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Say This, Not That: A Foolproof Guide to Effective Interpersonal Communication
This simple, straightforward guide to effective communication is for anyone who has ever wanted to “eat their words.”
Do you ever feel that your words produce the exact opposite effect of what you were hoping for—escalating tensions rather than solving problems? Author of Emotional Bullshit Carl Alasko has found that with the right guidance, anyone can learn effective communication skills. In Say This, Not That , Alasko presents readers with simple instructions for what to say . . . and what not to say. Accompanying each pair of statements is a brief discussion of what makes one so negative and destructive, and the other inviting of the kind of discussion needed. This book is the ultimate resource for anyone who longs to consistently say the right thing at the right time.
Do you ever feel that your words produce the exact opposite effect of what you were hoping for—escalating tensions rather than solving problems? Author of Emotional Bullshit Carl Alasko has found that with the right guidance, anyone can learn effective communication skills. In Say This, Not That , Alasko presents readers with simple instructions for what to say . . . and what not to say. Accompanying each pair of statements is a brief discussion of what makes one so negative and destructive, and the other inviting of the kind of discussion needed. This book is the ultimate resource for anyone who longs to consistently say the right thing at the right time.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 16, 2014
65 people are currently reading
739 people want to read
About the author
Carl Alasko
10 books7 followersCarl Alasko, Ph.D. has been a practicing psychotherapist specializing in couples and families for twenty-five years.
He writes a weekly article about healthy relationships for the online Expert's blogs at Psychology Today and for the past fifteen years has written a weekly advice column "On Relationships" for the Monterey County Herald.
He lives in Monterey, California with his wife and son.
He writes a weekly article about healthy relationships for the online Expert's blogs at Psychology Today and for the past fifteen years has written a weekly advice column "On Relationships" for the Monterey County Herald.
He lives in Monterey, California with his wife and son.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
August 3, 2016
This is one of those books where it's very much, "Oh, well it's obvious when you put it that way!" Alasko's basic premise is that critical, finger-pointing, angry speech, i.e. verbal attack initiates the flight/fight response in humans, resulting in either a verbal counterattack, or verbal or physical withdraw in the other person. Basically, you're never going to connect in a positive way with another person using angry, aggressive speech and body language. He takes this and adds that before you ever open your mouth, you should consider what your intent is with this effort at communication. Are you trying to make the other person hurt and defensive? Or are you actually trying to change the behavior that is bothering you?
For me, a prime example is messiness. If you've ever read my reviews, you know that my husband pretty much always leaves his shoes in the floor, which is an additional problem because one of the rules for my daughter is that she's not allowed to leave her shoes in the floor. As Alasko states later in the book, children are incredibly aware of fairness and rule following, and thus my daughter is perfectly able to observe that her dad doesn't have to follow the rules. He suggests a family meeting to address the issue, but to get back to the Say This, Not That of the book:
After I stubbed my toe for the Nth time on my husband's shoes while navigating the living room in the dark, I might be tempted to yell, "Holy Crap, D, do you ever pick up your damn shoes? I can't believe your mom let you get away with this s---!" What I'm trying to do is express my frustration with a recurring problem, but what I'm actually doing is delivering an incredibly critical and laden with baggage attack. Alasko suggests instead, a calmy phrased and delivered, "Having shoes in the middle of the floor really is a hazard. Would you please pick them up?"
Crazy, but obvious, right? He basically says that we have no right to rage unless we're are actually facing a threat to our lives or our children's lives, and that anger must be expressed without upsetting other people. A direct quote from the book is, "When a person is criticized, accused, punished or humiliated, there's always some kind of negative reaction or retaliation. There's no such thing as a risk-free attack."
