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Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship
What’s holding you back from a great marriage?
“I don’t believe in ‘okay,’ ‘decent,’ or ‘solid’ marriages. I’m against them,” says M. Gary Neuman. “I believe only in great marriages, and that you should expect and reach for no less.” In the last fifteen years, M. Gary Neuman, marital therapist and architect of the Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program, has helped thousands of couples in crisis. Couples who fight. Who’ve grown apart. Who are stuck in relationships that run more on routine and rancor than love and understanding. What he’s found is that, contrary to popular belief, the problem is usually not poor communication. It’s the failure to put most of your focus into your marriage. You’ve only got so much energy. Are you spending it by being emotionally unfaithful?
Take a quick Do you send that funny e-mail to your friends at work—but not to your spouse? Do you chew over all the problems on the job so thoroughly with your colleagues that by the time you get home, you just don’t feel like going into it all over again? Do you get a secret thrill out of flirting with coworkers—thinking it’s safe because you know it’s not going any further? If so, you’re committing emotional infidelity—and you’re draining your marriage of the energy it needs to be great. Learning how to break this cycle is one of eleven secrets M. Gary Neuman shares in his provocative new book.
Based on the ten-week program he’s developed in his successful couples counseling practice, the book offers guidelines that are often counterintuitive, even outrageous or shocking. But they work. Dare to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. Dare to need each other. Dare to put in writing the nitty-gritty realities of a marriage plan. Dare to put your marriage before your kids or job. Dare to make love in a whole new way. Dare to change your make the commitment to focus on each of the eleven secrets (ten plus one bonus secret) for one week apiece and you’ll reap the rewards of a transformed marriage and a reconfirmed relationship.
M. Gary Neuman’s program is guaranteed to challenge you and make you reexamine the myths holding you back from true happiness and satisfaction. It will change your marriage forever.
“I don’t believe in ‘okay,’ ‘decent,’ or ‘solid’ marriages. I’m against them,” says M. Gary Neuman. “I believe only in great marriages, and that you should expect and reach for no less.” In the last fifteen years, M. Gary Neuman, marital therapist and architect of the Sandcastles Divorce Therapy Program, has helped thousands of couples in crisis. Couples who fight. Who’ve grown apart. Who are stuck in relationships that run more on routine and rancor than love and understanding. What he’s found is that, contrary to popular belief, the problem is usually not poor communication. It’s the failure to put most of your focus into your marriage. You’ve only got so much energy. Are you spending it by being emotionally unfaithful?
Take a quick Do you send that funny e-mail to your friends at work—but not to your spouse? Do you chew over all the problems on the job so thoroughly with your colleagues that by the time you get home, you just don’t feel like going into it all over again? Do you get a secret thrill out of flirting with coworkers—thinking it’s safe because you know it’s not going any further? If so, you’re committing emotional infidelity—and you’re draining your marriage of the energy it needs to be great. Learning how to break this cycle is one of eleven secrets M. Gary Neuman shares in his provocative new book.
Based on the ten-week program he’s developed in his successful couples counseling practice, the book offers guidelines that are often counterintuitive, even outrageous or shocking. But they work. Dare to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. Dare to need each other. Dare to put in writing the nitty-gritty realities of a marriage plan. Dare to put your marriage before your kids or job. Dare to make love in a whole new way. Dare to change your make the commitment to focus on each of the eleven secrets (ten plus one bonus secret) for one week apiece and you’ll reap the rewards of a transformed marriage and a reconfirmed relationship.
M. Gary Neuman’s program is guaranteed to challenge you and make you reexamine the myths holding you back from true happiness and satisfaction. It will change your marriage forever.
320 pages, Paperback
First published October 23, 2001
33 people are currently reading
142 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
April 28, 2011
I found this book to offer both wise and unconventional advice as far as marital therapy books go. While I did not agree with everything, the author made some very important points worth examining. I found the title to be somewhat of a turn-off, but the content was thought provoking with some uncommon sense thrown in. The author offers an encouraging message amid the pervasive cynicism surrounding marriage today: a couple shouldn’t settle for a mediocre marriage, but should strive for a great one. He isn’t offering or promoting any quick fixes though – he believes that a marriage takes time and effort to build and maintain. If you do read this book, you need to read it with an open mind. There is very valuable advice here.
The main criticisms of this book seem to revolve around “secret #1" or emotional infidelity. I do think the author goes a little overboard here, but he does a good job providing food for thought regarding a lack of boundaries with the opposite sex. Furthermore, some readers seem to have taken what he says WAY out of context.
The current consensus in marital therapy is that an affair is a symptom of a deeper problem within the marriage, not something that ‘just happens’ randomly without reason. Furthermore, it isn’t about the sex necessarily; it’s about one spouse’s emotional needs not being met by the other spouse – and finding someone who does meet them or “understands” them. The author doesn’t disagree with this. In fact, his point is that emotional infidelity is one of those possible sources that can lead to an affair. Therefore, limit interactions with the opposite sex, particularly where you find yourself confiding things you don’t tell your own husband/wife. Realize that you’re undermining the trust in your marriage by doing this and question why you’re doing so.
I believe there is a collective denial regarding human nature that exists today. Certain aspects of human nature have been around since time immemorial, regardless of culture or what is politically correct at any given time. Having a new culture with different customs won’t change our nature. While we have become more enlightened about the issue of opposite sex friendships on the one hand, I find there is conversely an odd naïveté surrounding these friendships and one's true feelings. It seems that jealousy and envy often go unacknowledged, if outright ignored. If they are acknowledged, the person feeling jealous or envious feels guilty about feeling the way they do - of course there are exceptions.
Some people may disagree with this. That’s fine. What is acceptable to each couple must be determined by the couple themselves – as is the case for all of these “secrets”. They are not rules to be followed, but guidelines to be observed. What’s important is both you and your spouse reflect and communicate with each other about these "secrets" and understand each other’s expectations and beliefs around them.
Lastly, I think this book makes a nice compliment to John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” – a great book on marital therapy.
The main criticisms of this book seem to revolve around “secret #1" or emotional infidelity. I do think the author goes a little overboard here, but he does a good job providing food for thought regarding a lack of boundaries with the opposite sex. Furthermore, some readers seem to have taken what he says WAY out of context.
The current consensus in marital therapy is that an affair is a symptom of a deeper problem within the marriage, not something that ‘just happens’ randomly without reason. Furthermore, it isn’t about the sex necessarily; it’s about one spouse’s emotional needs not being met by the other spouse – and finding someone who does meet them or “understands” them. The author doesn’t disagree with this. In fact, his point is that emotional infidelity is one of those possible sources that can lead to an affair. Therefore, limit interactions with the opposite sex, particularly where you find yourself confiding things you don’t tell your own husband/wife. Realize that you’re undermining the trust in your marriage by doing this and question why you’re doing so.
I believe there is a collective denial regarding human nature that exists today. Certain aspects of human nature have been around since time immemorial, regardless of culture or what is politically correct at any given time. Having a new culture with different customs won’t change our nature. While we have become more enlightened about the issue of opposite sex friendships on the one hand, I find there is conversely an odd naïveté surrounding these friendships and one's true feelings. It seems that jealousy and envy often go unacknowledged, if outright ignored. If they are acknowledged, the person feeling jealous or envious feels guilty about feeling the way they do - of course there are exceptions.
Some people may disagree with this. That’s fine. What is acceptable to each couple must be determined by the couple themselves – as is the case for all of these “secrets”. They are not rules to be followed, but guidelines to be observed. What’s important is both you and your spouse reflect and communicate with each other about these "secrets" and understand each other’s expectations and beliefs around them.
Lastly, I think this book makes a nice compliment to John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” – a great book on marital therapy.
August 12, 2012
Neuman believes in great marriages, not good ones, and his advice seems solid to me. There isn't much in the piles of marriage books that emphasizes that emotional faithfulness is just as important as physical faithfulness. "We can't divide ourselves in many directions without losing the intensity in our marriage."
He also encourages deep knowledge of each other: "...listen, learn, and share all you can because you have this one chance to know someone more intimately that you will ever know another human being."
The counsel to be committed to making a marriage work as a team no matter what we learn about each other is vital, as is the shift to focus on the problem as the enemy, not on one of the partners.
It isn't a book that is read swiftly, and it ends on this note, which is part of the reason why I will now start again at the beginning: "Believe in your marriage. Only you can make it work. Make the decision that you want a great marriage, and do the time-consuming, loving work to create it. It's worth it."
He also encourages deep knowledge of each other: "...listen, learn, and share all you can because you have this one chance to know someone more intimately that you will ever know another human being."
The counsel to be committed to making a marriage work as a team no matter what we learn about each other is vital, as is the shift to focus on the problem as the enemy, not on one of the partners.
It isn't a book that is read swiftly, and it ends on this note, which is part of the reason why I will now start again at the beginning: "Believe in your marriage. Only you can make it work. Make the decision that you want a great marriage, and do the time-consuming, loving work to create it. It's worth it."
September 4, 2007
I can't express how much I love this book. It's helped so much with the outlook I've had on marriage and how I've approached mine these last 2 years. It's made me realize that I'm not the only person who feels the way I do at certain times. I feel so much better to know that the problems and thoughts I've encountered are normal and there's always a way to get through it.
I've learned alot from page 1 all the way through and I'm definitely going to put it into practice. I read it with my husband and we've both noticed we've been doing some things a little wrong and it's helped us both understand our faults and weaknesses and given us ways to improve.
It's helped us understand that every couple just feels like giving up sometimes but that's when it's most important to remember what brought ya'll together in the first place.
I really really suggest this to every single married couple and to always pick it up when you're in doubt.
I've learned alot from page 1 all the way through and I'm definitely going to put it into practice. I read it with my husband and we've both noticed we've been doing some things a little wrong and it's helped us both understand our faults and weaknesses and given us ways to improve.
It's helped us understand that every couple just feels like giving up sometimes but that's when it's most important to remember what brought ya'll together in the first place.
I really really suggest this to every single married couple and to always pick it up when you're in doubt.
January 31, 2020
Great book with self help exercises that work.
April 27, 2009
I dont buy what he is selling!
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews