It's Not All About Me: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone

by Robin Dreeke

Despite the age-old saying, individuals everywhere still have a hard time realizing that it’s not all about them. Robin Dreeke uses his research and years of work in the field of interpersonal relations and behavior to help readers focus on building relationships with others in “It’s Not All About The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone”. Dreeke has used the techniques listed in “It’s Not All About Me” with skilled professionals within the law enforcement community as well as with sales professionals, educators and individuals across the country and world. He knows the information provided will apply to business professionals of all sectors, those just entering the workforce and those leading companies. “It’s Not All About Me” offers readers a look into the human mind, explaining how it really works. From reading body language to massaging egos in order to learn more information, Dreeke provides techniques he’s tested and mastered when it comes to building rapport with others. In some aspects, Dreeke’s “It’s Not All About Me” is about the individual and his wants, goals, desires and dreams. The 10 techniques covered in this guide will help readers achieve their goals by treating others well and placing communal wants and needs above individual ones. Dreeke believes the short and simple nature of his guide to building rapport makes the points easy to understand and adapt to one’s life. ** Warning, the content of this book is so effective that the reader should think carefully about how it is used. Dreeke does not endorse or condone the malicious use of these skills. **

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Communication, Business, Personal Development, Leadership

102 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2011

About the author

FROM RECRUITING SPIES FOR THE FBI TO RECRUITING ALLIES IN BUSINESS:
Robin Dreeke is an accomplished Executive Coach, Best-Selling Author, and Professional Speaker with an impressive background. As a Marine Corps Officer and retired FBI Special Agent, he served as Chief of the Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis Program where he honed his skills in Recruiting Spies and Behavioral Assessment. Today, Robin has translated his expertise into his unique Interpersonal Communication Strategies that focus on Recruiting Allies in business. Since 2010, he has been working with Executives, Corporations, Entrepreneurs, Military, and Law Enforcement to help them Forge Trust, Solve Challenges, and Lead. Robin's People Formula has helped countless individuals and teams achieve quick, measurable results and maximum success. Whether you're a newly promoted leader, executive, sales team member, or customer relations specialist, Robin's proven strategies will help you excel.

Reviews

[Amal Shoeib · Rating 4 out of 5]

To some sum points mentioned the book:
1. Defer your judgment. Give people from space to talk about themselves without being judgemental.

2. Suspend your ego; stop talking about yourself and your success. Instead, focus on them, their interests ,their values and be genuinely curious about them.

3. Be an active listener. do not plan what you're going to say next. listen and mirror their body language and sincerely be interested in what they say. Besides you have to paraphrase to ensure that you understood well what they were saying.

4. Ask them about the challenges they have encountered in life. Encourage them to talk about themselves

5. " make sure the other person walks away better for having me you".

The book sums up so many points that we might know but do not realize their impact, so we forget to do them more frequently.

[Beth F · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t enjoy small talk or chatting with strangers so everything about this book made me feel uncomfortable. However, since I opted for a career in Corporate America instead of holing up in a cabin with four cats and an Internet connection, I regularly find myself having conversations that remind me that I’m an awkward buffoon and although I don’t enjoy it, being able to carry on conversations with people is a useful skill.

The author is with the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program so he’s literally an expert in getting people to divulge information. My needs aren’t critical to national security but they are needs all the same and there was material in this book that I can use.

[Literary Ames · Rating 4 out of 5]

Clear and direct techniques for approaching strangers and having meaningful and rewarding conversations with them, from an FBI agent in the Behavioural Analysis Program. Conveying your intent, body language and tone of voice, are very important. Definitely something I would refer back to in the future.

[Maria Miaoulis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love that this book delves right into the subject matter and explains everything in detail, but without being wordy and repetitive. The techniques are pretty straightforward, and Robin gives great examples on how they can be executed in the real world. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I already incorporate many of these tips in my daily interactions, but it really helps to have someone show you how to use them more effectively, not necessarily to manipulate others, but rather to leave people feeling better for having met you. Highly recommended guide!

[Marta Lis]

Okay soooo it was useful, I can not say it wasn't.
It wasn't ground-breaking, more like... eye-opening. Really enjoyed it and found it useful. Funny, too.

[Grahamshircore · Rating 3 out of 5]

Short and succinct it goes through the material that a lot of these sorts of books unnecessarily pad out into 300 pages.

Unfortunately it's not just short but poorly written and could do with a decent proof read. Shame given the content is useful as it makes the book seem a bit lazy rather than just succinct.

[Lesa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good items of advice, and good to point out that it takes practice. I think this might be helpful if you have social skills deficits.

[Ryan Thorpe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I very much wanted to not like this book. It feels manipulative. There is a warning on the back that the techniques are so effective they should only be put to good purpose. It seems a bit silly.

But at its core, the book has a simple message. If you change your perception of other people, you can be more attentive to and supportive of them. The result will be better relationships. And the author explicitly notes: you do not need to do this to achieve anything. Doing it for itself will make you the folks around you happier and your life more pleasant.

The other nine techniques are really just examples of things you might naturally do, once you adopt the right mindset. And I suspect that with the right mindset, you may not even need to remember the nine other techniques, since they will sort of just happen as you express more interest in and concern for your conversation partner.

So why ten techniques instead of one mindset? I suspect it markets better, though I would be curious how the author thinks about that distinction.

Anyhow, I enjoyed the book, I learned from it, and ultimately I think the author espouses a life affirming view of interpersonal relationships. I just wish it sounded a bit less manipulative, because I feel that mindset detracts from what could otherwise be a book I really believe in.

Four stars!

[Natalia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Raczej nic nowego się nie dowiedziałam, plus za przyjemną formę, szybko się czytało.

[Marshal · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of my favorite books and I'm certain that I will read it again and again. It offers some great advice for quickly building relationships. The material is presented in a concise and easy to understand format. Even the most shy or introverted individual can benefit from this book.

If you have problems starting conversations or have ever felt you have trouble finding the right words, this book will help.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It offered information quickly and engaging. I’ve read many books that had wonderful ideas, but they simply repeat themselves over and over only to increase the page numbers. Dreeke writes efficiently and precisely. That’s not to say I didn’t also enjoy the the short stories to share his points as well - because I did. Excellent book for anyone looking to improve their interpersonal skills and influencing skills. Thanks for a wonderful book Dreeke!

[J. Schmidt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pretty disappointing! You can find the "top ten techniques" and plenty more in many other books. Given that we cannot read all the books on the market, I would strongly adivse reading "Just listen" and "the Charisma Myth". They will provide 100x more valuable insights than this concise book.

[Tawni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good reminders and ideas of how to be a better listener. When you listen and focus on others, you will be very liked and I know I want to be liked ;)

[Sydney Abel · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that will 100% make you a better conversationalist

Thanks Garrett for this rec! You are the best!

[Alexander · Rating 2 out of 5]

Average

Book is pretty basic in it’s advice on how to build rapport. I was expecting more insight on how people think.

[Surabhi Diwan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, I selected this book with a very different perspective going by the title. But this book is about how you can strike a conversation with just anyone and may just become the most liked person in a room full of people, or how easily people will be able to trust you only with the little changes you bring in the way you talk.

Written by a retired FBI special agent, he gives hands-on technique on how easy it is to talk to someone. though the sentence may seem very flat you but there are deeper concepts he explains in the book. Eg. how listening carefully to people is the best gift you can give them, how non-verbal affirmation helps boost confidence in people. After listening to people, summarising what you heard from them and what you understood shows how interested you were and that you had the intent of listening to them. These small behavioural patterns not only help people but they also develop liking towards you. The author strongly emphasises on how we should not allow emotions to overpower our calm mind. How ego suspension can actually avert unwanted and unnecessary stressful and traumatic situation and experience in life. Also, he gives examples of how demographics also is the reason behind how people talk and think. He gives his own example. He grew in the south of New York, in the outskirts, and so he was fond Yankees. When he came to New York he realised that even college basketball is a big thing. These are the things that I liked but honestly most of the things were not really helpful. Like I would not want to go and talk to a stranger to know things about them, show interest in their lives and a lot of things that he said felt obvious. I understand some of them were experiments but it just did not strike a cord. We learn those things in professional settings. I don't think it was necessary to put in the book. But I guess that is the thing with self-help books. A few things might be helpful and the rest won't be.

I would say 60% of the book was fine for me. The rest of the 40% was new and I definitely learnt something.

Thank you Netgalley for the audiobook!

[Mark Oppenlander · Rating 2 out of 5]

Robin Dreeke is (or was) an FBI Special Agent, and a trainer at Quantico. According to his bio, he taught social engineering and interpersonal skills and led the Behavioral Analysis Program. This book attempts to distill lessons Dreeke learned from years of field work designed to get people to open up and talk.

I almost didn't make it through the first chapters of this book. The proofreading and editing of this slim volume prove to be quite bad, and the frequent typos and clumsy sentence structure are highly distracting. It took me a while to settle in for the bumpy ride. In addition, the layout and structure are dull and unappealing.

Nonetheless, the ideas in the book could be useful, especially to someone who is a relative novice at meeting people and striking up conversations. Even as someone who has interviewed people for a living for more than 16 years, I found some interesting nuggets in Dreeke's writing (e.g. artificial time constraints was a new one to me). Still, as several other reviewers have noted, most of these ideas are not new, and have been covered in other books. If you've read material on interviewing techniques, salesmanship, behavioral psychology, or rapport building, much of what Dreeke has to say will likely be familiar. Dreeke seems to think all of his ideas are original and groundbreaking, which makes him an annoying tour guide.

If it were not for the weak writing, horrible editing, and amateurish layout, this book might have earned three stars from me. To give it four stars or more would have required more revelatory content.

[Lauren Petrullo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honestly it’s a 4.5 starts almost a 5.

Great techniques. A lot of which can be assumed but without be articulated can be easily forgotten.

I’m a total extrovert and make friends quickly. And a lot of this felt intuitive, but honestly, I still learned tons!!!! And have found myself identifying the techniques after the fact correlating it to parts of the book.

#10 managing expectations was the BEST part. His wife’s personal story made me feel super heard and understood.

I lived for the best technique being saved for last.

I definitely need to practice that and suspending ego a lot more.

Why it wasn’t a 5 stars:

I got confused with one of the techniques (building sympathy), the bar scene stories didn’t articulate the technique as well as the others had. And the story of the woman on the plane was infuriating.

Both of those stories felt forced to a path that didn’t align with my approach. Totally fine, I bet is ok for others. Simply my $0.02 on why it wasn’t perfecttttt.

On the plane, he had an agenda and she had a test.

I’ve been her and I have friend to make it clear that I’m studying on the plane and not interested in talking to a guy.

Other than that, the book was stellar. I’m super duper stingy with 5 stars.

I know it’s not fair. But I would read this again. I read a physical copy and want to print the ten techniques and pyramid design to have in my office for a reminder.

Keen to read more books by him.

Great length. Great techniques.

4.5 stars for sure!

[Kevin Stecyk · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Worthwhile, Informative, and Easy Read

This book is a helpful primer to striking up conversations with those around you.

I have been reading about negotiations, and this book falls into that category. As a negotiator, you have to be comfortable with making others feel comfortable.

And besides, this is just a good life skill to possess.

By nature, I am an introvert and tend to remain quiet. But I do make a deliberate effort to say hello to people on my walks and when meeting people in other circumstances.

My one complaint with this book is that Robin K. Dreeke, the author, often used his family to help break the ice with stranger. For example, he was on a plane and used pictures of his children on his laptop to break the ice with the woman next to him. I would have preferred that he relied on something else because not all of us have cute children.

Even with my one complaint, I found the book a worthwhile, informative, easy read.

[Alex Drysdale · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great primer if you're at all interested in the subject.

Also a great recap if you've read extensively on the subject before.

There are so many great books on this topic that it can make your head spin, this one seems to fit the bill no matter how well read or experienced you are on the subject. If you're a newbie than this is a short, concise, and easy read that will teach you the fundamentals and give you some real world examples.

If you're experienced, it serves as a great reminder of the important basics and is the perfect pocketbook size have laying around and quickly flip through the pages as a reminder.

It is however not as professionally written or printed as the many other books on the topic but personally I read for content, and this one provided it.

[Aleksandar · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've said it before that Briggs-Myers is astrology for business majors; if a book quotes such a methodology and Dale Carnegie, you're better off reading something else. Looking at the sources of a book can really save you time. Still, I was heavily criticised for this "bibliography-based prejudice"so i read the book to see if maybe i'm being close-minded. Nope, this is the same repetative Corey summary with some New Thought and preudoscientific thought. For a better experience, i'd recommend "Your brain at work" and "In 59 seconds", as well as "Spy the Lie" Still, the book gets an extra star for featuring an "Ego Suspension Pyramid". Maybe "Never split the difference" , or "The Like Switch" approach what this book would have been and will be more useful to you.

[Sandy Maguire · Rating 2 out of 5]

For a book called "it's not all about me," the author sure likes to talk about himself a lot. Some of the advice is worth keeping in mind, but this isn't enough to save the book. Unofruntately, the majority of the prose here is bad social science explanations and lots of boring personal anecdotes ("one time I had road rage but decided not to get mad!"). Save your money and your time by finding a listicle on Buzzfeed or something about this stuff -- it'll probably be higher quality than this drivel.

[Steve Spinks · Rating 3 out of 5]

Where was this author's editor during the production of this book? There were a few ideas worth exploring in there, but I had to wade through his discussion of "hunter-gatherer" mythology to get there. And since it's "Not All About Me," why are there so many personal anecdotes? This book was a disaster, and the only reason I gave it three stars is that you can go through and highlight the bold print and mostly have all the relevant content.
Don't get me started on the atrocious grammar and stilted writing. This guy was supposedly a long-time FBI agent. That makes me sad.

[Mik Pearl · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unless you're an ex feral child who was abandoned by his parents as an infant and raised by wolves up until the day you were rescued as a non-verbal socially inept teen, this book probably won't contain anything useful for you. Basic, obvious tips (give gifts to people!) followed by pseudo-scientific paragraphs about evolutionary psychology (we like gifts because we were hunter gatherers!), not a source in sight. The author was desperately trying to reach the bare minimum word count to make the book publishable

[Brandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this book on audiobook and it was a pretty quick read. It gives you 10 tips on how to improve conversations with others and to make others feel heard. Overall I liked the tips that were provided but some were annoying to me. There was an example of trying to stir up conversation on an airplane while a girl was studying. I understand wanting to talk to others but when I'm on a plane especially doing work, I don't necessarily want others talking to me.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

After finishing this book and applying some of the techniques outlined, not only did I become immediately aware of several of my communication shortfalls, I also realized how fulfilling a conversation with others can be. This book is an excellent guide for developing self-awareness, managing expectations, and gaining confidence with your day-to-day interactions with others.

[Gaurav Pandey · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author of the book recounts his experiences of what worked for him to pull off a conversation with a complete stranger. He has discussed about the subtleties people either miss out on or rather fail to over come due to the hard wired human genetics; always tries to place in the ego first before other's.

[Rezza Shah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is such a joy to read. It's so simple to understand and it is not filled with too many fillers. The techniques are so simple to learn. I personally read it 3 times just so that I can remember the anecdotes better. To me, this book is perfect for anybody who aspires to be a good "conversationalist".

[Brian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Robin Dreeke, FBI counterintelligence specialist and behaviorist, head of FBI's Behavioral Analysis Program, US Naval Academy grad, Marine Corps officer gives tips on building rapport.

Well written, short, clear, and to the point. Good points and can be utilized in everyday interactions. Worth the read.

[Vytautas Ziedelis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a bad book by any means, the techniques listed are valid ones and more or less self-explanatory. I wouldn't call them techniques, I would refer to them as soft skills for great conversation.
So in summary, this book teaches you how not to be a jerk in conversation... Not a game changer, but useful.