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She Matters: A Life in Friendships
A ruthless and illuminating exploration of the friendships that dominated, influenced, nourished, inspired, haunted—and sometimes tore her apart—Susanna Sonnenberg has written a book as searing and superb as her first book about her mother, Her Last Death. Childhood friendships, friendships with older women, friendships that play out with the passion and intensity of love affairs, the friendships between new mothers—each has its own subtleties, its own lessons that Sonnenberg examines and understands with astounding acuity. Sonnenberg’s style is investigative and ruminative; the result is candid and fearlessly observed portraits of the nuances and complexities of friendships that become universally recognizable.
For women of all ages, She Matters is testimony to the emotional significance of the sometimes intense and powerful bonds of female friendships—and their essential role they play in our journey to adulthood, and our deepening humanity.
For women of all ages, She Matters is testimony to the emotional significance of the sometimes intense and powerful bonds of female friendships—and their essential role they play in our journey to adulthood, and our deepening humanity.
255 pages, Hardcover
First published January 8, 2013
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2446 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 211 reviews
June 14, 2013
The reviews I read on this book had me thinking it would be a great commentary on female friendships and how strong and necessary they are. I was very disappointed. The author's view on female "friendships" mostly consisted of what SHE could get out of the friendship. Before I was done with the first chapter, it was clear to me the author was not someone I'd like to have as a friend, and she (whether knowingly or not) painted a truly selfish, narcissitic picture of herself throughout the book. She seemed to want pity or attention all the time, from all of her friendships, and when she didn't get what she was looking for, she held grudges and brought it back up to the "friend" who betrayed her needs years after the event. There was no great wisdom imparted by the author, and in fact, she didn't "get" why some of her friendships didn't work; when it in fact seemed painfully obvious that she often just took, took, and took some more in most of her friendships. She exhausted people, and they often got nothing in return. Hardly a friendship. Hardly a friend. Hardly worth the read.
January 21, 2013
I tried to separate the writing from the writer. After reading her first memoir, I wanted to like both.
The writing depended on a lifetime of failed friendships, and ultimately, the writing failed because the writer relied on the stories writing themselves.
I didn't finish the book because I lost interest.
I rolled my eyes a lot and felt that her narcissism got in the way of any real growth, in both the writing and her own development.
I kept thinking she would be happier and better off with a woman. There seems to be a ton of latent homosexual tendencies that could have made for healthier relationships if the writer had known/accepted/responded to them. Seemed very 1950s.
The writing depended on a lifetime of failed friendships, and ultimately, the writing failed because the writer relied on the stories writing themselves.
I didn't finish the book because I lost interest.
I rolled my eyes a lot and felt that her narcissism got in the way of any real growth, in both the writing and her own development.
I kept thinking she would be happier and better off with a woman. There seems to be a ton of latent homosexual tendencies that could have made for healthier relationships if the writer had known/accepted/responded to them. Seemed very 1950s.
June 4, 2013
Susanna Sonnenberg isn't perfect. She Matters: A Life in Friendshipsis.
Sonnenberg didn't have a conventional childhood: She was privileged. There are mansions, boarding schools, a life she didn't choose. Would she have it all again? That's her business. As a writer, she has the responsibility of total honesty. Few consider readers have responsibility as well. When we slap down $24 for a hardcover, an open mind is necessary. The nonfiction contract is she will be honest and we will listen.
This is not a how-to on friendships. We learn through loss. As one reviewer said, "The author has dragged me along countless failed friendships, without learning or growth." We are a very self-serving species. In one episode of the Sopranos, David Chase developed a pair of Russian mobsters who find themselves in combat with two of the show's main characters. There is a shoot-out in the woods, the Russians escaping. That's the end of them. People posed, "What happened to the Russians?!" Sometimes people leave and we aren't given the answers. Sometimes Sonnenberg doesn't have them.
In one part, Sonnenberg tells a friend, "Yes, you are a bad mother." But in the end of that story she says, "If only I'd known how to fit that defining anxiety into its proper place." I would say that's learning and more importantly, growth.
These stories are not chapters, but essays. Each essay is its own world, emotional scenescape. We are invited in to see the good, the ugly. We may marvel or shy from the architecture. We are offered a glass of her expensive, prized wine, a coveted spot on the comfortable sofa. But we are not to make ourselves at home in her stories. They are hers, her timelines.
It took me two weeks to finish this book. I read 900 words a minute. When I read it, I worked in retail and the bane of retail is holding your tongue. At the end of my days, I needed Sonnenberg to let me in with total honesty. She came through. This is hard reading and I mean that as a compliment. Each sentence is like another cut of the finest meat off the butcher's block. It's meant to be savored, earned patience. Her style is second to none; you can't take that from her. When it ended, I read it again. I read it now when I need that glass of wine, the sun on my neck while we converse on the sofa.
Sonnenberg isn't the girl next door. If you want the girl next door, go next door.
Sonnenberg didn't have a conventional childhood: She was privileged. There are mansions, boarding schools, a life she didn't choose. Would she have it all again? That's her business. As a writer, she has the responsibility of total honesty. Few consider readers have responsibility as well. When we slap down $24 for a hardcover, an open mind is necessary. The nonfiction contract is she will be honest and we will listen.
This is not a how-to on friendships. We learn through loss. As one reviewer said, "The author has dragged me along countless failed friendships, without learning or growth." We are a very self-serving species. In one episode of the Sopranos, David Chase developed a pair of Russian mobsters who find themselves in combat with two of the show's main characters. There is a shoot-out in the woods, the Russians escaping. That's the end of them. People posed, "What happened to the Russians?!" Sometimes people leave and we aren't given the answers. Sometimes Sonnenberg doesn't have them.
In one part, Sonnenberg tells a friend, "Yes, you are a bad mother." But in the end of that story she says, "If only I'd known how to fit that defining anxiety into its proper place." I would say that's learning and more importantly, growth.
These stories are not chapters, but essays. Each essay is its own world, emotional scenescape. We are invited in to see the good, the ugly. We may marvel or shy from the architecture. We are offered a glass of her expensive, prized wine, a coveted spot on the comfortable sofa. But we are not to make ourselves at home in her stories. They are hers, her timelines.
It took me two weeks to finish this book. I read 900 words a minute. When I read it, I worked in retail and the bane of retail is holding your tongue. At the end of my days, I needed Sonnenberg to let me in with total honesty. She came through. This is hard reading and I mean that as a compliment. Each sentence is like another cut of the finest meat off the butcher's block. It's meant to be savored, earned patience. Her style is second to none; you can't take that from her. When it ended, I read it again. I read it now when I need that glass of wine, the sun on my neck while we converse on the sofa.
Sonnenberg isn't the girl next door. If you want the girl next door, go next door.
April 18, 2013
Update:
I finished the book so I could participate in book club.
I walk away with a few thoughts:
1) having a maternal role model is very important in a young girl's life; without one, as a girl matures, she makes fruitless attempts at replicating that missing role through failed relationships;
2) I am forever grateful that my mother was (and still is) an incredible role model for me and my sister;
3) I will strive to be a role model for my daughters and count my blessings that my daughters also have my mom and sister as role models.
~~~~~~~~~~
Hating this book. Not sure I can finish it. The author has dragged me along countless failed friendships, without learning or growth. Selfish, narcissistic, juvenile.
I complain about it so much that my husband first asked that I stop talking about it, but then asked that I stop reading it. Before the sequester, while I was complaining about the book, my husband asked if I got to the lesbian part yet. He has not read the book, he was just making a brash generalization about women who write memoirs about relationships. Lo and behold, he was right. In the most cliched way possible, the author worked in an experimental lesbian affair - complete with college, studying abroad...
I wanted to finish the book, as I have an upcoming book club meeting to discuss. But I just don't know if I can do it.
I finished the book so I could participate in book club.
I walk away with a few thoughts:
1) having a maternal role model is very important in a young girl's life; without one, as a girl matures, she makes fruitless attempts at replicating that missing role through failed relationships;
2) I am forever grateful that my mother was (and still is) an incredible role model for me and my sister;
3) I will strive to be a role model for my daughters and count my blessings that my daughters also have my mom and sister as role models.
~~~~~~~~~~
Hating this book. Not sure I can finish it. The author has dragged me along countless failed friendships, without learning or growth. Selfish, narcissistic, juvenile.
I complain about it so much that my husband first asked that I stop talking about it, but then asked that I stop reading it. Before the sequester, while I was complaining about the book, my husband asked if I got to the lesbian part yet. He has not read the book, he was just making a brash generalization about women who write memoirs about relationships. Lo and behold, he was right. In the most cliched way possible, the author worked in an experimental lesbian affair - complete with college, studying abroad...
I wanted to finish the book, as I have an upcoming book club meeting to discuss. But I just don't know if I can do it.
September 7, 2013
This was her second memoir -- mentions a number of times the first one, which apparently focused on growing up with an extremely irresponsible mother. In this one, lots of her difficulties with female friends get attributed to her issues with her Mom.
On the plus side, she has a way with words and makes some vivid observations of people (e.g., about how disconcerting it is to re-meet someone as an adult whom you knew as a child) and places (e.g., Missoula, Montana, where she lives).
The pluses are, however, for me far outweighed by the minuses. Seems odd to say about a presumably true account of life, but it was too repetitive. Each chapter concerns a different female friend (the one she knew from Summer camp, the RA from her boarding school dorm, the one she had a sexual affair with during study-abroad semester, the Mommy friend from when she had her baby...............), and the pattern is basically the same each time.....
1. they meet cute, bumping into one another on move-in day or being in the same writing workshop and making eye contact or.....
2. they quickly become (apparently mutually -- hard to get a sense of this, but the author must be very charming at first) intensely connected, preoccupied with each other, having great walks together etc. etc.
3. the friend either gets upset that author is mainly focused on herself (people seem to give her candid feedback in general; one said by email "I can't be friends with you anymore. You shit on everything important to me"), or else does something that shows inattention to the author--e.g., one who was going through a horrible divorce forgot author's birthday and tried to apologize later, but to no avail because.....
4. author loses it and cuts the person off forever
5. analysis of how it's her Mom's fault follows.
There is no shortage of drama. She never just reflects on a friendship and concludes something like "well, we really enjoyed seeing each other a lot when we lived nearby, but after she moved we eventually lost contact". But when the drama seems to stem over and over from the same disagreeable traits of the protagonist, it becomes a slog to read. Any one chapter probably would make a good stand-alone essay or article, but one or two would suffice.
On the plus side, she has a way with words and makes some vivid observations of people (e.g., about how disconcerting it is to re-meet someone as an adult whom you knew as a child) and places (e.g., Missoula, Montana, where she lives).
The pluses are, however, for me far outweighed by the minuses. Seems odd to say about a presumably true account of life, but it was too repetitive. Each chapter concerns a different female friend (the one she knew from Summer camp, the RA from her boarding school dorm, the one she had a sexual affair with during study-abroad semester, the Mommy friend from when she had her baby...............), and the pattern is basically the same each time.....
1. they meet cute, bumping into one another on move-in day or being in the same writing workshop and making eye contact or.....
2. they quickly become (apparently mutually -- hard to get a sense of this, but the author must be very charming at first) intensely connected, preoccupied with each other, having great walks together etc. etc.
3. the friend either gets upset that author is mainly focused on herself (people seem to give her candid feedback in general; one said by email "I can't be friends with you anymore. You shit on everything important to me"), or else does something that shows inattention to the author--e.g., one who was going through a horrible divorce forgot author's birthday and tried to apologize later, but to no avail because.....
4. author loses it and cuts the person off forever
5. analysis of how it's her Mom's fault follows.
There is no shortage of drama. She never just reflects on a friendship and concludes something like "well, we really enjoyed seeing each other a lot when we lived nearby, but after she moved we eventually lost contact". But when the drama seems to stem over and over from the same disagreeable traits of the protagonist, it becomes a slog to read. Any one chapter probably would make a good stand-alone essay or article, but one or two would suffice.
February 7, 2013
I heard about this book on NPR one day and immediately went home and got it on my Nook. I can't say it was a great book, but it was really a very good book. It actually is not just about friendship, but also about boundaries and personal growth. Susanna Sonnenberg took a good look at herself over the years and delivered these stories with a very honest dialogue about herself. She owns her shortcomings and failures and is completely unapologetic about her faults. I know in my lifetime I've had a number of close female friendships that would start off strong and intense then crash and burn. Sometimes I had no idea why or what happened. Sometimes I knew but just didn't care. I found that I recognized the woman in these stories as she grew over the years. I'm not at all saying our lives are similar or that we share a common background. Far from it, actually. But, I can say that I've experienced some of the same feelings, thoughts and overall experiences as she has and can really appreciate what she has to say.
February 10, 2013
Though I thought it ended rather abruptly, I truly enjoyed this book by the end. I must admit to being attracted to any story that involves a level of dysfunction. I also found myself fascinated by her ability to break down each friendship and see it for what it truly was/is, with an honesty that I marvel at. I found the very frank moments kind of refreshing and I would be a liar if I said it hadn't got me thinking more about the friends I have had. I am now reflecting on what they meant to me at the time , how I may have used them both intentionally and not, what I wanted from them, what I got from them, what they may have gotten from me , who I was when I was with them , whether I was able to be ME with them , and what if any profound and/or lasting impressions the women I have called friends may have had on me and my life. I am amazed at the authors ability to speak of her past friendships as if she knew all along exactly what kind of give and take was going on. In short , this book has me thinking ..... that's a good thing right?
January 25, 2013
Female friendship can be every bit as complex, intense and rewarding as a marriage. Having had many ups and downs with female friends, I was excited to see Sonnenberg's memoir, which delves into more than a dozen different relationships the author has had with women, in an attempt to unpick some of the themes and needs that bring women together and drive them apart. Certainly, Sonnenberg is well-qualified to write this book. She has had every variety of female friendship: older friends/mentors, younger gal-pals, crushes, a relationship that turned sexual, lifelong friends and right-for-just-now friends. And she is intense to a fault about her relationships. "People--new acquaintances, old friends--tell me I'm intense, sometimes too much," she writes. This is a well-written book, but for me it fell short of what I wanted it to be, which is to say that it only resonated slightly with my own life experience. I felt that Sonnenberg's attitude to her relationships was molded by two early, formative experiences that she describes here--having a privileged background with a beautiful, cocaine-snorting mother, and being seduced/abused by her high school English teacher. Understandably, these experiences leave her with trust issues that sometimes play out in her friendships; they also leave her with the neediness/intensity she describes above. Every woman she meets seems to become her BFF for a period: there's no sense of the relationships overlapping, or (except in a few cases) how they play out over the long term. (My experience is wider and shallower: lots of interesting female friends but no real BFFs.) In summary, this is a good memoir but I couldn't help wishing it had been a bit more analytical and universal.
August 16, 2012
I loved Sonnenberg's first book, an account of growing up with a troubled and abusive mother. And while I enjoyed this book at first, I eventually put it down out of sheer exhaustion. The author is like a blood-sucker, needy and selfish, wanting more from her friends, while refusing to give anything in return - I was so sick of her! No wonder all her friends leave her, she's like a carbon copy of her crazy mom!
June 3, 2015
This woman is a terrible friend who wonders why she doesn't have meaningful friendships. Ugh.
January 26, 2013
This is a GoodReads First Reads Giveaways review.
Sonnenberg's recollection of friendships she has shared, past and present, is blatantly honest and humorous. She uses vivid colors that saturate her canvas as she paints a picture we probably have all seen before whether we'd like to admit it or not. If you look up the word "friend" in the dictionary, it provides several definitions. Each one perfectly fitting, depending on which friend one may be referring to of course. One defines a "friend" as a member of the same nation or party. Now, personally, I consider some of my co-workers friends just because we share the same office, a nation. But, I can recall quite a few harrowing days that I know I wouldn't dare reach out to them for advice or looking for a shoulder to cry on. Another describes "friend" as a person who is on good terms with one another, one who is not hostile. The author has told a couple of stories where she is on good terms witha friend, but she described them to be people who are almost the complete opposite of hostile.
In this memoir, she goes on to explain that throughout life, we all need friends as we grow. Whether we actually want them, or have time for them, the need is still in abundance. Sometimes pals stick around for a lot longer than we expected, and some of the times they vanish before we even realize they've been drifting apart. Either way, Sonnenberg has penned the truth and perhaps will open readers' eyes a little wider to recognizing that it's more important for ourselves to be a chum, rather then depend on another.
Sonnenberg's recollection of friendships she has shared, past and present, is blatantly honest and humorous. She uses vivid colors that saturate her canvas as she paints a picture we probably have all seen before whether we'd like to admit it or not. If you look up the word "friend" in the dictionary, it provides several definitions. Each one perfectly fitting, depending on which friend one may be referring to of course. One defines a "friend" as a member of the same nation or party. Now, personally, I consider some of my co-workers friends just because we share the same office, a nation. But, I can recall quite a few harrowing days that I know I wouldn't dare reach out to them for advice or looking for a shoulder to cry on. Another describes "friend" as a person who is on good terms with one another, one who is not hostile. The author has told a couple of stories where she is on good terms witha friend, but she described them to be people who are almost the complete opposite of hostile.
In this memoir, she goes on to explain that throughout life, we all need friends as we grow. Whether we actually want them, or have time for them, the need is still in abundance. Sometimes pals stick around for a lot longer than we expected, and some of the times they vanish before we even realize they've been drifting apart. Either way, Sonnenberg has penned the truth and perhaps will open readers' eyes a little wider to recognizing that it's more important for ourselves to be a chum, rather then depend on another.
July 31, 2013
I find it astonishing that reviews of Susanna Sonnenberg's searingly honest memoir about friendships are so divided. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be surprised: Women are emotionally complex, so it makes sense that our friendships are, too.
Our friends are mirrors, showing us different sides of ourselves, and our relationships with them transform as we march through the different stages of our lives. The biggest life events like motherhood, marriage, divorce, grief and love have the potential to make our friendships develop, shatter, disappear, or even, blissfully, reappear as we experience our own life transitions and shore up our friends as they go through theirs.
Here, Sonnenberg lays her friendships--and herself--bare in a series of essays that pay tribute not only to the healing, nurturing power of friendships, but also to the sorrow and fury we feel when friendships fall by the wayside as a result of betrayals and disappointments. This is one of the bravest, most beautifully written memoirs I've read in a long time.
Our friends are mirrors, showing us different sides of ourselves, and our relationships with them transform as we march through the different stages of our lives. The biggest life events like motherhood, marriage, divorce, grief and love have the potential to make our friendships develop, shatter, disappear, or even, blissfully, reappear as we experience our own life transitions and shore up our friends as they go through theirs.
Here, Sonnenberg lays her friendships--and herself--bare in a series of essays that pay tribute not only to the healing, nurturing power of friendships, but also to the sorrow and fury we feel when friendships fall by the wayside as a result of betrayals and disappointments. This is one of the bravest, most beautifully written memoirs I've read in a long time.
December 27, 2012
This is a beautiful look at how women are friends. Susanna Sonnenberg is strikingly honest and the writing is beautiful. I found myself remembering old friends that had been long forgotten as I read through the snapshots of her relationships with various women throughout her life. I liked that not every detail was explained, that she didn't try to reason out why her friends behaved a certain way. You just saw her side and she didn't try to give you others'. If you treasure the women in your life, or if you have trouble maintaining friendships with them, this book is for you. I adored it.
December 24, 2012
Sonnenberg’s recollection of friendships she has shared, past and present, is blatantly honest and humorous. She uses vivid colors that saturate her canvas as she paints a picture we probably have all seen before whether we’d like to admit it or not. If you look up the word “friend” in the dictionary, it provides several definitions. Each one perfectly fitting, depending on which friend one may be referring to of course. One defines a “friend” as a member of the same nation or party. Now, personally, I consider some of my co-workers friends just because we share the same office, a nation. But, I can recall quite a few harrowing days that I know I wouldn’t dare reach out to them for advice or looking for a shoulder to cry on. Another describes “friend” as a person who is on good terms with one another, one who is not hostile. The author has told a couple of stories where she is on good terms witha friend, but she described them to be people who are almost the complete opposite of hostile.
In this memoir, she goes on to explain that throughout life, we all need friends as we grow. Whether we actually want them, or have time for them, the need is still in abundance. Sometimes pals stick around for a lot longer than we expected, and some of the times they vanish before we even realize they’ve been drifting apart. Either way, Sonnenberg has penned the truth and perhaps will open readers’ eyes a little wider to recognizing that it’s more important for ourselves to be a chum, rather than depend on another.
In this memoir, she goes on to explain that throughout life, we all need friends as we grow. Whether we actually want them, or have time for them, the need is still in abundance. Sometimes pals stick around for a lot longer than we expected, and some of the times they vanish before we even realize they’ve been drifting apart. Either way, Sonnenberg has penned the truth and perhaps will open readers’ eyes a little wider to recognizing that it’s more important for ourselves to be a chum, rather than depend on another.
July 7, 2014
I read this book with great eagerness as I wanted to know if I was the only one who sometimes struggled with the "girlfriend" relationship and I now know, at least two of us in the world have that issue:)
Sonnenberg's ledger of bff's was considerably more varied than mine but I totally understood all the places in which she found herself due to the vicissitudes of the friend terrain. In the beginning, we naturally fall into situations with people at school, church, or in the neighborhood. And we think this person will be my partner for the rest of my life. But the fates have other plans...most simply, we physically move or they do. Sometimes, we move spiritually away from each other. Sonneberg does a wonderful job of recalling not only the girls she befriended but also much about the social structure of those relationships and she maintains that story line throughout. This provides invaluable insight into the myriad reasons we are drawn to people and perhaps more importantly why we cling to those who are seemingly not really 'good for us'.
Be warned, Sonnenberg can be quite detailed and might offend some of a more delicate persuasion. Overall, it was a great read!
Sonnenberg's ledger of bff's was considerably more varied than mine but I totally understood all the places in which she found herself due to the vicissitudes of the friend terrain. In the beginning, we naturally fall into situations with people at school, church, or in the neighborhood. And we think this person will be my partner for the rest of my life. But the fates have other plans...most simply, we physically move or they do. Sometimes, we move spiritually away from each other. Sonneberg does a wonderful job of recalling not only the girls she befriended but also much about the social structure of those relationships and she maintains that story line throughout. This provides invaluable insight into the myriad reasons we are drawn to people and perhaps more importantly why we cling to those who are seemingly not really 'good for us'.
Be warned, Sonnenberg can be quite detailed and might offend some of a more delicate persuasion. Overall, it was a great read!
January 19, 2013
This is the truest account of friendships between women that I have ever read. Susanna can write about anything and I'll just swoon over her poetic voice but this book exemplifies what it's really like to be a woman looking for kinship in this generation. She has a plethora of people who come into her life at various points and she recounts with great detail the occasions that brought them together, what kept them afloat and then more often than not what broke them up. Some of it is sad, some triumphant some a little dark and vulnerable but such an echo to my life... even if I haven't had all the experiences I know I've had all the feelings all the hangups all the confusion and jealousy and equality etc etc etc. She is a wonderful person to read as a woman, a mother a friend and an aching heart.
March 14, 2013
I don't think I've ever read a book that so thoroughly examines the nuances of friendships between women. Susanna puts her relationships under a microscope and the results are fascinating. But I'm a person who also puts all her relationships under a microscope. I can see some people being bored by such close scrutiny of 20 relationships. Not I. I love reading how each relationship affected the author. But the book is more about friendship. It's also about self awareness. The three sections are entitled "Young", "Aware" and "Awake". This is a chronological and emotional progression. Other themes recur, too: grief, death, sex, romantic relationships. "She Matters" is thought-provoking, gritty and beautifully written. I'll be reading it again.
March 8, 2017
I so appreciate the intent behind writing an entire memoir based on one woman's friendships with other women. A somewhat tone-deaf and troubling pattern emerges after the third or fourth account of how a friend became an ex-friend, but even including those stories this is a really interesting and honest account of how much of your life is defined by your relationships -- and how much of that can be circumstantial and kind of random (we were roommates/we studied abroad together/our kids were in the same preschool class). On this International Women's Day, I'm certainly grateful for the circumstances, whether random or fateful, that have brought so many amazing women into my life, and, to quote Sonnenberg, have helped create "the many fond knits of relationship that bound [and] secured" me.
February 24, 2013
What a refreshing way to write a memoir: by detailing friendships one has had over the course of one's life. While reading Sonnenberg's accounts,
readers will be hard-pressed not to examine their own friendships; their evolutions and endings. While at times Sonnenberg may leave the reader questioning her role in the demise of certain relationships, she also evokes sympathy given Sonnenberg's distant relationship with her mother, which, it appear, is detailed in another memoir, titled Her Last Death.
readers will be hard-pressed not to examine their own friendships; their evolutions and endings. While at times Sonnenberg may leave the reader questioning her role in the demise of certain relationships, she also evokes sympathy given Sonnenberg's distant relationship with her mother, which, it appear, is detailed in another memoir, titled Her Last Death.
January 5, 2020
Female friendships are important and need to be nurtured. However, this book was not at all what I was looking for, as the author seemed very selfish and narcissistic. I've met her type before- they throw themselves into a friendship and you feel special until they decide you are not worthy anymore and find an excuse to dump you. They are never to blame and they quickly move on to the next intense but shortlived friendship. I've been blessed with several life-long friendships, but have also been burned a few times, so this author's friendship tales really rubbed me the wrong way.
April 6, 2022
O. M. G.
I had forgotten just how much I didn't like this author's "voice" when I got this book [I disliked her previous memoir a lot]. I saw this and thought it was a book on women and their friendships and how they make our lives more fulfilling and often more sad as they come apart [because EVERYONE has had a friendship come apart for one reason or another] but regardless of both, they are important and integral [I know I am grateful for all of mine, the ones that I am still in and the ones that are no longer in my life. They ALL means something and I learned so much from each one].
Alas, that is NOT what this book is about. Not even remotely. This is a book about the author's [almost all are former] friends and how they started and how they [almost all of them] ended and how the author blames everyone but herself for the endings [I hate when a friendship ends, but I always {at some point - some times it takes space to get there} look at it and see if and where I was at fault in the ending. Sometimes it isn't me, sometimes it is and sometimes its just both people moving away. It is really good to learn from all of those] in such a narcissistic way that often it made me cringe. One of the exchanges that really stuck with me was an email from a former friend who was letting her know she was walking away from the friendship and a line from that went like this "I cannot be friends with you anymore. You shit on everything important to me". The author then spends PAGES trying to understand what went wrong. Uh, she told you and you are too full of yourself to see it right there in print. Both in the email and IN THE BOOK. The epitome of selfishness and narcissism and the inability to see outside of anything but her own imagined hurt. And don't even get me started on the story of the "friend" who desperately needed help as she was navigating new motherhood and the author chose to tell her that yes you are a bad mother when the friend asked [W T A F?] I could go on and on and on. I only kept reading because I couldn't believe that each story was going to end the same way and there had to be a glimmer of hope somewhere. Alas, I was extremely disappointed there.
I didn't enjoy anything about this book. None of the stories were hopeful. None of them were happy and filled with the chaos that good friendships bring [shenanigans anyone?]. After the first couple of stories, you knew where each story was going to end up and I had to wonder how so many people actually put up with her crap for as long as some of them did. The ONLY thing I got out of this book was what I need to do to improve some of my friendships - at no point do I ever want to get an email that tells me that I am "shitting on everything" my friend does. E V E R. To be honest though, I probably could have figured that out on my own without reading this craptastic book.
I had forgotten just how much I didn't like this author's "voice" when I got this book [I disliked her previous memoir a lot]. I saw this and thought it was a book on women and their friendships and how they make our lives more fulfilling and often more sad as they come apart [because EVERYONE has had a friendship come apart for one reason or another] but regardless of both, they are important and integral [I know I am grateful for all of mine, the ones that I am still in and the ones that are no longer in my life. They ALL means something and I learned so much from each one].
Alas, that is NOT what this book is about. Not even remotely. This is a book about the author's [almost all are former] friends and how they started and how they [almost all of them] ended and how the author blames everyone but herself for the endings [I hate when a friendship ends, but I always {at some point - some times it takes space to get there} look at it and see if and where I was at fault in the ending. Sometimes it isn't me, sometimes it is and sometimes its just both people moving away. It is really good to learn from all of those] in such a narcissistic way that often it made me cringe. One of the exchanges that really stuck with me was an email from a former friend who was letting her know she was walking away from the friendship and a line from that went like this "I cannot be friends with you anymore. You shit on everything important to me". The author then spends PAGES trying to understand what went wrong. Uh, she told you and you are too full of yourself to see it right there in print. Both in the email and IN THE BOOK. The epitome of selfishness and narcissism and the inability to see outside of anything but her own imagined hurt. And don't even get me started on the story of the "friend" who desperately needed help as she was navigating new motherhood and the author chose to tell her that yes you are a bad mother when the friend asked [W T A F?] I could go on and on and on. I only kept reading because I couldn't believe that each story was going to end the same way and there had to be a glimmer of hope somewhere. Alas, I was extremely disappointed there.
I didn't enjoy anything about this book. None of the stories were hopeful. None of them were happy and filled with the chaos that good friendships bring [shenanigans anyone?]. After the first couple of stories, you knew where each story was going to end up and I had to wonder how so many people actually put up with her crap for as long as some of them did. The ONLY thing I got out of this book was what I need to do to improve some of my friendships - at no point do I ever want to get an email that tells me that I am "shitting on everything" my friend does. E V E R. To be honest though, I probably could have figured that out on my own without reading this craptastic book.
February 13, 2019
Susanna Sonnenberg positively thrives on friendships. They are lifeblood to her: they nurture her, shape her, transform and alter her emotions, and they help her grow as a woman and a human being. In She Matters: A Life in Friendships, Sonnenberg recounts the details of one or two dozen friendships—although relationships may be more accurate to convey deeper connections—from clingy adolescence to wiser, discerning adulthood.
In writing that is stylish and engaging, Sonnenberg’s beautiful sentences almost appear to tumble out of her in haste to take their perfect places on the page. Sometimes they are short and clipped, other times longer with exquisite structural balance. Seemingly effortless, one has to believe she works hard at her craft—either way, her book is a pleasure, a memorable and satisfying read.
Despite her essential need for meaningful friendships, Sonnenberg is philosophical about their life cycle: beginnings, middles, and endings. Often, unpredictably, the endings are sudden and inexplicable; they cause hurt, sadness, anger, and lament. Others are deeply fulfilling swelling her with pure joy. But with each experience, readers can feel Sonnenberg’s maturity not just growing, but flourishing, freeing itself from former restraints as she reflects, chooses, and comes to terms with the reality of outcomes.
Natural growth—and hence, her own changing needs and perspectives about friendships—inevitably accompany life-changing events: graduation, first romances, geographical moves, marriage, and motherhood. Cleverly structured into three sections—Young, Aware, and Awake—Sonnenberg’s explorations and analyses of her friendships deepen with age and experience; she learns more about the humanity of others, and a great deal more about herself.
Ultimately, She Matters: A Life in Friendships is a celebration of friendships, with all their certainties and ambivalence, their stunning thrills and crushing disappointments, and their power to debilitate and restore. Readers will unavoidably reflect on the friendships that comprise their own lives. What makes this book a memorable, affecting narrative is Sonnenberg’s perfect and precise prose, and her profound insights, which will frequently resonate with readers but also surprise them with revelations of new emotions.
If common measures of a book’s worth and quality are the speed at which it is breathlessly consumed, and then how urgently it is shared with fellow readers, then She Matters: A Life in Friendships checks the top boxes on both those metrics.
In writing that is stylish and engaging, Sonnenberg’s beautiful sentences almost appear to tumble out of her in haste to take their perfect places on the page. Sometimes they are short and clipped, other times longer with exquisite structural balance. Seemingly effortless, one has to believe she works hard at her craft—either way, her book is a pleasure, a memorable and satisfying read.
Despite her essential need for meaningful friendships, Sonnenberg is philosophical about their life cycle: beginnings, middles, and endings. Often, unpredictably, the endings are sudden and inexplicable; they cause hurt, sadness, anger, and lament. Others are deeply fulfilling swelling her with pure joy. But with each experience, readers can feel Sonnenberg’s maturity not just growing, but flourishing, freeing itself from former restraints as she reflects, chooses, and comes to terms with the reality of outcomes.
Natural growth—and hence, her own changing needs and perspectives about friendships—inevitably accompany life-changing events: graduation, first romances, geographical moves, marriage, and motherhood. Cleverly structured into three sections—Young, Aware, and Awake—Sonnenberg’s explorations and analyses of her friendships deepen with age and experience; she learns more about the humanity of others, and a great deal more about herself.
Ultimately, She Matters: A Life in Friendships is a celebration of friendships, with all their certainties and ambivalence, their stunning thrills and crushing disappointments, and their power to debilitate and restore. Readers will unavoidably reflect on the friendships that comprise their own lives. What makes this book a memorable, affecting narrative is Sonnenberg’s perfect and precise prose, and her profound insights, which will frequently resonate with readers but also surprise them with revelations of new emotions.
If common measures of a book’s worth and quality are the speed at which it is breathlessly consumed, and then how urgently it is shared with fellow readers, then She Matters: A Life in Friendships checks the top boxes on both those metrics.
July 20, 2019
The arsenic hour = not yet dinnertime, the house filled with doom and shrieks.
Stella Artois mixed with lemonade
Don't confuse your men.
I didn't want to be told that unconscious anxiety dictated my choices.
Anguish and real rejection, Bert and I found, fed intimacy far better than worship had.
Just let her be what she needs to be, I thought, a discipline I was trying to practice with everyone, and with myself.
Yes, our history, I'd thought, our knowing through all those years, knowing everything that happened, and with whom, and which challenges changed us. That's not a small thing.
Safety sensitive = introvert
To Christopher I pretended the episode was over, the sour memory the only remains, but I still felt the muscular truth, the places in my body that had held, had fought, had released. I always felt them.
She loved to see "the beautiful, drenched place that you are in, in bed and at the desk, which as we know are inseparable." As we know.
The comfort of not being comforted.
Stella Artois mixed with lemonade
Don't confuse your men.
I didn't want to be told that unconscious anxiety dictated my choices.
Anguish and real rejection, Bert and I found, fed intimacy far better than worship had.
Just let her be what she needs to be, I thought, a discipline I was trying to practice with everyone, and with myself.
Yes, our history, I'd thought, our knowing through all those years, knowing everything that happened, and with whom, and which challenges changed us. That's not a small thing.
Safety sensitive = introvert
To Christopher I pretended the episode was over, the sour memory the only remains, but I still felt the muscular truth, the places in my body that had held, had fought, had released. I always felt them.
She loved to see "the beautiful, drenched place that you are in, in bed and at the desk, which as we know are inseparable." As we know.
The comfort of not being comforted.
April 9, 2022
I found this book in a used book store and loved the premise - a memoir through the lens of the author’s female friendships. I hoped that reading an author’s honest critic of her own friendships would allow me see my beloved friendships in a new and interesting light. But I was wrong. While the book was written expertly, I was unable to relate to really any of the 20+ friendships she chose to exploit (lots of salacious details and shocking secrets shared) nor her horrible upbringing, which contributed heavily to her trouble maintaining real friendships for more than the season when they first bloomed. So all in all, I enjoyed peering into someone else’s life for a week, but left the read feeling sorry for the author and thankful for my stable friendships.
September 10, 2017
I'm trying to separate the actual book from the hype I heard about it, but it's hard. I expected a book about the fortifying nature of female friendships, but most of the stories were about disagreements and friendships that didn't last. I don't think a friendship needs to last to be valuable, but that didn't seem to be the focus. I don't know, Sonneberg writes well, maybe it just wasn't my thing.
June 29, 2015
I felt conflicted after I finished this essay style tell-all from Sonnenberg about her past female friendships. While I devoured her writing, which I thought was open, honest, and even dangerous, this book ended up not being what I'd hoped it been. Which I think actually ended up being a good thing. She Matters doesn't offer the cookie cutter version of female friendship that is often portrayed. It's so raw that it often made me uncomfortable. Sonnenberg is about 25 years older than me, so I've had a lot less life experience. So reading all of the stories was interesting to me and also eye opening. However, I was rubbed the wrong way several times. I can't relate to not having parents that weren't there for me, and the complicated relationship with her mother definitely affected her for the worse. But I just couldn't deal with so many of the failed friendships. Once someone changed or stopped being what she needed them to be, she fled immediately. Which is brave to admit, but kind of shitty. I'm not knocking her for who she is because all of us are flawed humans. I just found it hard to relate, especially since I tend to try to be equal in my friendships and definitely give more. She would say how she liked to provide protection for her friends but then would always act like a little girl when they couldn't be there for her. Which again I'm sure ties back to her relationship with her mother. I think I'd be interested in reading her memoir. While this book has some pretty amazing writing--the last chapters where she deals with her father's death were incredibly written--I didn't take away much from it, unfortunately. Other than the fact that friends come and go all the time and we as women have to work harder to retain and maintain the good ones.
October 10, 2018
Short stories about a woman's relationship with women. Some stories involve her mother, sister, roommates, neighbors, as well as her father's girlfriends, assistants and wives, and how each of these relationships have molded and shaped her for either better or worse. The stories are not chronological which helps and detracts from the book. It helps in that it jumps around to keep us interested but because it is not chronological it is hard to tell if there is any character growth in the lessons learned from each relationship. It seems that because she had a bad relationship with her mother she searched for other women to mother her and was disappointed or elated by the mothering they provided.
audio book read by the author
audio book read by the author
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March 16, 2013I was very curious when I first heard about this book, which I understood to be an examination of the rich and complex topic of female friendships.
40 pages in, however, all I've experienced is detailed descriptions of some of the author's friendships. While there are a couple of brief flickers of insight in the opening chapter, the author seems far too absorbed in the telling of her own story to offer much in the way of universal illumination about the greater topic. Perhaps this changes as the book progresses, but this is not really the book I was hoping for so I won't be continuing with it.
40 pages in, however, all I've experienced is detailed descriptions of some of the author's friendships. While there are a couple of brief flickers of insight in the opening chapter, the author seems far too absorbed in the telling of her own story to offer much in the way of universal illumination about the greater topic. Perhaps this changes as the book progresses, but this is not really the book I was hoping for so I won't be continuing with it.
January 14, 2013
This is incredibly raw, a completely honest telling of her experiences and I am awed by how much she bares her soul. A fascinating insight into her friendships but with so many parallels to my own experiences & highly likely most women's.
At times quite sad to read the stories of lost friends, makes you recall similar experiences in your own life which is not the most pleasant way to spend time. But it does lend itself to possible insights that could be helpful. It may even offer the possibility of gaining closure on some lost friendships.
Worth reading, highly recommend.
At times quite sad to read the stories of lost friends, makes you recall similar experiences in your own life which is not the most pleasant way to spend time. But it does lend itself to possible insights that could be helpful. It may even offer the possibility of gaining closure on some lost friendships.
Worth reading, highly recommend.
March 17, 2016
Too much of whining. I am about 90 pages in and I cannot stand the nagging tone/character. She comes across as being so self-centered. I have been a teenager too and in those years all you care about is yourself. Every page I turn I hope for her to see the good aspects in a friend and appreciate them for who they are, value them for their abilities. Instead she is concerned only about how each friend treats her, rather how she wants each friend to treat her as the center of the universe! Bah! I quit.
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