Don't Forgive Too Soon: Extending the Two Hands That Heal

by Matthew Linn, Sheila Fabricant Linn, Dennis Linn

Shows how to forgive in an active, healthy way by moving through a five-step process that renounces vengeance and retaliation but is not passive or self-abusive in any way.

Genres: Religion, Spirituality, Theology, Nonfiction, Christian, Self Help, Psychology

144 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 1997

Reviews

[Lisal Kayati Roberts · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a sweet, quick read full of great practices for learning to forgive. Using the same formula for the stages of grief - it gives simple, clear information in a fun, kind of comic strip format. It helped me to process a difficult situation in my life with a light touch. A great resource for any family, but it references Bible verses, so it is definitely in the Christian reader genre.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A little goofy in spots, especially the illustrations, but basically very very good. A very nice alternative to the typical Christian position of "never get mad, forgive everybody for everything instantly, and work at it every day," which in my practice as a counselor I've seen do more damage than good. I especially like the reinterpretation of Jesus' admonition to turn the other cheek, which winds up being about nonviolent resistance instead of being a doormat.

In the fifth grade I finally got other kids to stop bullying me by using sarcasm and humor against them. (Where do adults get the idea that ignoring a classroom full of bullies is going to work?) I would snicker and say something like, "Is that the best you can do?" or "That's so funny I forgot to laugh." That's sort of turning the other cheek, in a way.

[Devon · Rating 2 out of 5]

The premise of this book is to consider approaching the act of forgiveness similarly to the process of grieving. That there are stages which we must go through and that our feelings of unforgiveness actually reveal which stage we are stuck in - bargaining, denial, anger, depression and acceptance. It’s a helpful concept. Honestly, I didn’t love the book. If you are a friend of mine, and Christian, and reading this now, my recommended book for a topic like this would be Andy Stanley’s Enemies of the Heart. However, it’s been over a week and I find myself still thinking of the things I read in this book. So perhaps it deserves a better review from me after all.

[Shireen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I tried to read this book over a decade ago. I took a year and remembered nothing of it because my brain injury had destroyed my ability to read and learn and outpatient reading rehab had sold me on strategies that don't restore reading or even help it. I tried again after I received treatments to repair some of my broken neurons and give me back my concentration. No dice. You see, reading is probably the most complex and complicated cognitive skill and little understood. I tried again and gave up.

Then I improved enough to finally force, uh, persuade, my neurodoc to help me get back my reading and to think up how to restore it. For this book, I read it out loud with two different people six days out of seven in staggered succession, meaning I began reading it with one person then a few weeks later began reading with the other. We read out loud, them to me, me to them. I did short-term recall of what we'd just read. I tried doing long-term recall with the first person as we progressed. And we discussed the concepts. All this work worked!

Today as I and the second person reading with me finished up, I recalled a concept that the Linns had highlighted several chapters earlier. I was able to see how they laid out the five stages of forgiveness and how they progressed from theory to examples to their own experiences to how we the reader can transition through the stages when we try to forgive. I have not been able to tie things together like this before! I also recall the key concept about "turning the other cheek" that I had failed over and over again to remember. This saying does not mean what we think it means. In Jesus's day, it had an entirely different meaning. To learn what he truly meant and to adopt it, is challenging. But the Linns lay out clearly and with hope that we can do it.

For me, the best part of this book is their compassionate and realistic take on forgiveness. It's not something that we must do else be shamed; it's something we can do while recognizing our own humanity, the transgressor's humanity and while giving ourselves the time we need to come up with a creative solution to heal the wounds and thus forgive. Their experiences teach us forgiveness is not easy or swift. And sometimes it's not fully possible. But that's OK.

[Lori Capri · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a therapist and having been raised in a Christian home, I’ve always had trouble with the concept of Forgiveness. It seemed like “turning the other cheek” meant we should continue to take the abuse that others dish out or to enable abusers to escape consequences. I work hard to empower clients to feel stronger and more confident, to stop feeling like the victim. So I’ve tried to avoid talking about Forgiveness except to suggest that people don’t need to forgive unless they feel they are ready for that.

This book has a fantastic title which immediately caught my attention! I had read “Healing the Eight Stages of life” by the same authors, many years ago and loved it! I believe that many adults have difficulties in the present because of hurts and neglect that happened during one or more developmental stages. They can become stuck in that stage, not able to mature out of it. I was looking it up to refer it to a client, and saw “Don’t Forgive Too Soon”. I immediately ordered it and read it over 3 days, highlighting many parts. I’ll have to read some parts again, but it has opened my mind and heart that I may be able to help support others as they work through their pain.

Thank you to the Linns for giving us your insight and guidance! Though I call myself Agnostic now, instead of Christian, I wanted to see what the Linns had to say about the traditional Christian concept of Forgiveness. I thought they did a great job and gave some good examples. I would like to see more stories of people who endured years of emotional and/or physical abuse and how they could go through the stages to have a better outcome.

[Alina de Teresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read and have in every household. Learning to forgive oneself and each other is necessary for a truly happy life. I gave mine away to a friend that needs it, but will be getting another one to have at home.

[Diane · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is short and simple, but sound. The Linn's books are like this: deceptively simple, with profound thought underneath. Helped me to think what is involved in true forgiveness, and also to reflect on yourself as well as others.

[Ciara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gave a shel Silverstein vibe with the drawings which was fun. Dives into some biblical theology and perspective on forgiveness, while going through the stages of grief. Easy and quick read. Practical concise and thoughtful.

[Jason Hobbs · Rating 5 out of 5]

Frequently recommended for folks with difficult family histories.

[James · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is the fourth book by the Linns I've read. I don't really love their writing style and some of their illustrations are God awful (i.e. there is an illustration here about their need to process forgiving and doing non-violent resistance with a $3.50 lunch buffet because their salad bar was sub par). They say somethings well and I can see how some of their insights can be helpful.

The problem with this book is that it tries to do too much. By saying, "Don't Forgive Too Soon," the Linn's are not saying be slow to forgive, so much as advocating that we don't short-circuit real forgiveness. They suggest that each time forgiveness is necessary, we go through Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression). The Linn's offer some advice about how to handle youirself or talk to others in each stage of the forgiving/grieving process. But one gets the feeling that they are simply trying to explain their behavior in light of Kubler Ross, even if their examples do not fit particularly well. Still, I can see how looking at these five stages can be helpful for people in describing how they are processing their feelings (their main example works rather well, where the smaller ones don't).

But this is also a book advocating for creative non-violent resistance. I agree with some of their points, some of it reminding of John Howard Yoder's little volume, "What Would You Do?" but they do not develop this or really give adequate space to exploring this here. Perhaps this would work better in another book. Just saying.

All and all, I liked this book the least of what I have read from them. But I may still come back to some of this material, so it isn't all bad.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a quick (I read it in less than an hour, even accounting for going back and rereading some important parts), fun (it's full of funny anecdotes and drawings), but also very helpful guide to forgiveness. It applies the Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief / dying to forgiveness, and has lots of guidance and examples about how to work through each stage, as well as how to deal with forgiveness more generally. It's a religious book, but doesn't harp on religion all the time, and the authors take care to acknowledge the usefulness of these methods for the non-religious, or even religious people who don't feel really comfortable with prayer (for example, most of the practical parts that recommend praying about something also say you could imagine talking to your best friend). Despite not being preachy, it has some really interesting things to say about the Christian approach to forgiveness, and corrects common misinterpretations of some Biblical passages on the subject. Again, I think this will be very helpful, and the lighthearted tone made it very readable and kept it from seeming difficult, as another book on this subject might.

[Dina · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a great book. Very comprehensive and easy to adapt to your own situations. The book is illustrated like a children's book and that was very annoying/embarrassing to take out in public. But some of their illustrations actually helped me understand concepts. Also, they broke the book apart so I could analyse everything I was reading as oppossed to just barreling on to the end of the book. Best part? They have these great breakout sections for each step of forgiveness that give you bullet points: What symptoms are associated with this step? How is this step healthy/unhealthy, how do others tempt me to stay in this step instead of moving forward? how can others help me progress? how can I help myself? I could relate with everything and I think it helped me to see unhealthy patterns I hold and how I can focus on changing them for a healthier me. A great read and would be best read twice. I'm looking forward to checking out some more of their books on similar subjects.

[Hermes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nih buku bagus yang ngajarin tentang kenapa kita mesti maafin orang sih...,tapi sayang cuma dapet feelnya pas awal....Terutama tentang perumpamaan Yesus yang ngajarin kalo ditampar pipi kanan,berikan pipi kiri,tapi ga berlaku sebaliknya loh... Buku yang menarik untuk dibaca

[Monica · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book is amazing. it has the appearance of a children's book but the content is incredibly rich. this commentary on forgiveness & conflict has been revolutionary for me and has already touched my life deeply. easy to read & incredibly insightful.

[Fr. Thomas Reeves · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some helpful stuff on an emotional and Psychological level, but a lot of speculation theologically and a bit formulaic in its approach. On the other hand, there was some helpful stuff in regards to emotional honesty and the reality that things take time and process to deal with.

[Cws]

234.2

[Lyf · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book with a solid process and insightful theology. Also a very easy yet thoughtful read.

[Charlotte · Rating 3 out of 5]

good book

[Sally Carter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I refer to this book again and again. The concept of the two hands that heal offers a challenging yet realistic approach to responding to the conflicts which divide us.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderfully fresh approach to discuss forgiveness in a healing way

[Rhea Lim]

I can't open to read it ...

[Rowena · Rating 4 out of 5]

good guide and tips to live a forgiving life.

[Denise · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are some good points and steps, however I feel like a whole book was too much. A nice article would have been fine.