Additionally, he adds that when we're dealing with other people that we must do so compassionately, and he shares the Law of Personal Limitations:
I'm sure at this point you're wondering how you ever stand up for yourself, and on this Alasko is pretty clear--taking care of your core needs is your primary duty to yourself, specifically advancing your long-term best interests, developing your character and personal integrity and realizing your deepest, most authentic self. He also talks about developing healthy emotional boundaries, which is an area I could use some work, I'm incredibly sensitive to criticism because I immediately take it to heart. He states that, "An internal boundary is your ability to protect yourself from being invaded by other people's feelings, needs, and ideas."
I think the hardest part for me was the section on communicating effectively with your children. I have said some stupid, mean things to my daughter in the heat of the moment. Example:
Not that: My daughter dives off the couch face-planting into a side table, and promptly begins wailing. Me: "Oh my god! Are you trying to kill yourself?! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO JUMP ON THE FURNITURE?!!. Say This: Alasko says that that you should never use rhetorical questions, ever. Reaction: I'm terrified because my daughter has hurt herself, again, but I'm letting that fear and anger drive my reaction, in that first moment. Yes, I'm going to pick her up and hug her, and put ice on her head, etc., but my first reaction was not perceptively loving. If I've learned anything from this book, it's that you should never open your mouth if you're not emotionally in control.
While some of the information he gives on communicating, I've come to on my own over my daughter's short life (it really is easiest to ask a child why she's upset, and to acknowledge it, than to let a fit spiral out of control), some of it was still an excellent reminder of exactly how seriously little ones take criticism and blame, so the advice he gives here is critical. If you lose your temper, take a couple of breaths, calm down, think about your intent, which is likely to not emotionally scar your child, and then speak without criticism, sarcasm, blame, or other hurtful language, you know, with compassion?
So again, the meat of this book is painfully obvious, but when your reactive response is kicked up, it's hard to think sensibly of the right thing to say, which is why Alasko suggests good ole practice for saying this, not that. I can see myself referencing this every time I have a difficult conversation on the way, and I'm definitely planning on putting in some time with the Advanced Work at the end of the book.
For me, a prime example is messiness. If you've ever read my reviews, you know that my husband pretty much always leaves his shoes in the floor, which is an additional problem because one of the rules for my daughter is that she's not allowed to leave her shoes in the floor. As Alasko states later in the book, children are incredibly aware of fairness and rule following, and thus my daughter is perfectly able to observe that her dad doesn't have to follow the rules. He suggests a family meeting to address the issue, but to get back to the Say This, Not That of the book:
After I stubbed my toe for the Nth time on my husband's shoes while navigating the living room in the dark, I might be tempted to yell, "Holy Crap, D, do you ever pick up your damn shoes? I can't believe your mom let you get away with this s---!" What I'm trying to do is express my frustration with a recurring problem, but what I'm actually doing is delivering an incredibly critical and laden with baggage attack. Alasko suggests instead, a calmy phrased and delivered, "Having shoes in the middle of the floor really is a hazard. Would you please pick them up?"
Crazy, but obvious, right? He basically says that we have no right to rage unless we're are actually facing a threat to our lives or our children's lives, and that anger must be expressed without upsetting other people. A direct quote from the book is, "When a person is criticized, accused, punished or humiliated, there's always some kind of negative reaction or retaliation. There's no such thing as a risk-free attack."
Additionally, he adds that when we're dealing with other people that we must do so compassionately, and he shares the Law of Personal Limitations:
Everyone is always doing as well as they can within their personal limitations, their personal history, what they know and don't know and what they're feeling in that moment. If they could make a healthier decision, they would. This includes you.
I'm sure at this point you're wondering how you ever stand up for yourself, and on this Alasko is pretty clear--taking care of your core needs is your primary duty to yourself, specifically advancing your long-term best interests, developing your character and personal integrity and realizing your deepest, most authentic self. He also talks about developing healthy emotional boundaries, which is an area I could use some work, I'm incredibly sensitive to criticism because I immediately take it to heart. He states that, "An internal boundary is your ability to protect yourself from being invaded by other people's feelings, needs, and ideas."
