Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy

by Emily Bazelon

NATIONAL BESTSELLER

Being a teenager has never been easy, but in recent years, with the rise of the Internet and social media, it has become exponentially more challenging. Bullying, once thought of as the province of queen bees and goons, has taken on new, complex, and insidious forms, as parents and educators know all too well.
 
No writer is better poised to explore this territory than Emily Bazelon, who has established herself as a leading voice on the social and legal aspects of teenage drama. In Sticks and Stones, she brings readers on a deeply researched, clear-eyed journey into the ever-shifting landscape of teenage meanness and its sometimes devastating consequences. The result is an indispensable book that takes us from school cafeterias to courtrooms to the offices of Facebook, the website where so much teenage life, good and bad, now unfolds.
 
Along the way, Bazelon defines what bullying is and, just as important, what it is not. She explores when intervention is essential and when kids should be given the freedom to fend for themselves. She also dispels persistent myths: that girls bully more than boys, that online and in-person bullying are entirely distinct, that bullying is a common cause of suicide, and that harsh criminal penalties are an effective deterrent. Above all, she believes that to deal with the problem, we must first understand it.
 
Blending keen journalistic and narrative skills, Bazelon explores different facets of bullying through the stories of three young people who found themselves caught in the thick of it. Thirteen-year-old Monique endured months of harassment and exclusion before her mother finally pulled her out of school. Jacob was threatened and physically attacked over his sexuality in eighth grade—and then sued to protect himself and change the culture of his school. Flannery was one of six teens who faced criminal charges after a fellow student’s suicide was blamed on bullying and made international headlines. With grace and authority, Bazelon chronicles how these kids’ predicaments escalated, to no one’s benefit, into community-wide wars. Cutting through the noise, misinformation, and sensationalism, she takes us into schools that have succeeded in reducing bullying and examines their successful strategies. The result is a groundbreaking book that will help parents, educators, and teens themselves better understand what kids are going through today and what can be done to help them through it.

Praise for Sticks and Stones
 
“Intelligent, rigorous . . . [Emily Bazelon] is a compassionate champion for justice in the domain of childhood’s essential unfairness.”—Andrew Solomon, The New York Times Book Review
 
“[Bazelon] does not stint on the psychological literature, but the result never feels dense with studies; it’s immersive storytelling with a sturdy base of science underneath, and draws its authority and power from both.”—New York
 
“A humane and closely reported exploration of the way that hurtful power relationships play out in the contemporary public-school setting . . . As a parent herself, [Bazelon] brings clear, kind analysis to complex and upsetting circumstances.”—The Wall Street Journal
 
“Bullying isn’t new. But our attempts to respond to it are, as Bazelon explains in her richly detailed, thought-provoking book. . . . Comprehensive in her reporting and balanced in her conclusions, Bazelon extracts from these stories useful lessons for young people, parents and principals alike.” —The Washington Post

Genres: Nonfiction, Education, Parenting, Psychology, Sociology, Adult, Audiobook

Audio CD

First published February 19, 2013

About the author

Emily Bazelon is a senior editor at Slate, a contributing writer at the New York Times Magazine, and the Truman Capote Fellow for Creative Writing and Law at Yale Law School

Reviews

[Jacob Lasher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Edit: 3/29/14:

I'm featured in this book. So it's weird reading about myself and my story about bullying. It's weird, but interesting. I also had no idea she'd be interviewing a bully that I had to deal with in middle school, so that was cool and interesting how she showed the two sides to every story.

I remember meeting Emily and her telling me about this dream that she had about writing this book. Picking it up, a couple years later, was funny. Haha.


Now a few problems that I can't ignore:
Both of my parents did try to act more heroic than they really were. I opened my mouth and no one was as helpful as they tried to seem. They weren't as supportive as they tried to make it seem when Emily interviewed they, but whatever. I actually didn't want Emily interviewing my father but she went behind my back when I told her no, so...

And I actually have been diagnosed depression and did self-harm for several years for personal reasons that I won't disclose, but she said otherwise when I told her that it was important enough to be in the book. It felt like I was drowning all the time. I'll always carry that with me.

Though I am glad Emily's trying to open people's eyes, I'm just stating my personal opinion as someone who reviews books. She did a great job, but some facts were off the wall but as long as the main objective of getting people to wake up is set through, then okay. :)

[Marjorie Ingall · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is wicked nuanced (how IRKSOME in our soundbite culture!). Bazelon blends storytelling and research beautifully. Sticks and Stones offers solutions that are really about changing the culture of schools -- they're not facile. (I am on record as loathing the movie Bully because I felt it was torture porn with a fake-y uplifting ending that made a conscious choice not to offer context or meaningful, strategic solutions.) This book addresses the role kids have in getting bullied (without being blame-y about it!) and the way power dynamics often shift -- there's a lot of research on "bully-victims." I'm impressed that something so data-filled is also such a pageturner.

The book focuses on three kids -- a flamboyantly gay 8th grader in rural NY State named Jacob who sued his school via the ACLU for failing to protect him; a popular white girl named Flannery who supposedly bullied Phoebe Price, the Irish teen who killed herself in South Hadley, MA a few yrs ago and was criminally prosecuted for it; and an African-American girl in CT named Monique whose mom and grandma worked their asses off to keep bullies away from her and wound up tangling with the local school board, which had become pissy and vengeful about their persistence and use of the media.

Bazelon talks about which anti-bullying strategies don't work. She talks about the role of social media. And best of all, she talks to bullies -- a lot of bullies. Some understand that what they did was wrong; some do not. She also talks about how the media muddy the waters and how adults capitalize on bullying for their own purposes: publicity, furthering political careers, etc.

I read a couple of reviews that said the book was frustrating because Bazelon doesn't offer solutions...but she DOES; they just require a shit-ton of work! Making schools more tolerant places for everyone takes more than a workshop or a scattershot approach or showing a movie or releasing balloons. She offers names of curricula and tons of info on changing the culture, which is something very different from demonizing bullies. It's a lot of work to create climate of kindness, one that has to permeate the way everyone in a school deals with everyone else.

I know a lot of folks were distressed with her Phoebe Price coverage in Slate, finding it too sympathetic to the bullies. I didn't agree then, and I agree even less now. When we turn bullies into irredeemable, evil Other, and when we start waving torches and stop looking at context, we lose the opportunity to make meaningful, deep-rooted, longterm change.

My only issue with the book was I wasn't sure the structure worked; it felt a bit fragmented, going back and forth among the different storylines. Not a huge deal, but worth mentioning.

[Caitlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Context first. I wanted to review this book because I loathed Emily Bazelon's coverage of the Phoebe Prince story. Phoebe Prince was a young woman who was bullied in school and committed suicide in South Hadley, MA. The case became significant because the local DA prosecuted the kids involved and initially leveled felony charges on the kids. Ms. Bazelon's coverage seemed to emphasize that the prosecution was wrongful and unhelpful, but more importantly that bullying did not (and does not) cause suicide. I found her take on the whole event as part of a broader narrative of slut shaming and excuses for abusive behavior. I don't agree with the initial charges leveled by the prosecution in South Hadley nor do I believe that bullying was the direct cause of Ms. Prince's suicide. Having said that, suicide is a complicated multi-faceted choice whose proximal cause is almost always removed from its roots. Bullying can play into suicide by contributing to or creating an individual's trauma history and by creating and reinforcing feelings of low self-esteem that can lead to depression.

I disliked the casual way that Ms. Bazelon presented this young woman's psychiatric history as the direct cause of her suicide without acknowledging the role bullying played in her already complicated history. I wanted a more nuanced discussion and I just didn't get that from her reporting. When I saw she'd written a larger narrative on bullying I wanted to read it because I wanted to understand more about her perspective and to see if I missed something from her earlier reporting.

Sticks and Stones tells the story of Phoebe Prince and two other kids who are the victims of bullying with different reasons and outcomes in each case. Ms. Bazelon examines the circumstances of each case from the victims' perspective, but also from the perspective of the bullies and the parents, schools, and communities struggling to deal with these issues. She tackles the subject of Internet bullying thoughtfully and with compassion pointing out that with the Internet those who are bullied have little escape. Prior to the Internet bullies couldn't necessarily come through your bedroom window, post-Internet they're everywhere. Ms. Bazelon presents information and research on bullying and on solutions that have been used by different schools to address the issue.

Sticks and Stones is good at laying out the problem in a journalistic and dispassionate manner. I liked the opportunity to hear more sides of the stories presented and liked that Ms. Bazelon didn't dehumanize the people involved. In this book I found a nuanced discussion of the Phoebe Prince case that I wanted and didn't get from Ms. Bazelon's earlier reporting.

The overall weakness of Ms. Bazelon's writing is her reportorial dispassion and distance (yes, Virginia, things that are strengths can also be weaknesses). The distance leads to an ongoing sense of a lack of compassion, a sense that she just doesn't get it and I find this a disquieting element that effects the quality of the book's narrative. Despite its weaknesses, this is a good book on the topic and I would recommend it to parents and educators who are trying to deal with this on a daily basis. I hope that with better awareness and reporting the days of teachers telling kids that if they just tried harder to fit in everything would be okay are over. Sadly, I doubt it.

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Initial reflections: This is certainly an interesting eye into the conflict of bullying that happens within schools and examines the roles and conflicts that students, parents, and educators have. The case studies I thought were well presented and balanced, alongside Bazelon's commentary on the complexities and roots of the problem - spanning from in person bullying confrontations as well as cyberbullying.

There were a few things that I didn't really see eye-to-eye with, but it didn't affect what I took away from this work, and I appreciated that Bazelon approaches bullying as the complex problem that it is. I'll probably have more to say about this in the context of the book later, and some personal reflections to note on the subject of bullying too.

Full review:

All right people, soapbox time. I'm going to start with a particularly strong assertion on the matter of bullying to start the dialogue of my reflections for "Sticks and Stones", which was a wonderful compilation of information and examples of bullying within our contemporary educational system on a multi-scale level. My commentary comes in consideration with some recent events that happened as of the current date which I'm composing this review - June 7th, 2013. The release date for this book was February 2013, so I'm a bit belated, but I think the reason I waited so long was because I struggled to find words to put to this in extension, while at the same time observing events that had every bit to do with the overarching discussion of bullying dialogue. I could evoke specifics on what recently occurred that had my blood boiling about it, but it's probably more important to note it as a significant incident in a string of related behaviors that keep going on and on with no end in sight. Reason? It comes down to the fact that there are people who do not understand the nature of their behaviors and seem unwilling to own up or learn from such measures. Such ignorance is one of the reasons why bullying continues to be misinterpreted, misconstrued, used to the point where it loses impact on how significant a problem it is, and the way it needs to be approached.

There are far too many people who take misdefine bullying to extreme points that do absolutely no justice for how it exists as a multiscale problem within our society. Quite often, there are people who view bullying as simple as a disagreement or disparate beliefs or practices that are unique to one's individual person. On the other end of the scale, there are people who view extreme angles of bullying that interfere with a child/teen's educational opportunities and social interactions, and the response by those in authoritative power turn a blind eye or, even worse, blame the victim.

In reality, there are multiple parties harmed by the existence of bullying, and Bazelon does an excellent job of illustrating the overarching definitions and approaches in "Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy." Presented as a series of case studies within the U.S. school system, this book examines bullying from a multitude of perspectives - from the victims - children, their parents, and family members, from those who are noted as "bullies" themselves and their families, as well as higher administrators in the schools and even those who act as community leaders. It shows a very challenging problem with respect to the attitudes, approaches, and resources that are meant to work against bullying, while at the same time identifying various means to solutions and demonstrations that actually DO work against bullying.

I have to agree with Bazelon in that she makes a note to examine bullying as not simply a problem on the level of examining the victim, but also the approach to dealing with the parties that bully. Reading some of these respective stories broke my heart, from the young lady who only wanted to change schools because the bullying became so bad she had to leave and do her assignments outside of school (because she couldn't even board the bus without other kids taunting her), to the boy who was bullied because he was gay, to the girl who committed suicide on behalf of bullying and a district that was torn between what to do with those who were seen as culpable in her death. And there were even more stories to consider other than those.

What I ultimately got out of this novel is that to approach bullying, you have to be able to see and approach the multiple angles.

It's not enough to simply dismiss a victim's claims as being a product of "kids being kids" or "being too sensitive".

It's not enough to simply remove the victim from the situation or punish the bully in a one time stance if that's just going to escalate the behavior further.

It's not enough to simply give the "bully" punishment without knowing the context of where that behavior's coming from and how to change the mentality.

It's not enough to think that bullies are incapable of changing, growing, and learning from their behaviors, thereby not being able to redeem themselves by being able to address the roots of where their behavior's originating. (Sometimes with bullying, as Bazelon illustrates in one part of the narrative, the bullying behavior may be reciprocating behaviors that are displayed in the home, such as in the case of domestic abuse, but it's certainly not the only case.)

It's not enough to have a lack of resources in schools to be able to deal with both in-person bullying and cyberbullying that may occur on campus or outside the campus to the point where it interferes with one's education or life pursuits.

Bazelon keeps the dialogue relevant to education and the problems among kids and teens, but I think this is a work that everyone needs to read and start larger discussions over even in the measure of our larger society (because bullying exists in other levels in our society as well, and if we're not addressing it in schools well, we have work to do on that level and beyond).

As someone speaking as a former victim of bullying, I would urge people to give consideration to what Bazelon says in the narrative here, and encourage people to not only realize that bullying is a problem in our larger society, but also that it needs to be treated with significance, with notations of the multidimensional levels of it, and that we do need empathy, understanding, and open dialogues in order to truly address it.

This was a wonderful narrative, and I only hope that more people are able to peruse it for what it offers.

Overall score: 4/5

Note: I received this as an ARC from NetGalley, from the publisher Random House.

[Pam Camel · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book did not add to the discussion of bullying at all. Of anything it was a rehash of old information and at ones felt like the author was taking the bullies side. This book also continues to pass on falsehoods. While the author mentions research it all seems to be old and outdated. When speaking of types of bullies the author goes into the idea that one type of bully the social inept and usually on the autism spectrum just continues to fear mongering and pass falsehoods on those with autism. If the author had done her research she would know people on the autism spectrum are ten times more likely to be a victim not a bully. Parts were ok but others read as a blame the victim. The parent didn't do enough or the parents did to much. I really wanted this to be something else but it just feel flat. Once the stereotypes were added it there was no redeeming the book.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

An editor and journalist with a law background, Emily Bazelon's intense examination of what bullying is today began with a series on cyberbullying in the online magazine, Slate , and culminated in a highly contentious article called "What Really Happened to Phoebe Prince?" - much of which is explored again in this book.

Bazelon has taken a refreshing, level-headed approach to a subject that in recent years, thanks to the internet and social media in particular, has become sensationalised to the point where we're throwing the word "bully" around with abandon, but without really understanding what it is anymore. The playing field, so to speak, has broadened and become more complex, and there's a definite need to reassess the terms and conditions if we're to understand what kids are enduring, or inflicting on each other, today. Thanks to the media and its ability to bring stories of bullied kids "on our computer screens and phones for all to see" [p.8], we're all taking a keener interest in what's going on, especially because of the cases of teen suicide where the deceased had been a victim of harassment or bullying.

However Bazelon isn't interested in sensationalising the stories of bullying or teen suicide; the opposite, in fact, is true. In order to be clear about what constitutes actual bullying, it must be defined, and its definition must be adhered to, because the effort to reduce bullying has sometimes negatively impacted kids, in terms of reducing the space they need to develop, mature and learn how to cope with conflict, adversity, clashing personalities and so on.

Doing this right ... means recognizing that there is truth in the old sticks-and-stones chant: most kids do bounce back from cruelty at the hands of other kids. They'll remember being bullied or being a bully; they'll also learn something useful, if painful. "Children need to encounter some adversity while growing up," says Elizabeth Englander, a psychologist who is the guru of bullying prevention in Massachusetts. "Even though it's normal for adults to want to protect them from all meanness, or to rush to their defense, there's a reason why Mother Nature has promoted the existence of run-of-the-mill social cruelty between children. It's how children get the practice they need to copy successfully with the world as adults." [p.11]

It was hard to read that so many of the negative experiences I had as a child in primary school and high school weren't actual bullying, but just "run-of-the-mill social cruelty" - it somehow diminishes, if not dismisses, the impact this had on me. I was very much like Monique McClain, the first of three case studies Bazelon presents as context for discussing the topic of bullying in its many facets: sensitive, not aggressive, not very assertive or confident, and also insecure, shy, easily intimidated and hugely hesitant. When I put it like that, it's a wonder I wasn't bullied more (I may have been all of the above, but I was also a nice kid, friendly with a sunny disposition, and many other positive adjectives - the only real bullying I received in primary school, under the definition presented in this book, concerned my weight, for which kids occasionally teased me from Kindergarten right through to grade 6, but for which my only real suffering was the suffering I inflicted on myself - hence the insecurity and lack of confidence which I spent years working on eradicating).

It's not an easy task for Bazelon to have taken on: no one who has been on the receiving end of unwanted "drama", as kids call it these days, or who has watched their kids endure it, wants to hear that it's not "real" bullying and that they need to find ways of coping and handling it that are more constructive and confidence-building. As the case of Monique showed, it didn't matter that the kids at her school just thought they were involving Monique in their drama; Monique felt she was being bullied and soon it became a fight between her mother and grandmother, and the school principle and school council, being waged at meetings and in local newspapers. None of that really helped Monique, even though that was the aim.

The old problem was that adults were too prone to look the other way when powerful kids turned on weaker ones. This, of course, still happens, but we also have a new trap to watch out for: being too quick to slap the label of bully onto some kids and the label of victim onto others. It's a kind of crying wolf, and it does damage. For one thing, calling every mean comment or hallway clash bullying breeds cynicism and sucks precious resources from the kids who need our help. For another, it turns a manageable problem into an overwhelming one. [p.298]

What Bazelon aims to do is, partly, to show that our (the adults) reactions to what our kids experience at school and online, can sometimes make things worse. She also aims to show that it's important to distinguish between "drama" and bullying because one is "run-of-the-mill social cruelty" and the other can have serious impacts on the health, safety and mental well-being of the victim of bullying. Yet she also argues that bullying alone doesn't lead to teen suicide, that it can play a part but that there are other factors at play, especially mental illness - namely, depression. This is what has earned Bazelon her strongest detractors, because it has been interpreted as "blaming the victim". Yet the way Bazelon explains it, using the case study of Phoebe Prince and "the South Hadley Six" who were charged with causing her death-by-suicide, it does seem clear that it's a much bigger issue than bullying alone can account for, and that the media's sensationalism of "bullycide" (bullying someone until they're driven to suicide) not only misrepresents the issue but may have serious negative effects on our ability to tackle the problem.

The third case study is that of Jacob Lasher, a boy who figured out he was gay when he was eleven, and later decided to come out in a flamboyant way - at a school in the town of Mohawk, New York, "a place that feels more Midwest than East Coast, and a little slow-moving", where nearly all the students are white and the "climate was less forgiving" of anything not "normal" [pp.58-9]. Jacob first experienced "low-level harassment" and ended up being bullied repeatedly, often violently. Many, including the parents of his most persistent bully, Aaron, saw Jacob as the guilty one, the one who provokes others and harasses them to the point where they fight back. The school principal was unsympathetic, and Jacob eventually approached a legal aid group who encouraged him to take the school to court.

Using the three case studies of Monique, Jacob and Phoebe, Bazelon provides not only three very different scenarios for context, but also avenues through which to discuss the broader issues. She delves into studies that have been conducted around the world, current research and statistics, interviews psychologists as well as the victims of bullying and bullies, and explores why people bully others, as well as some of the effective solutions that schools are having success with today. As a child, I figured out for myself that some kids bully for power, and others out of insecurity and a need for power. It's a simplistic picture but it gave me not only some comfort, but also an explanation that defused the impact of their words and behaviour on my own psyche: words and actions affected me less because I saw them not as real critiques on my character or appearance etc., but as reflections of their own insecurities and an attempt to look strong to hide those insecurities from others. Understanding this made a big difference, and I think openly discussing this aspect of bullying with young children definitely helps. It helps not only the weaker sort, but also those who may become bullies of one kind or another; it helps build empathy, and also self-awareness.

And those are the ideas I'd like to leave you with: character and empathy. Most of the time, the old adage that adversity makes us stronger does hold true. We have to watch out for the kids whose internal makeup means they are the exceptions, but we also have to give the majority of teenagers the space to prove the rule. We have to be there for them, ad we have to stand aside. We have to know when to swoop in and save them, and when they have to learn to save themselves. And we have to make tricky decisions about the gray area in between those two poles.

We also have to instill in kids the paramount value of kindness - to show them that it's more important to come together than to finish first, that other people's feelings can take precedence over one's own, that relationships can matter more than tasks.

These are tall mountains to climb - don't I know it. These days, we have to make decisions about how much freedom to give our kids on two planes: the physical and the virtual. I sometimes fear that parents go too far in confining kids' real-world exploration - and then do little or nothing to track their travels online. And so kids strike out on their own where they can, including on their phones and on the Internet. [p.305]

With an entire chapter on the inner workings of Facebook - a secretive realm where Bazelon was granted unprecedented access - we can learn a lot about how social media works, and how kids are using it. For it's true: bullying is an old problem in a new world. The stakes seem so much higher because of the connection the media has loudly made between bullying and suicide, but perhaps we should instead say that the stakes seem so much higher simply because the audience is so much larger: a humiliating, mean message is posted to Facebook and potentially thousands of people can read it, as opposed to the one or two eye-witnesses of an attack on school property. It has also changed the scope because now, so much bullying - or an extension of it - happens online, outside school property and the ability of schools to do anything about it. Still, as Bazelon shows, the onus is placed on schools to "fix" the problem (and then not provided any funding to do it). This book has a clear American focus, and she's talking about American schools, but still the problem is a broader one. I appreciated that Bazelon takes the time to point to parents too, as people who should be responsible for the behaviour of their kids.

Several years ago I read Rosalind Wiseman's Queen Bees and Wannabes , which also talked about girls learning gossipy, judgemental behaviour from listening to how their parents talk. It's a simple, straight-forward truism for the majority of us. Watching my own two-year-old grow and develop, it's blatantly apparent how much he learns from me and his father. If we want him to be polite and friendly and cooperative etc., we have to show him what that looks like. There's not much use in telling your kid: "Be polite!" but never demonstrate politeness (or to demonstrate the opposite). Just yesterday, in the playground, my husband witnessed a case in point: a little boy, perhaps four years old, made a rude declaration about our toddler while standing behind him on the slide. The mother was embarrassed and apologetic to my husband, saying her boy was going through a bit of a phase. She then took him in hand and proceeded to shout at him, yelling things like "You will NOT do that again, do you hear me?" and so on. Now, obviously I don't know these people or what they're going through in their own lives, but bullying your kid to not be a bully is never an affective method of teaching your child anything. It's right up there with using violence to "teach them a lesson" and be good, obedient (read: scared shitless) kids (Michael and Debi Pearl make me so unbelievably angry I can't even begin to express it).

With Sticks and Stones, Emily Bazelon has rather bravely taken on a very complex issue, one that I had always assumed was fairly black-and-white. I learned a lot from this book, which raises just as many questions for an ongoing dialogue as it answers - because there isn't a simple easy fix. This book is not the beginning and end of an understanding of the subject, but one instalment in an ongoing body of research - one that deftly and comprehensively brings together and makes accessible a vast body of research and opinion. Bazelon has an incredibly effortless writing style that is highly readable, and the way she has structured the book as a whole works exceedingly well in making it readable. The depth of research and the complexity of it all - Bazelon juggles it smoothly and manages to cover so much without tripping over herself, never losing the reader or overwhelming them with too much at once. Not only is the writing clear and clean and easy to read, but it has the added layer of emotional depth. Much of this book will have you tied up in knots, intellectually and emotionally. There was a part that made me cry, and many others that made me weep inside. There were times when I felt such furious rage, and such a strong protective surge, that it made me feel like I was right there, experiencing what these kids experienced. That's empathy, and compassion, and the fact that I've had some experience with being on the receiving end and it did make me stronger, and build character, aids in that understanding which I brought to my reading of this book.

I can see why some find Bazelon's arguments contentious, or controversial. It stems from that same uncertainty and self-doubt that resides in us when we are new parents and many, not all, seek out some kind of guidebook that clearly lays out the rules, the steps, the formula, the method for looking after a baby, that same distrust not just in our own instincts but in others' ability to understand the needs of our child (and yet trust a book!). Bazelon, as the quote above shows, has trust in us adults and parents to be able to distinguish between real bullying and schoolground drama, to know when to step in and when to be quietly supportive, when to take it to the next level and when to give kids the space to work it out for themselves. And that scares the crap out of people. Not only do parents and teachers etc. feel doubt in their own abilities to do this, but we have a general lack of trust in the abilities of others to do so too - something we learn from experience, and the many examples of being let down.

It reminds me of the first time I took a First Aid/CPR course, and the instructor talked about how many times people don't go to the aid of someone having a heart attack etc., because they're terrified they'll do something wrong and make it worse, because they're not 100% sure of what to do, on an intellectual level. The existence of religions and religious texts like the Bible show us that, as a species, we humans yearn or feel a need for a guidebook to life in general, to be told in simple steps how to live, what to do, how to punish others. Bazelon's book is certainly no guide, not in that sense. But it is educational, and it is a guide in a broader sense (and in a practical one: the chapter on solutions offers real world examples of schools that have produced positive results in their methods of tackling bullying); one that expects you the reader to meet it halfway, bringing with you your own experiences, education, intellect, ability to think and reason and of course your empathy. It is a book that not only educates you on the topic through excellent investigative journalism, but expands your own thinking on it, your own understanding and opinions. You might not agree with everything Bazelon says, or the perspective she takes, but it is always worth hearing other sides to a story - because every story has two sides, even if we don't like one of them. As a parent and an educator, Sticks and Stones provided me with much food for thought, a great deal of insight and a wealth of fine detail into a very complex issue that is perhaps more relevant today than it's ever been before.

[Mathew Walls · Rating 1 out of 5]

Disappointing. The first two parts of the books are set out in a way that makes them hard to follow, with three real life stories of bullying split over six chapters, with the second part of each story appearing in part two of the book so you have time to forget who was who and what was going on before you get back to it. Also it seems that Bazelon struggles to connect the points she wants to make to the stories she's relating. The third part is the weakest though, as it seems really unfocused and meandering, and she doesn't seem to back up a lot of what she says and ends up with a very weak conclusion that comes across as basically "I dunno, maybe Facebook could be more pro-active about stopping bullying?" Basically I feel like there wasn't really much information in this book, and what was there wasn't presented in a way that made any sort of point, other than "bullying is bad and we should probably do something about it but also there are other problems too."

[George Pal · Rating 1 out of 5]

I will admit: no, i did not read this book, nor do I even intend to. But I have read Bazelon's articles about the Phoebe Prince tragedy, which were decidedly biased in favor of the perpetrators. Moreover, Ms. Bazelon somehow managed to get her filthy little hands on confidential medical records pertaining to Phoebe's mental health, as if to prove her agenda that Phoebe killed Phoebe, not the bullies. With all that said, it speaks volumes as to the credibility, or should we say the lack thereof, as an anti-bullying advocate. So, please do yourselves a huge favor, and stay away from this drivel like the plague.

[Julie G · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are a lot of things to take away from this book; much to absorb. Bullying is nothing new. Even though society didn't acknowledge it until very recently, it has existed in fiction for generations, going back to the 1800s. Remember Nellie in the Little House on the Prairie books?

Throughout the three stories Bazelon details, there are patterns: trouble, escalation, and a search for solutions. Consistently, the author seeks to answer the question: How do you address bullying, create an orderly school climate? Not all schools have serious problems; not all systems are as deeply troubled as Old Mill Middle North, for example.

There are a lot of things to take away from this book (it bears repeating) - for parents, educators, and administrators. And the media. Sensationalizing the situation is of no benefit; overstating the statistics only serves to incite panic and engender broad overreaction to what is, quite frequently, average early-teen drama.

A normal developmental stage.

As Bazelon documents, bullying peaks in middle school, lessens in high school, and virtually disappears by college. That's not to say that it completely disappears - we all know bullying adults. But the peer-group benefits of such behavior diminishes dramatically with age.

Notably, and happily, Bazelon's work also sheds some light on technology's involvement in modern-day bullying: The Internet and cell phones do not cause bullying, they are an extension of what is probably already occurring face-to-face.

As expected, this is not an easy book to get through. If you've ever not fit in or, worse yet, been involved in bullying, it's like an immediate flashback to those times in your life. It is vivid, it is honest, and it spares no details.

Happily, it also seeks viable definitions, ideas, and remedies. The most fascinating, to me, was that of George Sugai. Without going into great detail, it focuses on healing, as it were, the system. Creating a healthy environment for the majority, his model allows the minority, who are truly troubled, to get the support they need.

Well-researched and extremely well-written, I highly recommend this book for anyone involved in the raising and educating of today's kids and teens. Including the students themselves.

~*~*~

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary electronic galley of this book from the publisher through NetGalley.com professional readers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.

[Anne Hawn Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very balanced and informative. The author chose 3 very good examples of bullying to study in depth. The children's stories were compelling and Brazlon did not follow the general practice of demonizing the bullies and sanctifying the bullied. She also did not fall into the trap of making the schools the culprit either. In some cases, the school was insensitive, but in general, they were doing the best they could to tackle the problem.

This is a very complex problem and there are not any easy answers. Brazelon did address one part of the problem that I have never seen in print. There is a left over problem from the fuzzy-headed thinking of the past 30 years which sanctifies children..."Let the children teach us." "Listen to the wisdom of the children." "My children are my heroes." Children are essentially selfish when they come into the world and they have to be taught how to care about others. Scores of instructions from my childhood come back to me: "How would you feel if someone did that to you?" "What if everyone did that?" "Just because so and so does that, do you have to?" "Either the girl is your friend and you are loyal to her, or you have to stop hanging out with her until someone better comes around." All those examples are what our parents and teachers tried to teach us, knowing that it does not come naturally to put others needs before our own. Children need to be taught to be empathetic and altruistic. They don't always come by it naturally. It is the job of the parents, but if they don't do it then the schools have to step in. It makes me cringe to add another burden to the schools, but it has to be done.

In the final chapters, Bazelon gives information on several programs which have worked and pages of resources. The book is an excellent resource for anyone who has to deal with children as well as anyone who just wants to understand the problem and be a part of the solution.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This would be great for a book club…

Sticks and Stones helped me to think about my role as a social worker, volunteer crisis counselor, and maybe-someday parent. There are reviews here that poke at the problems with the book – mostly Emily Bazelon’s narrative – but I also want to emphasize that this narrative is still important and very worthwhile, which I discuss below.

Since it shouldn’t be overlooked, let’s start with a central problem. Sticks and Stones is a blend of stories, research, and reflections – it creates a narrative that reminded me of Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen, which was one of my favorite reads last year. Unsurprisingly, this kind of narrative can be problematic, especially when it becomes a situation where stories seem to be told for the people in them. Bazelon talks with students, parents, school administrators, community members, researchers, and people in business so that the stories can resemble more of their true complexities. However, as one person whose story is in this book stated in their Goodreads review, the story was still under the control of Bazelon’s narrative, sometimes to the point of leaving information out that was important to the person in the story. For this reason, we can’t lean back when reading Sticks and Stones, accepting everything shared as the reality of how it happened. Bazelon’s narrative is still important when helping us to think critically about bullying and related problems, but it shouldn’t be confused with the characters’ own voices.

I also had a few issues with wording used in the book, such as “commit suicide” instead of “complete suicide,” though it could be that this type of language modification hadn’t happened yet when this was written. Even so, that language is important – maybe it is time for a 2nd edition.

These are consequential imperfections in the book, but there is a lot to praise, too. For example, there were numerous themes that are important for us to think about:

1) In most cases, both people who are bullied and people who bully are deeply impacted by experiences of bullying. It’s only half the coin to focus solely on the people who are bullied.

2) We need to look critically at own reactive responses of wanting revenge against kids who bully and whether it is preventing us from seeing and addressing roots of the problem and from effectively helping anyone (bullied and bullies).

3) The problem of bullying is impacted not only by actions of kids but also by the poorly-informed actions or passivity of adults and social systems (school administrations, policing, state laws, etc). – this was a big one!

4) Bullying is characterized and perpetuated by social structures far bigger than we sometimes see, such as socially-enforced gender norms.

5) There is often more going on in cases of bullying than simply kids being mean to each other to maintain a social hierarchy – it is essential to also look at and think about social environments.

6) Some of the most holistic, effective efforts of resisting bullying happen when whole communities commit to it and act as leaders.

There is more to be said for all of these areas, and certainly important points beyond what I have listed, in the pages of the book. One of my favorite aspects of the book is how Bazelon repeatedly calls our attention to layers, complexities, and questions that may be inexplicable and invites us to not take sides but instead let those complexities guide our critical thinking.

[Victoria · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book seems already outdated. When it comes to internet activity and cyber bullying none of the things discussed were all that shocking, it was just the fact that all of the adults in these stories were shocked or just had no idea about how social media worked that made me raise an eyebrow. I found that the book offered a window to a very specific section of America and did a deep dive into the dynamics of specific schools and their students without much of an overview about what the core factors of dealing with bullying or bullies are. I also found it very awkward in the audiobook version I listened to, to hear an adult reading out some 12 year old girl's fight on facebook, the word-for-word recount of internet postings was overall really cringy, as well as the audiobook readers inconsistent attempts at the accents of various people interviewed (including Irish, Swedish, and African-American vernacular English). Although it highlights some truly frustrating and painful stories of bullying it does very little to educate or analyze the psychology of bullying as I had hoped it would.

[Abby · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bazelon offered NO solutions to "defeat the culture of bullying and rediscover the power of character and empathy". She did show empathy to the person who is doing the bullying - and that is fine because the bully needs to be educated in a different behavior, But she seemed to be putting up a resistance to showing empathy for the victims of bullying. She failed to delve into how to re-calibrate the balance of power between the bullied and the bullying, or offer ways to communicate that concept in the schools. The last half of the book was quite a slog. I'm sure there are better books out there. Skip this one. Especially if you have a child who is being bullied.

[Frrobins]

If you have been bullied, I would strongly recommend not reading this book. It is triggering and it minimizes and justifies the abuse that we suffered.

After reading the prologue I had to think long and hard about whether I wanted to continue with this book. I was bullied in elementary school, and a lot of what was written in the prologue was triggering in a way that it echoed what adults told me to excuse, minimize and justify what was happening. While I've grown up to be successful, I am a Masters Level Counselor who specializes in trauma, I firmly believed I achieved this in spite of what happened to me and not because of it. With my background in abuse and trauma and my personal experience, let me break down what I objected to.

1. The author asserting that it's true that words will never hurt. First, bullying includes physical and sexual acts. And it escalates from verbal to physical or sexual if bullies get away with verbal bullying. Second, even if this does not happen, when you talk to people who survived physical abuse, they will usually say what hurt the most was not the physical pain but the emotional pain that results from not being humiliated, overpowered, ostracized, and being verbally abused. Third, like a lot of people who were bullied, I now have an autoimmune disorder. This is where you've internalized stress to the point that your immune system goes haywire and starts attacking your body. Every day for several years as a kid I lived with tremendous stress to the point where my immune system is now overactive. I had psychosomatic symptoms. I went to an environment where I did not feel safe five days a week. Stress is not just mental, it takes a physical toll on us as well (this is well documented). A toll I am still paying for decades later and will likely shorten my lifespan and already impacts my quality of life. That words will never hurt us is FALSE and I was stunned to see her minimizing the impact this takes on people who have been victimized by bullying. Verbal abuse hurts. Period.

2. The author's assertion that if bullying has survived through the generations it must have an adaptive function. What she posits is adversity. Let me be clear. There is a difference between healthy adversity versus being in an environment where you are abused every day. And you can have healthy adversity in childhood without the latter. There are many things that survive that don't have an adaptive function. While I wholeheartedly accept evolution one of the biggest misconceptions about evolution is that every adaptation that has survived contributes to our survival in some way. Some things that arise are accidental (breast development seems to be what happens in response to hormones, it doesn't have any adaptive value for instance). Other things arise that aren't beneficial, may even be harmful, but not harmful to the point where they impact our ability to survive as a species. Child abuse comes to mind.

3. The author's assertion that some people who are bullied turn out okay. As someone who works in trauma, I often hear people minimize and justify abusing their children with statement such as, "my dad beat the **** out of me, and look at me, I turned out fine!" First, I would quarrel with many of these people's definitions of "fine" but second, we don't have the person who was raised without violence that they could have been to compare them to. While it is not possible to have this, I would still bet good money that someone raised without abuse is going to be healthier and more successful on every measure than someone who did. Even if the person who was abused is successful and well adjusted, they likely would be healthier and more well adjusted had they grown up in a loving and healthy environment. What happened in the past happened is the past and I can't change that, but any lessons on empathy I learned I could have been better gotten through books, and the legacy of what enduring that has left me is something I'd much rather not have. And this is from someone who turned out "fine." And it is NOT something I want future generation to endure.

4. Do not ever, EVER tell a kid who is being bullied that the people hurting them have a bad home life unless you are going to spend a lot more time about how this does NOT in any way justify or excuse what happens to them. I was treated horribly every day at school and I did not sink to those kid's level. I did not use my pain as an excuse to hurt someone else. Meanwhile, when people would tell me that the person hurting me was hurting, what I heard was that their pain was more important than mine and justified and excused the way they were treating me. It seemed like more of a way to get me to shut up than to give me what I needed, which was understanding, an acknowledgement that what I was going through was painful and unacceptable, and a safe place to grow.

While I do believe that we have to understand why bullies bully to fix the problem (because the bullies are the problem, not the victims), and while I do believe that interventions for people who bully need to happen in a trauma informed context that does not shame and belittle them, we can do that without putting the onus on the victims to be better than their tormentors and to wave away their hurt by saying, "well the person who hurt you is hurting." The cycle has to stop somewhere.

Basically after reading the prologue I was sick of hearing all of the minimizing and triggering B.S. I'd heard growing up and had to think about whether or not I wanted to continue, because it is an important topic and there was some good stuff in the prologue. But I read many reviews saying that the author justifies bullying often that leads me to conclude that if I continue it will be more of the same. And basically, in this era where we have trump in the news constantly because he is bullying someone, I am already perpetually triggered, and I can't escape the news. So I decided I did not need to put myself through the ordeal of reading this book because it is not something I have to endure. I lived through this in childhood, I don't need to re-live it.

If your interest is academic, perhaps this may be something worth reading. If you have been bullied, bear in mind your needs and whether or not it would be healthy for you to read this. Either way keep in mind that the author perpetuates a lot of things that perpetuate and excuse bullying rather early on in the prologue and seek out the voices and experience of people who have endured this to counteract it.

[Labmom · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel slightly better informed but no less uneasy after having read this book. Not surprisingly, Facebook doesn't much care about its site being used for bullying because to do so goes against its business model (personal information, "likes," etc. drive ad revenue). And most schools/police departments/parents are clueless at best and negligent at worst.

Two facts in the author's reporting disturbed me most, and seemed absolutely incredulous to me. The African-American student profiled in the book as a victim of bullying who was forced to leave her school(she received almost no help from her school administration or school board) was only allowed a transfer to a local magnet school after the author, a double Yale grad and 5th Circuit clerk, called up her Eli buddy who just happened to be the new state Commissioner of Education. Lucky for her, but not for every other minority kid who is bullied and isn't fortunate enough to know a well-connected Ivy League white lady to come to her rescue.

And there's the story of the white, charismatic, former-football player principal who almost single-handedly turned a mostly minority school rife with gangs, weapons and drugs into a serene one full of respectful high achieving students. But that superhuman principal's kid doesn't go there - he attends a more affluent school across town.

How did these racist, hypocritical examples get by the editor? Or go unnoticed in book reviews in the NYT and WSJ? Am I the only reader who thinks the author made the opposite point of what she was aiming for with these examples? Which is that until bullying becomes a problem for the deciders and top percentage of students/parents/administrators, it's not going to get any better. And although she does rightly address that schools need to teach kindness and empathy, she doesn't ask how underfunded public schools can possibly find the time or money to teach such subjects not covered on standardized tests.

[Stephen Cook · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a big fan of kids not being bullied (who isn't?) I read this book in the hopes of doing exactly what the title touted: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy.

It started with several chapters, each one following the life of a person being bullied - mostly in school. We read a lot about in-person bullying and cyber-bullying. We read a lot about the missteps that administrators, parents, and law enforcement made. The stories were often gut-wrenching.

That's not why I was reading the book, though. I already understand WHAT bullying is and the many forms that it takes. I already realize that those people that are in charge often don't see or don't recognize bullying behaviors. I get it. I'm interested in solutions. Which, I don't get until nearly 200 pages into the book. Which, in my opinion, was way too far.

Reading the individual stories was entertaining, and there was even an attempt to well-round the stories so it wasn't just a "picked on kid whining". There were many alternative viewpoints to the situations, which I appreciate. But the first 200 pages of the book danced around the solutions. It was way too long of a teaser for me. I didn't need to see proof of the problem, I wanted to see what solutions worked. I had to skim over a hundred pages to get there. Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I skimmed an awful lot of the bully stories. Not because there weren't interesting. Not because they weren't true. But because it's not why I was reading the book. For me, the solutions came too late.

[Wayne McCoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that succeeds in addressing the social issue of bullying in a rational, coherent way. Emily Bazelon combines journalism with compassion in a way that remains unbiased, rational and sympathetic.

Three case studies are presented in the course of the book that show different aspects of bullying. Two are somewhat typical cases and one was a higher profile case. Two are victims, while one was accused of bullying. All aspects are fairly presented. Bullying has been around a long time, but now with social media, the victims seemingly have no escape. Schools are also required to intercede more and provide training in social norms. Emily also visits schools with successful anti-bullying programs and visits the headquarters of Facebook to see what they are doing (or not doing) about bullying complaints. The role of parents is also addressed. After all, we shouldn't have to leave it all up to the schools to teach conduct to our children, right?

Can a school intercede and punish based on an internet post made from a location outside of the school? What should parents, educators and students be doing? What is bullying and what is not? These are a few of the many questions asked in the course of the book.

The book concludes with FAQs and resource lists with sections aimed at students, parents and educators. This can only be of great help to anyone in one of these situations, and makes the book a valued resource. It's so refreshing to read something that addresses a social issue in such a clearheaded way.

[Emma · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book gives good insights into why kids bully and suggestions as to how to handle bullying. I found the stories of the three teenagers very interesting and upsetting. I definitely was angry with the bullies, but I also found myself angry with the bullies' parents a lot, which doesn't surprise me since children can turn out like their parents. There were moments that I read about the parents where I wanted to actually rip the book up because I was so frustrated and angry (the only other book I've wanted to rip up was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix because of Umbridge). Bazelon does a good job of giving advice and resources and tackles all the different kinds of bullying, including cyberbullying. The one issue I did not agree with her on is that she says bullying is a rite of passage and is sometimes necessary for kids to learn how to defend themselves. I know she doesn't think kids should be showered with hate speech every day, but I think there is no excuse and no reasoning for bullying. Kids can learn to stand up for themselves without being bullied. Bullying is such a strong sense of hate, and no child should have to go through it. Bazelon even says she would not trade her own experiences of being bullied for anything. I completely disagree. I would have been much happier if I wasn't bullied, and I am not the person I am today because of bullying. Other than that, it's a very interesting read.

[Karin Calde · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Sticks and Stones, Emily Bazelon does a commendable job staying objective. She researches the stories of three kids who have been bullied, showing that bullying is typically much more complicated than it seems on the surface. As she explains, the media tend to portray these cases in very black-and-white terms, which is not an accurate reflection of the facts. She describes the different types of bullies and victims, showing how in many cases, the victims are not entirely blameless and bring their own personal histories to the interactions that influence their responses to the bullying.

Bazelon examines how reactions to bullying can exacerbate or help the problem. She shows how some schools (and parents) make things much worse, but also how others have instituted very successful anti-bullying programs (think long-term). She also goes into some depth about social media, and how one giant social media organization can do much more to help those who fall victim to cyberbullying. She points out how teenagers are big money makers for this company, given teens' tech-savy, yet "judgment poor" brains. Although their aren't a lot of tips specifically for parents, she does offer some guidance and resources.

This book resists the temptation that so many other give in to: it does not sensationalize or take sides. It gives a balanced view that can help people gain a much better understanding of bullying at a time when there is a lot of misinformation available.

[Clair Bolthouse · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bullying is changing the way teenagers’ act, especially if they have been bullied. Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy by Emily Bazelon. She not only tells the facts of bullying, but personal stories as well.

Emily takes us through the specific stories of Monique, Jacob, and Flannery, three middle school students. She writes how each was affected by the bullying that was forced upon them, and what they did to stop it. Along the way, Emily adds in lots of facts and studies about bullying. This is very useful information to tuck away into your head.

I thought that this book was O.K, but was definitely not my favorite. Sometimes it was hard to understand what Emily was saying, due to my small vocabulary range. However, it was interesting to hear about bullying stories such as Monique, Jacob, and Flannery. I thought that it was horrific how cruel kids could be, and what they were capable of.

This book would be a good read for adults. Preferably people that have children in high school or middle school. This way they can understand what some kids have to go through and can help their child understand too.

[Lawrence Lewis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Marketed as a book about it being tough to grow up in today’s culture, but it was really a book about it being tough to grow up gay in the public school system, after announcing you are gay early in high school. No surprise there. High school teenagers aren’t the most empathetic group to begin with. Then a male demonstrates feminine tendencies when the other boys are trying to understand their masculinity and there will be conflict.

I especially love how the parents with no money for private school and no stomach for home schooling have all the answers for the public school administrators. My wife and I home schooled until eighth grade and then paid for private prep school for high school, primarily because I don’t have the answers for the public school administrators. So, I assume the book was NOT written for me.

One of the few books in the last fifty that I regret purchasing on audible. The book could have easily been about school administrators who have an impossible job to do.

I enjoyed Charged, while knowing it was incorrect, because it constructed theories on 2-3 outlier cases. As a criminal defense attorney for 20+ years, I know why things happen in the criminal justice system. I also know the erroneous reasons people provide for why they happened.

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I came into this book with low expectations, so I wasn't too disappointed when it wasn't great. Bullying is a difficult topic to cover, especially when you bring up the fact that the victims aren't always without blame. This is something that Bazelon did well - diplomatically discussing that often, the victims of bullying are contributing to the problem in some ways. Bazelon does not suggest that this excuses bullies, but that it gives researchers and those who deal with bullying a different perspective to look from.
That being said, I don't feel like this book brought anything new to the table. It definitely made me aware of several stories of bullying in schools and how parents, teachers, and students handled these situations, but I don't feel like I finished this book with any better ideas about handling bullying or stopping it. Nor do I feel more empowered to stand up for bullying in local schools. Perhaps this attitude will change when I have children of my own, but I feel that this book could do a lot more good as a guide for dealing with bullying rather than an expose.

[Kathy Holland · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bullying has existed in fiction because it has existed in our culture since the beginning of human interaction. In today's world, it is so important for parents to foster and maintain a connection with their children, to create and continue a deep sense of family, responsibility to each other and to society. Bazelon's book presents case studies that reflect what a complicated, multi-faceted issue bullying is. As a retired upper-middle school teacher, I applaud the schools that have taken an initiative to put proactive programs into their curricula, and have taken steps to recognize students who need the extra step, intervention, counseling. Parents, monitor your children's communications! Know what they are doing! And, schools, learn the difference between bullying and drama--don't dismiss either one!

[Bridgid · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bazelon conducted thorough research, asked tough and thoughtful questions, and offers nuanced analysis of the perceived epidemic of bullying among teenagers. The teens she follows are portrayed without judgement and as whole beings, rather than facile archetypes of sloppy journalism or judgmental community members. Bazelon differentiates between bullying and drama, and notes the importance of not mislabeling bullies as well as giving teens room to navigate social struggles for their own personal development. She also offers evidence-based models to combat bullying and an extensive bibliography and other resources. This should be required reading for parents, education policy makers, and education journalists. Adults might also look at their own tendencies to bully or aggressiveness on the internet or the fascination with reality television before they blame youth culture.

[wade · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book that every teacher, counselor, administrator and parent of children should read. It takes the problem of bullying head on and looks at it from every angle including the bully's point of view. It is also a book with some promising approaches to reducing bullying including the one I liked best in which teachers start in kindergarten and reinforce the message with each passing year as the kids go through school. The one slight weakness in the book is I have read that many times bullies are bullied themselves by parents and siblings at home and she gives very little play to this. In general, the bullies parents got off easy in this book. But on the whole, the book is very good and should be read by anyone who deals with children.

[Naomi · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have to say that I found this book to be less than mediocre on the topic and focused more like an extended magazine article, complete with victim accounts, rather than a book on a serious social issue that brings solutions to the table.

Now, I have to say that this author went in with a VERY CLEAR political agenda. She is an editor for Slate magazine so I realize that would be like asking a tiger not to hunt, but it was really inappropriate in this book. She totally bypassed serious sociological influences in the home to bash Republicans (yep, shocking I know).

As I said, this book was much more written as an article in her magazine versus being written as a credible source on the topic.

[Cyndie Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book that made me 20 times LESS terrified to someday become a parent. I grew up with instant messaging and was fortunate enough to have experienced little to no internet bullying or harassment. So the thought of helping my future children navigate this mindfield was terrifying. Ms. Bazelon helps sparse out what is really bullying and what is teenage social drama, how students and parents can counter this, and how we all can help pressure social media sites and local governments to provide the resources needed to prevent bullying and to help students who are most vulnerable from its effects.

Overall seemed to be a very well balanced book with a thoroughly researched, well balanced view of this topic.

[Kaia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I absolutely recommend NOT reading this book. Not only is it now outdated in regards to how teenagers bully each other (especially online) it is rather patronizing towards the problems that children face.

Ms. Bazelon, senior girls and freshman girls in high school are worlds apart- conflict between them DOES involve a power differential, and therefore cannot be written off as simple "drama."

I'm disappointed, honestly, reading the cover of the book gave me a lot of hope and I think in her attempt to not completely villainize bullies Bazelon overcorrects and ends up seemingly blaming victims for their positions.

It's hard for me to rate a book this low, but I really do think it was that bad.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a must-read for anyone concerned about or thinking about bullying -- both that of the teen variety (explored here) and more broadly. A lot of food for thought on what does and doesn't count as bullying and what the consequences may or may not be. I give Bazelon great credit for being objective and offering insight into what happens when the answers SEEM like they're clear but they are not.

Good resources and good discussion, as well as highly readable. But it's not all anecdote, though it's the anecdotes which anchor the book.

[Jacob · Rating 2 out of 5]

Important topic. Boring and unoriginal exposition of it. I actually have a minor crush on Emily Bazelon, mostly due to her appearances on the Colbert Report, and I've really enjoyed her stuff on Slate. I had high hopes for this book, especially because it concerns an underreported issue that is near to my professional work. Unfortunately, this whole thing feels like Emily stretched a 2,000 word assignment for Slate into an entire book. If you are interested in this subject, you are much better off watching the documentary film 'Bully' and reading any companion stuff you can find for it.