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Don't Call Me Mother: A Daughter's Journey from Abandonment to Forgiveness
At the age of four, a little girl stands on a cold, windy railroad platform in Wichita, Kansas to watch the train take her mother away. For the rest of her life, her mother will be only an occasional and troubled visitor. Linda Joy Myers's compassionate, gripping, and soul-searching memoir tells the story of three generations of daughters who long for their absent mothers, yet unwittingly recreate a pattern that she was determined to break. Accompany Linda as she uncovers family secrets, finds solace in music, and begins her healing journey. Learn how she transcends the prison of childhood to discover light in the darkness of strife, abuse, and undiagnosed mental illness. Don't Call Me Mother was originally published in 2005. This revised edition includes a new introduction and afterword, with new insights about memoir writing. It's an inspiring chronicle of perseverance, healing, and the transformative power of forgiveness.
380 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2005
26 people are currently reading
782 people want to read
About the author
Linda Joy Myers
18 books148 followersLinda Joy Myers has always been haunted by the power of the past to affect people in the stream of time. She learned about World War II through her grandmother, a passionate Anglophile who would rhapsodize about the unfairness of war. Together they watched black and white documentaries about the war when Linda Joy was young which led to a passion about history which she integrated into her own struggles with intergenerational trauma and her work as a therapist and a writer.
As founder of the National Association of Memoir Writers, Linda Joy is the author of four books on memoir writing. The Power of Memoir and Journey of Memoir help writers find their way to their healing stories. Her two memoirs Don’t Call Me Mother, and Song of the Plains have won the Bay Area Publishing Association Gold Medal award and the 2018 Next Generation Indie Book awards.
The search for layers of truth to help inform current generations about WWII led Linda Joy to explore the mostly unknown history of Vichy France in the weeks following the fall of France. Her new book is inspired by Varian Fry’s memoir Surrender on Demand and Donald Caskie’s The Tartan Pimpernel, and by the daunting courage of unknown and unnamed people who helped to save the lives of thousands of refugees, British soldiers, and other lost souls during the chaotic war in France. Memoirs were the most helpful books to find the “inside” secret stories.
Linda Joy loves to travel, tends her rose bushes and her two kitties, Harvey, a Maine coon, and Charlie, a Norwegian forest cat. They sit on her desk and dangle their paws over the keys.
To learn about The Forger of Marseille and what inspired it: https://theforgerofmarseille.com.
Linda Joy’s memoir links: www.namw.org and www.writeyourmemoirinsixmonths.com.
As founder of the National Association of Memoir Writers, Linda Joy is the author of four books on memoir writing. The Power of Memoir and Journey of Memoir help writers find their way to their healing stories. Her two memoirs Don’t Call Me Mother, and Song of the Plains have won the Bay Area Publishing Association Gold Medal award and the 2018 Next Generation Indie Book awards.
The search for layers of truth to help inform current generations about WWII led Linda Joy to explore the mostly unknown history of Vichy France in the weeks following the fall of France. Her new book is inspired by Varian Fry’s memoir Surrender on Demand and Donald Caskie’s The Tartan Pimpernel, and by the daunting courage of unknown and unnamed people who helped to save the lives of thousands of refugees, British soldiers, and other lost souls during the chaotic war in France. Memoirs were the most helpful books to find the “inside” secret stories.
Linda Joy loves to travel, tends her rose bushes and her two kitties, Harvey, a Maine coon, and Charlie, a Norwegian forest cat. They sit on her desk and dangle their paws over the keys.
To learn about The Forger of Marseille and what inspired it: https://theforgerofmarseille.com.
Linda Joy’s memoir links: www.namw.org and www.writeyourmemoirinsixmonths.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
March 3, 2023
A brutal read.
The moments of any levity and light are so few and far between, that reading this memoir of a darling little girl who was raised in what can only be described as a living hell was a hard row to hoe.
Like all little kids, the author was able to cobble together some sense of narrative to get through her childhood of being violently attacked by her grandmother, outright shunned by her mother, sexually violated by her dad, and then at one point given to a family who the mother can only be described as a psychopath. Thankfully, living with that family didn't last long , but the author was beaten, verbally abused, and sexually abused in that short time.
There is really no reason the author did not turn out to be prostitute shooting meth and working low-rent truck stops along I-80 in western Wyoming. Her childhood was brutal.
Instead, she amazingly thrived and became a therapist and loving mother and attuned human, who inexplicably allowed her mother to deny her and her grandchildren's existence up until practically the day she died. The authors son, Shannon, who was just a wee lad, asked her on one wretched visit to the grandmothers' house in Chicago: "Why do you bring us here when she doesn't want us?
It was fascinating to see how the author was able to cut her great-grandma, who raised her, out of her life and yet still kept trying to gain the good graces of her mother, who abandoned her, and denied her existence. It wasn't until she saw the effects on her small son that she realized she could no longer expose her children to the vicious woman that was her own mother.
The entire book was painful, but the last bits, when the author returns to be with her mother when the mother was in hospice were drops of acid in my heart. The author does a very brave and courageous job of being there for her mom, but it was at a great cost and the mother never truly reciprocated. The mother just seemed manipulative and cruel to the very end.
Then the very last kick to the kidney: the molester cousin visit. I was just gnashing at the bit by this time. Absolutely appalled that this author, this obviously amazingly brilliant, profoundly healed woman who was raising three children in a loving and attuned home could still gloss over and try to 'play nice" to these people.
The author goes on to write about why she didn't tell the whole story, "...but I know why I didn't: I was not ready to lose everything. I knew that I would. And I did."
What a painful place to be, and so many of us reside there: that if we protect ourselves, as we so deserve to be protected, if we speak our truths against the lies of the family, if we treat ourselves with the kindness and respect that we have been denied for so long- we will literally lose our families. Because by breaking the First Cardinal Rule of Abusive Families: never tell a soul, we are cast out.
This book was hard and I am so glad I read it. To hold space for so much pain, so much grief, so much, so much, so much...it was not a delightful read. I felt anxious and full of dread most of the time. I felt so much tenderness for this young child and her trajectory.
The author mentions at one point that memories are living documents, that is true, but one thing that was missing from this memoir that is amongst even the most brutal of situations with the living was humor. I found little to no moments or brevity and hope and lightness until literally the last few pages. It was sweet to finally encounter.
