Blind to Betrayal

by Jennifer J. Freyd, Pamela Birrell

One of the world's top experts on betrayal looks at why we often can't see it right in front of our faces If the cover-up is worse than the crime, blindness to betrayal can be worse than the betrayal itself. Whether the betrayer is an unfaithful spouse, an abusive authority figure, an unfair boss, or a corrupt institution, we often refuse to see the truth order to protect ourselves. This book explores the fascinating phenomenon of how and why we ignore or deny betrayal, and what we can gain by transforming ""betrayal blindness"" into insight. In a remarkable collaboration of science and clinical perspectives, Jennifer Freyd, one of the world's top experts on betrayal and child abuse, teams up with Pamela Birrell, a psychotherapist and educator with 25 years of experience.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Mental Health, Philosophy

224 pages, Paperback

First published February 14, 2013

Reviews

[Mtkays · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm keep this short and sweet. It's a great book for anyone to read. It's written so that even readers that are not in the psychology field can understand it's message. I feel that it can bring to the surface many of our own behaviors as well as bring to awareness how we may treat people in ways that may continue to effect them.

If you interact with people you should read this book. If you think you are the most open minded person you know, you should read this book. If you think that you don't discriminate or have the ability to traumatize someone you should read this book. If you feel you have never been traumatized you should read this book.

Just read it :-)

[laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

i find that the public-facing work of research psychologists is usually pretty bad. this is true even when i really admire the underlying research project. it just usually feels like they've taken a cool insight and then lost most of what's deep and illuminating about it by trying to explain it in such a way as to get through to the dumbest person in any given HR department. or it's just a paper-length insight, stretched out to book length for the sake of selling books.

this is a rare exception. every chapter is deep and vital. the reader is never condescended to. some of what JF has to say will be familiar to anyone who just, like, went to women's college or whatever, but even such a reader will learn things she didn't know, and remember important things she has forgotten. and for the reader who hasn't thought much about the psychology of intimate abuse and assault, i think it could be truly revelatory.

where it's a cool read for anyone is in its treatment of that bonkers fact of human life: simultaneously knowing and not knowing the hard truth. freyd really gets into the weeds of the psychic and cognitive mechanisms at work here. and where it would be especially good for some people, i think, are the sections (in chapter five i want to say? maybe four or six) that talk about the psychology of third-party disbelief of victims, which is just essential reading in a post-#metoo world. and unlike EVERY OTHER BOOK i've read in this genre, the case histories are deep, detailed, and illuminating.

anyway, tl;dr: good book, terrible cover.

[Lore LongSoulSystem · Rating 5 out of 5]

Me lo devoré!
THIS is how you make a book proposing a model.
I've read this to make a video essay about Sybil (woman with DID), it lead me to read Sybil exposed, and it lead me to read more on False Memory Syndrome, which lead me to read anything about Jennifer Freyd.

And it kinda NOT surprise me Nathan (Sybil exposed author) didn't considered interviewing Jennifer Freyd.

But enough of that.

Betrayal blindness is what it sounds, you look away from betrayal to survive. It's documented and it's real, and it even happens in institutions and society as a whole.

I'll make a full review later. I just loved this book and I'll place it next to Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery.

[N · Rating 2 out of 5]

A bit too repetitive 2.5⭐️

[Laura Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the good fortune to read this book in manuscript form, and to have begun to integrate the authors' ideas into my work already. If you've ever been betrayed, if you've ever ignored yourself being betrayed, then reading this book will illuminate those experiences for you, and empower you to stop betraying yourself. The authors, one a research psychologist, the other an experienced clinician, both of them expert in the field of trauma, make their ideas accessible to the general reader while connecting you with a wealth of studies that help make sense of those times when we think to ourselves, "Why didn't I see that coming?" If you're a therapist, this should be on your "loan-to-clients" bookshelf.

[Lily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great resource for my clients, but DANG they need to fire their editor!!! Important concepts made trivial and redundant by a lack of flow.

[Dmitry · Rating 1 out of 5]

(The English review is placed beneath the Russian one)

Тот редкий случай, когда перечитывая книгу, я полностью пересмотрел к ней своё отношение. Когда я читал книгу впервые, мне очень понравились идеи автора о психологии предательства, о слепоте к нему и пр. Однако сейчас я явственно увидел неоднозначность такого подхода главным образом из-за того, что автор книги является самим объектом такого предательства, т.е. автор в данном случаи не учёный, а пациент. Автор не смотрит со стороны, ибо находится в эпицентре.

Книга была написана как реакция на семейный скандал, который вылился в общественную сферу что означает, что книга вполне могла быть использована в качестве дополнительной площадки для высказывания своего мнения. Дело в том, что автор этой книги – Дж. Фрейд – обвинила своих родителей в сексуальных преступлениях совершённых в отношении неё в её раннем детстве. Из этого появилась организация, которую возглавляла её мать - Фонд исследования синдрома ложных воспоминаний. Более того, предпоследняя глава состоит из текста, который был зачитан Дж. Фрейд на профессиональной конференции в городе Анн-Арбор, штат Мичиган, а также содержит текст письма второго автора – П. Биррелл – которое было адресовано членам консультативного совета данного фонда, многие из которого являются профессиональными психологами. Я внимательно прочёл оба текста, чтобы понять, какими аргументами располагают оба автора этой книги и оказалось, что «слово против слова». Это всё что имеется у автором данной книги в качестве аргументов. Другими словами, обвинения Дж. Фрейд базируются сугубо на её внезапно (спустя более тридцати лет, как я это понял) открывшихся воспоминаниях о якобы имевших место актах сексуального насилия в детстве. Проблема в том, что я считаю, что ТАКИЕ события не могут «забыться», они не могут быть подавлены. Если нечто подобное происходит с человеком в детстве, то он на всю жизнь это запоминает и никакого вытеснения не может произойти в силу человеческой природы. Да, авторы, в первой половине книги, очень убедительно объясняют, как происходит, что человек перестаёт видеть очевидное предательство, совершаемое по отношению к нему. В качестве примера авторы приводят три истории, в которых женщины до последнего не решались принять реальность такой, какая она есть. К примеру, в одной истории женщина отказывалась видеть измены мужа, в другой – физическое насилие. Ну и, разумеется, стокгольмский синдром, в качестве объяснен6ия всех случаев, когда жертва была слепа к предательству. Проблема всех этих историй в том, что это вопрос трактовки, а не наличия факта доказательства того, что мы имеем дело с синдромом слепоты к предательству базируемого на стокгольмском синдроме. Т.е. в каждом случаи жертва отказывалась видеть творимое по отношению к ней несправедливость/насилие по той причине, что была зависима от насильника. Идея мне понравилась, но только до той поры, пока авторы не начали внедрять другую свою идею, а именно идею что случаи насилия, совершённые родителями или близкими родственниками над маленькими детьми, могут быть «забыты», подвергнуты вытеснению и опять проявиться во взрослом возрасте. И вот тут авторы пытаются скрестить яблоко с ананасом, но одно не обязательно доказывает другое. Да, стокгольмский синдром существует, но он вовсе не подтверждает существование такого явления как вытесненные воспоминания! Именно поэтому я и пересмотрел своё отношение к этой книге.

