Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way

by Gary Chapman

CAGE THE RAGE WITH CLARITY AND CONFIDENCE. A relative makes a tactless comment about your child's weight.
The guy behind you on the expressway follows too closely.
Your spouse lets the gas tank go down to empty . . . again.

Getting angry is easy. Daily irritations, frustrations, and pain poke at us. Feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection, and embarrassment prod in us. And once the unwieldy cluster of emotions of anger are aroused, our thoughts and actions can feel out of control and impossible to manage. Dr. Gary Chapman, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages ®, offers helpful-and sometimes surprising-insights into why you get angry and what you can do about it. Using real-life stories and practical principles, Chapman explains how you can channel anger in ways that are healthy and productive. You'll also be equipped to help those you love (including your children) deal with their own anger, as well as effectively deal with those long-simmering feelings of anger toward people in your past. Includes an assessment that will help you discover your personal propensity toward handling anger and how to effectively tame it when it arises.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Christian, Marriage, Personal Development, Christian Living

227 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 2007

About the author

Gary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.

Reviews

[stinaz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nowhere on the blurb or in my summary glance of reviews was there any information about this book being written for a Christian audience and with a very strong Christian focus. Ignoring those facts and those parts of the book (of which there is a lot), there are still some very useful tips and ideas about anger, from why it occurs, what different types of anger there are, how to identify which type of anger you are experiencing and how to process anger and deal with anger - both from your own perspective and that of others.

Having just started reading up on anger and dealing with it, I had just previously finished The Cow in the Parking Lot by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston and found it much more insightful, more thorough and definitely more compassionate. Particularly it went into some logical reasons as to the reasons behind anger instead of Chapman's response of God (which isn't very scientific, nor does it really appeal to common sense). Also compared to The Cow (as I'll call it in short), I disliked how Chapman suggested that you should in some cases be angry with others and confront them on their wrong in order to rebuke them and seek to rectify the situation. Whereas within the Zen focus it is illustrated that you can only control your own feelings and should aim for compassion, rather than confronting someone (whose feelings and actions you cannot control) and seeking admission and some sort of retribution - even if in an open way. Further, the steps here were very similar so if I were to recommend a book on anger it would definitely be The Cow instead of this one.

However, there were some specific extras that Chapman went into, such as specific details for dealing with a spouse, with children and with another person exhibiting anger. And overall, the information was still relevant to anyone, Christian or otherwise (although I didn't really like the undertone that this book was really just for Christians - creating a feeling of "the other" outsider for anyone who is not Christian). Hence the 3 stars instead of just 2.

[Emer O'Toole · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't usually review DNF, but I'm angry that the people marketing this book thought they'd make a buck by omitting from all publicity materials the fact that it is a big god-bothery chunk of evangelical Christian pie. The words "Christian" or "God" don't even feature in the blurb. Like, Chapman's answer to the first of the book's two main questions, i.e. where does anger come, is "the Divine Nature," which he proceeds to back up by quoting Leviticus. I'm even more angry that the reason for my anger prevents me from reading further to figure out how to handle my powerful emotion in a healthy way. Meta-anger. It's cool. You should try it.

[Crizzle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wisdom!
Author of The Five Love Languages writes about the emotion anger, why in and of itself it is not a bad thing, then how to handle different types of anger.
How to Handle Your Anger:
1. Consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry.
2. Restrain your immediate response.
3. Locate the focus of your anger.
4. Analyze your options.
5. Take constructive action.

I love this quote on forgiveness: "Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment to accept the person in spite of what he or she has done. It is a decision to show mercy"

Anger Agreements in Marriage
1. Acknowledge the reality of your anger, remembering that anger itself is not sinful.
2. Agree to acknowledge anger to each other (don't make them guess).
3. Agree that verbal or physical explosions against the other person are not appropriate reactions- they'll make things worse.
4. Agree to seek an explanation before jumping to conclusions.
5. Agree to seek resolution and reconciliation.
6. Agree to affirm your love for each other.

Helping Your Kids Handle Anger
1. Model healthy behavior.
2. Guide your child through her anger explosions.
3. Give instruction rooted in unconditional love, positive modeling, and loving guidance.

When You're Angry at God
1. Take the anger to Him.
2. Pay attention to where He may be speaking.
3. Report for further duty.

Are You Angry at Yourself?
1. Admit your anger.
2. Examine your anger.
3. If it's valid, confess wrong-doing to God and accept His forgiveness.
4. Choose to forgive rather than berate yourself.
5. Learn from your failures.

Confronting an Angry Person
1. Listen to the person.
2. Listen to the person.
3. Listen to the person.
4. Try to understand, ask yourself if you'd be angry in the same situation.
5. Express your understanding of the situation.
6. Share any additional information that may shed light on the subject.
7. Confess any wrong-doing and seek to make right.

[N G · Rating 1 out of 5]

As an atheist I was disappointed that the pre-purchase Amazon review of the book failed to mention Gary Chapman's Christianity based approach. I'd already purchased the book when this became evident. I would not have purchased it had I known. I do believe this was a deliberate omission designed for the purpose it achieved ( in my case).  I read through the book and although I  found the non-faith parts useful, 70% of this book is religion and should, I think, be marketed as such. 

[Jessica B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm so glad I gave Chapman a chance. I thought the 5 love language stuff sounded corny and oversimplified. I think he has some good thoughts. This is his third book I've listened to recently and I so appreciate it. And yes, I totally read this for me. Not super proud of needing this book, but it's too great not to share. My favorite thing about the book was the part where the author takes apart the argument that says anger itself is a sin. Anger is not a sin, it's our natural response to perceived injustice. It might seem like a little point, but I do believe it's extremely helpful on removing the shame of admitting anger instead of burying it or exploding with it. He unpacks healthy ways of processing anger. I will let him explain, but it's good stuff.

[JustHB · Rating 1 out of 5]

At no point does this mention anywhere it is a religious book that preaches about anger. I'm not against religion, as long as it isn't rammed down my throat. This pretty much does that.

On one page there are 20 direct references to God. There areally scriptures, quotes from the old testament, repenting: pretty much the whole shebang.

[Denise · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really good book to read at this stage of my life. I think that I have always thought that anger was a sinful emotion, but Chapman explains that it is not. It is actually how you respond to the anger that can be sinful.

This book has chapters that help readers work through being angry at different people. I especially appreciate the chapter about being angry with your children. As a new foster mom, I have been trying to help my kids with their own anger. Chapman's words really touched home with me, giving me some encouragement as to where I have been doing things right, as well as advising me on how to do better.

[Liam Walsh · Rating 1 out of 5]

"The human capacity for anger is rooted in the nature of God." If you're looking for a book with some Christian gobbledygook every few sentences this is the book for you.

[Cassie Webb · Rating 5 out of 5]

anger is a response.
anger is fed by feelings
anger is opposite of love-sets you away from people.
anger is found 455 times in the old testament-375 refer to gods anger. jesus demonstrates anger.
when you dont experience anger you have lost your sense of moral concern.
you have to ack to yourself that you are angry so you can not be controlled by your emotions.
anger is not sin- your actions following may be. “in your anger do not sin” eph 4:26
dont speak in your anger, you will regret it.
only 2 options for christians: lovingly confront or consciously decide to overlook the issue. confronting may hold little redemptive value so accept the wrong and commit them to god- give up right to revenge, refuse to let it eat away at you. this is called forbearance. he is a just and merciful god and loves me and will do what is right.
if a brother sins rebuke him, if he repents forgive him.
write your rebuke before speaking it.
definitive anger is based on genuine wrong, distorted anger is based on perception of wrong. restrain your immediate response.
much of our anger grows out of internal emotional and thinking patterns that developed through the years.
perfectionists hold others to their high expectations and get angry when they dont meet those.
assuming we feel loved and respected by SO, most of us are willing to make changes if they are in form of request rather than demand.
how to process anger:
1. share information
2. gather information
3. negotiate understanding
4. request change
how to respond to anger:
1. consciously ack you are angry
2. restrain your immediate response
3. locate the focus of anger
4. analyze the options
5. take constructive action
we distort the good gifts of god. the sin of eden is repeated daily. we twist gods intention. not all anger is of equal value.
if a person who wronged you refuses to acknowledge or repent of the sin they did to you, treat them as a pagan, whether or not they really are an unbeliever, but that sin has driven a divide between you, and you can treat them as not a close friend.
there can be no freedom without the possibility of evil.

[Cara Devine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the recommended summer read for my Stephen Ministry group at church. Anger is a tough issue - your own and others - so it is nice to have a constructive roadmap on how to make your way out of it. It seems like a lot of people either blow up or clam up - the key is constructive conversation that affirms your regard for the other person, and a pathway to reconciliation. I got some good pointers from the book.

[Jason Townsend · Rating 3 out of 5]

What I love about Chapman are his stories. He is great at putting real-life case studies into his work, which really makes concepts easy to understand.

This book was very disappointing for another reason - it's bias towards Christians. Nowhere in the summary OR on the cover was there any mention that this book specifically targets Christians. As I am not, the wording of the book was very difficult (citing many verses of the Bible as examples) and even going so far as to suggest that non-Christians cannot be helped! Very disappointing, and a far cry from the way the 5 Love Languages - one of my all-time favourite books - was written.

I felt deceived when reading. Chapman could have made it clearer that this book was written for Christians.

[Roselyn Blonger · Rating 1 out of 5]

¡Este libro es una estafa! Promete enseñarnos cómo manejar el enojo de manera saludable, pero en lugar de eso, hace hincapié en entender por qué el enojo es aceptable desde la perspectiva de su dios y olvida por completo lo demás. La repetitiva mención de ejemplos bíblicos y citas divinas transforman lo que debería haber sido una guía práctica en un libro sobre religión.

El enfoque excesivo en la religión reduce la efectividad del libro como guía para abordar un sentimiento tan humano y universal. El título prometedor del libro no se corresponde con su contenido real, y esto puede llevar a una experiencia frustrante para aquellos que buscan aprender y aplicar estrategias para gestionar el enojo de manera constructiva.

Fue una pérdida de tiempo.

[Judi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I chose this book as one of my required readings for my Correctional Ministries courses. I found it very beneficial for use in my ministry and would also use in my Bible study group. I plan to try to follow some of the recommended steps in dealing with my own episodes of anger. It was healthy to see that anger is not a sin, doesn't have to be bad, and that God gave us this characteristic so we could solution our problems. Without it - we could be mere robots. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to understand their own anger, how to deal with anger toward a spouse and/or with your children. Easy to read / understand and contains lots of Biblical references and examples.

[Barbara Woodke · Rating 1 out of 5]

I got maybe 5 minutes into the audiobook version. He went straight to "What does the Bible say..." I wanted help with handling my PTSD. Considering a big part of my issue is having a restraining order against my super religious ex-husband that used the Bible as an excuse to literally beat me into submission, the absolute LAST thing I wanted to hear was about the Christian God. No thanks. Hard pass.

[Valerie Perez · Rating 5 out of 5]

a very helpful way to see anger from a religious standpoint. Even saying that I think this would be very beneficial for Lay people and in my profession as a psychologist when working with clients with anger. this will definitely be helpful in people's relationships and in people's work within themselves as well.

[Robert · Rating 2 out of 5]

A big disappointment

The publisher should have made it more clear that this is a strongly religious book. There were a few useful things, but the heavy emphasis on a Christian approach really detracted for me, and I would not have purchased this book had I realized it was so rooted in Christianity.

[Sadie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is practically a bible reading he says the word Jesus/god 40 times a chapter nothing wrong with that but atleast give warning that it is very Christian centred. Also, his examples are so scripted and unrealistic in regards to how angry people speak.

[Sarah Collier · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book & learned a lot about anger & handling it well - not avoiding it but responding in a better way. This would be a great read for everyone - we all experience anger (whether you realize it or not). So many good quotes from this but here are some of my favorites:

All of us can learn much about processing our anger more effectively.

Although we normally think of anger as an emotion, it is in reality a cluster of emotions involving the body, the mind, and the will.

Anger’s fundamental purpose is to motivate us to positive, loving action that will leave things better than we found them.

Anger is the normal human response when we encounter what we perceive to be injustice. God made us with this capacity for anger. However, what we do with our anger is our responsibility. This is where we exercise the human freedom that God has given us.

In reality, our anger is at the very heart of who we are. Tell me what you are angry about, and I will tell you what is important to you.

Of all people, the Christian has the greatest potential for understanding and processing anger to the glory of God. That is the message and goal of this book.

Anger was designed to be a visitor, never a resident, in the human heart.

Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment to accept the person in spite of what he or she has done.

Love is like food; it cannot be stored up—it needs to be expressed daily.

God values freedom, and freedom requires the option to disobey as well as to obey. There can be no freedom without the possibility of evil, and evil always has negative consequences.

[Bethany · Rating 3 out of 5]

There’s a lot of Jesus is this book. But if you can look past that and examine the basics, they are solid. Here’s an overview of the “facts.”

Anger is the emotion that arises whenever we encounter what we perceive to be wrong.

Anger indicates that something needs attention, like a dashboard warning light.

Anger in a relationship- 1. Is my response positive, will it right the wrong and heal The relationship 2. Is my response loving- will it benefit the person with whom I am angry.
Steps:
consciously acknowledge that you are angry
Restrain your immediate response
Locate the focus of your anger
Analyze your options- 2 criteria above
Take constructive action

Anger comes in two forms: definitive and distorted
We want to take a moment to gather facts to determine what is really “wrong” and making us angry. Distorted anger is most common, and based only on perception. Definitive is based on genuine wrongdoing.

After that it’s a lot of “Christian” examples and Biblical references. I totally disagree with the forgiveness chapter. But I like the releasing past anger and how to confront an angry person bits.

[Adam Kier · Rating 5 out of 5]

Note: This book is written primarily from and for the Christian worldview. I do believe everyone, Christian or non-Christian, can learn something valuable from this book though!

For me, this book was hard to put down. I found Chapman’s writing to be engaging and entertaining, while causing me to consider anger and its effects on life more deeply. Coming from someone with years of counseling experience, the words and ideas seemed carefully considered and full of authority. If you suspect that either yourself or someone you know could benefit from a deeper understanding of dealing with anger in healthy ways, this book is an excellent starting place!

[Sabrina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I would say 2.5 stars.


There was some interesting content but I am disappointed that it doesn't address how to channel and work out the emotion. The title calls it a powerful emotion but it says nothing about how big and overwhelming it feels when you experience it and what to do about that part.

The book mainly address the difference between a true reason for anger and how that is justifiable but any other reason isn't ok and we need to deal with it by talking it through to find out why we are angered. I agree that it is important to talk it through but again when it feels so big a walk will not help.

[Matt · Rating 3 out of 5]

There was some quality material in these pages, but like with so many other nonfiction books, there was also a lot of filler. I'm not sure how to, before starting a book, distinguish between nonfiction reads that will be valuable from start to finish, and nonfiction reads that will be somewhat valuable.

[João Neves · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not a Christian and this book was very helpful.

This book is geared towards Christians. It doesn't say in the cover but it is written by a Christian for Christians and there's a lot of Christian preaching in it.

This book has some good advice on how to deal with anger whether you're the exploding or the imploding type.
It also has some terrible advice on how to deal with people that wronged you and won't apologize for it.

If you're a Christian or if you're willing to skip all of the Christian preaching in it, there's some value and some good advice here on how to deal with anger.
I definitely recommend reading it if you don't know how to deal with anger, I just wish there was a book about anger that wasn't heavily religious at the same time.

[Lance Weldgen Jr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Many many many helpful tips... easy to read and follow... very relevant. Not heavy theology on angry. Yet, it remains scriptural focused. I often appreciate author's works and this book does not disappoint me. I will definitely use it for my clinical work as well as in my personal betterment. Highly recommended.

[Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical and helpful. Surprisingly easy to read too. Found the tools and advice given to be helpful in my own life. Appreciated the key notes at the end of each chapter that summed up the content discussed.

[Beth Woods · Rating 3 out of 5]

Extremely heavy on the religious stuff which is totally fine, just not what I expected or really wanted. Despite this there are some interesting points in this book. 2.5*

[Randy Tramp · Rating 5 out of 5]

An effective tool to understand and navigate emotions.

[Quinn Fullerton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great biblical principles on anger towards your spouse, your kids, God, and yourself.

[Booqmonk · Rating 5 out of 5]

For those wey no want make their para turn palava

[Charles Robison · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good resource for one’s self and for others. As anger is often a cover for most uncomfortable emotions we feel, this book provides communication tips and helps restructure thought patterns to help with visible and latent anger.