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Everybody Wins The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing by Chapman, Gary [Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,2006]
Everybody Wins The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing by Chapman, Gary. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,2006, Hardcover
Hardcover
First published January 1, 2006
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About the author
Gary Chapman
479 books3,499 followersGary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.
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December 15, 2024
كتاب صغير مكثف عن الخلافات الزوجية وكيفية حلها..
تنشأ الخلافات أو النزاعات من تفرد كل منا. لا يكمن الاختلاف بين الذكور والإناث فقط، بل إن كل فرد، سواء أذكرًا أم أنثى، هو متفرد بذاته. إن جزءًا من تفردنا مبني على أساس جيني. ويسعنا ملاحظة هذه الاختلافات في الجينات أكثر مما نلاحظها في السمات الجسدية المميزة.
إن إيجاد حل للخلافات لا يكون من خلال السعي إلى تحرير أنفسنا من أوجه اختلافنا بل يكون بتعلم كيفية جعل هذه الاختلافات مصدر قوة لا مصدر خلاف. إن هدف الزواج الناجح هو أن يتعلم الزوجان كيف يعملان معا كفريق، مستخدمين أوجه الاختلاف بينهما لكي يجعلا الحياة أفضل لكليهما. وحل الخلافات هو أحد الأساليب التي نعمل بواسطتها على تطوير عمل الفريق هذا. إننا أحيانًا لا ندرك حتى ماهية هذه الخلافات إلى أن ينشأ خلاف ما.
غالبا ما يكون الفارق بين حل الخلافات والجدل هو الموقف أو أسلوب التصرف. لماذا يتجادل الأشخاص؟ بكلمة واحدة بسبب التصلب. إننا نتبنى موقفًا متصلبًا ونرفض التزحزح عنه. خلاصة القول: "إن طريقتي هي الطريقة الصحيحة، وإن لم تتبعها فإني سأجعل حياتك تعسة بائسة". إن هذا ليس إلا موقف الشخص المجادل، إذ أنه شخص يصر على فرض آرائه.
يكشف الخلاف في جوهره، أن لدى شخصين رأيان مختلفان وأنهما يتمسكان بقوة بوجهة نظرهما الخاصة. يرافق كل خلاف علم يرفرف في الهواء كتب عليه: "خذ وقتا لتصغي". لا يمكن حل الخلافات دون الإصغاء المتفهم والمتعاطف.
اعرف ما يقوله شريكك حقيقة. ليس هذا الأمر بالسهولة التي يبدو عليها. إن أحد أكثر الأخطاء الشائعة التي يقع فيها الزوجان في الواقع، هو الاستجابة لما يعتقدان أن أحدهما يقوله، دون الإصغاء حقًا لما قيل بالفعل.
استمع إلى مشاعر شريكك.
اكتشف ما هو مهم فعلا بالنسبة إلى شريكك.
حدد مدى تمسك شريكك بوجهة نظره.
الفهم يؤدي إلى إيجاد الحلول
يمكن حل معظم الخلافات بمقاربة "الالتقاء في منتصف الطريق"، أو "الالتقاء على جانب واحد"، أو "الالتقاء في وقت لاحق". عندما نشعر أن الطرف الآخر يفهمنا ويحبنا؛ وعندها نتوصل إلى قرار ما دون إكراه، تصبح تسوية الخلافات أكثر سهولة إلى حد بعيد. إنّنا ندرك كوننا في الفريق نفسه، وأننا نعمل معا لاستخدام أفكارنا ورغباتنا وعواطفنا للوصول إلى حلول للخلافات يكون الكل فيها رابحًا.
- عندما تكون أنت الرابح في جدال ما، فإن شريكك يكون الخاسر، وكلنا يعلم أن ليس من الممتع العيش مع خاسر.
- تحقق المجادلات الكثير من المنجزات ولكنها، مع الأسف منجزات مدمرة.
كما أن في وسعك بالتأكيد أن تتعلم ركوب دراجة، أو قيادة سيارة، أو استخدام الكمبيوتر، فإنك تستطيع أن تتعلم كيف تحل الخلافات.
- إن الحل لتسوية الخلاف ليس في السعي إلى التخلص من اختلافاتنا، بل هو في تعلم كيف نجعل من هذه الاختلافات شيئًا نافعا بدل من كونها عائقًا.
- إن إيجاد حل يكون الكل فيه رابحًا، يبدأ بقرار الاعتقاد بأن مثل هذا الحل ممكن، وبأن لديك أنت وشريكك ما يكفي من الذكاء لكي تكتشفاه.
تنشأ الخلافات أو النزاعات من تفرد كل منا. لا يكمن الاختلاف بين الذكور والإناث فقط، بل إن كل فرد، سواء أذكرًا أم أنثى، هو متفرد بذاته. إن جزءًا من تفردنا مبني على أساس جيني. ويسعنا ملاحظة هذه الاختلافات في الجينات أكثر مما نلاحظها في السمات الجسدية المميزة.
إن إيجاد حل للخلافات لا يكون من خلال السعي إلى تحرير أنفسنا من أوجه اختلافنا بل يكون بتعلم كيفية جعل هذه الاختلافات مصدر قوة لا مصدر خلاف. إن هدف الزواج الناجح هو أن يتعلم الزوجان كيف يعملان معا كفريق، مستخدمين أوجه الاختلاف بينهما لكي يجعلا الحياة أفضل لكليهما. وحل الخلافات هو أحد الأساليب التي نعمل بواسطتها على تطوير عمل الفريق هذا. إننا أحيانًا لا ندرك حتى ماهية هذه الخلافات إلى أن ينشأ خلاف ما.
غالبا ما يكون الفارق بين حل الخلافات والجدل هو الموقف أو أسلوب التصرف. لماذا يتجادل الأشخاص؟ بكلمة واحدة بسبب التصلب. إننا نتبنى موقفًا متصلبًا ونرفض التزحزح عنه. خلاصة القول: "إن طريقتي هي الطريقة الصحيحة، وإن لم تتبعها فإني سأجعل حياتك تعسة بائسة". إن هذا ليس إلا موقف الشخص المجادل، إذ أنه شخص يصر على فرض آرائه.
يكشف الخلاف في جوهره، أن لدى شخصين رأيان مختلفان وأنهما يتمسكان بقوة بوجهة نظرهما الخاصة. يرافق كل خلاف علم يرفرف في الهواء كتب عليه: "خذ وقتا لتصغي". لا يمكن حل الخلافات دون الإصغاء المتفهم والمتعاطف.
اعرف ما يقوله شريكك حقيقة. ليس هذا الأمر بالسهولة التي يبدو عليها. إن أحد أكثر الأخطاء الشائعة التي يقع فيها الزوجان في الواقع، هو الاستجابة لما يعتقدان أن أحدهما يقوله، دون الإصغاء حقًا لما قيل بالفعل.
استمع إلى مشاعر شريكك.
اكتشف ما هو مهم فعلا بالنسبة إلى شريكك.
حدد مدى تمسك شريكك بوجهة نظره.
الفهم يؤدي إلى إيجاد الحلول
يمكن حل معظم الخلافات بمقاربة "الالتقاء في منتصف الطريق"، أو "الالتقاء على جانب واحد"، أو "الالتقاء في وقت لاحق". عندما نشعر أن الطرف الآخر يفهمنا ويحبنا؛ وعندها نتوصل إلى قرار ما دون إكراه، تصبح تسوية الخلافات أكثر سهولة إلى حد بعيد. إنّنا ندرك كوننا في الفريق نفسه، وأننا نعمل معا لاستخدام أفكارنا ورغباتنا وعواطفنا للوصول إلى حلول للخلافات يكون الكل فيها رابحًا.
- عندما تكون أنت الرابح في جدال ما، فإن شريكك يكون الخاسر، وكلنا يعلم أن ليس من الممتع العيش مع خاسر.
- تحقق المجادلات الكثير من المنجزات ولكنها، مع الأسف منجزات مدمرة.
كما أن في وسعك بالتأكيد أن تتعلم ركوب دراجة، أو قيادة سيارة، أو استخدام الكمبيوتر، فإنك تستطيع أن تتعلم كيف تحل الخلافات.
- إن الحل لتسوية الخلاف ليس في السعي إلى التخلص من اختلافاتنا، بل هو في تعلم كيف نجعل من هذه الاختلافات شيئًا نافعا بدل من كونها عائقًا.
- إن إيجاد حل يكون الكل فيه رابحًا، يبدأ بقرار الاعتقاد بأن مثل هذا الحل ممكن، وبأن لديك أنت وشريكك ما يكفي من الذكاء لكي تكتشفاه.
Read
June 29, 2020كتاب يوضح باختصار أهمية الإستماع المتعاطف ،والقدرة على رؤية الموقف من موضع قدم شريك حياتك ،والشعور بمشاعره ،ومعرفة أهمية الأمر عنده وما الذي يجعله يتخذ هذا الموقف أو يصر على هذا الرأي .. وضرورة التأكيد على المحبة والإحترام مع شريك الحياة حتى في أوقات الخلاف وأهمية الحلول الوسطى.
وهي نفس الأفكار التي تتناولها معظم كتب العلاقات الزوجية .. لكنه كتاب جميل ومختصر ومباشر نسبة الى معظم الكتب المترجمة.
وهي نفس الأفكار التي تتناولها معظم كتب العلاقات الزوجية .. لكنه كتاب جميل ومختصر ومباشر نسبة الى معظم الكتب المترجمة.
March 2, 2024
3.5 ⭐️
“Conflict resolution is one of the most fundamental aspects of marital success. The bottom line is that unresolved conflicts, accompanied by arguing destroy marriages.”
This book sheds light on the poison that arguing is in a marriage. Long lasting, happy marriages are made when couples master resolving conflicts without arguing, ♥️ as conflicts are inevitable in every marriage. This book offers a few good phrases to use when conflicts arise to remind the other spouse that they are loved, valued, and respected. 🥰
Helpful read for all marriages, as we can always strive to get even better at communication and conflict resolution. I believe there is also wisdom in learning about the poisonous effects of arguing such as leaving a winner and loser, resentment, hurt feelings, and isolation. Which no one wants!
The book is written for couples who both have strong opinions and speak up for themselves. Would not necessarily recommend for a relationship where one spouse is more dominant and argumentative and tends to “win arguments”.
I find Gary Thomas a bit wordy, and the dialogue examples in each chapter were dull in my opinion. Each chapter did have good takeaways, but the book could have been half as long.
I loved the example at the end of the book of the happy couple married for 50 years! They agreed early on in marriage to come up with solutions for any conflicts that both parties could agree on and feel valued and heard. They also committed early on to loving each other strongly through everything- especially conflict. 🥰👍 They also committed to a marriage enrichment conference annually. Which they still practiced, even 50 years later. A good reminder to keep the mindset of always growing and learning to love each other better! ♥️
“Conflict resolution is one of the most fundamental aspects of marital success. The bottom line is that unresolved conflicts, accompanied by arguing destroy marriages.”
This book sheds light on the poison that arguing is in a marriage. Long lasting, happy marriages are made when couples master resolving conflicts without arguing, ♥️ as conflicts are inevitable in every marriage. This book offers a few good phrases to use when conflicts arise to remind the other spouse that they are loved, valued, and respected. 🥰
Helpful read for all marriages, as we can always strive to get even better at communication and conflict resolution. I believe there is also wisdom in learning about the poisonous effects of arguing such as leaving a winner and loser, resentment, hurt feelings, and isolation. Which no one wants!
The book is written for couples who both have strong opinions and speak up for themselves. Would not necessarily recommend for a relationship where one spouse is more dominant and argumentative and tends to “win arguments”.
I find Gary Thomas a bit wordy, and the dialogue examples in each chapter were dull in my opinion. Each chapter did have good takeaways, but the book could have been half as long.
I loved the example at the end of the book of the happy couple married for 50 years! They agreed early on in marriage to come up with solutions for any conflicts that both parties could agree on and feel valued and heard. They also committed early on to loving each other strongly through everything- especially conflict. 🥰👍 They also committed to a marriage enrichment conference annually. Which they still practiced, even 50 years later. A good reminder to keep the mindset of always growing and learning to love each other better! ♥️
September 24, 2020
Looks like Author was high on Self-promotion when he wrote this. Although he talks about empathy, listening and interpersonal communication - which isn't a new concept today. I appreciate his efforts, as the book was written possibly a decade ago... Maybe it could be helpful for couples, or people who need to be spoonfed over basic things.
