Created to be His Help Meet

by Debi Pearl

Somewhere over the passing years and changing culture, women have lost their way. This book is written to lead them back home. Regardless of how you began your marriage or how dark and lonely the path that has brought you to where you are now, I want you to know that it is possible today to have a marriage so good and so fulfilling that it can only be explained as a miracle. Follow Debi Pearl as she takes the wisdom and experience of her own marriage and confirms it with the wisdom of scripture and learn how to be the “help meet” that God created you to be. You will learn to appreciate God’s gift of a husband with a thankful heart that produces joy and wisdom in you and your home. Gain a better understanding of who your husband is and how your response to him can make or break your marriage. See the Bible’s perspective of obedience and authority and understand how you are joint heirs to the promises of God. The miracle of a wonderful marriage is like the miracle of birth, God allows you to be an essential contributor to the miracle. Read, enjoy and be blessed as over 330,000 other women already have.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Christianity, Christian Living, Self Help, Relationships

297 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Melissa · Rating 1 out of 5]

When I started this book, I did so with a day time bible study group and an open mind. Truly there are some helpful nuggets in here, but they were almost completely lost on me because by the middle of the book I had had enough of her self-righteous and harsh criticisms. There was a great lack of love for women in general, her sisters, in this book. I am very hard to insult and my feelings don't get hurt easily, I am a lover of the truth and appreciate the need for the truth to be told, and sometimes we need to have someone to "shake" us out of our sin, but this was hard for me to read. Everything is woman's fault. Everything. If there is a problem in your marriage, it's your fault. If your husband has a sex addiction it's because you aren't doing your your job. If he's "being a jerk", it's because you aren't setting the right tone in the home.

Something that really bothers me is her abuse of the bible at times. She had said that David's sin of adultery would have been prevented if Bathsheba hadn't bathed on the roof... well, let's pretend that the God didn't actually say that it was David's fault (through Nathaniel). Let's pretend that it wasn't the custom in those times to bathe on the roof, the only place that had privacy in homes those days. I am not saying they she didn't bear any of the responsibility, because she did, but I am appalled at how that scenario was turned so that the Pearls could prove just how evil women are. Another thing that really bothered me was the twisting of Deborah. She actually used this story as proof that it is shameful - SHAMEFUL! - for women to lead at all. Who was ashamed? Certainly not God, for He had delivered the victory into the hands of a woman (Jael) because of Barak's ungodly response to Deborah's instruction! I don't know if his response ("I will not go unless you are with me") is cowardly or scoffing her, I haven't figured that out, but it is obvious that God was displeased with BARAK, not Deborah. Also, she is great at advising women to go to their husbands with their emotional needs and I wholeheartedly agree, but warns that spending too much time with women and getting close may result in you becoming a lesbian (she didn't use that word, but she definitely alluded to it, I would get the direct quote but I threw the book away as soon as I was done.) Jesus said that the world would know who we are by our love for each other, and he didn't seem at all worried that a deep love for fellow sisters or brothers would become something unnatural perverted.

There was some advice that was given that absolutely scared me. One was advising women who were feeling pain during intercourse to suck it up meet your husband's needs... Ladies, if you are feeling pain during sex GO TO THE DOCTOR!!! Any pain during what is a normal bodily function means that there is something wrong, not that you need to deny yourself, merrily pretend there is nothing wrong and get through it. Another thing that bothered me is a woman was confessing that her husband was breaking into cars and having her stand guard. Debi's advice was to call the cops and turn him in...not that I disagree with that, but what about going to her husband and asking him to confess and come clean himself, allowing him the opportunity to do the right thing? How about confessing herself since she was helping? These would be biblical and godly instructions. Another thing - and this is the last one, I promise - she instructs women to visit their husbands in jail who have molested their children... and to bring their molested children with. There is a time for forgiveness, there is a time for confronting your offender, and yes he is their father, but this turned my stomach and it's in knots writing this. Making an innocent child visit and pretend everything is okay with the man who tarnished and stole their innocence... Don't bad mouth the man, but don't bring him jailbait either. And - okay, I do have one more - I grew tired of her using scare tactics to get the reader to do the right and (in her mind) "godly" thing by your husband. He will have an affair if you don't do this. He will leave you for someone else if you don't do that. You know what? I love God, and I love my husband and I serve both out of reverence for God because it is love that drives me, it is joy, it is security in my faith and in my God. I know he will take care of me and I desire Him above all else... (though a healthy dose of the fear of God is good).

Having said all of this, I will say that I agree about serving, I agree we need to consider others before ourselves, and we especially need to consider our husbands above ourselves. Her take on the Command/Steady/Visionary man was interesting and informative; I did take a little away with me. But I will have to leave the rest. My husband and I read this together, and he doesn't like it at all. He feels like women have been demoted and degraded to nothing when he believes his daughter and I to be glorious, wonderful, intelligent and worthy of godly advice. Women weren't created to be doormats - created for men, yes, but to complete them, not to be subservient - most of all created for God. Dan appreciates me most when I encourage him to think outside of himself, and he thanks me when I push him through laziness just like I appreciate his wisdom and insight and learn from his abandon and zest for life. We were made for men because they are incomplete alone - they are perfectly capable of living by themselves and taking care of themselves, but what they need from us is REAL unconditional love, devotion, respect, honesty and to be and give what they cannot. My husband doesn't want me fearing him, and God wants my joy, not my fear of what will happen if I screw up next - that is the devil's playground. They need a suitable partner, not a subservient one. One size does not fit all in marriage, as all people were made differently with unique gifts, abilities, talents and weaknesses. We make up for each other's weaknesses and build each other's strengths. God loved Hagar and was with her as He with David... God loves all His creation, men and women alike, and I couldn't help but feel that the Pearls are not teaching we are all valuable to Him and women are somehow the worst sort of evil. That may be proven by the fact that at the end of the book they advertise tapes for husbands, but they dissuade women to listen to them so they won't manipulate and use it against their husbands. I will stay away from anything else by the Pearls like it's the Plague nor will I ever recommend this to anyone else.

Just as a side note, the Greek word for "help-meet" came from is "ezer ke-negdo" which literally means "rescue, to save" and "to be strong; power". God would not create something weak, insignificant and subservient for His greatest creation of all: Man.

[Anna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I would give this zero stars if I could. Read six years ago, but I recall pretty vividly - it's a load of misogynistic bullshit.
The basic premise of the book is that a woman's sole purpose in life is to be supportive of her husband. Failing to procreate is sinful, working outside the home, sending your children (you do have more than one, right?) to school instead of homeschooling, missing church, having friends who do not attend your church, wearing your hair short, and questioning your husband for any reason - all sins.

Divorce is simply unthinkable! Even if your husband is abusive, an alcoholic/ drug addict, or just an asshole, he simply needs some help, and your job as a wife is to be supportive of that. If he ends up in prison for beating the shit out of you or molesting your child? It's okay, just visit him (with the kids sometimes - they still need their dad!) and pray for him a lot. Trust that god will "heal" him. (And maybe keep a good attorney on retainer in case it doesn't happen before he gets out.) Plus, you get to figure out some way to support your family without working outside the home!

Need help fixing the toilet or replacing the light fixture? Don't call a repairman to service it (that would be wasting your husband's money), and don't even consider asking your husband (he's tired from working all day to take care of your sorry ass)! Learn what you can from the internet and library, and take care of that shit yourself. If you have been a good wife, he'll notice you're struggling and come to your aid without being asked.

Want to relax with a novel? Please. Only if you have read twice as much "educational" material (like how to fix the toilet) this week!
Want to get someone a gift or go to Starbucks? That's up to your husband - he has total control of the finances, and may choose to give you an allowance to buy groceries or pay certain bills, and more than that if he's feeling generous - but don't even consider questioning his motive, where the rest of it goes, or why you're not allowed to have your own. (Even if you found some way to work from home, it's his money.)

Are your kids excited to see their dad when he arrives home? Well simmer that shit down, because he needs some time to himself to relax before he can be bothered with those annoying little snots. You're the mother here.

Also, your kids must be perfectly obedient and respectful at all times. Your baby is crying and she's not hungry/wet/teething? Switch her (a mini whip pulled from a willow tree). Your toddler won't potty train quickly enough? Don't change his diaper, take him out back and hose him off - that'll teach him! Your daughters should be able to cook, clean, babysit, and generally take care of a household before they're teens, in preparation for marrying them off asap.

You are required to sexually pleasure your husband a minimum of 2 (or 3, I can't remember) times per week. Not so bad, right (assuming he cares about your pleasure)? But say he wants to try anal sex, or he likes to wear your lingerie - now you're responsible to (gently, so as not to hurt his fragile ego) explain that he's a sick perv, and god doesn't like those "unnatural" activities. Then suck him off so good that he won't even remember why he asked! What's that? You mean you don't want to be your husband's fuck-toilet? Too bad, because that's what women were made to do.

[Becca · Rating 1 out of 5]

I do NOT recommend this book. I began the book in anticipation, having heard good things about it from two friends whose opinions I trust. I am very conservative, and I do not disagree with Mrs. Pearl's admonitions to respect and submit to your husband, but much of this book sets my teeth on edge.

My grievances with this book are Mrs. Pearl's consistent hubris and unscriptural assertions. In Mrs. Pearl's opinion, women are at fault for men's sins, from Adam to David (see chapter 11). In contrast, James 1:14 states, "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed." Every man is responsible for his own sin; it is not excusable because of his wife's failings.

In chapter 7, Pearl claims that almost all divorce can be avoided if a wife will merely react properly to her husband. Perhaps that is true if the husband's worst failing is neglecting to take out the trash, but for a wife who has been victimized by her husband's infidelity or abuse, the answers are not that simple. As a wife is not responsible for her husband's sin, neither is she capable of redeeming him. Salvation and the power to turn from sin come only as a man turns to Jesus, "the Way, the Truth, and the Life" (John 14:6).

Further placing the onus of a healthy marriage solely on the wife, Pearl claims in chapter 5, "It doesn't take a good man, or even a saved man, for a woman to have a heavenly marriage..." This is quite an incomplete picture, as the husband is called in Scripture to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her (Eph.5:25). Only then can the marriage as a whole reflect the mystery of Christ and His bride, the church.

Perhaps the most grievous arrogance Pearl displays is in her repeated, bleak descriptions of single motherhood as a ghetto of poverty and despair. No doubt, it is one of the most difficult paths in life. But Mrs. Pearl leaves no room for God's grace in the life of a woman who, through no fault of her own (yes, Mrs. Pearl, I said "no fault!") has been left husbandless. Psalm 68:5 says, "A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy habitation," and I believe this applies to "widows" of infidelity and abuse as well.

I am passionate about the preservation of marriage, and I believe both partners in marriage are commanded to obey Christ, regardless of their spouse's commitment. I also strongly believe that God will bless those who honor His commands regarding their marital attitudes and actions. For a much more Scriptural portrayal of these principles, I would recommend Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book "Love and Respect."

[Lynn Joshua · Rating 1 out of 5]

Graceless and mean-spirited, Debi forces on Christian women a legalistic yoke that ignores the whole counsel of the Bible.
Instead of showing the fruit of the Spirit, she shows a harsh and critical spirit, she misuses Scripture, and she utterly misses the grace of the gospel. Her ideas are dangerous because she takes some true concepts, mixes them with lies, and calls her way "biblical", so her readers believe that it is found in Scripture and if not followed, will cause them to sin. This is spiritual abuse.

She takes one command - "Wives submit..." and interprets this in an extreme and abusive way, and literally makes this the only command that needs to be followed in order to have a "heavenly marriage".

This design is not taught in context as one of the many one-anothers of Scripture. A man and a woman in a Christian marriage are brothers and sisters in Christ. They are to serve one another, submit to one another, love one another, forgive one another. These actual commands from Scripture are totally missing from 'Created to Be His Help Meet'.

In fact, her misunderstanding of the word “help meet” is the main cause of the problem with this book. In Hebrew the word is “ezer”, and ezer is used 20 times in the Old Testament: seventeen times to describe God and three times to describe a military aide. It is interpreted as power or strength, and demonstrates how women are to be engaged in spiritual battle alongside of men.

She repeatedly demeans men by insisting that all men need is food and great sex - and encourages wives to use those to manipulate their men. There is no Godly wisdom here. Godly wisdom will manifest itself in purity, peace, gentleness, mercy, a willingness to submit to one another, the fruits of the spirit, not manipulation, control and hypocrisy.

[Bethany · Rating 1 out of 5]

As a friend of mine said after reading this book, it would be more aptly titled, "Created to Be His Doormat."

The irony is that if you dare to critique this book in the presence of its ardent admirers, you will be told that if you have a problem with its message, then YOU are the one with the problem.

The following is one of the more memorable of Debi Pearl's many appalling stories told in the book:

"As a general rule, my husband just doesn't take the trash out.... One day recently my husband saw me struggling out the door with a huge sack of trash in one hand and several empty boxes in the other. Since he was headed in that direction, he volunteered to carry the heavy sack. He walked about ten feet ahead of me, holding the sack out from his body with one hand. I knew he was just showing me how strong he was. I was amused, as usual, by his display of manhood. After nearly 35 years of having me appreciate his muscles, you would think he would tire of showing off, but he knows I have never tired of watching him perform. When he got near the large trash trailer, he was really getting into his macho thing. With great fanfare, he flung the large trash bag as if it were a cement block instead of a thin plastic bag too loaded down for his own strength. Of course, the string broke, allowing the bag to hit the side of the trailer, bursting open and dumping trash all over the ground. I could tell he was a little embarrassed as I rushed over to clean up his mess, but he continued on his merry way."

The moral of this story is, of course, that we women should be understanding of our husband's male pride and ego, and we shouldn't waste our energy by making a fuss over such little displays.

[Jane Baldwin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Among the many hideous perversions of scripture that this book contains is the assertion that the only purpose for a woman is to serve a husband. I believe the reason God made me was so that I could have a personal relationship with Him. There's nothing in the Bible that tells me that I'm a failure if I haven't married yet.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have almost finished with this book. This book is obviously is very conservitive and will probably offend a lot of women. The author didn't write the book to gain approval (through her comments and tone) but to relay truth and experience she has found in scripture and in marriage. I would recommend this book as required reading for every married woman- even if she chucks it across the room because it doesn't fit in with her own feministic ideals.

Personally, this book has boosted my marriage to another level. It has directed me back to the scriptures, and has brought to my life a deeper sense of purpose, peace, and empowerment as a female. Most of all, this book has catapulted my husband to a greater level of joy in his life. A few weeks ago, he said "They way you treat me makes me want to become a better man. I want to show you more and more my love for you." Thanks Debi for wising me up!

[Paula · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I liked most about this book was that it opened my eyes that there was more to my part of the marriage than just submission. Being a submissive wife is only one part of the WHOLE of being a help meet to my husband.

There are a lot of really good helpful bits of advice in the book that one really needs to be open to, and prayerful about, in order to benefit from it. Whenever you trust God and allow HIM to change your husband, instead of trying to do it yourself, God will change your husband. But you have to be willing to move aside and be the helpmeet God created you to be. And this book shows you how to do that.

And despite what you might fear (that you are supposed to be a silent little mouse), this book shows you how to properly approach your husband (when to, what to say and how to say it). This book takes the focus off changing your husband and puts the focus on changing YOU (which will most likely change your husband).

The book has several real life examples (both to do and not to do) which lets you know you are not alone. The book even starts off with the author talking about how she once threw stones at her husband.

All in all, this book has totally changed my marriage. I no longer complain about things my husband doesn't do. I am happy to find out how to help him. And in the areas where he does need to change, I have learned not to obsess over it anymore. I have changed, and as a result, my husband has changed. We are more in love today than the day we married. And I am so much happier in my marriage than I have been in a long time.

[Dana · Rating 1 out of 5]

Where do I start? First of all I don't normally like to be negative but this book would be dangerous in the wrong hands. Mrs. Pearl has a door mat mentality, a sharp tongue and a judgmental self righteous attitude. First of all a biblical wife is never a doormat and some of the things Mrs. Pearl condones border on emotional abuse. Some of the advice she gives in the book to women who have written her blew my mind. A husband should love his wife as he loves himself. What kind of husband comes home to a hot meal his wife has worked hard to fix him and throw a fit because it is too hot outside to eat that kind of food? I will tell you what kind of husband, the kind that doesn't love his wife as himself. There were very few good points that I was able to take away from Mrs. Pearls 18th century guide to being a door mat. I think even Abigail Adams who lived in the 18th century, and was a model biblical wife would find Debi Pearls advice to women appalling.

[Sandra Noel · Rating 1 out of 5]

I gave this 1 star because even though there's a lot of good stuff in there, there's also some "poison" mixed in. Would NOT recommend to young brides unless they were thoroughly grounded in the Bible and able to discern good and the bad in this book.

[Keturah Lamb · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I'd read this book even two months ago I may have found much to disagree with. At this point, I'd say it was very sobering.

I've never given full thought to how "Woman is for man's glory as man is Christ's glory." And when I did think of women obeying husbands, I always had arguments about what it wasn't, rather than what it was.

I wish I'd read this book way before now. More I wish I'd been ready for it before now. I was only able to understand what I needed to see though because of mistakes I'd made ... mistakes I needn't have made if only I'd understood before. But what I ever have without the mistakes? The vicious circle.

It's not a book that promotes abuse, but it is a book that tells the woman to do the right thing despite abuses afflicted. It doesn't matter how wrong he is being, what matters is are you doing what's right? And then, the author addresses what is biblically right for a woman to do, namely to love and admire and respect and honor her husband so that he might be won, not by admonition, but my word and love and example. And in the long run, by putting down her own pride, by giving up on being "right" because of a greater goal, to love her husband, the woman is better rewarded and saved from the hardship of divorce and raising her family alone.

It deals with some very hard stuff. It takes strength to submit and live as selfless creatures to a human who doesn't seem to fully appreciate us. But then how can he appreciate us when we tear him down because "he deserves it"?

I've seen that this world has enough actions carried out "because they deserved it". Maybe it's time more people gave up what they wanted to simply love wholly beyond themselves.

It's easy to be a hateful, vengeful, wrathful feminist. It takes fortitude of might, a softening of femininity, an abundance of meekness and generous forgiveness to do what this author, what God, asks of us. It's much harder than protesting because it is a silent action.

I think it would be good for all girls to read this with an open, seeking heart, and not with a critical, skeptical spirit that says, "But what of his duties!"

This isn't for him. This is for us.

[Malia · Rating 1 out of 5]

Having had this book recommended to me, I dove in expecting to be challenged and blessed. While it does contain some excellent principles, I found it to also twist Biblical examples to meet her strict standards. Other reviewers concur that readers need to take in this book "with discernment," and I have a problem with that--as it is meant to instruct women to be godly wives according to the Bible. It is dangerous to give a to-do list that is skewed with opinion and false interpretation of Scripture.

I admit I didn't finish reading; I found myself expecting to find falsehoods instead of truths. While I believe wives should be in submission to their husbands, I do not agree that Deborah shamed Israel by being a female leader. I do not agree that Priscilla was a silent observer beside her husband Aquila (especially since her name is always listed first). There are a number of other examples I feel the author manipulated to support her position; therefore, I cannot recommend this book to any Christian sister.

[BL · Rating 5 out of 5]

After a lifetime of disappointment and failures in relationships with men, I was convicted to look at myself and see what God wants me to change. It took me a while to get the courage to read this book, however I was determined to make a change to save my marriage. I knew the problem had to do with me stepping into the man's role when I thought he was failing and then being proud about it.
What I learned from this book is that it all boils down to simple obedience to God. You can nitpick Debi Pearl's tone or writings or whatever all you want, but the message is simply for a woman to be all that God created her to be, to be in obedience to God and to be the help meet of the marriage not the head.
Very controversial in this feminist world we live in.

[Renee]

Grrrrrr. grrr........

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyf...

If you want to even CONSIDER reading this book please follow this blog first and see what kind of twisted BS this author puts in her shit.

Apparently I should have stayed with my abusive ex husband because now I am nothing but an unhappy ragged looking poor single mom who will eventually become a lesbian and my children will hate me...Oh and no man will want to be a step father to my unruly brats...unless of course he is a pervert.

I cannot handle this kind of bull shit.

[Spider the Doof Warrior]

Why the HELL would you take marriage advice from this crazy harpy? It seems like a how to have a miserable marriage guide instead of something helpful and useful. The Pearls do more damage to families than a parade of gays all wearing large phalluses.

Sweet goddesss's lactating tits I'd rather swim in alligators or sharks covered in raw meat than marry a man who would want me to follow the advice in this book.

[Erin · Rating 1 out of 5]

0 stars. I re-read this book for research purposes and had to force myself to finish it.

This is what I learned from it as I read: the men in this woman’s family / religious cult are abusive (I would never feel safe around any of them), and the women have so much deeply internalized misogyny that they work alongside the men to create their own doctrines, twist scriptures past recognition, and export their teachings so they can all continue to normalize the objectification of women and uphold a culture of abuse of women and children together. They train up their sons to be predators who only see women as sex objects. All whilst trying to spiritualize their abuse and blaming women for every sin men commit. My husband found it debased and appalling as well.

It would be better marketed as a textbook on gaslighting, as the author and her husband gaslight the reader all the way through it. It’s full of heresy.

I find it terrifying that they have translated this book into other languages and sent it off into other parts of the world.

I am 100% against burning books, but if I weren’t, this would be the first one I’d throw on the pile.

Worst book I have ever read.

[Bethany · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a poorly written book by a well intentioned fundamentalist Christian. She admits that she is not a professional writer, but she at times says things that can be taken ways that I'm sure she didn't intend which is probably because she published her book through No Greater Joy, which is her and her husband's non-profit, without a good editor. Enough said about that.

Her aim for women to submit to their husbands cheerfully and be examples to younger women are scriptural, but she at times misinterprets scripture (how this got past her "Bible scholar" husband I don't understand) and uses scriptures out of context to support her aim. I don't understand why she thinks she needs to do this when there is enough scripture to support her argument with out misusing the Word of God.

She uses scare tactics to get women to do what she says they should do. More than once, she pretty much threatens women that if they don't do as she says, they will end up single mothers, working two jobs, with a babysitter who's sleeping with her boyfriend in the other room. Fear tactics don't work very well to persuade and it isn't what scriptures use or prescribe. Her responses to women's letters, although usually with good points, are hurtful and unloving.

She gives a one-sided view of marriage intentionally because she is afraid that some women will abuse the scripture's instructions to husbands. As a result, her picture of marriage is incomplete and nothing near as beautiful as what God intends it to be. It leaves me feeling like the woman is the only one responsible to make the marriage work which is not at all what is found in the scriptures.

I could say a lot more about this book, but I'll leave it with this. Debi Pearl's intention to write a book for married women to live out a Godly marriage as a "help meet" is admirable, but it falls flat because of the tools she uses to make her argument. I would not recommend this book to anyone, but if you must read it, be cautious and very discerning. Look up the scriputres for context and read other translations of the Bible to get a fuller understanding in modern English. This is NOT a good book for young Christians who are not knowledgeable in the scriptures.

[Leighann · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel Ms. Pearl has great insight into what is lacking in today's marriages. Many "healthy" Christian women have been taught a co-submission doctrine. The problem with co-submission, is it is inconsistent with the analogy scripture sets up of marriage being a picture of Christ and the church. Christ is not co-submissive to us. Additionally, many Christian women interpret co-submission to mean that when in disagreement, they have a right to not 'give in' to their husband's thought process 'because it is wrong' - by their understanding. This is not submisssion at all. Submission, just like obedience, means doing it whether we want to or agree with it. We do it out of respect for the authority placed over us. Doing something we agree with, is simply carrying out our own agenda. Wives somehow feel responsible for their husbands making good decisions. These women are usurping the authority of the Holy Spirit in their husbands' lives.

With that said, I do feel a wife has a right to engage her husband in a respectful dialog on issues she does not agree with. (And in healthly marriages, husbands will be seeking the wife's input anyway.) However, ultimately, the decision rests with him. It is not the wife's role to get in the way of a husband growing in spiritual or secular knowledge. Forcing his hand in a matter just leaves him brow-beaten and mothered.

There were two points I could not agree with Ms. Pearl on, and feel they take away some of her authority. She states you shouldn't take your children to the doctor. And, that you shouldn't leave them with a babysitter, not even family members, as the children will grow to resent you, the parent. I have found the more infrequently I leave my children with trusted babysitters they know, the more insecure they become when mommy leaves.

[stacy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Back in November or December or whenever I tagged this book to read:

I'm putting this on my to-read list because I scoffed at it. I scoffed at online dating, too...I scoffed at David Foster Wallace...I scoffed at The Elliptical Machine...

Then I married the one guy...read the other...and actually get a workout.

I've come to realize that my biggest scoffs turn out to say more about me than the object of my derision.

I'll let you know what this one turns up.

Backstory:
Some dude who was quite likable and 25 years married, who sat next to me on one recent plane trip, told me about this book. He said, "My wife wa highly educated, had a career--made better money than me even. But she, we, wanted kids. That turned the world upside down. She was a real wreck about it." Apparently, this book helped ease their transition, so she could move from worker bee to mother hen. Or something like that.

Fast forward to 9 January 2009.

Sometimes scoffing is an A-OK response. Your scoff knows something you don't. For instance, when I met with the following in aforementioned book -- "The wife of Mr. Command can ruin her marriage by failing to honor, obey, and reverence her husband's authority and rule" -- even Vince got going, on a Southpark impersonation of a loud and ridiculous nature.

I skipped ahead. And found my other favorite scoffable quote, on page 202:

[sub-head:] WHAT ABOUT PANTS?

I gotta say, it was like the most wacked highway accident. I couldn't help but look at what followed, which I expected I wouldn't like: "We cannot leave the subject without dealing with an issue that comes up over and over again. Is it permissible for a woman to wear pants?"

Who in the hell brings up this subject again and again? Women in the Americas (so far as I know of) haven't been arrested or worse for wearing Levi's in at least 100 years. Somehow this whole trail of logic reminds me of a Nerve article I once read on the cut-out burka--a new twist on an old fetish.

And, of course, it didn't stop there. Out-of-gender dressing, cross-dressing, transvestitism, this book demonizes them all. Based on the bible's teachings.

Anyway.

I found a lot to love in these pages. But mostly because of irony and occlusion. Except for the following letter to the author by one Jonathan Beachy:

"I am sick of seeing fat. Females dressing with short tops and low-riding pants or skirts with a roll of fat around the middle remind me of 'pop and serve' biscuits that busted open. Gross. I'm a pig farmer, and when I see these "biscuit" females, it makes me [...:] They are just about as desireable as one of my own sows! Ugh! It's not so much the fat as it is the way they sport it around--like it's hot stuff. I am profoundly thankful my wife dresses like a lady, a virtuous lady."

Why does this guy get to comment on any woman's appearance? Spend that attention on your wife, dear.

The author's (and her ruler husband who "approves" of this book) attempt at simplifying her life for the bettering of her marriage is commendable. It's just, well, ridiculous.

For me and my man, I think we'll keep doing what my dad suggested to us before we got hitched: Loving and Trusting, Sharing and Caring. And patience and laughter and passionate sex and appreciation and striving always to be each other's best partner don't hurt none, either.

To that nice mustacheoed guy who suggested this book, I tried. And to those friends who know me better than I know myself: you'll get more opportunity to prove it in the future. Just keep an eye on your "biscuits" when you do.

[Kris Irvin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Eta: I did end up finishing this book. It was so bad I couldn't put it down. I think the thing that bothered me most in the end was how horribly judgmental and downright nasty Ms. Pearl ended up being. A direct quote:

"...that is what you did with the rejection of his choice of stove. It is no wonder that you are frustrated and 'just plain tired.' I'm plain tired of thinking of the damage you have done and what you have been missing. Your husband is probably tired too: tired of this marriage."

YIKES. There are several quotes like this throughout the book. Just plain nasty. There are much better marriage books out there, even submissive-wifely books if that is what you are looking for, that are not as ...well...bee-yotchy.

Oh, and I'm certainly glad that my husband felt it necessary to take me to the hospital when I was pregnant instead of "encouraging [me] to be a good woman and seeking out natural healing", because if he had not taken me to the doctor ("which would mean high medical bills and unnecessary risks") I would be dead. Thanks Nate! You saved my life! For reals!




My original review:

Uh, this book is scary. I read some paragraphs to my husband and he almost had a heart attack - "why are you reading that garbage?!"

I got to page 150 and I quit. I think the most disturbing story for me was about Sunny and Ahmed - Ahmed tried to kill Sunny and her unborn child, but she praised him more to her family and friends and everything was all better?

I liked the beginning. There are some okay parts. But it got to the point where Pearl was just harping that everything that goes wrong in marriage is the woman's fault, and that's not true and not okay. While forgiveness is necessary especially in marriage, I don't believe that you should take your molested children to see their molester father in prison. Yikes. I also don't believe that single women getting support from other single women are going to turn into lesbians.

While I believe in the Bible, I don't believe that Eve was deficient in any way. I don't believe that I am punished because she chose to eat the forbidden fruit. I also don't believe Eve was trying to exalt herself and I don't believe that childbirth/menses is a punishment for "women's arrogance." So take that, Debi Pearl. Also, in unrelated news, your husband's beard terrifies me.

(Though I have to admit, I am a little intrigued to read Michael Pearl's book about sex. I mean, it's called "HOLY Sex." *snort*)

[Adam · Rating 5 out of 5]

My wife began reading this book several years ago. Due to the fact she was changing A-LOT and out of curiosity I decided to peek into this book myself. Through and Through Debi rightly teaches the spiritual position women need to take in life. Due to the Americanization of the modern church, things like "submission" and "serving" are frowned upon. Yet God commands women to submit to their husbands, not so that the Husband may live life his own way, but as God's chosen instrument, that he may lead the family God's way. The husband must learn to die to himself in all things, to put God before His family and his wife and children before himself. So the wife no longer lives life the husbands way, But God's way. Because the husband lives God's way, through his obedience to the Word. Therefore it stands to reason that God will not leave you in the hands of flesh. If you are a woman reading this, you know that you are the Lord's precious daughter. He would not lead you to harm! Rather it requires great faith to find a perfect God in an imperfect person. But it is God's design and God's law. God does lead you and your faith is in His word because,it is Christ who speaks to you through your husband.

Also, I may not fully agree with everything Debi writes. However I am still willing to give this book a Five out of Five rating, because she has the guts to stand up for what is right and scriptural in a majorly feminist society. It can be a difficult thing to speak out for what is right, especially with so many views and opinions against you. But She seeks to fulfill all the things commanded of her in this book. Especially, when she is commanded as an older women to: "admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." tit 2:4-5

With a closing note, the word of God does say, "obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." Or in other words, disobedience to God's chosen head (i.e. the Husband), is disobedience to God, because God commanded you to obey the husband. So who in the end do you obey when you do what is right and follow the scriptures? If not for anything else, submit because it is commanded of you by the Lord.

[Faith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Well, I can see why some people would be offended but certain elements of this book, because it is tough. But the main things I had a problem with was how judgemental Ms. Pearl came off as, sometimes just going off of a single public gesture without knowing the whole story, when I think she could have found a better illustration and spoke the truth in love. Additionally, her advice ranged from good, to very impractical and possibly dangerous! And while it might work for some people, I would use my common sense before putting any of her plans to action. Though I'm not married so I don't plan to anytime soon. She had some good points, and tips on running a happy home and submission. But I think that there are better books out there that women could be reading. While this book might work for some people, I certainly don't think it has good answers for everyone, and for some people I think that if they took her advice things would turn out terribly!
And I certainly don't think that it's OK to cheat on your taxes if your husband as head of the house thinks it is in the best interest of the family. There are many things that just aren't sound advice, that's just one example.
In the end, take some, leave some.
Also there were times I felt she could have used scripture more in context and sometimes I felt it was a bit off, and that she ignored some obvious scriptures on the topic. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
But an interesting book to think on, pick at, and reject parts of.

While this book didn't totally make my blood boil or anything, but it made me strongly consider never marrying. Ever. But I guess we'll have to see :)

[Cyndi Taylor · Rating 1 out of 5]

I will not be finishing this book. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate not finishing books. So this is saying something. I felt that the author demonized woman. Making everything bad that happens in a marriage their fault.
Then, on top of that says that the life of a single mom is full of despair and your kids will dispise you and not know you. Others will have to raise them and you will be destitute and never have anyone there for companionship, to fix things, or to help you in any way. I have friends who, through no fault of their own are single mothers. Through the support of their church, family, and friends they are doing just fine.
This book paints such a poor view onthe gospel (woman can only be whole with a man, not reliance on Christ and his power) that I wondered where her joy and hope were found.
There are things to take away from this book: 1. You cannot control others actions, just your own. 2. Accept your mans faults and love him through them. Those 2 points you can glean simply by reading your bible and not have to sit through this book.

[Ingrid · Rating 1 out of 5]

So, I was in Israel and I did not have a bookshelf. However, I had friends. One friend in particular who meant very well and wanted to share a book that impacted her.

Sadly, what she meant for good, just made me sick.

This book could be called:

Created To Be A Victim
or Created To Be His Slave
or How to Create a World in Which Men Are the Only 'Adults.'

I know what Debi was trying to do. I understand her to some point, but that doesn't change the fact that she preaches some very dangerous doctrine and most of it is completely false. She twists scripture unbelievably and sickly. She encourages women to stay in abusive, dangerous relationships because, "maybe you can win your husband for God!" News flash: If your husband is trying to kill you, GET OUT OF THERE!

Anyway, I would not recommend this book. Maybe there were a few (scarce) tidbits of good stuff, but it's so hidden among dangerous teaching and completely false interpretations of the Bible.

[Allie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book probably just saved my future marriage

[Libbydale · Rating 1 out of 5]

I feel like throwing this book out the window. I was given this book to read, and I haven't finished it. I'm shelving it for a while. I did thumb through it for 3 nights until I found something I thought was particularly useful, which was Chapter 8: "Wisdom to Understand Your Man", which highlights three types of male personalities. You definitely need to have a deep respect for the Bible and accept it as God's truth for your life before delving into this book. The author writes very authoratatively, making no excuses for wives and how they should behave in her marriage. Apparent letters to her from women have been included with her answers. At times I find her disturbingly uncompassionate. This is hardline Biblical wifehood in training, ladies, and your heart has got to be ready to hear some hard things. I do disagree with some points, such as if my husband tells me to wear something I must OBEY him. She likes that word, Obey. It's a straightforward word I guess, and this book is very straighforward. Thankfully my husband doesn't command me around to that degree! I also was a bit disturbed when she was talking about verbal abuse. While they take a hard line on the fact that women should never tolerate physical abuse or sexual immorality from their husbands, it seems a bit hazy on the verbal abuse part. I'll have to reread. There was also a bizarre composite story about a young man who was so turned on in church by his youth leader's wife that he ejaculated in church. The point of this agonizing composite was to remind women of the need to be modest. It was strange. I asked my husband about it and he said it would be very unusual for that to happen. The things I did assimilate from it was that my marriage is VERY important. Maybe even more important than Sunday evening church! It is good to be reminded that while my husband cannot and should not replace God in my life, that nothing beneath my husband, including church activities, should replace my husband! I really like the priority of the family relationships, husband and children, over outside activities. Our culture is so busy, even our church culture, and it's so easy to put those things ahead of marriage. Also I believe the main things I've been reminded of so far are that I have a powerful role to play in my marriage. I have a specific purpose as a wife and it's not always what I think it should be. My attitude toward my husband should not be based on his actions toward me only, but on loving him for who he is every day with joy. That is my responsibility. I cannot be responsible for his response to me unless I am a grumble whiny puss all the time. Anyway, take it for what it is. Read it or not. It will certainly challenge our modern thoughts on marriage!

[Shannon McGarvey · Rating 5 out of 5]

People hate this book so much, just like my other favorite marriage book "love & respect".
While there were many points she made I disagree with, namely which sins are minor enough to submit to, the rest of the book is greatly encouraging and edifying. She takes a no nonsense approach to submission; something most modern women need. We've been catered to too much and marriages in the church are suffering. You must read this book with wisdom and discernment to get the fruit from it. You can not just apply everything word for word and expect fruitful growth. I would not give this book to a 19 year old newly wed, or an immature Christian of any age. However, at 7 years married, 8 years regenerate, I can take the great parts, apply them to my specific marriage, and discard the rest. I think this is a book worth every wise woman reading, especially if reading it in community with other wise women. (I read this with my BFF, who read it with her mentor) It was the kick in the pants I needed to stop being a downcast wife, and I believe my relationship with the Lord, and my husband, will be benefited from my reading of this.

[Kristie Kercheval · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this books was just a little horrendous. The light and sweet Victorian-esque illustration on the front belies the course and almost laughable language within.

While I agree with the authors about Biblical submission and being a "keeper of the home", I think there is much in this book that could become a yoke of slavery to young women eager live biblically. Sadly, there is not much about grace in this book or living in light of cross.

[Alicia Willis · Rating 1 out of 5]

-5 stars. If I could rate it such here, I would.

There is nothing of Christ or Jesus in this dangerous work of legalism and abuse. I have too often seen the horrible effects of it and similar teachings on the lives of Christians. For more information and a thorough review from my husband and myself, navigate over to my blog.

http://aliciaannewillis.blogspot.com/...

Definitely not recommended.

[Marla · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't like to write negative reviews, but it's hard to keep silent on this one. This book is full of the most toxic information (if you can call it information) that I have ever seen written. It is not the heart of God.