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Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhoods--My Mother's, My Father's, and Mine
"There’s no news like hearing irrefutable proof that you’re not the sole cause of your parents’ woes, your father’s drinking, your unshakable feeling that you’re not put together quite right and finding out the problem all along was your father’s unrequited yearning for angora." —Noelle Howey from Dress Codes
Throughout her childhood in suburban Ohio, Noelle struggled to gain love and affection from her distant father. In compensating for her father’s brusqueness, Noelle idolized her nurturing tomboy mother and her conservative grandma who tried to turn her into “a little lady.” At age 14, Noelle’s mom told her the family secret straight “Dad likes to wear women’s clothes.”
As Noelle copes with a turbulent adolescence, further confused by the male and female role models she had as a girl, her father begins to metamorphose into the loving parent she had always longed for—only now outfitted in pedal pushers and pink lipstick. Could becoming a woman make her father a completely different person? With edgy humor, courage, and remarkable sensitivity, Noelle Howey challenges all of our beliefs in what constitutes gender and a “normal” family.
Throughout her childhood in suburban Ohio, Noelle struggled to gain love and affection from her distant father. In compensating for her father’s brusqueness, Noelle idolized her nurturing tomboy mother and her conservative grandma who tried to turn her into “a little lady.” At age 14, Noelle’s mom told her the family secret straight “Dad likes to wear women’s clothes.”
As Noelle copes with a turbulent adolescence, further confused by the male and female role models she had as a girl, her father begins to metamorphose into the loving parent she had always longed for—only now outfitted in pedal pushers and pink lipstick. Could becoming a woman make her father a completely different person? With edgy humor, courage, and remarkable sensitivity, Noelle Howey challenges all of our beliefs in what constitutes gender and a “normal” family.
368 pages, Hardcover
First published May 16, 2002
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July 30, 2022
dnf
Throughout the memoir, Howey refers to her second mother, a trans woman, as her father, and misgenders her with masculine pronouns. In most of the reviews of this book, her second mother is similarly misgendered, as well as by the publisher. That coupled with the almost self-parodying dramatic tone of the first half of this novel, is not the best way to educate a readership on trans issues.
[ Note for fellow queers: Yes, trans women, and those of any gender, can still choose to use he/him pronouns regardless of identity/expression, and that's valid. However, the book does not acknowledge that nuance in the slightest, and constantly makes parallels between the three women. Why that stops at pronouns and feminine labels, I do not know. ]
Throughout the memoir, Howey refers to her second mother, a trans woman, as her father, and misgenders her with masculine pronouns. In most of the reviews of this book, her second mother is similarly misgendered, as well as by the publisher. That coupled with the almost self-parodying dramatic tone of the first half of this novel, is not the best way to educate a readership on trans issues.
[ Note for fellow queers: Yes, trans women, and those of any gender, can still choose to use he/him pronouns regardless of identity/expression, and that's valid. However, the book does not acknowledge that nuance in the slightest, and constantly makes parallels between the three women. Why that stops at pronouns and feminine labels, I do not know. ]
July 16, 2012
Divorce is complicated and painful even without a big family secret to conceal. Adolescence is anguishing in even its easiest incarnation. And there is simply no best time for a parent and spouse coming out as a cross-dresser.
Dress Codes gets us through all three of these potentially shattering crises with more humour than pathos, in this highly readable, fully autobiographical family saga. Covering ten years of the author’s life, with flashbacks to her parents’ youth and adolescence, the book takes us from Noelle’s pubertal angst at fourteen to the other side of a breakdown at twenty-four. On opening this devastating decade, she learns about her father’s secret obsession with women’s clothing. Her mother breaks the news after a clothes-buying trip at the local mall. Noelle’s initial reaction is one of relief, along the lines of, “Well, then, his unhappiness isn’t my fault after all.” She is thrilled that her mother will get a divorce, removing that cold, withdrawn, irritable, and often drunk man from the family home.
If only life were that simple. Dad is going, yes. In the mid-1980’s of suburban Ohio, divorce is not much of a surprise. “Normal,” however, is the highest possible praise the community can bestow. Any deviation from that standard is apt to be ruthlessly punished. In a situation where most families busily air their dirty linen in front of anyone who will sit still for it, Noelle’s family must preserve a stricter-than-strict silence about the true cause of the family split. To do otherwise would affect not only Noelle’s seemingly normal high school career, but the lucrative careers of both parents as well. Poverty and ostracism lurk behind every unwary word. We feel the weight of the secret building.
Keeping up appearances, a lifestyle long ingrained in her parents’ behavior, is now Noelle’s mission. At a stage in life when a child’s task is to discover and develop her real self, Noelle busily constructs false fronts with little regard for her true wants or needs. Ironically, her father and mother are flinging themselves into the typical post-divorce phase of finding themselves, a phase that strongly resembles adolescence. Her father has pouting fits, tentatively attends cross-dressers’ socials, and goes for gender counseling. Her mother rediscovers sex and learns to golf while rebuilding her neglected career. As their psychological health waxes, their daughter’s wanes. Beneath a cover of normal teenage behavior, she loses touch with her real self more with each passing year. She maintains the pretence of a relationship with a more ‘normal’ neighbour boy and calculates her way through high school’s perilous popularity polls. College, she confidently expects, will be more of the same, and makes it so, developing a sexual relationship so bizarre as to make her parents’ choices seem mainstream. After college, with no other goal but to maintain her relationship, she follows her hand-picked boyfriend to his new job in another state.
There, away from the routines of college, far removed from anyone who knows or cares whether she is keeping up appearances, Noelle’s false front falls apart. In one single year – and barely a chapter of this endlessly fascinating book – she goes from being the object of admiring attention to a mere cog in a clerical machine. Her boyfriend rejects her and puts her down, reconstructing – if she only knew it then – the same kinds of verbal abuse that her father in his unhappiness had used on her mother for too many years. Having spent her adolescence in hiding and conforming, she lacks the sense of self to support her life as an adult. The minor sins of her father, her mother, and her assorted grandparents have all combined with her own life choices to lead her inexorably into a deep, clinical depression.
There is a happy ending, however, one based firmly in real life. The combined efforts of both parents, a supportive counselor, and some intense pharmaceutical therapy bring Noelle home to Ohio and to herself. Noelle’s dad, now a lovely woman named Christine, is at peace with herself and with her own mother, for the first time in nearly fifty years. Noelle’s mother, now remarried, is stronger and happier than ever. Noelle, her overlooked adolescent issues beginning to be resolved, moves on with her life.
Evidence of her recovery is the compilation of this book, involving hundreds of hours of interviews with both of her parents and her surviving grandparents. With breathtaking clarity and determination, she exposes one variety of strange family situation that can lurk behind the most ‘normal’ of front doors. She recounts, with a complete absence of self-pity, the startling discovery that changed her life and threw her off course for a decade. She examines the success story of a woman fighting her way out of the man’s body she was born into, and touches in passing on the many unsavoury ways that struggle might have failed. She peers into her mother’s deepest corners, discovering the young woman who had deliberately condemned herself to a nearly-sexless and almost always unsatisfying marriage out of her own need to be needed.
Intelligent, fluidly written, and ever entrancing, this unusual family saga will keep you turning pages long into the night.
Dress Codes gets us through all three of these potentially shattering crises with more humour than pathos, in this highly readable, fully autobiographical family saga. Covering ten years of the author’s life, with flashbacks to her parents’ youth and adolescence, the book takes us from Noelle’s pubertal angst at fourteen to the other side of a breakdown at twenty-four. On opening this devastating decade, she learns about her father’s secret obsession with women’s clothing. Her mother breaks the news after a clothes-buying trip at the local mall. Noelle’s initial reaction is one of relief, along the lines of, “Well, then, his unhappiness isn’t my fault after all.” She is thrilled that her mother will get a divorce, removing that cold, withdrawn, irritable, and often drunk man from the family home.
If only life were that simple. Dad is going, yes. In the mid-1980’s of suburban Ohio, divorce is not much of a surprise. “Normal,” however, is the highest possible praise the community can bestow. Any deviation from that standard is apt to be ruthlessly punished. In a situation where most families busily air their dirty linen in front of anyone who will sit still for it, Noelle’s family must preserve a stricter-than-strict silence about the true cause of the family split. To do otherwise would affect not only Noelle’s seemingly normal high school career, but the lucrative careers of both parents as well. Poverty and ostracism lurk behind every unwary word. We feel the weight of the secret building.
Keeping up appearances, a lifestyle long ingrained in her parents’ behavior, is now Noelle’s mission. At a stage in life when a child’s task is to discover and develop her real self, Noelle busily constructs false fronts with little regard for her true wants or needs. Ironically, her father and mother are flinging themselves into the typical post-divorce phase of finding themselves, a phase that strongly resembles adolescence. Her father has pouting fits, tentatively attends cross-dressers’ socials, and goes for gender counseling. Her mother rediscovers sex and learns to golf while rebuilding her neglected career. As their psychological health waxes, their daughter’s wanes. Beneath a cover of normal teenage behavior, she loses touch with her real self more with each passing year. She maintains the pretence of a relationship with a more ‘normal’ neighbour boy and calculates her way through high school’s perilous popularity polls. College, she confidently expects, will be more of the same, and makes it so, developing a sexual relationship so bizarre as to make her parents’ choices seem mainstream. After college, with no other goal but to maintain her relationship, she follows her hand-picked boyfriend to his new job in another state.
There, away from the routines of college, far removed from anyone who knows or cares whether she is keeping up appearances, Noelle’s false front falls apart. In one single year – and barely a chapter of this endlessly fascinating book – she goes from being the object of admiring attention to a mere cog in a clerical machine. Her boyfriend rejects her and puts her down, reconstructing – if she only knew it then – the same kinds of verbal abuse that her father in his unhappiness had used on her mother for too many years. Having spent her adolescence in hiding and conforming, she lacks the sense of self to support her life as an adult. The minor sins of her father, her mother, and her assorted grandparents have all combined with her own life choices to lead her inexorably into a deep, clinical depression.
There is a happy ending, however, one based firmly in real life. The combined efforts of both parents, a supportive counselor, and some intense pharmaceutical therapy bring Noelle home to Ohio and to herself. Noelle’s dad, now a lovely woman named Christine, is at peace with herself and with her own mother, for the first time in nearly fifty years. Noelle’s mother, now remarried, is stronger and happier than ever. Noelle, her overlooked adolescent issues beginning to be resolved, moves on with her life.
Evidence of her recovery is the compilation of this book, involving hundreds of hours of interviews with both of her parents and her surviving grandparents. With breathtaking clarity and determination, she exposes one variety of strange family situation that can lurk behind the most ‘normal’ of front doors. She recounts, with a complete absence of self-pity, the startling discovery that changed her life and threw her off course for a decade. She examines the success story of a woman fighting her way out of the man’s body she was born into, and touches in passing on the many unsavoury ways that struggle might have failed. She peers into her mother’s deepest corners, discovering the young woman who had deliberately condemned herself to a nearly-sexless and almost always unsatisfying marriage out of her own need to be needed.
Intelligent, fluidly written, and ever entrancing, this unusual family saga will keep you turning pages long into the night.
July 15, 2017
Ms. Howey is a wonderful storyteller. This book felt like an intimate conversation with a close friend. A+ for taking the complex emotions associated with having a parent come out as trans and weaving a beautiful familial love story out of them.
April 22, 2022
Compelling book about people just trying to figure it out, you know? These aren't weirdos in extraordinary situations. They are very different from me, but the desperation to understand who they were (especially in relation to other people) was relatable.
January 11, 2016
Ms. Howey’s book about her father’s gradual change from a man who loved women (albeit in a very lukewarm fashion) into a woman who loved men and then loved women doesn’t plot a smooth, straight and easy path, by any means. Shifting uneasily between her story and those of her parents and grandparents, her tale of transgender confusion, child rearing, social stigmatizing and unequally discomforting acceptance veers from one scene of depression, mood swings, awkward parenting and equally awkward adolescence to another. There is pathos, yes, and also unexpected humor as we read how her father studied diligently for all the roles in his life: becoming a man, becoming a transvestite and then becoming a transsexual.
None of this was easy for Noelle to accept although she struggled dutifully to do so while forging her own identity. What’s amazing is how in depth her portrayals are, how she doesn’t spare the reader about the ghastly mistakes she, as well as everyone else around her, made in order to be her own person.
This isn’t an affirmative tale of gender alteration. There are few Geraldo-like scenes of people happily embracing change in their loved ones. Those such moments that do exist are countered with what amount to behind-the-scenes looks at just how our stated good intentions can fall far short of our actual feelings.
In the end, like any autobiography, the story is as much about her as it is about her father. Her attempts to reach adulthood were fraught with almost as many trials as her father’s. Was she a good girl? A secret slut? A strident feminist? A willingly submissive girlfriend? An accepting, supportive, loving daughter or a resentful teenager angry with her parents for not remaining a happy nuclear family? Reconciling all the different aspects of her nature took almost as great a toll on her as it did on her father and her descriptions of it are enough to make you cringe and wonder: however did she survive THAT?
Moving, eye-opening, engrossing and gross by turns, Dress Codes is at once a very ordinary and very extraordinary generational story of one family’s coming out to the world and each other.
None of this was easy for Noelle to accept although she struggled dutifully to do so while forging her own identity. What’s amazing is how in depth her portrayals are, how she doesn’t spare the reader about the ghastly mistakes she, as well as everyone else around her, made in order to be her own person.
This isn’t an affirmative tale of gender alteration. There are few Geraldo-like scenes of people happily embracing change in their loved ones. Those such moments that do exist are countered with what amount to behind-the-scenes looks at just how our stated good intentions can fall far short of our actual feelings.
In the end, like any autobiography, the story is as much about her as it is about her father. Her attempts to reach adulthood were fraught with almost as many trials as her father’s. Was she a good girl? A secret slut? A strident feminist? A willingly submissive girlfriend? An accepting, supportive, loving daughter or a resentful teenager angry with her parents for not remaining a happy nuclear family? Reconciling all the different aspects of her nature took almost as great a toll on her as it did on her father and her descriptions of it are enough to make you cringe and wonder: however did she survive THAT?
Moving, eye-opening, engrossing and gross by turns, Dress Codes is at once a very ordinary and very extraordinary generational story of one family’s coming out to the world and each other.
June 23, 2016
An interesting take on the issues surrounding later-life transition. Ms Howey opens up her life, as well as those of her parents, to inspection, comparison, and enlightenment.
We who transition live a life of Fear. My biggest fear is not my own death at the hands of those who hate me, but of the effect my transition will have on my young daughter (to whom I came out when she was 6.)
She will live her own life, and hopefully be stronger for the experience, as it appears Ms. Howey has become.
I recommend this book highly
We who transition live a life of Fear. My biggest fear is not my own death at the hands of those who hate me, but of the effect my transition will have on my young daughter (to whom I came out when she was 6.)
She will live her own life, and hopefully be stronger for the experience, as it appears Ms. Howey has become.
I recommend this book highly
January 23, 2008
a really great non-academic, non-gender-deconstructionist memoir. a great book for the 'i want to get it' beginners in your life.
March 27, 2022
This was an interesting, yet heart-breaking story. I think what bothers me most is the depth of tragedy the entire family endured. Their status quo was, for years, a continual spiraling down of any kind of relief, a hopelessness. Having my own deep settled peace with God and knowing what He demands does not change the empathy that comes into play when one is confronted with a conflicted person who is going through confusion such as this. And to have been a child living with parents who had no clue how to deal with what they knew, what a tremendous load for a little girl. Yet Noelle kept her sense of humor and, though not excusing the behavior of her parents, she came to embrace them AS her parents.
August 13, 2017
I applauded Howey's honesty and ability to openly share her perspective and experience. Dress Codes is not only tastefully written, but is also charming, at times funny, and heart wrenching.
For anyone who wants to further educate themself, expand their perspective and understanding, or is looking for solidarity and a sense of community in regards to having a transgender family member I definitely would recommend this book!
For anyone who wants to further educate themself, expand their perspective and understanding, or is looking for solidarity and a sense of community in regards to having a transgender family member I definitely would recommend this book!
February 16, 2022
The author does a wonderful job of describing her own and both her parents' struggles toward womanhood. Howey's father is a transgendered female, who was closeted for much of her adult life. This affected Howey and her mother very negatively, as her father was so buttoned-down, "he" couldn't express affection or, really, any strong emotion other than anger. The book is not a downer, though. It's often laugh-out-loud funny, as well as illuminating.
July 22, 2018
Noelle Howey’s dad started becoming a woman at the same time she did. Their family transformation is touching and confusing. Howey writes with heart and humor. I’d give this five stars if her writing were a little more clear as to whose voice she is writing about toward the middle of the book. I recommend this book to anyone who feels out of place or alone, or who is trying to understand life.
October 3, 2020
As someone with many LGBT friends, and a member of the community myself, I enjoyed the representation. However, to be purely honest she should have mentioned her boyfriends much less frequently, or at least in more modest detail, and focused on her family and career lives instead. After all, the book was meant to be about her family.
September 10, 2022
I liked it but couldn’t love it because it was all over the place and just too self absorbed.
July 21, 2024
Very touching!
October 25, 2024
Just couldn’t finish this. First book I ever gave up on
January 11, 2025
Beautifully written. The end gave me goosebumps. Much love for Noelle and her family 🩷
January 13, 2025
I have A LOT of things to say about this, it put me through the ringer. This is a placeholder, something will be put here.
February 13, 2025
Dnf d it not something I wanted to finish.
October 17, 2025
I was just speed reading this book. Some parts grabbed my attention, but not a lot of it. It seems like she still has some unresolved issues, like mis-gendering her father.
June 2, 2010
This book begins by throwing the reader into the middle of the author's unusual and shockingly frank after school activities. It was honestly a bit of a shock, to be thrown into the story in such an, um, personal way. Especially shocking since her parents played such a big role in this book and were instrumental in recounting so many of the details of her childhood and surely read each word. Call me a prude, but it really caught me off guard.
Because of this startling beginning, it took me a little longer to let my guard down enough to really connect with the characters. In short, this is a story of Howey's childhood - her relationship with her parents, a particular grandma, and herself. Howey's dad eventually decides to undergo gender reassignment surgery, living his life as a woman since Howey was in high school.
I was pretty ambivalent towards this book until about halfway through or so, when Howey begins to try to repair her relationship with her father, as a woman. I felt like this is where Howey herself really started to let her guard down herself and started to see her parents as actual people rather than those authoritarian half-people that adolescence seems to warp your mind to think. Howey was frank and insightful and (most of the time) I found her immensely relatable.
Overall, though, I found this one to just be ok. If the whole book had been more like the latter half, I think I would have enjoyed it much more. I did, however, like that Howey included quite a few family pictures on the inside of the book jacket; I always love seeing actual photos of the people I'm reading about. And Howey's dad really did make a decent looking woman!
Because of this startling beginning, it took me a little longer to let my guard down enough to really connect with the characters. In short, this is a story of Howey's childhood - her relationship with her parents, a particular grandma, and herself. Howey's dad eventually decides to undergo gender reassignment surgery, living his life as a woman since Howey was in high school.
I was pretty ambivalent towards this book until about halfway through or so, when Howey begins to try to repair her relationship with her father, as a woman. I felt like this is where Howey herself really started to let her guard down herself and started to see her parents as actual people rather than those authoritarian half-people that adolescence seems to warp your mind to think. Howey was frank and insightful and (most of the time) I found her immensely relatable.
Overall, though, I found this one to just be ok. If the whole book had been more like the latter half, I think I would have enjoyed it much more. I did, however, like that Howey included quite a few family pictures on the inside of the book jacket; I always love seeing actual photos of the people I'm reading about. And Howey's dad really did make a decent looking woman!
May 2, 2011
Someone on a message board I frequent mentioned reading Dress Codes, and it caught my interest enough that I added it onto my Amazon order the last time I had a gift certificate. It's the memoir of a girl whose father is a transsexual who "came out" and decided to live as a woman while the author was a teenager.
Ms. Howey weaves together her own childhood stories with those of her parents and grandparents, and largely creates a portrait of a typical suburban American family life. While she talks about her father and his transformation from bitter, distant alcoholic male to confident, loving female, the main focus of the story is really her own tale of growing up. She deals with typical teenage angst and self-doubt, and while she struggles with problems relating to her father, she is quick to note how many of her friends had much bigger problems than her own mildly rocky home life. By the time her father decides to come out, Ms. Howey is headed to college, where she uses "My father is a transsexual" as a line to win friends and impress professors. Her father's struggles and concerns serve more as a backdrop for her own tale than the forefront of the story.
For what this book is - a memoir of a girl's teenage years - it's an enjoyable read. I think that, much like Ms. Howey admits to doing in her college years, the book's title and back-cover description somewhat take advantage of her father's lifestyle to attract interest. One of Ms. Howey's aims does seem to be to show that her family wasn't really particularly unique or unusual, but the book isn't quite as much of a tale "of three girlhoods" as the title would suggest.
Ms. Howey weaves together her own childhood stories with those of her parents and grandparents, and largely creates a portrait of a typical suburban American family life. While she talks about her father and his transformation from bitter, distant alcoholic male to confident, loving female, the main focus of the story is really her own tale of growing up. She deals with typical teenage angst and self-doubt, and while she struggles with problems relating to her father, she is quick to note how many of her friends had much bigger problems than her own mildly rocky home life. By the time her father decides to come out, Ms. Howey is headed to college, where she uses "My father is a transsexual" as a line to win friends and impress professors. Her father's struggles and concerns serve more as a backdrop for her own tale than the forefront of the story.
For what this book is - a memoir of a girl's teenage years - it's an enjoyable read. I think that, much like Ms. Howey admits to doing in her college years, the book's title and back-cover description somewhat take advantage of her father's lifestyle to attract interest. One of Ms. Howey's aims does seem to be to show that her family wasn't really particularly unique or unusual, but the book isn't quite as much of a tale "of three girlhoods" as the title would suggest.
March 19, 2014
This is the story of a woman born in a man's body and how she goes about correcting the mistake. This is the story of the woman who loves that man/woman, even though they never have the passionate sex life she hopes for and expects. This is the story of their daughter, the story told by that daughter (and sometimes the daughter's writing style reminds me of David Sedaris). This is the story of three people who love each other even when they don't understand each other, even when they hurt each other.
Here is my favorite paragraph from this book: "...I was never sure what the prerequisites for womanhood should entail. The ability to menstruate? To bear children? Lots of bona fide XX carriers had no uterus, no eggs, no periods, no desire to procreate. Was being a woman just about having a vagina? If that was the case, then Women's Studies should consist of just one class: Anatomy 101. Or was that word really shorthand for an amalgam of cultural experience, from giggling at slumber parties to being wolf-whistled at on the street?"
This book should be read by anyone trying to understand transsexuality, especially by anyone who loves someone who is transsexual. This book is hopeful and kind.
Here is my favorite paragraph from this book: "...I was never sure what the prerequisites for womanhood should entail. The ability to menstruate? To bear children? Lots of bona fide XX carriers had no uterus, no eggs, no periods, no desire to procreate. Was being a woman just about having a vagina? If that was the case, then Women's Studies should consist of just one class: Anatomy 101. Or was that word really shorthand for an amalgam of cultural experience, from giggling at slumber parties to being wolf-whistled at on the street?"
This book should be read by anyone trying to understand transsexuality, especially by anyone who loves someone who is transsexual. This book is hopeful and kind.
March 16, 2008
This is the only published memoir I know of written by the daughter of a transgender MTF parent. I believe it's author is editing Real Simple magazine these days. The book portrays just what the title suggests. Howey lays out her own childhood growing up with a closeted transsexual father, supplemented with each of her parents' childhood memories. As she grows into a young woman, Howey's father undergoes a transition into womanhood herself.
To me, this is a palatable mainstream version of one KOT (kids of trans) story - one of dysfunctional middle class suburban normalcy disrupted by dad's gender transition. Her dad's male persona "dies" and emerges as a much healthier and happier female parent. The whole family transitions.
I prefer the anthology Howey co-edited called "Out of the Ordinary" to her memoir, but I'll always admire her for writing this book.
I am grateful for Noelle Howey's work. Mine may not exist without it.
To me, this is a palatable mainstream version of one KOT (kids of trans) story - one of dysfunctional middle class suburban normalcy disrupted by dad's gender transition. Her dad's male persona "dies" and emerges as a much healthier and happier female parent. The whole family transitions.
I prefer the anthology Howey co-edited called "Out of the Ordinary" to her memoir, but I'll always admire her for writing this book.
I am grateful for Noelle Howey's work. Mine may not exist without it.
May 29, 2008
Excellent - The author's father cross dresses in secret for years (only his wife knows what he is doing) and eventually becomes a woman. The story flips back and forth between the lives of the author, her mother, and her father beginning with their childhoods, which allows the reader to really get to know the characters. There was more information on all of their sex lives than any child should know about their parents (or any parent know about their child) but I'm guessing going through a sex change tends to make a family more open about these things.
What I found most interesting was the fact that the author spent her childhood hoping that her parents would get divorced because her dad was so cold and unloving towards her. It was only after he started living as a women that he (she) was able to be a good parent. Gender is such a complicated issue that obviously involves more than simply the body you are born with.
What I found most interesting was the fact that the author spent her childhood hoping that her parents would get divorced because her dad was so cold and unloving towards her. It was only after he started living as a women that he (she) was able to be a good parent. Gender is such a complicated issue that obviously involves more than simply the body you are born with.
August 11, 2010
Memoir of a suburban childhood with a cross-dressing dad. The first half of Dress Codes is like any other story of neglect. "I had a dad possibly like yours… sullen, sporadically hostile, frequently vacant." It was her loving mother who eventually confided her father's secret in the midst of the teenage angst that is 15. This news came as relief, explaining the remoteness, the drinking, the mood swings, reassuring that these were not the young Noelle's fault, but the result of her father's constantly stifled "yearning for angora." Although the early chapters are interesting, Dress Codes takes off at the halfway point, when her father realized he was not a heterosexual male transvestite, but a woman. His sexual transition and the family's awkward adjustment to it includes total destruction of what the family was, and evolution into a new life. This life only has one thing in common with the old, the one thing that Noelle is forbidden to share with the world-- this One Big Secret.
June 29, 2008
This is a strange book, to say the least. I liked the holistic nature of the story, which covered every family member's reactions to, struggles with, and finally, acceptance of, the author's father's sexuality. I had been expecting to read a book about growing up with a father who is a transsexual. Instead, the author describes the sex lives of her parents and grandparents, as well as her own. I can't imagine how she collected some of the information for this book. At the end, she vaguely discusses her own mental health issues, which I think are unresolved. She seems to be obsessed with image in general and is not as accepting of sexual variance as she claims to be. Particularly bothersome is her idea that her own submissive nature in the bedroom is somehow contradictory to the feminist image that she wants to project. I think she needs a new therapist.
February 6, 2013
it's astonishing how Howey is able to both portray her own feelings about her childhood and both of her parent's, so that all three "characters" are full realized people. it takes a compassionate, brave writer. i also like how she skillfully moved around in time, cutting from past to present and back again, in a way that was never confusing. what this allowed her to do was draw "thematic" parallels between her, her mother and her father. For example, lining up her lose of virginity with her mother's first sexual experience after her marriage had ended. Or Howey's struggles to find her identity with her father's struggles to find his identity as a woman. i learned a lot from the book, not just about writing, but also about the transgender community and how hard it is/was to find yourself, how horrible you have to mangle yourself just to fit in. The book make me a wiser person.
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August 4, 2008
This book didn't blow me out of the water but it was worth the read once I finally made it all the way through. Some parts were extremely poignant in there insight but a lot of it fell short of it's, I think hoped for, dramatic effect. Still, it would be a good start for someone curious about the subject but not ready to dive into something that still is a little intimidating for them. The books structure has a lot to do with this as Howey compares and contrasts many states of womanhood from many different gender and sexual identities. The book generally gives off that idea of "we have more similarities than differences" even while she tries to shock with her own stories.
August 23, 2011
Noelle Howey's father's dad is kind of a miserable jerk, and Noelle feels like it's all her fault. It's only when Noelle's mother tells her about her father's cross-dressing that Noelle realizes the internal struggle he has been facing his whole life. After her parents divorce, and her dad comes out as a transwoman, the family members are all able to rediscover themselves and start building a family that's stronger and more loving than ever before.
This fast-paced family memoir is alternately sad, serious, and funny, and I couldn't put it down. If you liked Fun Home, I would definitely recommend it.
This fast-paced family memoir is alternately sad, serious, and funny, and I couldn't put it down. If you liked Fun Home, I would definitely recommend it.
January 26, 2010
This book was just meh. I was glad to see there were some relatable moments, like when the author's father can't fathom that he could have impregnated his wife. That said, I found it awkward - and a bit frustrating - that the author's eventual evolution (which was significant, but I won't ruin it) was left for the last few pages.
The second half went far faster than the first half, though as a memoir it seemed a bit rote.
I do wish it wasn't out of print. I had to buy a used copy because my public library didn't have it.
The second half went far faster than the first half, though as a memoir it seemed a bit rote.
I do wish it wasn't out of print. I had to buy a used copy because my public library didn't have it.
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