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294 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2008
’The horse looked rather artificial, as if it was aware of the camera and was posing. This horse looked like it was filled with resolve, yet it also appeared to be in a state of self-abandonment, enduring great difficulties. Depending on the feelings of each viewer, the horse evoked different motions. It seemed to have emerged from the white backdrop, but it also seemed as if it would disappear into the backdrop. I ultimately imagined the horse disappearing into the white background.’
‘She realized that learning that someone has hemorrhoids can make you feel closer to them. It was different from finding out that someone has a heart problem or diabetes or high blood pressure. In fact, you have to be very close to someone in order to confess that you have hemorrhoids.’
‘Molly talked to herself from time to time. My girlfriend, in a good mood after returning from church on Sundays, would sing a song from church, and stare at Molly and say, What do you think, tell me what you think, show me that you think, too, and Molly would think for a moment and say, Crazy bitch. When she did, my girlfriend would be very happy and pat Molly on the head. My girlfriend went to church only on Sundays, and did cross-stitching when she had some free time. I kept two goldfish in a small fishbowl by the window.’
‘As you might know, your mother and I didn’t love each other. Well, maybe we loved each other in the most exhausted sense of love. Yes, it was a strange relationship. Anyhow, we accidentally got to know each other and kept on seeing one another, like a habit you can’t easily abandon. While together we would treat each other in a causal and disrespectful way . . . although no serious ill-treatment occurred at all between us, I couldn’t help feeling insulted.’
‘Have I ever truly loved anyone or anything?” He shakes his head. “I was always ready not to love anyone or anything. Love was something beyond my capacity. So I’ve tried not to love anything, even a trivial thing. I thought loving somebody was the most horrible thing I could do to myself. And now I can allow myself to admit that I don’t have the ability to truly love someone, and I’m also now able to recognize the fact.’
‘Her lips were tasteless. And the kiss was neither good nor bad. It was such an empty experience that I wondered how it was possible for me to feel that way. And it seemed she felt the same way, too. With our lips touching we looked at each other from such a close distance that the other person’s face appeared blurry. And while we were kissing we didn’t experience anything like eternity passing. The kiss, where no tongues were extended and no excitement was shared, was so dispassionate that it didn’t provoke or reject any reaction—it was a kiss of cessation. I felt like I was kissing the trace of a kiss. I felt her shallow breathing on the tip of my nose. We realized that we couldn’t get any closer to each other, couldn’t go beyond the border created by our lips and that if we did so it would go against our deepest wishes.’
‘Afterwards she came out with her face washed and then started putting on some makeup, acting as if she was all alone in the room. In the mirror he watched the woman apply her makeup. As she put on her face powder, her complexion became paler and her wrinkles disappeared. “You look like you’ve put on some weight,” he said. “Aging, no doubt,” she replied. In the mirror the woman was only looking at herself. Meanwhile, he stared at himself watching the woman in the mirror. He stared like he was trying to figure out who was who in an old photo. The woman now looked at him in the mirror. She looked like a stranger to him. The two sat there without saying anything. All the while, the woman kept yawning.’
‘At rare times, the music exerted a power over me, but usually I found music very dreary and nearly intolerable. It had gotten to the point where I could only tolerate music at rare moments. Though she also played the piano, there was little music that she could tolerate, and she believed that something about peoples’ absolute faith in music and its ability to touch the soul was excessive. She believed that, like religion, there were too many superstitions surrounding music. We both shared a certain hostility toward music.’
‘Maybe K was asleep. He had severe insomnia, and sometimes, he would go without sleep for several days, then sleep for two days in a row. Perhaps what had brought the three of them together was their severe insomnia. In any case, many of the significant memories they had in common had to do with sleep.’