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The Guide to Compassionate Assertiveness: How to Express Your Needs and Deal with Conflict While Keeping a Kind Heart
Speaking up for yourself has benefits, but it has costs, too. Many people who struggle with assertiveness are paralyzed by worries that they’ll seem mean, petty, or that they will hurt the other person’s feelings. Even though they want to speak up, they may keep their true needs and opinions to themselves because of these fears—eventually building stress, resentment, and alienation. The Guide to Compassionate Assertiveness does not require that readers ignore the needs of others and focus solely on their own desires. Rather, this unique blend of cognitive behavioral therapy-based assertiveness training and Buddhist psychology helps readers practice assertiveness skills while caring deeply about the welfare of others.
This book helps readers develop a form of assertiveness that emphasizes collaboration, negotiation, and compromise. It focuses on speaking up for the benefit of others and speaking up for the relationship, not just one’s own needs. In this way, readers learn to assert their needs in ways that match their compassionate value systems. This book is the ideal assertiveness guide for those who are afraid of rejection, have a deep concern for how others perceive them, often feel judged by others, or have difficulty expressing their feelings and needs. Readers learn to apply assertiveness skills in all domains of their lives, including in romantic relationships, as parents, at work, and in social settings.
This book helps readers develop a form of assertiveness that emphasizes collaboration, negotiation, and compromise. It focuses on speaking up for the benefit of others and speaking up for the relationship, not just one’s own needs. In this way, readers learn to assert their needs in ways that match their compassionate value systems. This book is the ideal assertiveness guide for those who are afraid of rejection, have a deep concern for how others perceive them, often feel judged by others, or have difficulty expressing their feelings and needs. Readers learn to apply assertiveness skills in all domains of their lives, including in romantic relationships, as parents, at work, and in social settings.
216 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2012
20 people are currently reading
151 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
April 15, 2014
I was hoping for something to use in conjunction with Boundaries by Henry Cloud. This book focused more on developing empathy. However, an over-developed sense of empathy is precisely why I am looking for help in sticking up for myself and communicating my boundaries more strongly. (Wow, talk about an over-share on Good Reads!)
May 16, 2016
This is not the sort of book I would usually read. Yes, I do have problems with assertiveness and have suffered negative consequences due to it, but no, I am not a fan of self-help books. I can see the merits of them but I feel that there are so many out there that are a load of dog turd and probably ones that can be harmful as well. I bought this book on a whim, mainly because it said that it combined psychology and Buddhist teachings and I thought that could be interesting. I was not wrong, it was an interesting read, though I can’t say that I have taken much away from it or applied it to my life. There is a good chance that that’s down to my laziness though.
The test at the beginning was fun to do but I found that the results were way off the mark, which made it difficult to apply them to the tasks and ideas at the end of each chapter. Of course, it is important to remember that not everyone is going to fit into the boxes perfectly. The example applications to real life were good as they aided the understanding of the context and allowed you to see the skills you were supposed to be picking up in action. I did try the tasks that it set and found them to be quite relaxing, but I don’t think I took any of it forwards in life.
I suppose that the important question to ask is, ‘did I become more compassionately assertiveness through reading this book?’ The answer is no. I feel this has more to do with myself than anything else though. Do I think others could become more compassionately assertive through reading this book? Maybe. I think that those that always put their needs before anyone else’s and will step on others to get what they want may benefit from the book, but again, they would need to put the work in and I’m not too sure on the likelihood of that…
Although this book was an interesting read and it was interesting to do some of the tasks it set, I don’t feel that it has made a difference in my life. Maybe it could do to someone else’s. Don’t discount it.
The test at the beginning was fun to do but I found that the results were way off the mark, which made it difficult to apply them to the tasks and ideas at the end of each chapter. Of course, it is important to remember that not everyone is going to fit into the boxes perfectly. The example applications to real life were good as they aided the understanding of the context and allowed you to see the skills you were supposed to be picking up in action. I did try the tasks that it set and found them to be quite relaxing, but I don’t think I took any of it forwards in life.
I suppose that the important question to ask is, ‘did I become more compassionately assertiveness through reading this book?’ The answer is no. I feel this has more to do with myself than anything else though. Do I think others could become more compassionately assertive through reading this book? Maybe. I think that those that always put their needs before anyone else’s and will step on others to get what they want may benefit from the book, but again, they would need to put the work in and I’m not too sure on the likelihood of that…
Although this book was an interesting read and it was interesting to do some of the tasks it set, I don’t feel that it has made a difference in my life. Maybe it could do to someone else’s. Don’t discount it.
August 23, 2022
I think I expected something a little different from this book: how to assert myself in ways that are compassionate as opposed to upsetting. I think the last chapter potentially gets at that. The rest of the book talks a lot about our shortcomings and what to change, and that's odd because to be assertive you have to believe in yourself.
Currently reading
July 6, 2020I'm re-reading sections of this for the 3rd time, in conjunction with "Radical Candor" and "Stillness is the Key" -- balancing empathy, boundaries, appropriately tempered assertiveness (especially if you are female, heaven for bid you should show any kind of emotion) remains a tricky business.
June 13, 2015
Some points were useful and interesting, but a lot of it was very repetitive and it fell short of my expectations. 2.5 stars overall
October 22, 2013
I thought this book was a gem. The big take away for me from this is the list of "Basic Principles of Compassionate Assertiveness."
The author describes these as:
1. Actions are the result of complex causes and conditions.
2. Actions have consequences.
3. Intentions matter.
4. Follow the middle way.
She gave small case studies in each chapter to highlight someone who had a problem and then solved it using the methods she described.
This is the first book I've read about a specific cognitive behavioral therapy treatment combined with a spiritualistic approach. This is a great read for someone who wants to combine healthy assertiveness with a spiritual practice, specifically Buddhist, but I think you could mold these teachings to fit most any religion or belief system.
The author describes these as:
1. Actions are the result of complex causes and conditions.
2. Actions have consequences.
3. Intentions matter.
4. Follow the middle way.
She gave small case studies in each chapter to highlight someone who had a problem and then solved it using the methods she described.
This is the first book I've read about a specific cognitive behavioral therapy treatment combined with a spiritualistic approach. This is a great read for someone who wants to combine healthy assertiveness with a spiritual practice, specifically Buddhist, but I think you could mold these teachings to fit most any religion or belief system.
June 26, 2013
Re-hashed Buddhism with some secular pop psychology throw in for good measure. Book opens with a personality test and uses the result of that test a schema for defining your particular approach to assertiveness. If you buy into the Buddhist approach to life then this book is for you. I don't buy in so I found the book a waste of time.
June 17, 2016
Not as good as NonViolent Communication. I appreciated the buddhist content.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews