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Playing Well With Others
Whether you're a trembling novice or a jaded expert, there's always something new to be discovered in the endlessly changing, complex and titillating world of kink. While there are plenty of other books out there that explain how to give a spanking or tie a half-hitch, Playing Well With Others is the first book that explains kink *culture* -- the munches, parties, leather bars, conferences, workshops, fetish nights, exploratoriums and all the other gatherings of kinksters that turn BDSM and leather from a bedroom predilection to a lifestyle and a community.
You'll learn to:
* Examine your own motivations, needs, wants and desires
* Ease your way into established communities
* Understand etiquette in different adventurous sex communities
* Familiarize yourself with the many types of events available to you
* Care for your relationships as you explore new territory
* Negotiate for play and aftercare
* Go back to the "world at large" without ruffling feathers
* ...and, of course, answer the all-important question: What do you wear?!
The team of Harrington and Williams offers 30-plus years of experience in diverse kink communities: top, bottom and switch; gay, bi and straight; female, male and trans; white and POC. Both former titleholders and international educators, they are an unbeatable pair of "sexual sherpas" with an inimitable voice and a great deal of wisdom.
Playing Well With Others is an unprecedented and essential guidebook for anyone who wants to explore or understand the "community" aspect of the kink lifestyle.
You'll learn to:
* Examine your own motivations, needs, wants and desires
* Ease your way into established communities
* Understand etiquette in different adventurous sex communities
* Familiarize yourself with the many types of events available to you
* Care for your relationships as you explore new territory
* Negotiate for play and aftercare
* Go back to the "world at large" without ruffling feathers
* ...and, of course, answer the all-important question: What do you wear?!
The team of Harrington and Williams offers 30-plus years of experience in diverse kink communities: top, bottom and switch; gay, bi and straight; female, male and trans; white and POC. Both former titleholders and international educators, they are an unbeatable pair of "sexual sherpas" with an inimitable voice and a great deal of wisdom.
Playing Well With Others is an unprecedented and essential guidebook for anyone who wants to explore or understand the "community" aspect of the kink lifestyle.
312 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2012
377 people are currently reading
1909 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews
May 2, 2022
This is a fun read, at least if you are interested in kinky things. From the beginning I loved how Lee Harrington and Molena Williams teased and showed this open attitude while writing about a rather intimate subject.
The authors deal with several topics, ranging from your motivations, to meeting play partners, to actually meeting them, participating in play parties, and safely returning back into the vanilla world after participating in a community event. What they say is entertaining and straightforward, and at times hilarious, while spot on and including the important messages about safe-sane-consensual play where they need to be. And since so much of what you find in Playing well with Others is about meeting others, there is a lot about communicating appropriately and respectfully in it.
This book is rather comprehensive, and maybe not only suited for those looking for a kinky community. Even though the different chapters actually do focus on meeting and playing within the community, I think you can use a lot of the given information at home too. What I mean are for example negotiations. Of course, this is important if you want to join a play party, or wherever else you find members of the bdsm community. But this is just as important if you exclusively want to play at home, with the love of your life. In addition, you’ll learn a lot about your partner this way, and talking about a possible scene keeps both of you safe. One way or the other, safety is a recurring topic in this book, and I love how the authors unobtrusively slip this in all over the book.
In addition to the eleven regular chapters, there are some useful appendices that I also recommend (glossary, flags and symbols, negotiation tools, an extensive before-we-play questionnaire and checklist, and additional resources). I love when titles dealing with bdsm include additional literature, and in this one you find a great list of additional non-fictional and fictional titles, and also online resources.
Virtually all of what you find in this book is meant to help find your way through a kinky community. Harrington and Williams have put together a lot of very useful information and present this in an entertaining way. I love their style, their messages, and how they are sex-positive and want to convey information that can help everybody have a pleasurable time. So, especially for readers thinking about joining the kinky community, and also readers interested in kink in general, this could be a great title.
5 out of 5 stars
The authors deal with several topics, ranging from your motivations, to meeting play partners, to actually meeting them, participating in play parties, and safely returning back into the vanilla world after participating in a community event. What they say is entertaining and straightforward, and at times hilarious, while spot on and including the important messages about safe-sane-consensual play where they need to be. And since so much of what you find in Playing well with Others is about meeting others, there is a lot about communicating appropriately and respectfully in it.
This book is rather comprehensive, and maybe not only suited for those looking for a kinky community. Even though the different chapters actually do focus on meeting and playing within the community, I think you can use a lot of the given information at home too. What I mean are for example negotiations. Of course, this is important if you want to join a play party, or wherever else you find members of the bdsm community. But this is just as important if you exclusively want to play at home, with the love of your life. In addition, you’ll learn a lot about your partner this way, and talking about a possible scene keeps both of you safe. One way or the other, safety is a recurring topic in this book, and I love how the authors unobtrusively slip this in all over the book.
In addition to the eleven regular chapters, there are some useful appendices that I also recommend (glossary, flags and symbols, negotiation tools, an extensive before-we-play questionnaire and checklist, and additional resources). I love when titles dealing with bdsm include additional literature, and in this one you find a great list of additional non-fictional and fictional titles, and also online resources.
Virtually all of what you find in this book is meant to help find your way through a kinky community. Harrington and Williams have put together a lot of very useful information and present this in an entertaining way. I love their style, their messages, and how they are sex-positive and want to convey information that can help everybody have a pleasurable time. So, especially for readers thinking about joining the kinky community, and also readers interested in kink in general, this could be a great title.
5 out of 5 stars
February 12, 2013
This is the book we need in the post 50 Shades world. The authors, Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, present their information in a manner that is kind, funny, knowledgable and straight forward. Who should read this? Anyone even a tiny bit interested in engaging with the kink community, or in seeking a kinky experience.
50 Shades of Gray, which I never read but have heard about endlessly, has raised the profile of BDSM in the mainstream. There's been lots of tittilated chortling and the coining of the condescending term 'mommy porn.' Whatever. Playing Well With Others is the informative self-help, how-to, etiquette guide antidote. The authors may burst your fantasy of constant wild naked rumpuses, but they will tell you how to prepare for a real orgy.
The foundation of this book is respect. The messages the authors return to again and again are 1) respect yourself, 2) be respectful of others, 3) ask, don't assume, 4) If it isn't yours, don't touch it, and 5) your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok. All of these are different iterations of respect.
The only thing I wish they'd spent more time on is what to do when things go wrong.
50 Shades of Gray, which I never read but have heard about endlessly, has raised the profile of BDSM in the mainstream. There's been lots of tittilated chortling and the coining of the condescending term 'mommy porn.' Whatever. Playing Well With Others is the informative self-help, how-to, etiquette guide antidote. The authors may burst your fantasy of constant wild naked rumpuses, but they will tell you how to prepare for a real orgy.
The foundation of this book is respect. The messages the authors return to again and again are 1) respect yourself, 2) be respectful of others, 3) ask, don't assume, 4) If it isn't yours, don't touch it, and 5) your kink is not my kink, but your kink is ok. All of these are different iterations of respect.
The only thing I wish they'd spent more time on is what to do when things go wrong.
November 15, 2012
I was beyond excited to read this book and unfortunately it was a letdown. It is a total beginner book which is not where I'm at.
It is an AMAZINGLY well thought-out and explicit (non-sexually) instruction book on everything to do with BDSM. The organization and breakdown is arranged logically and systematically making reference to certain points and issues easy to find.
I really enjoyed the personal anecdotes that both Lee and Mollena interspersed throughout the book. And the drawings were adorable. :)
It is an AMAZINGLY well thought-out and explicit (non-sexually) instruction book on everything to do with BDSM. The organization and breakdown is arranged logically and systematically making reference to certain points and issues easy to find.
I really enjoyed the personal anecdotes that both Lee and Mollena interspersed throughout the book. And the drawings were adorable. :)
March 13, 2021
this book made me realise several places where my last relationship went wrong
April 6, 2013
Playing Well With Others is exactly the book I wish I’d had about four years ago when I started getting serious about exploring my interest in kink and BDSM. This humorous and thorough introduction to kink, BDSM and Leather communities and activities, is very accessible for beginners. But it’s not just a beginner book, even for experienced players, Playing Well With Others can serve as a valuable guide to those who want to reflect on their practices and dig more deeply, especially in improving their communication skills, and in turn, their relationships. It’s more than a guide or how-to, this book is a magic decoder ring for mysterious symbols, titles, codes and kinks.
In fact, much of the advice presented by Lee Harrington (PassionAndSoul) and Mollena Williams (The Perverted Negress) could be used to improve relationships between individuals in non-kinky relationships as well as friends and acquaintances. The correlation is intentional: when you are involved with people in the practice of kink or BDSM or Leather, you are creating and maintaining relationships, and the quality of those relationships will directly reflect the amount of time and intention you put into them.
Playing Well With Others is jammed full of information but never becomes dry or pedantic. Harrington and Williams have liberally sprinkled anecdotes from their own extensive experiences throughout the text, for humorous and educational impact.
The appendices themselves are worth the money you’ll pay for this book: Kink Lingo Glossary, Kink Flags and Symbols, Negotiation tools and a collection of other information including books, websites, ideas on talking to health care providers about your kinky activities, safer sex information, a piece on gender variation, and much much more. Those four appendices are easily worth $20 but when you buy this book, you get those and another 11 chapters crammed full of advice, encouragement, and information.
Through eleven chapters, Williams and Harrington take you through the various stages of immersion into kink, BDSM and Leather communities. From basic questions about kink and communities that embrace kink, to a very inclusive listing of the kinds of communities, activities and events you can become involved in. Throughout, you’ll find great, detailed information on planning your excursions, maintaining relationships while starting new ones, negotiation, safety, pitfalls and cautionary tales, the how-what-why of public play spaces, staying healthy and happy and transitioning from kink-space back to the ‘default world.’
And even with all that amazing information crammed into around 300 pages, I didn’t feel that I was being lectured to. The pacing and delivery was damned near perfect. And did I mention the warmth and humor? Each chapter includes numerous sidebars by Harrington and Williams containing humorous and revealing anecdotes and examples from their own lives, giving the reader the kind of first person revelation that really drives the message home.
Some of the bits I made note of…
Use of the term ‘default world’ for the non-kink part of our lives (for those of us who have that). My term has been ‘muggle world’, because, yeah, kink/BDSM and Leather are magical.
Don’t shame the kinks of others… or, as we say in groups I facilitate, Don’t yuck my yum. Another take on Do unto others… because unless you’re into that kind of humiliation you don’t want that done unto you.
RACK — Risk Aware Consensual Kink and SSC — Safe, Sane and Consensual. Key word being consensual, drawing a line between safe, consensual kink and predatory, abusive behaviors.
Pick an organization based on your core needs matching with what the organization provides, which is a very individual decision.
What I wanted more of ….
Aftercare… no, not because of the book, as a part of the book. I realize that not everyone needs or wants aftercare, but enough of us do, or might if we knew about it, that the topic deserved a bit more space and consideration. What would I have added? There are some examples of what aftercare can look like, the acknowledgement that it’s not just for bottoms, but value could have been added with a list of questions each person should ask themselves in order to assess their aftercare needs. I think especially for people new to playing, the idea of aftercare may not be something they’ve given much thought to. Also, aftercare needs can be different depending on the situation and players. After playing with my Sir, and others I feel emotionally close to, I want to spend time cuddling and talking and easing out of the bottom/sub-space. I have also been in situations where I was fine sitting with a group afterward feeling group closeness without much individual attention. I do know that if I needed a specific kind of aftercare and couldn’t get it, it would definitely put a negative spin on the experience, and that’s why it’s important. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that make the difference. For example, I adore cuffs, and in my post-scene transition, I like to keep them on for a while. I think one way to consider your aftercare needs, if you’ve never played before, is to think about how you feel after peek emotional or physical experiences. After a hard competitive sports experience, do you want to sit quietly by yourself, drinking water and having space, or do you want to do post-game analysis and celebrate with high-fiving, or maybe doing some downloading with specific individuals? Is water your choice for thirst quenching, refreshing beverage, or will you want something else available? I crave water, dark chocolate and then some carbs in the aftermath of heavy physical activity. These are the kinds of questions to ask yourself when assessing potential aftercare scenarios.
Another part of after-care that could be discussed is the possibility that the top will want a scene report. This may be more common in situations where the top and bottom don’t socialize in non-play space, but either way, it’s the kind of thing a person new to these communities might not be expecting. This may seem like a simple thing, but depending on how your default world life is structured, making the time to sit and compose a detailed and thoughtful email could be challenging. Or you might find that post event drop takes the wind out of your sails and you don’t have the emotional energy for it. If you know ahead of time it will be expected, you can help manage the top’s expectations about expected delivery of that report.
I highly recommend this book to you if you are new to kink/BDSM/Leather or have years invested in those communities. If you’re interested in finding new ways to evaluate your motivations, desires and fears with regard to those communities. If you are already involved with someone, or multiple people, and want to improve those relationships. If you’re looking to expand your involvement and want to check out your options. Basically, anyone with any interest or curiosity about BDSM, Leather and Kink. Williams and Harrington don’t just serve as your happy-go-pervy tour guides, after the first few pages, they are trusted friends, demystifying a sometimes intimidating world in an easy going, respectful way.
The Scoop
Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams. Published by Greenery Press. Available through Amazon, $19.95 print / $1.99 Kindle.
I highly recommend you acquire a copy for your bookshelf – physical or virtual.
In fact, much of the advice presented by Lee Harrington (PassionAndSoul) and Mollena Williams (The Perverted Negress) could be used to improve relationships between individuals in non-kinky relationships as well as friends and acquaintances. The correlation is intentional: when you are involved with people in the practice of kink or BDSM or Leather, you are creating and maintaining relationships, and the quality of those relationships will directly reflect the amount of time and intention you put into them.
Playing Well With Others is jammed full of information but never becomes dry or pedantic. Harrington and Williams have liberally sprinkled anecdotes from their own extensive experiences throughout the text, for humorous and educational impact.
The appendices themselves are worth the money you’ll pay for this book: Kink Lingo Glossary, Kink Flags and Symbols, Negotiation tools and a collection of other information including books, websites, ideas on talking to health care providers about your kinky activities, safer sex information, a piece on gender variation, and much much more. Those four appendices are easily worth $20 but when you buy this book, you get those and another 11 chapters crammed full of advice, encouragement, and information.
Through eleven chapters, Williams and Harrington take you through the various stages of immersion into kink, BDSM and Leather communities. From basic questions about kink and communities that embrace kink, to a very inclusive listing of the kinds of communities, activities and events you can become involved in. Throughout, you’ll find great, detailed information on planning your excursions, maintaining relationships while starting new ones, negotiation, safety, pitfalls and cautionary tales, the how-what-why of public play spaces, staying healthy and happy and transitioning from kink-space back to the ‘default world.’
And even with all that amazing information crammed into around 300 pages, I didn’t feel that I was being lectured to. The pacing and delivery was damned near perfect. And did I mention the warmth and humor? Each chapter includes numerous sidebars by Harrington and Williams containing humorous and revealing anecdotes and examples from their own lives, giving the reader the kind of first person revelation that really drives the message home.
Some of the bits I made note of…
Use of the term ‘default world’ for the non-kink part of our lives (for those of us who have that). My term has been ‘muggle world’, because, yeah, kink/BDSM and Leather are magical.
Don’t shame the kinks of others… or, as we say in groups I facilitate, Don’t yuck my yum. Another take on Do unto others… because unless you’re into that kind of humiliation you don’t want that done unto you.
RACK — Risk Aware Consensual Kink and SSC — Safe, Sane and Consensual. Key word being consensual, drawing a line between safe, consensual kink and predatory, abusive behaviors.
Pick an organization based on your core needs matching with what the organization provides, which is a very individual decision.
What I wanted more of ….
Aftercare… no, not because of the book, as a part of the book. I realize that not everyone needs or wants aftercare, but enough of us do, or might if we knew about it, that the topic deserved a bit more space and consideration. What would I have added? There are some examples of what aftercare can look like, the acknowledgement that it’s not just for bottoms, but value could have been added with a list of questions each person should ask themselves in order to assess their aftercare needs. I think especially for people new to playing, the idea of aftercare may not be something they’ve given much thought to. Also, aftercare needs can be different depending on the situation and players. After playing with my Sir, and others I feel emotionally close to, I want to spend time cuddling and talking and easing out of the bottom/sub-space. I have also been in situations where I was fine sitting with a group afterward feeling group closeness without much individual attention. I do know that if I needed a specific kind of aftercare and couldn’t get it, it would definitely put a negative spin on the experience, and that’s why it’s important. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that make the difference. For example, I adore cuffs, and in my post-scene transition, I like to keep them on for a while. I think one way to consider your aftercare needs, if you’ve never played before, is to think about how you feel after peek emotional or physical experiences. After a hard competitive sports experience, do you want to sit quietly by yourself, drinking water and having space, or do you want to do post-game analysis and celebrate with high-fiving, or maybe doing some downloading with specific individuals? Is water your choice for thirst quenching, refreshing beverage, or will you want something else available? I crave water, dark chocolate and then some carbs in the aftermath of heavy physical activity. These are the kinds of questions to ask yourself when assessing potential aftercare scenarios.
Another part of after-care that could be discussed is the possibility that the top will want a scene report. This may be more common in situations where the top and bottom don’t socialize in non-play space, but either way, it’s the kind of thing a person new to these communities might not be expecting. This may seem like a simple thing, but depending on how your default world life is structured, making the time to sit and compose a detailed and thoughtful email could be challenging. Or you might find that post event drop takes the wind out of your sails and you don’t have the emotional energy for it. If you know ahead of time it will be expected, you can help manage the top’s expectations about expected delivery of that report.
I highly recommend this book to you if you are new to kink/BDSM/Leather or have years invested in those communities. If you’re interested in finding new ways to evaluate your motivations, desires and fears with regard to those communities. If you are already involved with someone, or multiple people, and want to improve those relationships. If you’re looking to expand your involvement and want to check out your options. Basically, anyone with any interest or curiosity about BDSM, Leather and Kink. Williams and Harrington don’t just serve as your happy-go-pervy tour guides, after the first few pages, they are trusted friends, demystifying a sometimes intimidating world in an easy going, respectful way.
The Scoop
Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams. Published by Greenery Press. Available through Amazon, $19.95 print / $1.99 Kindle.
I highly recommend you acquire a copy for your bookshelf – physical or virtual.
October 29, 2012
This is a great introduction to the kink community and to kink in general; not from a "how to safely tie people up" angle, but from a "what is this community all about, why would I even want to know, and how can I get socially involved without damaging myself or others" perspective.
There's a great deal of information in this book that anyone can use, even non-kinksters, including the importance of friends, understanding and negotiating what one wants in a relationship - whether with one's partner or one's community or oneself, and understanding one's own emotional state and reactions to events.
I appreciate the book's focus on knowing oneself and one's own principles and limits. There's a worthy caution against pressure to take actions that the participant is not prepared for, and that pressure may just as likely come from within as from without. The text poses a lot of probing questions to encourage the reader to understand their own motivations. Overall, I found the book to be very educational and thought-provoking, and not only about the communities it covers.
There's a great deal of information in this book that anyone can use, even non-kinksters, including the importance of friends, understanding and negotiating what one wants in a relationship - whether with one's partner or one's community or oneself, and understanding one's own emotional state and reactions to events.
I appreciate the book's focus on knowing oneself and one's own principles and limits. There's a worthy caution against pressure to take actions that the participant is not prepared for, and that pressure may just as likely come from within as from without. The text poses a lot of probing questions to encourage the reader to understand their own motivations. Overall, I found the book to be very educational and thought-provoking, and not only about the communities it covers.
July 29, 2021
This is an excellent book for kinksters of any role (Dom, sub, switch, or not) and at any experience level. It's the guide I wish I'd had when I first started thinking about venturing out into the BDSM community. The authors offer not only practical advice on how to plan an outing into the BDSM community but also share what you can (usually) expect and provide real-world advice from their own experiences.
Scared to go to your first munch? Read this book.
Didn't feel welcome in your first BDSM community event? Read this book.
Heard about a kinky camp-out but don't know what to expect? Read this book.
Looking for a community for your very specific kink interests? Read this book.
Scared to go to your first munch? Read this book.
Didn't feel welcome in your first BDSM community event? Read this book.
Heard about a kinky camp-out but don't know what to expect? Read this book.
Looking for a community for your very specific kink interests? Read this book.
July 17, 2024
There are a lot of common sense things in this book. Things that should apply to everyone, not just in this community. But the explanation of events and certain terms are very helpful to someone who is newer to the community or just curious. There are a lot of good resources and definitions in the appendices.
December 5, 2019
Unless you live under a rock, or are a part of a super-religious cult, this book won't help you understand more on this world that the author calls a 'community'.
December 3, 2024
Listened to this book in audiobook form (the only form provided by my local library) to see whether I should recommend it to people looking to learn more about a subject I have a lot of experience in.
It’s definitely got some fantastic nuggets of information, but portions of it are so repetitive and in some cases grueling (an entire portion, covering attending conventions, describes in great detail to bring snacks for the road, to get to the airport a couple hours early, to remember to drink and eat throughout a vacation, etc, etc) that it feels like the authors were trying to meet some kind of word count. In my opinion, pretty much every non-fetish-related travel tip could have been removed, along with every time the authors say “unfamiliar with X? Ask about it!”, a valuable sentiment to be sure, but one so frequent that by the end of the book, you can feel it coming.
Otherwise though, solid information, good information arrangement, and tactfully warms an assumed-novice reader up well to some of the more intense or controversial ideas. Pretty solid, and the authors are great writers, just quite rambly.
It’s definitely got some fantastic nuggets of information, but portions of it are so repetitive and in some cases grueling (an entire portion, covering attending conventions, describes in great detail to bring snacks for the road, to get to the airport a couple hours early, to remember to drink and eat throughout a vacation, etc, etc) that it feels like the authors were trying to meet some kind of word count. In my opinion, pretty much every non-fetish-related travel tip could have been removed, along with every time the authors say “unfamiliar with X? Ask about it!”, a valuable sentiment to be sure, but one so frequent that by the end of the book, you can feel it coming.
Otherwise though, solid information, good information arrangement, and tactfully warms an assumed-novice reader up well to some of the more intense or controversial ideas. Pretty solid, and the authors are great writers, just quite rambly.
January 21, 2022
After being very impressed with Lee Harrington's and Molina William's essays in the Ultimate Guide to Kink, I picked up a digital copy of Playing Well with Others upon release. I found it a bit disappointing. I often approach books from the leaders of the BDSM community searching for inspiration. I found that in abundance in The Ultimate Guide to Kink, but not in this book. However, this is a book designed to assist those who are new to the world of BDSM, swinging and kink to assist in navigating the increasingly complex world of munches, on-line communities, clubs, festivals, conferences, etc. They are very thorough in detailed descriptions of all of these outlets and provide excellent information on how to navigate these scenes. More importantly, they give great tips on how to negotiate scenes and relationships once you find the people you do want to play with. So my disappointment should be taken with a grain of salt. This book was not written for an audience that has already been navigating this world for the last 15 years, but is for those new to these scenes. But despite this, there was still a wealth of valuable information that I didn't already know or hadn't previously considered.
December 12, 2012
I liked the book. I have been involved in the kinky community for a few years now & interested in the BDSM lifestyle for many years more than that. I wish this book had been out when I first started out in my sexual explorations. This is the book I would recommend to noobs and those interested in exploring any of their BDSM fantasies & the community as a whole.
There is etiquette advice, for both play & exploring the host of events open to kinksters, as well as "what to expects" for the different milieus out there. I appreciate the frank, open, honest & accepting voices of both the authors, as well as their asides, personal reflections/recollections, and experiences. I also LOVE the way that they stress limits & boundaries for dealing with personal interactions & respecting the way others identify- both in the kink world & outside of it.
All in all, a great book for kinky beginners who want to know more & find out about events/resources available to them.
There is etiquette advice, for both play & exploring the host of events open to kinksters, as well as "what to expects" for the different milieus out there. I appreciate the frank, open, honest & accepting voices of both the authors, as well as their asides, personal reflections/recollections, and experiences. I also LOVE the way that they stress limits & boundaries for dealing with personal interactions & respecting the way others identify- both in the kink world & outside of it.
All in all, a great book for kinky beginners who want to know more & find out about events/resources available to them.
August 8, 2017
Great intro to kink. Let's all practice sex positivity.
March 1, 2021
Honestly the advice was just generally good life advice.
September 13, 2021
It's been about a year since I became interested in exploring BDSM, and while I've taken only baby steps into the lifestyle, I have been binging on YouTube videos, podcasts, blogs, social media and, yes, books. Unfortunately, I find that Playing Well With Others mostly offered information I had already absorbed elsewhere, and frankly, I found it a bit dry.
On the other hand, the book is still full of vital information that is essential to anyone entering the lifestyle, so I recommend it to anyone beginning a journey of self education about the topic of BDSM whether one is eager to play, or just curious about what goes on behind the closed doors of others.
I also would add that the kinky world is full of people, even some quite experienced folks, who play recklessly or have jumped in to the "fun" part of play, without taking the time to learn about things like safety, consent and accountability. Some kinksters love to brag about how responsible we are about consent, but this takes for granted that everyone plays by the same rules we do, when the reality is a lot of folks don't know what they are doing, so it's never too late to seek out material such as this, we'd all be better off for it.
On the other hand, the book is still full of vital information that is essential to anyone entering the lifestyle, so I recommend it to anyone beginning a journey of self education about the topic of BDSM whether one is eager to play, or just curious about what goes on behind the closed doors of others.
I also would add that the kinky world is full of people, even some quite experienced folks, who play recklessly or have jumped in to the "fun" part of play, without taking the time to learn about things like safety, consent and accountability. Some kinksters love to brag about how responsible we are about consent, but this takes for granted that everyone plays by the same rules we do, when the reality is a lot of folks don't know what they are doing, so it's never too late to seek out material such as this, we'd all be better off for it.
August 16, 2024
Playing Well with Others regurgitates five pieces of advice throughout its not-too-insignificant page count. It goes over every single possible interaction one could have within and without the kink, leather, and BDSM communities.
For a field guide, one should expect a brief introduction to the significant subsections of the communities and a quick dip into the associated activities. Still, instead, the word count is filled by unnecessarily repeating the same information.
Playing Well with Others was quite the slog to listen to, and the appendix–collecting the often-used terms and habits of the community was the most worthy of print–was the most interesting. I prefer when an appendix is informative rather than the highlight of a book.
TL;DR This book is less kinky and more How to be a Decent Human at social gatherings 101
For a field guide, one should expect a brief introduction to the significant subsections of the communities and a quick dip into the associated activities. Still, instead, the word count is filled by unnecessarily repeating the same information.
Playing Well with Others was quite the slog to listen to, and the appendix–collecting the often-used terms and habits of the community was the most worthy of print–was the most interesting. I prefer when an appendix is informative rather than the highlight of a book.
TL;DR This book is less kinky and more How to be a Decent Human at social gatherings 101
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May 19, 2025A Smart, Practical Guide for Anyone Curious About Kink
Playing Well with Others is one of the best introductions to the kink, leather, and BDSM communities I’ve read. It’s practical, well-organized, and incredibly readable. Each chapter opens with a short anecdote that adds humor and heart while setting the tone for what’s to come.
The authors strike a perfect balance between educational and engaging. It’s clear they know the scene deeply, and they present information without judgment or fluff. From etiquette and event types to consent culture and red flags, the book covers everything you’d want to know when stepping into kink spaces for the first time (or brushing up as a returning player).
The resources in the back are a goldmine. Whether you're a curious newbie or a seasoned player wanting to engage more thoughtfully with community dynamics, this book is worth the read.
Playing Well with Others is one of the best introductions to the kink, leather, and BDSM communities I’ve read. It’s practical, well-organized, and incredibly readable. Each chapter opens with a short anecdote that adds humor and heart while setting the tone for what’s to come.
The authors strike a perfect balance between educational and engaging. It’s clear they know the scene deeply, and they present information without judgment or fluff. From etiquette and event types to consent culture and red flags, the book covers everything you’d want to know when stepping into kink spaces for the first time (or brushing up as a returning player).
The resources in the back are a goldmine. Whether you're a curious newbie or a seasoned player wanting to engage more thoughtfully with community dynamics, this book is worth the read.
September 27, 2020
Extremely well written! I read this because I wanted to find out more about the kink scene (so called) to inform my writing. What I found was sage advice and gentle wisdom about any adventure into a new sub-culture. Yes, very apposite to 'kink', but would also prepare you in basic principals for a foreign visit or dining out in brand new social setting. If you are 'getting your head around' anything new, strange or difficult, why not imagine the kink community as a trial of your susceptibilities and explore through this manual? Like so much that we view from the east of the Atlantic its perhaps a little over cautious of others foibles and vulnerabilities, but no less good for that! Whatever your motive here are two wonderful guides to a new life style. Ponytailpoet applauds!
January 26, 2023
First off, this is a great book and it has something for most people, but secondly, it also is an often niched book. While ‘Playing well with others’ repeatedly has great insights into BDSM in general I would say it mainly focuses on taking part in of thinking about taking part in “the scene”. That’s where the “playing well with others” shine through. If you’re more specifically interested in exploring and learning about kinks specifically and not communities that support them you might find ‘Existential kink: Unmask your shadow and embrace your power’ by Carolyn Elliott more useful and practical.
Overall ‘Playing well with others’ is a really high quality crafted book written with passion and compassion by two authors who are both experienced and smart.
Overall ‘Playing well with others’ is a really high quality crafted book written with passion and compassion by two authors who are both experienced and smart.
March 21, 2024
In this book, Lee Harrington provides a good overview of the basics of the kink world, emphasizing social and networking aspects. It is a very helpful resource for beginners or those merely curious. The narrative is quite accessible, it is very has a very friendly and informative language. The book offers extensive advice about starting in the kink community, understanding negotiation basics, and meeting like-minded individuals. This book can be very helpful to those who are ready to embark on their journey, or those who may lack a supportive network or access to local resources.
Although I was familiar with most of the content at a superficial level, the guidance was reassuring while helping to build the confidence needed to take the initial step.
Highly recommended for beginners.
Although I was familiar with most of the content at a superficial level, the guidance was reassuring while helping to build the confidence needed to take the initial step.
Highly recommended for beginners.
May 1, 2024
I had been looking for a book that would work for introducing and giving good advice/tips+tricks/education on the BDSM communities and how to interact with it, engage in it, and support/reassurance on how to go about doing so! This book hits just that spot!
It may be published in 2012, but this actually isn't that bad for it's age, and I think this would be my first go-to book to recommend! (I hope to add more books like this to that mental list in the future, for curious minds!)
It hits all the of MAIN marks I would want someone new to the communities and/or researching it as an interest, to know, but ofcourse it should not be the end all be all! Most certainly I hope people can read this, and then charge into more content or communities to learn even more, and update their info, and figure out what works for them!
I found the layout and writing of the book to be very cute and amusing, easy to digest, with little sections for specific parts of topics for each chapter, cute graphics/pictures amongst the chapters and chapter title pages (that were done by an artist that was once featured on OhJoySexToy (iykyk)!), personal/reassuring sharing from our authors (that makes the book sound like a friendly conversation about it all), and nice bullet listing!
The back of the book also has multiple WELL useful appendixes, full of lists and even negotiation tools that you have obvious permission to scan and print for personal use! :D
To keep it short and sweet, I will just list the names of the chapters (there isn't a table of contents page, surprisingly!) and you can take a look into the book yourself!
List of Chapters in Order:
It may be published in 2012, but this actually isn't that bad for it's age, and I think this would be my first go-to book to recommend! (I hope to add more books like this to that mental list in the future, for curious minds!)
It hits all the of MAIN marks I would want someone new to the communities and/or researching it as an interest, to know, but ofcourse it should not be the end all be all! Most certainly I hope people can read this, and then charge into more content or communities to learn even more, and update their info, and figure out what works for them!
About Our Authors
This book is written by 2 (Two) lovely authors, with over 30+ years of DIVERSE experience between them and are internationally known Leather titleholders, Educators, and Authors.
Mollena (Mo) Williams has been consciously kinky since 1993, and is active in the leather+BDSM communities since 1996, and speaks on topics such as kink, BDSM, power exchange relationships and negotiating it all safely! She is a POC, so this allows the book to have consideration on the diverse experience of non-white people within the communities!
Her Website!
Lee Harrington is a spiritual and erotic educator and a gender explorer, he has been an academic and an adult film performer, is a kink/bondage expert, and has been blogging about sex and spirituality since 1998.
His Website!
I found the layout and writing of the book to be very cute and amusing, easy to digest, with little sections for specific parts of topics for each chapter, cute graphics/pictures amongst the chapters and chapter title pages (that were done by an artist that was once featured on OhJoySexToy (iykyk)!), personal/reassuring sharing from our authors (that makes the book sound like a friendly conversation about it all), and nice bullet listing!
The back of the book also has multiple WELL useful appendixes, full of lists and even negotiation tools that you have obvious permission to scan and print for personal use! :D
To keep it short and sweet, I will just list the names of the chapters (there isn't a table of contents page, surprisingly!) and you can take a look into the book yourself!
List of Chapters in Order:
0. Introduction
1. Welcome to the Jungle: Your First Steps Into Adventure
2. Does This Flogger Make My Ass Look Fat?: Kink Etiquette, Kink Culture
3. So Many Choices! Events, Groups, and Gatherings
4. The Pre-Game Plan: Planning, Budgeting, Packing and Getting There
5. Make New Friends (and Keep the Old): Keeping It Hot without Burning Bridges
6. But It Followed Me Home!: Pre-Event Negotiation and Planning
7. Unicorns, Trolls and Other Creatures: Behavior Awareness in Kink Communities
8. Oh the Places You'll Go! Dungeons, Play Spaces and Erotic Arenas
9. Wanna Do Some Stuff? Negotiating For Play
10. Even Perverts Get The Blues: Staying Healthy (and Happy) at Events
11. Transitioning with Grace: Back in the Default World
+
Afterword (1 page)
+
Appendix 1: Kink Lingo Glossary
Appendix 2: Kink Flags and Symbols
Appendix 3: Negotiation Tools
Appendix 4: Further Resources (including lists of other media/content/websites)
As well further mini appendixes within 4, some of which with additional authors, such as;
- 'Out To Your Doctor?: Talking to Health Care Professionals' By Barak, RN
- 'Understanding STDS and STIs: Sexual Expression and Infection Control' By Scotty Thomson
- 'Sex, Gender, Identity, Orientation and Behavior' By Aiden Fyre and Lee Harrington
- 'Relationships Beyond Labels: Some Terminology You May Encounter, and What It May (or May Not) Mean' By Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
September 8, 2022
A wonderful book for people looking to enter the scene. A light read that's both informative and quite funny in some places. It covers topics from the kinds of events you will explore to not so frequently discussed parts of what it's like after play or the kinds of relationships an individual is likely to encounter. The appendix sections really blew it out of the water for me. It covers privacy rights when interacting with doctors/police, references to pop culture, further reading (both fiction, nonfiction/educational), and symbols you're likely to come across. I wish I had read this book before entering the scene and will now be recommending it to my friends.
May 6, 2025
A fantastic read. Does a great job describing a lot of aspects of the kink community and does an ESPECIALLY fantastic job of breaking down what to expect at different types of events in a very accessible way — describing likely locations, whether it’s casual or more intense, what to wear and bring, etc. The authors also place a lot of emphasis on going at one’s own pace and building in times for breaks, reflection, etc. at events. This book is STOCKED with resources for how to find kinky community wherever you are.
April 29, 2021
This book has great information for beginners i think that every new person should read this as well as veterans. There are a lot of tools in the back of this book that I think are useful to have on hand for anyone who is looking at this lifestyle and you may ultimately find this isn't for you like I am finding with myself but at least you will have a good base of information and i will be sharing this with others i am close to
January 21, 2023
Think u might be kinky?
Know u r kinky but have not done anything about it?
Know u r kinky, what to do something about it but don’t know where to start or what to do or how to act or what to wear?
If any of those are you then… this is your book.
It is a starter book for learning to play. Where to find a party, what to wear, how to behave. BDSM terms explained. Etiquette explored. A must read if u don’t know but want to.
Know u r kinky but have not done anything about it?
Know u r kinky, what to do something about it but don’t know where to start or what to do or how to act or what to wear?
If any of those are you then… this is your book.
It is a starter book for learning to play. Where to find a party, what to wear, how to behave. BDSM terms explained. Etiquette explored. A must read if u don’t know but want to.
December 19, 2018
"Science is nothing, but trained and organized common sense." - Thomas Huxley
This is a common-sense guide to dipping one's toes into BDSM & the kink community, which also packs in a lot of good advice for relating to other humans in everyday life - friends, partners, lovers, co-workers, etc.
Consider it as a primer or a reference book and take from it what you need.
This is a common-sense guide to dipping one's toes into BDSM & the kink community, which also packs in a lot of good advice for relating to other humans in everyday life - friends, partners, lovers, co-workers, etc.
Consider it as a primer or a reference book and take from it what you need.
January 9, 2020
This was a good look at the basics of kink community. I appreciate the effort to keep it simple, be inclusive, and focus on both what to expect and how to think about it. I read this book by audiobook, but will be ordering a physical copy to have for reference and for the appendices that are included.
November 13, 2021
One of the first books of its type when I first started exploring the BDSM world for myself. Highly informative and written in a manner that any layman could understand and follow. Well written sections on everything from etiquette to the "where to go" and "how to find." I absolutely advise everybody, even none kinksters(Vanilla) read this wonderful guide and manual.
January 12, 2019
An Excellent and generally Well Rounded Introduction
Covers all the basics, spends a good deal of time discussing a huge variety of possible event's. Has a subtle but strong American style focus.
Covers all the basics, spends a good deal of time discussing a huge variety of possible event's. Has a subtle but strong American style focus.
December 25, 2024
This book is absolutely incredible. They jam packed every single thing they could think of and covered so many topics within this world and it was really easy to read. I loved it and will keep it readily available anytime someone needs wisdom on playing well with others. 🖤
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