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Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships
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Rewriting the Rules: An Integrative Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships

4.28  ·  Rating details ·  138 ratings  ·  21 reviews
We live in a time of great uncertainty about relationships. We search for "The One," but find ourselves staying single because nobody measures up. The reality of our relationships is not what we expected, and it becomes hard to balance it with all the other things that we want out of life. At the same time that marriage shows itself to be the one 'recession proof' industry ...more
Paperback, 208 pages
Published September 11th 2012 by Routledge (first published January 1st 2012)
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Jul 13, 2014 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: non-fiction, uk
You know how they say “When the student is ready the teacher will appear”? Well, I've been learning a lot of lessons over the last few years, but this book arrived back in my sights at exactly the right time. It's been on my wish list for a while, but after meeting the author at a conference and going to a valuable workshop of theirs on self-care and activist burnout, I knew I wanted to repay them by buying this... and it was well worth it.

I've just come out of a four year relationship which be
Apr 05, 2013 rated it it was amazing
This is a really interesting 'anti self help' book, it approaches relationships completely differently to how it seems most of society does and offers a new way of having relationships. The most interesting chapter was the one about monogamy, where Barker suggested that monogamy, rather than being a thing you do or don't do, is as most things are, a sliding scale. Another aspect of the book I enjoyed was how it avoided being heteronormative, especially when, within the self help genre, it is eas ...more
Aug 11, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Shelves: 2019, nonfiction
i really liked this, i would definitely recommend it to people interested in alternative views of human relationships (and maybe even especially to people who aren't interested in it). will almost certainly re-read some chapters over time
Jan 03, 2015 rated it it was ok
I love the idea! From monogamy to gender roles to sexuatiy in a relationship: what should it look like? Why do you think that? Is what you're told right for you? I like this idea of carving out your own "rules", particularly for women who are misfed the how-tos from Cosmo. But, I was disappointed. It didn't really push the envelope enough for me, but perhaps that is because I have already been quite critical f the "rules" and have long since created my own vision for my relationships? I don't kn ...more
Mar 16, 2013 rated it really liked it  ·  review of another edition
A thoughtful and straightforward look at the rules about relationships and how those rules no longer serve us.
Uri Baruchin
Mar 24, 2014 rated it it was amazing  ·  review of another edition
If only more self-help books were providing people with help against the onslaught of the heteronormative relationship matrix, instead of further entrenching their readers in it.
Louisa Leontiades
Sep 20, 2015 rated it it was amazing
Recommends it for: Anyone seeking to build their own relationships in challenge to society norms
Shelves: polyamory-books

As Terry Pratchett's great sage Granny Weatherwax put it: 'Sin young man, is when you treat people as things including yourself, that's what sin is.'

It's an unlikely reference to find in a book which appears from the outside to be a psychology text book, and yet that's just one of the 'spoonfuls of sugar' found in the book "Rewriting the Rules" written by Dr. Meg Barker, senior psychology lecturer and a founding member of BiUK (the same Meg Barker of recent 'Pink List' 2013 fame).

Yet in anothe
Aleksi Knuutila
Dec 13, 2016 rated it really liked it
I encountered this book through a reading group/meetup about love and politics. I felt a little bit mixed about the book, but then again it is by far the best book that I know of about relationships that is both for a general audience and is influenced by broadly queer/feminist perspective. I found the chapter on monogamy the best, due to a lot of personal knowledge the author seems to bring in on how non-monogamous people experience their relationships. Also the gender and sex chapters are much ...more
Sam Benson
May 03, 2017 rated it really liked it
Really great, super useful! Some chapters and examples resonated more than others, but recommend this as reading for anyone - a great guide through questioning the often unquestioned assumptions and forging new ways to approach all kinds of relationships. I have lots of ideas to take away from this book that I suspect I will be thinking about and working on for a long time.
Anita Cassidy
This is an incredible book. The key messages? Challenge your assumptions. Consider the alternatives. Open your mind and your heart. Flexibility, consciousness and communication are crucial. With no overstatement at all, this book has transformed my marriage. Maybe it could do the same for yours? Give it a read.
Scott Neigh
Reviewed here. ...more
Jan 05, 2016 rated it it was amazing
Thoughtful read, your untypical self help book or anti-self help book as the author describes it
Oct 05, 2019 rated it really liked it
Many if not most books on relationships out there are not good. Sometimes the author had a spot of luck and generalises. Sometimes it's just stuffed with common knowledge, or advice meant to make people feel in control. Of course, most of them are also horribly gendered, and subscribe to differences between men and women at ridiculous levels, and/or assume relationships to be heterosexual.

**Rewriting the Rules** by *Meg-John Barker* was way better than that. I found it well-structured, and comin
Siobhan Hypatia
Sep 21, 2018 rated it it was amazing
This book is a practical guide to questioning the tyrannies of existing 'traditional' relationship models and to understanding what it is about relationships that is not working for you and how to make it better. I'd recommend it over any other practical relationship-related books I've seen. For me, reading it was like pouring some soothing liquid into the cracks of the knowledge I've built up over the years. As I've been exploring different kinds of relationships for a while, it wasn't new info ...more
Alejandro Núñez baladrón
This is a magnificent pop-psychology book. Wants you to open your mind, to find new lines of thought, to think out of the box, or to make you feel you are not alone, also to guide you and kindly advice you and confort you on how to move, towards yourself and others. Succeeded with me. It doesn’t want to create false expectations, truths or hopes, speaks wholeheartedly but also frankly and coldmindedly at times. Humanly flawed but overall a very nutritive read.
Robert Hudder
Mar 11, 2018 rated it really liked it
As an almost divorced guy trying to figure out what relationships he wants in life, this book has been a fresh of breath air. An exhalation. A spoonerism.

It takes rules that seem to underline everything and bring them into the front yard to be looked at in a critical way. Does it mean that you need to tear everything up and start over? No. But there is an ability to do so and some provocative ways to approach it.

Aug 12, 2018 rated it really liked it
One of my favourite writers about relationships, they present an alternative way of looking at how we relate to the people we love and how many different ways we may want to configure our lives. I found this book absorbing and it gave me may things to think about and consider especially around gender, sexuality and relationship diversity.
Mar 11, 2018 rated it it was amazing
A marvelous study on relationships, rules and the way we perceive them nowadays. It's a must-read for somebody still doubting his own powers and personalities.
Sep 03, 2020 rated it it was amazing
I wish I knew about this book years ago! It's a fantastic compilation! Recommended reading for anyone who's ready to break the mold in their relationships to self and others.
Antti Koskinen
Jan 19, 2019 rated it it was amazing
Kirja joka katsoo parisuhdetta täysin normin ulkopuolelta ja ehkä siksi olikin niin ajatuksia herättävä. Erinomainen kirja!
Oct 24, 2017 rated it really liked it
Solid read with lots of good reminders. Had I not already done a lot of this work it would have had more personal impact. Still, I recommend it even to the radical queers! Author is non-binary, woo.
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Dec 21, 2014
Jem Nash
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Emily Wright
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Jemma Tosh
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Feb 11, 2015
Miguel Santos
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Nov 08, 2014
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Claire Moran
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Jul 14, 2017
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Now known as Meg John Barker.
Dr. Meg John Barker is a writer, therapist, and activist-academic specialising in sex, gender and relationships. Meg-John is a senior lecturer in psychology at the Open University and a UKCP accredited psychotherapist, and has over a decade of experience researching and publishing on these topics including the popular book Rewriting the Rules.

[Bio from http://rewriting

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