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The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World
Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner, Chair of The Elders, and Chair of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, along with his daughter, the Reverend Mpho Tutu, offer a manual on the art of forgiveness—helping us to realize that we are all capable of healing and transformation.
Tutu's role as the Chair of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission taught him much about forgiveness. If you asked anyone what they thought was going to happen to South Africa after apartheid, almost universally it was predicted that the country would be devastated by a comprehensive bloodbath. Yet, instead of revenge and retribution, this new nation chose to tread the difficult path of confession, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
Each of us has a deep need to forgive and to be forgiven. After much reflection on the process of forgiveness, Tutu has seen that there are four important steps to healing: Admitting the wrong and acknowledging the harm; Telling one's story and witnessing the anguish; Asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness; and renewing or releasing the relationship. Forgiveness is hard work. Sometimes it even feels like an impossible task. But it is only through walking this fourfold path that Tutu says we can free ourselves of the endless and unyielding cycle of pain and retribution. The Book of Forgiving is both a touchstone and a tool, offering Tutu's wise advice and showing the way to experience forgiveness. Ultimately, forgiving is the only means we have to heal ourselves and our aching world.
Tutu's role as the Chair of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission taught him much about forgiveness. If you asked anyone what they thought was going to happen to South Africa after apartheid, almost universally it was predicted that the country would be devastated by a comprehensive bloodbath. Yet, instead of revenge and retribution, this new nation chose to tread the difficult path of confession, forgiveness, and reconciliation.
Each of us has a deep need to forgive and to be forgiven. After much reflection on the process of forgiveness, Tutu has seen that there are four important steps to healing: Admitting the wrong and acknowledging the harm; Telling one's story and witnessing the anguish; Asking for forgiveness and granting forgiveness; and renewing or releasing the relationship. Forgiveness is hard work. Sometimes it even feels like an impossible task. But it is only through walking this fourfold path that Tutu says we can free ourselves of the endless and unyielding cycle of pain and retribution. The Book of Forgiving is both a touchstone and a tool, offering Tutu's wise advice and showing the way to experience forgiveness. Ultimately, forgiving is the only means we have to heal ourselves and our aching world.
230 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2013
1394 people are currently reading
12430 people want to read
About the author
Desmond Tutu
271 books539 followersDesmond Mpilo Tutu was a South African cleric and activist who rose to worldwide fame during the 1980s as an opponent of apartheid. In 1984, Tutu became the second South African to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Tutu was the first black South African Anglican Archbishop of Cape Town, South Africa, and primate of the Church of the Province of Southern Africa (now the Anglican Church of Southern Africa). Tutu chaired the Truth and Reconciliation Commission and is currently the chairman of The Elders. Tutu was vocal in his defense of human rights and used his high profile to campaign for the oppressed. Tutu also campaigned to fight AIDS, homophobia, poverty and racism.
He received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1984, the Albert Schweitzer Prize for Humanitarianism, the Gandhi Peace Prize in 2005 and the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2009. Tutu has also compiled several books of his speeches and sayings.
He received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1984, the Albert Schweitzer Prize for Humanitarianism, the Gandhi Peace Prize in 2005 and the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2009. Tutu has also compiled several books of his speeches and sayings.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 634 reviews
March 20, 2014
When I first started reading this I confess it was a hard read. So much pain at levels I have never experienced. It made me feel small and fragile to even think of whining about my own troubles when these people really know what it is to experience trauma.
Then I learned through the way Mpho and Desmond Tutu explained it that the un-forgivable in my own life was holding me back from being the person I know I can be. I look at these things differently and slowly have become lighter, and feel more ease.
I'm sold on not letting these things run my life any more. It's not easy, but I'm moving on. Thank you!
Note: I got the galleys of the book before publication as I am doing some work with a project called the Forgiveness Challenge.
Then I learned through the way Mpho and Desmond Tutu explained it that the un-forgivable in my own life was holding me back from being the person I know I can be. I look at these things differently and slowly have become lighter, and feel more ease.
I'm sold on not letting these things run my life any more. It's not easy, but I'm moving on. Thank you!
Note: I got the galleys of the book before publication as I am doing some work with a project called the Forgiveness Challenge.
