Coming Apart, Why Relationships End and How to Live Through The Ending of Yours

by Daphne Rose Kingma

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Genres: Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Divorce, Love

Paperback

First published January 1, 1987

Reviews

[Jim Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book in my library today. It brought back many feelings as I read my notes & all of the colored markings. I read this book about five years ago while trying to understand why my marriage was coming to an end. I had tried saving the union in the previous six years. Honestly, logic and reality seemed like insanity. At that time, I was going over my past delving deep into my conscious mind of events, behavior wanting to know the reasons why our marriage had failed. I wanted to see both of our responsibility in the ending of a 25-year marriage. I could not put this book down once I started reading it. This book is not a marriage counseling book. It goes into logical reasons why some marriages are a failure before the start; the dysfunctional behavior brought into a marriage that is a loaded shotgun and myths of expectations.
The advice on how to live through the ending of my marriage established some standards for me that soften my grief and allowed me to move on with dignity, understanding & kindness toward her & her new husband.
One profound thought in closing that I learned from this book which I believe is the truth; "We live out our adult relationships from the experiences of our childhood."

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just as my partner and I were splitting up, a fellow sex educator recommended Coming Apart for people who were taken aback by their lovers leaving them. The book isn't perfect—Kingma herself acknowledges in an introduction to the new edition that it is heteronormative; it's cisnormative and adheres to gender roles and norms at parts as well—but I did take away extremely valuable lessons that made this a 5-star read for me.

At first, I was hesitant. I wasn't convinced Coming Apart would help. However, it seemed that each chapter came to me as a gift: I read slowly and with intention, careful not to rush the process, and I was utterly stunned to discover that once I had reached the end, I harbored no more ill will toward my partner—and, more importantly, I learned a lot about myself, why I chose to be in that relationship, and what my truest, deepest needs are. Highly, highly recommend.

[David Park · Rating 5 out of 5]

An insightful and enriching book from a practicing psychologist for tough times. Daphne Kingma proposes that our traditional (default) views of relationships are antiquated. In reality our reasons in being in a relationship are selfish, not selfless, and the ending of relationships are normal. Does that make reality bitter and depressing? No, because she says relationships are more than a compatible parter but a transference of gifts. People come together because they meet each others needs originating from childhood, and fulfilling those needs is the exchange of Daphnes gifts. She provides plenty of examples of what is essentially people growing and evolving. This is what may be the real root of relationships (and I see a flavor of transactional analysis mingling here, as a TA fan). Does relationship loss hurt? Sure, the only thing worse is loss through death. Can it provide more than misery, pain, or regret? You betchya. There are always lessons to be learned and the act of selfishness can allow you to become a better, mature, and more wholesome being with the experience relationships can give you.

[Gayatri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me process so much of what happens when two people have a falling apart... the information contained within it is truly priceless. I feel as though I have gone to therapy for the ending of my 3 year relationship. At the beginning Kingma says that was precisely her intention, for a comprehensive book we can refer to that holds all the information we need to process the subjective grief amongst objective confusion that arises after a relationship breaks.

In "new age" spirituality, it is commonly known that when we repeatedly receive the same issues, it's because we haven't learned our lessons about them. The majority of this book was about this precise concept, and it was fascinating the way she described this process without the use of new age or even psychoanalytic jargon. In its plain and simple layman's terms, boy oh boy does it make it all make sense now.

Love that is not meant to last forever is meant for us to learn from. This sounds absolutely terrible when you're in the deepest muck of grief, but the bird's eye psychologist's view that this book provides has proved invaluable. I can now see the true purpose that was hidden behind my stubborn attachment to this relationship.

I must say, I was quite perturbed throughout this demonstrative objectivity of hers. I thought, "So is lifelong love a joke? It can't be. We can't just keep falling in and out of love just because we have to keep learning shit." I read through the first three-quarters with this grain of salt, as I found even with this suspicion her advice was helping. It was when I reached the second-t0-last chapter that I found the answer to my question.

It's aaallll about the lessons, people! If someone has the ability to teach us new lessons for the rest of our lives, they can be our life partners. If what we had to learn from someone has been absorbed, the relationship turns stale and breaks apart-that is simply what's meant to be. No amount of work or stubborn attachment can mend it.

This is SUCH a spiritual concept. God sends people that can provide the best lessons for our inner evolution. Once we mature into people that can openly welcome these lessons, we will be able to find our life partners. Until then, no matter how mature we think we are, we first need to complete our childhood with (a) temporary lover(s). I was reading A Return to Love simultaneously and was shocked to come across this exact teaching within that Christian-aligned-spiritual book.

I am so grateful this came into my life. I am so grateful for the person that broke up with me. I am so grateful for the lessons I will forever cherish and build upon throughout my life. Thank you Daphne Rose Kingma.

[Bethany Loper · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great read... but that's enough for me with relationship books for a while. The shadow work it forces on me makes me cringe lol

[Alexander Ninnim · Rating 5 out of 5]

My Notes..

"You can’t do this to me

You can’t do this to me the more specifically painful form of this can be happening to me occurs when the ending of relationship marks the completion of developmental phase for one person for the other

For the other person the ending feels like a disaster. It feels like the wrong time the last thing in the world that he or she ever wanted to happen. It feels like a unilateral decision person who is the victim of the decision, feels devastated and ripped off. You can’t leave me the children are too young. You can’t leave me to raise them all by myself. Can’t leave me. I’m not done with school. I’ll never be able to finish without you. You promised you’d help but now you’re leaving. I’m perfectly happy you can’t leave me I don’t want this I don’t need this. What’s the matter with you you can’t just up and leave me you.

What’s the matter with you? You can’t just leave me can’t leave me. I’ll go crazy. I’ll kill myself. I can’t live without you. You can’t leave me. You can’t leave me. I can’t fail marriage again. Another time you can’t leave me. My parents will never get over it will they say it’ll break their heart you just can’t leave me , you can’t leave me I can’t live by myself I can’t stand being here alone you just can’t leave me I can’t take care of myself. You can’t leave me it’ll be the end of my career end of my business, the end of my reputation end of my image I can’t manage without you you’re not allowed to do this to me, you can’t leave me. It’ll be the end of me financially curtains disaster. I’ll be broken you’ll lose everything you’re crazy you can’t leave me clearly.

The truth is that any relationship that one person clearly wants to end is a relationship that is outlived, usefulness or come to the end of its lifespan one person doesn’t want to be in it to the extent of starting to negotiate the ending. It’s clear that there is only one person in that so-called relationship relationship is no longer a relationship It’s one person having a fantasy a relationship exist. The person who is unilaterally having the fantasy and that is always the one who says I don’t see why she seemed perfect to me, is revealing by those remarks the fact that there has been an incredible breakdown in the relationship. The person making those statements has obviously not even been aware of the extreme, discontent distancing, or even absence that the other person has been feeling or acting out, it’s always true when a relationship ends that one person plays the role of the instigator to a greater degree than the other for example, the husband who has had 42 affairs and walks in after 30 years of marriage and says I’m leaving I’ve been terribly happy and I’ve been fooling around for 15 years is playing the role of the instigator to a wife who is perfectly happy in that marriage did not have a husband who loved her. She had a social circumstance that included whom she referred to her husband whether she acknowledges or she was experiencing withdrawal and non participation, even though she may not have been conscious of the truth is that she was not could not have been in a happy marriage.

It’s important to remember that the people who are left can very easily begin to think of themselves are victims as they have not participated in the decision being made against them.


After the initial denial of what is occurring it gradually dawns on us that in fact, the relationship is ending.
Panic is the emotion that attends the facing of this terribly uncomfortable reality.

I’d do anything if somehow we could just forget all of this and make it go away”
Tell me it was just a bad dream

[Sasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

TL;DR The popular perception that relationships are meant to be forever holds many people back from finding happiness - either stuck in a bad relationship or upset about leaving one that wasn't working

Kingma reframes the motive of relationships as a way to achieve one's developmental tasks - receiving attention, kindness, encouragement that one might not have had exposure to before/ working towards finding stability that wasn't present in childhood. Each relationship has 'gifts', that you keep even when it ends. Through a kind of hierarchy of needs model, Kingma argues that one looks for someone who can help them achieve their developmental task, and once that is fulfilled, seeks to complete the next pressing task. If however the next pressing task is in conflict with the other person's developmental task, or the other person hasn't finished fulfilling the first task, it is likely the relationship will end in order for both parties to search for someone who can fulfil them.

An example she gives is of a couple who were poor growing up and wanted most of all to own a house. They had a shared goal of saving for the house and eventually bought one. They had a few children, lived a stable life. Having this need of hers met, the wife wanted to go to graduate school and focus on her career, while the husband wanted her to be home with the children, like the mother he never had growing up. In the end, they got divorced and found spouses that would support them in the way they needed to be supported.

By reframing relationships as something that is often not meant to be forever, Kingma advocates for finding joy and appreciating whatever your partner gives you that has allowed you to fulfil your "developmental task". The rather radical argument she makes throughout the book is countered by the end where she says eventually when all the tasks have been completed, or if you find someone who's needs are complementary to your own - layer after layer, that is when you find the person you are stable with.

I enjoyed the many stories Kingma shared as a marriage counsellor. It brought her theories to life.

[Nikki Morse · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was helpful. It's been 6 months since my relationship ended, and I haven't been able to think or process much outside of the particularities of the dramatic and shitty ending, or the day to day realities of surviving. But there is more outside of that, and there are learnings and healing that can come from a little perspective. This book helped with that. It's not the most profound thing ever, it's a little proscriptive and totally heteronormative - and I'm glad I read it and would recommend it to others surviving a break up.

[Leroy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life - not kidding or being corny - and is helping me get through a wonderful but brief relationship that recently ended and has moved to no communication.

Everyone should read this because it really explains how and why relationships end and some good ways to deal with it.

[Cdorich · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read if your in a relationship and need to get out. This book helped me so much and I've recommended to several others that it also helped. It was recommended to me by my therapist at the time.

[Nate Tucker · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Coming Apart" offers a profoundly pragmatic perspective on the end of relationships. The central thesis of the book is that relationships are akin to journeys. And just like every journey, when a relationship concludes, it's not indicative of failure. Instead, it should be viewed as a phase of introspection and self-learning.

Drawing from a philosophical perspective that emphasizes the importance of understanding one's past, the book sheds light on how our childhood experiences shape the decisions we make in adulthood. It delves into how certain behavioral patterns or flaws can be traced back to our early years and how recognizing these can pave the way for personal growth and evolution.

The book not only possesses deep, worthwhile insights but also offers practical advice. It provides readers with tangible steps on navigating the aftermath of a breakup, understanding the personal growth achieved during the relationship, and recognizing areas where further growth is needed.

[Christine Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book for getting through heartbreak. I started this book immediately after the worst breakup of my life and it made all the difference. The exercises are so helpful and really push you to be realistic about your relationship. I love the emphasis on separating the positive lessons and experiences from the traumatic ending — I felt like it gave me permission to move on without losing everything I had loved from the relationship. I can’t say I was fully over it by the end of the book, but the exercises quickly pushed me past the denial stage and gave me the tools I needed to process everything on my own.

I can’t recommend this book enough, I give it to all my friends going through heartbreak.

[Nico · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quando una relazione finisce ci si sente di colpo soli, vuoti, senza meta, senza più voglia di far niente.
Io, da lettrice quale sono, mi sono ancora una volta rivolta ai libri, per cercare risposte di cui avevo bisogno, per cercare la mia storie in mezzo alle altre.
Questo libro è stato il mio primo passo verso una vita senza di lui, ma per me è servito a poco, in quanto la mia storia non sono riuscita a trovarla qui. Ci ho trovato però la mia storia precedente e mi ha fatto capire tante cose che a suo tempo non avevo compreso.

[JessQueen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Coming Apart

Thoughts 💭🧠 and feelings ♥️

Here I go:

This book helps you go through a tough moment in life.

It provides strategies, explanations, examples and even a workbook to go back to being yourself after a traumatic experience.

I don’t consider this book as a self help book.

This book is for your self development.

If you’re not willing to work on whatever bothers you, this book is not for you.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/5

[Rhonda · Rating 3 out of 5]

First of all, to anyone who might know me, I am not ending my relationship...I am simply going through the books in my Nook and reading them during this period of COVID-19 isolation.

This book examines WHY we get into relationships, what we look for in a relationship, what draws us to them, and how to deal with their demise. Pretty good insight.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not sure I agree with relationships as being a means of completing a developmental task, but this book is the most concise and practical book on breakups I have read so far. I've felt stuck after my breakup five years ago, and this book helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Looking forward to completing the exercises and getting closure.

[Emelia LaFortune · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading the chapter on stages of grief at the end of a relationship blew me away because I had felt every single thing. I also loved this idea that a relationship can fulfill its purpose by filling a developmental need. I have been able to look at the ending of my relationship in such more vivid detail because of this book.

[Lauraine Neal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stunning how helpful

The exercise and the content were very useful. I brought this book during my divorce and hadn't read it until after. It was therapeutic. A definite winner. Something for everyone no matter what stage you are at in your process.

[Kari Ni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty helpful. The author's style is simple and straight, so don't expect any sugar-coated morals. A great advicer through loss and despair on the way of healing, hope and happiness. Wish I had known this book much ealier.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was my therapist during a difficult 2007-2008 break-up. Dissected my own actions and part I played in this relationship and learned a lot of life lessons. Quote: “We tend to see relationships as permanent.”

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

As i remember it, i'm fairly certain i liked this one.

[RevRita Jackson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful! A must read!

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful.

[Louise Nguyen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not going through heartbreak, but does provide some interesting insights and perspectives on relationships

[Leigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is definitely catered to heteronormative monogamous, and mostly married couples. Nonetheless, the sentiment can be carried over to any ending relationship. It was helpful.

[Saraí Del Desierto · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book to people looking for clarity on the purpose of relationships or moving forward/healing from a relationship ending or changing.

[Trevor · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful reframe on the purpose of relationships, how to end them and how to heal from the ending.

[Mary]

Important, extremely helpful book

[Dee’s Cozy Corner Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perspective at its best related to relationships.

[Alexandra Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really appreciate the practical activities/exercises