Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living

by Allan Lokos

A beautifully written guide to developing one thing many of us could use a great deal more of.

To survive the roller coaster ride of life-the seemingly endless shifts from pleasure to pain, gain to loss, and praise to blame- requires a substantial depth of patience. And yet patience is one thing many feel they have precious little of. In this life-changing book, Allan Lokos sheds new light on this much sought-after state of being and provides a road map for cultivating more patience in one's life.

According to Lokos, anger and patience are two sides of the same coin and, therefore, if we hope to develop our ability to be patient we must first learn to recognize and tame anger's many manifestations-from annoyance, rage, and bitterness, to ill will, hostility, and indignation. In this revelatory book, Lokos draws on years of Buddhist practice, as well as interviews with a wide range of people who have had their patience tested-and often sorely so-in order to discover where the heart of patience lies.

A step-by-step guide to weathering life's storms from an inspiring spiritual teacher, Patience will help readers discover greater peace and contentment in their lives.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Spirituality, Philosophy, Psychology, Personal Development

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 5, 2012

About the author

Allan Lokos is the founder and guiding teacher of the Community Meditation Center.

He began his study and practice of meditation with Thich Nhat Hanh in the nineties and his teachers have included Joseph Goldstein, Larry Rosenberg, Andrew Olendzki, Stephen Batchelor, Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, and Tsoknyi Rinpoche, among others. He has attended retreats at Insight Meditation Society in Barre, MA and classes and workshops at the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies.

Allan has also attended a number of weeklong teachings with His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. Since 2002 Allan has enjoyed a treasured relationship with Sharon Salzberg, studying the dhamma and deepening his meditation practice.

He is the author of Pocket Peace: Effective Practices for Enlightened Living (Tarcher/Penguin), and Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living (Tarcher/Penguin, 12/2011.) His writing has appeared in Tricycle Magazine (for whom he also led a month long online retreat), Back Stage newspaper, and the anthology, Audacious Creativity.

Among the many places he has taught are New York Insight Meditation Center, The New York Open Center, Insight Meditation Community of Washington, Columbia University Teacher's College, Columbia University Buddhist Association, The Rubin Museum, and Marymount College.

Earlier in this life Allan was a professional singer appearing in the original Broadway productions of Oliver! and Pickwick, as well as the Stratford Festival/Broadway production of The Pirates of Penzance.

Allan was selected as one of "50 Inspiring Religous Leaders You Should follow on Twitter."

Reviews

[Peter Clothier · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have just finished reading Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living, by Allan Lokos, the founder and guiding teacher of the Community Meditation Center in New York City. It’s a timely read for a season in which the stresses seem to multiply in direct proportion to the peace and joy we’re supposed to be feeling—and too often don’t!

In many ways, the book is a very readable course in Buddhism 101, a primer in Buddhist thought and practice for those who will value the introduction; it is also an important refresher course for those of us who have been practicing for a while—and who recognize that it’s still, and always, about “beginner’s mind.” Patience is at the very heart of Buddhist practice: without it the noble Eightfold Path would be impracticable for even the most ardent of its followers. A wise and, yes, patient guide, Lokos leads his readers through the benefits of patience with, first, ourselves and then with others in our personal and professional relationships. He offers the inspiration of notable exemplars, and includes not only the words of wisdom of great teachers in the Buddhist tradition, but also simple, do-able exercises and practices to help us along the way.

Patience is not an easy virtue, particularly in today’s world where we rush about our daily lives and readily succumb to the siren call of multi-tasking—at the cost of our peace of mind and happiness. I observe the suffering I create for myself when the traffic backs up on the freeway, when my computer fails to perform in conformance to my expectations or needs, when those around me make demands on my time and energies that I am reluctant to share. I watch the feelings of anger and frustration that arise when I don’t get what I want exactly when I want it. (Lokos includes appendices with useful lists of keywords to identify those fleeting feelings and other sources of stress; being mindful of them is helpful way to avoid the reactive patterns that contribute to our suffering without our knowing it.) When spoken in impatience, my words not only cause others to suffer, they do nothing to alleviate my own. Impatience takes a heavy toll, on my body, too, manifesting in the form of headaches or belly aches, fatigue, and general physical discomfort.

“Patience” is a thoughtful and always interesting book, and one that engages our attention. It challenges many of the assumptions and misconceptions we have about ourselves and the world we live in, reminding us that there is always another side to every view. It invites us to do the hard work of continuous mindfulness, and offers us the means to find release from self-inflicted (and other-inflicted) pain. As its subtitle and its final chapter suggest, “peaceful living” is indeed an “art” that can be learned through mindful practice—a valuable lesson to all who seek surcease from the stress we bring, often unconsciously, upon ourselves. As the Beatles sang, memorably, many years ago, “we all want to change the world.” “Patience” would be a terrific place to start--not to mention an excellent New Year's resolution!

[Jackie Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. I've been struggling to stop yelling, to be more peaceful and compassionate... and now I realize what I've been missing is patience. This book wonderfully pulls in Buddhists thoughts and theories, and as you begin to get a glimmer of how it might feel to have more patience the author provides you with some concrete exercises and ideas to start making it a reality in your life.

There is just so much in this book, I wondered if it would be yet another book I read and then promptly forgot everything I thought amazing about it and life continued on. This morning proves it is not. As I needed them, ideas and concepts from the book appeared as though by magic in my head, and I was able to remain patient in the face of things that would have normally left me yelling followed by crying and guilt. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is looking for a more peaceful, compassionate life.

For the full story of this morning, and more of my thoughts on the book click here.

[Marta · Rating 3 out of 5]

For anyone wanting to develop more patience as well as anyone interested in understanding some Buddhist practices. The book's tone is kind, wise and hopeful. The organization is a bit confusing, and there are so many teachings that some might lose interest or, on the other hand, want to own a copy for reference.

[Steve · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book to be a mixed bag. I liked the start and personal stories about himself and others. I liked the brief section on his divorce. I wasn't into his chapter on Santideva. And it took me a long time to read the book because of the dead spots.

[Andy Bigley · Rating 5 out of 5]

My first dedicated read on patience and I feel rewarded to have selected it. I wasn’t sure what I would find, but very quickly I came to realize patience allows me to provide room for others and not to make a knee jerk reaction towards a difficult interaction or exchange of thought—no matter how distracting or unlikeable the other party may be. Many other topics are advertised as essential tools (communication, empathy, understanding) but I think it’s patience that enables all of the above (and many others I didn’t list).

The book is well-written and not a burden to read. If you’ve read other books on, or have a familiarity with, mindfulness practices, you will quickly settle into the story. If not, you will easily fall into step along the way.

Last but not least, I was able to pick up a lot of practical advice from the book and began using it as soon as I’d read the material. Towards the end of the read, a total stranger told me I looked very calm (despite experiencing several challenging situations at the time in my personal life) and I can’t help but attribute some of that to what I gleaned from the book. This one will stay on a shelf where I can easily open it up from time-to-time.

[Patricia]

I chose to re-read this book because Patience is the quality I'm working on this year. Actually, I realized when I picked the book up again, that I hadn't quite finished it. There was a bookmark indicating I had stopped reading with about 75 pages to go. Two things struck me as I read. First, it was interesting to note what I had underlined during the previous read and how I wanted to mark different parts this time, which I did in a different color. Secondly, in the last chapter, there was a technique described for developing patience that is just what I need in this moment and time. I wonder if it would have been notable to me several years ago when I first read the book? No matter! It's perfect for now. Throughout the book Lokus reminds me that building one's meditation practice increases mindfulness which is an essential skill for developing patience. Couple that with the technique he describes in the last chapter, and the ability to increase patience will thrive.

[Bill T. · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was rather disappointed by this book. While I can see how its suggestions can help one to develop patience, I was disgruntled by the fact that it's a book about "Buddhism Light". If I wanted to learn more about Buddhism and Buddhist practice, I'll get a book on Buddhism. I didn't really appreciate having to pick up the terminology of Buddism to learn about being more patient (dhukka? dharma? mara??).

So, yes, I was too impatient with the book to finish it. That said, it was reasonably well-written and I may have learned a thing or two despite giving up on the book, so I'm not completely panning it.

[Maria Baronov · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think a second read (at least) is necessary to grasp all the treasures a gems hidden through the book , as well as understand and become forever aware of that peacefully, yes, sometimes painful and uncomfortable dance with the parts of us we need to hold and teach to breath before they turn and misstep into turbulent waters. A book to keel. Not lone for the “declutter pile.”

[Gracia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting read. Contemplations within the book are helpful for practicality with 50% of the novel covering Buddhist history/terminology/ religion.

“Patience is born when we create a pause between our experience of a feeling and our response to that feeling. Without a pause, we are likely to find ourselves reacting in our conditioned manner.”

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Well written, thought provoking, inspiring, practical. A book I'll read again.

[William · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book about patience. A little bit repetitive and a little bloated, but the core lessons are valuable.

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone would benefit from reading this book

[Tom · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this, his second book, Lokos revisits patience, one of the ten paramis he wrote about in his first book Pocket Peace, and here he turns his full attention to this one compelling virtue. Once again, in his warm and friendly authorial style, he skillfully interweaves instruction and personal anecdote. On the second page of his introduction, he tells us that the idea for this book arose from a casual remark made by his wife, to the effect that she believed every mistake she had ever made or unkind word she had ever spoken was due in some way to a lack of patience. Hence the book's subtitle, "The Art of Peaceful Living" - a way of living characterized by fewer mistakes and fewer unkind utterances.

In a carefully structured sequence of chapters, Lokos guides us through the cultivation of patience first with ourselves, then in our personal and professional relationships, and finally as an ongoing way of "peaceful living". Each section concludes with a "profile in patience" - a brief biographical sketch of a person who exemplifies the particular aspect of patience we have just read about. And every chapter closes with several inspirational quotes and a variety of suggested practices to help us cultivate more patience in our own life.

As was the case with Pocket Peace, Patience is a book not only to savor from beginning to end, but also to dip back into a chapter at a time for future reference - and never more so than at those moments when we feel impatience arising within.

[Susannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a bit of a disappointment. I did not really gain much insight, although a few of the passages reminded me of things I already knew, so that was somewhat helpful. While the author's Buddhist belief is touched on in some reviews, in actual fact the author relies almost exclusively on Buddhist practice and teachings, and while these can be interesting, I have simply never been able to lean in too heavily on Buddhism. It doesn't seem complete to me.
Two and a half stars rounded to three because others may find this more helpful than did I.

[Nhu Luong · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recommend this book to anyone that has problem with their impatience. With the guiding of one of the experienced meditation practitioner, you will find the solution to your troubling deepest thoughts. I was really impatient and unsatisfied before reading this book. This book doesn't only give you plentiful advice to move on with life, it also mentions the origin of meditation and such rules for peaceful mind. Most of the quotes were from Buddhism, a religion that values peaceful and mindful person. After each chapter, the author has a page for contemplation for those who would likes to practice this helpful meditation and releasing all the anxiety from their deepest soul. With his guided and accommodating writing style, the readers gained handful of experiences relating to encountering many difficult obstacles in life. One of the word the book mentions continuously throughout the whole section is impermanence. Because of the surrounding's impermanence, one should be willing to accept what is offered and lost through out time. Everything cannot goes the way we wanted. Besides that, nearly the end of the book, the author brings up a Buddhist practitioner that quit the chance of being a prince,relinquishing everything behind, to have a peaceful and lively life as an adult. He wrote out some rules to achieve the most fulfilled life one can try to do concerning to family, friends, schools, relationship, etc. After this book, I learned to forgive my friends and had a happier life ever since.

[Diana Bogan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is another book I came across "accidently on purpose," meaning I stumbled across it at the library when I wasn't really looking for anything. As usual. it turned out to be the right book at Just the right time.

I'd recommend the book to anyone really. For me it resonated well because I've been more devoted to my yoga practice, learning meditation and guiding my family more mindfully. Therefore much of what the author wrote about in the book dovetailed with another current frame of reference. I personally found his discussion on "not-self" and tempering anger interesting.

I didn't find the suggested activities particularly helpful, but maybe because they seemed very basic to me. They were things I'd already put to practice or done as I first began shifting to a more mindful lifestyle.