February 16, 2018
Archbishop Desmond Tutu will be the first to tell you that forgiveness is not for sissies.
As the chairman of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, he spearheaded the landmark effort to heal a country torn asunder by apartheid. A time and space were created to introduce perpetrator to victim - thieves to those they vandalized, torturers to those they injured, kidnappers to the kin of those they abducted, killers to the families of the slain - so that witness could be borne and questions answered; treachery confessed, suffering relayed. It was a chance not only to confront the agent of the evil befallen, but to locate the human being behind the sin and, through his humanity, hold him accountable. And if that's not the way you thought I was going to finish that sentence, you might want to pick up a copy of this book. Because it's not about letting people off the hook. It's about acknowledging the damage done, laying the outrage at the foot of the one who delivered it, and finding the means to get on with the rest of your life.
But let's bring this a little closer to home, because what is true of those who have suffered grievous loss and catastrophic injury is also true of those who have been broken in thoughtless, selfish, everyday ways. Harm is harm, and what sets the heart to bleeding or the soul to ache is as much in need of address as anything prosecutable in a court of law. There are wounds we own that have not closed; hurts we carry like luggage through the years that leave us stumbling beneath their weight. If you've ever been told, "You have to let this go," well, we both know you were talking to a well-intentioned idiot. If you could have let this go you would have let this go a long, long time ago. Turning away is hardly the answer. Turning toward, though. Whoa. That's an awful lot of pain.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a better guide through this particularly brutal morass than Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He's been there. He's done that.
Here's the guy with the compass.
As the chairman of South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission, he spearheaded the landmark effort to heal a country torn asunder by apartheid. A time and space were created to introduce perpetrator to victim - thieves to those they vandalized, torturers to those they injured, kidnappers to the kin of those they abducted, killers to the families of the slain - so that witness could be borne and questions answered; treachery confessed, suffering relayed. It was a chance not only to confront the agent of the evil befallen, but to locate the human being behind the sin and, through his humanity, hold him accountable. And if that's not the way you thought I was going to finish that sentence, you might want to pick up a copy of this book. Because it's not about letting people off the hook. It's about acknowledging the damage done, laying the outrage at the foot of the one who delivered it, and finding the means to get on with the rest of your life.
But let's bring this a little closer to home, because what is true of those who have suffered grievous loss and catastrophic injury is also true of those who have been broken in thoughtless, selfish, everyday ways. Harm is harm, and what sets the heart to bleeding or the soul to ache is as much in need of address as anything prosecutable in a court of law. There are wounds we own that have not closed; hurts we carry like luggage through the years that leave us stumbling beneath their weight. If you've ever been told, "You have to let this go," well, we both know you were talking to a well-intentioned idiot. If you could have let this go you would have let this go a long, long time ago. Turning away is hardly the answer. Turning toward, though. Whoa. That's an awful lot of pain.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a better guide through this particularly brutal morass than Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He's been there. He's done that.
Here's the guy with the compass.
August 31, 2016
A truly restorative book filled with fantastic spiritual exercises and examples. This is not an entertaining read, it is work. Not the prose, but the subject matter. Yet, if you read it through you can't help but feel better and see the world differently.
August 30, 2014
Until I read this book, the idea of forgiveness was rather vague and obscure--something that as a Christian I knew I was "supposed" to do, but I really had no idea how to go about it. How did I know if I had truly forgiven? I always had the impression that I had forgiven when I was no longer angry. But how could I stop being angry? Well I guess I needed to do a better job at forgiving because if I was still having flashes of anger, clearly I had not "completely" forgiven.
Needless to say, the topic of forgiveness turned into a vicious cycle, with each round gaining a measure of guilt at each pass--forgiveness-> anger-> guilt.
This book finally broke that cycle. Based in scientific reasoning, it provides a clear four-step process for forgiveness. In my Christian upbringing, the steps of "Telling the Story" and "Naming the Hurt" were never identified. I always tried to jump from being hurt right to forgiveness, which is why I was never successful.
Not only has this book shed light on my personal struggle with the idea of forgiveness, but it has greatly informed my practice as a therapist working with victims who have suffered horrific personal tragedies. This book clarifies that forgiveness is not about the perpetrator, it's about the victim, and it's a critical step in the journey towards healing--one that I will now more consciously include in my therapeutic work.
Needless to say, the topic of forgiveness turned into a vicious cycle, with each round gaining a measure of guilt at each pass--forgiveness-> anger-> guilt.
This book finally broke that cycle. Based in scientific reasoning, it provides a clear four-step process for forgiveness. In my Christian upbringing, the steps of "Telling the Story" and "Naming the Hurt" were never identified. I always tried to jump from being hurt right to forgiveness, which is why I was never successful.
Not only has this book shed light on my personal struggle with the idea of forgiveness, but it has greatly informed my practice as a therapist working with victims who have suffered horrific personal tragedies. This book clarifies that forgiveness is not about the perpetrator, it's about the victim, and it's a critical step in the journey towards healing--one that I will now more consciously include in my therapeutic work.
March 6, 2017
***UPDATE 3/6/17***. Finished my fifth read. Continues to resonate with me in a multitude of ways.
Oprah described this as a "doctorate level education" in the concept of Forgiveness. With a capital F.
This book made me weep. Read it if you need to learn how to forgive, what forgiveness is, what it is not, and why it is absolutely mandatory if you want to live a life of love and connection.
Oprah described this as a "doctorate level education" in the concept of Forgiveness. With a capital F.
This book made me weep. Read it if you need to learn how to forgive, what forgiveness is, what it is not, and why it is absolutely mandatory if you want to live a life of love and connection.
June 29, 2014
I must express my gratitude to Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu for writing this book. It has opened my eyes, my heart, my mind to truly understanding forgiveness. It has inspired me to embrace this work and has bolstered my courage to move forward. At first I found it a bit difficult, as it uncovered some deep-seeded pain and trauma. But I am grateful to now have the warm, loving framework this book provides to walk the path of forgiveness.
I appreciate the book's holistic thoroughness - understanding what forgiveness is and is not, detailing the fourfold path of forgiveness, honoring when you aren't ready yet, needing and asking for forgiveness and (so important) forgiving yourself. The inspiring stories, meditations and exercises throughout facilitate a deep, comprehensive understanding of the difficult, challenging work of forgiveness.
I felt the love the authors genuinely feel for our shared humanity throughout the book. The encouragement and acceptance of wherever you are in your forgiveness journey is authentic. By the end of the book I felt as if I had been blessed to be held by two loving friends who genuinely wish to encourage and support, regardless of where I am on the fourfold path.
The title claims that the fourfold path will lead to healing ourselves and our world. I now believe that if these practices spread far and wide, healing our world is indeed a possibility. This book is a must read if you believe in the possibility of healing our world as well.
I appreciate the book's holistic thoroughness - understanding what forgiveness is and is not, detailing the fourfold path of forgiveness, honoring when you aren't ready yet, needing and asking for forgiveness and (so important) forgiving yourself. The inspiring stories, meditations and exercises throughout facilitate a deep, comprehensive understanding of the difficult, challenging work of forgiveness.
I felt the love the authors genuinely feel for our shared humanity throughout the book. The encouragement and acceptance of wherever you are in your forgiveness journey is authentic. By the end of the book I felt as if I had been blessed to be held by two loving friends who genuinely wish to encourage and support, regardless of where I am on the fourfold path.
The title claims that the fourfold path will lead to healing ourselves and our world. I now believe that if these practices spread far and wide, healing our world is indeed a possibility. This book is a must read if you believe in the possibility of healing our world as well.
September 10, 2019
Wow...this was so complicated and simple at the same time. Forgive to me was just a word, bandied around... all over the show, by bunches of well meaning do gooders, but now after Desmond Tutu its just so much more. A collection of stories from so many who displayed the utmost in forgiveness in unforgivable situations, it's these powerful displays of forgiveness, that has moved me, enriched me, taught me, calmed me
& to forgive is what we should all do, and now is a good time to start.
& to forgive is what we should all do, and now is a good time to start.
February 16, 2024
Sehr schönes Buch über Vergebung. Sehr viele pastoral-praktische Ansätze sind darin zu finden, auch wenn es eigentlich nur christlich angehaucht ist.
