The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions

by Karyn Hall, Melissa Cook, Shari Y. Manning (Foreword)

Validation—recognizing and accepting your child’s thoughts and feelings, regardless of whether or not you feel that your child should be experiencing them—helps children develop a lifelong sense of self-worth. Children who are validated feel reassured that they will be accepted and loved regardless of their feelings, while children who are not validated are more vulnerable to peer pressure, bullying, and emotional and behavioral problems.

The Power of Validation is an essential resource for parents seeking practical skills for validating their child’s feelings without condoning tantrums, selfishness, or out-of-control behavior. You’ll practice communicating with your child in ways that instantly impact his or her mood and help your child develop the essential self-validating skills that set the groundwork for confidence and self-esteem in adolescence and beyond (Amazon).


One of the authors (Melissa H. Cook) is a parent and a psychotherapist who came up with the idea for this very book by her research in the field as a counselor and by her own experiences as a mother to her own three children.

The Lollipop Story, which is a story in the beginning of the book, is a a true interaction between Melissa and her oldest son.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Self Help

168 pages, Paperback

First published December 2, 2010

Reviews

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The Power of Validation" is a rather engaging and excellent expansion on the ways that a parent can help validate the experiences their child goes through in order to foster a better sense of self-worth, value, and esteem in the face of many challenging aspects of life. I myself am not a parent (yet), but I have worked with children in certain capacities, and I've worked with people who've had emotional blocks and barriers to the goals they've wished to achieve in the spectrum of fitness/wellness. I went into this book with not only an eye to hearing about the different situations of validation, but also the different reasons why and where experiences are invalidated in general. It made me think about encounters in my own childhood, in extended circles and observations of others' experiences, among other things to see where validation was and wasn't used. Hall and Cook expound upon these topics very well, with due sensitivity, emotional intelligence, and an insight that's key to bringing the matter to full circle and reaffirming certain ideals about validation, but also allows for the reader to reflect, review, and examine situations where it is needed and why. I really appreciated and gained much from this respective read, and no doubt would recommend it, especially for parents or those that work with children in any capacity. I would also recommend this for adults who want an insight to their own experiences and histories with validation/invalidation, because it may provide an insight to your own viewpoints and values regarding self-worth, and how to best foster validation in your own life, relationships, and beyond that.

Overall score: 4/5

Note: I received this book as an ARC from NetGalley, from the publisher New Harbinger Publications.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yes! Finally a book focusing on validation. Validation is such an important communication skill that sadly many people lack. Some studies even show that mental disorders partly can be stemmed from in validation during childhood. Anything that we can do to help children grow up strong, confident, and feel worthy should be a priority.
I love how this book and not only talks about what validation is, but it talks about how to do it as well. I really enjoyed some of the examples and case conceptualization that the authors provided.

[Jackie Voeller · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for parents. Don’t put it too high in the shelf because it should be read and reread again. ❤️

[Roxann · Rating 5 out of 5]

In many ways the advice in this book is common sense, but still a lot of parents (and people in general) do not respond to their children (or other people) in this way. My problem as a mom is always wanting to fix things. This book helps me remember to just listen without finding solutions. I still work on solutions with her, but not in a "I can fix it" way. It is repetitive to an extent, but it is really good advice as to how to not only interact with your children, but everyone you know. Great idea to validate the people you care about.

[Gabrielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

All-time favorite parenting book. It's not a speed read, but the topic is soooo important. How do we help our kids survive bullying, peer pressure, drugs, stress of school, and mental health problems? I don't have all the answers, but the power of validation is a step in the right direction to help our kids grow up resilient to the throes of life. A must-have for all parents.

[Marcy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book opened my eyes to how I speak to my kids and how we speak to each other. It suggests a way of reacting to peoples' expressions of emotions that is very different than how we all usually react. Now I notice invalidating responses from lots of parents to their children and from lots of adults to other adults. I think it has something to do with the rampant pressure to be positive and to ignore or try to tame negative feelings and expressions thereof. Invalidation seems to be an ingrained response in our culture, and I hope that starts to change.

I first learned about validation in Dialectical Behavior Therapy and realized how I react to validation as opposed to how I react to responses that are inherently invalidating. It's a world of difference. And I now see that difference when I am able to react to my kids with a validating response. It does not come naturally or easily because my kids experiences very strong, intense, and sometimes seemingly irrational (from my perspective) emotions, and I have to work hard to remember to validate, even if it sounds sort of crazy coming out of my mouth. But I see that a validating response usually throws water on the fire rather than gasoline.

I'm also working to be more validating with friends and other family members, although it is difficult at times to remember to do. I will probably read this book again and again as a reminder to myself.

[Marcella · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I'd read this years ago, when my oldest was young. I've known how important validation is, in parenting but also in friendships and marriage, but I realized I didn't quite understand how and when to do it (besides saying "you seem angry/sad".). This books concisely explains why and how to validate positive and negative thoughts and feelings,and also has convinced me to do a lot more of it in all my relationships. A great resource!

[Kim L. B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most powerful parenting books I’ve read recently. In fact, what I’ve learned from it doesn’t only apply to kids — it’s useful with adults as well! Everyone needs to feel validated. And this book explains how to do it.

[Shanna · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lots and lots and lots of words without really saying much

I could only get through 50% of this book. Lots of use of the word validation and even examples, but for some reason I couldn't glean much practical application from what I was reading.

[Jeran Nycum · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative. One must have quite the desire to be a good parent to read through it though 😂 Not horrible, just a bit dry with cliches in their examples. But from a psychological aspect it is right on and is fairly new in its theories on validation in parenting.

[Grace · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting and important topic to integrate into daily life. However, for some reason, it took me 3 years to finish this book. It seemed a bit repetitive and I lost interest at times. Overall I still recommend it.

[Naiomi · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you want to understand the pros & pitfalls of validating your children and how to observe what you as the parent are doing and how to practice and be patient with yourself as you practice.

[Erin Cupp · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good overall approach, but authors sometimes suggest validating mistruths about the human person.

[B.C. Dittemore · Rating 3 out of 5]

Tons of great info but it’s obvious that the authors are not writers; it could have been about half as long without losing any necessary content. Still, I’m glad I worked my way through it.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lots of good parenting takeaways from this book!

[Candace Haskell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderful parenting book to learn the specific skill of validating your child without encouraging selfishness or entitlement. One learns to validate the child's inner experience - not necessarily the behavior - so kids feel self-worth about who they are as people. All feelings are valid - and one needs to learn to express them appropriately, not to be ashamed of simply having them. This book has helped me understand how to let go of shaming as an old parenting tool and embrace tools that work better - and feel better to everyone. Written in a straight forward, parent-to-parent style, it is a pleasure to read.

[Bob Sanchez · Rating 5 out of 5]

How can parents raise a child who has the confidence to avoid peer pressure, deal with bullies, avoid self-harm, and get a proper grip on emotions? That is the goal of The Power of Validation, a practical, commonsense book on child-rearing that many readers may wish their own parents had known about.

What is validation? It's "the recognition and acceptance that your child has feelings and thoughts that are true and real to him regardless of logic or whether it makes sense to anyone else," the authors write. No, it doesn't mean giving in to their demands or necessarily agreeing with their feelings. It might well mean "Yes, I understand that this is what you want to do, but we're doing something else right now."

This book shows that validation promotes a healthy, well-deserved self esteem that is based on children fulfilling their potential. Parents learn how to deal not only with children's worry, anger, fear, and jealousy, but with happiness, joy, and having fun. "The idea is to allow independence, interests, and imperfection while recognizing and accepting your child's weaknesses and strengths," the authors write.

The book has occasional exercises that help readers try out the principles themselves, and they are all easy to understand.

If only I could, I would travel back in time with two copies of The Power of Validation. One would go to my parents when they had their first child, and the other would be for when I became a parent.

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this book because there was a lot of practical advice and most of it was put into simple terms. I appreciate simple because I'm not the quickest learner when it comes to parenting. "Hi, Poison Control. Yeah, it's Caitlin again. I realize I just called 2 days ago, but my son ate stainless steel polish again, and I can't remember if you said it was poisonous or not." So hopefully I read this book in time to undo any soul crushing damage I've inflicted on my child and to salvage and shore up any bits of self esteem that have survived. If you have ever said "You can play soccer just as good as those Beckham kids, you just have to practice harder." Or "Are you seriously crying over a Nemo balloon after I spent the whole day robbing my retirement fund so you could go to Disneyland? I never got to do that when I was a kid. You are so spoiled!" Or "Buck up! There are worse things in life than not making the cheer squad. Think of all the people who wear "Toms" shoes (the free ones, not the $60 pair). Besides, the other girls seem lame." Of course I've never said those things exactly, but for anyone who has, this is a great book.

[Janice · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good resource for understanding the importance of validation. Written specifically for the validation of a child or children, the validation theory can also be used with adults and the elderly. The book offers good information on why validation is empowering and why invalidation can inhibit a child's self worth, yet I feel it would have been even more helpful to provide more examples of what to say in order to validate in specific situations.

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

I work with kids 5-18 yrs and often have problem children in my programs. I have always been a big fan of positive reinforcement as a tool. This book should not be any thing new for anyone who works with kids.

The book is simple and the sections were interesting. I can see myself using some of the techniques with the kids I work with. Nothing groundbreaking but some helpful information.

*ARC courtesy of the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review*

[GONZA · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a child psychologist I was already aware of the power of validation, anyway this book offered me some other good suggestion to help me struggling with my idiot self that thinks she already knows everything; probably my son would be happy that I read this book too, or at last I hope ;)

THANKS TO NETGALLEY AND NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS FOR THE PREVIEW

[Tzippy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have a few issues with this book, but overall, I'm glad I read it and I'm able to incorporate some of its advice into my day-to-day parenting, so I rounded up the 3.5 to 4. Anyway, full review to come.

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Strongly agree with this concept that we can validate our children's (or anyone's) internal experience without necessarily agreeing with it. We all need to feel heard and understood. Lots of good stuff in this book. I need a copy to keep as reference!

[Keri Kilpatrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book might be appropriate for those who are completely new to the topic. Otherwise, it's a lot of repetition.

[Trina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great reminders in this book about slowing down, allowing your child to be who they want to be while maintaining discipline and boundaries.

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Without a doubt the best parenting book I've ever read. I pray for a predominantly validated society!

[cisos · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nice theoretical background but without practical examples.

[Ffiona · Rating 4 out of 5]

Children need validation in order to develop a proper sense of self.They need their parents to help them get a sense of who they are.Parental validation is key with regard to them establishing a healthy self worth.A child who is not validated enough by caregivers is likely to find everyday life stressful because they will not feel confident in social situations or any situation where they have to be their own supporter.

An example of validation:If a baby needs to eat the parent would show he/she understands (validate the baby) by giving them a drink. If the baby cries because it needs to be changed, the parent changes the nappy.The needs get met = needs get validated . As a child gets older it continues in more of a recognizable way. For example, a child will be praised for his/her abilities around tasks. "You did such a good job crawling over to me." As he/she gets older same thing, "You did such a good job writing your name." It is important for a child's actions and feelings to be validated by the parents because the parent's validations get internalized into a core identity, so as the child gets older he or she can provide their own validation, his own sense of self appreciation and self soothing.

Basically, the concept is ... if a child is validated enough he or she will have the confidence to get through life and feel good about themselves.Children who do not get sufficient validation are considered by psychologists to be at risk of developing a damaged personality in adulthood. A parent who fails to provide enough validation leaves their child with an underdeveloped shaky sense of self.Children who do not develop a proper sense of self tend to find it very difficult to get through life situations successfully because they lack the necessary inner confidence and self belief. If a child is constantly invalidated it changes how they think, feel, and process information,it causes developmental trauma. A person who lacked sufficient validation in their formative years tends to develop a shame based identity where they feel alienated from their real self.This means they will always look to others to define them and approve of them. When there is no one around to fulfill that role they tend to feel very helpless & agitated - this is the feeling responsible for obsessive attachments.

The authors of this book are both Dialectical therapists. DBT is a therapy offered to adults who have personality disorders.People with personality disorder often experienced childhoods that emphasized invalidation. DBT is a method for teaching skills-all those skills are contained in this book.