On the last page, the authors grandson speaking to her about his aunt:
"Nana, I like Aunt Amanda."
"I like her, too"
DAYUUUUUM! This line almost broke me. The author is able to say and give to her own daughter something she was denied by her own mother and grandmother: acceptance.
To be liked for exactly who she is.
What more does a child need then to be loved and accepted by their mothers.
The moments of any levity and light are so few and far between, that reading this memoir of a darling little girl who was raised in what can only be described as a living hell was a hard row to hoe.
Like all little kids, the author was able to cobble together some sense of narrative to get through her childhood of being violently attacked by her grandmother, outright shunned by her mother, sexually violated by her dad, and then at one point given to a family who the mother can only be described as a psychopath. Thankfully, living with that family didn't last long , but the author was beaten, verbally abused, and sexually abused in that short time.
There is really no reason the author did not turn out to be prostitute shooting meth and working low-rent truck stops along I-80 in western Wyoming. Her childhood was brutal.
Instead, she amazingly thrived and became a therapist and loving mother and attuned human, who inexplicably allowed her mother to deny her and her grandchildren's existence up until practically the day she died. The authors son, Shannon, who was just a wee lad, asked her on one wretched visit to the grandmothers' house in Chicago: "Why do you bring us here when she doesn't want us?
It was fascinating to see how the author was able to cut her great-grandma, who raised her, out of her life and yet still kept trying to gain the good graces of her mother, who abandoned her, and denied her existence. It wasn't until she saw the effects on her small son that she realized she could no longer expose her children to the vicious woman that was her own mother.
The entire book was painful, but the last bits, when the author returns to be with her mother when the mother was in hospice were drops of acid in my heart. The author does a very brave and courageous job of being there for her mom, but it was at a great cost and the mother never truly reciprocated. The mother just seemed manipulative and cruel to the very end.
Then the very last kick to the kidney: the molester cousin visit. I was just gnashing at the bit by this time. Absolutely appalled that this author, this obviously amazingly brilliant, profoundly healed woman who was raising three children in a loving and attuned home could still gloss over and try to 'play nice" to these people.
The author goes on to write about why she didn't tell the whole story, "...but I know why I didn't: I was not ready to lose everything. I knew that I would. And I did."
What a painful place to be, and so many of us reside there: that if we protect ourselves, as we so deserve to be protected, if we speak our truths against the lies of the family, if we treat ourselves with the kindness and respect that we have been denied for so long- we will literally lose our families. Because by breaking the First Cardinal Rule of Abusive Families: never tell a soul, we are cast out.
This book was hard and I am so glad I read it. To hold space for so much pain, so much grief, so much, so much, so much...it was not a delightful read. I felt anxious and full of dread most of the time. I felt so much tenderness for this young child and her trajectory.
The author mentions at one point that memories are living documents, that is true, but one thing that was missing from this memoir that is amongst even the most brutal of situations with the living was humor. I found little to no moments or brevity and hope and lightness until literally the last few pages. It was sweet to finally encounter.
On the last page, the authors grandson speaking to her about his aunt:
"Nana, I like Aunt Amanda."
"I like her, too"
DAYUUUUUM! This line almost broke me. The author is able to say and give to her own daughter something she was denied by her own mother and grandmother: acceptance.
To be liked for exactly who she is.
What more does a child need then to be loved and accepted by their mothers.
August 30, 2013
I was deeply touched by Linda Joy Myers account of her struggles to grow up with a mother and grandmother who were both loathsome role models. She suffered persistent abuse at the hands of these women, but I don't feel this abuse is what the book is about. Instead, it's about forging new paths and letting go of your past. It's about the comfort and pull of geography and the nostalgia that results, often causing you to misinterpret your personal history. It's about whether or not to share your own truth at the risk of offending family, even the pedophiles. After reading this book, especially her afterwords, I felt empowered to tell my own story fearlessly. If we, as writers, allow certain topics to be off limits, we can never fully heal or desensitize those pivotal events.
It has been my experience that all children, regardless of how their mothers treat them, yearn for a connection with that one person who gave birth to them. This visceral need creates expectations and conflict along with the quest for love and acceptance. The balance is forever shifting, often ungracefully. For Linda Joy Myers, abandonment was also thrown into the mix. Her mother left her four year old at the train station and didn't look back. She created a city life for herself that did not include her daughter, except for occasional reappearances which gave Linda false hope. Add to the mix a mentally ill (undiagnosed) grandmother who had no compassion for her abandoned granddaughter, and you have the ingredients for a really sad, pathetic story. It never was that kind of story. I always had hope that her music, intelligence, friendships, creativity and love of nature would allow her to survive and thrive.
The author's lyrical writing was at its finest when she was describing the prairie landscape: "As I sit under the blue Iowa sky, patches of white clouds scud by, making shadows on a nearby cornfield. A meadowlark sings as the wind whooshes through the cemetery, stirring the leaves of a sycamore tree." Also notable, was the description of her visit to her mother when she was dying. I could feel the connection and see the images.
A couple personal take aways:
"I thought of all the years we'd shared, and lost, sensing in the depths of my soul that the mother-daughter connection can never really be broken. This primal bond guides and shapes a woman's entire life. When it all goes adrift, when the connection is severed, a lifetime of grief and brokenness must be healed before the next generation can be free." Trying so hard to break that cycle of brokenness.
..."there is no statute of limitations on trauma. It lasts as long as it lasts." Indeed.
It has been my experience that all children, regardless of how their mothers treat them, yearn for a connection with that one person who gave birth to them. This visceral need creates expectations and conflict along with the quest for love and acceptance. The balance is forever shifting, often ungracefully. For Linda Joy Myers, abandonment was also thrown into the mix. Her mother left her four year old at the train station and didn't look back. She created a city life for herself that did not include her daughter, except for occasional reappearances which gave Linda false hope. Add to the mix a mentally ill (undiagnosed) grandmother who had no compassion for her abandoned granddaughter, and you have the ingredients for a really sad, pathetic story. It never was that kind of story. I always had hope that her music, intelligence, friendships, creativity and love of nature would allow her to survive and thrive.