Das Buch eignet sich gut als allerersten Einstieg in das Thema: Viele Storys, praktische Tipps und knackige Kapitel.
Wer ausgeklügelte Theorien haben möchte, ist bei diesem Buch allerdings falsch beraten.
Das Buch eignet sich gut als allerersten Einstieg in das Thema: Viele Storys, praktische Tipps und knackige Kapitel.
Wer ausgeklügelte Theorien haben möchte, ist bei diesem Buch allerdings falsch beraten.
February 24, 2016
The best book on forgiveness that I have ever read. It took me four months to read it. It is one you have to digest slowly and purposefully. <3 I love that I started it in the fall when everything was dying and am finishing it as the hope of spring is right outside my door.
January 2, 2016
Important read. I started this book in the aftermath of the Paris terrorist attacks. I seek a world of forgiveness and peace. I believe no one is beyond the reach of forgiveness.
"Forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world."
"There is also no end to the human capacity for healing. In each of us, there is an innate ability to create joy out of suffering, to find hope in the most hopeless of situations, and to heal any relationship in need of healing."
"Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed."
"Peace is built with every small and large act of forgiveness."
"We are not responsible for what breaks us, but we can be responsible for what puts us back together again."
"It is this knowledge of my own frailty that helps me find my compassion, my empathy, my similarity, and my forgiveness for the frailty and cruelty of others."
"Growth happens through obstacles and only with resistance."
"There can be no reconciliation without responsibility."
"We feel shame in isolation. It can only be healed in a community and in connection with others."
"Self-forgiveness is truly at the core of peacemaking, and we cannot build peace with others if we are not at peace with ourselves."
"Forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world."
"There is also no end to the human capacity for healing. In each of us, there is an innate ability to create joy out of suffering, to find hope in the most hopeless of situations, and to heal any relationship in need of healing."
"Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed."
"Peace is built with every small and large act of forgiveness."
"We are not responsible for what breaks us, but we can be responsible for what puts us back together again."
"It is this knowledge of my own frailty that helps me find my compassion, my empathy, my similarity, and my forgiveness for the frailty and cruelty of others."
"Growth happens through obstacles and only with resistance."
"There can be no reconciliation without responsibility."
"We feel shame in isolation. It can only be healed in a community and in connection with others."
"Self-forgiveness is truly at the core of peacemaking, and we cannot build peace with others if we are not at peace with ourselves."
October 21, 2023
I don't usually enjoy displaying my thoughts on books, because who am I to really and publicly review an artist's work, but I have to write my impression about this book. Even though I had numerous disagreements with some of the author's theories and advices, the book still remains exceptional for it's message and even for the internal debates that generates when those disagreements occur. It's a really good "meal" for thought and an exercise for empathy, especially if you have the patience to "endure" some excesive positivity (if you're not a fan of it). You may not visualize the situations exactly from their perspective, but they have really strong points of view, which in my opinion they represent a good tool in somebody's evolution, emotional and spiritual maybe. It also generates a safe-space impression for each reader who is (even on the slightest level) willing to heal and empowers the process. Recomanding it for a cozy and inspirational lecture.
March 24, 2014
Desmond and Mpho Tutu's text is ideal for congregational and community group work on forgiveness, as well as for individual reflection. Spiritual exercises accompany each chapter, inviting readers into the relational, emotional, and spiritual work of forgiving and being forgiven. Recognizing how difficult forgiving and being forgiven can be, the counsel and stories that accompany the exercises show ways to healing and encourage the reader in the journey. Recommended. A peace-cultivating text.
June 20, 2024
Simple and effective.
January 24, 2022
Puts things in perspective.
March 11, 2024
One of the finest books I have ever read.
The Tutus provide a wonderful roadmap to navigating the
pain and suffering inevitable to all who live and come through with grace,love and acceptance through the process of forgiving others and ourselves.
The Tutus provide a wonderful roadmap to navigating the
pain and suffering inevitable to all who live and come through with grace,love and acceptance through the process of forgiving others and ourselves.
May 9, 2022
"Forgiveness does not relieve someone of responsibility for what they have done. Forgiveness does not erase accountability. It is not about turning a blind eye or even turning the other cheek. It is not about letting someone off the hook or saying it is okay to do something monstrous. Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed. Within every hopeless situation and every seemingly hopeless person lies the possibility of transformation," write Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu in their excellent book The Book of Forgiving.
Living under apartheid and leading the Truth and Reconciliation Commission that helped South Africa heal gave Desmond Tutu extensive life experience and wisdom about forgiveness. The Tutus explain how not forgiving leads to corrosive bitterness and hatred and describe how all of us can walk the four fold path by telling our story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness and renewing or releasing the relationship. Reading this intense book is a spiritual workout, as the Tutus challenge their readers to consider the people who have hurt us and those we have hurt and work to forgive others, ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves. I loved their positive view of human nature, believing that “nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one undeserving of forgiveness” and focus on interdependence, common humanity, and healing in community. I was inspired by stories of people who forgave those who killed family members and children who forgave abusive parents. I also appreciated the reminder that forgiving small slights helps us build our ability to forgive and be able to forgive larger hurts. In a world filled with conflict where we often choose to see the worst in each other, I hope we can follow the Tutu’s wise advice that “forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world.”
Living under apartheid and leading the Truth and Reconciliation Commission that helped South Africa heal gave Desmond Tutu extensive life experience and wisdom about forgiveness. The Tutus explain how not forgiving leads to corrosive bitterness and hatred and describe how all of us can walk the four fold path by telling our story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness and renewing or releasing the relationship. Reading this intense book is a spiritual workout, as the Tutus challenge their readers to consider the people who have hurt us and those we have hurt and work to forgive others, ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves. I loved their positive view of human nature, believing that “nothing that cannot be forgiven, and there is no one undeserving of forgiveness” and focus on interdependence, common humanity, and healing in community. I was inspired by stories of people who forgave those who killed family members and children who forgave abusive parents. I also appreciated the reminder that forgiving small slights helps us build our ability to forgive and be able to forgive larger hurts. In a world filled with conflict where we often choose to see the worst in each other, I hope we can follow the Tutu’s wise advice that “forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world.”
August 5, 2019
Twenty years ago I had an experience that rocked my world in the most tragic way. It destroyed my sense of safety, my hope of a loving family, my ability to start my married life with joy & welcoming, & my ability to see myself truthfully as a good human...I was abused by family. It was so destructive that I couldn't even speak of it fully for about 15 years. I searched for knowledge about what to do & how to forgive. But every path ended without many answers. The truth was that our culture just didn't have the resources I needed to acknowledge my abuse to heal. After about 17 years, I finally found the beginning of information that was leading me to the knowledge I needed, which gave me the courage to write down my experiences. And after so much research & so much learning, I was finally led to this amazing, wonderfully healing resource: The Book of Forgiving. Two decades of imposed silence are finally being unraveled. I have finally found a way to acknowledge the harm I received at the hands of family. I now know I can tell my story, name my hurt, grant forgiveness (which is NOT what said family told me forgiveness was), & renew or release the relationships. I have a way to heal! For anyone needing to find a way to forgive, or to ask forgiveness of someone they have hurt, read this book. Start here. Know that you have a way to heal from your tragedies & abuses. You have the capacity to change & heal & forgive. And you can choose to start that journey with the fourfold path of forgiveness. I love this book! It will definitely be a resource I turn to time & time again as I make changes & advance in my ability to forgive.
August 30, 2019
This book could also be called, “how to process pain and grief in a healthy way.” It walks through a particular process/model for moving forward from painful experiences in what felt to me like a very well- balanced, thoughtful, and practical way. It doesn’t really hold any surprises - facing the harm that we have experienced or have caused, feeling our feelings, and accepting how we and our lives have been changed is how we move forward and no longer allow ourselves to be defined/continually victimized by a painful event. But even if those are things you think you’ve learned before or figured out in therapy or whatever, this book is quite beautifully written. Plus it makes a really succinct explanation of and argument for restorative justice at the end. Both Desmond and his daughter Mpho Tutu are clerics and some of their examples are either Jesus-y or feel a little like forgiveness porn to me (“all we need is love to heal the world!”). I nonetheless found this a moving book to read and found myself doing lots of self-reflection. I often cried at the poems/meditations at the ends of the chapters.
July 19, 2016
One of the most important books you'll read in this lifetime. If survivors of apartheid can rebuild a country based on the concept that we're all part of the same human family, that any act can be forgiven, and that every person is capable of transformation, then certainly we can reconsider our own views of who is worthy of forgiveness and who isn't. Including ourselves.
It was especially meaningful to read this book while horrific acts of violence are being committed all across the country. Finger-pointing and retaliation will not lead to healing, and it strays from what Jesus calls us to do: Love your neighbor as yourself.
I'll be thinking on this book for a long time, and challenging myself to live up to the Tutus' brave and compassionate example.
It was especially meaningful to read this book while horrific acts of violence are being committed all across the country. Finger-pointing and retaliation will not lead to healing, and it strays from what Jesus calls us to do: Love your neighbor as yourself.
I'll be thinking on this book for a long time, and challenging myself to live up to the Tutus' brave and compassionate example.
July 11, 2016
This was a beautiful, poetic book about forgiveness. And it was a practical book about the process of forgiveness--how we need to name the story, acknowledge the hurt, grant forgiveness and decide to renew or release the relationship. But it's not a spiritual book, which surprised me a bit. He does reference his Christian faith a few times, but it's mostly universal insights and gripping stories that lead to psychological techniques and personal reflection exercises.
Given the current crisis of today's news, this book is especially poignant. But it also opens your eyes to the many, many hurts we have all done to each other around the world. We all need to practice giving and receiving forgiveness. And this book will help with that practice.
Given the current crisis of today's news, this book is especially poignant. But it also opens your eyes to the many, many hurts we have all done to each other around the world. We all need to practice giving and receiving forgiveness. And this book will help with that practice.
July 4, 2018
The idea and text of the book I actually liked (3 stars) but that the mentioning of "God" and "Religion" is way to much for me. Before I bought the book I checked the blurb and nothing indicated that this book will be a filled with religion. Obviously I should not trust a blurb for the content if it is written by priests.
The ideas behind the book and text I really liked.
It has as well rituals, meditation practices and diary exercises which I all found rather annoying even though I practice meditation myself. It felt a bit like a religious ceremony rather than anything else.
Overall 2 stars = it was okay
The ideas behind the book and text I really liked.
It has as well rituals, meditation practices and diary exercises which I all found rather annoying even though I practice meditation myself. It felt a bit like a religious ceremony rather than anything else.
Overall 2 stars = it was okay
April 6, 2014
Both beautiful and very practical. A book I think could benefit and inspire just about anyone and everyone.
April 1, 2015
this book was recommended to me, but I wonder if that person read the whole thing. It is very repetitive.
August 22, 2016
Truly beautiful book. The instruction for forgiveness is really illustrated well with fabulously shared stories.
January 9, 2022
The news of Desmond Tutu passing about 2 weeks ago triggered me to take up this book. I did have some high level insignt into apartheid from reading about Nelson Mandela and also about South African Republic in general but I had not come across any of his own writings. This book makes you rethink your first world problems and assures that there is still hope left for humankind (lots of warm words about generally very depressing situations).
“Forgiveness does not relieve someone of responsibility for what they have done. Forgiveness does not erase accountability. It is not about turning a blind eye or even turning the other cheek. It is not about letting someone off the hook or saying it is okay to do something monstrous. Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed. Within every hopeless situation and every seemingly hopeless person lies the possibility of transformation.”
“We are not responsible for what breaks us, but we can be responsible for what puts us back together again. Naming the hurt is how we begin to repair our broken parts.”
“Giving the emotion a name is the way we come to understand how what happened affected us. After we’ve told the facts of what happened, we must face our feelings. We are each hurt in our own unique ways, and when we give voice to this pain, we begin to heal it.”
“There is a certain kind of dignity we admire, and to which we aspire, in the person who refuses to meet anger with anger, violence with violence, or hatred with hatred.”
“When we are uncaring, when we lack compassion, when we are unforgiving, we will always pay the price for it. It is not, however, we alone who suffer. Our whole community suffers, and ultimately our whole world suffers. We are made to exist in a delicate network of interdependence. We are sisters and brothers, whether we like it or not. To treat anyone as if they were less than human, less than a brother or a sister, no matter what they have done, is to contravene the very laws of our humanity. And those who shred the web of interconnectedness cannot escape the consequences of their actions.”
“In our own ways, we are all broken. Out of that brokenness, we hurt others. Forgiveness is the journey we take toward healing the broken parts. It is how we become whole again.”
“Forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world. We heal the world by healing each and every one of our hearts. The process is simple, but it is not easy.”
“Forgiveness does not relieve someone of responsibility for what they have done. Forgiveness does not erase accountability. It is not about turning a blind eye or even turning the other cheek. It is not about letting someone off the hook or saying it is okay to do something monstrous. Forgiveness is simply about understanding that every one of us is both inherently good and inherently flawed. Within every hopeless situation and every seemingly hopeless person lies the possibility of transformation.”
“We are not responsible for what breaks us, but we can be responsible for what puts us back together again. Naming the hurt is how we begin to repair our broken parts.”
“Giving the emotion a name is the way we come to understand how what happened affected us. After we’ve told the facts of what happened, we must face our feelings. We are each hurt in our own unique ways, and when we give voice to this pain, we begin to heal it.”
“There is a certain kind of dignity we admire, and to which we aspire, in the person who refuses to meet anger with anger, violence with violence, or hatred with hatred.”
“When we are uncaring, when we lack compassion, when we are unforgiving, we will always pay the price for it. It is not, however, we alone who suffer. Our whole community suffers, and ultimately our whole world suffers. We are made to exist in a delicate network of interdependence. We are sisters and brothers, whether we like it or not. To treat anyone as if they were less than human, less than a brother or a sister, no matter what they have done, is to contravene the very laws of our humanity. And those who shred the web of interconnectedness cannot escape the consequences of their actions.”
“In our own ways, we are all broken. Out of that brokenness, we hurt others. Forgiveness is the journey we take toward healing the broken parts. It is how we become whole again.”
“Forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world. We heal the world by healing each and every one of our hearts. The process is simple, but it is not easy.”
December 1, 2023
Sabem quando gostam tanto de algo que não querem que isso acabe?
Aconteceu-me isso com este livro. Estou a racionar capítulos como se estivessemos em tempos de escassez.
Cada vez que lia uma frase, precisava de um momento
para absorver o conhecimento tão precioso e raro do Tutu, para que o insight que se encontrava delicadamente
escondido nessa mesma frase não me passasse despercibido, e para que a minha vida ficasse mais completa de significado. Estou profundamente grata por me terem recomendado este livro, e como a melhor forma de honrarmos uma magnifica recomendação é devolvermos outra em troca, recomendo a leitura desta obra.
É curioso como me lembro tantas vezes de passagens deste livro, como se estivesse ainda perplexa pelos seus
ensinamentos:
Perdoar é um presente que nos damos a nós mesmos. Perdoar é libertarmo-nos do poder de quem nos fez mal, é
ganharmos autonomia de decisão e liberdade, é escolhermos o nosso próprio futuro. Mas apesar de perdoar ser aceitar que não conseguimos alterar o passado, perdoar não é esquecer (!), pelo contrário, é reconhecer que o que aconteceu não nos define mais. Somos muito mais que os nossos traumas ou que o mal que nos fizeram.
É muito bonito como estas reflexões me fazem lembrar uma das minhas músicas favoritas da Taylor Swift:
"I wanna be defined by the things that I love. Not the things I hate, not the things that I'm afraid of...you are what you love."
Aconteceu-me isso com este livro. Estou a racionar capítulos como se estivessemos em tempos de escassez.
Cada vez que lia uma frase, precisava de um momento
para absorver o conhecimento tão precioso e raro do Tutu, para que o insight que se encontrava delicadamente
escondido nessa mesma frase não me passasse despercibido, e para que a minha vida ficasse mais completa de significado. Estou profundamente grata por me terem recomendado este livro, e como a melhor forma de honrarmos uma magnifica recomendação é devolvermos outra em troca, recomendo a leitura desta obra.
É curioso como me lembro tantas vezes de passagens deste livro, como se estivesse ainda perplexa pelos seus
ensinamentos:
Perdoar é um presente que nos damos a nós mesmos. Perdoar é libertarmo-nos do poder de quem nos fez mal, é
ganharmos autonomia de decisão e liberdade, é escolhermos o nosso próprio futuro. Mas apesar de perdoar ser aceitar que não conseguimos alterar o passado, perdoar não é esquecer (!), pelo contrário, é reconhecer que o que aconteceu não nos define mais. Somos muito mais que os nossos traumas ou que o mal que nos fizeram.
É muito bonito como estas reflexões me fazem lembrar uma das minhas músicas favoritas da Taylor Swift:
"I wanna be defined by the things that I love. Not the things I hate, not the things that I'm afraid of...you are what you love."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 5, 2020
It was a struggle for me to finish Desmond and Mpho Tutu's book on forgiving. I was immediately wary of the Christian message which galvanizes me due to having spent 1/2 of my life devoted to Christianity. I was in denial about the power-driven harmful ministers in my ultra conservative tradition. At the end of the book, I realized I had to forgive my experience with Christianity, even though I left it long ago.
That aside, they present a psychologically sound path to accommodating tragedies or wounds in our lives. "A new story was written out of the tragedy." No, they suggest nothing about "Let's Pretend" or affirmations distinctly opposite to our personal experiences. Desmond and Mpho Tutu have a simple Four Fold Path for Forgiving. 1) Tell the story. 2) Name the hurt. 3) Grant forgiveness. 4) Renew or release the relationship.
Forgiveness serves us, first and foremost. It deletes our suffering. They present any tragic events of accidental deaths, genocides, murders, rapes, and myriad sorrows. The stories are unbelievable compelling and inspiring. I bought the book after reading The Book of Joy by Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama, which I loved. While a struggle, I highly value their and my new view of forgiveness.
That aside, they present a psychologically sound path to accommodating tragedies or wounds in our lives. "A new story was written out of the tragedy." No, they suggest nothing about "Let's Pretend" or affirmations distinctly opposite to our personal experiences. Desmond and Mpho Tutu have a simple Four Fold Path for Forgiving. 1) Tell the story. 2) Name the hurt. 3) Grant forgiveness. 4) Renew or release the relationship.
Forgiveness serves us, first and foremost. It deletes our suffering. They present any tragic events of accidental deaths, genocides, murders, rapes, and myriad sorrows. The stories are unbelievable compelling and inspiring. I bought the book after reading The Book of Joy by Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama, which I loved. While a struggle, I highly value their and my new view of forgiveness.
December 18, 2021
Spiritually inspired and nothing groundbreaking but I appreciated the continuity in how Mr Tutu explains this path. As he states, this is a process that all humans are reconciling on a daily basis and there’s no end to this deluge until our hearts beat no more. The examples and anecdotes illustrate his points well and his tone is firm yet grants the reader space.
I primarily picked up this book to help me better understand how to forgive myself. I’m at an age where I can admit that having a process or numbered steps is something to learn upon rather than roll my eyes at. Tutu pitches at the very end about how forgiveness is key to help humanity move forward as a race. I agree but recognize that this is but one ingredient in a spiritual soup requiring so many practices.
I primarily picked up this book to help me better understand how to forgive myself. I’m at an age where I can admit that having a process or numbered steps is something to learn upon rather than roll my eyes at. Tutu pitches at the very end about how forgiveness is key to help humanity move forward as a race. I agree but recognize that this is but one ingredient in a spiritual soup requiring so many practices.
May 16, 2022
2022 bk 137. A chance question from a friend last summer "What is compassion?" has led me down a long path of reading different books and articles. One of the more recent articles talked about the closeness between compassion and forgiveness and recommended this title. This is a book that I wish I had read in my younger years - it expresses so many things about the power of forgiveness and the relationship between forgiveness, compassion, and grace. I highly recommend this for anyone who has ever been angered by another person, or is angry at another person. It is and can be a life changing book.
May 15, 2018
The weight of its authors' experience transforms what could otherwise have been a regular self-help book into a remarkable guide to personal and collective transformation. Not only does the book offer solid justifications for forgiving others, and personal experiences to back up the justifications, it also includes unique rituals and meditations for readers to try if they're struggling with forgiving others. I learned much from this book.
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