COMPASSION AND SELF-HATE An Alternative to Despair

by Theodore Isaac Rubin

Free yourself from destructive behavior and learn how to break your patterns of self-hate and achieve personal fulfillment with this sympathetic and practical guide from the author of The Angry Book.Many of us know that self-destructive patterns are rooted in self-dislike, but few of us understand how to break them. In this wise and compassionate book, bestselling author and eminent psychiatrist Theodore Rubin shows us realistic ways to break these negative mental and emotional attitudes and build a strong sense of well-being and self-understanding. Dr. Rubin looks of how self-hate begins, is sustained, and eventually leads to destructive and defeating behavior—from alcoholism and drug dependency to perfectionism and fear of failure (or success). Offering practical and reassuring advice, he shows that the key to freeing yourself from these restricting emotions and habits is to find and examine the self-hate that generates them, and then to release your innate and powerful capacity for compassion. This warm, sympathetic, and ultimately practical guide to personal growth and fulfillment is timelier and more helpful than ever.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Mental Health, Unfinished

Paperback

Published January 1, 1976

About the author

Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.D., has served as president of the American Institute of Psychoanalysis and is the author of thirty books, including The Angry Book, Lisa and David, Jordi, The Winner's Notebook, and Lisa and David Today. His books have been translated all over the world. He lives and practices psychiatry in New York City.

Reviews

[Andrew · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book literally changed my life. Its argument is that early childhood experience can lead to a negative, self-hating mindset, essentially a mechanism, which can insidiously damage one's life, often without one's conscious awareness. It offers specific examples of the tactics that this self-hating mechanism uses, and the tactics that should be used to fight it.
It is largely free of the magical thinking of many self-help books. It is a practical, clear-thinking, straightforward guide to a syndrome that many people are not aware of.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am so happy to have my own copy of this book because I have underlined, starred and circled page numbers in so many places.

To give you an idea of Dr. Rubin's philosophy, this is from page 203:

"I think the bravest thing most of us do is to get up each morning and to face whatever life has in store for us. This is no small matter, considering our feelings, our sensitivity, our vulnerability and our awareness, however repressed, of how unpredictable and tenuous life and the world are. We are not aided by the considerable and ever-increasing complexity of the cultures we live in."

[Mara Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anxious? Depressed? Self loathing? You may be operating from a dysfunctional paradigm -- one that doesn't recognize that you are in fact human. Any behaviours you judge are simply human and therefore to be compassionately accepted. That doesn't resolve them, but it ends the anxiety caused by the rejection of that part of you.

Rubin explores the forms of self-hate, from postponing decisions to depression to alcohol, food, gambling abuse to self-denigration. He invites the reader to evaluate the paradigms on which s/he judges herself and clearly reveals the errors in thinking that often occur. He suggests that we destroy illusions (eg., giving up the prideful position of saintliness), lower strict standards, reduce expectations, and engage fully.

Next he suggests we hold onto mantras that are meaningful. Not "I'm a wonderful person, yes I am" which is trite, but "I am because I am" and "I am I"-- a vow to be there compassionately for oneself regardless of mistakes, imperfections or other's judgements. "I am where I am" -- to put oneself at the centre of one's story and "I am here now" -- a vow to bring oneself back to the present, remembering that this is all there is and it is worth giving oneself to fully. I LOVE these.

Rubin also looks at "The Destructive Culture", the current north american culture, which he unmasks as being filled with disastrous illusions and expectations that are contradictory. For example, if he is kind and let's someone else have first dibs at something, he is set up for being criticized as being a spineless pushover. His list of these crazy contradictory expectations goes on: to be always kind and generous, but never taken as a fool; to be never fearful, jealous, angry -- all of which are very human emotions that humans have expressed forever. By the end of the chapter you see that you can never be "good" in a strict sense because the expectations can't be simultaneously fulfilled. So you compassionately accept yourself as "human" and work from a position of compassion from there.

The book was written in the 1970s, so the women, when there are any, are housewives. This makes it a bit dated, but simultaneously, far ahead of its time. This was before Ekhard Tolle and before CBT. Rubin had the answers then -- and he still does for me.

[Saif Elhendawi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will never do justice to this book with a simple review, after all, "justice is just a human concept". So I think the best description of this book is as an emotional intervention, one capable of saving you from the depths of self-hate. The book is comprehensive in its covering of the topic, by first deconstructing self hate into its base components and direct and indirect forms, then prescribing solutions founded in compassion and understanding of one's self. This is a book of practical philosophy, calling it self-help, falsely categorizes it with other books that will never achieve the same results. The book is of course a bit old and some of the stuff might feel dated, especially if you are used to post-modern psychiatry terminology. However, in my opinion that kind of language is actually another advantage, as it feels more human than the texts of today that feel medical and academic. The world would definitely be a better place if this book was part of school curriculums. If you plan to read it, do so slowly and patiently, as it is worth it. I wish the author was still alive so that I can message my gratitude. I recommend it to absolutely everyone.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

For the first couple chapters, I didn't think I would like this book. Like a lot of self-help books, it starts out with a certain amount of puffery. The argument that all mental disorders stem from self-hate strikes me as overreaching.

Later chapters, however, describe different types of self-hate, what social factors encourage it, and misperceptions about ourselves that breed it. I recognized many of these patterns in myself, and recognizing them has helped me control them. There's a lot of deep insight here, and a lot of really valuable observations.

The book could probably use a new edition; some of the social attitudes it refers to are dated, as are some of the cultural references. On the whole, though, it still holds up well.

I will note that this book doesn't give much in the way of specific advice; it's mostly about describing the patterns at work in self-hate. People looking for specific ways to change their thinking might be better served by a more direct cognitive-behavioral therapy book, such as "The Feeling Good Handbook."

[Mark · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot recommend this book enough. It is extremely insightful and worthwhile. Personally, it made me realize how hard I am on myself. Many of the things we all struggle with are simply a part of the human condition, and realizing this is a huge step in the right direction. Very glad I read this book!

[Theresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend; I feel as though anyone who needs this kind of book will find something to 'take with' them from this one.

[Diana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I reread this book whenever I'm feeling low and it always makes me feel better. The key is finding true compassion for oneself, which spills over into feeling true compassion for others. A good book to have nearby, especially in this time of social-media shaming.

"We do not live in a world of glorious, constant peak experiences in which people live happily forever after. We, the people, are not consistently brave, pure, ever-loving, selfless, deserving and just. We do not climb every mountain, ford every river, or make the impossible dream come true, and we must not expect these inhumanities of ourselves. We are not idealized sea gulls or dolphins. We are people.

"We live in a world of people who are a vast mixture of inconsistent feelings and moods, who try, who falter, who get tired, who get discouraged, who are lazy and energetic, who laugh and cry, who accept and reject, who are kind and cruel, who are uncaring and altruistic. We live in a culture ambivalent in its values and we, the people, constantly have ambivalent feelings. These are the human terms. To be alive and human are the only terms on which we can compassionately flourish."

--Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.D., pages 298-299 of Compassion and Self-Hate: An Alternative to Despair

[KT Miguel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely worth-reading! It has been in my bookshelf for a decade and decided to read it yesterday. Finished the book last night and yeah, it was worth it! It is an eye opener especially for someone like me who has a tendency to over-think everything. I just wish I had read it when I was in high school.

Here's my fave part:
I AM BECAUSE I AM! means I exist because I exist and need no justification whatsoever for my existence. The fact of my being is enough. I require no terms, conditions or permits from myself or anyone else...

HOW DO I FEEL? Is a very important question as applied to people, issues, myself and especially as to my state of well-being. If I feel good, that's good. Of I feel bad, then is there anything I can do to make myself feel better?... Do I feel badly because of destructive relationships? Then I must break them!... If a relationship has turned out to be predominantly destructive, then it well serves all those concerned to terminate it.

MY CHOICES, DECISIONS AND ACTIONS ARE NOT BASED ON THE NEED TO JUSTIFY OR TO REINFORCE MY EXISTENCE. I would be, with or without them.

[roger · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this at a time when I was struggling with identity issues and depression. The authors clinical experience helped me realize how un-alone I was with these issues. In in he asks some good questions that anyone struggling with the above needs to ask themselves. It helped me. I found it at my local library and I'd recommend doing the same before taking this on as a purchase.

[Chris Carmichael · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this many years ago and it was incredibly helpful for me. It remains a book I recommend to anyone -- but especially to those who were exposed to physical or emotional abuse in childhood. The book sheds helpful light on common -- yet often unnoticed -- patterns of self-hate a person may inflict upon herself.

[Juniper]

Though initially curious, I dreaded approaching a book on this topic. Actually, it became quite a page turner, with classification and explanation coloured by intriguing case studies. By the plethora of illnesses he traces back to self-hate, it seems he paints from a limited palette. Could self-hate be this fundamental? Nevertheless, this is an invaluable psychoanalytic exploration of unhealth.

[Joe · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd recommend this book to anyone who is coping with issues around self-esteem or who feels that life no longer presents no good options. Rubin is one of those unique voices who can create fresh insight without seeming preachy or condescending.

[Kadri Tolsberg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good psychology book. Explains lot of ways we loose confidence when growing up.
In my opinion one of those "must read" books to learn more about yourself. =)

[Alyssa M · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of good concepts but could use a rewrite to be more up to date with the times

[Rachel]

This is a classic. I vaguely remembered Rubin from long ago, and decided to read it. It's good, but extremely dated, in terms of terminology and cultural context. It was written in 1975, almost 50 years ago! I'm surprised to see so many positive reviews that don't mention its age. I liked it, a lot in places, but I had to update concepts and specific items in my head as I read. Because of that, I'm unable to give it a star rating.

Theodore Rubin seems like an exceptionally insightful and compassionate professional. He outlines first "self-hate," which he describes as a violent negative emotion. I don't know if more people flagellated themselves more extremely in that era or if the people I know well have a higher than usual incidence of milder self-dislike or low self-esteem. I did not make it through all the "Forms of Self-Hate" (direct and indirect); I had to stop when he explained how it was the cause of schizophrenia. (I would have agreed with that back then, but it's fatally outdated now.) I read most of the Compassion sections. I don't know if it's old terminology/concepts, but he uses the word mostly about being compassionate with ourselves, in such a way that I had to twist my mind a bit to understand what he meant. It is refreshing to feel such a kind and accepting attitude in his words.

I really liked the section on "The Destructive Culture," which points out many ways that cultural expectation can lead to self-hate, and gives the rationale why and how we don't need to be bound by them. His viewpoint on gender differences is progressive even today: men and women are people and not all that different. And, briefly, it's okay to be gay. And his last section, "Joy," is lovely.

I did get a lot out of reading this book. It left me with things to think about, and feeling a bit better about myself. But it's so outdated that I would only recommend it to people who are already fairly well-read in more current books on the subject.

[Simona · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Compassion and Self-Hate" by Theodore Isaac Rubin was a profound exploration of the complexities of human emotions and the delicate balance between compassion and self-destructive tendencies. I delved into the intricacies of the human psyche, unraveling the layers of self-awareness and understanding.

Rubin's narrative was both introspective and enlightening, offering me a deep insight into the mechanisms of compassion and the destructive forces of self-hate. Through poignant anecdotes and thoughtful analyses, he navigated me through the challenging terrain of emotions, shedding light on the inner conflicts that shape our relationships with ourselves and others.

The strength of Rubin's work lay in its ability to resonate with me on a personal level. His exploration of the human experience was relatable, inviting me to reflect on my own struggles with self-compassion and self-criticism. The prose was eloquent and engaging, making the book accessible to a wide audience.

The book not only served as a psychological exploration but also as a guide for me, seeking a better understanding of my own emotional landscape. Rubin offered valuable insights into fostering compassion, managing self-hate, and ultimately achieving a more balanced and fulfilling life.

"Compassion and Self-Hate" proved to be a timeless work that continued to be relevant in its exploration of universal themes. Whether I was grappling with self-esteem issues or simply interested in the complexities of human emotions, Rubin's insightful book was a compelling read that encouraged self-reflection and growth.

[Robert Bogue]

While compassion is the subject of many books, self-hate is not frequently discussed. Compassion and Self-Hate: An Alternative to Despair seeks to map the relationship between the two and how compassion can heal self-hate. I came to the book because of self-hate’s role in suicide. I came to understand how someone could hate themselves so much that they thought they and the world would be better off without them in it. (This interest was focused while reading Managing Suicidal Risk, 2e.)

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[Ross Capper · Rating 4 out of 5]

Considering the age of this book most of the content is as relevant today (except maybe a paragraph or two on gender and sexuality). Though I found this book incredibly enlightening as the psychoanalytic approach was quite refreshing! Contrary to modern psychology centred on the problem-fix of the modern treatment approaches this book centred on understanding and appreciating the self. It was comforting to read a book that offered me not only insight but also acceptance of who I am and what I am about. I feel I am a better person to and for myself from reading this book! Though I never set out to read it for any particular purpose than curiosity.

[David Evans · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a friend who had it recommended to her by someone else. I think I got this book’s main points: Live in the present. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t blame yourself for being human. It’s about the process, not the product. There seemed to be a lot of repetition and some of it didn’t really hang together that well. I think the book would have benefited from some better editing. The last several pages just gave a litany of observations on a variety of topics such as smoking, sex, optimism, work, love, and so on. None of the short blurbs under these sections really said too much, so I felt like the discussion should have been structured around some main points rather than putting some trite remarks under the various topic headings.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for any human.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

❤
Rubin has quite a broad conception of self-hatred; I think a lot of people could benefit from this book whether or not they consider themselves self-hating people.

[Anthony Brooks · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very clinical, you can tell that a doctor wrote this. More like a chore to read glad to be finished with this.

[Lion · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good book and should be read by everyone. I'm glad I stumbled onto it when I did and it's been a guiding light for years. I might have bought it like three times, including for a family member, which I rarely do.

Of course it comes from a distinct leftie mentality, so balance out your intake with some nonleftist content to not just point yourself into a onesided direction. But the book was written (1975) before that culture became so destructive.

[Catherine McClelland · Rating 3 out of 5]

a good book explaining and identifying self-hate but little about strategies to help eliminate self- hate thoughts and behavior. Joy is not a legitimate cure to self-hate. The book completely ignores clinical depression as a disease needing drug therapy.

[J Crossley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very helpful for me. I suffer from low self-esteem. In this book, the author talks about why people suffer from self-hate, and ways to counteract these issues. I have been helped by the principles in this book already.

[Toffana · Rating 2 out of 5]

Kind of dated.

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really dense but equally insightful.

[Fishface · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. It was OK but didn't have any useful new insights for the reader.