The author's lyrical writing was at its finest when she was describing the prairie landscape: "As I sit under the blue Iowa sky, patches of white clouds scud by, making shadows on a nearby cornfield. A meadowlark sings as the wind whooshes through the cemetery, stirring the leaves of a sycamore tree." Also notable, was the description of her visit to her mother when she was dying. I could feel the connection and see the images.
A couple personal take aways:
"I thought of all the years we'd shared, and lost, sensing in the depths of my soul that the mother-daughter connection can never really be broken. This primal bond guides and shapes a woman's entire life. When it all goes adrift, when the connection is severed, a lifetime of grief and brokenness must be healed before the next generation can be free." Trying so hard to break that cycle of brokenness.
..."there is no statute of limitations on trauma. It lasts as long as it lasts." Indeed.
December 2, 2010
I joined the National Association of Memoir Writers, which was started by Linda Joy Myers, the author of Don't Call Me Mother. Along with my membership came a copy of the book. Since I have just written and published a memoir, I read Myers account with utter fascination. Her book is about breaking the chain of mother-daughter abandonment. The first chapter had me in tears. What an ordeal Myers went through as a very young child. Her insight into her mother and grandmother's psychology is very honest and revealing and ultimately explained. They might not be the most sympathetic of characters, but I definitely could muster up some empathy for them. By the time I finished the book, I realized that had I not been adopted, my life could have been very similar. A good read for anyone who has had a tumultuous childhood and wants to know they were not alone. A book of courage and determination. And, Myers is a good writer too!
May 21, 2013
The parent-child relationship is fraught with many complexities and probably no more so than the mother-daughter relationship. What is it about women who fail at being good mothers to their daughters? Are they repeating the same patterns of their own mothers? Are they suffering from a lack of role models? Have they been silenced as women? Are they victims of an "old system" where women resorted to wiles and sexuality in order to escape the deadening lives of their mothers and their mothers' mothers?
In this memoir, the reader is taken on a journey of enormous psychological complexity that offers up possible answers. We are caught in the grip - and the horror - of a mother's denial and abandonment of her child; in this case, the child is the author. We see the author's grandmother in a contentious, competitive and verbally abusive relationship with her daughter. These are women who chain smoke their way into silent rage, suddenly erupting in vicious outbursts and projecting onto their daughters and granddaughters their own shortcomings and pain. The lack of career coupled with a desperate desire to find validation and acceptance both from society and family drive the patterns of abandonment and lack of personal accountability; unconscionable actions that result in an innocent child's suffering.
Descriptions of Josephine, Linda Joy's mother, are ones many women will identify; the need to be the center of attention, using beauty and sexuality to gain the attention of a man, often to the derision of family . . . What makes the story particularly tragic is that Josephine views her daughter, Linda Joy, as a liability in attracting a man and being truthful about her real age. Later, much later, in this memoir the author reveals what we had long suspected - that Josephine is suffering from an undiagnosed psychological disorder. Meanwhile, the author is left to grapple with demons centering on issues of abandonment, yet never until the end of her mother's life giving up on trying, yet again and again to gain her mother's love and attention.
The book felt overwhelming in story line, taking in a great-grandmother, grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles - lyrical descriptions of the Iowa countryside . . . at times drifting away from what was most riveting - who are these women and what makes them tick, seeing them in action, up close and personal. It seemed the author had so much to say about so many things, while at the same time mining her own psyche . . . losing illusions, pedophilia, family secrets, that the book could have been broken into at least two separate memoirs. In fact, Myers describes "Don't Call Me Mother" as a "long and winding path."
In the final analysis, this reader's hat goes off to Linda Joy's faith in the power of memoir as a healing and empowering genre.
As the founder of a women's writing circle encouraging women to find their voice through memoir, I would urge memoir writers to place "Don't Call Me Mother," on their reading list . . . to join the author on her courageous attempt to make sense of what is often unfathomable . . . and finding therein at least some acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.
In this memoir, the reader is taken on a journey of enormous psychological complexity that offers up possible answers. We are caught in the grip - and the horror - of a mother's denial and abandonment of her child; in this case, the child is the author. We see the author's grandmother in a contentious, competitive and verbally abusive relationship with her daughter. These are women who chain smoke their way into silent rage, suddenly erupting in vicious outbursts and projecting onto their daughters and granddaughters their own shortcomings and pain. The lack of career coupled with a desperate desire to find validation and acceptance both from society and family drive the patterns of abandonment and lack of personal accountability; unconscionable actions that result in an innocent child's suffering.
Descriptions of Josephine, Linda Joy's mother, are ones many women will identify; the need to be the center of attention, using beauty and sexuality to gain the attention of a man, often to the derision of family . . . What makes the story particularly tragic is that Josephine views her daughter, Linda Joy, as a liability in attracting a man and being truthful about her real age. Later, much later, in this memoir the author reveals what we had long suspected - that Josephine is suffering from an undiagnosed psychological disorder. Meanwhile, the author is left to grapple with demons centering on issues of abandonment, yet never until the end of her mother's life giving up on trying, yet again and again to gain her mother's love and attention.
The book felt overwhelming in story line, taking in a great-grandmother, grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles - lyrical descriptions of the Iowa countryside . . . at times drifting away from what was most riveting - who are these women and what makes them tick, seeing them in action, up close and personal. It seemed the author had so much to say about so many things, while at the same time mining her own psyche . . . losing illusions, pedophilia, family secrets, that the book could have been broken into at least two separate memoirs. In fact, Myers describes "Don't Call Me Mother" as a "long and winding path."
In the final analysis, this reader's hat goes off to Linda Joy's faith in the power of memoir as a healing and empowering genre.
As the founder of a women's writing circle encouraging women to find their voice through memoir, I would urge memoir writers to place "Don't Call Me Mother," on their reading list . . . to join the author on her courageous attempt to make sense of what is often unfathomable . . . and finding therein at least some acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.
April 16, 2013
Linda Joy Myers' book Don't Call me Mother: A Daughter's Journey from Abandonment to Forgiveness is a wise, large-hearted, and compelling memoir in which the author, a therapist, traces her journey from the pain and loneliness of being a daughter continually abandoned by her mother through a process of surviving, healing, and ultimately to finding forgiveness, compassion, and love.
As the author wisely observes, the way we are mothered has a lasting effect, and death does not end one's relationship with one's parent. We cannot change the past, Myers observes, but we can change our relation to it. And that is precisely what Myers accomplishes as she finds comfort and healing where ever she can--from a loving music teacher and the pleasure of music, in the beauty of the Midwestern plains, having children, undergoing therapy, and ultimately, in writing the memoir itself.
Myers' mother had been abandoned by her mother, and Myers' struggle to break this chain of abandonment with her own daughter is especially poignant. Like many who have been insufficiently mothered, she must teach herself how to play with her children and how to stop keeping a part of herself back, learning how to open her heart "all the way." The memoir ends in a moment of tenderness and understanding with her daughter.. "There is a falling-in-love feeling; . . . I feel mothered and loved by my daughter. At the same time, I'm proud of being her mother." The memoir also ends in an affirmation of forgiveness and love for her mother and grandmother:"I wrote this book to honor the people I have loved, to give them life again, to honor them in memory. I offer it as a legacy and a lesson, and let it go."
What makes the memoir so compelling-- I could not put it down-- is both the story and the vividness with which it is told. Myers conveys in haunting imagery how it felt to long for her mother, to feel rejected by her, and to find strength in everyday experiences. The loneliness of a train whistle at night conveys her repeated experience of being left or of simply being with a mother who, "as she is with me," is gone. Myers' longing for her glamorous mother is powerfully suggested in the lingering scent of her mother's musky perfume, in the swish of her silky dresses, and the tap of her high heels.
When her mother refuses to acknowledge Myers as her daughter and when Myers' grandmother emotionally and physically abuses her, she compares herself to lint, a torn piece of paper, cast off rags. But she also conveys the saving pleasures she finds in the "amber dream" of wheat fields, "the aroma of ripe grain," the faint smell of rain, a strawberry from her great grandmother's garden sweetly bursting in her mouth, and the soft cheek of her grandson. Don't Call Me Mother is a narrative about healing and redemption that compels you to stay with the author as she travels, not just for the story which is moving, powerful, and full of insight, but for the pleasures of the writing itself.
As the author wisely observes, the way we are mothered has a lasting effect, and death does not end one's relationship with one's parent. We cannot change the past, Myers observes, but we can change our relation to it. And that is precisely what Myers accomplishes as she finds comfort and healing where ever she can--from a loving music teacher and the pleasure of music, in the beauty of the Midwestern plains, having children, undergoing therapy, and ultimately, in writing the memoir itself.
Myers' mother had been abandoned by her mother, and Myers' struggle to break this chain of abandonment with her own daughter is especially poignant. Like many who have been insufficiently mothered, she must teach herself how to play with her children and how to stop keeping a part of herself back, learning how to open her heart "all the way." The memoir ends in a moment of tenderness and understanding with her daughter.. "There is a falling-in-love feeling; . . . I feel mothered and loved by my daughter. At the same time, I'm proud of being her mother." The memoir also ends in an affirmation of forgiveness and love for her mother and grandmother:"I wrote this book to honor the people I have loved, to give them life again, to honor them in memory. I offer it as a legacy and a lesson, and let it go."
What makes the memoir so compelling-- I could not put it down-- is both the story and the vividness with which it is told. Myers conveys in haunting imagery how it felt to long for her mother, to feel rejected by her, and to find strength in everyday experiences. The loneliness of a train whistle at night conveys her repeated experience of being left or of simply being with a mother who, "as she is with me," is gone. Myers' longing for her glamorous mother is powerfully suggested in the lingering scent of her mother's musky perfume, in the swish of her silky dresses, and the tap of her high heels.
When her mother refuses to acknowledge Myers as her daughter and when Myers' grandmother emotionally and physically abuses her, she compares herself to lint, a torn piece of paper, cast off rags. But she also conveys the saving pleasures she finds in the "amber dream" of wheat fields, "the aroma of ripe grain," the faint smell of rain, a strawberry from her great grandmother's garden sweetly bursting in her mouth, and the soft cheek of her grandson. Don't Call Me Mother is a narrative about healing and redemption that compels you to stay with the author as she travels, not just for the story which is moving, powerful, and full of insight, but for the pleasures of the writing itself.
July 9, 2012
I read this book because I am a relative by marriage to the author. I was curious whether I would gain a better understanding of the Myers family by reading it. I was at times uncomfortable reading about the stories of her father and really surprised at some of things that she recalled of him. I knew he had moved out of her life - he actually was married several times - but I did not know until I read the book about her mother's treatment of her. My husband was not particularly close to his family and by the time he came into my life we did not live in the same state as any of them did. I have heard some sad stories about the way my husband was treated by his own father so this book makes me wonder if it passes through generations via a gene or environment; however, my brother-in-law who was treated as the favored-son by his father thinks that Linda Joy was telling the truth as she remembers it but that the events involving Linda's father have been mbellished in her memory. The book is surely not easy to read - especially for a mother but maybe every mother needs to read it as a "how not to".
November 20, 2013
One of the best memoirs I've ever read, and anyone who enjoys the genre should read this book by Linda Joy Myers. I'm not sure how I lucked out getting it free on Kindle, I'd most definitely have paid for a print copy if I'd run across it. In fact I'm keeping it categorized on my Kindle under "writing books" because it's such a perfect example of how a memoir should read. I also enjoyed that the author included a section at the end on why she chose to include certain elements and leave others out, as well as giving us the "adult viewpoint" of what had been idealized extended family in her childhood.
March 8, 2017
I'm still processing everything good in this!
I'm still processing everything good in this book! I love that the author explains so much at the end, I love how brave she is. I have written most of my memoirs and this book was perfect timing for me to stumble upon. It is so very different to my own story but I realized that there is a kindred spirit between motherless children, a language we get. I love her ending and I am so happy for Linda Joy. Again, it cannot be more different to mine but that is life in the real world right?
As I said, I'm still processing... in a good way. :)
I'm still processing everything good in this book! I love that the author explains so much at the end, I love how brave she is. I have written most of my memoirs and this book was perfect timing for me to stumble upon. It is so very different to my own story but I realized that there is a kindred spirit between motherless children, a language we get. I love her ending and I am so happy for Linda Joy. Again, it cannot be more different to mine but that is life in the real world right?
As I said, I'm still processing... in a good way. :)
January 10, 2023
Linda tells a harrowing story of growing up, being raised by her grandmother because her mother was self centered and not capable of raising a child. Her father divorced her mother and remarried but never tried to take Linda to live with him either.
This is a tragic story of mother's and daughters and trying to find the why of it. I'm glad she was able to forgive but what a journey.
This is a tragic story of mother's and daughters and trying to find the why of it. I'm glad she was able to forgive but what a journey.
October 11, 2012
When I joined the National Association of Memoir Writers (NAMW), I received Don’t Call Me Mother: Breaking the Chain of Mother-Daughter Abandonment in the mail as part of my “Welcome” package. Understandable, considering the founder and president of NAMW is Linda Joy Myers, who is also the author the book. I suppose a little self-promotion never hurt anyone. But I also thought it was a bit narcissistic to use your own book as the one that “defines” memoir writing and the “image” of NAMW. Call me a skeptic. I’m used to it.
Yet, after reading the book, the cockiness was well deserved! At the age of four, Myers was abandoned by her mother who was seduced by the shimmering lights and wild life of Chicago. Myers and her grandmother (her mom’s mom) stand on the station platform to watch the train take her mother away. The train becomes an integral part of the story as it represents those important in Myers life always getting on the train to be taken away from her. For the rest of Myers life, her mother will always be an occasional and troubled visitor.
Myers tells the tale of three generations of daughters who long for their absent mothers, yet unwittingly recreate a pattern that she was determined to break.
Growing up without my mother, yet getting sweet letters in lovely penmanship from her set a pattern for longing and dreams. My next visit with her would be perfect, she would wind her arms around me and tell me how much she wanted to be with me, but that was never how it turned out. Living with her mother, Gram, who had also abandoned her, I was unconsciously absorbing what might be called “mothering angst.” As psychologists say, whatever is not worked out will be played out in succeeding generations. Today, I honor the love they tried to have, and honor too the new story that’s being written in my family with my daughter and me. – Linda Joy Myers
Her father is a prince charming that only visits when convenient, which to say is hardly at all. Myers sees him as her knight in shining armor, placed on a pedestal and can do no wrong, until he tarnishes her image as she gets older. Amazingly, as all resilient kids seem to do, she still loves her father (and her mother) despite his wrongdoings and conjures up excuses for his behavior. As a matter of fact, Myers makes up excuses for everyone’s behavior, believing she is to blame for their abusive ways and mistreatment of her. It’s not only until Myers is an adult and writes this memoir, that she comes to a true and healing understanding of her tumultuous childhood.
It is a poetic and lyrical telling of her life story that is written as a series of vignettes that reveal a multi-generational pattern of abandonment and eventual healing. Myers, a marriage and family therapist, writes in the voice of the first person speaking in the present tense. From the author’s perspective, Myers says the choice “forced me to integrate the self that I was with the witness I have become.”
Myers’s autobiographical work began with paintings and collages of old family photos, trying to discover and uncover the history of her family, the separation from her mother and father early in her life and the sense of loss. After that, she wrote autobiographical poems, capturing moments of meaning in childhood with her great-grandmother Blanche on a farm in Iowa, moments of her mother coming and going on the train, and the way that music, piano and cello and symphony, created connection and healing. Through working with those media, she realized that she needed to write what was beyond the images of photos and paintings and in between the lines of the poetry.
A prose work would demand that she confront the full story of her mother’s abandonment and her mother’s own history of being abandoned. Myers’s memoir took nearly a decade to write, because during that decade she was researching the family history and living through some of the legacies of the past.
Powerful, insightful without being indulgent, emotional without being manipulative, and richly layered. Its depiction of Ms Myers’ incarnations as a child struggling to withstand the tempestuous damage of mental illness; a young woman seeking the truth buried amidst family secrets; and of a strong-willed mother and grandmother fighting to reshape the future out of the past, this is a book that touches all of us, whether or not we have suffered the same.
Read more of my reviews at my website: Kat's Book Reviews (http://www.katsbookreviews.com)
Yet, after reading the book, the cockiness was well deserved! At the age of four, Myers was abandoned by her mother who was seduced by the shimmering lights and wild life of Chicago. Myers and her grandmother (her mom’s mom) stand on the station platform to watch the train take her mother away. The train becomes an integral part of the story as it represents those important in Myers life always getting on the train to be taken away from her. For the rest of Myers life, her mother will always be an occasional and troubled visitor.
Myers tells the tale of three generations of daughters who long for their absent mothers, yet unwittingly recreate a pattern that she was determined to break.
Growing up without my mother, yet getting sweet letters in lovely penmanship from her set a pattern for longing and dreams. My next visit with her would be perfect, she would wind her arms around me and tell me how much she wanted to be with me, but that was never how it turned out. Living with her mother, Gram, who had also abandoned her, I was unconsciously absorbing what might be called “mothering angst.” As psychologists say, whatever is not worked out will be played out in succeeding generations. Today, I honor the love they tried to have, and honor too the new story that’s being written in my family with my daughter and me. – Linda Joy Myers
Her father is a prince charming that only visits when convenient, which to say is hardly at all. Myers sees him as her knight in shining armor, placed on a pedestal and can do no wrong, until he tarnishes her image as she gets older. Amazingly, as all resilient kids seem to do, she still loves her father (and her mother) despite his wrongdoings and conjures up excuses for his behavior. As a matter of fact, Myers makes up excuses for everyone’s behavior, believing she is to blame for their abusive ways and mistreatment of her. It’s not only until Myers is an adult and writes this memoir, that she comes to a true and healing understanding of her tumultuous childhood.
It is a poetic and lyrical telling of her life story that is written as a series of vignettes that reveal a multi-generational pattern of abandonment and eventual healing. Myers, a marriage and family therapist, writes in the voice of the first person speaking in the present tense. From the author’s perspective, Myers says the choice “forced me to integrate the self that I was with the witness I have become.”
Myers’s autobiographical work began with paintings and collages of old family photos, trying to discover and uncover the history of her family, the separation from her mother and father early in her life and the sense of loss. After that, she wrote autobiographical poems, capturing moments of meaning in childhood with her great-grandmother Blanche on a farm in Iowa, moments of her mother coming and going on the train, and the way that music, piano and cello and symphony, created connection and healing. Through working with those media, she realized that she needed to write what was beyond the images of photos and paintings and in between the lines of the poetry.
A prose work would demand that she confront the full story of her mother’s abandonment and her mother’s own history of being abandoned. Myers’s memoir took nearly a decade to write, because during that decade she was researching the family history and living through some of the legacies of the past.
Powerful, insightful without being indulgent, emotional without being manipulative, and richly layered. Its depiction of Ms Myers’ incarnations as a child struggling to withstand the tempestuous damage of mental illness; a young woman seeking the truth buried amidst family secrets; and of a strong-willed mother and grandmother fighting to reshape the future out of the past, this is a book that touches all of us, whether or not we have suffered the same.
Read more of my reviews at my website: Kat's Book Reviews (http://www.katsbookreviews.com)
March 31, 2013
Linda Joy Myers’ memoir is even more poignant on the second read. I first read it several years ago, and curiosity spurred me to take another look when the new version came out with additional chapters.
I was moved by her plight the first time I read the book, and found it even more touching upon review. While I did grow up in an intact family with both parents present, her story has made me more keenly aware of the distress today’s children must feel as fragmented families become the norm. Once again I was thrilled by her arduously sought transformation from a belief system essentially based on a concept that the entire earth was covered with eggshells to a self-confident one that enables her to understand and express her needs and opinions while extending compassionate understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.
Her courage in closing the story with the new chapters is impressive. Even though she withheld certain details from the public to protect the privacy of her extended family, her disclosures to one cousin made the rounds and now we know the rest of the story. Her reasons for adding this material are must reading for anyone contemplating publishing a memoir that includes sensitive material.
I fully appreciate the story in its own right, but Myers’ skillful writing turned what could have been a simple, dry account into a Technicolor story. I admire her skill in interweaving accounts of personal experiences with sleuthing for roots and connection with earlier generations of her mother’s family. I am delighted by her masterful ability to capture the essence of each scene in vivid imagery including a variety of senses. She is unusually adept at expressing her emotional sense of situations in such compelling detail that I felt the full range emotion from joy to despair right along with her. Including her understanding of what was not being said, what she heard “between the lines,” added extra zest and richness.
Few families today are untouched by death or divorce affecting children. While this book has no specific guidelines for compassionately handling such situations, it can alert you to some of the issues, possibly enabling you to find ways of supporting these children more effectively. I believe you’ll find Myers’ courage and honesty refreshing and be as captivated as I was by her enchanting way with words.
I was moved by her plight the first time I read the book, and found it even more touching upon review. While I did grow up in an intact family with both parents present, her story has made me more keenly aware of the distress today’s children must feel as fragmented families become the norm. Once again I was thrilled by her arduously sought transformation from a belief system essentially based on a concept that the entire earth was covered with eggshells to a self-confident one that enables her to understand and express her needs and opinions while extending compassionate understanding, acceptance and forgiveness.
Her courage in closing the story with the new chapters is impressive. Even though she withheld certain details from the public to protect the privacy of her extended family, her disclosures to one cousin made the rounds and now we know the rest of the story. Her reasons for adding this material are must reading for anyone contemplating publishing a memoir that includes sensitive material.
I fully appreciate the story in its own right, but Myers’ skillful writing turned what could have been a simple, dry account into a Technicolor story. I admire her skill in interweaving accounts of personal experiences with sleuthing for roots and connection with earlier generations of her mother’s family. I am delighted by her masterful ability to capture the essence of each scene in vivid imagery including a variety of senses. She is unusually adept at expressing her emotional sense of situations in such compelling detail that I felt the full range emotion from joy to despair right along with her. Including her understanding of what was not being said, what she heard “between the lines,” added extra zest and richness.
Few families today are untouched by death or divorce affecting children. While this book has no specific guidelines for compassionately handling such situations, it can alert you to some of the issues, possibly enabling you to find ways of supporting these children more effectively. I believe you’ll find Myers’ courage and honesty refreshing and be as captivated as I was by her enchanting way with words.
March 19, 2013
SOME WOMEN ARE LUCKY. They talk to their mother every day. They go shopping or on trips with their mother. They make special meals. Share garden plants, books, recipes, jokes. Some mothers and daughters have a very special bond--a combination of family and friendship, blood and water if you will.
I'm not one of those women. I don't have a bond with my mother. For reasons I've never understood, the bond just isn't there and never has been. Fortunately I have a close relationship with my sister. She and I have spent a lot of time commiserating and exploring the reasons why our mother was never a mother and the emotional scars we deal with because of this.
Linda Joy Myers is another of the unlucky women. She grew up with a mother who was unavailable emotionally and physically. Her memoir Don't Call Me Mother chronicles her life from earliest recollections onward. Train stations, waiting... Hoping that the sight of her mother would erase the accumulation of doubts, longings and hurts.
A mysterious liaison exists between Linda's mother and grandmother. When Linda's mother is unable or unwilling to care for little Linda, grandmother takes over but the job is fraught with her own inner turmoils. The result is that Linda spends her childhood being abused in ways that no child should ever have to endure.
Today, Linda is a vibrant woman with a gift for writing and encouraging others. And more importantly she has broken the chain of mother-daughter abandonment that spans several previous generations. She is a fully-engaged mother of her two grown children. I applaud Linda for sharing her story. How she was able to turn her turmoil into triumph is inspiring.
I'm not one of those women. I don't have a bond with my mother. For reasons I've never understood, the bond just isn't there and never has been. Fortunately I have a close relationship with my sister. She and I have spent a lot of time commiserating and exploring the reasons why our mother was never a mother and the emotional scars we deal with because of this.
Linda Joy Myers is another of the unlucky women. She grew up with a mother who was unavailable emotionally and physically. Her memoir Don't Call Me Mother chronicles her life from earliest recollections onward. Train stations, waiting... Hoping that the sight of her mother would erase the accumulation of doubts, longings and hurts.
A mysterious liaison exists between Linda's mother and grandmother. When Linda's mother is unable or unwilling to care for little Linda, grandmother takes over but the job is fraught with her own inner turmoils. The result is that Linda spends her childhood being abused in ways that no child should ever have to endure.
Today, Linda is a vibrant woman with a gift for writing and encouraging others. And more importantly she has broken the chain of mother-daughter abandonment that spans several previous generations. She is a fully-engaged mother of her two grown children. I applaud Linda for sharing her story. How she was able to turn her turmoil into triumph is inspiring.
September 15, 2018
I met this author at the Mendocino Coast Writer's Conference, August 2018. I liked her reading from a later book, and bought it as well as this one. The book is strongly felt and carefully written in short vignettes about a long life. As I am contemplating writing about my relationship with my own mother, it was informative and rewarding and eye-opening -- how to write about the most ubiquitous relationship without boring the reader to death. There is almost no psychoanalytic examination and very little judgement or even philosophizing -- the facts of the lives are presented. When the author learns later about events that she couldn't comprehend as a child she avoids the "ahah" or "gotcha" type of justifications and explanations. Some might call this is a simple book, without complexity or analysis -- but I think it works as exactly what it is -- a memoir in which the author doesn't presume to also be a psychiatrist or historian or sociologist. I liked it very much and my copy is full of markings about the relevant points in my own life. A good book inspires a writer (like to me) to write, and this one has.
December 29, 2011
This is a phenominal book about the connections between mother's and daughter's. I was taken in from the beginning and found myself transforming with the author. There are so many patterns that can be repeated from generation to generation but we can break free of those chains and become better people. Linda Joy has done this and brought healing to not only herself but to all those that read this memoir. I'm going to have to read it again and will read it again because there is so much I feel in this story. I've found there are generational issues for all of us that are similar. If you are seeking healing and want to grow, doin't we all?, then please read this story. One of the most powerful I've read.
January 3, 2014
A very moving memoir about a young girl and her life long attempt to bond with her mother. Her mother was not capable of the intimacy or responsbility of raising her daughter. Linda was left with her grandmother at the age of four subject to her grandmother's mood swings and erratic behavior. The grandmother also left her daughter with family at the age of four and the cycle of abuse and neglect continues. Linda, however, through much inner work managed to break that cycle with her own children and grandchildren. This memoir spans over many years and I couldn't wait to pick the book up to read any chance I had until the last page.
November 19, 2013
Whew, I just finished reading Linda Joy’s Memoir. She definitely had a long row to hoe as my grandmother might have said: being abandoned by her mother who had been abandoned by her mother who had been abandoned by her mother; groomed by her unrelenting grandmother to become the talented, upper class educated woman that Gram had so aspired to be herself; The mental illness of the mother, grandmother and great grandmother; the train station scenes where she continued to lose people important to her; and finding healing through therapy and finally breaking the chain of poor mothering to create a loving relationship with her daughter and grandchildren
June 1, 2017
Good book interesting well written
December 14, 2017
Beautifully written, poetic, honest, vulnerable story. I loved it. I learned so much about writing my own memoir through reading this. What a great book. Highly recommend!
April 1, 2023
See Grace's review. Written in 2005, so may not be the latest copy of this book.
My Mother was one of the Depression mothers; we never worked in the garden, went shopping, etc.,just went to church, at a very repressive religion. HOWEVER, I did have some people who were kind to me, throughout high school. Although I married immediately when I graduated, it's taken me many years to reconcile my mother's behavior toward me. Kudos to Ms. Joy, if indeed she has overcome her horrible childhood(?) traumas!
This is a book that makes me feel somewhat privileged to have survived! I have become a productive member of society at least partially, and with much therapy years ago. Do we ever overcome our early childhood? Someone said, 'We spend the first ten years of our life learning how to live, and the next 50 years undoing nearly all we learned.' Some of us are more successful at it!
Ms. Joy carefully details her early dreadful experiences throughout this book and offers occasional insight from relatives about the characters who inhabit her small world. As she goes back thru her life and interviews various peoples, she sees that she was not alone in thinking, however obscure her thoughts, that the people in her family had undiagnosed illnesses. I am not sure she gives enough credit to the professionals who helped her understand that, together with other insights, but that is my opinion. Kudos to her for helping others to come out the other end!
My Mother was one of the Depression mothers; we never worked in the garden, went shopping, etc.,just went to church, at a very repressive religion. HOWEVER, I did have some people who were kind to me, throughout high school. Although I married immediately when I graduated, it's taken me many years to reconcile my mother's behavior toward me. Kudos to Ms. Joy, if indeed she has overcome her horrible childhood(?) traumas!
This is a book that makes me feel somewhat privileged to have survived! I have become a productive member of society at least partially, and with much therapy years ago. Do we ever overcome our early childhood? Someone said, 'We spend the first ten years of our life learning how to live, and the next 50 years undoing nearly all we learned.' Some of us are more successful at it!
Ms. Joy carefully details her early dreadful experiences throughout this book and offers occasional insight from relatives about the characters who inhabit her small world. As she goes back thru her life and interviews various peoples, she sees that she was not alone in thinking, however obscure her thoughts, that the people in her family had undiagnosed illnesses. I am not sure she gives enough credit to the professionals who helped her understand that, together with other insights, but that is my opinion. Kudos to her for helping others to come out the other end!
October 15, 2020
I love the way this memoir is written as 'Then' and 'Now.' Linda Joy Myers unveils her story without judgement or blame and still manage to convey her yearning and broken love story for her mother so beautifully. There is a great plot twist at the end, so even though some of the chapters were a bit confusing to me (I had so many questions throughout) the reward of finishing the book felt like a gift. I would love to sit down and have a long chat with Linda Joy Myers about her writing journey.
Thank you, so much, for sharing your fascinating storey.
Thank you, so much, for sharing your fascinating storey.
July 7, 2021
A quick read with gaps that left you wondering. However, Linda did expose what it is like living with a mother who has mental health issues. How she learned to guard against, sense the thunder, and duck when the storm came was a survival tactic. Living on the edge was life long, affecting her relationships until she could understand that the love she felt from extended family replaced the sharp edge of the egg shells she was walking on. She sheds light on the need for kind souls to peer into eyes that do not shine. Thank you Linda for this wisdom.
March 30, 2022
It’s a compelling read - there were parts that revealed quite vividly the author’s anguish, loneliness, helplessness as well as despair in her discoveries on a pretty long life journey, and to those parts, I feel a sublime sadness and of the senselessness of an adult’s world on the human beings who are trying to grow up healthily around them. I recommend this book to another who is ready to revisit histories of childhood past and their personal relationships with significant others.
March 17, 2023
What an amazing story, and so beautifully written. Linda Joy takes you right to the heart of where she is in this seemingly never ending journey, to the point you can feel her emotional turmoil and confusion. How she managed to survive and shape a successful relationship with her own daughter and grandchildren is testament to the inner strength and resilience of Linda Joy. I learned so much from this book about the power of memoir.
July 5, 2025
Myers' memoir gives her reader a beautiful style of writing to study as one reads this universal story of a young mother, the third of three generations of mothers, who abandon their daughters in early childhood. Myers' slow uncovering of her own truth and that of her two grandmothers before her is riveting. If you are a writer or reader, this memoir will fascinate you from start to finish as Myers grows into a young mother herself.
July 7, 2023
So beautifully written!
I was taken in to the pages Linda Joy so eloquently wrote. I felt the pain and grief with her as I read through her words describing her mother and grandmother. I highly recommend this book.
I was taken in to the pages Linda Joy so eloquently wrote. I felt the pain and grief with her as I read through her words describing her mother and grandmother. I highly recommend this book.
July 30, 2023
Repeat
I loved this book when I first read it so much that I decided to read it again. I was not disappointed. Myers ' descriptions and emotional rawness brought me back into the story with renewed energy. I'll probably read it a third time.
I loved this book when I first read it so much that I decided to read it again. I was not disappointed. Myers ' descriptions and emotional rawness brought me back into the story with renewed energy. I'll probably read it a third time.
August 29, 2018
Ok but too long
Too long and too whiny. Not much of a story. Same old mother daughter problems and someone having a difficult time moving on.
Too long and too whiny. Not much of a story. Same old mother daughter problems and someone having a difficult time moving on.
September 30, 2021
A very sad story about a little girl surviving all sorts of abuse from multiple people, but mostly from the people who were supposed to mother her.
June 17, 2013
*Disclosure* I won a free copy of this book from a Goodreads giveaway.
I really enjoyed this memoir. It is beautifully written, like a theatrical play. It is a gripping story full of tragedy, sorrow, and slivers of hope, that Myers managed to courageously live through and overcome.
The story follows Myers life as she is raised by her Grandma and experiences different forms of abuse and abandonment from her family and caretakers. I must reiterate the lovely description and writing style Myers uses in this story. I felt my heart weeping as Myers describes the aches of missing her mother and father. This story was a roller coaster ride of emotions but I was drawn into reading every little detail and hoping for a better outcome for Myers.
Being a mother and a daughter I felt so connected to this story. I kept wondering how does a mother precariously float around her daughters life but never accepts her? My four year old read the title and started asking me questions about the cover. I simply explained it was about a girl who lives with her grandma when her mother becomes unable to take care of her. This really upset her, more than I would have thought and days later, she found my book, read the title, and begged me never to leave her. I was seeing the terror of abandonment first hand although my daughter only had this notion from the book, it was unnerving. As a mother it breaks my heart to think of another mother's failures that causes pain to the innocent children. This book will fill you with sorrow, rage, and grief over not just the treatment of Myers but her descriptions of just wanting a "normal" family.
I haven't read very many memoirs (a couple by author Augusten Burroughs), but if you're a fan of this form of story telling, you must read this story. If you're a parent, or a daughter this story will connect to you, regardless of your relationships with parents, grandparents, and children. I recommend this to anyone who wants a non-fiction book that reads more like a fiction story or anyone who enjoys reading about personal histories, books about mental illness/psychology, or about childhood/ child development, or enjoys stories overflowing with so many emotions.
I really enjoyed this memoir. It is beautifully written, like a theatrical play. It is a gripping story full of tragedy, sorrow, and slivers of hope, that Myers managed to courageously live through and overcome.
The story follows Myers life as she is raised by her Grandma and experiences different forms of abuse and abandonment from her family and caretakers. I must reiterate the lovely description and writing style Myers uses in this story. I felt my heart weeping as Myers describes the aches of missing her mother and father. This story was a roller coaster ride of emotions but I was drawn into reading every little detail and hoping for a better outcome for Myers.
Being a mother and a daughter I felt so connected to this story. I kept wondering how does a mother precariously float around her daughters life but never accepts her? My four year old read the title and started asking me questions about the cover. I simply explained it was about a girl who lives with her grandma when her mother becomes unable to take care of her. This really upset her, more than I would have thought and days later, she found my book, read the title, and begged me never to leave her. I was seeing the terror of abandonment first hand although my daughter only had this notion from the book, it was unnerving. As a mother it breaks my heart to think of another mother's failures that causes pain to the innocent children. This book will fill you with sorrow, rage, and grief over not just the treatment of Myers but her descriptions of just wanting a "normal" family.
I haven't read very many memoirs (a couple by author Augusten Burroughs), but if you're a fan of this form of story telling, you must read this story. If you're a parent, or a daughter this story will connect to you, regardless of your relationships with parents, grandparents, and children. I recommend this to anyone who wants a non-fiction book that reads more like a fiction story or anyone who enjoys reading about personal histories, books about mental illness/psychology, or about childhood/ child development, or enjoys stories overflowing with so many emotions.
May 6, 2014
Linda Joy Myers has done a tremendous service to women who have felt familial abandonment, whether as viscerally as she did growing up, but also those who have experienced emotional abandonment as well. The first few chapters quickly reel us in to the horror of a small, helpless child’s being shuffled between her seemingly uncaring mother and father, a grandmother who at first seems to be sane and loving, and a family friend who is revealed to be hardly a charitable soul. The child’s journey to adulthood is filled with the lonely sounds of train whistles signifying at once hope – and then, the wailing sound of being left yet again. To her credit, Myers tells her story without self-pity or even a sense of blame. She calls her book both “a healing memoir and a spiritual autobiography” – and she takes us through her experience as she begins to understand both a recurring family dynamic and the hidden world of mental illness. I felt that the book lagged a bit during the middle chapters and might have benefited with a bit more tightening up of the storyline. At the end we draw from the strength of an adult who untangles the mystery of her family history, and in doing so, experiences the healing power of forgiveness and love.
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