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272 pages, Hardcover
Published July 2, 2024
Most of the time, I took the approach that if the suit didn’t fit, I would simply wear it anyway—and wear it well. Wear it better than anyone expected. This meant that I set a personal goal to be completely prepared for every EVA training event. I’d always worked hard to keep in top physical shape, but the bigger suit demanded even more strength. The gym became one of my top priorities. I made a point of learning how to do pull-ups (men, for some reason, have a thing for pull-ups), and would toss off a set of five or six nonchalantly when I noticed any of the experienced EVA folks at the astronaut gym. There was no such thing as too much foresight or practice. My strategy was to maximize the skills that I brought to the task, so that I could focus my energy on the skills that were harder for me. Before doing a pool run, I prerehearsed everything I might be doing underwater. I went to the tool shop the night before and practiced using all the intricately designed tools I knew I’d be using the next day. I made drawings of how I wanted to configure all the tools on the mini workstation attached to my spacesuit. I watched and rewatched footage of underwater spacewalkers doing the same tasks I would be doing. I identified situations where I might be vulnerable to making mistakes. The night before a pool run, I always tried to get a good night’s sleep. And even if I was at the end of my rope—my internal tether, so to speak—I stayed cheerful. Well, cheerful-ish. Being considered “easy to work with” was a key requirement for spacewalking. Then, when it was over, I always requested feedback from both the diving team and my instructors. What should I do differently? How can I do it better?
My advice to anyone who finds themselves in such a situation is to start by asking: Why am I not fitting in here? What’s really going on? Is it just a vibe, or am I justified? And can I push for change or do I need to make the best of the way things are? Some situations, like being a small-framed woman who finds herself inside a cavernous, medium-sized spacesuit, may appear to be intractable. You can’t really design your own spacesuit, at least not yet. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do about the constraints of the situation, and you just have to adapt yourself. But other times, you may have more control than you realize. Sometimes you can make the world adapt to you (within reason), and not the other way around. Sometimes you can redesign the parameters of your environment to better accommodate the people who come after you. It’s up to you to determine when to try to change things, and when to let them go.
"Representation doesn't fix everything, but it changes, on a visceral level, the menu of options that you feel you can reach for."