I think the hardest part for me was the section on communicating effectively with your children. I have said some stupid, mean things to my daughter in the heat of the moment. Example:
Not that: My daughter dives off the couch face-planting into a side table, and promptly begins wailing. Me: "Oh my god! Are you trying to kill yourself?! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO JUMP ON THE FURNITURE?!!. Say This: Alasko says that that you should never use rhetorical questions, ever. Reaction: I'm terrified because my daughter has hurt herself, again, but I'm letting that fear and anger drive my reaction, in that first moment. Yes, I'm going to pick her up and hug her, and put ice on her head, etc., but my first reaction was not perceptively loving. If I've learned anything from this book, it's that you should never open your mouth if you're not emotionally in control.
While some of the information he gives on communicating, I've come to on my own over my daughter's short life (it really is easiest to ask a child why she's upset, and to acknowledge it, than to let a fit spiral out of control), some of it was still an excellent reminder of exactly how seriously little ones take criticism and blame, so the advice he gives here is critical. If you lose your temper, take a couple of breaths, calm down, think about your intent, which is likely to not emotionally scar your child, and then speak without criticism, sarcasm, blame, or other hurtful language, you know, with compassion?
So again, the meat of this book is painfully obvious, but when your reactive response is kicked up, it's hard to think sensibly of the right thing to say, which is why Alasko suggests good ole practice for saying this, not that. I can see myself referencing this every time I have a difficult conversation on the way, and I'm definitely planning on putting in some time with the Advanced Work at the end of the book.
February 6, 2019
I was surprised that so many of the scenarios that the author describes here relate to dating. Then by the end of the book he is covering talking to your children. The intent must have been to ensure the book would be useful for decades for the purchaser. I found the scenarios of conversations were often over-simple, but Alasko usually provided commentary that I found valuable. The value to me was in repeating the oft heard wisdom of the ages – ends up Alasko agrees with a lot of the old saws, like “treat others as you would like to be treated”, and “don’t speak in anger”, and his scenarios illustrate these over and over. The book was short enough, and compartmentalized enough, that it went by quite fast. Enjoyable, as an example of a how-to conversation book.
May 3, 2020
autor v 60 stručných scenároch ponúka efektívne riešenia situácií, pri ktorých si občas ani neuvedomujeme, do akej miery môžu byť deštruktívne. svojimi skúsenosťami zo psychoterapeutickej praxe zdôrazňuje význam komunikácie pre zdravé medziľudské vzťahy.
PS: s odstupom mesiaca od prečítania musím dodať, že v nejednej konverzácii a nejednom konflikte som už komunikáciu stihla vďaka tejto knihe zefektívniť!:)
PS: s odstupom mesiaca od prečítania musím dodať, že v nejednej konverzácii a nejednom konflikte som už komunikáciu stihla vďaka tejto knihe zefektívniť!:)
December 8, 2016
This book gives you concrete examples on how to express yourself in a way that actually conveys the message you're trying to communicate (i.e. is this way of expressing myself the best, given what I want to achieve?), without the overhead of your current volatile feelings, e.g. "it bothers me that you're late" or "I'd would prefer if you could be more on time", and not "well, look who decided to finally show up?!".
While this style of communication may seem awkward and dry (every new habit is at first), I wish I could apply this calm objectivity more often.
While this style of communication may seem awkward and dry (every new habit is at first), I wish I could apply this calm objectivity more often.
September 11, 2016
This book was very heavy on communication in social settings, particularly dating. I would have liked to have seen more ideas for parenting-type (especially for younger children) and also work settings, as that would have been more relevant for my personal life. Perhaps there will be sequels that further explore these topics. I would recommend this book to people who feel like they are often at a loss for words or say the wrong words, particularly out of frustration.
May 24, 2014
This book was kind of stupid. Oh, wait, that's probably what I'm not supposed to say. Let's see...
Nope. It was stupid. Maybe if your life is filled with the exact scenarios in this book and you like to sound like an automaton in response to the humans in your life, you might get something out of this. But for me, this book *robot voice engaged* did not compute.
Nope. It was stupid. Maybe if your life is filled with the exact scenarios in this book and you like to sound like an automaton in response to the humans in your life, you might get something out of this. But for me, this book *robot voice engaged* did not compute.
February 28, 2017
2.5 stars. Could/should we all work on communication? Yes. Does this book have good tips? Sure. But it feels like it's written for teenagers and other young adults. Statements like "Now you will be seen as an adult" were weird and a bit insulting. But maybe I'm not the target audience.
November 21, 2016
Good enough book, covers what you'd expect. more examples and less discussion would have been better. mostly because the discussion could generally be summarized as "think before you talk."
The narrator in the audiobook sounded like a robot, so I'm not a fan of his.
The narrator in the audiobook sounded like a robot, so I'm not a fan of his.
February 10, 2014
Good reminders to be considerate and to think before talking.
April 30, 2020
I liked the specific examples of what not to say. I am still thinking of the main objective of the book which is to think of your objective before you say something. Does what you're going to say help you succeed in your objective, or does it get in the way and keep you from achieving your objective?
November 26, 2023
I love the different scenarios given in this book on how we might communicate, and ways to communicate more effectively. I was able to relate to several of the examples he gave, and I appreciated him giving ideas on how to better communicate through these different situations.
A book that teaches me how I can work on being a better person in any way, is automatically a favorite!
A book that teaches me how I can work on being a better person in any way, is automatically a favorite!
June 11, 2018
I saw this come up on my recommended list on Hoopla. It gives very practical examples of things to say and difficult situations. You would think that these are so commonsensical that people would use them all the time. The world would run a bit smoother with communication like this.
January 4, 2020
Great book, I finished it in just one day. Lots of applications while the author keeps it simple in just a few rules. I find the book very relevant and helpful to my social interactions, including with my colleagues and friends.
May 9, 2017
Somewhat helpful.
August 15, 2017
Techniques with lots of examples on how to communicate effectively and how to avoid reactionary responses. Situations include dating, relationships, workplace, friends and family.
May 10, 2018
Good reminders all!
May 21, 2022
Hopefully I can become a better communicator. Some really good tips and suggestions in here for dealing with partners, family, work and everything in between.
January 20, 2023
Be conscious that other people have feeling too. There, that is the whole book.
April 28, 2024
Audible
January 7, 2025
Could not follow the theme all over the place unfortunately did not finish
August 25, 2016
I received a free advance copy of this book for review purposes.
'Say This Not That: A foolproof Guide to Effective Interpersonal Communication' by Carl Alasko, PH.D is broken into six parts: Dating, Developing a long term relationship, Parenting, Friendships, Workplace and Everyday situations. At the end of the book is a section called Advanced Work.
Within each section are "scenes" consisting of a situation, what not to say, what to say and why you should and shouldn't say certain things in said situation. I found that the advice contained in this book is broad and can be applied to lots of different situations, not just those mentioned in the book.
The book mainly focuses on developing a long term relationships with less attention paid to the topics.
This book talks a lot about personal boundaries, the five rules of effective communication, core needs, personal limitations etc.
I think if you want to learn to be more tactful in everyday conversations this is a good book to check out.
'Say This Not That: A foolproof Guide to Effective Interpersonal Communication' by Carl Alasko, PH.D is broken into six parts: Dating, Developing a long term relationship, Parenting, Friendships, Workplace and Everyday situations. At the end of the book is a section called Advanced Work.
Within each section are "scenes" consisting of a situation, what not to say, what to say and why you should and shouldn't say certain things in said situation. I found that the advice contained in this book is broad and can be applied to lots of different situations, not just those mentioned in the book.
The book mainly focuses on developing a long term relationships with less attention paid to the topics.
This book talks a lot about personal boundaries, the five rules of effective communication, core needs, personal limitations etc.
I think if you want to learn to be more tactful in everyday conversations this is a good book to check out.
February 14, 2014
I received this book for free through Goodreads First Reads and found it kind of helpful for all kinds of communication situations. When situations get emotional or heated, people tend to forget the goal of the conversation,. This book helps you to retrain your responses in communication by giving you ways to divert from going to that emotional lash out and take a minute to think about what your goal is/ what you really want the other person to know. A lot of it is obvious/ duh communications (things you'll read and think I should already know this and be doing it), but most people don't see the obvious when there is a lot of emotion involved. I think this book can help people learn how to take a minute to think before responding in situations. The information in here can also help you if you are a really poor communicator and have trouble finding even the wrong thing to say to others. It's a helpful starting guide to retrain your brain so you can become a more effective communicator with others.
February 23, 2016
I read all sections of this little book and found good tips in all sections, even those on dating and dealing with your children.
Alasko talks about Reactive Responses, not being reactive yourself, and trying to avoid eliciting a reactive response in others. He also sets forth "The Law of Personal Limitations" which states: "People always do as well as they can within their personal limitations, their personal history, what they know and don't know and what they're feeling in that moment. If they could make healthier decisions, they would. This includes you."
The goal is strategic thinking and speakiing in a way that doesn't provoke "a Reactive Response in the listener or yourself."
Alasko talks about Reactive Responses, not being reactive yourself, and trying to avoid eliciting a reactive response in others. He also sets forth "The Law of Personal Limitations" which states: "People always do as well as they can within their personal limitations, their personal history, what they know and don't know and what they're feeling in that moment. If they could make healthier decisions, they would. This includes you."
The goal is strategic thinking and speakiing in a way that doesn't provoke "a Reactive Response in the listener or yourself."
January 21, 2016
Perfect. I find this kind of thing insanely helpful. Like: Here's the situation. Here's a bad way to react and why and here's a good way and why. Sometimes I was feeling a little smug, but really, I was feeling pretty dumb most of the time. It's definitely easy when you're upset to communicate poorly and end up doing more harm than good. Alasko gives readers a handful of rules for every realm (work/love/kids) and those guidelines are insanely helpful. Such a fun, eye-opening amazing little guide.
May 25, 2015
This is a great book about how to communicate in a calm manner. The book encourages us to think about what we want to accomplish with that we are saying. This way of thinking may deter strong emotional responses, such as saying things in the wrong way causing the listener to immediately take a defensive stance.
For those interested in a more detailed review, please see http://forsweetwords.blogspot.com/
For those interested in a more detailed review, please see http://forsweetwords.blogspot.com/
March 18, 2015
Valuable information and strategies are presented in various scenarios. This was a very quick read, but manages to address a variety of communications and boundaries issues. The five rules of effective communication provide a good basis for any difficult communication. Excellent advice and much to think about.
Read
June 19, 2015Skim-read, because "eh." It gets repetitive. If you really need someone to hold your hand through every situation, then maybe this book is for you. I also suspect these scenarios are only useful when the other party also has a stake in effective communication. Not always the case. It should include maps to local bars to address these situations. Obviously.
August 14, 2015
Great overview of Interpersonal Communication. Loved the 5 rules of effective communication on page 14! Book is written in scenarios- one page depicting the wrong thing, and the next how to approach it in a way that is less defensive. Scenarios from different environments: dating, neighbors, workplace, family, etc. Easy to skip through what does not apply to you.
September 8, 2015
I am going to miss the wild and free from interactions of my twenties. However, I have things to get done, and the formulas outlined in this book are really helpful. I see two problems. First. finding other people who will as wholeheartedly embrace the concepts as I am will to. And second, finding an outlet for the passion roiling inside.
November 3, 2016
A cute little book, along the lines of Eat This, Not That, with the wrong way on the left page and the right way to say things on the right-hand page. I liked it as light reading, and benefited from the good examples of how to say things. However, the bad examples were so extreme that I could not relate and it became tiresome.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews