Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye

by Lois Lowry

Natalie Armstrong has all a girl could want: beauty and intelligence, a loving family and a great boyfriend. But something is missing; the answer to a most important question: "Who is my mother?"

To find that answer seventeen-year-old Natalie begins a journey that she hopes will lead to the identity of her biological mother. And what if Natalie finds her? What will happen when they meet face-to-face?

Genres: Young Adult, Fiction, Adoption, Realistic Fiction, Family, Childrens, Book Club

192 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 1, 1978

About the author

Taken from Lowry's website:
"I’ve always felt that I was fortunate to have been born the middle child of three. My older sister, Helen, was very much like our mother: gentle, family-oriented, eager to please. Little brother Jon was the only boy and had interests that he shared with Dad; together they were always working on electric trains and erector sets; and later, when Jon was older, they always seemed to have their heads under the raised hood of a car. That left me in-between, and exactly where I wanted most to be: on my own. I was a solitary child who lived in the world of books and my own vivid imagination.

Because my father was a career military officer - an Army dentist - I lived all over the world. I was born in Hawaii, moved from there to New York, spent the years of World War II in my mother’s hometown: Carlisle, Pennsylvania, and from there went to Tokyo when I was eleven. High school was back in New York City, but by the time I went to college (Brown University in Rhode Island), my family was living in Washington, D.C.

I married young. I had just turned nineteen - just finished my sophomore year in college - when I married a Naval officer and continued the odyssey that military life requires. California. Connecticut (a daughter born there). Florida (a son). South Carolina. Finally Cambridge, Massachusetts, when my husband left the service and entered Harvard Law School (another daughter; another son) and then to Maine - by now with four children under the age of five in tow. My children grew up in Maine. So did I. I returned to college at the University of Southern Maine, got my degree, went to graduate school, and finally began to write professionally, the thing I had dreamed of doing since those childhood years when I had endlessly scribbled stories and poems in notebooks.

After my marriage ended in 1977, when I was forty, I settled into the life I have lived ever since. Today I am back in Cambridge, Massachusetts, living and writing in a house dominated by a very shaggy Tibetan Terrier named Bandit. For a change of scenery Martin and I spend time in Maine, where we have an old (it was built in 1768!) farmhouse on top of a hill. In Maine I garden, feed birds, entertain friends, and read...

My books have varied in content and style. Yet it seems that all of them deal, essentially, with the same general theme: the importance of human connections. A Summer to Die, my first book, was a highly fictionalized retelling of the early death of my sister, and of the effect of such a loss on a family. Number the Stars, set in a different culture and era, tells the same story: that of the role that we humans play in the lives of our fellow beings.

The Giver - and Gathering Blue, and the newest in the trilogy: Messenger - take place against the background of very different cultures and times. Though all three are broader in scope than my earlier books, they nonetheless speak to the same concern: the vital need of people to be aware of their interdependence, not only with each other, but with the world and its environment.

My older son was a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force. His death in the cockpit of a warplane tore away a piece of my world. But it left me, too, with a wish to honor him by joining the many others trying to find a way to end conflict on this very fragile earth.
I am a grandmother now. For my own grandchildren - and for all those of their generation - I try, through writing, to convey my passionate awareness that we live intertwined on this planet and that our future depends upon our caring more, and doing more, for one another."

Reviews

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought I had read this book in childhood during my Lois Lowry obsession stage, along with the Anastasia Krupnik books and Number the Stars, but it seemed completely unfamiliar this time around. I think I must have buried all memory of it because it's so completely forgettable. While the plot appeals because it seems somewhat novel for a YA book (adoptee looking for her birth parents before internet, etc. made this a relatively easier task) the stereotypical character development and juvenile dialogue makes the weakest of the Lois Lowry books I've read.

Someone mentioned that it's one of her earlier books, and I can believe it - it reads like an awkward and somewhat immature attempt at tackling a *gritty, real-life* issue. And unlike some of the other reviewers, I was annoyed rather than charmed by her constant attempts to demonstrate the extent of Natalie's mother's and grandmother's kookiness. Yeah, yeah, they're arty and wacky, I get it. I am really tired of this trope in YA books. The extended scene involving Natalie and her friends howling over her mother's account of her wild and crazy fun with dandelions is especially terrible. These teenagers must be leading pretty G-rated lives to consider Natalie's mom the height of risque.

[Infosifter · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lois Lowry is brilliant at writing good books for kids about emotionally difficult subjects. In this story, Natalie has always known that she was adopted, but she knows nothing about her birth parents or how they came to give her up. Her loving adoptive parents don't understand why this matters so much to her, but they want to support her choices so they make it possible for her to go on a journey of discovery. Along the way, she learns important lessons about when to hold on to people,and when to let them go. Some of the big what-if questions regarding the potential pitfalls of learning about birth parents are broached rather harshly, but Natalie feels ready to handle any trauma that might result from the search. Much of this story is about how she seeks the answers she needs, but it also deals with how she copes with the answers once she finds them.

[ash · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nicely rendered and so very, very of its time. Though I remember life before the proliferation of the internet, this was like a window into an unimaginable era for me. Having to call the library in another state just to get information about a school! I spent a lot of time thinking about how much harder things were before you could simply find information on the internet. I remember the spottiness of pre-Google search engines (AskJeeves!) and using encyclopedias (though those had turned digital as well, by the time I was really doing research papers) but the archaic fact-finding in this was just wild. An enjoyable read with a lot of nice emotional observations and articulation. I always love that Lowry isn't afraid to just go ahead and let her characters think the poignant things.

[Kricket · Rating 4 out of 5]

another piece of teen fiction resurfacing from my youth! natalie armstrong loves her parents and sister, but can't help but wonder about her birth mother, who gave her up for adoption when she was just days old. when natalie graduates from high school, her parents give her the resources to begin her search. but will what she finds answer her questions?

this book is so dated that all the outfits sound awesome again. i think they should re-release it with a snazzy new cover, although the internet would certainly change the way natalie goes about her search. overall very well done and thoughtfully written, and i'm glad i picked it up again.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this when I was a teenager and it spoke to me as an adoptee. I have no idea how I would feel about it now, but I would hope it's still relevant.

[Wade Walker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll just say that this book did not end the way I thought it was going to, but not because of some elaborate, twist conclusion. I thought the protagonist, Natalie, would find her birth mother and discover that she was dying of some ravaging disease like cancer; hence, finding a stranger and then having to say goodbye. But, I was wrong. Natalie does find her birth mother (I don't think that's a spoiler), but not quite in the circumstances Natalie was expecting. It turns out that Natalie's birth mother is actually very successful and a bit of a jerk, and Natalie decides that she is not someone she really needs in her life, even after all she went through to find her.

I have to say I enjoyed the process Natalie undertook to find her mother in a late-1970's world. It was like putting together a puzzle one paragraph at a time. Many phone calls to libraries, HR people, record halls, and Information, along with a few road trips to retrace the steps of her mother's early life in small-town Maine. It was a quaint, cozy trip away from the present with its lightning-fast Google searches that can find more than you probably want to know about a person with just the click of a mouse. I also thought on more than one occasion how much times have changed with privacy laws; many people that Natalie talked to over the phone were quick to give out personal information on past employees, students, etc. connected to Natalie's mother, and that just wouldn't fly today.

The copy of this book that I read is a first edition, first printing, and the inside flap says "Ages 10 and up." But there are quite a few references to sexual intercourse or things of a very obvious sexual nature that I wouldn't want anyone younger than maybe 14 or 15 to read. Maybe kids were more mature in 1978; who knows? All in all, I enjoyed reading this early novel from my favorite author.

[Vi · Rating 4 out of 5]

So I actually enjoyed this book. I loved the adventure Natalie went on, discovering more about herself and maturing in the process. I thought it was interesting that she found her mother and was disappointed that her mom couldn't be happy with who she was, but in the process found her dying grandfather. It was a light read and I think one of her earlier works but I still enjoyed it.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh. My. Gosh. I thought I had read most of Lowry’s books, but I stumbled upon this book in a kindle search. I usually can judge a book based on the probability that one of my favorite students will throw it across the room- and this book has serious throwing power! 😉 It was a pretty quick read, and such a great story. I would love to read this book with a group of my adolescent girls!

[Jen Andrews · Rating 2 out of 5]

My least favorite book from Lois Lowry so far.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

"If you get a fat letter, it means you've been accepted. If you get a thin letter, forget it."

Natalie Armstrong is about to graduate from high school. The year is 1977. Before she begins college, Natalie wants to search for her biological mother. She loves, loves, loves her parents. Her father is a doctor, and she wants to be one too. Her mother is wonderful kind of crazy. Her younger sister, Nancy, is a true friend. She's not wanting to find her mother out of emptiness or loneliness. Not really. But the need to know her mother, her mother's story, is strong.

Her parents gift her--for graduation--a box with all the information they have on her adoption. Her grandmother gifts her with correspondence. (Letters from her mother to Natalie's grandmother).

Where will her journey take her?

My thoughts: I enjoyed this one very much. It is a thoughtful character-driven novel. I loved spending time with Natalie and her family. My two favorite characters were Natalie and her grandmother, Tallie. I especially loved their conversations together. I also love how it captures the promise and potential of that time of life. Everything is in a state of change, the only thing certain is that one door has closed forever.

"Sometimes we have to hurt people, in order to keep ourselves whole. We must just do it with love, that's all."
"That doesn't make much sense to me," admitted Natalie.
"Where is it written that anything has to make sense? All I mean is that when you have to hurt someone you love, do it honestly. And you're doing that. You could have sneaked around and done what you're doing. It would have been more difficult, of course, but you could have done it, Natalie. And you didn't. You told them exactly what you were doing. And it hurt, but they know you love them." (63)

[Angie · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars, one added for nostalgia

I have read this book multiple times, the first couple being when I was a teen/young adult. I loved it and it was one that stuck with me. I could remember scenes and conversations, characters etc even up to now, many years later. Unlike others I didn’t find it trite or dated upon this reading. It was genuine and I enjoyed it. A great book about adoption from both sides.

[Jaclyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The more I think about it the more I liked everything about this book. It’s very sweet and fun and wise.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read some of the reviews, and they must be from younger people, who now depend on the Internet to do their searches. The character in this book, Natalie, was born in 1960. She did her search for her birth mother in 1977. Her adoptive parents gave her documents, that easily led her to find her birth mother. She had to do some traveling, and make some phone calls.

I worked as a child welfare worker in the mid 1960's. I worked with unwed mother's, and with adoptions. I have since helped a few people find their birth mothers. It is not usually as easy, as this book implies.

This book is still a good read. It dealt with the hurt feelings of her adoptive family. She loved her family, but she felt something was missing. She wanted to know her roots. It helped her to learn the circumstances of her birth, the age of her parents, the small community where she was born, and to learn about her grandparents.

[Melody · Rating 4 out of 5]

A thoroughly enjoyable book about a bright, beautiful, successful girl's search for her birth parents. The search for one's self is perhaps universal to teens, and more so for teens with holes in their history for whatever reason. Lowry handles the topic of adoption with grace and sensitivity. The characters just sing- they fairly jump off the pages. Tallie is one of my favorite characters ever, and I can forgive Lowry the execrable The Willoughbys on the strength of this and of course, Anastasia Krupnik.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of those books that I read when I was actually the intended audience and it has stayed with me. Seventeen-year-old Natalie has it all, but she feels like something is missing. Adopted when she was 5 days old, she knows nothing of her birth parents. Her loving family agrees to let her search. I always loved her eccentric family, and I go back and re-read this one from time to time. It may seems a bit outdated, but I like it, and for the time, difficult topics were handeled quite well.

[Rebekah · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were things I didn't like in this book, but for the most part, I liked it alright.

I liked the pacing. I was afraid it was going to go into a detailed subplot or two about her relationships with her boyfriend and her family, but it didn't. It focused on the main things: finding her birth mother and finding out what her story meant to her. So the narrative jumped smoothly, but without unnecessary meandering, from one weekend trip to the next weekend, or to the next relevant conversation.

[Kera · Rating 1 out of 5]

Didn't even finish. Had some language and sexual content. I think I'll stick to her YA novels. This one did not interest me.

[Karalea · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much. I loved hearing the story unfold from the view of the adoptee.

[Sally Kruger]

Natalie has wonderful parents, a fun-loving sister, and an eccentric grandmother. She has always known she was adopted. Her parents have shared the difficulties they had conceiving a child and the frustrations of dealing with adoption agencies. When they were approached by a doctor from a small town in Maine, they jumped at the chance to be parents to a baby girl who needed them.

Now Natalie is graduating from high school and will soon be headed off to college where she plans to study medicine and follow in her father's footsteps. Life has been good for Natalie, but there's one problem. She is feeling a bit lost and incomplete. She knows there is more to the story of her birth and adoption, but fearing that her parents will be hurt, she hesitates to ask them for their help.

After an uncomfortable conversation, Natalie discovers that her parents are supportive of her quest. They are hurt that she feels the need to search for her birth parents, but they offer her time and money to follow her dream.

Natalie starts in the small Maine town where she was born. It seems that each door that opens to her is followed by disappointment. Her search is difficult, but her determination is strong.

FIND A STRANGER, SAY GOODBYE by Lois Lowry is a quick read that defines family and the sacrifices made for love. I stumbled across this novel published in 1978 and was surprised to see it was written by Lois Lowry. It definitely stands the test of time and is worth adding to any library or classroom collection that doesn't already have a copy.

[M.M. Wilcox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never have I seen a more aptly titled novel.

This book details the summer of Natalie Armstrong as she goes on the search for the woman who gave birth to her. Lois Lowry manages to capture the raw emotion of her parents, her sister, her boyfriend, and Natalie as they grapple with Natalie's decision to embark on this quest. From a small town in northern Maine to the big city of NYC, Natalie stops at nothing to find out about her past and who her mother was, despite her many doubts. She grapples with her own decision and, eventually, finds a way to find a stranger and then say goodbye. AT the end of the book, there is simply a wonderful twist that you have to stay for.

I will be honest, I wasn't sure about the book at the beginning. It was slower-paced and almost boring in Natalie's small hometown of Branford, Maine. But when we learn about Natalie's desire to find her mom and the way it affects her family, I really got into it. Lowry manages to describe and show these emotions perfectly, and even someone who never experienced anything like it could see it as clearly as a summer's day.

Content warning:
Teen pregnancy

[AnaCembo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have never ever read a book written in 1970, and i must admit that i´ve loved it!
You can tell about how they treated the literature back then, without a rush and the humor is very delicate.
Though it may seem like the main story is the search that Natalie carries out to find out who is her biological mother (she has always known that she is adopted), for me the book it`s about meeting her family.
How hilarious is her mum, how much she has learned from her dad, the support of her sister, and how fascinating is Tallie, her grandma. We get to know them and love them, so that make us think, if Natalie has such a great life, why is she so focused in find where is the woman who gave birth to her?
Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye is a story about changes, about rediscover who we really are and learn to say goodbye when the time is right. Because goodbyes are also parts of everybody´s stories.

[Sunz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Simple but poignant, Lois Lowry's second novel published in 1978, Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye, is a young adult fiction about an adopted teenage girl searching for her biological mother.

Natalie Armstrong had a loving family, an understanding boyfriend, great friends, and a bright future. What could be better? She stood out because of her good looks and intelligence; still and all, she doubted whether she's lucky or not. Something was missing in her life, something that scared her. But she must find it, face it, and know the truth once and for all. In the summer before going to college, she put considerable effort into finding the answers to the questions she had posed. Who was she? Why did her mother give her up? Who was her real family?

Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye is a light and wholesome read. Natalie’s journey in searching for her mother is logical and easily done but the surprising turnaround of the events added zest to the well-written storyline.

[Angel Rose]

Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye by Lois Lowry is for a younger reader. My Libby app had it as an audiobook suggestion with no wait so I gave it a listen since I've always liked Lois Lowry.

Natalie Armstrong is about to graduate from high school and start college in her quest to be a doctor like her father. Natalie has always had some serious questions about her life and family since she was adopted as a baby. Her parents are upset but understanding, and as long as she continues her job at her fathers' doctors office she can use her summer to search for whatever answers she needs about her birth parents.

Her journey starts with a letter from the lawyer who set up the adoption, but it's been 18 years and now he's dead. Thankfully, it's a very small town and Natalie gets put on the right track.

Spoiler Alert/Trigger Warning:
*
There is an inappropriate age gap between Natalie's birth parents. Also there is the death of a parent/grandparent.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This isn’t one of Lois Lowry’s most famous novels, but it’s a wonderful book. The book follows Natalie the summer after she graduates from high school as she searches for her biological mother. The book takes place in the seventies, so Natalie’s research involves driving to different towns, looking up newspapers and yearbooks in libraries, reading old journals, and handwriting letters. Lois Lowry writes such wonderfully well-rounded characters. Even very minor characters such as the lady running the boarding house or the mentioned but never seen Aunt Helen are fleshed out characters with personalities of their own. The best part of the book is Natalie’s relationship with her parents, and how she imagines what it was like for them when they first drove to pick up their five day old daughter.

[Laurel Garver · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked the periphery characters in this one much more than the protagonist. The story feels very much of its era--that is, it's really pithy, not much deep delving into the characters.

In the Kindle edition I had, for some reason reason most of the book was IN ALL CAPS. IMAGINE READING TENDER MOMENTS WRITTEN LIKE THIS! Yeah, I think this little technical glitch might have taken away more from the reading experience than it should have. But hey, I did persist and finish because I'd hoped this story would be as moving as Summer to Die, my most favorite of all Lowry's books. It's not really in the same league, sadly.

An okay, but somewhat forgettable book about an adoptee who wants to find her birth parents. Does so without too much difficulty despite being pre-Internet, and then...well, it wasn't quite as earth shaking as you'd hope.

[Caitie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe a 2.5 stars. I don't know how to feel about this book, on one hand it was an interesting look at adoption and finding your birth parents in the pre-internet age, but on the other hand it was too short and lacked a little depth. I understand that Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye was written in 1978, but even for that time it feels incredibly dated. It didn't have time for Natalie to explore the repercussions of finding her birth parents. Her adoptive parents seem nice enough but their reactions to Natalie's decision is to say things like: "weren't we good enough?!" and "but we're your family!" I mean, yikes! What kind of parent reacts this way?! Of course your daughter is curious about her birth family!

I just don't know how to react to this one, I know that Lowry is a good writer, but it just didn't work 100% for me.

[MJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read the Rainbow BooklistQueen Challenge - Orange - Great, relatively quick, read about the many emotions of being an adopted child. I found myself having to frequently remind myself that the book was written in 1978 and set in the 60s to late 70s so the struggle to find someone involved in a private closed adoption was very different from today. I think Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye was truly a glimpse into the rollercoaster of experiences of so many individuals involved in an adoption journey and the incredibly wide range of emotions from a single person. So much has changed but in many ways, nothing has especially when it comes to the reasons for choosing adoption to the desire to know why.

[Brandon Scarpaci · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book especially for older readers. I believe that many older readers would really be able to relate to Natalie. I also believe that this book would be good for younger readers because any child would be able to relate to this story. The main character is a girl named Natalie Armstrong who was adopted. Natalie wanted to find her “real” parents, and her adopted parents gave her a clue so she could find them. Natalie eventually tracked down her parents, but only to realize she was with her “real” family all along. This book can be used for kids who can relate to this story, or as a reminder that even if it isn’t an “ordinary” family it doesn’t mean it isn’t a good family. Personally, I enjoyed this book because of the relatability when I read the book (I was a teenager).

[Sarah Eagle · Rating 5 out of 5]

*CW for the R word mentioned in the first 50 pages*. Keep in mind, this book was written in 1978.

I love Lois Lowry. I adore her prose, her eloquent and down-to-Earth descriptions, and most of all, her characters. Everything I’ve read of hers with the exception of one book, (it was Messenger) I’ve liked or loved so far. This was no different.
It’s a a girl’s, Natalie’s, journey to discover the identity of her birth mother, and the reasoning behind her adoption, but she discovers so much more along the way. Lowry doesn’t write action-packed, plot-heavy books. She writes delicious slow-burners that open up slowly and methodically with the care and precision not common enough in YA Literature today.
Would definitely recommend.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did not realize this was a coming of age story when I initially picked up the book.

I saw an author I've enjoyed before and assumed this was for an older audience.
While the book is definitely written about a graduating high school senior, the style lends itself to any older teen reader.
This can easily be read in one sitting. Lowry does a good job creating the world. As a reader, I wanted Natalie to find everything she was searching for so she could go on to school with nothing holding her back.
Lowry also does a great job building in the options of what could happen - so as not to make the situation seem too unreal.
Overall I ranked it 3/5 just because it doesn't stand out, but it's not bad.