Small Talk: 10 ADHD lies and how to stop believing them

by Richard Pink, Roxanne Pink

‘A (self) love letter to those whose brains are beautifully and uniquely different’ Riyadh Khalaf | ‘Books like this are so important’ Rach Idowu

When ‘ADHD wife’ Rox and neurotypical husband Rich asked their community of 2.5 million what the biggest ADHD struggle is, the thousands of replies changed everything. As they learned, the real enemy isn’t productivity or focus, but the toxic ADHD core beliefs we’ve internalised.

With candour and kindness, they share personal stories to highlight and reframe the 10 big lies that ADHD people believe about themselves. From ‘I am lazy’ to ‘Everybody hates me’ and ‘I quit everything I start’, Small Talk will empower ADHDers and those who love them to navigate life with compassion, humour and hope. Whether you were diagnosed early or are new to the neurospicy community, Small Talk will change your relationship with yourself and others. It will help you to stop being your worst fear-leader, start bigging yourself up, and live your best neurodivergent life.

Learn how


Identify your limiting ADHD beliefsBreak free from neurotypical standardsSupport and understand your ADHDers Adopt a self-kindness mindsetCommunicate your needs & boundariesCelebrate the joys of ADHD________________________________
Praise for Dirty Laundry:

'A godsend!' Davina McCall

'Essential for ADHDers and all who love them' 5* reader review

'Life-changing' 5* reader review

'It's not just me! Blew my mind, validated my life' 5* reader review

Soul-soothing for anyone in an ADHD relationship' 5* reader review

Genres: Adhd, Nonfiction, Self Help, Mental Health, Psychology, Audiobook, Health

205 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 16, 2024

Reviews

[Emily Katy · Rating 5 out of 5]

‘Perhaps the worst symptom of ADHD isn’t the constant losing things, struggles with time, or overwhelm with work. But it is, in fact, the crippling sense of self-hatred we have developed because of how the outside world has treated those symptoms’.

This is an important book and stands out amongst a sea of ADHD self-help books. Rox and Rich look at the 10 lies we tell ourselves as ADHDers and the truth that ‘you can’t build a life you love when you hate yourself’. Thank you Rox and Rich for this book. It will change lives.

[cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to Rich and Rox who have done a wonderful job of writing this book. I almost missed my train stop reading this, I was so engrossed!! (Okay… I probably would have almost missed it anyway)
I finished reading this book 10 minutes ago and absolutely NEEDED to write a review. Not only was this book informational and helpful in combatting the façade of what society sees ADHD as, but also it was heartwarming, vulnerable, honest, welcoming, inclusive and so emotional. It’s so important for people with ADHD and also people who love an ADHDer, to read this book to be able to relearn what is truly the main issue. I feel so much more confident in myself and in my ADHD as very newly diagnosed and trying to navigate the world through this new lens. Thank you so much for writing this, you are both truly inspiring writing about your lived experiences so honestly to help the readers. So much ADHD love! - Cara

[VIVI ★ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, I felt so seen and emotional so many times throughout reading it, when they talked about things Rox felt that were painful and very relatable. There's equals parts joy and grief in discovering something new about yourself, and I truly felt like I was able to manage my symptoms better when I approached it from a different lens other than trying "harder" or trying to be someone else or cover up how much I am trying, and failing. This book talks about the foundation of being happier with yourself and living a life that you're proud of, and the secret is not "masking" or talking down on yourself and let others do the same to you, or try to live a life in a 'neurotypical way" it's about loving yourself unconditionally and learning to accept where you fall short, not with judgement but with acknowledgement and finding out what works best for you. Work with it, not against it. Of course, the struggles will always be there in one way or another, but when you stop trying so hard to do things like how other people do, and instead work with what you have, with love and acceptance, it can change everything.

[Moony Eliver · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. This isn't a compendium on ADHD traits; rather, it's a dive into the emotional consequences of a life spent struggling with those traits. Ergo, it's an emotional book, but it's on point. Pulls no punches whatsoever.

The bits about replacing this self-talk with that more positive self-talk were... oversimplified, but that's not where the value of this book is. I dare anyone experiencing ADHD (either in yourself or a loved one) to read this and NOT feel a little more empathy towards the inherent challenges. And that understanding results in massive QOL improvements. Well done, authors.

[Sugarteets · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I spent most of the book thinking ‘so it’s not just me that does that’. I always wondered how everyone else always seemed to have their life so organised and together. Even when you know you have ADHD, you can’t help but think everything you do that isn’t neurotypical is you failing in some way. This book was not only an interesting insight into the mental traps ADHD can trick you into believing over the years but also how to start healing from it.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great memoir/self-help book by husband-wife duo who share their experiences as both a person who struggles with ADHD, alcohol addiction and negative self-talk and the helpful advice they share about being a supportive neurotypical partner to someone with ADHD. Filled with a good mix of personal experiences and advice from both writers, this was good on audio and very relatable/useful! Highly recommended!

[Singer_of_Stories · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was extremely helpful. I needed to hear what they had to say in nearly every chapter, and their clear explanations gave me the vocabulary and framework to talk about and process through my own struggles. It’s rare that I find any book that seems to have x-rayed my soul, and this book was one of those. I took copious notes and had countless aha moments while reading. This was exactly what I needed, and I’m so thankful it was written.

[Stuhr Outlaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me feel truly understood. It was raw and honest. Will be going back to it for the rest of my life to try and work negative beliefs I’ve grown up with about myself.

[LadyKnowledge · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a late diagnosed autistic/ADHD neuro divergent, I finally have a framework for understanding a lot of my experiences. This book (along with Dirty Laundry) has helped me Better understand many experiences.

I struggled with some of the chapters because they just hit too close to home. I absolutely recommend this book to anyone who is neuro divergent (ADHD or otherwise) or who cares about someone who is.

[Austin]

Reading and reflecting through this with the understanding that both Richard and myself are autistic really amplifies how emotional it all feels. A great book if you or your partner are neurodivergent, and if you both are (💙 💜), this is an incredible support to understanding yourself and each other more deeply.

[Michelle Sarkisyan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t know if they will ever read my review, but THANK YOU!

Writing about your deepest insecurities, painful memories, embarrassing stories and giving such an intimate insight in your lives for everybody to read seems like the most terrifying concept to me. You, however, single-handedly show that this, in fact, universal experience should not be conquered, but seen in its brightest, most positive self. You really did give me a good kick in the ass and I can’t thank you enough for the community you have created, for educating people and helping us go through a vibrant life one step at a time.

The book is not only for people who have ADHD, but for every person who has a loved one with that diagnosis. Let’s read, learn, give a positive reinforcement and be more understanding people.

Thank you Simeon for joining me in this journey and motivating me to accept my quirks as something positive rather than a burden.

[Ell · Rating 4 out of 5]

So important!!!!!!!

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

Started this on Friday night. Cried during the introduction and hyperfocused on reading it until finishing it. It's been the most affirming, relatable, validating book I've ever read and I want to push it into the hands of every neurodivergent/neurospicy person possible. Thank you so much for putting this into words, Rox and Rich.

[Stuart Corbett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible book. I saw myself in these pages and it bought me a lot of groy...

Small Talk is real talk and I honestly believe every person who has adhd or loves someone with adhd should read it.

Some highlights:

The aim of diagnosis isn’t to eliminate ADHD or to turn the person into a productivity machine. Rather, the goal is to help the person integrate ADHD behaviours into their lives in a shame-free way. That’s when the person blossoms. When they finally stop trying to fix what isn’t broken and allow themselves to grow.

ADHD is so often seen by others as a condition that isn’t really that serious. And this in turn leads to the incorrect conclusion that those suffering with it aren’t really suffering at all. They are simply refusing to get better, to do basic tasks, and bringing all of their struggles on themselves because they simply won’t live a normal, respectable life. And herein lies the absolute biggest problem: when somebody with ADHD feels judged for being inferior and feels that they themselves are at fault for their symptoms, they will have no one to turn to when things get dark. They will feel like they do not deserve help, because they’ve brought this on themselves.

Research has shown that the average person with ADHD receives 20,000 pieces of negative or critical feedback before the age of 10. That works out to five a day. The eye-rolls. The tuts. The blame. The frustration. We literally grow up in a hostile environment, without the support or understanding that we need to flourish. So, we find our own ways to cope with the devastating reality that we are disliked and merely tolerated by the people we are most desperate to be loved by

I'll be reading this again, possibly many times.

[Angela Boo · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone living with themselves or someone else with ADHD this book is fantastic. I was hoping it wouldn’t be another ‘here’s some handy tips how to get that tidying done! etc…’ type self-help book which I frankly find about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. This book is the marvellous Rox & Rich’s (very) personal journey of navigating & coming to terms with Rox’s ADHD diagnosis and how we nerospicy folk shouldn’t feel bad or guilty or stupid or lazy (which we are often told & made to believe) for a neurodevelopment condition we truly can’t control. As women we can mask it (very well sometimes) but we still feel like we are not quite fitting in & why do we find tasks, that others do so very easily without effort, so difficult?? It’s refreshing to read a book that CELEBRATES ADHD & tells us to not shy away from it or constantly apologise for it (but I know I still will anyway!…) but to learn to embrace it & live in peace with it. I want every neurotypical person who knows/loves a person with ADHD to read this; it’s so important to have as many people GET what we are going through & how our minds work. Thank you Rox & Rich, long may you continue to educate the world on ADHD & also make it fun/funny/interesting!

[Elaine Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading Richard & Roxanne Pink's "Small Talk." It helped me understand a lot of the negative thought patterns I hold toward myself and how to change them. ADHD affects a lot of areas in my life, and it can be difficult to give myself grace and to ask for help at times. It is so important to understand that I am not the "worst" parts of myself and, furthermore, that those parts are each worthy of unconditional love and support. Those two things are actually the most effective catalyst to growth. This book helped me to understand myself better. It gave me precise language to describe feelings of guilt, shame, and anger I had toward myself. I am so thankful for both books that this couple has written. They have helped me to feel so seen, to choose to love parts of myself that I have hidden in the past, and to choose to share these things with people who care for me.

[Allison Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book felt like a gift. I appreciate Rich and Roxanne so much for the way they talk so honestly and lovingly about the struggles of ADHD. As I listened to the audiobook, it really felt like I was receiving a pep talk from close friends. I really loved how deep this book got, not shying away from serious topics at all. I enjoyed the authors' first book a lot, but I loved this one so much more and feel like I truly got a lot out of it. The thesis of this book was basically this (in my own words): The trick to "coping" with ADHD isn't about how to force yourself to present as neurotypical -- it's to accept that you are brilliant, creative, and unique BECAUSE OF your ADHD. I don't think I'd ever thought that way before reading this book. I recommend this to anyone with ADHD as well as anyone who loves someone with ADHD.

[Gillian Brownlee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I waffled between 4 and 5 stars for this one for a while. I went with 4 because occasionally got a little repetitive, but I’d call this a 4.5 if goodreads did half star ratings.

This was such an amazing concept for a book. I’ve seen so many about how to beat your ADHD, how to fit into a neurotypical world when you’re neurodivergent, etc. But I didn’t realize I needed a book that told me that it’s ok to be the way that I am. That the awful things I’ve somehow internalized aren’t true. That I’m not messed up. I teared up a few times while reading it.

I really enjoyed Rich’s perspective too. I’m probably going to ask my mom to read this one because I think it’ll help us understand each other that much better.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook. I promised myself that if I was diagnosed with ADHD (which happened in 2024), then I would read/listen to this book.

It made me cry. I didn't show anyone I was crying but I was. Rox I can relate to so much. The bullying I do to myself is intense and I'm so used to having to mask my entire personality because of the way I've been treated in the past.

I'm going to do what I can to try and be kinder to myself. My ADHD diagnosis threw me out and I'm still processing it 4 months on.

This book made me feel so much less alone and I plan to share it with others around me.

Love. Highly recommend!

[Evelien · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got diagnosed with ADHD (both attention deficit and impulsivity) in June 2024 the day after breaking and entering a festival arena, and some other slightly illegal stuff… So no surprises there. I bought this book soon after my diagnosis and just finished it. It took me so long, because it was very confrontational, emotional and hard to get through for me. I felt seen and understood on a very deep level. This book healed small parts of me, thank you small talk, thank you rich and rox🩷 also so unique to add a partners perspective, this helped a lot to understand some dynamics in my relationship as well :)

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book really stands out among other self help books. Instead of giving productivity “hacks”, it really gets down to the root cause of some deeply negative feelings associated with ADHD. So vulnerable, relatable, and well written. Honestly helpful for all adults regardless if you have mild or severe ADHD, a formal diagnosis or not — felt like therapy in a book! I also really enjoyed this book in audio format from the authors themselves

[Lucy Strong · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an insightful read. While I don't have a diagnosis of ADHD, I related to enough of this book to basically confirm I have it in some form. While the author has a very pronounced form, it's clear that with the right help and support network it isn't as debilitating as it can so clearly be.

The neurotypical perspective given by Richard is also incredibly helpful, as it gives the outsiders perspective to ADHD and how to possibly help those with it.

[Deanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked the other book by these authors which prompted me to read this one, and I loved this one. As someone with ADHD and works with individuals with ADHD this book is one that I appreciated and will recommend.

[Bethany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cried at some point during every chapter of this book, and I am immediately putting it out on loan to my family and friends. This book was therapy I didn't know I needed. I'm so grateful that Rich and Rox decided to share their story with the world.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite validating. I enjoyed listening to Rox’s experiences with her ADHD, and I’m really happy for her for how far she has come in reframing and challenging her negative self-talk. I appreciated Rich’s perspective on being in a relationship with someone with ADHD. So happy they found each other! Also, big fan of RøRY’s music!!

[Jessica McMinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will change lives.

I picked it up to help me be a better, more supportive, more understanding parent.

Instead, I am the one walking away feeling more understood.

I believe every single one of the ADHD lies outlined in this book. Every single one, for as long as I can remember. But it's never made any sense.

I come from a loving, supportive environment, full of praise and encouragement. Why do I still feel like a failure? Like I'm stupid or lazy or just straight up a bad person? Why do I never feel enough?

Since reading this book, I feel like I finally have answers. I don't feel alone in my feelings, like I'm the only person who thinks everyone secretly hates them.

By searching for tools to help my son, I've also learnt how to help myself.

And for that I am so grateful.

[Claudio Capo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye-opener. Lessons to learn.

[Rebecca Grant · Rating 5 out of 5]

Burned through this audiobook. I'd give it 6 * if I could :)

[Meryl Crooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super helpful discussion on lies we believe about ourselves and practical steps to take to start overcoming them.

[Peggy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wat een eye-opener, zoveel kunnen halen uit dit boek. Mooi vervolg op dirty laundry. Wat begon als iemand iets beter te kunnen leren begrijpen, bracht echt zoveel meer begrip en kennis.