I liked the author's writing style. It made it a quick read and it was easy to understand. It doesn't go hugely in depth into concepts, but it does cover enough for one to truly put patience to practice. I know reading the book brought me greater awareness about aspects of my own approach to my life and ways in which a shift in thinking could benefit me.

I can't speak to whether the book would be as valuable a read for you. I suppose it depends on what your goals are. I'm am seeking a path of mindfulness so maybe that influences my appreciation of it, however, I do believe it's a good book for the general population.

[Jessica Fraser · Rating 5 out of 5]

"If everything is changing in every moment then we need not feel locked into habitua reactive thinking or unskillful, conditioned behavior patterns. We may lose patience and act in a way that is not in accord with the person we want to be, not that is all that happened--we acted unskillfully. A moment later, in a similar situation, we might behave quite differently. The point is, we are malleable. We are also extremely complex beings. No one is simply an inpatient person. We might lose our patience more often than we would like, but there are also many instances when we have remained patient when others "lost it." If you frequently act in an impatient or angry manner you will undoubtedly have regrets as you cause yourself and others considerable suffering. it is natural that you would want to change and there is no question that you can."
--page 139

Generosity, for instance, is viewed as having a direct correlation to patience because it is seen as an antidote to greed and clinging, which cause so much of our suffering.
--pages 199-200

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Found this helpful and good for the hustle and bustle that can happen around the holidays. Mainly from the Buddhist school of thought and writings. A few passages I enjoyed; Page 63 -"sustainable happiness was possible and could come about through our own efforts." ... and some good reminders that craving things does not bring happiness but disappointment. Page 155 - "What we are is a result of our thoughts. What we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." Being aware of our feelings etc. and striving for inner peace. Some discussion on meditation as a tool also.

[Rorie · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book has so much wisdom. it is not a quick fix but I feel that it is making some connections that will help me sustain my growing "in patience." i especially appreciated the links to Buddhist teaching and wisdom. although I am not a Buddhist, I have become increasingly interested in meditation and mindfulness and am adapting these practices to my current life needs. this will be one to read over and over again.

[Janet · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ended up liking this more than I thought I would once I got past its dragging middle. Thoughtful look at the practice of patience as a way of becoming familiar with emotional and mental states as they arise rather than after we have reacted to them.
"Overcome the angry by gentleness;
overcome the meanspirited by kindness;
overcome the greedy by generosity;
overcome the deceiver by truth."
~Buddha

[Gloria · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wasn't feeling particularly patient when reading this, which almost had me laughing. This book takes the reader through various parts of our lives, e.g., work, family, etc. and presents a mindful, Buddhist approach for cultivating patience in ordinary situations. Thoughtful reminder about staying in the present and using stressful situations to learn more about ourselves and others. Easy to read in short bits.

[Mona · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was accidental that I discovered the author in an article about his recovery from a 2012 plane accident in Burma. As I read it felt like he was speaking directly to me and I got the message. How can I be this old and just understanding the relationship between anger and impatience and how waiting before responding can transform my life? Of course it's not that simple, but the book is a starting point. Happy that it's an ebook on all of my devices.

[Jeanne Haselkorn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to make you think about patience. Tips and thoughts along the way to use in everyday life (not even counting the meditation which probably would work really well but which isn't going to happen for me). Definitely a worthwhile read.

[E. Hope · Rating 5 out of 5]

This one should be read and re-read, periodically, to remind us that living with deliberate patience will promote the foundation of mindfulness that cultivates our awareness of connectivity that perpetuates a harmonious existence within the cosmic concert of creation.

[Leslie Zampetti · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to admit, I did not finish this book. Which just show how much I need it! Lokos has written a clear guide to initiating a practice for patience and meditation through the Buddhist philosophy.

[Amy J]

sensational

[Cathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can't say enough how much I love this book. I heard about it on NPR and I am so glad I read it.

[Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

didn't have the patience to get through this book
good wisdom but lacking..

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Allan Lokos writes with enthusiasm and practicality about the practices that will help one live a more patient and peaceful life. This is one I will reread in the future!

[Robin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Loved it!