The Need to be Liked

by Roger Covin

Almost everyone has a fundamental need to be liked by other people. It is a healthy and normal part of life. However, the need to be liked can also be associated with emotional, behavioural and even personality problems. The Need to be Liked is a book that explores the dark side of this human need. The author (Dr. Roger Covin) is a clinical psychologist who weaves together psychological research with his own clinical experiences in order to present a unique and original way of thinking about the need to be liked. Drawing on research and theory from various fields of psychology, Dr. Covin explains how people’s experience with painful rejection shapes their way of thinking about themselves and others. Readers will learn how problems with the need to be liked can lead to depression, anxiety and other mental health concerns. Dr. Covin describes how the need to be liked expresses itself in numerous ways, ranging from subtle behaviours to aspects of one’s overall personality. For example, the need to be liked can affect... ...being overly career-driven ...alcohol and drug use ...promiscuity ...one’s excessive focus on appearance ...the decision to remain in an abusive relationship ...rumination about past relationships ...being overly self-critical or perfectionistic ...continually entering into relationships where you find the wrong partner ...sabotaging relationships Finally, Dr. Covin provides useful strategies and suggestions for how to manage problems with needing to be liked and dealing with rejection. The Need to be Liked is a fascinating and timely examination of a topic that affects the vast majority of people. Grounded in current research and theory, and articulated through Dr. Covin’s experiences as a therapist, this book is a must read for those who have ever wondered – why do I need to be liked?

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction

146 pages, Paperback

First published April 11, 2011

Reviews

[Sammy · Rating 5 out of 5]

The gist of this book is that social inclusion is a basic human security need, like food, water or shelter. When we experience rejection, studies show the same receptors are activated as in physical pain. Rejection literally hurts. As humans, our natural response to pain is to identify what caused it, and avoid the same thing in future. In the case of rejection, this can be done in a healthy way - rationalising what went wrong and taking useful learnings from it - or, as is the case for many, in a dysfunctional way. We can become excessively fearful of rejection and develop unhealthy coping strategies such as avoidance, clinginess, or overcompensation. We can retain core beliefs about our unlikeability that served us well in high school but are now damaging us in the very different adult world.

The book seeks to answer a very specific question - why do I need to be liked? And answers it very well by taking us to the root of our brain’s core protection systems and how humans are wired for survival.

Everything is explained very clearly, and it’s a short read: it doesn’t have the tendency of other self-help books to go on filling space to justify its existence long after you’ve reached the key points.

I felt it left me with loads to think about, and a couple of epiphany moments, though I’ve highlighted a lot to come back, as revisiting it will probably be helpful.

[Margena Adams Holmes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Informative, though it will probably take another read-through to understand everything in it and to learn how to use what I've read. He has several examples and then goes on to explain what to do.

[David Olmsted · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book to get more insight into the psychological rejections response, the significance of which is often overlooked in sociological and historical events. Ben Franklin and George Washington only became committed to American independence after being rejected by their British peers. This book provides a clear, concise overview of the phenomena and the variations in the response. It also shows how past life experiences in regards to relationships can affect our perception in future ones, often to our determent. So not only is this book good from a purely academic standpoint it also makes a good self-help book.

The main organizational principle is showing the parallel between an individual's social protection system and the physical protection system (flight or fight) as they share common brain regions. The only flaw in the author's analysis is the identification of the "passive acceptance" of the social defense mechanism with the "freezing" response of the physical defense mechanism when in fact the two mechanisms are actually joined at this level. Rats when warned that shock is coming and put into a situation in which they are helpless to avoid it will soon enter a depressed state similar to what happens socially in humans. The freeze response is the default behavior for indecision for most animals and is an active avoidance strategy for some (like rabbits).

[Sam Motes · Rating 4 out of 5]

Discusses the need by everyone to be liked and why that is a normal feeling that we all deal with. It then discusses conditions when this need is imbalanced due to out of balance self-perspectives of how others perceive you. The book also discussed beyond the normal fight or flight reactions discussed often to a third option of freeze like the deer in the headlights. Interesting book helping in self-realization while also great in helping to understand why others act the way they do

[Luis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Es un libro muy interesante el cual nos introduce de una manera muy básica a una necesidad la cual en nuestros tiempos sea convertido en un pequeño dilema psicosocial. Creo que es una muy buena lectura para toda persona.

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very informative and helpful.