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The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity
Everyone has their own concept of what “monogamy” means—and most people assume their partners and spouses are on the same page. Couples may assume that they are monogamous, but never discuss exactly what the monogamy agreement means to them. What happens when this implicit agreement is broken? After infidelity, relationships can become strained as both partners lose trust and faith in each other. The New Monogamy offers a way out of these difficulties for couples struggling to stay together after infidelity. Couples make these implicit assumptions and agreements explicit so that each partner knows exactly what is expected of them in the future and what they can expect from their partner.
Author Tammy Nelson helps couples regain trust, romance, and intimacy after infidelity by redefining the monogamy contract. The new monogamy contract is an explicit relationship agreement created after the affair that allows each partner to openly, honestly, and safely share their desires, expectations, and limitations. This agreement does not create an open marriage, but rather, an open conversation wherein each partner can have a say in setting the ground rules for their relationship. The book first helps couples rebuild trust after the affair, then engages in a series of Imago dialogues based on questions about what each partner really wants in the relationship, not what you think you should want or what a partner wants you to want. The New Monogamy includes questionnaires, checklists, and candid questions for partners to ask that help welcome complete honesty and trust back into the relationship. Then, the book helps couples make an erotic recovery from infidelity by addressing erotic problems that may surface and offers advice for helping couples return to desiring and trusting one another. After an affair, it’s impossible to go back to the way the relationship was before, but this book offers the chance for a new beginning.
Author Tammy Nelson helps couples regain trust, romance, and intimacy after infidelity by redefining the monogamy contract. The new monogamy contract is an explicit relationship agreement created after the affair that allows each partner to openly, honestly, and safely share their desires, expectations, and limitations. This agreement does not create an open marriage, but rather, an open conversation wherein each partner can have a say in setting the ground rules for their relationship. The book first helps couples rebuild trust after the affair, then engages in a series of Imago dialogues based on questions about what each partner really wants in the relationship, not what you think you should want or what a partner wants you to want. The New Monogamy includes questionnaires, checklists, and candid questions for partners to ask that help welcome complete honesty and trust back into the relationship. Then, the book helps couples make an erotic recovery from infidelity by addressing erotic problems that may surface and offers advice for helping couples return to desiring and trusting one another. After an affair, it’s impossible to go back to the way the relationship was before, but this book offers the chance for a new beginning.
233 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 2, 2013
77 people are currently reading
506 people want to read
About the author
Tammy Nelson
16 books34 followersTammy Nelson, PhD, is a world-renowned expert in relationships, a psychotherapist in private practice, and the author of The New Monogamy. In addition, Nelson is a popular lecturer around the world on sexuality and human relationships and global relational change. She is a board-certified sexologist, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, a licensed professional counselor, and a certified Imago relationship therapist. She resides in the New York City area, where she works in her private practice treating couples who are looking to restore passion to their relationships, recover from infidelity, and create their new monogamy, one agreement at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
February 26, 2016
3 things define us: our DNA, our psyche and the biggest of all, our culture. I was in utter denial about the modern/social structure of monogamy; I took it completely for granted. Never questioned it, since I have always been monogamous in all my relationships; an oxymoron which amazing sex therapist Esther Perel enlightened me about.
In the last few months I have read dozens of books on love, desire, passion and sex intertwined with anthropology, psychology, sociology and spirituality and fuck me, was I oblivious, blind and mute. Modern sexuality is acutely complicated. This book did mess with my moral brain a bit. I love the person who I am currently with, but knowing all of these things that I’ve read in this book and which I further connected with Sue Johnson’s book ''Love sense'', I am grateful that I’m a witness and second child of my parent’s marriage which is still one of the emotional pillars of my life, and secondly that I have been fortunate in my life to have, up to now, three men who I loved deeply, each in their own time and that with each of them, I have experienced attachment love.
And because I'm rarely jealous, I understand new monogamy, but just because I'm not an ménage à trois person or because I think cheating is too messy and exhausting, it doesn’t mean at all that I can’t relate with people who are practising new monogamy. But I can understand sex therapists too, who sometimes have difficult time grasping what’s happening with the modern sexuality.
In the last few months I have read dozens of books on love, desire, passion and sex intertwined with anthropology, psychology, sociology and spirituality and fuck me, was I oblivious, blind and mute. Modern sexuality is acutely complicated. This book did mess with my moral brain a bit. I love the person who I am currently with, but knowing all of these things that I’ve read in this book and which I further connected with Sue Johnson’s book ''Love sense'', I am grateful that I’m a witness and second child of my parent’s marriage which is still one of the emotional pillars of my life, and secondly that I have been fortunate in my life to have, up to now, three men who I loved deeply, each in their own time and that with each of them, I have experienced attachment love.
