What do you think?
Rate this book
Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work
Love takes work, but, when it comes to relationships, it pays to work smarter. Couple Skills, Second Edition, revised and updated from the therapist-recommended classic, will show you how to work smarter in your relationship. You'll learn to improve communication, cope better with problems, and resolve conflicts with the one you love in healthy and creative ways. Each chapter teaches you an essential skill that supports greater relationship satisfaction and deeper intimacy.
New to this edition is a chapter on using acceptance skills, developed from the revolutionary new acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). These new approaches will help you to accept your partner's feelings (and your own emotions) without judgment. Using these techniques will help you decide what you really value in your relationship and then commit to acting in ways that further those values every day.
New to this edition is a chapter on using acceptance skills, developed from the revolutionary new acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). These new approaches will help you to accept your partner's feelings (and your own emotions) without judgment. Using these techniques will help you decide what you really value in your relationship and then commit to acting in ways that further those values every day.
388 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1994
248 people are currently reading
1282 people want to read
About the author
Matthew McKay
166 books299 followersMatthew McKay, PhD, is a professor of psychology at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, and author of more than 30 professional psychology and self-help books which have sold a combined total of more than 3 million copies. He is co-founder of independent self-help publisher, New Harbinger Publications. He was the clinical director of Haight Ashbury Psychological Services in San Francisco for twenty five years. He is current director of the Berkeley CBT Clinic. An accomplished novelist and poet, his poetry has appeared in two volumes from Plum Branch Press and in more than sixty literary magazines. His most recent novel, Wawona Hotel, was
published by Boaz Press in 2008.
published by Boaz Press in 2008.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
November 13, 2010
Here is a lovely idea: good relationships are not born, they are built. In other words, there are skills you can learn and practice and get better at that will make communication "clean" and relationships manageable. And reading the mean and nasty example conversations will make you and your partner look like saints.
This book is very direct, cracker-dry and clinical, with very clear step-by-step directions for cleaning up communication, identifying damaging patterns and upping positive feedback, among other things. This would be a fantastic reference for when you find yourself feeling baffled or quagmired in any relationship.
This book is very direct, cracker-dry and clinical, with very clear step-by-step directions for cleaning up communication, identifying damaging patterns and upping positive feedback, among other things. This would be a fantastic reference for when you find yourself feeling baffled or quagmired in any relationship.
October 10, 2017
Great read with lots of helpful exercises .I think it's A Must-read for couples or anyone as these skills are so essential to understander the psychology behind relationships and how they work ,Highly recommend it for Everyone :)
July 14, 2009
Good information - a little dry. What I like best about it is that it is a collection of a la carte skills - no big grand theory to swallow first. I am a little burned out on grand theories that aim to explain the entire reason for relationships and how to fix everything about them. It never seems to really work out the way you hope. So this book doesn't do that so much. Huzzah.
August 2, 2024
Best book ever in skills
March 5, 2022
Awesome for improving communication skills whether you’re currently struggling to do so or not. I’ve found some of these skills translate smoothly to friends and a family as well. Great book!
Read
April 21, 2010I read this book for a relationship class and it was very informative. I would recommend this book for anyone who wants to improve their relationships with friends, children or lover. It really makes you look at yourself and how you interact with others.
March 11, 2007
it sucked
September 10, 2022
Its safe to say that spending a lot of time in introspection, and dealing with the fallout of a failed relationship has been a powerful motivator to get these particular self help books read. Sadly I have also come to the realization that even if I had read them.. they wouldnt have saved that relationship, in fact they probably would have made them worse for reasons that were core to why it failed to begin with.
But this isnt going to be badmouthing my ex. Despite how in reading any of these by far the hardest part is taking that hard look at yourself instead of working yourself up into a.. lets call it an 'unkind emotional state' and ruthlessly listing all their faults and how wronged you feel. If you read one of these books it is extremely important to focus the information on yourself and not your partner or you are preemptively defeating the whole point of reading a self help book on relationships.
The book itself is rather dry, but extremely clear. It gives you some history on each theory and the theories that came before it, cites its sources regularly and gives tangible examples and workable (but diverse) sets you and your partner can take to approach a number of problems. It doesnt try and sell one big overarching point, instead it breaks itself down and even tells you outright at the beginning that you should only focus and read on the sections that apply to you. (Yes I read it all regardless. What did you expect).
The book helped me a lot, even if it would have made the past relationship worse. It helped shine a harsh light on some of my own bigger flaws once I was willing to sit down and think on it. And with that and a bit of hindsight I think I can apply some lessons here to both be a better man going forward.
One important thing to note. And the book even tries to quietly warn you away from it. Is that its a book about couple skills. For couples. If only one party reads it and tries the things listed here it not only probably wont help too much, but it might break a toxic cycle only to replace it with another one if you arent both on the same page. In hindsight this will help me be a better man, but in the heat of the moment reading it alone it would have made me a worse partner.
But this isnt going to be badmouthing my ex. Despite how in reading any of these by far the hardest part is taking that hard look at yourself instead of working yourself up into a.. lets call it an 'unkind emotional state' and ruthlessly listing all their faults and how wronged you feel. If you read one of these books it is extremely important to focus the information on yourself and not your partner or you are preemptively defeating the whole point of reading a self help book on relationships.
The book itself is rather dry, but extremely clear. It gives you some history on each theory and the theories that came before it, cites its sources regularly and gives tangible examples and workable (but diverse) sets you and your partner can take to approach a number of problems. It doesnt try and sell one big overarching point, instead it breaks itself down and even tells you outright at the beginning that you should only focus and read on the sections that apply to you. (Yes I read it all regardless. What did you expect).
The book helped me a lot, even if it would have made the past relationship worse. It helped shine a harsh light on some of my own bigger flaws once I was willing to sit down and think on it. And with that and a bit of hindsight I think I can apply some lessons here to both be a better man going forward.
One important thing to note. And the book even tries to quietly warn you away from it. Is that its a book about couple skills. For couples. If only one party reads it and tries the things listed here it not only probably wont help too much, but it might break a toxic cycle only to replace it with another one if you arent both on the same page. In hindsight this will help me be a better man, but in the heat of the moment reading it alone it would have made me a worse partner.
May 14, 2023
This book was very quick to read, and it has accessible language.
It is not a feminist book, it`s a self-help book. As usual, self-help books don't reflect on the societal context (e.g. gendered expectations and behaviors; the harmful effects that your financial situation can have on your relationship), they focus on the inter-personal aspects. This one is like that as well. Because of this, there is no reflection on how miserably low the bar is in many hetero relationships and the reasons behind that. It also does not reflect on what is the difference between a dysfunctional and an abusive relationship. Abuse always starts verbally - this book makes it seem like verbal abuse is a behavior that one can try to change in one's partner. I strongly disagree with that - i think it is a dangerous approach.
This book had many super useful parts - including explanations about behaviors, thought processes, specific phenomena, etc. and lists (e.g. list of different emotions that one can use to name their feelings). I would definitely recommend those parts to others as well.
The examples in this book paint a horrible picture about the fictional couples - they often come off as suffering from abuse, neglect, addiction, or just a level of disfunctionality that makes break up look like a good choice. These were not that useful to me - if you have a relationship that functions relatively well, they may not seem relatable.
It is not a feminist book, it`s a self-help book. As usual, self-help books don't reflect on the societal context (e.g. gendered expectations and behaviors; the harmful effects that your financial situation can have on your relationship), they focus on the inter-personal aspects. This one is like that as well. Because of this, there is no reflection on how miserably low the bar is in many hetero relationships and the reasons behind that. It also does not reflect on what is the difference between a dysfunctional and an abusive relationship. Abuse always starts verbally - this book makes it seem like verbal abuse is a behavior that one can try to change in one's partner. I strongly disagree with that - i think it is a dangerous approach.
This book had many super useful parts - including explanations about behaviors, thought processes, specific phenomena, etc. and lists (e.g. list of different emotions that one can use to name their feelings). I would definitely recommend those parts to others as well.
The examples in this book paint a horrible picture about the fictional couples - they often come off as suffering from abuse, neglect, addiction, or just a level of disfunctionality that makes break up look like a good choice. These were not that useful to me - if you have a relationship that functions relatively well, they may not seem relatable.
November 5, 2019
Really loved all of the information in this book and the examples provided were very practical and relatable.
A lot of the thoughts and techniques are things I keep in rotation whenever my partner and I get into an argument. It’s helped me keep things in perspective a bit more and not jump into old habits.
A lot of the thoughts and techniques are things I keep in rotation whenever my partner and I get into an argument. It’s helped me keep things in perspective a bit more and not jump into old habits.
November 22, 2018
This book is an excellent read for anyone who’s trying to enhance his or her communication skills with anyone not just a partner.
September 5, 2019
Awful!
July 16, 2020
Fairly helpful book for couples experiencing communication problems.
February 22, 2022
Excellent read for any couple. Or anyone who just wants to work on communication skills. Touches on a wide variety of methods and ideas. Totally worth a read.
March 28, 2022
so helpful! changed my relationship and my life!
Its not a substitute for therapy but I feel its pretty darn close.
Its not a substitute for therapy but I feel its pretty darn close.
December 15, 2022
A really deep elaborative book on relationships, love the fact that every concept follows with a real life example to understand it better, its a book to read part by part to apply it practically ☺️
July 19, 2023
Life changing book. Best book for couple therapy! So filled with useful information, practical exercises and accurate scientific research. Highly recommended!
December 1, 2011
I chose this book for a project in my community college communications class. Overall, in my opinion, it was an okay book. I'm more a fictional reader so I wasn't that into it. But, for being my second non-fiction book I have had to read in college I enjoyed it. I believe this book would be really helpful for people searching for a "self-help" kind of way to better a relationship. However, if you are really trying to use the book to develop new skills you should really utilize the activities the book provides (which is a downside to having it on my Kindle). So, my plan is to keep this book on my Kindle and if any time in the future I'm in need of some relationship help/new couple skills I will defiantly be referring back to this book!
October 30, 2013
This is a solid CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) book focused on couple skills. It is written in a very straightforward and somewhat dry manner but the information is very relevant and useful and as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker I can definitely imagine using this book as a reference for clients (and myself) in the future. I was especially impressed with the exercises throughout the book which can really help hone skills and work through specific personal problems.
March 21, 2016
My counselor assigned me to research a specific piece of this book - pararaxic distortions. It was an interesting enough book that I read through it all. Not a ton of "brand new" information, but pretty solid advice overall, and some truly laughable examples of what not to say and do in a relationship. The parts that interested me most were the lists of cognitive distortions and the concept of the "couple system."
March 7, 2009
Resourceful book, with techniques which can be used in daily life. Skills are backed up with relevant theories and researches.
May 18, 2009
still reading.
July 12, 2012
One of the better 'relationship' books I've read. The authors know their stuff. They give good examples. They're professional. They're realistic. I'd recommend this to anybody for any situation.
December 15, 2012
Only useful book for my career assigned in college..
July 6, 2009
This book might save everyone.
Want to read
April 10, 2019I am finding my relationship in problem so I think to imporve my self by reading this book
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews