You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married): Looking for Love in the Age of Divorce

by Dana Adam Shapiro

A timely collection of brutally candid break-up stories resulting from three years of interviews by an Oscar-nominated documentary filmmaker, You Can Be Right ( or You Can Be Married) began as an oral history about the failures of an age-old institution and evolved into a practical marriage guide as racy and romantic as it is revelatory.

Fast approaching the age when bachelors go from seeming curious to seeming weird, Oscar-nominated documentarian Dana Adam Shapiro set out across the country with a tape recorder in search of modern answers to an age-old

Why does love die—and what can we do to prevent it from happening?

It all began as a self-help journey in the purest sense. A serial monogamist for more than two decades, Shapiro had just ended his fifth three-year relationship and wanted to know why the honeymoon phase never lasted until the actual honeymoon. Believing that you learn more from failure than from success, he spent the next four years interviewing hundreds of divorced people, living vicariously through the romantic tragedies of others, hoping to become so fluent in the errors of Eros that he would be able to avoid them in his own love life.

The result is a timely treasure trove of marital wisdom—a provocative look inside the hearts, minds, beds, and e-mails of regular people who’d thought they found “The One” and lived to tell the tales of what went wrong. Shockingly intimate, universally relevant, and profoundly personal, this is a page-turning, voyeuristic peek into the private lives of our friends and neighbors that is as racy as it is revelatory. But ultimately, You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married) is a hopeful investigation of modern love and a practical guide for any couple looking to beat the roulette-level odds of actually staying together forever.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Marriage, Psychology, Self Help

256 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2012

Reviews

[Geoff Little · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mr. Shapiro writes a book on his favorite subject (one also explored in his recent film Monogamy): the shit love puts us through. The book is one story after another (is literally him interviewing scores of folks, some he barely knows) of divorce. But in each story, the take-aways are many, and the meta is: you survive. And in some cases, you thrive knowing now what you did not know then. Shapiro lets the storytellers reveal how they could not have *not* had the life they had. Their personalities are richly displayed, and you can sometimes see the neediness or wild pathos still burning right in front of you. Still, they are framed with much compassion by Shapiro: they went into relationships because it was the best they knew, much like our own experiences.

I am the same age as the author more or less, also never married. I too am only a few parties away from being the creepy old guy no one can remember inviting. "You..." is a pleasing chill pill of hey - the grass is always greener, and be careful what you wish for. The details in each of these vignettes are expertly framed. Those interested in fodder for fictional characterization will be much pleased. Some of these stories were one act plays - fully formed!

Don't worry, the book is not a downer. In his supersharp style, he leaves you smiling with a great story at the end.

One of the best and most original reads of 2012 so far. Well done.

[sash. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book. It's definitely one of the best books I've read all year. If you're recovering from a brutal break-up, divorce or any kind of cruel instance love has dealt in your life -no matter the stage you might be in- this is a perfect pick-up.

It's a self-help book in a lot of ways, entirely insightful and thought-provoking and at its thoroughly healing.

tT made me laugh a lot (surprisingly!). A friend of mine commented that she would be a wreck if she read it and I told her I found it healing. And it really is that.

I wouldn't recommend reading it and listening to Channel Orange at the same time, but the wisdom in this book is exceptional. I ended up doing a lot of highlighting, I ended up seeing some of my own shortcomings reflected in a relationship I had in the past and learning a lot about love and romantic relationships.

So long story short, it's definitely worth the read.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was so interesting and unique! The author, Dana Shapiro, has recently ended his 5th 3-year-long-term relationship and he was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with him - why didn't his relationships ever make it past 3 years? So, with the mindset that you learn more from failure than from success, he spent 4 years interviewing hundreds of divorced people to see what they learned about what went wrong and what to do or not do again. He divides the book into 3 sections - Accelerating the Inevitable (self-actualization or dealing with your own quirks), Discussing the Dirty (sexual issues/incompatibilities), and Engaging the Elephants (verbal communication - or dealing with any elephants in the room/relationship). Some of the stories are told in more of a story format while some are in more of an interview format. There was a LOT of really great advice throughout the book. I would warn potential readers that some of the stories are pretty graphic - either with curse words or in describing sexual issues/affairs. Overall, I really thought this was a great book - lots of great advice and put together in a cohesive way.

Here are some quotes I really liked:

"If you really want to love and be loved, you need to accelerate the inevitable and just admit your shit. Because it's all going to come out anyway." (p. 16-17)

"What's present in my marriage now that wasn't present in the other two is respect. I pitied one and had an accommodation with the other. But I didn't respect either of them and they didn't respect me. And that's the most important thing. The very best you can hope for is that you've got somebody who's gonna respect you enough to go through the day-to-day bullshit and be honest with you. That's the most romantic thing in the world." (p. 34)

"How the hell did I get away with it [an affair]? I was a cheater and a liar, and it takes one to know one. That's why he never suspected me. Because he's not a cheater and a liar." (p. 101)

"Ninety percent of the secret to being married is the commitment to the process of being married. Whatever comes your way - problems with sex, problems with money, whatever - it's essential that you're both committed to working out a solution where both people are represented, where the well-being of the other person is just as - if not more- important than your own. It's an easy thing to say ideologically, but it's really, really hard to do, especially the younger you are." (p. 220)

[Tian · Rating 4 out of 5]

A worthwhile read if only to hear the stories that so many ordinary people have, but nobody talks about. Some stories being quite extraordinary, like the woman whose husband turned out to be an international arms dealer. I would not necessarily consider this to be a self-help book, but at least it provides some confirmation that many ordinary people walk into marriages with the best intentions only to find themselves divorced much later.

[Alwaleed Helmi · Rating 2 out of 5]

Short stories about people's experiences with marriage. What they/their spouses did wrong and what they learned from them.

[Alyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really appreciated the real insights from many different married people, and loved the author’s insight as well

[Arlie · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting look at love in a time where only half of all marriages survive, Shapiro has interviewed a large variety of people on the demise of their relationships. However, there was not as much takeaway from this book as I anticipated. I guess I thought it would be more like an extended version of this blog (http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways...), a blog that challenged me to really make sure I'm evaluating my own actions and honouring my spouse. But it wasn'tIt was more depressing in that a large part of the population seems to lie and cheat. Or it seemed that way while I was reading it, but really, there were also a lot of people who didn't cheat.

Two surprises for me: a lot of people marry people they shouldn't. As in, they get married without really being themselves or truly getting to know the other person. I guess I was able to avoid this partly because I don't wear makeup. Ha! And mostly because I was married quite young, I think before I really had to worry about not getting married.

So it was an interesting book, and while being yourself and having strong communication are certainly incredibly important, I don't think those in of themselves are enough. Love is also about prioritizing another person's needs and responding in love even when you're angry and you don't feel like it. It's about making sure that your spouse stays your favourite person. And a bunch of other things.

[Kris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow! What a book. Shapiro filled his book with interviews that are heart felt and honest from divorced folks from all walks of life. This book is not just for the divorced. It is for anyone who is interesting in fostering an honest and productive relationship with their partner. Some of the comments made were brutally honest and enlightening. Some comments made me cringe as well and were not for the squeamish. But let’s be real, marriage isn’t for the faint of heart anyway is it? I didn’t just read this book, I devoured it.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did not learn anything from this book. There were two main themes: 1. you will have a better relationship if you wait until you are in your 30s to settle down, and 2. The only way to make it work is to respect the other person. I agree with both of these ideas. Before my 30s I didn't know what I wanted in a partner, or my life, and now I have a better grasp on that. Additionally, I recognize that if I don't respect someone, it will never work. Although I didn't learn anything new from the book, I really liked the format and the stories. It is worth reading for the entertainment value.

[Christine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book quite a bit. The author interviewed many people as to the demise of their relationships and what went wrong. I enjoyed the honesty of the stories and the humor in some of them. As much as I enjoyed the book there is not much take-a-way from it to apply to your own relationships. As enjoyable as it was, if your looking for something to apply to your situation this is not the book for you. You might find that you are able to relate to some of the situations but that is about as far as this book is going to take you.

[Yulia Ivashkova · Rating 5 out of 5]

38 year old man, incapable of taking his relationships any further than 3 year romantic love phase, looks for an explanation why so many people - including himself - fail to develop mature love and stable relationship. He interviews divorcees who are not scared of dipping into their past and talking about lessons learned.
Great insight into love and relationships. I would love to share the book with my SO - wish he would agree to read it...

[Kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

I rather enjoyed this book. The format of short stories intertwined with one-on-one interviews make it a fast read and because every 3-4 pages we encounter a different character and a new story it's hard to get bored with the book. It has a feeling of eavesdropping on real life conversations between ordinary people who could be your neighbors or friends. A lot of this book is common sense and it has some pretty good advice for those of us who have been, are or never been in a marriage.

[Do Shim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not preachy. Just a collection of personal experiences and what they got out of it. Then, you do the math. Analyze your personal relationship and see how you can salvage, maintain, or better yours. Like it because no judgement on what each person went through, acceptance of journey, and no one claims to have THE answer.

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's nothing I enjoy more than hearing the grimy details of someone else's breakup. I would recommend this book for the interview with the 94 year old woman alone.

The advice is pretty solid, too, but like most good advice, is easier said than done.

[JallisByDesign · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book wasn't what I thought it was going to be and it's so much more than a "self help book". The individual stories are well written and surprisingly funny. Shapiro writing style is witty, down to earth, and he really captured the people he interviewed. "John" was my fave!

[Larry · Rating 2 out of 5]

Catchy title, but not really what I was looking for. A few of these stories are amusing, like the
woman who realized she was married to an international arms and drug smuggler. Mostly though just
depressingly similar stories about people who had affairs and got divorced.

[Reneeantrosio · Rating 3 out of 5]

To say one really likes reading over 25 interviews of people telling about how they came to be divorced doesn't seem to fit. And yet, I read them all in the course a few days, which says something, considering how many books I start but don't finish.....

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a collection of interviews and stories about love, marriage, divorce, and sometimes remarriage. It tries to answer the question of why some marriages end. It doesn't have any amazing conclusions, but interesting ideas to ponder.

[Vsam · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It was a collection of different people's story of married life after divorce, what they learned, what went wrong. It offered tons of advice, each story had at least one take-away to carry into you life. I may re-read and go on a highlighting spree.

[Shelby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Didn't finish

[Sarinah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book especially the ending! It’s the kind of book that is serious and funny at the same time.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Scared the heck out of me, mostly, but it definitely had some good advice that I will take back to my marriage.

[Nancy · Rating 1 out of 5]

In the book, the author noted he wanted to write a book like Studs Terkel, sadly, it didn't work. I like Studs Terkel's books, this one just seemed very lifeless.

[Schuisano · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very interesting and exciting to read. I literally could not put it down and read it in one day. I highly recommend it.

[Tammy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was so interesting. Loved getting some insight into other people's marriages. There is so much to be learned from others mistakes.

[Janell · Rating 3 out of 5]

I heard an interview of the author on NPR and thought it sounded like an interesting book. That's pretty much what it was- interesting to read people's stories. I enjoyed it.

[Jules Barnett-Harrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was insightful, funny and a little melancholy.