Но что насчёт нежелания авторами рассматривать вопрос, «А что если это было действительно ложное воспоминание?». А получается то, что нам предлагают поверить жертве на слово, и осудить родителей на 20 лет колонии строго режима за якобы совершённое сексуальное насилие, доказательств которого нет, за исключением воспоминания взрослого человека, которое открылось внезапно. Тут нужно понимать, что наша память (наш мозг) умеет конструировать события прошлого, которых с нами не происходило. Об этом написано во множестве книг по психологии, а также сказано во множестве документальных фильмах на тему мозга и памяти (воспоминаний). Поэтому верить всему, что говорит наш мозг/память, как говорят психологи, не стоит. Думаю именно поэтому то письмо, которое было написано вторым автором этой книги и которое было адресовано членам консультативного совета, не возымело эффекта. Как она сама признаётся, никто не вышел из совета и даже наоборот, «нас не приглашали выступать на конференции, мы получали угрожающие письма. Психологическое сообщество от нас отгородилось». Так может они отгородились от вас по тому, что ваша теория о вытесненных воспоминаниях - ошибочна? В общем, хорошее начало было у книги, но ужасное и очень не научное продолжение и просто кошмарный конец. Всё же когда ты занимаешься такими деликатными вопросами нужно быть вне их, т.е. быть ученым, наблюдающим со стороны. Здесь же, а��торы и ученые, и участники эксперимента.

It is a rare case when I have completely revised my attitude to the book. When I read the book for the first time, I liked the author's ideas about the psychology of betrayal, about blindness to it, and so on. However, now I can see the ambiguity of this approach, mainly because the author is the very object of such betrayal, i.e., the author, in this case, is not a scientist but a patient. The author does not look from the outside because she is in the epicenter.

The book was written as a reaction to a family scandal that had spilled over into the public sphere, which means the book could have been used as an additional platform for speaking out. The fact is the author of the book, Jennifer J. Freyd, accused her parents of sexual offenses committed against her in her early childhood. This led to the creation of an organization headed by her mother, the False Memory Syndrome Research Foundation. Moreover, the penultimate chapter consists of a text that was read by Jennifer J. Freyd at a professional conference in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and also contains the text of a letter from the second author, Pamela Birrell, which was addressed to the members of the advisory board of this foundation, many of whom are professional psychologists. I read both texts carefully to see what arguments both authors of this book have, and it turns out it is "word against word." It is all that the author of this book has as arguments. In other words, Jennifer J. Freyd's accusations are based purely on her suddenly (over thirty years later, as I understand it) discovered memories of alleged childhood sexual abuse. The problem is that I believe that SUCH events cannot be "forgotten" and cannot be suppressed. If something like this happens to a person in childhood, they remember it for the rest of their lives, and no displacement can happen due to human nature. Yes, the authors, in the first half of the book, very convincingly explain how it happens that a person stops seeing the obvious betrayal (being committed towards him). As an example, the authors cite three stories in which women were hesitant to accept reality as it was until the last minute. For example, in one story, a woman refused to see her husband cheating; in another story, she refused to see physical violence. And, of course, Stockholm syndrome is an explanation for all cases in which the victim was blind to betrayal. The problem with all of these stories is that it's a matter of interpretation rather than having the fact of proof that we're dealing with Stockholm syndrome-based blindness to betrayal. That is, in each case, the victim refused to see the injustice/violence done to her because she was dependent on the abuser. I liked the idea, but only until the authors started to introduce their other idea, namely the idea that cases of violence committed by parents or close relatives against young children can be "forgotten," displaced, and reappear in adulthood. And here's where the authors try to cross an apple with a pineapple, but one doesn't necessarily prove the other. Yes, Stockholm syndrome exists, but it does not prove the existence of such a phenomenon as displaced memories! That's why I revised my attitude towards this book.

But what about the authors' unwillingness to consider the question, "What if it was really a false memory?". And what happens is that we are offered to take the victim's word for it and convict the parents to 20 years in a high-security penal colony for alleged sexual abuse, for which there is no evidence, except for an adult memory that was suddenly revealed. It is necessary to understand that our memory (our brain) can construct events of the past that did not happen to us. A lot of psychology books have been written about this, and a lot of documentaries on the subject of the brain and memory (recollection) have said so. Therefore, it is not worth believing everything that our brain/memory says. I think this is why the letter that was written by the second author of this book, which was addressed to the members of the advisory board, had no effect. As she herself admits, no one left the advisory board, and even on the contrary, "we were not invited to speak at conferences, we received threatening letters. The psychological community shut us out". So maybe they shut you out because your theory about displaced memories is wrong? In general, the book had a good beginning but a terrible and very unscientific continuation and just a nightmare ending. Still, when you deal with such sensitive issues, you need to be outside of them, i.e., to be a scientist observing from the outside. Here, the authors are both scientists and participants in the experiment.

[Rachel Robins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whew! This is a heavy read but an important one to understand betrayal blindness which can take many forms from spousal betrayal to betrayal children experience to being betrayed in a racial setting, natural disasters, etc. Very broad, deep subject matter, but expanded my mind to understand this very real phenomenon. My empathy and understanding really grew. This is an important book but not for the faint of heart.

[Lindsay Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book....this book should be a required read for clinicians, students, survivors. It delves into the very core of why and how traumas affect each and every one of us and how we can heal. There is a great mixture of scientific research and stories from real people.

[Na'ama Yehuda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Important, eye-opening book, about the dynamics of power, betrayal, denial, and self-protection that go on in important relationships; how we learn to adapt to avoid pain; and how we can re-learn to trust our truth and identify betrayal for what it is. I highly recommend it.

[Joy LaPrade · Rating 5 out of 5]

A woman plans to surprise her husband at a restaurant as he returns home from a work trip. When he walks in, she watches as another woman runs up to him and kisses him. But then he tells his wife, "I don't know who that was" ... and she believes him. That is, until much later when she actually catches him in bed with yet another woman.
This is betrayal blindness, and it happens not just in romantic relationships but in work environments, families, and other institutions. I found the book so helpful for me as I've been trying to make sense of the betrayals I experienced in my former church. People are capable of incredible feats of mental gymnastics that allow them to "not see" or "not know" about abuse and betrayal that's happening right before their eyes. Jennifer Freyd explains why this happens from a psychological standpoint, and provides some almost unbelievable stories to demonstrate how.

[Brianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book to be extremely helpful for my healing, and I highly recommend it if you have ever had a dawning awareness of the abuse in your life (that feeling of "oh my god, I can't believe I didn't see it before"). I find this concept of "betrayal blindness" to be really helpful in understanding the fog of narcissistic abuse, the repression of childhood sexual abuse, and all the ways we minimize and deny the extent to which we are being harmed by those with whom we are in close relationship.

I have gripes about the way the book was written: organization, editing, and the judgmental way that one of the survivor stories was relayed (Samantha's story, in which the authors continually expressed surprise at the extent of Samantha's blindness to her betrayal). Also, the cover is so so bad. But if you can get past all that, the content is great.

[Soraya Bascoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Blind to Betrayal is an insightful read, both as a medical professional and human being. Dr. Freyd has allowed me to give a name to ideas I could previously not put into words, which has been helpful in my own understanding of prior traumatic experiences and healing of old wounds. This book is a must-read for anyone in the medical field, as we are responsible for helping patients heal as humans and not just ailing bodies. While understandable by anyone, even those outside of academia, Freyd discusses research in her field and contextualizes some of the problematic views we have adopted in our collective understanding of sexual/physical victimization and how that ultimately carries over to the way we treat patients suffering from mental illness. On a more global level, Blind to Betrayal also allows us to contextualize collective forms of trauma, such as those that have become part of popular discourse today (ie. police brutality, the R-Kelly scandal) and sheds light on how we may even begin to conceptualize ways of redressing some of these forms of institutional betrayal. This is a must-read, whether you stumble upon it for personal growth or intellectual curiosity. The only reason it did not receive five stars from me was because of the writing style and its repetitive nature toward the closure of the book.

[^Mak_Enon5 · Rating 2 out of 5]

I tried to read half of the book while sitting for 2 hours waiting for someone else. Stories of Julie, Nakamura, Kayla were interesting but like another reviewer here said it better, it's all he said she said. Interest to read further quickly diminished after reading multiple repetition of "betrayal", "blindess", "status quo" through verbose essay and real life stories. If there really is a solid argument and research about it, I'd rather find the journal articles than reading this book. Blind to betrayal because one is afraid of facing the truth, the burden and consequences of the fallout, and the shatter of one's belief. There, that is the summary of the entire book.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought provoking and insightful

I found this book to be extremely thought-provoking and helpful in realizing I have had multiple levels & types of betrayal blindness. Through the examples given, I was able to document areas in which I faced betrayal in which I was previously blind to and the disarming factors that led to that betrayal. Extremely well written & researched providing tactical tools to recognize, accept and then prevent this from occurring in future. .

[Witsqa Wilje · Rating 4 out of 5]

can't read this in my usual pace because there's too much information and I need to gather myself after each chapter and really think about what I read. Highly recommended if you have experienced betrayal trauma or if you just wanna learn about the topic further as it gives you really great insights that will lead to your understanding about this type of trauma. It will also validate your feelings and experience as it did mine.

[Johanne Beaulieu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Eye opener for me

This book was such a great revelation to me about this coping skill that I have used my entire 54 years of life. In it are examples of family systems that go to great lengths to cover up their abuse. I have and continue to experience this now. I am extremely grateful for being validated and it gives me courage to continue to walk towards my freedom.

[Craig · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting listen. It was recommended as an explanation as to why Anna Duggar can't seem to believe it is possible that her husband is guilty of recent criminal charges.

[Steve Mayer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Path-breaking study of personal and institutional betrayal; how to see it and how to heal it.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

A well-intentioned and useful book. If you have suffered a traumatic betrayal (and most of us have), this book can help you understand what it cost you and some steps that may help you heal.

[Jane Latta · Rating 4 out of 5]

triggering for me. Excellent last chapter on Facing Betrayal Blindness

[Sally Kenney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally had the courage to finish this book and boy did it repay the attention. Deceptively simple but packs a powerful punch. Learned so much about memory, trauma, betrayal.

[Victor Fabien · Rating 3 out of 5]

A really interesting book about a common psychological subject, but a bit repetitive in its descriptions of it.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

educational

[MindOverMatter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it!

[Kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting psychology

[YHC · Rating 3 out of 5]

背叛往往会促使新意识的产生：这个世界已与往日不同了。曾经信任过的人如今成了不安全的隐患。一旦意识到背叛，必不可少的一个反应就是对昔日之事的观念进行重新整顿——重写自身的往昔经历。因此，背叛深深地影响着个人对现实的认知观念。有一名女子曾经受到丈夫的背叛，她告诉我们：“背叛与人们想的大不一样，它会让整个人心神不安，生活失去重心。就像是，我现在是在哪里？我之前认定是千真万确的事情如今不堪一击。背叛如同蛇蝎，它张牙舞爪着，搅乱你的内心，让你质疑一切。”
....
孩子应对父母或看护人背叛的一种方式就是将责任归咎于自己。与无视背叛或选择遗忘相似，孩子通过责罚自己，而不是真正的罪魁祸首来维持自己与残暴的看护者之间的依附关系。尽管这种行为在成人眼中看似不可能或者压根就不可信，但是在面对当下的背叛行为时，这的确是维系家庭纽带的一种策略。
倘若背叛反反复复发生，那么自责就会演变成一种长期的行为习惯。
......
孩子在成长的道路上需要安全的、值得信任的人际关系，以此构建自我意识和稳定的情绪。背叛扰乱了我们赖以生存的人际关系网。想象一下遭受到背叛时那种一落千丈的感觉吧，而且你怎么也想不通背叛的缘由。对孩子来说，背叛造成的疑惑和迷茫超出了他们的理解范围，所以他们的心里凌乱万分、狂乱无序。我们成年人明晰让我们产生一落千丈之感的罪魁祸首，而孩子只会被事情弄得措手不及——试图抓住生命中一切稳定不变的东西作为救命稻草。如果没有其他关系值得信任，背叛在生命中又是普遍的现象，那么孩子只能通过在内心深处挖寻出发生过的坏事，以便搜索到稳定的因素。当孩子意识到背叛在生命中如此普遍，且无其他社会关系值得信赖时，他便只能从内心深处搜寻自己曾做的不对的记忆，并努力搜寻到可以解释当前处境的稳定因素。
 ......
值得信任的人际关系是个人幸福和成长的基础，是恋爱和友情的基础，也是在社会和国际上享受公正、和平的基础。然而，无论在哪个层面上，背叛都是普遍存在的。它刺痛我们的内心，摧毁人际关系和人与人之间的信任，侵蚀民族之间和国家之间的关系，而且往往是战争的导火索。按理说，当我们遭遇到背叛，我们会直面自己的处境，与背叛者对峙，然后继续生活。不过，正如我们前面讲述的那样，事情通常没有这么简单。我们不会挑明背叛，要么是因为与背叛者之间的关系异常重要，要么是因为我们内心不够强大。
然而会有其他复杂的情形出现。有时我们知道自己被背叛了——我们看到了另一半写给其他人的情书，或者找到了政府欺骗我们的证据。不过，大多数情况下背叛的证据并不那么清晰，但是我们意识到了异常的存在，正如凯文的例子。我们并不知道是什么，却感受到了不自在，或是羞愧，或是焦虑。我们在前面讨论过，受到虐待的儿童不能够识别出背叛，所以当值得信赖的父母背弃他们时，他们会责备自己。
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盲视（blind）一词，视觉与认知之间的联系已表露无遗。这个词根公认的最早含义不是“不可见（sightlessness）”而是“迷惑和黑暗（confusion and darkness）"。后来，盲视（blind）逐渐演化出两个相互关联的主要意思：（1）看不见；（2）不愿意或不能够感知、理解。我们用短语“背叛盲视（betrayal blindness）”来涵盖这两个意思，虽然我们并不想要包含失明之意，也并无意制造一种制度上的背叛——将健全、理想化的身体状况视作标准，而将其他所有形式的身体状况视作弱势群体。背叛盲视除了发生于眼睛看不到之时，也发生在我们听不到、感觉不到、或者不知道那些在我们眼皮底下的事情之时。而且，失明的人比看得见的人更能感知到背叛的发生。我们自认背叛盲视这个短语大体捕捉到了我们想要传达的意思，而其他短语做不到这一点。我们希望有一天会出现一种表述，它可以更加清楚地区分看不见和抽象层面上的视而不见。
背叛盲视并不是一场游戏。有时我们对背叛心知肚明，却假装不知道，这是为了缓和人际关系。史蒂芬·平克（Steven Pinker）描述了当人们知道或觉得若是将某些事情讲出来，会冒太大的风险时，他们彼此会“打太极”。打个比方，一个人不会直截了当地贿赂一名警察，而是使用更加谨慎的语言暗示贿赂的想法，比如，“我现在可以付款吗？”最经典的一个例子就是“皇帝的新衣”，所有人都知道皇帝是裸体的，但是没有一个敢讲出来。然而，一旦这种话说出口，一切都会改变，不是因为人们知道了皇帝原来是光着身子的（他们早已看到了这一点），而是因为他们晓得现在大家都知道了。平克指出，当消息扩散到人尽皆知的地步（意思是你知道我已经知道你知道了，等等），一个人就不会对事实假装否认了。延伸到背叛领域——比如婚姻中的背叛——一个人可能知道背叛的发生，但觉得如果挑明的话会有很大的风险，便选择“假装否认”。然而，如果一个人对另一半依赖性极强，就难以假装背叛之事不存在了。这种情况下对背叛的自然反应要么是甘愿退出，要么是当面对质，我们很难下意识地再三压抑自己。至少，这种伪装需要付出极大的注意力和努力。而更糟糕的情况是，这样的伪装彻底崩溃，真实的情感流露出来，一直小心翼翼保护的感情就会面临破裂的危机。想象一下一个小孩子的困境，他们的心智还不够成熟，尚不会耍这些手段。
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当发生明显的虐待行为时，作恶者会操纵受害者保持沉默、浑然不觉。例如，领导人若想让公众对其盲目忠诚，就会制造恐慌。一旦民众感到恐惧，他们会更加依赖领导人，从而对领导人的谎言和背叛行为更加无视。事实上，压迫者会用很多方法鼓励受害者对压迫选择盲视。
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受到熟人的侵犯比受到陌生人的侵犯更加普遍，伤害性可能也会更大。大多数性侵是由受害者的熟人所为，这增加了延迟披露时间、缺乏支持、后果更为严重的可能性。人们普遍认为“陌生人危险”，这种刻板印象使得人们对性侵的相对风险，以及熟人和陌生人对受害者造成的伤害困惑不堪。
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当今社会中一个令人费解的现象是我们往往会对身边的不公平、压迫、背叛视而不见。虽然旁观者持有背叛盲视的态度着实让人窝火，但也是可以理解的。正如受害者有必要对背叛装作看不见一样，或许旁观者也不得不这样做。经过亘古的历史演化和终身的文化熏陶，每一个人都要成为有道德的个体。道德是人类进化中的一个部分，也是每一种文化和宗教的核心。道德规范的一个基本教义是公平，另一个就是关爱或不伤害他人。尽管不同的传统有着不同的关注点（比如，服从、忠诚、纯洁），但公平和关爱是所有道德体系的核心。他人可能会违反公平和关爱教义，而一旦发生这种情况，它不仅仅会让受害者感受到背叛，旁观者的内心也会有这种感觉——感到背叛了公平和正义原则。然而我们会对背叛选择视而不见是因为看见背叛所要付出的代价太大了。
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因为我们可能在社会契约中遭到背叛，所以我们通过人类进化史和个人的生活经历掌握了可以精准地察觉他人背叛行为的能力。其实，进化心理学家为此提出了一个术语来描述我们特殊的技能：骗子侦察者（cheaterd etectors）。进化心理学家勒达·科斯米德斯（Leda Coase-mides）和约翰·托比（John Toby）在20世纪90年代开展了一系列研究，结果表明人类对违反社会契约的行为，即欺骗的争辩频次要远远高于力求争辩需要同样辩解逻辑的其他问题。
我们察觉出骗子的能力是项重要的生存技能，因为这意味着我们可以减少背叛的可能性。大部分时候，当我们意识到自己被骗或遭到背叛时，我们也会产生一种强烈的情感反应——一种负面的反应席卷我们，例如，我们在前面几章提到过的落差感或迷惑。这种因一个想法或一个念头所产生的强烈的情感反应会进而诱发我们的行为。如果我们曾遭受过欺骗或背叛，我们会采取以下反应中的一种：其中一种反应是面对，另一种是逃避。两种反应都会保护我们免受欺骗的伤害。例如，如果你被一个朋友欺骗，你可能会与朋友当面对质，讨个说法，或者你可能与其断绝往来，以免再次受到伤害。
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注意力和记忆涉及基本的认知过程，人们之所以能够离散对背叛创伤的意识，也是由于这些认知过程在作怪。从研究中我们发现了解离症与所谓的认知隔离（knowledge　isolation）之间的关联。认知隔离包括诸如遗忘和无意识的行为——这是背叛盲视的要素。
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[Sherry Boschert · Rating 5 out of 5]

The subtitle is, "Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren't Being Fooled." Great insights from this eminent psychologist not only provide greater personal understanding but shed light on one of the top public controversies of our time -- sexual abuse, and the "betrayal trauma" that compounds the original abuse when a trusted entity (like, say, a university that supposed to be looking out for its students) refuses to help the person being abused.