March 3, 2011
I have to facilitate a discussion on conflict resolution for a group I'm a part of (have no idea why as that is definitely not my background or area of expertise). Anyway, I needed to quickly find some stuff to talk about and came across this book. It does a great job, in only 100 pages or so, of laying out reasons why we argue, why arguing without resolution is unhealthy for marriages, and provides a plan for dealing with conflict. It echoes some of the other information I've found as I've been frantically attempting to pack my brain with enough details to speak 'knowledgeably' about this topic. Solutions/steps Mr. Chapman mentions like empathetic listening, re-stating what you've heard until the other person agrees that you have understood his/her viewpoint, asking clarifying questions and so on all seem to be common 'you need to do these things if you really want to resolve conflicts' across the information I've been reading.
I really liked the idea of rating an issue - on a scale of 1-10, how important is this issue to you. I think that can help you/your spouse see whether you are truly passionate about something or whether you really could just let it go. He also doesn't insist that every conflict has to be resolved through compromise - though that is presented as one of the resolution methods. (I liked his suggestion of calling it "meeting in the middle" as opposed to compromising, so that you focus on what you've gained, as opposed to what you had to give up something.)
I think every marriage can benefit from the ideas presented in this book - I know I'm planning to put them into practice in mine. Also, although the book is Christian-based (and I am as well), that doesn't detract from it at all. I think the ideas presented would work well for Christians and non-Christians, as the solutions presented don't require that one be a Christian to implement them.
I really liked the idea of rating an issue - on a scale of 1-10, how important is this issue to you. I think that can help you/your spouse see whether you are truly passionate about something or whether you really could just let it go. He also doesn't insist that every conflict has to be resolved through compromise - though that is presented as one of the resolution methods. (I liked his suggestion of calling it "meeting in the middle" as opposed to compromising, so that you focus on what you've gained, as opposed to what you had to give up something.)
I think every marriage can benefit from the ideas presented in this book - I know I'm planning to put them into practice in mine. Also, although the book is Christian-based (and I am as well), that doesn't detract from it at all. I think the ideas presented would work well for Christians and non-Christians, as the solutions presented don't require that one be a Christian to implement them.
October 21, 2022
Another great read! Chapman strikes again!
Conflict resolution is so key to having a happy marriage. I never thought to view conflicts as opportunities to demonstrate our love, respect, and admiration for our spouse. Beautiful read!
Enjoy!
Conflict resolution is so key to having a happy marriage. I never thought to view conflicts as opportunities to demonstrate our love, respect, and admiration for our spouse. Beautiful read!
Enjoy!
January 29, 2020
Short and to the point, Chapman always brings the fire.
October 22, 2025
This book in a nutshell:
“Surely as you can ride a bicycle, drive a car, or use a computer you can learn how to resolve conflicts. The answer to conflict resolution is not in seeking to rid ourselves of our differences, but in learning how to make our differences into assets rather than liabilities. Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. Arguments never resolve conflicts; they simply intensify them. Conflicts cannot be resolved without empathetic listening.”
By learning to listen empathetically,
“What is my spouse saying?”
“What is my spouse feeling”
By choosing to respect each others ideas and feelings
By seeking to understand why a particular issue or view is so important to my spouse
And by finding solutions that leave both of us feeling loved and appreciated. ❤️
3 winning attitudes:
1. I choose to RESPECT my spouse’s ideas even when I disagree with them.
2. I choose to LOVE my spouse and do everything I can to help him/her today.
3. I choose to believe that my spouse and I are TEAMMATES and that with God’s help, we can find solutions to any conflict.
“Surely as you can ride a bicycle, drive a car, or use a computer you can learn how to resolve conflicts. The answer to conflict resolution is not in seeking to rid ourselves of our differences, but in learning how to make our differences into assets rather than liabilities. Finding a winning solution begins by choosing to believe that such a solution is possible and that you and your spouse are smart enough to discover it. Arguments never resolve conflicts; they simply intensify them. Conflicts cannot be resolved without empathetic listening.”
By learning to listen empathetically,
“What is my spouse saying?”
“What is my spouse feeling”
By choosing to respect each others ideas and feelings
By seeking to understand why a particular issue or view is so important to my spouse
And by finding solutions that leave both of us feeling loved and appreciated. ❤️
3 winning attitudes:
1. I choose to RESPECT my spouse’s ideas even when I disagree with them.
2. I choose to LOVE my spouse and do everything I can to help him/her today.
3. I choose to believe that my spouse and I are TEAMMATES and that with God’s help, we can find solutions to any conflict.
August 20, 2019
Subtitled The Chapman Guide to Solving Conflicts without Arguing, Everybody Wins offers sage advice for married couples who need help learning to fight fairly.
In this slim volume, Chapman outlines the principles of conflict-resolution he teaches couples in his counseling practice. Ideally, both husband and wife should read the book and put these concepts into action. But even if only one of them does so, they’ll likely see a reduction in the amount of arguing that takes place at home.
Chapman stresses the importance of listening with a good attitude and the goal of understanding. Of asking smart questions to clarify what your partner is saying. And of working as a team to resolve conflicts in ways that are mutually agreeable and beneficial.
The author draws on a wealth of counseling experience. He cites stories of how clients who were formerly at an impasse were able to successfully find solutions through applying these simple guidelines.
In this slim volume, Chapman outlines the principles of conflict-resolution he teaches couples in his counseling practice. Ideally, both husband and wife should read the book and put these concepts into action. But even if only one of them does so, they’ll likely see a reduction in the amount of arguing that takes place at home.
Chapman stresses the importance of listening with a good attitude and the goal of understanding. Of asking smart questions to clarify what your partner is saying. And of working as a team to resolve conflicts in ways that are mutually agreeable and beneficial.
The author draws on a wealth of counseling experience. He cites stories of how clients who were formerly at an impasse were able to successfully find solutions through applying these simple guidelines.
May 18, 2020
Short and sweet and to the point without using all the therapy jargon too!
Parts of the book I liked:
"Any victory won by means of an argument will be short lived. The loser will eventually come back with a new argument or an old argument restated in an effort to persuade his or her spouse. But the renewed argument will also end with a win, lose or draw verdict. So you see arguments never resolve anything, they only reveal conflicts. Once a conflict is revealed a couple must find a way to resolve it with dignity and respect for the other person." The purpose of this book is to resolve conflict without arguing.
Empathetic listening. "The most common mistakes in communication is responding before your spouse has the full picture. This inevitably leads to arguments. Listen for as long as your spouse has something to say. Use clarifying questions to make sure that you understand what he is saying or feeling when your spouse assures you that he or she feels that you understand, THEN is the time you can give your own perspective. "
Parts of the book I liked:
"Any victory won by means of an argument will be short lived. The loser will eventually come back with a new argument or an old argument restated in an effort to persuade his or her spouse. But the renewed argument will also end with a win, lose or draw verdict. So you see arguments never resolve anything, they only reveal conflicts. Once a conflict is revealed a couple must find a way to resolve it with dignity and respect for the other person." The purpose of this book is to resolve conflict without arguing.
Empathetic listening. "The most common mistakes in communication is responding before your spouse has the full picture. This inevitably leads to arguments. Listen for as long as your spouse has something to say. Use clarifying questions to make sure that you understand what he is saying or feeling when your spouse assures you that he or she feels that you understand, THEN is the time you can give your own perspective. "
May 17, 2022
Even though this is a short book it could still have been about half as big to tell the message. I would even recommend just reading the last chapter to save time and disappointment. After learning about the author’s ideas about the love languages I had certainly expected more. The book is repetitive and the examples are uninspiring. Arguments about how to squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube might happen more often then one thinks, but don’t really deserve the attention they’re getting in my opinion. Neither is the advice to not walk out of the room when listening empathetically to your spouse. The religious reference seem out of place and surely made me like the book less. All together a meager 2 stars for the few good tips and the basic idea of the book.
March 5, 2020
I actually learn a lot from this book. I always thought that arguing/fighting is normal for marriages. But then, after reading the book I tried the method. It really work! I now start to listen. Really listen to my husband. Reclarify back, accept the other opinions and finding a solution. Together. I also shared with my husband my input (the book will be dusty and he still and will not gonna read it).
Oh, it doesn't have any religion's much input, except the Abraham story, which Muslim also shared the same story. So, it's actually applicable to any religious.
If you're looking for the light reading, relationship advices - try this one. You won't regret it.
Oh, it doesn't have any religion's much input, except the Abraham story, which Muslim also shared the same story. So, it's actually applicable to any religious.
If you're looking for the light reading, relationship advices - try this one. You won't regret it.
January 15, 2018
Small and insightful enough to read on a plane trip from Budapest to Rome and back (or listen to it). The only thing I was sorry about, was starting to read the book so late. It's a perfect summary of Chapman's 5 love languages and a perfect introduction into the topic. Recommend to everyone in and out of a relationship. We take so much for granted and are so deaf to loved ones... this is a game changer.
January 11, 2018
The most helpful insight in Gary Chapman’s book, Everybody Wins, is his distinction between arguing and conflict resolution. The book is framed in the context of marriage relationship but the principles are applicable in any relationship. Since conflict is part of life, his approach to conflict resolution can be what saves many marriage and relationships from inevitable disintegration.
September 6, 2019
A Must Read
A must read for all who are married and for those who desire to be married...this is my second full read and I’m going to read it again...
Thank you...I use this book when we do pre-marital and marriage intervention...
Even after almost 36 years of marriage this book is very helpful and it has provided insight that is so easily overlooked..
A must read for all who are married and for those who desire to be married...this is my second full read and I’m going to read it again...
Thank you...I use this book when we do pre-marital and marriage intervention...
Even after almost 36 years of marriage this book is very helpful and it has provided insight that is so easily overlooked..
June 22, 2018
[audible]
Great book...not married but I think the concepts can be applied to any relationship...
I've always liked Gary Chapman, and this book was as good as the love language one.
It's not rocket science, but it isn't the default either - I will revisit this one frequently!
Great book...not married but I think the concepts can be applied to any relationship...
I've always liked Gary Chapman, and this book was as good as the love language one.
It's not rocket science, but it isn't the default either - I will revisit this one frequently!
July 21, 2021
Great for any stage of marriage
A very quick read that discusses multiple strategies to handling conflict in marriage or relationships. Real examples of conflict and strategies to help solve the conflict.
A very quick read that discusses multiple strategies to handling conflict in marriage or relationships. Real examples of conflict and strategies to help solve the conflict.
January 2, 2023
Very practical help on how and why we should listen to others. It teaches how conflict can be resolved by listening to the other person's perspective. It is written in the context of marriage, but can be applied to any relationship. I plan to have my teenagers read this book.
May 22, 2023
Great book on communication and conflict resolution. It's explains really well the issues people have with listening and the whole book just makes a lot of sense. For such a small book it makes a lot of a difference.
August 24, 2025
Excellent tools to use in marriage to improve empathetic listening, responding with respect and understanding, using differences as assets. and reducing conflict. Want to read with my husband again in the future.
November 29, 2017
This was a good book to listen to about ways to communicate when there is a disagreement with your significant other.
July 14, 2018
Eye opening!!!!
So many things learned that need to be read once more and put in practice every lesson on a day by day basis. Totally worth it.
So many things learned that need to be read once more and put in practice every lesson on a day by day basis. Totally worth it.
August 29, 2019
Listen, empathize, and compromise. There you go. Nothing new here.
June 7, 2021
*Audiobook*
August 17, 2021
A small book discussing how to activity listen to your spouse to resolve conflict in a loving, productive, and respectful manner
November 24, 2021
Short, informative and chock full of good stuff!!
January 28, 2022
Très intéressant
September 15, 2022
Very good book, very helpful for anyone in relationships. Heteronormative and god-loving approach was a turnoff, otherwise would have rated much higher.
December 6, 2023
Eh it was fine. Nothing incredibly memorable.
July 18, 2025
wonderful way to comprehend & understand conflicts and a very simple effective way to address them
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