly the writing templates than the content itself. It is a good book for people who are lonely in a romantic sense. Loneliness in a non-romantic sense is not as addressed in this book even though they are a type of intimate connection. You can apply some of those strategies in a different context. The self-esteem part in this I think is probably the most important in this, because there's nothing wrong with being alone as it addresses.

[Pedro Rustizu · Rating 2 out of 5]

Frankly it doesn't help much. Resuming: go out, get tonnes of activities and eventually you'll meet someone. Nowadays, just try online dating, improve your visual, read something and accept rejections.

[Natasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read. I have a degree in psychology, have completed lots of continuing education courses plus tons of hours of personal therapy, and read lots of books... yet I still found SO MANY insights from this book. Definitely made me re-think my problems in building a romantic relationship. Absolutely recommend it.

[Miki · Rating 4 out of 5]

1. Understanding loneliness
Determining ur problems by *Intimacy profile test-/Low self-esteem; Romantic perfectionism; Emotional Perfectionism; Shyness and social anxiety; Hopelessness; Alienation and isolation; Rejection sensitivity; Fear of being alone; Disclosure phobia; Inassertiveness; Resentment and bitterness; Defensiveness and fear of criticism; Depression; The trapped factor-(See love as a burden or duty)/
2. Self-love comes first
3. Making connections
/Smile; Hello; Flirt/
/Dress ur best; Pick out ur good features and capitalize on them; Increase ur self-esteem; To build qualities opposite sex want/
4. Getting close
/To list qualities u're looking for in a mate /Rate ur partner according to that list, and define min percentage u can be with him/her to avoid 100 percent perfectionism/
5. Making love - Overcoming sexual insecurity for both male and female

*Suggested to use methods for unnecessary thoughts of all above areas from his book 'Feeling Good'

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was my very first book to read from the self-help library.
I enjoyed reading it twice.

If you are new in self-help, this book is the best David's book to read and understand intimate connections.

I read it twice.

[Gryffin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book talks about skills both men and women could adopt in seeking a romantic relationship, but I feel it the author assumes this book has more male readers than females. Many skills are suitable for men than women. And about one third of skills are outdated.

[Lucas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Buen segundo libro de este maravilloso psicólogo. Si te gusta la psicología en general, no defraudan sus libros.

[Vahe Torozyan · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you look at title it seams to be another pop psychology book, but in reality great work from world well known expert.

[manaal]

books written for someone who is the exact inverse of me, probably

[William McConnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Throw out a lot of what you thought you knew about loneliness and read this book

[Heiki Eesmaa · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's pretty outdated. I like it as the author is quite the character, have heard a few of his interviews and so can 'hear' the book in his voice.

[Ayush Sinha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kinda outdated but completely blew my mind about relationships

[Sasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing! This book has opened my eyes!!!

[Hilary Whatley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like how he explains the concept of giving as much as you're getting. Don't invest more than someone is investing in you.

He also explains tricky situations, and how to navigate them by using RESPECT rather than manipulation. So, for instance, when a person starts to become wishy-washy about you, wanting to explore their options, the answer is NOT to play games, manipulate, try to be elusive, etc... The answer is to LET THEM (respect), while also respecting yourself. True self-respect would have us moving on, but independent of the other persons' actions, and with enough time to fully process our emotions. It is us being REAL.

This all boils down to the self-esteem foundation that he encourages us to build in the book. Once you've got the self-love, you can allow people to come and go from your life without clinging or controlling them. You can do this because you can live without their love -- because you have love for yourself, your REAL self.

[Ajita Gupta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very logical reasoning and good arguments to get rid of destructive thoughts and patterns.

[Tala · Rating 3 out of 5]

The most important thing that I learn from the book is loving myself first and then to love people.

[Nathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is great book, with a lot of practical advice on applying cognitive behavioral therapy in your own life, and supported by compelling anecdotes. It has some good exercises to help you become less shy and become more confident, e.g. smile at 5 strangers every day. I would give it 5 stars, except I don't like the emphasis on playing games in the beginning of relationships. The author's position is that this is unavoidable, and everyone does it, and things will become more sincere down the road, but you won't get there if you don't play games in the beginning. This is a very small part of the book, and should not discourage you from reading it. Indeed, the author may be right; I'm just not convinced, and hope he's wrong.

[Carl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. Has a lot of psychology splashed in to the self-exploration and self-help. Another book that just helps you compartmentalize your analysis of yourself.

B/B = BUY

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Cognitive therapy used to fix problems in relationships and with the self.

[Zarathustra Goertzel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fairly good short book. The author eloquently points out many internal-thoughts that could be associated with social troubles. He further provides simple methods and examples to change them.

[Tej · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life changing book .... Learning to love & like urself is very important... This book is just greatt