And because I'm rarely jealous, I understand new monogamy, but just because I'm not an ménage à trois person or because I think cheating is too messy and exhausting, it doesn’t mean at all that I can’t relate with people who are practising new monogamy. But I can understand sex therapists too, who sometimes have difficult time grasping what’s happening with the modern sexuality.
December 16, 2014
I read this book for a book group. We read the Ethical Slut in October so it seemed only fair that we read something for the mono set.
To be fair I am really not the target audience for this book. I am not married, monogamous, or a victim of polyamory, but I tried to keep an open mind. I found the book to be a little light on insistence on consent and respect as core values in a relationship, or at least I felt that way for the first 75% of the book. Then I hit the relationship discussion questions near the conclusion of the book and was blown away by the detail and thoughtfulness with which the author guides the reader towards developing a more consciously chosen relationship style. While I didn't adore the book I have to admit there is plenty of value between its pages. Give it a shot if your marriage is on the rocks or if you have an interest in relationship theory. While the writing style is a little too floral and hand-holdy for my taste, I do have to admit that the author knows what she's talking about and has some useful wisdom to offer.
My only spoiler and point of puzzlement: I guess "The New Monogamy" is more often than not an open relationship? Why call it monogamy if it involves adding in other people? The word nerd in me chafes at the reappropriation of a word that to me at least pretty clearly means two persons in a closed relationship. Mayhaps I am a fuddy duddy? I mean, don't get me started on literal vs figurative. :-)
To be fair I am really not the target audience for this book. I am not married, monogamous, or a victim of polyamory, but I tried to keep an open mind. I found the book to be a little light on insistence on consent and respect as core values in a relationship, or at least I felt that way for the first 75% of the book. Then I hit the relationship discussion questions near the conclusion of the book and was blown away by the detail and thoughtfulness with which the author guides the reader towards developing a more consciously chosen relationship style. While I didn't adore the book I have to admit there is plenty of value between its pages. Give it a shot if your marriage is on the rocks or if you have an interest in relationship theory. While the writing style is a little too floral and hand-holdy for my taste, I do have to admit that the author knows what she's talking about and has some useful wisdom to offer.
My only spoiler and point of puzzlement: I guess "The New Monogamy" is more often than not an open relationship? Why call it monogamy if it involves adding in other people? The word nerd in me chafes at the reappropriation of a word that to me at least pretty clearly means two persons in a closed relationship. Mayhaps I am a fuddy duddy? I mean, don't get me started on literal vs figurative. :-)
June 9, 2014
Why do so many American marriages end in divorce? What happens when marriage vows are broken? Author Tammy Nelson talks about love, marriage, and how couples can forge new, stronger marriages when infidelity occurs. Smart, straight forward, and on-the-nose. Full disclosure: Tammy's one of my best friends, but she's well worth reading.
January 19, 2016
Excellent.
August 23, 2019
Monogamy Insights
I found some good points on how to repair relationships but also found it being very repetitive throughout the book.
I found some good points on how to repair relationships but also found it being very repetitive throughout the book.
March 5, 2021
Thought provoking! Helped me realize that plain old monogamy is OK by me!! LOL!
January 24, 2024
Good book about shifting relationship expectations if you are willing to work with your partner to heal and grow as needed after and affair
January 18, 2021
Another great read from Tammy Nelson. If you read her other book "When You're the One Who Cheated", this book compliments that. It gives you insight to how to go about your new (repaired) marriage with your spouse and how certain things can be worked on.
This book also gives you insights inside other insights (if that makes sense?). If you're starting anew after an affair, I highly encourage this book. Now there are some far fetched ideas in here, but in a nut shell, this book is like a multi-tool to repair different types of marriages and post affair issues.
This book also gives you insights inside other insights (if that makes sense?). If you're starting anew after an affair, I highly encourage this book. Now there are some far fetched ideas in here, but in a nut shell, this book is like a multi-tool to repair different types of marriages and post affair issues.
February 22, 2016
I read this book for a class assignment where I will be focusing on couples who struggle with infidelity and helping other members within my cohort to further be able to work with couples who have this struggle. I found the book to be an easy, effective, and relatable read for anyone not just someone who has experienced infidelity within their own personal relationships. As a therapist I am always looking for easy reads that will benefit my clients. This book emphasizes the essential needs of all relationships regardless of cheating or not. I would highly recommend it.
January 26, 2016
This book was a lot different from what I was expecting. I was hoping to find a book that my husband and I could use together to work on our relationship and our communication skills, however it focused so much on infidelity and ways to rebuild a healthy sex life with out diving into the other aspects of the relationship that are damaged after and affair.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews