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The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control
Conventional wisdom says that women are the manipulative ones - but tell that to the thousands of desperate women suffering at the hands of a manipulative man. Men can be just as sneaky, passive-aggressive, needy, underhanded, whiny, guilt-inducing, and emotionally demanding as women are accused of being - and more so!As any woman in love with a manipulative man can tell you, it's not easy to get past his charm and your guilt to a place where you can see your relationship for what it is - out of balance, extraordinarily stressful, emotionally exhausting, and potentially dangerous. The Manipulative Man is a groundbreaking prescription for dealing with the manipulative men in your life by Tests to help you determine if you are involved with a mama's boy, narcissist, sociopath, or even a psychopathTechniques for defining and setting boundaries with your manTools to help you improve their relationshipAnd more!In The Manipulative Man , acclaimed psychotherapist Dr. Dorothy McCoy shows you how to identify the type of manipulative man you're involved with, deal with the issues his behavior provokes, and, ultimately, salvage the relationship - or move on.
256 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2006
86 people are currently reading
284 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
August 17, 2011
“The Manipulative Man” could be used as a primer for younger women who haven’t already recognized unscrupulous behavior. For women like me, who married manipulative men with disastrous results, it was both enlightening as well as a reminder of the red flags I should have seen. For me, the last section on why women choose such men was eye-opening. And for women everywhere who assume that “that’s just the way men are,” there is hope in this book by showing us ways to both recognize and avoid such dishonest conduct. It’s affirmation for those of us who always thought we could have or should have done it better.
I appreciate the way this book was organized, with tests at the end of each chapter and I especially liked all the test cases cited in Dr. McCoy’s personal practice.
I would recommend for women who keep asking themselves why they always end up with the same kind of man, or better, for women who intentionally choose a “different” man who ultimately reveals the same behaviors.
As I find myself mid-life dating, I will keep this book handy as reference material. Well done.
Jacqueline Gum, author
"Confessions of a Corporate Slut"
I appreciate the way this book was organized, with tests at the end of each chapter and I especially liked all the test cases cited in Dr. McCoy’s personal practice.
I would recommend for women who keep asking themselves why they always end up with the same kind of man, or better, for women who intentionally choose a “different” man who ultimately reveals the same behaviors.
As I find myself mid-life dating, I will keep this book handy as reference material. Well done.
Jacqueline Gum, author
"Confessions of a Corporate Slut"
January 5, 2012
Manipulative individuals say and do things to control and undermine others. In its extreme form, manipulation is a form of emotional abuse. The Manipulative Man by Dorothy McCoy, EdD, is essential reading for everyone who wishes to work on problematic relationships with flawed, manipulative individuals who are not full-fledged personality disordered. All human beings are flawed yet most of us still manage to have close relationships with our family members and romantic partners. Many have tendencies of personality disorders; few have full-blown personality disorders, however.
While as Sandra Brown, M.A. explains in How to Spot a Dangerous Man, personality disorders are not fixable and relationships with such individuals are very dangerous and damaging, what do we do about the rest: namely, our relationships with 90 percent of the population, who, like us, has human flaws that can be worked on and improved? This is where Dorothy McCoy's book, The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control, offers very useful coping strategies that can strengthen our ties to our significant others and mend our relationships.
McCoy first explains the manipulative personality types and his (or her) strategies of manipulation, which include: excessive flattery (especially at the beginning of the relationship), deceit, bullying, stonewalling, pity play, and projecting blame upon the victim, among others. She then offers a typology of manipulative men that women are likely to encounter and have problems with. These include: the Mama's Boy (characterized by dependency and need for caretaking and adulation); the Workaholic (who is a perfectionist, often suffers from Obsessive Personality Disorder and defines himself in terms of his work); the Eternal Jock (who relives his glory days and can't move on and deal with the responsibilities of his life); the Dependent Man (who can't make decisions and defines himself excessively in terms of his relationship to his partner, thus draining her time and energy); the Antisocial (who engages in risk-taking, transgressive and even criminal behavior, with no remorse, for the thrill of it); the Womanizer (who is often a love or sex addict, whose appetite for new conquests can never be satiated); the Passive-Aggressive man (who wallows in self-pity and constantly undermines his partner's self-esteem and accomplishments); the Narcissist (who essentially worships his own altar and views others as a mirror that reflects his perfection and greatness); the Psychopath (the social predator who charms his way into women's lives with flattery and deceit in order to use and harm them) and the Violent Manipulator (who engages in domestic violence).
The Manipulative Man explains each of these manipulative types by including not only descriptions, but also case studies that offer concrete examples and engage the reader. The book also offers coping strategies for such troubled relationships and outlines the difference between problematic traits and full-blown personality disorders. In other words, the author distinguishes between character deficiencies that can't be fixed--the best one can do in such situations is escape the relationship with minimal harm--and tendencies that may be able to be improved by working together, as a couple, on the relationship.
Even in those relationships that can be ameliorated, McCoy emphasizes that both partners have to be willing to make changes for the sake of their relationship and sustain those improvements consistently, over time. The Manipulative Man makes an important contribution to the field of couples' counseling and offers an excellent supplement to therapy. This book tells readers in a clear and entertaining manner how to save salvageable relationships while not shying away from advising not trying to save the unsalvageable relationships with personality disordered individuals.
Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness
While as Sandra Brown, M.A. explains in How to Spot a Dangerous Man, personality disorders are not fixable and relationships with such individuals are very dangerous and damaging, what do we do about the rest: namely, our relationships with 90 percent of the population, who, like us, has human flaws that can be worked on and improved? This is where Dorothy McCoy's book, The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control, offers very useful coping strategies that can strengthen our ties to our significant others and mend our relationships.
McCoy first explains the manipulative personality types and his (or her) strategies of manipulation, which include: excessive flattery (especially at the beginning of the relationship), deceit, bullying, stonewalling, pity play, and projecting blame upon the victim, among others. She then offers a typology of manipulative men that women are likely to encounter and have problems with. These include: the Mama's Boy (characterized by dependency and need for caretaking and adulation); the Workaholic (who is a perfectionist, often suffers from Obsessive Personality Disorder and defines himself in terms of his work); the Eternal Jock (who relives his glory days and can't move on and deal with the responsibilities of his life); the Dependent Man (who can't make decisions and defines himself excessively in terms of his relationship to his partner, thus draining her time and energy); the Antisocial (who engages in risk-taking, transgressive and even criminal behavior, with no remorse, for the thrill of it); the Womanizer (who is often a love or sex addict, whose appetite for new conquests can never be satiated); the Passive-Aggressive man (who wallows in self-pity and constantly undermines his partner's self-esteem and accomplishments); the Narcissist (who essentially worships his own altar and views others as a mirror that reflects his perfection and greatness); the Psychopath (the social predator who charms his way into women's lives with flattery and deceit in order to use and harm them) and the Violent Manipulator (who engages in domestic violence).
The Manipulative Man explains each of these manipulative types by including not only descriptions, but also case studies that offer concrete examples and engage the reader. The book also offers coping strategies for such troubled relationships and outlines the difference between problematic traits and full-blown personality disorders. In other words, the author distinguishes between character deficiencies that can't be fixed--the best one can do in such situations is escape the relationship with minimal harm--and tendencies that may be able to be improved by working together, as a couple, on the relationship.
Even in those relationships that can be ameliorated, McCoy emphasizes that both partners have to be willing to make changes for the sake of their relationship and sustain those improvements consistently, over time. The Manipulative Man makes an important contribution to the field of couples' counseling and offers an excellent supplement to therapy. This book tells readers in a clear and entertaining manner how to save salvageable relationships while not shying away from advising not trying to save the unsalvageable relationships with personality disordered individuals.
Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness
August 4, 2025
Pozitiva - Kniha je ctiva, je jednoducha k pochopeni, prakticke priklady, zakladni ramec vam to da.
Negativa - mela jsem pocit, ze ctu knihu z roku 1970, nektery ty definice mi prisly zjednodusujici.
Ale jako zaklad good.
Negativa - mela jsem pocit, ze ctu knihu z roku 1970, nektery ty definice mi prisly zjednodusujici.
Ale jako zaklad good.
February 10, 2018
I read a few chapters of this for a class a few years ago and decided to finish it because I have a big reading challenge this year :P
Despite the title, this book is great for combating the manipulating behavior of any person in your life; spouse, parents, customers or coworker of any/all/or no genders. It goes through the different kind of manipulators and ways to best deal with them as well as how to recognize the ways we ourselves manipulate people, why that is damaging both to us and our relationships and how to break such habits.
This book is very easy to read. It is not so academic that it is heavy to read but not so nice that it is just a 'feel' good' read that doesn't help. A must read for dealing with all the difficult people we have to deal with in our lives.
Despite the title, this book is great for combating the manipulating behavior of any person in your life; spouse, parents, customers or coworker of any/all/or no genders. It goes through the different kind of manipulators and ways to best deal with them as well as how to recognize the ways we ourselves manipulate people, why that is damaging both to us and our relationships and how to break such habits.
This book is very easy to read. It is not so academic that it is heavy to read but not so nice that it is just a 'feel' good' read that doesn't help. A must read for dealing with all the difficult people we have to deal with in our lives.
February 1, 2021
I would have hoped these would be a bit more DSM-relevant, and while some of them were adjacent, not all of them coincided with actual conditions. I have definitely met men like these in my life, but my experiences have been very different in such situations. Still, it was mostly an interesting read.
Read
August 31, 2019Not sure why I was drawn to this... oh, yes I am. It said there would be quizzes. (There are.)
Lots of familiar stuff in here. Blah!
I feel like I've spent enough time and energy on manipulative men at this point; I don't want to keep reading about them.
Lots of familiar stuff in here. Blah!
I feel like I've spent enough time and energy on manipulative men at this point; I don't want to keep reading about them.
May 20, 2023
"If we believe we are powerful, we have no need to control or manipulate others."
September 11, 2012
If anyone is worried about me and hubby due to my current choice in books... don't be. :)
"...looking for and noting one's positives on a daily basis did 'increase positive emotions, did increase resilience, and let to lower levels of depression, compared to a group of students who did not note the positive meaning they found in their experiences."
Factors that promote resilience, positive adaptation, and good health:
emotion regulation
emotional disclosure
gratitude
meaning and purpose
mindfulness meditation
spirituality and religion
finding benefits or post-traumatic growth
pg. 224-5
"Sometimes we see and understand the warning signs, yet we deny the meaning. We deny it because we don't want to be forced to act. If we say to ourselves, 'Okay, I see the danger,' then we have to act. We may be forced to leave a relationship we don't want to leave. Denial avoids this uncomfortable situation. The discomfort is called cognitive dissonance, it means our behavior is not consistent with what we believe. Dr Becker (1997) says of denial:
'Denial has an interesting and insidious effect. For all the peace of mind deniers think they get by saying it isn't so, the fall they take when victimized is far, far greater than that of those who accept the possibility. Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth at some level, and it causes a constant low-grade anxiety.'
"First, accept reality and then you are ready to plan for your future. Reality is seldom the way we would prefer it to be, but it is the only one we have."
Safety Plans should include:
Where will I go?
How will I get there?
Whom do I need to call?
What will I need to take with me?
When should I leave?
What should I say?
"...looking for and noting one's positives on a daily basis did 'increase positive emotions, did increase resilience, and let to lower levels of depression, compared to a group of students who did not note the positive meaning they found in their experiences."
Factors that promote resilience, positive adaptation, and good health:
emotion regulation
emotional disclosure
gratitude
meaning and purpose
mindfulness meditation
spirituality and religion
finding benefits or post-traumatic growth
pg. 224-5
"Sometimes we see and understand the warning signs, yet we deny the meaning. We deny it because we don't want to be forced to act. If we say to ourselves, 'Okay, I see the danger,' then we have to act. We may be forced to leave a relationship we don't want to leave. Denial avoids this uncomfortable situation. The discomfort is called cognitive dissonance, it means our behavior is not consistent with what we believe. Dr Becker (1997) says of denial:
'Denial has an interesting and insidious effect. For all the peace of mind deniers think they get by saying it isn't so, the fall they take when victimized is far, far greater than that of those who accept the possibility. Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth at some level, and it causes a constant low-grade anxiety.'
"First, accept reality and then you are ready to plan for your future. Reality is seldom the way we would prefer it to be, but it is the only one we have."
Safety Plans should include:
Where will I go?
How will I get there?
Whom do I need to call?
What will I need to take with me?
When should I leave?
What should I say?
June 14, 2011
From Publishers Weekly
Did he promise you the stars and play you like a musical instrument?" Then you know the manipulative man. Psychotherapist McCoy presents a chilling exposé of 10 types of manipulators ("Mama's Boys," "Eternal Jocks," etc.) who prey on women's neediness and gullibility. This is not a feel-good book, yet it's compellingly readable. McCoy (The Ultimate Book of Personality Tests) is a police consultant, and her work may be what creates the grim undertone. She uses case studies from her counseling practice, blow-by-blow deconstructions of each type's manipulative techniques and tests to determine which type the reader may be dealing with. Most valuable are the chapters on narcissists and psychopaths. These predators are the most dangerous because they can make themselves seem so appealing, flattering and fun at the beginning of the relationship. The author also has good advice for women involved with violent manipulators. In all cases, McCoy warns, "You do not 'know' a manipulative man; he has worked diligently at spinning a web of contradictions, confusion and falsehoods." Wrapping up, McCoy offers suggestions for women seeking healthy relationships, noting those who are self-confident are less likely to fall for a charmer's manipulative wiles. (June 7)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Did he promise you the stars and play you like a musical instrument?" Then you know the manipulative man. Psychotherapist McCoy presents a chilling exposé of 10 types of manipulators ("Mama's Boys," "Eternal Jocks," etc.) who prey on women's neediness and gullibility. This is not a feel-good book, yet it's compellingly readable. McCoy (The Ultimate Book of Personality Tests) is a police consultant, and her work may be what creates the grim undertone. She uses case studies from her counseling practice, blow-by-blow deconstructions of each type's manipulative techniques and tests to determine which type the reader may be dealing with. Most valuable are the chapters on narcissists and psychopaths. These predators are the most dangerous because they can make themselves seem so appealing, flattering and fun at the beginning of the relationship. The author also has good advice for women involved with violent manipulators. In all cases, McCoy warns, "You do not 'know' a manipulative man; he has worked diligently at spinning a web of contradictions, confusion and falsehoods." Wrapping up, McCoy offers suggestions for women seeking healthy relationships, noting those who are self-confident are less likely to fall for a charmer's manipulative wiles. (June 7)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
March 19, 2019
Dorothy McCoy, este psihoterapeut specializat în terapii de cuplu, tratamentul fobiei sociale şi al stresului posttraumatic, precum şi în intervenţiile în situaţii de criză. Licenţiata în studii interdisciplinare la University of South Carolina, cu un master în consiliere clinică şi un doctorat în consiliere psihologică, dr. McCoy este membru marcant al unora dintre cele mai importante asociaţii de psihologie din SUA.
„Femeile sunt fascinate de relaţiile interzise, de străinul misterios care emana pericol şi care totuşi pare vulnerabil şi rănit de viaţă. Vrem să-l strângem la piept şi să-i alinăm suferinţă. în acelaşi timp, dorim exaltarea şi fiorul pe care-l simţim în preajma pericolului. Fiecare dintre noi vrea să fie unică femeie care, în virtutea dragostei necondiţionate, îl va transforma în amantul perfect. Da, suntem convinse că vom reuşi acolo unde femeile inferioare nouă au dat greş.“
https://funions.ro/recenzii/barbatul-...
„Femeile sunt fascinate de relaţiile interzise, de străinul misterios care emana pericol şi care totuşi pare vulnerabil şi rănit de viaţă. Vrem să-l strângem la piept şi să-i alinăm suferinţă. în acelaşi timp, dorim exaltarea şi fiorul pe care-l simţim în preajma pericolului. Fiecare dintre noi vrea să fie unică femeie care, în virtutea dragostei necondiţionate, îl va transforma în amantul perfect. Da, suntem convinse că vom reuşi acolo unde femeile inferioare nouă au dat greş.“
https://funions.ro/recenzii/barbatul-...
September 27, 2017
This book is self help geared toward, mostly women, who are trying to make sense during a very difficult time in their lives. Identifying that they too had been involved with a manipulative man.
Whilst admitting that is never easy: as it carries shame, this book does a good job at highlighting errors in non-accusatory ways, thereby allowing for more healing.
My one caveat for the lower rating was the styling wasn't well read, for me in a way I haven't been able to form well into words. Except perhaps sprinkled with too many trite truisms?
If you are curious about the types of manipulative men you may meet, this book could be for you.
Whilst admitting that is never easy: as it carries shame, this book does a good job at highlighting errors in non-accusatory ways, thereby allowing for more healing.
My one caveat for the lower rating was the styling wasn't well read, for me in a way I haven't been able to form well into words. Except perhaps sprinkled with too many trite truisms?
If you are curious about the types of manipulative men you may meet, this book could be for you.
September 3, 2011
This book was very helpful in identifying the traits that manipulative men have and how to deal with them. Manipulation is all about goals and understanding that sometimes the goals of one person can hurt the goals of another can help to disarm the mind games. That and the specific tools Dr. McCoy hands out in this book. If you have a tendency to get burned over and over by relationships, check this one out!
September 12, 2008
I bought this book in hopes of having a better understanding of how to help friends who are in relationships with manipulative men. It is to the point and practical. Does not go into a lot of theory, but that is not its stated purpose. Good book overall and has the potential to be helpful to women in abusive relationships if they are mentally ready to go there.
September 16, 2011
Dr Dorothy's take in 'The Manipulative Man' is a compelling read. The tests are simple but effective the techniques she users an eye opener to the lay man or woman and the tools she gives to improve relationships are enlightening! Well done Dr D! Long may the books be available and you be in practice to help where help is so desperately needed.
Read
February 6, 2013December 2, 2015
Insightful
Gosh, I didn't think we live in a world with so many tactful characters, but we do. This is a guide into that school and how to arm yourself to the teeth to go to lunch with the wolves.
Gosh, I didn't think we live in a world with so many tactful characters, but we do. This is a guide into that school and how to arm yourself to the teeth to go to lunch with the wolves.
January 5, 2016
Excellent book and resource for any woman who believes she has been manipulated in a relationship!!
Very useful information, insights and strategies for recognizing manipulation early on and how to counter it and move on and regain your dignity and self-respect.
Very useful information, insights and strategies for recognizing manipulation early on and how to counter it and move on and regain your dignity and self-respect.
March 4, 2008
A realistic series of examples of behavior which embody and portray many of the men that cross our path. Knowledgeable with classifying the different types of man.
June 24, 2012
...so far. God I'm over this topic.
Currently reading
June 29, 2013Very helpful-I wish the trafficked victims could have read this book first.
Read
September 19, 2014Very informative book. Her chapter on building emotional resilience for recovery is fantastic, with good advice for avoiding poor relationships in the future.
September 3, 2015
Easy to read
I like the tests it made things very clear
There are helpful suggestions on how to recover and change your life
I like the tests it made things very clear
There are helpful suggestions on how to recover and change your life
January 6, 2016
Eye-opening!
January 25, 2016
Holy moly, so far this book is a smoker. Excellent. More when I finish reading.
June 30, 2016
All women in their 20's should read this book. I wish I had!
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews